Songs by C. Randall Nicholson
I really admire anyone who can come up with an original melody, because for me that's like trying to visualize a new color. So for a few years in middle school after a friend introduced me to "Weird Al" Yankovic, I tried to take a page out of his songbook and write parodies. Yeah, good thing I didn't have a day job to quit.
The Egypt Song
Written in sixth grade on the back of a November 2004 school calendar. I don't remember, but it may have been intentional that I left out any references to God in the Bible stories included in the song, because I still had mixed feelings about the Church at that time.
(Refrain - to the tune of "The Streets of Cairo, or the Poor Little Country Maid")
Long ago, in a land far far away,
There's a place called Egypt where it's not much fun to stay.
There's a river called the Nile and a Pharaoh for a king
And a lot of freakin' sand dunes that get into everything
There was a little dude named Tut
Who stuck the country in a rut.
He became the Pharaoh, a man divine,
And that's when he was only nine.
Tut did his best, we all must say,
Though in a rather sloppy way.
He did a good job with his Queen,
But then he died at age eighteen.
(Refrain)
The king of Egypt had a dream.
His brain had problems, it would seem;
Seven cows and seven corns
Eaten by the sickly hordes.
He needed help, and help he got.
The Prophet Joseph said, "A drought
Will come upon you in seven years
Save cows and corn - all the ears!"
(Refrain)
The new guy had some Hebrew slaves,
Who worked all day to build their graves.
This Moses dude killed a slave master.
He did that fast; he got out faster.
Some years later he came back,
And said, "Hey, cut us all some slack."
They all escaped and ran away
To the Promised Land, where they could stay.
(Refrain)
Go Hatsheput, she's our man,
If she can't do it, no one can!
When her man died, she took his place.
She got a beard; disguised her face.
Unlike any Pharaoh before,
She favored peace and hated war.
That's why we love her to this day;
She ruled the Egyptian tomboy way.
(Refrain)
(Refrain - to the tune of "The Streets of Cairo, or the Poor Little Country Maid")
Long ago, in a land far far away,
There's a place called Egypt where it's not much fun to stay.
There's a river called the Nile and a Pharaoh for a king
And a lot of freakin' sand dunes that get into everything
There was a little dude named Tut
Who stuck the country in a rut.
He became the Pharaoh, a man divine,
And that's when he was only nine.
Tut did his best, we all must say,
Though in a rather sloppy way.
He did a good job with his Queen,
But then he died at age eighteen.
(Refrain)
The king of Egypt had a dream.
His brain had problems, it would seem;
Seven cows and seven corns
Eaten by the sickly hordes.
He needed help, and help he got.
The Prophet Joseph said, "A drought
Will come upon you in seven years
Save cows and corn - all the ears!"
(Refrain)
The new guy had some Hebrew slaves,
Who worked all day to build their graves.
This Moses dude killed a slave master.
He did that fast; he got out faster.
Some years later he came back,
And said, "Hey, cut us all some slack."
They all escaped and ran away
To the Promised Land, where they could stay.
(Refrain)
Go Hatsheput, she's our man,
If she can't do it, no one can!
When her man died, she took his place.
She got a beard; disguised her face.
Unlike any Pharaoh before,
She favored peace and hated war.
That's why we love her to this day;
She ruled the Egyptian tomboy way.
(Refrain)
Chocoholic with Arachnophobia
Sixth grade. Not finished. What a pity.
I just ain't got the courage to turn the other cheek,
I ain't sharing this household with those eight-legged freaks.
They munch on my Hershey's, they nibble my Reese's,
Wish I had the courage to smash them to pieces!
Got eight legs and eyes, and those bodies so hairy,
Just three of the things that I think make them scary!
I just ain't got the courage to turn the other cheek,
I ain't sharing this household with those eight-legged freaks.
They munch on my Hershey's, they nibble my Reese's,
Wish I had the courage to smash them to pieces!
Got eight legs and eyes, and those bodies so hairy,
Just three of the things that I think make them scary!
The Ballad of Snow White
An incomplete little ditty from sixth grade that's to the slightly modified tune of the first 22 seconds of "The Weird Al Show Theme". In other words, about as far from a "ballad" as you can get. I changed the lyrics a little because originally I had described the evil Queen as a "slut", a word which at this time I had heard but didn't actually know the meaning or connotations of. I was a very innocent child.
Ohhh… This is the story of a girl; Snow White
‘Cause she had the pale complexion of a snow on winter’s night
And her lips were as red as a purebred rose
(We should know, ‘cause her castle is right where they grows)
But her father’s wife died and he married some creep
She was green, she was mean, and she killed him in his sleep
But for some strange reason she was also a Queen,
And she had a magic mirror (quite unusual machine),
And she’d ask it, "Mirror, mirror, who’s on the wall,
Which one of us girls is the fairest one of all?
(If you don’t answer ‘me’, I’ll be sure to let you fall!"
Then she waited and she waited for what the mirror would say,
Although the answer was the same every single day,
Till that one fateful morning when the magic mirror said,
"As the fairest one of all, Snow White is now ahead."
So she called forth a hunter who lived in a tree,
And she said, "Kill my daughter but bring her heart to me!"
So the hunter went into the woods with Snow Whtie,
And when her back was turned, he pulled his arrow tight.
But he saw the look of terror on her face and he said,
"I cannot harm a hair on your pretty little head.
So I guess I’ll kill a deer and I’ll take his heart instead."
When Snow White found out that her stepmom was a wicked witch,
She said, "I am not staying with that evil ugly [beep]"
So she ran way off into the woods so that she could escape,
But she soon got lost with just some little bruises and a scrape.
Snow White walked for a while till she came upon a house
And said, "This place is tiny, it reminds me of a mouse."
Some moron left the door unlocked and so she went inside
But when she saw the décor she immediately cried:
"Such a dirty rathole I don’t think I’ve ever seen!
The people here must be too oung to keep their kitchen clean!"
So she cleaned up with the animals, not knowing it would mean
That the owners
Ohhh… This is the story of a girl; Snow White
‘Cause she had the pale complexion of a snow on winter’s night
And her lips were as red as a purebred rose
(We should know, ‘cause her castle is right where they grows)
But her father’s wife died and he married some creep
She was green, she was mean, and she killed him in his sleep
But for some strange reason she was also a Queen,
And she had a magic mirror (quite unusual machine),
And she’d ask it, "Mirror, mirror, who’s on the wall,
Which one of us girls is the fairest one of all?
(If you don’t answer ‘me’, I’ll be sure to let you fall!"
Then she waited and she waited for what the mirror would say,
Although the answer was the same every single day,
Till that one fateful morning when the magic mirror said,
"As the fairest one of all, Snow White is now ahead."
So she called forth a hunter who lived in a tree,
And she said, "Kill my daughter but bring her heart to me!"
So the hunter went into the woods with Snow Whtie,
And when her back was turned, he pulled his arrow tight.
But he saw the look of terror on her face and he said,
"I cannot harm a hair on your pretty little head.
So I guess I’ll kill a deer and I’ll take his heart instead."
When Snow White found out that her stepmom was a wicked witch,
She said, "I am not staying with that evil ugly [beep]"
So she ran way off into the woods so that she could escape,
But she soon got lost with just some little bruises and a scrape.
Snow White walked for a while till she came upon a house
And said, "This place is tiny, it reminds me of a mouse."
Some moron left the door unlocked and so she went inside
But when she saw the décor she immediately cried:
"Such a dirty rathole I don’t think I’ve ever seen!
The people here must be too oung to keep their kitchen clean!"
So she cleaned up with the animals, not knowing it would mean
That the owners
Rambling
This may have been the only instance in my life when I was able to come up with an original tune. I still know it but since I can't write music the secret will die with me.
He started out in California
Just cause that's where he was born, yeah
But he didn’t get to stay
His folks dragged him away-ay-ay!
(Guitar solo)
They headed off to find Nebraska
Much too hot; they chose Alaska
Little feller caught pneumonia,
Headed back to Caaalifonia!
Now he’s
Raaamblin’, raaamblin’, rambling on his own
A babe against the world, and he’s looking for his home
Heee’s rambling…
He started off for Idaho,
And like their crops, began to grow
Went for Arizona’s open range
But didn’t have exact cha-a-ange!
Stuck on the bus for quite a while
They toured the States for three hundred miles
Jumped out the window when they reached a fork
Checked the GPS; now he’s iiin New Yooork!
Cause he’s raaamblin’, raaamblin’, rambling on his own
A kid against the world, and he’s looking for his home
Heee’s rambling…
(Longer guitar solo)
He started out in California
Just cause that's where he was born, yeah
But he didn’t get to stay
His folks dragged him away-ay-ay!
(Guitar solo)
They headed off to find Nebraska
Much too hot; they chose Alaska
Little feller caught pneumonia,
Headed back to Caaalifonia!
Now he’s
Raaamblin’, raaamblin’, rambling on his own
A babe against the world, and he’s looking for his home
Heee’s rambling…
He started off for Idaho,
And like their crops, began to grow
Went for Arizona’s open range
But didn’t have exact cha-a-ange!
Stuck on the bus for quite a while
They toured the States for three hundred miles
Jumped out the window when they reached a fork
Checked the GPS; now he’s iiin New Yooork!
Cause he’s raaamblin’, raaamblin’, rambling on his own
A kid against the world, and he’s looking for his home
Heee’s rambling…
(Longer guitar solo)
A Light at the End of the Tunnel
A song I wrote in seventh grade about how our eventual resurrection and eternal life will make everything worth it. It was inspired by my less-than-successful crush on a girl in my class (the same girl who provided the initial inspiration for Jane Padgett in my novel Space Girls).
Life is really hard at times
In fact it really sucks
There’s trial after tribulation
Then you feel like muck
People tell you, “carry on,
Keep going, never fear,”
That’s true, but what they don’t say is
Why you should persevere
Theeeeeeeeeeere’s
A light at the end of the tunnel
A rest stop after the road
A field trip after the homework
A big juicy fly after the big slimy toad
When you die your spirit leaves
I know that to be true
You’d better have been really good
Or I’d hate to be you
But if you have, and you still are,
You’ll find it’s really great
‘Cause that’s when you and all your friends
Are paid for your long wait
Theeeeeeeeeeere’s
A light at the end of the tunnel
An ambulance after the crash
A party at the top of the mountain
A bottle of lotion after the red itchy rash
Life is really hard at times
In fact it really sucks
There’s trial after tribulation
Then you feel like muck
People tell you, “carry on,
Keep going, never fear,”
That’s true, but what they don’t say is
Why you should persevere
Theeeeeeeeeeere’s
A light at the end of the tunnel
A rest stop after the road
A field trip after the homework
A big juicy fly after the big slimy toad
When you die your spirit leaves
I know that to be true
You’d better have been really good
Or I’d hate to be you
But if you have, and you still are,
You’ll find it’s really great
‘Cause that’s when you and all your friends
Are paid for your long wait
Theeeeeeeeeeere’s
A light at the end of the tunnel
An ambulance after the crash
A party at the top of the mountain
A bottle of lotion after the red itchy rash
Cherry's Song
From "The Outsiders" by S. E. Hinton, which I had to read in eighth grade. I don't think this was an assignment; I just wrote it (but didn't finish it) for fun.
Ponyboy is pretty cute
And Johnny even more so
That guy Two-Bit's just plain ripped,
And hey, check out that torso!
Now you might think I'm cheating
But my boyfriend's kinda dead.
And even when he wasn't,
He had screws loose in his head.
So anyway, although I like those guys an awful lot,
There's only one alive who can fill my heart's empty spot
His name is Dally
He's the one I desire
I said, Dally
Even though he's a liar
And a cheater, and an all-around punk
Yeah, Dally
Can't get enough of that hunk
Pony's brother's pretty hot
And Randle there is too.
Sodapop is such a doll
Main Page: Poems and Songs by C. Randall Nicholson
Ponyboy is pretty cute
And Johnny even more so
That guy Two-Bit's just plain ripped,
And hey, check out that torso!
Now you might think I'm cheating
But my boyfriend's kinda dead.
And even when he wasn't,
He had screws loose in his head.
So anyway, although I like those guys an awful lot,
There's only one alive who can fill my heart's empty spot
His name is Dally
He's the one I desire
I said, Dally
Even though he's a liar
And a cheater, and an all-around punk
Yeah, Dally
Can't get enough of that hunk
Pony's brother's pretty hot
And Randle there is too.
Sodapop is such a doll
Main Page: Poems and Songs by C. Randall Nicholson