I've never proactively gone in search of a relationship. I have no interest in dating or marrying for the sake of dating or marrying. There is no woman-shaped hole in my life that I look for someone to fill. (There is a dog-shaped hole, but that's not relevant to this discussion.) What happens, rather, is that once in a while I stumble on someone so fascinating that I want to spend a lot of time with her, and I try to spend a lot of time with her, and if I start to like her more than I hate dating, I ask her out and she makes an excuse and that's the end. I would rather stay home by myself writing or doing a puzzle or watching YouTube videos or almost anything else besides going on a bunch of dates just to "get to know people" or whatever. So, for example, when the local senior missionaries said that if things didn't work out with my most recent crush, "Ask out other girls. There's lots of cute girls in this stake", I was like
If I'm honest about it, my zero percent success rate with getting a relationship is probably for the best, because I wouldn't know what to do in one and the prospect of entering this uncharted territory, even if it means being loved back for once in my life, terrifies me. And besides, it seems a shame to spoil the perfect record of twenty-six years without one. And besides, if I did get into one I would be constantly aware that the odds of this first relationship leading to marriage were virtually nil, and that consequently the only plausible options would be for her to break up with me or, possibly even worse, me to break up with her. And I'm almost certain that losing love would hurt much, much more than just not being able to get it in the first place. So as hellish and godawful as my sporadic, halfhearted and abortive attempts at dating have been, when I think about them rationally I actually feel blessed in a sick kind of way.