How to Lose a Friend
By C. Randall Nicholson
While I was visiting my ThetaHealer, Dawna Campbell, she told me she saw a vision of a girl I would meet who would become very influential in my life. She saw us standing together, but our backs were to her, so she could only describe the girl's height and the length and color of her hair. I was very curious to find out who this girl might be. On a completely unrelated note, let me tell you about one of the best friends I ever had. The first time I noticed Kami was shortly before Christmas 2012. She was practicing in the ward choir while I watched. I was so tired from having insomnia all the time that I didn't realize I was staring at her until she noticed and looked away, visibly shaken. "Well," I thought, "looks like I've burned that bridge. Guess I'll never be talking to her."
I couldn't have been more wrong. Less than a month later I got to know her and started confiding in her about her roommate that I had a crush on, and then about many other things as well. I soon lost interest in said crush and began talking to Kami for her own sake, which was probably a relief for her as she hadn't known whether I was just using her as an intermediate step for my own infatuated ends.
Kami was the most generous and understanding person I could imagine. She gave me rides to church nearly every week, and sometimes, at a moment's notice, to other places like the campus library or the dentist's office or home from shopping. When she knew I was feeling down she would either stay in my driveway or keep driving around town, for anywhere from ten minutes to an hour, and give me consolation and encouragement. She also sent me several uplifting text messages. We went for walks and talked about all sorts of things, we went to the institute's "Religion in Life" devotional together nearly every Friday, and we went to a movie and a Polynesian cultural dance performance. When I was sick, she brought me cough drops and a coloring book. One night as she was driving me around, for no apparent reason she took me to 7-Eleven and bought me hot chocolate. She did all these things with a smile.
I couldn't have been more wrong. Less than a month later I got to know her and started confiding in her about her roommate that I had a crush on, and then about many other things as well. I soon lost interest in said crush and began talking to Kami for her own sake, which was probably a relief for her as she hadn't known whether I was just using her as an intermediate step for my own infatuated ends.
Kami was the most generous and understanding person I could imagine. She gave me rides to church nearly every week, and sometimes, at a moment's notice, to other places like the campus library or the dentist's office or home from shopping. When she knew I was feeling down she would either stay in my driveway or keep driving around town, for anywhere from ten minutes to an hour, and give me consolation and encouragement. She also sent me several uplifting text messages. We went for walks and talked about all sorts of things, we went to the institute's "Religion in Life" devotional together nearly every Friday, and we went to a movie and a Polynesian cultural dance performance. When I was sick, she brought me cough drops and a coloring book. One night as she was driving me around, for no apparent reason she took me to 7-Eleven and bought me hot chocolate. She did all these things with a smile.
It seemed that every guy in our ward liked Kami, and the bishop referred to her multiple times as an "angel". I didn't doubt it. She's the kind of person I think of when we speak of "receiving Christ's image in your countenance". She's the kind of person I think of when I read C.S. Lewis saying that God will make someone "into a god or goddess, dazzling, radiant, immortal creature, pulsating all through with such energy and joy, and wisdom and love as we cannot now imagine." (For these purposes I ignore the fact that the hypothetical "someone" he referred to was "the feeblest and filthiest of us".) To be in her presence was to be humbled, yet uplifted at the same time.
We were comfortable together - she told me she was comfortable around me, and I know I was comfortable around her. There was none of the anxiety or tension that accompanied my relationship with any other female (or male, for that matter). When we were at a Valentine's ward activity eating dinner with our wrists tied together, and had to move a Lifesaver from a toothpick between her teeth to one between mine, I was comfortable. I didn't even freak out about her getting such a close look at my gross face. Clearly, then, this was a meaningful friendship, and it had done more for me and my development than the efforts of everyone else I'd ever met combined. It was perfect. And I still managed to ruin it.
I've lost a few friendships over the years, ranging from acquaintances who unfriend me on Facebook instead of discussing what their problem is with me, to closer friends who are alienated by my personality or my views or whatever. I've gotten used to it. But losing Kami was one of the most traumatic instances, and almost shattered my hope of ever having a normal and meaningful life with normal and meaningful interpersonal relationships. Of course, all this time I was in the grip of addiction and being attacked by Satan, who didn't want me to serve a mission, but still I should have known better. Though our friendship was never as deep afterward, she deserves all the credit for not letting our friendship be destroyed altogether. Here's what I did wrong:
I was Needy
Kami made me feel so good when she was around, and was such a miracle worker with my problems, that I indulged myself. I spent less effort helping myself and made her my first resource whenever I was having a hard time. If she was too busy to help, I felt as if my life support had been ripped away. I became, in essence, an emotional parasite This was a natural reaction because for the most part it relieved a burden and felt good, which is only human to want. However, I should have noticed it was happening, and realized that I needed to overcome it and be a strong adult who could stand on my own two feet.
I was Paranoid
Because of my several negative experiences in the past, I was reluctant to trust even her. I didn't believe her when she told me what a great person and great friend I was. I felt that everyone around me was superior, that she would prefer their company, and that she might shun me at the soonest opportunity like so many other people had done. This was wrong. I was trying to spare myself the worst of the pain in such an eventuality, but in so doing I treated her with suspicion and mistrust, and that was completely unfair to such a wonderful human being. It may have even brought me more pain than it could have prevented, because it made me depressed and fearful whenever she devoted her attention to another person or even just chose to sit by someone else.
I was Selfish
Make no mistake, I felt and expressed gratitude for everything she did for me, and I tried very hard to get her to open up about her own problems so I could return the favor in some small measure. But there were times when I craved her long talks and emotional healing, and I would essentially try to invite her to a pity party. This practice developed after a few months and she noticed it happening before I did. She had no patience for it and called me out every time, and I admired her for that even as I berated my own immaturity.
I was Oblivious
I may have overestimated our closeness - or I may not, I don't know. The thing is, I don't socialize much and most people that I consider "friends" are really what is more commonly known as "acquaintances", so anything deeper seems really meaningful. Don't get me wrong, I never thought she was interested in me as more than a friend, but I thought we were really close And as I said, maybe we were. I still don't understand.
Partly because I'm autistic and partly because Kami had been hiding emotions for her whole life, I didn't realize what was going through her mind and heart. I didn't know that my neediness and paranoia and selfishness were emotionally draining for her and made me unpleasant to be around. I didn't even realize that our long talks about deep emotional issues were draining for her as well, because I'd always found them so therapeutic. And I think a small portion of the fault in this instance lies with her for not having communicated these things to me, but I know she worried about hurting my feelings and exacerbating my problems. When I finally pushed her to the breaking point and she told me everything that was wrong with me, I was devastated, but I knew that in the long run it would be for my benefit.
I was Rude
My comfort level with Kami, when coupled with my selfishness and paranoia, had a dark side. At some point I began rasing my voice or sending angry texts whenever I irrationally felt that she was blowing me off, and on a couple of occasions I swore. She would rebuke me, I would steam for a while, and then I would swallow my pride and apologize and she would forgive me. Her forgiveness was total - she allowed us to move on as if nothing had ever happened - but there was a dark side to that, too. Because of it I remained oblivious and began to take our friendship for granted. I didn't realize how much she cared about me or, by extension, how much it hurt her when I mistreated her, and that I made her feel like she had to be perfect or I would attack her. I weep to think that I ever caused her to feel that way, when in actuality I haven't noticed and don't care about her imperfections. I loved her the way she was.
Even before I'd pushed her to the breaking point I realized that I needed to do something more to make amends than just apologize all the time, but what? Yellow roses, suggested a friend. They symbolized apology and wouldn't have any awkward romantic overtones. So I went and bought a dozen of them in a vase, with some small pink flowers nestled in for extra decoration (the lady gave me a discount and I don't know why, but maybe she could see how badly I needed them), and carried them ten blocks home because I don't have a car. I knew they wouldn't magically make everything okay, but I hoped that the symbolism involved would convey my sincere regret and desire to make amends. I don't know how well it worked. I don't know how much emotional damage she still felt, or still feels, because of me. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for hurting her to begin with.
She was Forgiving
I got so desperate to preserve our friendship, which I knew because of me was on a one-way trip to destruction, that I sought a priesthood blessing. It was very enlightening. It said that Kami wanted to be a good friend, and blessed me that I would be able to understand where she was coming from and the struggles she had in her life. For a few stressful days none of that seemed to happen and the situation continued to deteriorate. But then, like a series of lightbulbs, little flashes of enlightenment from here and there all came together, and I saw even more things that I'd been doing wrong. Sometimes I felt optimistic about the future and sometimes I despaired of things ever being okay, but I trusted God's promises and that I would see them coming to fruition in their own time.
The only reason I didn't lose Kami's friendship altogether is because of Kami. She's so many light-years ahead of me in maturity and wisdom and compassion that she kept giving me more chances no matter how little I deserved them. She doesn't really like spending time alone with me anymore, but neither is she hostile as she has the right to be. But not everyone can be as amazing as her, and even if they are, there's only so much a person can take (and that's more than they should be expected to). Try emulating my example if you have a friend you want to lose. Let me know how it turns out.
I've saved a few of her most profound and uplifting text messages, and this is one of them: "That is why you are a good friend. Because despite all the negative things, you still believe in me and you pull people up. I've had so many friends who afer they see your bad side they leave and don't trust you anymore. But the good thing about you is that you keep loving. Thank you so much." When I read this, my initial reaction was, "What 'negative things'? What 'bad side'?" I didn't know what she was talking about. I still don't. But it was exactly the sentiment I felt toward her, a thousandfold.
One time another friend asked, "Why did you like Kami so much?" I was about to say, "Because she's so nice," but before I could speak, the friend continued, "She wasn't very nice to you."
I was speechless.
We were comfortable together - she told me she was comfortable around me, and I know I was comfortable around her. There was none of the anxiety or tension that accompanied my relationship with any other female (or male, for that matter). When we were at a Valentine's ward activity eating dinner with our wrists tied together, and had to move a Lifesaver from a toothpick between her teeth to one between mine, I was comfortable. I didn't even freak out about her getting such a close look at my gross face. Clearly, then, this was a meaningful friendship, and it had done more for me and my development than the efforts of everyone else I'd ever met combined. It was perfect. And I still managed to ruin it.
I've lost a few friendships over the years, ranging from acquaintances who unfriend me on Facebook instead of discussing what their problem is with me, to closer friends who are alienated by my personality or my views or whatever. I've gotten used to it. But losing Kami was one of the most traumatic instances, and almost shattered my hope of ever having a normal and meaningful life with normal and meaningful interpersonal relationships. Of course, all this time I was in the grip of addiction and being attacked by Satan, who didn't want me to serve a mission, but still I should have known better. Though our friendship was never as deep afterward, she deserves all the credit for not letting our friendship be destroyed altogether. Here's what I did wrong:
I was Needy
Kami made me feel so good when she was around, and was such a miracle worker with my problems, that I indulged myself. I spent less effort helping myself and made her my first resource whenever I was having a hard time. If she was too busy to help, I felt as if my life support had been ripped away. I became, in essence, an emotional parasite This was a natural reaction because for the most part it relieved a burden and felt good, which is only human to want. However, I should have noticed it was happening, and realized that I needed to overcome it and be a strong adult who could stand on my own two feet.
I was Paranoid
Because of my several negative experiences in the past, I was reluctant to trust even her. I didn't believe her when she told me what a great person and great friend I was. I felt that everyone around me was superior, that she would prefer their company, and that she might shun me at the soonest opportunity like so many other people had done. This was wrong. I was trying to spare myself the worst of the pain in such an eventuality, but in so doing I treated her with suspicion and mistrust, and that was completely unfair to such a wonderful human being. It may have even brought me more pain than it could have prevented, because it made me depressed and fearful whenever she devoted her attention to another person or even just chose to sit by someone else.
I was Selfish
Make no mistake, I felt and expressed gratitude for everything she did for me, and I tried very hard to get her to open up about her own problems so I could return the favor in some small measure. But there were times when I craved her long talks and emotional healing, and I would essentially try to invite her to a pity party. This practice developed after a few months and she noticed it happening before I did. She had no patience for it and called me out every time, and I admired her for that even as I berated my own immaturity.
I was Oblivious
I may have overestimated our closeness - or I may not, I don't know. The thing is, I don't socialize much and most people that I consider "friends" are really what is more commonly known as "acquaintances", so anything deeper seems really meaningful. Don't get me wrong, I never thought she was interested in me as more than a friend, but I thought we were really close And as I said, maybe we were. I still don't understand.
Partly because I'm autistic and partly because Kami had been hiding emotions for her whole life, I didn't realize what was going through her mind and heart. I didn't know that my neediness and paranoia and selfishness were emotionally draining for her and made me unpleasant to be around. I didn't even realize that our long talks about deep emotional issues were draining for her as well, because I'd always found them so therapeutic. And I think a small portion of the fault in this instance lies with her for not having communicated these things to me, but I know she worried about hurting my feelings and exacerbating my problems. When I finally pushed her to the breaking point and she told me everything that was wrong with me, I was devastated, but I knew that in the long run it would be for my benefit.
I was Rude
My comfort level with Kami, when coupled with my selfishness and paranoia, had a dark side. At some point I began rasing my voice or sending angry texts whenever I irrationally felt that she was blowing me off, and on a couple of occasions I swore. She would rebuke me, I would steam for a while, and then I would swallow my pride and apologize and she would forgive me. Her forgiveness was total - she allowed us to move on as if nothing had ever happened - but there was a dark side to that, too. Because of it I remained oblivious and began to take our friendship for granted. I didn't realize how much she cared about me or, by extension, how much it hurt her when I mistreated her, and that I made her feel like she had to be perfect or I would attack her. I weep to think that I ever caused her to feel that way, when in actuality I haven't noticed and don't care about her imperfections. I loved her the way she was.
Even before I'd pushed her to the breaking point I realized that I needed to do something more to make amends than just apologize all the time, but what? Yellow roses, suggested a friend. They symbolized apology and wouldn't have any awkward romantic overtones. So I went and bought a dozen of them in a vase, with some small pink flowers nestled in for extra decoration (the lady gave me a discount and I don't know why, but maybe she could see how badly I needed them), and carried them ten blocks home because I don't have a car. I knew they wouldn't magically make everything okay, but I hoped that the symbolism involved would convey my sincere regret and desire to make amends. I don't know how well it worked. I don't know how much emotional damage she still felt, or still feels, because of me. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for hurting her to begin with.
She was Forgiving
I got so desperate to preserve our friendship, which I knew because of me was on a one-way trip to destruction, that I sought a priesthood blessing. It was very enlightening. It said that Kami wanted to be a good friend, and blessed me that I would be able to understand where she was coming from and the struggles she had in her life. For a few stressful days none of that seemed to happen and the situation continued to deteriorate. But then, like a series of lightbulbs, little flashes of enlightenment from here and there all came together, and I saw even more things that I'd been doing wrong. Sometimes I felt optimistic about the future and sometimes I despaired of things ever being okay, but I trusted God's promises and that I would see them coming to fruition in their own time.
The only reason I didn't lose Kami's friendship altogether is because of Kami. She's so many light-years ahead of me in maturity and wisdom and compassion that she kept giving me more chances no matter how little I deserved them. She doesn't really like spending time alone with me anymore, but neither is she hostile as she has the right to be. But not everyone can be as amazing as her, and even if they are, there's only so much a person can take (and that's more than they should be expected to). Try emulating my example if you have a friend you want to lose. Let me know how it turns out.
I've saved a few of her most profound and uplifting text messages, and this is one of them: "That is why you are a good friend. Because despite all the negative things, you still believe in me and you pull people up. I've had so many friends who afer they see your bad side they leave and don't trust you anymore. But the good thing about you is that you keep loving. Thank you so much." When I read this, my initial reaction was, "What 'negative things'? What 'bad side'?" I didn't know what she was talking about. I still don't. But it was exactly the sentiment I felt toward her, a thousandfold.
One time another friend asked, "Why did you like Kami so much?" I was about to say, "Because she's so nice," but before I could speak, the friend continued, "She wasn't very nice to you."
I was speechless.
