The Battle of Lds Missionaries
By C. Randall Nicholson
Once there was a Facebook page called Lds [sic] Missionaries. Though apparently started with good intentions, it had fallen into neglect, with the admin never posting anything. Sooner or later it devolved into something that I would call a cesspool if that wasn't an insult to cesspools. It was overrun by ex-Mormons, atheists, and "Christians," trying to turn off any curious investigators or actual Latter-day Saints who happened along the page by shotgun posting dozens of things a day (this was before the "Timeline" format, so all the posts were visible). Overwhelmed LDS apologists fought to refute and counterbalance these posts. During my first semester of college in fall 2011, into this mess I waded, oblivious to what I would soon endure!
Though I was familiar with every anti-Mormon claim on this page, debating them still made me sick to my stomach with cognitive dissonance. Worse, I couldn't stop. Despite my discomfort I was quite literally addicted. For three days I spent every moment of free time on my laptop arguing with people, and whenever I left to go to class I continued to think about it and stew and not pay any attention to the lessons. It was hellish. But I learned a lot from it and made some awesome friends. I've encountered so many critics and apologists over the years that I don't remember everyone who was involved with this specific skirmish. I'll do my best.
Though I was familiar with every anti-Mormon claim on this page, debating them still made me sick to my stomach with cognitive dissonance. Worse, I couldn't stop. Despite my discomfort I was quite literally addicted. For three days I spent every moment of free time on my laptop arguing with people, and whenever I left to go to class I continued to think about it and stew and not pay any attention to the lessons. It was hellish. But I learned a lot from it and made some awesome friends. I've encountered so many critics and apologists over the years that I don't remember everyone who was involved with this specific skirmish. I'll do my best.
The Critics
Chris #1: An ex-Mormon atheist, and as arrogant and insufferable as they come. Ironically, "Chris" is probably short for "Christopher", which means "Christ bearer". If it's short for "Christian", that may be even more ironic.
Chris #2: Also an ex-Mormon, but I don't remember if he was an atheist or not, and he wasn't arrogant or insufferable. I assumed he was a jerk like the others and snapped at him when first we met, because that was what the contention was doing to my attitude. He protested and explained that he wasn't a jerk, and I had to agree with him. His story of losing a testimony he'd wanted so badly to preserve was truly one I could sympathize with after my own faith crisis. After that, I and the other apologists had some great discussions with him and tried to help rekindle his testimony, and he tried to calm down the other critics a bit.
Destry: An ex-Mormon atheist, and as arrogant and insufferable as they come; the thought crossed my mind that his picture should be in the dictionary next to a certain vulgar synonym for "creep." After putting up with just so much, I politely informed him that not wanting to be anything like him was good enough incentive to stay in the church. With patented anti-Mormon mind-reading techniques, he said he knew and sympathized that the real reason I stayed in the Church was a phenomenon called "belief perseverance." I retorted that it was actually a phenomenon called "I've heard everything you have to say, and I've researched it, and it doesn't bother me anymore."
Eric: Another ex-Mormon atheist who was notable only for being wide-eyed and bald. He compared leaving the church and having his mind liberated to learning that he could use the Matrix, except "I still can't bend spoons, though." The only remotely notable thing I remember him saying was "Here's what missionaries don't say when they give you a Book of Mormon: 'This is a history of the ancient Americas. Read it and notice the similarities with Mesoamerican history, culture, and linguistics'." Notable and also idiotic. That isn't and never will be the missionaries' calling, but I knew of a few LDS scholars who would be glad to point out such similarities until the cows come home.
Happy Ex-Mormon: A Unitarian Universalist who was so respectful that I wouldn't have banned her from the page even if I could have. I don't know the details, but apparently she had a bad experience, maybe even with Mormons, that made her feel unsafe using her real identity. I felt inspired to make my own page called "Happy Mormon" but then she thought I was mocking her and had a breakdown. Feeling genuinely sorry and sympathetic, I chatted with her and straightened things out. By the end she presented me with an emoticon chalice (I don't remember how she made it) as a token of goodwill (the chalice is a Unitarian symbol).
Is Mormonism Christian?: A Facebook page from the same minds (I use the term loosely) behind "Mormon and LDS Facts," which liked to post provocative questions and let the critics and apologists debate them. They seldom if ever returned to comment on their own posts, but apparently hoped instead to plant "seeds" that would blosssom into full-fledged alienation from the church. The actual result, of course, was that they demonstrated that they couldn't handle rational discussion, which was also the case on their home page where they banned everyone (including me) who got the better of them.
Jasona: An atheist or agnostic. Unlike the others, she wasn't in it to completely discredit the church, but apparently just for fun. She only took a few shots of her own and her observations tended to be a lot more intellectually valid than the standard anti-Mormon fare. I liked her.
Rick: An evangelical. Once, after he asked a sarcastic question about someone else's picture, I retorted by asking him why he had a little girl as his profile picture. He said, "Bite me. You got something against cancer survivors? If I was there you would be bleeding." I hadn't known she was a cancer survivor, but considering what a jerk he'd been I had a hard time being sorry for the mistake. Still, I apologized and asked forgiveness, and he apologized and asked forgiveness for losing his temper, and then we avoided arguing with each other for a while. This taught me that the best way to resolve contention is to cross the line and then make amends.
Ron: A mentally ill evangelical who once had a restraining order filed against him for stalking LDS college students on their way home from institute. He ran a Facebook page called "Creedal Christianity vs. the Cults," and his modus operandi both there and here was to post YouTube videos of Christian choirs and say something like "PURE WORSHIP something Mormons can't imitate." People on both sides generally ignored him. One day I copied his approach and catchphrase but instead posted this. A few people found that amusing.
Chris #2: Also an ex-Mormon, but I don't remember if he was an atheist or not, and he wasn't arrogant or insufferable. I assumed he was a jerk like the others and snapped at him when first we met, because that was what the contention was doing to my attitude. He protested and explained that he wasn't a jerk, and I had to agree with him. His story of losing a testimony he'd wanted so badly to preserve was truly one I could sympathize with after my own faith crisis. After that, I and the other apologists had some great discussions with him and tried to help rekindle his testimony, and he tried to calm down the other critics a bit.
Destry: An ex-Mormon atheist, and as arrogant and insufferable as they come; the thought crossed my mind that his picture should be in the dictionary next to a certain vulgar synonym for "creep." After putting up with just so much, I politely informed him that not wanting to be anything like him was good enough incentive to stay in the church. With patented anti-Mormon mind-reading techniques, he said he knew and sympathized that the real reason I stayed in the Church was a phenomenon called "belief perseverance." I retorted that it was actually a phenomenon called "I've heard everything you have to say, and I've researched it, and it doesn't bother me anymore."
Eric: Another ex-Mormon atheist who was notable only for being wide-eyed and bald. He compared leaving the church and having his mind liberated to learning that he could use the Matrix, except "I still can't bend spoons, though." The only remotely notable thing I remember him saying was "Here's what missionaries don't say when they give you a Book of Mormon: 'This is a history of the ancient Americas. Read it and notice the similarities with Mesoamerican history, culture, and linguistics'." Notable and also idiotic. That isn't and never will be the missionaries' calling, but I knew of a few LDS scholars who would be glad to point out such similarities until the cows come home.
Happy Ex-Mormon: A Unitarian Universalist who was so respectful that I wouldn't have banned her from the page even if I could have. I don't know the details, but apparently she had a bad experience, maybe even with Mormons, that made her feel unsafe using her real identity. I felt inspired to make my own page called "Happy Mormon" but then she thought I was mocking her and had a breakdown. Feeling genuinely sorry and sympathetic, I chatted with her and straightened things out. By the end she presented me with an emoticon chalice (I don't remember how she made it) as a token of goodwill (the chalice is a Unitarian symbol).
Is Mormonism Christian?: A Facebook page from the same minds (I use the term loosely) behind "Mormon and LDS Facts," which liked to post provocative questions and let the critics and apologists debate them. They seldom if ever returned to comment on their own posts, but apparently hoped instead to plant "seeds" that would blosssom into full-fledged alienation from the church. The actual result, of course, was that they demonstrated that they couldn't handle rational discussion, which was also the case on their home page where they banned everyone (including me) who got the better of them.
Jasona: An atheist or agnostic. Unlike the others, she wasn't in it to completely discredit the church, but apparently just for fun. She only took a few shots of her own and her observations tended to be a lot more intellectually valid than the standard anti-Mormon fare. I liked her.
Rick: An evangelical. Once, after he asked a sarcastic question about someone else's picture, I retorted by asking him why he had a little girl as his profile picture. He said, "Bite me. You got something against cancer survivors? If I was there you would be bleeding." I hadn't known she was a cancer survivor, but considering what a jerk he'd been I had a hard time being sorry for the mistake. Still, I apologized and asked forgiveness, and he apologized and asked forgiveness for losing his temper, and then we avoided arguing with each other for a while. This taught me that the best way to resolve contention is to cross the line and then make amends.
Ron: A mentally ill evangelical who once had a restraining order filed against him for stalking LDS college students on their way home from institute. He ran a Facebook page called "Creedal Christianity vs. the Cults," and his modus operandi both there and here was to post YouTube videos of Christian choirs and say something like "PURE WORSHIP something Mormons can't imitate." People on both sides generally ignored him. One day I copied his approach and catchphrase but instead posted this. A few people found that amusing.
The Apologists
Dakota: One of the most brilliant guys I've ever met. Come to find out, he wasn't even a member at the time this was all going on, but he'd done some serious studying and knew more than a BYU professor of religion. Our friendship got off to a bit of a rough start when one of the trolls complained about me calling him a troll, and then Dakota tried to assuage everybody's ruffled feathers and gently suggested that I hadn't meant to use an offensive term. Since the spirit of contention had me in such a crappy mood, I angrily explained that "troll"wasn't an offensive term, it was just accurate. Fortunately anger doesn't always carry through in text, so we were able to get along swimmingly after I came to my senses. His testimony is here.
Jasona: Yes, the same Jasona. She often pointed out the hypocrisy and stupidity of the anti-Mormon arguments, further demonstrating that she was not your typical atheist who thinks any argument is valid if it makes religion look bad. I really liked her. We became friends. It was really shocking to find out over a year later that she was a fake profile who had been stealing her pictures from some real girl. I don't know what she was up to, but so help me, I still like her.
Molly: Was so sweet and pretty that nobody could possibly get mad at her. Fortunately she didn't hang around as much as some others, or she would have become bitter and ugly before her time. She just had a way of saying succinct wise things at just the right moments.
StinkyPete: A grandmother and convert from Catholicism, posting under this anonymous profile with Dug the dog from Disney's "Up" as her picture. She was a calming influence who tried to speak reasonably with both sides and ameliorate the contention. Sadly, it was very distressing for her and made her feel uncomfortable for a long time afterward, disillusioned by seeing some of the hate in the world.
Timothy: Spent some time as an apostate himself, then returned to the church and became an apologist. When someone posted a list of "Things the Missionaries Don't Tell Investigators," he was ready to retort with a list of "Things Evangelicals Don't Talk About." Alas, he'd wasted his time, because the original poster was an atheist.
Weston: Tried to diffuse the tension and end the arguments by shotgun posting jokes and non sequitirs. He got a few others, including me, to join in and it actually worked for a while. The critics continued to post but their zeal seemed to have gone out of it, perhaps because they were beginning to realize exactly how seriously we didn't take them.
Jasona: Yes, the same Jasona. She often pointed out the hypocrisy and stupidity of the anti-Mormon arguments, further demonstrating that she was not your typical atheist who thinks any argument is valid if it makes religion look bad. I really liked her. We became friends. It was really shocking to find out over a year later that she was a fake profile who had been stealing her pictures from some real girl. I don't know what she was up to, but so help me, I still like her.
Molly: Was so sweet and pretty that nobody could possibly get mad at her. Fortunately she didn't hang around as much as some others, or she would have become bitter and ugly before her time. She just had a way of saying succinct wise things at just the right moments.
StinkyPete: A grandmother and convert from Catholicism, posting under this anonymous profile with Dug the dog from Disney's "Up" as her picture. She was a calming influence who tried to speak reasonably with both sides and ameliorate the contention. Sadly, it was very distressing for her and made her feel uncomfortable for a long time afterward, disillusioned by seeing some of the hate in the world.
Timothy: Spent some time as an apostate himself, then returned to the church and became an apologist. When someone posted a list of "Things the Missionaries Don't Tell Investigators," he was ready to retort with a list of "Things Evangelicals Don't Talk About." Alas, he'd wasted his time, because the original poster was an atheist.
Weston: Tried to diffuse the tension and end the arguments by shotgun posting jokes and non sequitirs. He got a few others, including me, to join in and it actually worked for a while. The critics continued to post but their zeal seemed to have gone out of it, perhaps because they were beginning to realize exactly how seriously we didn't take them.
The Resolution
At the end of the three days, I got on as usual and found that the page had disappeared. Apparently the powers that be at Facebook had been informed that it was a duplicate page and no one was running it, though the link would remain in my browsing history indefinitely no matter how many times I deleted my cookies, as if to leave me with a permanent reminder. I praised the Lord for delivering me from its grasp and resolved to find a healthier balance of activities in the future. I'm still working on that. And since I left the church over a decade later, I guess the whole thing was a wasted effort.
