I wrote this sometime circa May 2013. I was still figuring out the whole "dating" thing, and decided I should write down what I had figured out so far. The bishop never actually asked me to do it and I don't really have an Uncle Bill, but the rest is pretty much accurate.
Dating Seminar
By C. Randall Nicholson
Good morning, brothers and sisters. As you can probably gather, the bishop asked me to speak today at this dating seminar thing. I take back what I said about him being a nice man.
Kidding, kidding. I actually like speaking up here. After a while I get used to the terror, and I couldn't ask for a better audience. Now, I heard most of you really enjoyed my testimony. If so, your expectations are probably high and you're probably in for a disappointment.
I don't date, myself, so I guess this is God's way of dropping a pretty strong hint about that. But look, I know it's like a commandment or something, but President Monson has also said never to make women cry. So I find myself in Adam and Eve's position of having to choose which commandment to follow, and I choose not to multiply and replenish the Earth. Besides, I have no money and no car.
So how does a date begin? Well, generally speaking, it happens when one person asks another person to go to a restaurant or a dance or a movie or a cockfight or something. Traditionally this first person is a boy and the second is a girl. Nowadays sometimes they're both boys or both girls, but we won't get into that. I just want to say that I think we can throw this tradition out the window. It belongs in the dark ages along with not letting women vote. Did you know some German scientist once said that if women could vote they would evolve to have facial hair and get bald?
I'm not calling for a role reversal here, but rather an equalization. See, this tradition we have isn't fair to either sex. The boys say "Oh, what if she says no? What if she says yes and it goes terribly? My stomach hurts." And the girls say "Why won't he ask me out? I keep dropping all these hints and he doesn't even know I exist. I'm going to cry." Obviously this isn't a widespread enough problem to stop the human race from perpetuating itself, but sometimes you have to wonder.
So I propose that anyone who wants to go on a date should be the one to ask someone to go with them. Girls can share the pain of rejection and boys can share the pain of being ignored, and both types of pain will cancel each other out like when you dig your fingernails into a mosquito bite and it feels good. And finally we will have equality.
"But," you may ask, as well you should, "what about chivalry?" Hey, I'm all for chivalry. My only concern is that some uber-feminist girls really don't like it, so you have to be careful. But I think here is an instance where equality can take a flying leap. I'm not one of those "every woman is a goddess" idiots, but let's be serious, we all know that most women are superior to most men. They deserve special treatment. And if a guy acts chivalrous to a girl who doesn't actually deserve it, then he gets blessings and she gets hot coals on her head, like in the Bible.
That happened to me one time. I pulled out chairs for a couple of girls and they said "Thank you" all sweet like and sat down and immediately began whispering and giggling about this mentally handicapped guy. Not me, a different one. Well, I wanted to yank those chairs right back out from under them and let them break their tailbones, but my kindness is just going to make them look even worse at the judgment seat someday. Which, now that I think of it, isn't really kind of me after all.
But I'm getting ahead of myself here. How do you increase your odds of getting people to go out with you? It helps if you have a nice car and a few dollops of charisma. Barring that, if you're really pathetic like me they might say yes out of pity, and that just goes to show you've chosen a nice person. Guys, you should be an RM or have a darn good reason why not. Any of your other sins are no one else's business and not to be judged, but not being an RM could completely jeopardize your chances with a decent LDS lady.
If someone asks you out, you should say yes unless they're really immature or have really low moral standards or make you really uncomfortable. I mean, so uncomfortable that you're worried for your safety. If they're just creepy than the problem probably lies with you for being judgmental and shallow, but alas, better safe than sorry in this world we live in. My lady friend in Mexico once asked me to pretend to be her boyfriend on Facebook so this creepy guy at work would stop asking her out. I agreed, and my lady friend in Ecuador got pissed at us. I'll tell the whole story some other time.
So anyway, let's say you ask a person out, and hopefully they say yes, and if you're the guy then you're going to treat the girl chivalrously. And hopefully she deserves it, because hopefully you have high standards and you're asking out nice girls instead of just being shallow and choosing the hot ones. On that note, what is “hotness”, and what is true beauty, and which is preferable? Sometimes they say “modest is hottest” and sometimes they say they want to be "beautiful, not hot". I'm getting mixed messages here.
So, you go on this date. What to do? What to talk about? For starters, I guess you should open up with what is known as "small talk". Gah, how I despise small talk. I'd rather stare at a blank wall than make small talk. I don't care what your major is or where you're from or how many siblings you have. I want to know your views on politics, spirituality, culture, life, the universe, and everything. That's another reason why I don't date.
Don't talk about inappropriate things, because inappropriate words can lead to inappropriate actions. Don't talk about boring things, except for small talk. Don't talk about other people's personal business, because it's none of yours.
Generally the girl should do two-thirds or three-quarters of the talking, I forget which. Less than that and the guy is too self-centered; more and he's too boring. Women's brains actually release hormones that make them happy when they talk, which explains a lot, so this is one way to help keep them satisfied with the date.
And while she's talking, guys, listen! Listening is not only polite and stuff, but it also makes them even happier. One time I was with some friends, and there was this girl talking, and I didn't participate in the conversation but I listened. Then I ended up alone with her on another occasion, and I repeated back some of the stuff she'd said. She was very impressed. But I was thinking, "Well, come on, it's not every day that you meet a girl from France who watches people die for a living." It wasn't so bad in context, I promise.
She even went on to say, at the conclusion of our conversation, "You seem like a nice guy. I hope to see you again." And I was just like, woah. My brain was so frazzled by that unexpected statement that I didn't think to ask the important question; namely, whether she needed a mental hospital or drug rehab.
Oh, and girls, you should listen too, probably. I'm just guessing on that one. Maybe some guy asked you out and you said yes out of pity, so you don't actually like him and you don't actually care what he has to say. Listen anyway, out of pity. And next time ask someone out yourself.
Here's the exception. If you're watching a movie, in a theater, then neither of you should talk. Some of us watch movies to escape from the cruel world we live in and don't appreciate being dragged back into it by a couple of idiots pointing out all the plot holes and what other movies the actors were in and what's probably going to happen next. Watch the movie and talk about it afterward. If you're alone in the theater, though, knock yourself out. But no cell phones.
On that note, don't text during a date, ever. It's very rude. Actually, don't text when you're with other people at all. And don't flirt with other people or make goo-goo eyes at them. Unless you're trying to be hard-to-get and make your date jealous, but if that backfires don't come crying to me.
Um - what else? Don't do anything naughty. Don't have sex or engage in passionate kissing or inappropriate touching. Respect each other. Keep your standards. Ladies, if the guy gets too fresh with you, kick him in the solar plexus. It's less unsporting than that other location but still gets the message across. Be careful about using pepper spray, because sometimes it blows back in your own face.
We all know the ultimate objective of dating is marriage. Personally, spending eternity with another person is my idea of hell, but I realize I am in the minority there. So if you want to get married, basically just follow the Spirit and look for people who make good friends, because good friends make good spouses. Be really careful that they won't turn into jerks as soon as you tie the knot. For more advice, consult my Uncle Bill. He's an expert on getting married. He's done it four or five times.
One final piece of advice: if you're in a restaurant and you spill soda on yourself, say "Drinks are on me!" I got that from a Casper the Friendly Ghost movie, the one with Shelley Duvall and Wendy the Good Little Witch, and I tried it during a youth conference or something once and the ladies thought it was hilarious. Since you're getting the idea from me, unless you've seen that movie, I would appreciate receiving a small royalty each time you use it. Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back.
I hope you enjoyed my presentation, and that it was enough to ensure I'll never be asked to speak here again. Thank you.
Read more of my essays here.
Kidding, kidding. I actually like speaking up here. After a while I get used to the terror, and I couldn't ask for a better audience. Now, I heard most of you really enjoyed my testimony. If so, your expectations are probably high and you're probably in for a disappointment.
I don't date, myself, so I guess this is God's way of dropping a pretty strong hint about that. But look, I know it's like a commandment or something, but President Monson has also said never to make women cry. So I find myself in Adam and Eve's position of having to choose which commandment to follow, and I choose not to multiply and replenish the Earth. Besides, I have no money and no car.
So how does a date begin? Well, generally speaking, it happens when one person asks another person to go to a restaurant or a dance or a movie or a cockfight or something. Traditionally this first person is a boy and the second is a girl. Nowadays sometimes they're both boys or both girls, but we won't get into that. I just want to say that I think we can throw this tradition out the window. It belongs in the dark ages along with not letting women vote. Did you know some German scientist once said that if women could vote they would evolve to have facial hair and get bald?
I'm not calling for a role reversal here, but rather an equalization. See, this tradition we have isn't fair to either sex. The boys say "Oh, what if she says no? What if she says yes and it goes terribly? My stomach hurts." And the girls say "Why won't he ask me out? I keep dropping all these hints and he doesn't even know I exist. I'm going to cry." Obviously this isn't a widespread enough problem to stop the human race from perpetuating itself, but sometimes you have to wonder.
So I propose that anyone who wants to go on a date should be the one to ask someone to go with them. Girls can share the pain of rejection and boys can share the pain of being ignored, and both types of pain will cancel each other out like when you dig your fingernails into a mosquito bite and it feels good. And finally we will have equality.
"But," you may ask, as well you should, "what about chivalry?" Hey, I'm all for chivalry. My only concern is that some uber-feminist girls really don't like it, so you have to be careful. But I think here is an instance where equality can take a flying leap. I'm not one of those "every woman is a goddess" idiots, but let's be serious, we all know that most women are superior to most men. They deserve special treatment. And if a guy acts chivalrous to a girl who doesn't actually deserve it, then he gets blessings and she gets hot coals on her head, like in the Bible.
That happened to me one time. I pulled out chairs for a couple of girls and they said "Thank you" all sweet like and sat down and immediately began whispering and giggling about this mentally handicapped guy. Not me, a different one. Well, I wanted to yank those chairs right back out from under them and let them break their tailbones, but my kindness is just going to make them look even worse at the judgment seat someday. Which, now that I think of it, isn't really kind of me after all.
But I'm getting ahead of myself here. How do you increase your odds of getting people to go out with you? It helps if you have a nice car and a few dollops of charisma. Barring that, if you're really pathetic like me they might say yes out of pity, and that just goes to show you've chosen a nice person. Guys, you should be an RM or have a darn good reason why not. Any of your other sins are no one else's business and not to be judged, but not being an RM could completely jeopardize your chances with a decent LDS lady.
If someone asks you out, you should say yes unless they're really immature or have really low moral standards or make you really uncomfortable. I mean, so uncomfortable that you're worried for your safety. If they're just creepy than the problem probably lies with you for being judgmental and shallow, but alas, better safe than sorry in this world we live in. My lady friend in Mexico once asked me to pretend to be her boyfriend on Facebook so this creepy guy at work would stop asking her out. I agreed, and my lady friend in Ecuador got pissed at us. I'll tell the whole story some other time.
So anyway, let's say you ask a person out, and hopefully they say yes, and if you're the guy then you're going to treat the girl chivalrously. And hopefully she deserves it, because hopefully you have high standards and you're asking out nice girls instead of just being shallow and choosing the hot ones. On that note, what is “hotness”, and what is true beauty, and which is preferable? Sometimes they say “modest is hottest” and sometimes they say they want to be "beautiful, not hot". I'm getting mixed messages here.
So, you go on this date. What to do? What to talk about? For starters, I guess you should open up with what is known as "small talk". Gah, how I despise small talk. I'd rather stare at a blank wall than make small talk. I don't care what your major is or where you're from or how many siblings you have. I want to know your views on politics, spirituality, culture, life, the universe, and everything. That's another reason why I don't date.
Don't talk about inappropriate things, because inappropriate words can lead to inappropriate actions. Don't talk about boring things, except for small talk. Don't talk about other people's personal business, because it's none of yours.
Generally the girl should do two-thirds or three-quarters of the talking, I forget which. Less than that and the guy is too self-centered; more and he's too boring. Women's brains actually release hormones that make them happy when they talk, which explains a lot, so this is one way to help keep them satisfied with the date.
And while she's talking, guys, listen! Listening is not only polite and stuff, but it also makes them even happier. One time I was with some friends, and there was this girl talking, and I didn't participate in the conversation but I listened. Then I ended up alone with her on another occasion, and I repeated back some of the stuff she'd said. She was very impressed. But I was thinking, "Well, come on, it's not every day that you meet a girl from France who watches people die for a living." It wasn't so bad in context, I promise.
She even went on to say, at the conclusion of our conversation, "You seem like a nice guy. I hope to see you again." And I was just like, woah. My brain was so frazzled by that unexpected statement that I didn't think to ask the important question; namely, whether she needed a mental hospital or drug rehab.
Oh, and girls, you should listen too, probably. I'm just guessing on that one. Maybe some guy asked you out and you said yes out of pity, so you don't actually like him and you don't actually care what he has to say. Listen anyway, out of pity. And next time ask someone out yourself.
Here's the exception. If you're watching a movie, in a theater, then neither of you should talk. Some of us watch movies to escape from the cruel world we live in and don't appreciate being dragged back into it by a couple of idiots pointing out all the plot holes and what other movies the actors were in and what's probably going to happen next. Watch the movie and talk about it afterward. If you're alone in the theater, though, knock yourself out. But no cell phones.
On that note, don't text during a date, ever. It's very rude. Actually, don't text when you're with other people at all. And don't flirt with other people or make goo-goo eyes at them. Unless you're trying to be hard-to-get and make your date jealous, but if that backfires don't come crying to me.
Um - what else? Don't do anything naughty. Don't have sex or engage in passionate kissing or inappropriate touching. Respect each other. Keep your standards. Ladies, if the guy gets too fresh with you, kick him in the solar plexus. It's less unsporting than that other location but still gets the message across. Be careful about using pepper spray, because sometimes it blows back in your own face.
We all know the ultimate objective of dating is marriage. Personally, spending eternity with another person is my idea of hell, but I realize I am in the minority there. So if you want to get married, basically just follow the Spirit and look for people who make good friends, because good friends make good spouses. Be really careful that they won't turn into jerks as soon as you tie the knot. For more advice, consult my Uncle Bill. He's an expert on getting married. He's done it four or five times.
One final piece of advice: if you're in a restaurant and you spill soda on yourself, say "Drinks are on me!" I got that from a Casper the Friendly Ghost movie, the one with Shelley Duvall and Wendy the Good Little Witch, and I tried it during a youth conference or something once and the ladies thought it was hilarious. Since you're getting the idea from me, unless you've seen that movie, I would appreciate receiving a small royalty each time you use it. Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back.
I hope you enjoyed my presentation, and that it was enough to ensure I'll never be asked to speak here again. Thank you.
Read more of my essays here.
