Previous: My Literary Creations
Unsent Correspondence by C. Randall Nicholson
Thanks to email and Facebook, any future compilation of my letters will be sadly sparse, but here are a few that I wrote on paper or in Word documents and never sent, thank God. They provide a brief, sketchy glimpse into my evolution from precociously eccentric to disturbingly bizarre.
Third Grade Thank You Letters
I misspelled the fat man's name because I was confused by the copy of that Tim Allen movie we had lying around the house. But what's really funny is that it was on an old, obscure format you've probably never heard of, called VHS. And that silly squirrel, wherever he is, is almost certainly dead now, because they rarely live over six years in the wild. I miss him.
![January 2 2002 / Dear Santa Clause, Thank you for my fossil collection that I always wanted. I couldn't beleive [sic] that the fossils were real. I also liked the elastic bead man that wobbles around and the Cosmic Critters. Everything I got was totally great. Next year I want a Lego computer game. (We have a new chimney cover, so you might have to remove it before you go down the chimney.) Love, Christopher](/uploads/4/9/4/8/49486603/1561251.jpg?488)
![May 22, 2002 / Dear Mrs. Diggory, Thanks a lot for having us come to the Nature Center. The 3 Rs are quite good advice for first-class earthsavers, I must admit. And like you said, toilets do use lots of water. I hope the goverment [sic] will reduce the amount to at least 1 gallon. And I hope they make a law that everyone has to put bricks in their toilets! Those two things would really help waste less water. For Mr. and Mrs. Harvey, thanks for letting us hike the trails and walk on the bridge. That silly squirrel, wherever he is, sure eats really messy. I wish he would clean up his droppings. Anyway,](/uploads/4/9/4/8/49486603/3049657_orig.jpg)
To Uncle Roger
For a sixth grade(?) class assignment. I remember writing "Allabajawikiwoo" at the top, but I don't remember why.
![Allabajawikiwoo / Dear Uncle Roger, Last summer at your house I beat Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time after two years. I started at Ganon's castle. First I explored 6 puzzle rooms to dispel the barriers protecting Ganondorf. (I only needed Laurel and Michell's [sic] help with the lava and ice rooms.) Then I beat the Sub-Bosses guarding his lair by myself. No help! Then of course Michell [sic] killed Ganondorf for me (with a little advice) but when he came back as Ganon, I banished him myself. Then there was a spectacular celebration that actually felt real! But I still have secrets to unlock, places to explore, and [Gold Skulltula] tokens to get. So I guess I didn't finish it after all! Sincerely, Christopher](/uploads/4/9/4/8/49486603/428068.jpg?527)
To the Purple Stars
Yes, I used to threaten innocent girls. In sixth grade I was in a band called "The X-Rays" (briefly called the Chris-Rays) that never performed any concerts or even had any instruments, but had formed for the sole purpose of combating a rival band called the Purple Stars. I miss those days when anything was possible. My reference to them as "Philistines" was undoubtedly drawn from Susan Simmons' father in "My Teacher is an Alien". Early on I realized that the inclusion of the first person's name at the end was mean-spirited and uncalled for, and I erased it, but it was still legible so I blotted it out for publication anyway.
To Carrie, Whom I Mistreated
I could never actually give it to her, because she moved away as suddenly as she had moved in. But maybe someday she'll happen to see it here.
![Dear Carrie, I am very sorry that when we found out you weren't going to basketball practice with us in 3rd grade and [redacted] & [redacted] cheered](/uploads/4/9/4/8/49486603/9850815.jpg?496)
A Hispanohablantes Imaginarios
To the New Girl from Texas
For some reason, she took an instant (platonic) liking to me and we were becoming close friends when an unexpected schedule change completely derailed that.
To Another Girl from Study Hall
In ninth grade, I had a crush on this one senior girl in study hall and these other two senior girls, one of whom was her cousin, kept urging me to grow a spine and use their pickup lines on her. This was a letter to the not-cousin one.
The other side of the paper, which isn't worth my time to scan, says "fort zone on a daily basis. Now I am much happier"
To the Same Girl and Her Friend
Yep. I just didn't know when to quit. Even now, it kind of scares me to see how neurotic I was. Bonus points if you know where the phrase "whelk's chance in a supernova" comes from, and extra bonus points if you even know what a whelk is. The "obvious reason" I didn't play soccer was that our school only had a girls' team.
Same Thing, Take Two
I never even printed this one. I probably shouldn't have posted it either.
Friday February 1st, 2008
This is the second time I have attempted to write a letter to you guys. The first was a mishmash of nonsense and this one might be too. But since I don’t see you anymore I feel compelled to do it. I may end up writing mostly about myself because I don’t know too much about a myriad of other subjects. Lo siento.
First I will thank you for trying to help me out with Nikia. I don’t seriously think I ever stood a whelk’s chance in a supernova with her, but if you did than that means a great deal to me. I don’t know about pickup lines though. After all, I always thought they were more for entertainment purposes than actual picking up, unless of course one has looks like [insert name of really sexy guy here] or has a bod like [insert name of really muscular guy here]. After all:
Then again, she’s your [Lydia’s] cousin. Maybe you know something I don’t. To answer the obvious question no, I haven’t been stalking her, and believe me if I wanted to I would, because her house is within walking distance of mine. (I found that out by chance from another neighbor.) I have however briefly encountered who I presume to be her mother, father, and an extremely annoying dog named Frankie, during the course of walking Milo around the neighborhood.
Speaking of walking and dogs, there are a lot in our neighborhood. The first ones are extremely vicious, and they tug at their leashes, barking, spraying saliva, and desperately struggling to escape and kill us. Their barking sets off a chain reaction down the street and across the bridge, all the way to Frankie. In fact the reason I know his name is because people yell at him. Or her. I think Nikia’s mom called her a her. Anyhow, I run past that house amidst all the barking before the owner comes out and yells at them while banging a two by four against the porch. The first time I saw him pick it up I was terrified. I thought he was going to beat them with it.
There’s a bit of a safe haven walking past Liesl’s house and the Burnetts.’ They both have a dog and both are friends of Milo. Sometimes they’ll be outside and we can go say hello. Then there’s the Tabors,’ where there are three dogs who only bark if they happen to be outside. Then there’s a bridge, a sex offender’s house which has a dog who is probably being abused, Circle Road, and Frankie. Circle Road deserves its own paragraph.
I generally let Milo choose which way we go (so it’s not my fault he likes to visit Frankie) and one day he decided to go up Circle Road. All right. Well, near the end of it there was this one house, and two dogs were out without leashes. But there was a little kid watching them. They rushed over to us and I said hi. His sister came out. They sniffed at him and it looked like they were being friends. I found out they were both females. “Wow,” I thought, “I wonder if he’s scoring.”
Then the scariest thing happened. I don’t know if they were out of his league, or just didn’t like him, or he told them their mom wore a flea collar, or what. But all of a sudden they both leaped at him, jaws snapping, trying to tear him up. I froze. Part of my brain was saying Kick them, you idiot! The other part said, You can’t do that, you might hurt them. So I just stood there, turning in a circle to watch the fight and yelling “Uh, guys… guys!” The kid, rather leisurely it seemed, pulled them away. “It’s okay,” he said, “this has happened once before.” His mom poked her head out, saw Milo being massacred, and poked her head back in.
For what seemed like at least a half hour I walked up and down Circle Road, trying to lose the b****es that kept following us and occasionally leaped into another fight. I started using myself as a shield between them and Milo, which worked surprisingly well because they didn’t give a darn about me. I got sort of dizzy turning around to block them both, though. They kept going into other people’s yards and when Frankie started barking at us I thought he would get dragged in and someone would sue us. Eventually, we had the idea to go up to the kid’s house, so they would follow us and he and his sister could drag them inside. It took a while but it worked, and I, eager to get Milo home and check for bleeding, got out of there as fast as possible.
As we got off Circle Road a car followed us out and Hillary’s dad waved.
I was proud of Milo’s performance. He had snapped back in self-defense but never instigated anything, and I made sure to give him a big treat. I wanted to kick myself however, for being so spineless under pressure. I know you thought it was pitiful when I couldn’t get the nerve to hit on Nikia, but this was important. Milo’s life could have been at stake and I was worried about injuring his attackers. I vowed never again to let it happen. If those brutes come after him again, heaven help them.
So you were probably bored out of your skull until you read that and started laughing. It sounds ridiculous, I know. But I am going to revamp my whole shyness-level thing. I have been trying to break out of my proverbial shell. It helped when Mrs. Newtown remembered the pickup lines in math class and urged me to try one out on Danielle. You’ve probably heard about it by now. It actually happened last week I think but it got told to the right people and then it spread. I used this one:
Friday February 1st, 2008
This is the second time I have attempted to write a letter to you guys. The first was a mishmash of nonsense and this one might be too. But since I don’t see you anymore I feel compelled to do it. I may end up writing mostly about myself because I don’t know too much about a myriad of other subjects. Lo siento.
First I will thank you for trying to help me out with Nikia. I don’t seriously think I ever stood a whelk’s chance in a supernova with her, but if you did than that means a great deal to me. I don’t know about pickup lines though. After all, I always thought they were more for entertainment purposes than actual picking up, unless of course one has looks like [insert name of really sexy guy here] or has a bod like [insert name of really muscular guy here]. After all:
Then again, she’s your [Lydia’s] cousin. Maybe you know something I don’t. To answer the obvious question no, I haven’t been stalking her, and believe me if I wanted to I would, because her house is within walking distance of mine. (I found that out by chance from another neighbor.) I have however briefly encountered who I presume to be her mother, father, and an extremely annoying dog named Frankie, during the course of walking Milo around the neighborhood.
Speaking of walking and dogs, there are a lot in our neighborhood. The first ones are extremely vicious, and they tug at their leashes, barking, spraying saliva, and desperately struggling to escape and kill us. Their barking sets off a chain reaction down the street and across the bridge, all the way to Frankie. In fact the reason I know his name is because people yell at him. Or her. I think Nikia’s mom called her a her. Anyhow, I run past that house amidst all the barking before the owner comes out and yells at them while banging a two by four against the porch. The first time I saw him pick it up I was terrified. I thought he was going to beat them with it.
There’s a bit of a safe haven walking past Liesl’s house and the Burnetts.’ They both have a dog and both are friends of Milo. Sometimes they’ll be outside and we can go say hello. Then there’s the Tabors,’ where there are three dogs who only bark if they happen to be outside. Then there’s a bridge, a sex offender’s house which has a dog who is probably being abused, Circle Road, and Frankie. Circle Road deserves its own paragraph.
I generally let Milo choose which way we go (so it’s not my fault he likes to visit Frankie) and one day he decided to go up Circle Road. All right. Well, near the end of it there was this one house, and two dogs were out without leashes. But there was a little kid watching them. They rushed over to us and I said hi. His sister came out. They sniffed at him and it looked like they were being friends. I found out they were both females. “Wow,” I thought, “I wonder if he’s scoring.”
Then the scariest thing happened. I don’t know if they were out of his league, or just didn’t like him, or he told them their mom wore a flea collar, or what. But all of a sudden they both leaped at him, jaws snapping, trying to tear him up. I froze. Part of my brain was saying Kick them, you idiot! The other part said, You can’t do that, you might hurt them. So I just stood there, turning in a circle to watch the fight and yelling “Uh, guys… guys!” The kid, rather leisurely it seemed, pulled them away. “It’s okay,” he said, “this has happened once before.” His mom poked her head out, saw Milo being massacred, and poked her head back in.
For what seemed like at least a half hour I walked up and down Circle Road, trying to lose the b****es that kept following us and occasionally leaped into another fight. I started using myself as a shield between them and Milo, which worked surprisingly well because they didn’t give a darn about me. I got sort of dizzy turning around to block them both, though. They kept going into other people’s yards and when Frankie started barking at us I thought he would get dragged in and someone would sue us. Eventually, we had the idea to go up to the kid’s house, so they would follow us and he and his sister could drag them inside. It took a while but it worked, and I, eager to get Milo home and check for bleeding, got out of there as fast as possible.
As we got off Circle Road a car followed us out and Hillary’s dad waved.
I was proud of Milo’s performance. He had snapped back in self-defense but never instigated anything, and I made sure to give him a big treat. I wanted to kick myself however, for being so spineless under pressure. I know you thought it was pitiful when I couldn’t get the nerve to hit on Nikia, but this was important. Milo’s life could have been at stake and I was worried about injuring his attackers. I vowed never again to let it happen. If those brutes come after him again, heaven help them.
So you were probably bored out of your skull until you read that and started laughing. It sounds ridiculous, I know. But I am going to revamp my whole shyness-level thing. I have been trying to break out of my proverbial shell. It helped when Mrs. Newtown remembered the pickup lines in math class and urged me to try one out on Danielle. You’ve probably heard about it by now. It actually happened last week I think but it got told to the right people and then it spread. I used this one:
Fortunately however I did not share poor Johnny’s fate. (This sort of thing is actually quite typical for him, and this particular comic is the beginning of a storyline where Skip tries to teach him how to get women by treating them with respect.) Instead she rubbed her head and said, “Yeah, actually it did, I got a big bruise right here.” Well suddenly I had an overwhelming temptation to say something. The opportunity and the timing were perfect and I knew I wouldn’t get another chance. So I said, “Yeah, you messed up your face too.”
Okay, so that was mean, but everyone thought it was hilarious and Danielle knew I was just kidding. She has forgiven me, although she is on the hunt for a perfect comeback. Although she might be a little peeved at everyone finding out recently. Maybe I shouldn’t do things like that, but so far I’m having a hard time finding a regretful consequence.
Actually while I’m on the subject I’ll share another story. It was getting dark and I was in a friend’s front yard with him and another friend. We could see his neighbor standing across the street, and all of a sudden he coughed. I thought of something to say and tried to say it. I lost my nerve and my voice faltered. I have since realized that this was Nature’s way of saying, “For the love of Pete, don’t do it or you’re screwed.” Of course I didn’t listen. I gathered my strength and courage and yelled, “Smoke another one!”
The result was instant; my friends tried to stifle their laughter while the guy squinted into the darkness and tried to see us. He must have stared at our exact location for about five minutes and just as he was looking away, one of the others yelled, “Gaybob!” I thought we were going to die. I couldn’t believe how stupid it was. I mean, what I said was stupid, but for him to say that afterwards was downright braindead.
Anyway I don’t want to become a bully. I try to be nice to people too. The other day in Spanish club Chantal was next to me while we were making the food so I said hi. She turned and looked at me with such amusement that I began to feel absolutely terrified. I mean, she looked about ready to laugh out loud and I had no idea what it was all about. Finally she said something about me mixing corn starch and water with my left hand. I don’t suppose she could have said that sooner, and not made my heart stop for at least ten seconds.
I congratulated Lauren Brand on being Student of the Month. I’ve congratulated them before, but the weird thing about her is that hers was the image to come to mind when I heard the voice of Connie’s roommate on Adventures in Odyssey. You know how sometimes when you read about a character, or hear their voice, your mind associates it with someone from real life or a movie regardless of whether they fit the description? Or maybe that’s just me. I wasn’t even sure whether she was a figment of my imagination until I remembered, “Hey yeah, I think I’ve seen her at school.”
So I found out she was Student of the Month and had a name to attach to the face. I wasn’t going to track her down or anything, but at the end of the day when I saw her walking towards me I decided it would be a great idea. I asked first, just so we were both on the same proverbial page, and then just said “congratulations.” By about the third syllable I felt uncomfortable and vulnerable having spoken so much on one word and not being done. By the way neither of us stopped walking during this whole thing so by the time she said “Thank you” she was several feet behind me.
The real breakthrough came at the Valentine’s Dance. Mrs. Hull told us that since the ninth-graders were in charge, we could get some of the money for our senior trip by helping set up and clean up and running the concession table. Now I haven’t made any money from fundraisers yet because I don’t know where all the sex offenders live in Fort Jackson, so I decided to jump at this. Then I decided to go to the actual dance because it would be really dumb to be there and not.
So I got all ready and was driving there, and I was really nervous. Sometimes I get nervous in the middle of class for no reason, but this was about a hundred times worse. Now I don’t know how religious you guys are, but I believe that God is our Father and loves us and listens to our prayers. So there really wasn’t much I could do but pray and ask that I would be not nervous. I will freely admit here that I didn’t have much hope or faith that anything would change. I was resigned to my life and the prayer was simply a “good little Mormon” habit ingrained into me by everyone and their dog for years.
The hour and a half for decorations whizzed by. I was locked out and Quinn had to let me in. I put those Valentine heart pillows on the tables but we couldn’t because people are scumbags and they would have been stolen. I finally learned how to blow up a balloon so I blew one up as big as it would go, and then Cassie or Paige accidentally popped it. I just realized that from this description it sounds like I had a lousy time, but that’s technically not true. It was great. And I barely realized my nervousness was slipping away.
It was about time for people to start showing up so some people started dancing while the DJ tested his equipment. I kind of wandered around the gym with a spring in my step. Then they arrived, and for about three songs the gym was outskirted by little pockets of people. Then about four big kids were in the center and they urged everyone else to come join them, so I did. And then… well, I just kind of cut loose. I just made up my own moves and copied a few from other people. Not too long into this Martin pulled me aside and said, “You realize you’re making a complete idiot of yourself, right?” To which someone replied, “So what? He looks adorable doing it.” I decided to listen to her.
There was also couples dancing for some songs and I vowed to take part in this too. Casey had been the first girl I saw so I had made up my mind to ask her, but I ended up having to wait. I asked Annalyn first. But she wasn’t sure if I was asking her or Jenna, and I kind of shrugged because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. So they both danced with me and even called Kaila over to join us. After that I danced with a lot of girls and also by myself and just generally had a thoroughly enjoyable time. They might not have had an enjoyable time, and sometimes I copied the wrong moves and might have ended up looking kind of gay, but
I don’t know what was more confusing, that I had the courage to ask people to dance or that most of them said yes. Only one said no actually. She said she had to go home. To me that translated as “I would rather staple my eyelids to a brick and be dunked head first by my toes into a boiling vat of maple syrup and pepper spray, but I am too polite to tell you that so I will underestimate your intelligence and assume you won’t notice when I don’t actually leave.” Later she insisted she thought she had to leave, and then found out she didn’t really. I guess maybe she’s telling the truth and I shouldn’t judge her like that, but later she was dancing with her best [female] friend. Again, maybe I shouldn’t judge her and she actually chose that, but it would seem she’s pretty desperate.
As for why the others said yes I don’t know. Maybe I really am a cute kid. Maybe they’re not that shallow. Most likely I think they all have hearts of gold and a lot of sympathy for idiots. Christina was talking in keyboarding class about what a great school this is and how here everyone’s friends, while in Massena everyone’s a racist scumbag and they get into fights every day. I realize she’s right. This is a wonderful school. We’re all a big family. I almost cry tears of joy just thinking about it.
That and the way everyone treats me makes me feel very awkward. During my childhood I was apparently a very annoying little snotball and everyone treated me like dirt. So, just trying to survive another day and never developing any social skills, I became very quiet and withdrawn. It took several years for people to catch on to this and then, overnight, in fifth grade, they started being nice and have been since. Now everyone treats me like I’m the coolest thing ever. I like that, really I do, but it makes me feel on the spot, and like if I don’t do everything absolutely right I’ll lose everything. I don’t want to go back to the way things used to be.
So now I’m going to try to
Okay, so that was mean, but everyone thought it was hilarious and Danielle knew I was just kidding. She has forgiven me, although she is on the hunt for a perfect comeback. Although she might be a little peeved at everyone finding out recently. Maybe I shouldn’t do things like that, but so far I’m having a hard time finding a regretful consequence.
Actually while I’m on the subject I’ll share another story. It was getting dark and I was in a friend’s front yard with him and another friend. We could see his neighbor standing across the street, and all of a sudden he coughed. I thought of something to say and tried to say it. I lost my nerve and my voice faltered. I have since realized that this was Nature’s way of saying, “For the love of Pete, don’t do it or you’re screwed.” Of course I didn’t listen. I gathered my strength and courage and yelled, “Smoke another one!”
The result was instant; my friends tried to stifle their laughter while the guy squinted into the darkness and tried to see us. He must have stared at our exact location for about five minutes and just as he was looking away, one of the others yelled, “Gaybob!” I thought we were going to die. I couldn’t believe how stupid it was. I mean, what I said was stupid, but for him to say that afterwards was downright braindead.
Anyway I don’t want to become a bully. I try to be nice to people too. The other day in Spanish club Chantal was next to me while we were making the food so I said hi. She turned and looked at me with such amusement that I began to feel absolutely terrified. I mean, she looked about ready to laugh out loud and I had no idea what it was all about. Finally she said something about me mixing corn starch and water with my left hand. I don’t suppose she could have said that sooner, and not made my heart stop for at least ten seconds.
I congratulated Lauren Brand on being Student of the Month. I’ve congratulated them before, but the weird thing about her is that hers was the image to come to mind when I heard the voice of Connie’s roommate on Adventures in Odyssey. You know how sometimes when you read about a character, or hear their voice, your mind associates it with someone from real life or a movie regardless of whether they fit the description? Or maybe that’s just me. I wasn’t even sure whether she was a figment of my imagination until I remembered, “Hey yeah, I think I’ve seen her at school.”
So I found out she was Student of the Month and had a name to attach to the face. I wasn’t going to track her down or anything, but at the end of the day when I saw her walking towards me I decided it would be a great idea. I asked first, just so we were both on the same proverbial page, and then just said “congratulations.” By about the third syllable I felt uncomfortable and vulnerable having spoken so much on one word and not being done. By the way neither of us stopped walking during this whole thing so by the time she said “Thank you” she was several feet behind me.
The real breakthrough came at the Valentine’s Dance. Mrs. Hull told us that since the ninth-graders were in charge, we could get some of the money for our senior trip by helping set up and clean up and running the concession table. Now I haven’t made any money from fundraisers yet because I don’t know where all the sex offenders live in Fort Jackson, so I decided to jump at this. Then I decided to go to the actual dance because it would be really dumb to be there and not.
So I got all ready and was driving there, and I was really nervous. Sometimes I get nervous in the middle of class for no reason, but this was about a hundred times worse. Now I don’t know how religious you guys are, but I believe that God is our Father and loves us and listens to our prayers. So there really wasn’t much I could do but pray and ask that I would be not nervous. I will freely admit here that I didn’t have much hope or faith that anything would change. I was resigned to my life and the prayer was simply a “good little Mormon” habit ingrained into me by everyone and their dog for years.
The hour and a half for decorations whizzed by. I was locked out and Quinn had to let me in. I put those Valentine heart pillows on the tables but we couldn’t because people are scumbags and they would have been stolen. I finally learned how to blow up a balloon so I blew one up as big as it would go, and then Cassie or Paige accidentally popped it. I just realized that from this description it sounds like I had a lousy time, but that’s technically not true. It was great. And I barely realized my nervousness was slipping away.
It was about time for people to start showing up so some people started dancing while the DJ tested his equipment. I kind of wandered around the gym with a spring in my step. Then they arrived, and for about three songs the gym was outskirted by little pockets of people. Then about four big kids were in the center and they urged everyone else to come join them, so I did. And then… well, I just kind of cut loose. I just made up my own moves and copied a few from other people. Not too long into this Martin pulled me aside and said, “You realize you’re making a complete idiot of yourself, right?” To which someone replied, “So what? He looks adorable doing it.” I decided to listen to her.
There was also couples dancing for some songs and I vowed to take part in this too. Casey had been the first girl I saw so I had made up my mind to ask her, but I ended up having to wait. I asked Annalyn first. But she wasn’t sure if I was asking her or Jenna, and I kind of shrugged because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. So they both danced with me and even called Kaila over to join us. After that I danced with a lot of girls and also by myself and just generally had a thoroughly enjoyable time. They might not have had an enjoyable time, and sometimes I copied the wrong moves and might have ended up looking kind of gay, but
I don’t know what was more confusing, that I had the courage to ask people to dance or that most of them said yes. Only one said no actually. She said she had to go home. To me that translated as “I would rather staple my eyelids to a brick and be dunked head first by my toes into a boiling vat of maple syrup and pepper spray, but I am too polite to tell you that so I will underestimate your intelligence and assume you won’t notice when I don’t actually leave.” Later she insisted she thought she had to leave, and then found out she didn’t really. I guess maybe she’s telling the truth and I shouldn’t judge her like that, but later she was dancing with her best [female] friend. Again, maybe I shouldn’t judge her and she actually chose that, but it would seem she’s pretty desperate.
As for why the others said yes I don’t know. Maybe I really am a cute kid. Maybe they’re not that shallow. Most likely I think they all have hearts of gold and a lot of sympathy for idiots. Christina was talking in keyboarding class about what a great school this is and how here everyone’s friends, while in Massena everyone’s a racist scumbag and they get into fights every day. I realize she’s right. This is a wonderful school. We’re all a big family. I almost cry tears of joy just thinking about it.
That and the way everyone treats me makes me feel very awkward. During my childhood I was apparently a very annoying little snotball and everyone treated me like dirt. So, just trying to survive another day and never developing any social skills, I became very quiet and withdrawn. It took several years for people to catch on to this and then, overnight, in fifth grade, they started being nice and have been since. Now everyone treats me like I’m the coolest thing ever. I like that, really I do, but it makes me feel on the spot, and like if I don’t do everything absolutely right I’ll lose everything. I don’t want to go back to the way things used to be.
So now I’m going to try to
To the "Ludicrous Larry"
This one was meant to be emailed to the school newspaper but never was, which is just as well since it's very poorly written despite not being nearly as embarrassing as the previous one or the one before that.
I just finished reading all the back issues of the Ludicrous Larrie and they were really good. I’m not sure if this is school-sponsored or your own creation but it certainly takes something to write all that creative stuff. Anyway I saw the email address and decided to contact you so you know someone reads it and cares. I also had a few ideas, just concepts really, floating around. Now I’m feeling a little sheepish about sharing them but I guess I will anyway and sorry if they’re dumb. Please understand first off that I am not trying to tell you for one second what to do or what to write in your newspaper, and I will not be offended if you don’t even write back. Although if I am intruding where I am completely unwelcome please let me know so I can make sure in the future to bug off.
The first thing I thought of was that wonderful article about those annoying and environmentally destructive blue passes. I agree with every word of it and I was wondering about other school policies that are kind of ridiculous. Would you ever consider doing an article on Public Displays of Affection? One of my best friends has been reprimanded a couple times just for having his arm around his girlfriend. Now, I personally think if it is something little like that, or even so much as a friendly kiss, it does not “distract from the academic process” and there shouldn’t be a problem with it. Of course if they are eating each others’ faces off or sounding like a Slurpee machine plugged into an amplifier, or groping around in private places, a stop should be put to that. But nitpicking about every little thing seems like a completely unnecessary violation of personal freedom. In fact, maybe teachers should encourage that kind of thing when they see it, because it means students are being open and friendly and not throwing punches.
Then I thought about a bigger problem. It seems many high-scholars cannot grasp the concept that drinking alcohol in New York state under the age of twenty-one is illegal, as is driving under the influence, for good reasons. Today it may be a hangover and a busted fender, tomorrow it may be a bigger hangover and a dead pedestrian. I really hesitate to stick my nose here. I know I probably sound like a suck-up prude or something. I know SADD is working on this and it’s not your job. I know some of you might drink yourselves and be about ready to kill me. But these people are going to destroy their lives and probably some others’ in the process. I don’t think for an instant they know their limits and those of the law as well as they think they do. Besides, most of them are probably just doing it to be “cool.” There has to be a way to stop that. If you could have so much as just a little blurb drawing awareness to the issue that would be awesome.
Finally, whether you can work with this or not, I have to say this is a great school. A classmate was talking the other day and made me realize, everyone here is friendly and nice to each other. It isn’t like some other nearby schools where everyone is divided into gangs and they get into fights all the time. People here are not only tolerant, but genuinely outgoing and warm both inside school and out. For instance, I’m usually shy but when I went to the Valentine’s dance it was so easy not to be, because practically everyone said “hi” and complimented me and gave me advice and I think even your own Stephanie White gave me a smile. Only one person I asked didn’t dance with me, and she had to go home. To top it all off I didn’t have to worry about someone suddenly getting jumped and knifed. I used to hate this school, but now I realize how wonderful it is, and I think you should mention that in the last issue before the summer or something.
Thank you for your time and again, I don’t want you to feel like I’m forcing these on you. I wasn’t sure from your website whether you wanted suggestions or not but that’s what I thought when I got these ideas. Also I’m not sure (I know, I’m stupid) whether a signature and phone number is only for things being printed, but I think I’m supposed to have them anyway so I will. I just don’t want you to think, “Jeez, he wants us to print this garbage? Who does he think he is?” or something like that. It’s okay if you do, of course, but I don’t see why you would. I’m just going to assume that this isn’t as bad as it looks to me and send it anyway.
Christopher Nicholson
(315) 328-4963
I just finished reading all the back issues of the Ludicrous Larrie and they were really good. I’m not sure if this is school-sponsored or your own creation but it certainly takes something to write all that creative stuff. Anyway I saw the email address and decided to contact you so you know someone reads it and cares. I also had a few ideas, just concepts really, floating around. Now I’m feeling a little sheepish about sharing them but I guess I will anyway and sorry if they’re dumb. Please understand first off that I am not trying to tell you for one second what to do or what to write in your newspaper, and I will not be offended if you don’t even write back. Although if I am intruding where I am completely unwelcome please let me know so I can make sure in the future to bug off.
The first thing I thought of was that wonderful article about those annoying and environmentally destructive blue passes. I agree with every word of it and I was wondering about other school policies that are kind of ridiculous. Would you ever consider doing an article on Public Displays of Affection? One of my best friends has been reprimanded a couple times just for having his arm around his girlfriend. Now, I personally think if it is something little like that, or even so much as a friendly kiss, it does not “distract from the academic process” and there shouldn’t be a problem with it. Of course if they are eating each others’ faces off or sounding like a Slurpee machine plugged into an amplifier, or groping around in private places, a stop should be put to that. But nitpicking about every little thing seems like a completely unnecessary violation of personal freedom. In fact, maybe teachers should encourage that kind of thing when they see it, because it means students are being open and friendly and not throwing punches.
Then I thought about a bigger problem. It seems many high-scholars cannot grasp the concept that drinking alcohol in New York state under the age of twenty-one is illegal, as is driving under the influence, for good reasons. Today it may be a hangover and a busted fender, tomorrow it may be a bigger hangover and a dead pedestrian. I really hesitate to stick my nose here. I know I probably sound like a suck-up prude or something. I know SADD is working on this and it’s not your job. I know some of you might drink yourselves and be about ready to kill me. But these people are going to destroy their lives and probably some others’ in the process. I don’t think for an instant they know their limits and those of the law as well as they think they do. Besides, most of them are probably just doing it to be “cool.” There has to be a way to stop that. If you could have so much as just a little blurb drawing awareness to the issue that would be awesome.
Finally, whether you can work with this or not, I have to say this is a great school. A classmate was talking the other day and made me realize, everyone here is friendly and nice to each other. It isn’t like some other nearby schools where everyone is divided into gangs and they get into fights all the time. People here are not only tolerant, but genuinely outgoing and warm both inside school and out. For instance, I’m usually shy but when I went to the Valentine’s dance it was so easy not to be, because practically everyone said “hi” and complimented me and gave me advice and I think even your own Stephanie White gave me a smile. Only one person I asked didn’t dance with me, and she had to go home. To top it all off I didn’t have to worry about someone suddenly getting jumped and knifed. I used to hate this school, but now I realize how wonderful it is, and I think you should mention that in the last issue before the summer or something.
Thank you for your time and again, I don’t want you to feel like I’m forcing these on you. I wasn’t sure from your website whether you wanted suggestions or not but that’s what I thought when I got these ideas. Also I’m not sure (I know, I’m stupid) whether a signature and phone number is only for things being printed, but I think I’m supposed to have them anyway so I will. I just don’t want you to think, “Jeez, he wants us to print this garbage? Who does he think he is?” or something like that. It’s okay if you do, of course, but I don’t see why you would. I’m just going to assume that this isn’t as bad as it looks to me and send it anyway.
Christopher Nicholson
(315) 328-4963
To Jessica from EFY
Including one of the counselors, there were four gorgeous Jessicas in my Especially For Youth group, "Called Today". This letter was to one of them, before she unfriended me for whatever reason. Apparently there's a page missing between the second and third ones, or maybe I just had a stupid moment and skipped a line while writing it. Something about losing her phone number, apparently. The two letters mentioned at the beginning are not included here because I actually did send them, and the pickup line referenced was "Can I take your picture? I need to show Santa what I want for Christmas." That story is told more fully in my essay "In Defense of Pickup Lines".
![Dear Jessica, / It is strange, indeed, to be writing a pencil-and-paper letter in the year 2011. I used to write by hand all the time but I find the editing capabilities of a computer indispensable. Yet believe it or not, this is the third time in the last few months I have been driven to such measures. The others were for a high school alumnus and my own cousin. In your case I haven't been able to gauge your enthusiasm or lack thereof for keeping in touch with me, though I hear you're very busy. (I would be too if I didn't procrastinate on everything but I am actually writing this letter on a long car ride.) Anyway my hope is that since this letter is portable and you strike me as a fast reader, it won't present too much of a burden on your time. Also you needn't feel obligated to write back quickly, or indeed at all, and certainly not to write [as much?] as I'm going to. / First I would like to apologize for a couple of things. A while ago on Facebook you said something about how being single isn't that bad. I wholeheartedly agree; I've never had a girlfriend and won't be getting one in the foreseeable future. (Unfortunately, dating without being a couple isn't really an option in New York, but that's a whole different subject.) So anyhow as you may recall I commented on your status and mentioned that I'd just used the same pick-up line on ten different girls. You deleted the comment so I assume you were offended and I see why. It was rather a Neanderthal thing to say and I didn't think it through, so I apologize and ask your forgiveness. I'll try to explain myself though and I'll do it in another paragraph because this one's getting too long. / You probably figured this out, but the point I was trying to make was that pairing up closes off the glorious world of teenage flirting. My best guess is that you were](/uploads/4/9/4/8/49486603/4931593.jpg?672)
To Elder Tabor
After a brief stint of hating each other's guts, we were quite close growing up but then I moved for college and then he went on a mission and I never contacted him there, though I intended to. It's just as well I never sent this letter from late 2012 because my assessment of the girl's behavior, like my assessment of most human behavior, was totally mistaken. But I still love Indians.
And of course, let us not forget this one.
