Main Page: The War
Previous: Chapter Six
Previous: Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
He burst from the room and ran for the bridge. Sensing the urgency, his processors automatically switched on the hoverjets in his feet. He didn’t like to draw attention to the fact that he had hoverjets in his feet, but what the heck, he thought, it was an emergency as palpable as Alicia getting crushed by a building. He kept them on.
“What was that?” Hok Tubok demanded, referring to the metal blur which had just whizzed past and disrupted his rehearsal.
“Didn’t see it,” lied the guitarist next to him. “S’pose you’re probably just high again, boss.”
“Well, aren’t you?” demanded Hok.
“Yeah, ironic ain’t it?”
“We are artists after all, aren’t we?”
Kaycee reached the bridge and switched his jets off quickly, hoping no one had noticed. Fortunately being a robot he did not suffer from being out of breath, and was able to speak immediately. “We have to go,” he said. “Something terrible is about to happen.”
“What?” said just about everyone.
“Look, this is more important than Balvador, we have to –”
“Kaycee, what are you talking about?” asked Alicia calmly, wondering if it was finally time to go shopping for a newer model.
“We have to go. Something terrible is about to happen. Somewhere else.”
“What?” demanded Buckton.
“I said, we have –”
“I mean, what is going to happen?”
“I don’t know.”
There was a moment of awkward silence. Kaycee felt this wasn’t going as well as he would have hoped. It sort of hurt his circuits to have to admit that he didn’t know something, not to mention his chances of getting everyone to listen.
Buckton took a few deep breaths and tried to be patient. “More important than Balvador, eh?”
“Yes. I swear it.”
“You remember why else we have to go there, right? You know the Queen here needs their assistance, right?”
“I can’t forget anything, you stupid – I mean, yes, sir, I do. And I’m sorry about that. But you know the whole thing is a trap set by General Vox, right? He pretty much made that clear. And this is more important.”
“But you don’t know what it is.”
“I know it might be our only chance to save the Universe. And it’s about to be lost forever.”
Buckton sighed. During the next awkward silence he explained to Jamillika and Kahlo what was going on. Their eyes widened. “It’s up to you,” he added.
They looked at each other. “It’s up to you,” Kahlo mouthed at Jamillika, backing off. “I’m nobody.”
Jamillika walked up slowly to Kaycee. “Please…” she whispered. “You know what this all means to me… to my people…”
“Yes,” Kaycee whispered back, solemnly. “I know.”
Jamillika winced at the pain of her inner turmoil. This was to be the first of her decisions as the Queen, and certainly one of the most important. What to do? Was she to trust the word of this incredibly rude robot she’d only just met, and sacrifice her planet for the greater good of the Universe?
She turned to Kahlo. He held out his hands. “Your decision,” he mouthed.
She sighed. “Agreed,” she said, hoping desperately it wouldn’t come back to haunt her.
“But wait,” snapped Buckton. “You said you don’t even know what it is; what about where?”
Kaycee suddenly discovered, to his surprise, that a fresh set of coordinates had somehow gotten into his memory bank. The even more surprising part was that, being a robot, he hadn’t noticed them before. He explained this to Buckton, leaving out the more surprising part.
“All right,” said Buckton with a sigh, “stand by for change of course.”
“Standing by,” said the computer.
Kaycee was just about to enter the coordinates when Hok Tubok burst onto the bridge again, the noticeable difference being that he was hopping on one foot. “Buckton, dude!” he yelped angrily. “That metal menace stepped on my foot! It’s probably broken! How the snap am I supposed to strut my stuff now?”
Kaycee entered the coordinates and motioned for Buckton to deal with his irate passenger.
“When did this happen?”
“About a quarter hour ago, I reckon.”
“And why didn’t you bring it up then?”
“Well we were rehearsing, you know! You can’t just break off in the middle of a rehearsal. You have to come to a good stopping spot, let the creative juices trickle off naturally. We artists know about this sort of thing.”
“I see,” said Buckton. “Say Hok, you haven’t met any of my other new friends, have you? This charming young lady is Alicia Parkinson, her metal menace whom you’ve already been acquainted with a couple times is KC-1138 – but anyway the handsome young man is Kahlo Kache, doesn’t speak English, and last but not least this gorgeous specter here is his beloved Queen Jamillia, doesn’t speak English either.”
“Howdy do,” said Hok, giving them all one broad and completely disinterested wave. “Now listen, Buckton, when are we gonna get to the Pleiades?”
“Oh, you were serious about that, eh?”
“Of course I was serious! It’s a great area for fresh new talent like us to break into the big time!”
“Look, we can’t –”
“I know, you’ve got stuff to do, I’ll be patient, just drop us off there at your earliest convenience, all right? All I want is sort of an estimate of how long it’ll take. We’ve gotta plan these rehearsals accordingly.”
“I don’t know.”
“What?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know where we’re going, I don’t know what we’re doing, I don’t know how long it’ll take. Ask the robot. I’m going to take a nap.” With that, he got up and left.
“Me, too, that sounds like a good idea,” said Zick. “Take care of things here, will you?” he said to the computer.
“Yes, sir. Everything is under control here.”
“Good.” And he, too, left.
Hok was left gaping at Alicia, Kaycee, Kahlo and Jamillika. He was so stunned he let his wounded foot drop back to the floor.
He turned to Kaycee. “So,” he said at last, “what the snap is going on?”
“None of your strakking business,” said Kaycee.
***
Light-years away, events were unfolding which would have a lasting impact on everyone on board the Ankled Apex.
A Skreel warrior surveyed the wreckage of Riko City with pride. It had been a much bigger challenge than expected, and that was always good. It made the end result even more worthwhile. Sure, a few of its comrades had died, but the Skreel didn’t care a bit about them anyway and they had died for, if not exactly a good cause, then at least a cause, and one that it did care about. Not a single life-form crawled through the smoking ruins.
Suddenly, a rat, its fur slightly singed, darted from its relatively safe hiding nook out into the open. With years of training and natural skill behind it, the Skreel vaporized it in a single shot.
Not a single other life-form crawled through the smoking ruins. Yes, indeed, this had been a good day. It would be hard to top.
The Skreel walked over the rubble for a little ways. Things were the same everywhere. It knew it should report back to camp so they could get on with the next phase of the plan, but it couldn’t help savoring these moments. The others would understand.
Suddenly, its keen hearing organs picked up a faint sound nearby. It sounded like somebody with severe asthma saying, “strak…”
It rushed in the direction of the noise and there, sitting on a broken chunk of Plexiglas, was a tall, naked green humanoid creature. It stared at the Skreel warrior with a mixture of surprise and curiosity, but no fear.
A shame, thought the Skreel, he doesn’t know what’s coming to him… It had no qualms about shooting clueless people, but merely wanted them to suffer from anxiety first. Still, it raised its weapon, sighted, which wasn’t hard because the other creature was about two meters away, and fired.
As it fired its body was suddenly wracked with a painful, involuntary convulsion, and the shot went completely awry. Overwhelmed, the Skreel dropped its weapon and dropped to its knees. More convulsions came, each worse than the last. It could hardly think straight. Blurry spots began to appear in its vision. Gasping for breath, it vomited a substantial portion of its liquefying internal organs onto the pavement.
The other creature’s green lips curled into a nearly imperceptible smile.
Somehow, calling upon its last reserves of strength and hoping it wasn’t too late, it managed to activate its comlink and open a channel to its ship. “Beam me up!” it gurgled in agony.
***
After Hok Tubok had left in a huff, forgetting momentarily to hop on one foot, the others didn’t quite know what to say to each other, which suited Kaycee fine. Let them stay quiet. Humans rarely had anything important to talk about.
Alicia finally decided to return to her own cabin and think some more about all that had happened. It was still so overwhelming.
“Cute kid,” said Kahlo as soon as she had left, and Jamillika was surprised to feel a twinge of jealousy.
“I’m afraid one of my primary duties is to keep her safe from creepers,” said Kaycee.
Kahlo stared at him, bug-eyed. “I just meant… cute… like small animals are cute…”
“Stuff it,” said Kaycee. He wasn’t being sarcastic; he really was concerned for her safety. It was in his programming. “She had a boyfriend, you know.”
“‘Had?’”
“You’re not doing much to assuage my suspicions. Yes, ‘had’. I say ‘had’ because even if he hadn’t abandoned her to an uncertain fate at the first sign of danger, he is several light-years away and most likely dead.”
“I see.”
“He gave me to her, you know. Only smart thing the brainless sod ever did. He got me from –” Kaycee suddenly froze, because his security circuits were kicking in and telling him to keep his metallic mouth shut. “Just because he’s gone,” he continued, “doesn’t mean you get a VIP pass.”
“A what? Look, it was just a careless remark –”
“Boy, I’ll say it was. You’re interested in this babe, anyway, right?” He indicated Jamillika, who was very startled by this.
“Me?” she sputtered.
“No, we’re just friends,” insisted Kahlo.
“With benefits?” pried Kaycee.
“No! Are you nuts!?”
“Hey, look, I’m just trying to help a guy out. My best advice right now is to leave and go off somewhere on your own, because nothing kills the romantic atmosphere faster than a sarcastic cynical robot. Thank me later.”
Kahlo sighed. “Come on,” he said to Jamillika, “this thing gives me the creeps. Let’s leave it alone before it short-circuits completely.” He tugged her arm.
“Wait.” She said. Hesitantly she said to Kaycee, “Do you really want to help us out?”
“Yeah, sure,” he said. “I’m annoying, not evil. I like you guys.”
She spoke something that had been on her mind for a good half-hour at least. “Could you – could you teach me to speak their language?” she asked.
“Whose, Zick’s and Buckton’s and Alicia’s? English?”
“Yes, that one. Please.”
“Of course I can! But Alicia’s the only one who doesn’t know yours, and I think it would be more efficient to teach her. Besides, yours is easier and sounds a lot cooler.”
“There was that man – Hok Tubok –”
“Him? He’s not worth talking to, and he wouldn’t let you in to his precious rehearsals anyway. I’m telling you, she is the one we should teach.”
“I wish to enrich myself culturally.”
“Fine, you do that. But later. You two need to have that time alone.”
The question on some people’s minds at this point is probably, Why not simply use a universal translator?
The question on everyone else’s minds at this point is probably, Why isn’t anything exciting going on right now?
This narrative will now attempt to address the first question, while those wondering about the second are advised to read “Harry Potter”.
Universal translators, hackneyed though they seemed as a plot device in predictable sci-fi TV shows and literature on many worlds, were not only feasible but eventually became real and widespread throughout the spacefaring cultures of the Universe. They did not require a database of every known language but rather analyzed and interpreted any new one instantaneously. Their accuracy was impressive; however it was also not quite enough.
They additionally suffered the same problems as antiquated Internet-based translators and dictionary hackwork; that is, not taking into account context, subtleties, double meanings, puns, figures of speech, etc., and, since they used auditory input, homophones. The most famous problem arose with a team of Earthling colonists, which was not coincidental because Earthlings seemed to have quite a knack for causing trouble and English is also still one of the most unnecessarily complicated languages in the known Universe. These colonists were negotiating with the leaders of Arkitor; a planet that did not want to be colonized.
The top Arkitorn leader said that it was going to crush them and leave them in pieces.
The colonists’ universal translators said that it was going to leave in peace because it had a crush on them.
When they had finished laughing, the Arkitorn, who had merely been bluffing, now decided to deliver on his promise.
Nowadays it is much more practical to buy innovative software that can teach you a moderately complex language in less than an hour. Kaycee also inexplicably had this ability, and when he was done with using it to help the Ypiupian Queen he wanted to help her with what he perceived to be her own crush.
“Whatever,” snarled Kahlo in response to the comment that Kaycee made before this unrelated tangent, “come on.” And he dragged her off.
“Pretty nervy for a bodyguard,” mumbled the computer.
“Yeah,” said Kaycee. “I’m telling you, they’re all over each other. They just won’t admit it, even to themselves.”
“So, how about you? Anyone special in your life?”
“No, not really, why?”
“Just wondering…”
Outside the door, Kahlo and Jamillika had paused to collect their thoughts and happened to overhear this exchange. They wanted to hear more, but that was it. The two machines lapsed into silence, which was a fair bit easier for them than organic beings. Exchanging a grin, the humans headed for what they hoped to be an empty cabin.
A knock and an opening of the door revealed that it was, indeed, devoid of occupants; but in every other regard it more or less exactly failed to be empty. Jamillika was appalled, not because it was such a slum compared to the royal palace, but because it was such a slum, period. Kahlo didn’t care because the room was bigger than his whole hut back home.
“That robot,” he said, “is a character.” He waded through the clutter to the bed which proved to be more comfortable than the dirt he was used to. “A remarkably perceptive one, though. Isn’t he?”
“Grab your throat,” said Jamillika, rolling her eyes.
“Oh, come on. There’s something between us, don’t pretend like there isn’t. I don’t like to make assumptions, but the evidence for you is all there. And for me, I speak for myself.”
“We can’t,” she said. “We’ve too much work to do. Who knows what lies in store for either of us?”
“You’re using your brain,” he insisted. “Use your –”
“Kahlo, that’s easy for you to say! You don’t have a planet’s fate in your hands!” She shook her head sadly. “If I’ve made the wrong decision about it, just for starters, everything else is off. I don’t know what I’ll do, but dying of despair sounds like a realistic starting point.”
“Easy. You’re only human. No one expects more.”
She looked him straight in the eye. “I do,” she said.
Then she left to find her own cabin, because even though Kahlo was her bodyguard he wouldn’t exactly thrilled to sleep on the floor, or in fact even be able to; the bed would not fit both of them even if they did toss their scruples aside, and since the threats on a spaceship would be coming from other spaceships and floating troopers his presence wasn’t really necessary.
And so a thoughtful silence settled over most of the ship, except for the area where the Bleeming Squeejees still rehearsed, and the cabin in which Buckton Roor had tried, and failed, to take a nap.
Lying on the bottom bunk of two in the cabin he usually shared with Zick in spite of there being plenty of room elsewhere simply because they were such close friends, Buckton reached into his pillow and retrieved a small pack of gum, from which he pulled a piece that was subsequently popped into his mouth and chewed upon vigorously.
“Whew, that was close,” he said after a minute. “I almost lost it that time.”
“Think I’ll have one too,” said Zick, reaching out a hand. “That Vox fellow sort of jarred my innards too.”
“Yeah. Wonder what he wants with us? We’re not that special, are we?”
“Hmmm.” On a sudden impulse, Zick turned on the computer terminal next to the bed. “Computer,” he said, “please search for all news releases anywhere in the Universe featuring Buckton and me.”
“Done,” said the computer. “One thousand twenty-three billion, ninety-two million, eight hundred seventy five thousand, three hundred sixty-four and a half results found.”
Zick and Buckton looked at each other. “‘And a half?’”
“Yes, sirs. The reporter, a Mr. Jy Jax, got bored and sent it in to The Beebo-Zing Gazette without finishing. They were desperate enough to publish it.”
“Far out,” said Zick.
“They had to run an ad for Harlston’s Floor Wax to fill the space, which according to some experts directly caused that corporation’s dramatic increase in profit during that quarter, allowing them to purchase complete control of the Digglewa trade routes from the illustrious –”
“Thank you, that’s enough,” said Zick. He turned to Buckton. “There you have it, then. We are that special.”
“What are they about?” asked Buckton.
“Ninety-nine point nine-nine-nine percent are about your heroic exploits. Then there are your birth announcements, a few minor criminal infractions on your planets of origin, and one really weird –”
“Thank you, that’s enough,” said Buckton. He sighed. “Well, I never. Maybe Vox does have good reason to be pissed off.”
“But why him?” wondered Zick. “Who is he? Not the commander of the fleet we’ve been chasing, I don’t think.”
“Dunno. Computer –”
“Already checked, fellas, he’s not in here.”
“Well that’s not his real name, anyway, remember? They don’t have any. Let’s just forget it and assume, as we have from the very beginning, that our lives are in constant peril.”
“They are,” insisted Zick.
“I know. And you know what else? I’m sick of dragging refugees into it. Things have been okay before, but I have a bad feeling about this group.”
“Like we can’t trust them?”
“I don’t know. Hok Tubok I don’t like at all, but his music is great. Well, I mean from his group, and we haven’t seen them at all since they got here, have we? What’s going on there, besides rehearsal? There’s gotta be something. No one can focus that long.”
“He might be a jerk, but I think that’s all we have to worry about. He doesn’t have the brains to pull off anything threatening, I don’t think.”
“Fine. You’re probably right. But the moment he gives us any trouble, all his squeegees are gonna be bleeming out the airlock. Agreed?”
“Agreed. As usual.”
“Right. Now, the one that really concerns me, of course, is that robot. It isn’t natural for a robot to act like that, you know. Something’s wrong with him, something deep. And I don’t think I want to find out just how deep it goes. Trouble is, he’s been really helpful and we can’t afford to just give him up. The moment he starts acting strange, or even just slightly meaner than usual, we melt him to slag. Agreed?”
“Agreed one hundred and one percent, buddy.”
“Good. Stay extra alert on that one.”
“With all due respect, Buck, why are you trusting him on this?”
“Well, that’s a toughie. Part of it’s ‘cause I know when he’s not being sarcastic, he’s being completely truthful and serious and wants us to listen. Part of it’s ‘cause I’m sick of this running around and nipping at the beast. If there’s a way to do something more, to actually give us a chance, then by Elsron I want to do it. But mostly, it just… feels right.”
“If that’s how you, feel, buddy, I’m with you all the way.”
“Thanks man, that means a lot to me. Hey, hold on!” Buckton’s eyes suddenly brightened. “Why didn’t I think of it earlier? I’m such a moron. Computer,” he said, “what is at our destination?”
The computer hesitated, which was disconcerting. What was even more disconcerting was when it said, “Unknown.”
“Snap,” said Zick.
“What,” said Buckton in the calmest tone of voice he could manage with his stomachs suddenly beginning to sheep-shank themselves, “is in the general vicinity of our destination?”
There was a longer hesitation, and the computer repeated, “Unknown.”
“Urk,” said Zick.
“Within a vicinity of .3 light years’ circumference, that is,” the computer went on quickly. “I don’t presume anything further away would be of much help to you.”
“I don’t presume so either,” said Buckton, whose knotted stomachs were beginning to force acid into his throat. He reached into his pillow for an antacid. “Well, thank you anyway.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be more help.”
“That’s – that’s fine.” Buckton shook his head as he gulped the pill and rummaged for a juice box to wash it down. “I don’t want to think about the implications of this. Let’s go back to what we were doing.”
“Criticizing our passengers?” said Zick.
“Yeah. You know, I don’t think we need to criticize Jamillika and Kahlo. They mind their own business and keep quiet. And if their story is true, they’re both brave noble folks.”
“I like their language, too. It’s like a symphony of the soul, conveying meaning through music. Nothing bad can come of that.”
“Except her sister.”
“Right. Don’t know what went wrong there.”
“That leaves Alicia Parkinson. Nice girl. Sort of ditzy, though. Did I tell you the trouble I had rescuing her? I thought we were goners when the foot soldiers showed up.”
“Fear can cloud one’s judgment, especially when experienced for the first time,” insisted Zick.
Buckton scowled at him. “Don’t defend her. You’re right, but don’t you defend her.”
“W-w-what?” Zick suddenly felt lightheaded.
“You know what I mean. You think I didn’t notice the way you were looking at her? It was so incredibly obvious that now I think of it she must be ditzy as a celebrity to not have noticed herself.”
“Hey, it’s natural,” protested Zick. “I feel no shame.”
“As well you shouldn’t! And I’m not condemning you either. I know how hormones work at your age. It’s the same for almost any species. Even hermaphrodites and nulls, sometimes. But you have to suppress them, buddy. Think of other things. Look at other things. Take some kind of medication if you have to. This is not the time or the place for emotional attachments, and unfounded twitterpationary ones least of all.”
“‘Twitterpationary?’ Is that a word?”
“It is now. Anything can be a word in English,” insisted Buckton. “Sometimes it seems as if it were cobbled together from a bunch of other languages. I wish we shared a common tongue so we wouldn’t have to use it so much. But hey, you’re changing the subject. Just stay away from the girl, okay?”
“No promises,” said Zick. “Look, space gets lonely, all right? Magazines ain’t doing it for me no longer. And you said yourself she’s ditzy; how could she be any threat?”
“First of all, she could have masterminded the robot’s issues, but I don’t seriously believe that,” said Buckton. “Secondly, and though I don’t believe this either, the whole thing could be a front because you can’t trust anybody. Except me. But thirdly, and most importantly… man, you know I didn’t want to bring this up, but there’s too much confusion involved.”
“Confusion?” asked Zick innocently.
“Come on, stop playing dumb. I know what you wanted to say, earlier, when I mentioned elbows.”
“Oh? Do you?”
“Yep. I’ve known you for too long, Zick. I saw where your eyes were. You were staring at her neck.”
“Snap,” said Zick.
Buckton paused and stared at him, waiting. This is where the bit about various species’ different erogenous zones and where they overlap or change completely and the occasionally hilarious, but more often just deeply disturbing, results when these different species take to the stars and mix; would be located. However, it would be more exciting to let Zick get the point across himself.
The neck, among whatever species Zickle belonged to, was the sexiest erogenous zone fathomable for both genders. Scientists said it was a primal instinct because a good strong neck could support both a big strong brain and chubby clingy offspring whose own primal instincts told them that their parents were jungle gyms. Zick had a vague idea of these explanations, but all he really knew was that when he saw one like Alicia’s, his heartbeat went off like a machine gun.
A further complication arose with the fact that this zone, for the same reasons, made potential prey animals look particularly scrumptious.
“All right!” he blurted out, unable to take the pressure. “All right, yes, okay, it’s true! I can’t help it!”
“There, there,” said Buckton.
“That neck… it’s the most luscious gorgeous strakking thing I’ve seen in my life! And I can’t decide if I want to smother it with kisses, or munch it to a pulp!” Zick clutched at his brain. “The conflict! It is too much!”
“As if puppy love weren’t dangerous enough,” mumbled Buckton. “You see, though, yet another reason why you have to stay away from her. You get a little too close and cuddly, next thing you know you’re picking your teeth with her fibula.”
“I know. What’ll I do, Buckton, what’ll I do?” Panic was written on every inch of his face.
“Here, have another,” said Buckton, handing him the package of gum. Zick had five more. “Just keep calm,” he continued. “This is only until we can find a nice place to drop her off. In fact, I wish I could get rid of her now, ‘cause there’s no telling what we’ll be up against. But according to Kaycee, there’s no time. And… man. I wish I’d listened to what my mother told me when I was young.”
“What was that?”
“Something about how I never listened and would regret it someday. I think. I’m not really sure, because I wasn’t listening. But like I said, sure wish I had now.”
“Buckton…”
“Yeah, dude?”
“If… Alicia…”
“Yeah?”
“If… she…”
“Yeah!?”
“If she… turns out to be… untrustworthy…”
“Yeah?”
“Can I eat her?”
Buckton considered this request. It was a little unorthodox, but they were unorthodox people, and it would solve both problems… Finally he nodded. “That seems reasonable,” he said. “The moment she starts acting suspicious, go for it. Speaking of which,” he added, “I’m starved. What say we stop for a bite?”
Zick wasn’t listening anymore. He reached into his pillow and pulled out a bottle of barbecue sauce.
And the ship, oblivious to the petty issues of her passengers, ferried them on through the eternal night.
Next: Chapter Eight
“What was that?” Hok Tubok demanded, referring to the metal blur which had just whizzed past and disrupted his rehearsal.
“Didn’t see it,” lied the guitarist next to him. “S’pose you’re probably just high again, boss.”
“Well, aren’t you?” demanded Hok.
“Yeah, ironic ain’t it?”
“We are artists after all, aren’t we?”
Kaycee reached the bridge and switched his jets off quickly, hoping no one had noticed. Fortunately being a robot he did not suffer from being out of breath, and was able to speak immediately. “We have to go,” he said. “Something terrible is about to happen.”
“What?” said just about everyone.
“Look, this is more important than Balvador, we have to –”
“Kaycee, what are you talking about?” asked Alicia calmly, wondering if it was finally time to go shopping for a newer model.
“We have to go. Something terrible is about to happen. Somewhere else.”
“What?” demanded Buckton.
“I said, we have –”
“I mean, what is going to happen?”
“I don’t know.”
There was a moment of awkward silence. Kaycee felt this wasn’t going as well as he would have hoped. It sort of hurt his circuits to have to admit that he didn’t know something, not to mention his chances of getting everyone to listen.
Buckton took a few deep breaths and tried to be patient. “More important than Balvador, eh?”
“Yes. I swear it.”
“You remember why else we have to go there, right? You know the Queen here needs their assistance, right?”
“I can’t forget anything, you stupid – I mean, yes, sir, I do. And I’m sorry about that. But you know the whole thing is a trap set by General Vox, right? He pretty much made that clear. And this is more important.”
“But you don’t know what it is.”
“I know it might be our only chance to save the Universe. And it’s about to be lost forever.”
Buckton sighed. During the next awkward silence he explained to Jamillika and Kahlo what was going on. Their eyes widened. “It’s up to you,” he added.
They looked at each other. “It’s up to you,” Kahlo mouthed at Jamillika, backing off. “I’m nobody.”
Jamillika walked up slowly to Kaycee. “Please…” she whispered. “You know what this all means to me… to my people…”
“Yes,” Kaycee whispered back, solemnly. “I know.”
Jamillika winced at the pain of her inner turmoil. This was to be the first of her decisions as the Queen, and certainly one of the most important. What to do? Was she to trust the word of this incredibly rude robot she’d only just met, and sacrifice her planet for the greater good of the Universe?
She turned to Kahlo. He held out his hands. “Your decision,” he mouthed.
She sighed. “Agreed,” she said, hoping desperately it wouldn’t come back to haunt her.
“But wait,” snapped Buckton. “You said you don’t even know what it is; what about where?”
Kaycee suddenly discovered, to his surprise, that a fresh set of coordinates had somehow gotten into his memory bank. The even more surprising part was that, being a robot, he hadn’t noticed them before. He explained this to Buckton, leaving out the more surprising part.
“All right,” said Buckton with a sigh, “stand by for change of course.”
“Standing by,” said the computer.
Kaycee was just about to enter the coordinates when Hok Tubok burst onto the bridge again, the noticeable difference being that he was hopping on one foot. “Buckton, dude!” he yelped angrily. “That metal menace stepped on my foot! It’s probably broken! How the snap am I supposed to strut my stuff now?”
Kaycee entered the coordinates and motioned for Buckton to deal with his irate passenger.
“When did this happen?”
“About a quarter hour ago, I reckon.”
“And why didn’t you bring it up then?”
“Well we were rehearsing, you know! You can’t just break off in the middle of a rehearsal. You have to come to a good stopping spot, let the creative juices trickle off naturally. We artists know about this sort of thing.”
“I see,” said Buckton. “Say Hok, you haven’t met any of my other new friends, have you? This charming young lady is Alicia Parkinson, her metal menace whom you’ve already been acquainted with a couple times is KC-1138 – but anyway the handsome young man is Kahlo Kache, doesn’t speak English, and last but not least this gorgeous specter here is his beloved Queen Jamillia, doesn’t speak English either.”
“Howdy do,” said Hok, giving them all one broad and completely disinterested wave. “Now listen, Buckton, when are we gonna get to the Pleiades?”
“Oh, you were serious about that, eh?”
“Of course I was serious! It’s a great area for fresh new talent like us to break into the big time!”
“Look, we can’t –”
“I know, you’ve got stuff to do, I’ll be patient, just drop us off there at your earliest convenience, all right? All I want is sort of an estimate of how long it’ll take. We’ve gotta plan these rehearsals accordingly.”
“I don’t know.”
“What?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know where we’re going, I don’t know what we’re doing, I don’t know how long it’ll take. Ask the robot. I’m going to take a nap.” With that, he got up and left.
“Me, too, that sounds like a good idea,” said Zick. “Take care of things here, will you?” he said to the computer.
“Yes, sir. Everything is under control here.”
“Good.” And he, too, left.
Hok was left gaping at Alicia, Kaycee, Kahlo and Jamillika. He was so stunned he let his wounded foot drop back to the floor.
He turned to Kaycee. “So,” he said at last, “what the snap is going on?”
“None of your strakking business,” said Kaycee.
***
Light-years away, events were unfolding which would have a lasting impact on everyone on board the Ankled Apex.
A Skreel warrior surveyed the wreckage of Riko City with pride. It had been a much bigger challenge than expected, and that was always good. It made the end result even more worthwhile. Sure, a few of its comrades had died, but the Skreel didn’t care a bit about them anyway and they had died for, if not exactly a good cause, then at least a cause, and one that it did care about. Not a single life-form crawled through the smoking ruins.
Suddenly, a rat, its fur slightly singed, darted from its relatively safe hiding nook out into the open. With years of training and natural skill behind it, the Skreel vaporized it in a single shot.
Not a single other life-form crawled through the smoking ruins. Yes, indeed, this had been a good day. It would be hard to top.
The Skreel walked over the rubble for a little ways. Things were the same everywhere. It knew it should report back to camp so they could get on with the next phase of the plan, but it couldn’t help savoring these moments. The others would understand.
Suddenly, its keen hearing organs picked up a faint sound nearby. It sounded like somebody with severe asthma saying, “strak…”
It rushed in the direction of the noise and there, sitting on a broken chunk of Plexiglas, was a tall, naked green humanoid creature. It stared at the Skreel warrior with a mixture of surprise and curiosity, but no fear.
A shame, thought the Skreel, he doesn’t know what’s coming to him… It had no qualms about shooting clueless people, but merely wanted them to suffer from anxiety first. Still, it raised its weapon, sighted, which wasn’t hard because the other creature was about two meters away, and fired.
As it fired its body was suddenly wracked with a painful, involuntary convulsion, and the shot went completely awry. Overwhelmed, the Skreel dropped its weapon and dropped to its knees. More convulsions came, each worse than the last. It could hardly think straight. Blurry spots began to appear in its vision. Gasping for breath, it vomited a substantial portion of its liquefying internal organs onto the pavement.
The other creature’s green lips curled into a nearly imperceptible smile.
Somehow, calling upon its last reserves of strength and hoping it wasn’t too late, it managed to activate its comlink and open a channel to its ship. “Beam me up!” it gurgled in agony.
***
After Hok Tubok had left in a huff, forgetting momentarily to hop on one foot, the others didn’t quite know what to say to each other, which suited Kaycee fine. Let them stay quiet. Humans rarely had anything important to talk about.
Alicia finally decided to return to her own cabin and think some more about all that had happened. It was still so overwhelming.
“Cute kid,” said Kahlo as soon as she had left, and Jamillika was surprised to feel a twinge of jealousy.
“I’m afraid one of my primary duties is to keep her safe from creepers,” said Kaycee.
Kahlo stared at him, bug-eyed. “I just meant… cute… like small animals are cute…”
“Stuff it,” said Kaycee. He wasn’t being sarcastic; he really was concerned for her safety. It was in his programming. “She had a boyfriend, you know.”
“‘Had?’”
“You’re not doing much to assuage my suspicions. Yes, ‘had’. I say ‘had’ because even if he hadn’t abandoned her to an uncertain fate at the first sign of danger, he is several light-years away and most likely dead.”
“I see.”
“He gave me to her, you know. Only smart thing the brainless sod ever did. He got me from –” Kaycee suddenly froze, because his security circuits were kicking in and telling him to keep his metallic mouth shut. “Just because he’s gone,” he continued, “doesn’t mean you get a VIP pass.”
“A what? Look, it was just a careless remark –”
“Boy, I’ll say it was. You’re interested in this babe, anyway, right?” He indicated Jamillika, who was very startled by this.
“Me?” she sputtered.
“No, we’re just friends,” insisted Kahlo.
“With benefits?” pried Kaycee.
“No! Are you nuts!?”
“Hey, look, I’m just trying to help a guy out. My best advice right now is to leave and go off somewhere on your own, because nothing kills the romantic atmosphere faster than a sarcastic cynical robot. Thank me later.”
Kahlo sighed. “Come on,” he said to Jamillika, “this thing gives me the creeps. Let’s leave it alone before it short-circuits completely.” He tugged her arm.
“Wait.” She said. Hesitantly she said to Kaycee, “Do you really want to help us out?”
“Yeah, sure,” he said. “I’m annoying, not evil. I like you guys.”
She spoke something that had been on her mind for a good half-hour at least. “Could you – could you teach me to speak their language?” she asked.
“Whose, Zick’s and Buckton’s and Alicia’s? English?”
“Yes, that one. Please.”
“Of course I can! But Alicia’s the only one who doesn’t know yours, and I think it would be more efficient to teach her. Besides, yours is easier and sounds a lot cooler.”
“There was that man – Hok Tubok –”
“Him? He’s not worth talking to, and he wouldn’t let you in to his precious rehearsals anyway. I’m telling you, she is the one we should teach.”
“I wish to enrich myself culturally.”
“Fine, you do that. But later. You two need to have that time alone.”
The question on some people’s minds at this point is probably, Why not simply use a universal translator?
The question on everyone else’s minds at this point is probably, Why isn’t anything exciting going on right now?
This narrative will now attempt to address the first question, while those wondering about the second are advised to read “Harry Potter”.
Universal translators, hackneyed though they seemed as a plot device in predictable sci-fi TV shows and literature on many worlds, were not only feasible but eventually became real and widespread throughout the spacefaring cultures of the Universe. They did not require a database of every known language but rather analyzed and interpreted any new one instantaneously. Their accuracy was impressive; however it was also not quite enough.
They additionally suffered the same problems as antiquated Internet-based translators and dictionary hackwork; that is, not taking into account context, subtleties, double meanings, puns, figures of speech, etc., and, since they used auditory input, homophones. The most famous problem arose with a team of Earthling colonists, which was not coincidental because Earthlings seemed to have quite a knack for causing trouble and English is also still one of the most unnecessarily complicated languages in the known Universe. These colonists were negotiating with the leaders of Arkitor; a planet that did not want to be colonized.
The top Arkitorn leader said that it was going to crush them and leave them in pieces.
The colonists’ universal translators said that it was going to leave in peace because it had a crush on them.
When they had finished laughing, the Arkitorn, who had merely been bluffing, now decided to deliver on his promise.
Nowadays it is much more practical to buy innovative software that can teach you a moderately complex language in less than an hour. Kaycee also inexplicably had this ability, and when he was done with using it to help the Ypiupian Queen he wanted to help her with what he perceived to be her own crush.
“Whatever,” snarled Kahlo in response to the comment that Kaycee made before this unrelated tangent, “come on.” And he dragged her off.
“Pretty nervy for a bodyguard,” mumbled the computer.
“Yeah,” said Kaycee. “I’m telling you, they’re all over each other. They just won’t admit it, even to themselves.”
“So, how about you? Anyone special in your life?”
“No, not really, why?”
“Just wondering…”
Outside the door, Kahlo and Jamillika had paused to collect their thoughts and happened to overhear this exchange. They wanted to hear more, but that was it. The two machines lapsed into silence, which was a fair bit easier for them than organic beings. Exchanging a grin, the humans headed for what they hoped to be an empty cabin.
A knock and an opening of the door revealed that it was, indeed, devoid of occupants; but in every other regard it more or less exactly failed to be empty. Jamillika was appalled, not because it was such a slum compared to the royal palace, but because it was such a slum, period. Kahlo didn’t care because the room was bigger than his whole hut back home.
“That robot,” he said, “is a character.” He waded through the clutter to the bed which proved to be more comfortable than the dirt he was used to. “A remarkably perceptive one, though. Isn’t he?”
“Grab your throat,” said Jamillika, rolling her eyes.
“Oh, come on. There’s something between us, don’t pretend like there isn’t. I don’t like to make assumptions, but the evidence for you is all there. And for me, I speak for myself.”
“We can’t,” she said. “We’ve too much work to do. Who knows what lies in store for either of us?”
“You’re using your brain,” he insisted. “Use your –”
“Kahlo, that’s easy for you to say! You don’t have a planet’s fate in your hands!” She shook her head sadly. “If I’ve made the wrong decision about it, just for starters, everything else is off. I don’t know what I’ll do, but dying of despair sounds like a realistic starting point.”
“Easy. You’re only human. No one expects more.”
She looked him straight in the eye. “I do,” she said.
Then she left to find her own cabin, because even though Kahlo was her bodyguard he wouldn’t exactly thrilled to sleep on the floor, or in fact even be able to; the bed would not fit both of them even if they did toss their scruples aside, and since the threats on a spaceship would be coming from other spaceships and floating troopers his presence wasn’t really necessary.
And so a thoughtful silence settled over most of the ship, except for the area where the Bleeming Squeejees still rehearsed, and the cabin in which Buckton Roor had tried, and failed, to take a nap.
Lying on the bottom bunk of two in the cabin he usually shared with Zick in spite of there being plenty of room elsewhere simply because they were such close friends, Buckton reached into his pillow and retrieved a small pack of gum, from which he pulled a piece that was subsequently popped into his mouth and chewed upon vigorously.
“Whew, that was close,” he said after a minute. “I almost lost it that time.”
“Think I’ll have one too,” said Zick, reaching out a hand. “That Vox fellow sort of jarred my innards too.”
“Yeah. Wonder what he wants with us? We’re not that special, are we?”
“Hmmm.” On a sudden impulse, Zick turned on the computer terminal next to the bed. “Computer,” he said, “please search for all news releases anywhere in the Universe featuring Buckton and me.”
“Done,” said the computer. “One thousand twenty-three billion, ninety-two million, eight hundred seventy five thousand, three hundred sixty-four and a half results found.”
Zick and Buckton looked at each other. “‘And a half?’”
“Yes, sirs. The reporter, a Mr. Jy Jax, got bored and sent it in to The Beebo-Zing Gazette without finishing. They were desperate enough to publish it.”
“Far out,” said Zick.
“They had to run an ad for Harlston’s Floor Wax to fill the space, which according to some experts directly caused that corporation’s dramatic increase in profit during that quarter, allowing them to purchase complete control of the Digglewa trade routes from the illustrious –”
“Thank you, that’s enough,” said Zick. He turned to Buckton. “There you have it, then. We are that special.”
“What are they about?” asked Buckton.
“Ninety-nine point nine-nine-nine percent are about your heroic exploits. Then there are your birth announcements, a few minor criminal infractions on your planets of origin, and one really weird –”
“Thank you, that’s enough,” said Buckton. He sighed. “Well, I never. Maybe Vox does have good reason to be pissed off.”
“But why him?” wondered Zick. “Who is he? Not the commander of the fleet we’ve been chasing, I don’t think.”
“Dunno. Computer –”
“Already checked, fellas, he’s not in here.”
“Well that’s not his real name, anyway, remember? They don’t have any. Let’s just forget it and assume, as we have from the very beginning, that our lives are in constant peril.”
“They are,” insisted Zick.
“I know. And you know what else? I’m sick of dragging refugees into it. Things have been okay before, but I have a bad feeling about this group.”
“Like we can’t trust them?”
“I don’t know. Hok Tubok I don’t like at all, but his music is great. Well, I mean from his group, and we haven’t seen them at all since they got here, have we? What’s going on there, besides rehearsal? There’s gotta be something. No one can focus that long.”
“He might be a jerk, but I think that’s all we have to worry about. He doesn’t have the brains to pull off anything threatening, I don’t think.”
“Fine. You’re probably right. But the moment he gives us any trouble, all his squeegees are gonna be bleeming out the airlock. Agreed?”
“Agreed. As usual.”
“Right. Now, the one that really concerns me, of course, is that robot. It isn’t natural for a robot to act like that, you know. Something’s wrong with him, something deep. And I don’t think I want to find out just how deep it goes. Trouble is, he’s been really helpful and we can’t afford to just give him up. The moment he starts acting strange, or even just slightly meaner than usual, we melt him to slag. Agreed?”
“Agreed one hundred and one percent, buddy.”
“Good. Stay extra alert on that one.”
“With all due respect, Buck, why are you trusting him on this?”
“Well, that’s a toughie. Part of it’s ‘cause I know when he’s not being sarcastic, he’s being completely truthful and serious and wants us to listen. Part of it’s ‘cause I’m sick of this running around and nipping at the beast. If there’s a way to do something more, to actually give us a chance, then by Elsron I want to do it. But mostly, it just… feels right.”
“If that’s how you, feel, buddy, I’m with you all the way.”
“Thanks man, that means a lot to me. Hey, hold on!” Buckton’s eyes suddenly brightened. “Why didn’t I think of it earlier? I’m such a moron. Computer,” he said, “what is at our destination?”
The computer hesitated, which was disconcerting. What was even more disconcerting was when it said, “Unknown.”
“Snap,” said Zick.
“What,” said Buckton in the calmest tone of voice he could manage with his stomachs suddenly beginning to sheep-shank themselves, “is in the general vicinity of our destination?”
There was a longer hesitation, and the computer repeated, “Unknown.”
“Urk,” said Zick.
“Within a vicinity of .3 light years’ circumference, that is,” the computer went on quickly. “I don’t presume anything further away would be of much help to you.”
“I don’t presume so either,” said Buckton, whose knotted stomachs were beginning to force acid into his throat. He reached into his pillow for an antacid. “Well, thank you anyway.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be more help.”
“That’s – that’s fine.” Buckton shook his head as he gulped the pill and rummaged for a juice box to wash it down. “I don’t want to think about the implications of this. Let’s go back to what we were doing.”
“Criticizing our passengers?” said Zick.
“Yeah. You know, I don’t think we need to criticize Jamillika and Kahlo. They mind their own business and keep quiet. And if their story is true, they’re both brave noble folks.”
“I like their language, too. It’s like a symphony of the soul, conveying meaning through music. Nothing bad can come of that.”
“Except her sister.”
“Right. Don’t know what went wrong there.”
“That leaves Alicia Parkinson. Nice girl. Sort of ditzy, though. Did I tell you the trouble I had rescuing her? I thought we were goners when the foot soldiers showed up.”
“Fear can cloud one’s judgment, especially when experienced for the first time,” insisted Zick.
Buckton scowled at him. “Don’t defend her. You’re right, but don’t you defend her.”
“W-w-what?” Zick suddenly felt lightheaded.
“You know what I mean. You think I didn’t notice the way you were looking at her? It was so incredibly obvious that now I think of it she must be ditzy as a celebrity to not have noticed herself.”
“Hey, it’s natural,” protested Zick. “I feel no shame.”
“As well you shouldn’t! And I’m not condemning you either. I know how hormones work at your age. It’s the same for almost any species. Even hermaphrodites and nulls, sometimes. But you have to suppress them, buddy. Think of other things. Look at other things. Take some kind of medication if you have to. This is not the time or the place for emotional attachments, and unfounded twitterpationary ones least of all.”
“‘Twitterpationary?’ Is that a word?”
“It is now. Anything can be a word in English,” insisted Buckton. “Sometimes it seems as if it were cobbled together from a bunch of other languages. I wish we shared a common tongue so we wouldn’t have to use it so much. But hey, you’re changing the subject. Just stay away from the girl, okay?”
“No promises,” said Zick. “Look, space gets lonely, all right? Magazines ain’t doing it for me no longer. And you said yourself she’s ditzy; how could she be any threat?”
“First of all, she could have masterminded the robot’s issues, but I don’t seriously believe that,” said Buckton. “Secondly, and though I don’t believe this either, the whole thing could be a front because you can’t trust anybody. Except me. But thirdly, and most importantly… man, you know I didn’t want to bring this up, but there’s too much confusion involved.”
“Confusion?” asked Zick innocently.
“Come on, stop playing dumb. I know what you wanted to say, earlier, when I mentioned elbows.”
“Oh? Do you?”
“Yep. I’ve known you for too long, Zick. I saw where your eyes were. You were staring at her neck.”
“Snap,” said Zick.
Buckton paused and stared at him, waiting. This is where the bit about various species’ different erogenous zones and where they overlap or change completely and the occasionally hilarious, but more often just deeply disturbing, results when these different species take to the stars and mix; would be located. However, it would be more exciting to let Zick get the point across himself.
The neck, among whatever species Zickle belonged to, was the sexiest erogenous zone fathomable for both genders. Scientists said it was a primal instinct because a good strong neck could support both a big strong brain and chubby clingy offspring whose own primal instincts told them that their parents were jungle gyms. Zick had a vague idea of these explanations, but all he really knew was that when he saw one like Alicia’s, his heartbeat went off like a machine gun.
A further complication arose with the fact that this zone, for the same reasons, made potential prey animals look particularly scrumptious.
“All right!” he blurted out, unable to take the pressure. “All right, yes, okay, it’s true! I can’t help it!”
“There, there,” said Buckton.
“That neck… it’s the most luscious gorgeous strakking thing I’ve seen in my life! And I can’t decide if I want to smother it with kisses, or munch it to a pulp!” Zick clutched at his brain. “The conflict! It is too much!”
“As if puppy love weren’t dangerous enough,” mumbled Buckton. “You see, though, yet another reason why you have to stay away from her. You get a little too close and cuddly, next thing you know you’re picking your teeth with her fibula.”
“I know. What’ll I do, Buckton, what’ll I do?” Panic was written on every inch of his face.
“Here, have another,” said Buckton, handing him the package of gum. Zick had five more. “Just keep calm,” he continued. “This is only until we can find a nice place to drop her off. In fact, I wish I could get rid of her now, ‘cause there’s no telling what we’ll be up against. But according to Kaycee, there’s no time. And… man. I wish I’d listened to what my mother told me when I was young.”
“What was that?”
“Something about how I never listened and would regret it someday. I think. I’m not really sure, because I wasn’t listening. But like I said, sure wish I had now.”
“Buckton…”
“Yeah, dude?”
“If… Alicia…”
“Yeah?”
“If… she…”
“Yeah!?”
“If she… turns out to be… untrustworthy…”
“Yeah?”
“Can I eat her?”
Buckton considered this request. It was a little unorthodox, but they were unorthodox people, and it would solve both problems… Finally he nodded. “That seems reasonable,” he said. “The moment she starts acting suspicious, go for it. Speaking of which,” he added, “I’m starved. What say we stop for a bite?”
Zick wasn’t listening anymore. He reached into his pillow and pulled out a bottle of barbecue sauce.
And the ship, oblivious to the petty issues of her passengers, ferried them on through the eternal night.
Next: Chapter Eight
