Some Signs of Autism
Main Page: My Autistic Life
The following are some symptoms of what used to be Asperger's syndrome but is now just autism. Some call it "high-functioning" to distinguish it from original autism, but I don't like that term because it's very dismissive of the challenges and stigma people like me still face. You may recognize these symptoms in somebody you know and then you can be a decent human being instead of shunning them for being "weird" or "creepy". Not everyone has all the symptoms, and not always in the same ways as mine, and in fact the classification system for this and similar disorders is downright sloppy. It's very male-centric, too, as autism in girls and women has received very little attention and often goes undiagnosed well into adulthood. But hopefully this list will give you a general idea. I took this list from WebMD.com some years ago.
Where do I even start? I think that when God was downloading the "Instinctive Comprehension of Human Interaction" software into my brain He ran into some compatibility issues. On purpose, of course, because He doesn't make mistakes. Seriously, navigating a social situation is usually like walking through a minefield blindfolded, and about as much fun, and with about as high of a success rate. Beyond the Internet where I can act almost normal or at least weird in a socially acceptable way, I prefer to stick with a small circle of friends who have proven their loyalty in spite of my shortcomings. My best friend was my dog Milo. And yes, taking turns talking is virtually impossible. If I'm in a conversation with more than one other person, I say nothing or almost nothing because focusing on them both is overwhelming and I feel like no one ever pauses long enough for me to say something without cutting someone off.
Kind of. I like getting up, doing morning stuff, going to work, then coming home and doing writing stuff and whatever else is going on depending on the day of the week. I have no desire for that to change. When exciting and really wild things that don't involve a lot of social interaction with any but my closest friends come up, though, I welcome the interruption. Like watching Craig Karges blow everybody's mind, for instance. He didn't pay me to say that.
While everyone else at my EFY testimony meeting was bawling their eyes out, including the other guys, I remained stone-faced. That isn't to say that I never cry at emotional moments - Star Wars, particularly Episodes III and VI, suggests otherwise - but in general my feelings stay inside. This made it awkward when trying to comfort a friend who's bawling because her grandmother's on the brink of death. There she was pouring her heart out and I just stared, having no idea what to say and not showing much emotion at all even though I really felt for her. Eventually, desperate to let her know that I'm not really a heartless, callous wretch, I admitted, "I'm trying to decide if I should put my arm around you or not". She laughed through her tears a bit. For a moment, having this disorder was worthwhile.
There are times when I really do lack empathy on an emotional level. I can't identify very well with written accounts of human suffering, such as All But My Life and Night, which describe firsthand Gerda Weissmann and Elie Wiesel going through years of hell during the Holocaust. From a rational standpoint I read them and understood that if I had to go through such things I would kill myself or, more likely, attack my guards and let them do it for me. I understood that it was a horrible atrocity and must never be allowed to happen again. But on a deeper level, it just didn't elicit emotion. The descriptions of suffering are just so far beyond anything I've experienced that I find them abstract and impossible to wrap my mind around.
But on the other hand, I can barely think about the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki without my eyes watering. And when I think that they may have been necessary to teach the world a sobering lesson that would dissuade it from jumping into a nuclear war, I weep openly for the wickedness and folly of mankind. Some things just resonate like that for some reason. And when I read accounts of people with similar struggles, like John Elder Robison's Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger's, I feel deep sorrow and sympathy because I understand exactly what he's describing internally (though I was blessed with a much better home life).
As a child I was really bothered by metaphors like "Can I see that?" Sure, you're looking right at it, aren't you? Nowadays I generally understand and appreciate jokes, especially puns and dark humor. And sarcasm, but it really helps if someone uses a sarcastic tone of voice. If they don't I'm sometimes left wondering. My speech does often tend to be flat as far as I'm aware. Only occasionally do I become conscious of it, and then self-conscious as I try to add a tone, pitch and accent appropriate to the circumstances, with the same care that one would use to defuse a nuclear bomb. Speaking of hard to understand, though, I have this ridiculous habit of speaking quietly and then getting slightly annoyed when people ask me to repeat myself. It's an obnoxious thing to do and I'm annoyed at myself for it.
Perhaps to a certain extent. In my youth I remember a visiting sister missionary remarking on my amazing vocabulary, to which I ruined the moment by asking "what's a vocabulary?" I've certainly never used "beckon" in casual conversation, but perhaps there have been other examples. It's hard to say now that I'm more or less grown and people are expected to show some degree of literary sophistication (but often fail to do so). When I write books my characters sometimes talk like that even though I know it's unrealistic, just because I like the flow of it. I used to not use any contractions here on my website, but now I hate the way that looks and I'm trying to fix it. Sometimes I feel that many important words in the English language have been overused to the point of losing their meaning, and that I have to use hyperbole to convey the intensity of my emotions. That's just one reason why it's not a good idea for me to tell loved ones how I feel about them.
I instinctively avoid eye contact because I feel self-conscious about people looking at my face. This is obviously irrational seeing as they're far less likely to notice my dorky face if their eyes are focused on mine, and especially seeing as several girls who in spite of my hopes turned out to not really be interested in me have told me that I have gorgeous eyes, but no one ever said this was a rational disorder.
My posture usually just indicates my extreme discomfort at being in public. My facial expression ranges from nothing at all to flustered and embarrassed about being in public. Of these, the former is actually worse when interacting with people, especially friends. "Oh, she's happy to see me... and I'm happy to see her... but I don't look like I'm happy to see her. She's going to think I don't like her and then she's going to feel bad. But I can't make myself look happy because then she'll think I have a crush on her and freak out. Wow, she's still happy; is she completely oblivious to my conundrum here?"
My obsessions haven't been quite that narrow or strange so they tend more towards the "certain topics" part. They come and go in a random cycle which thus far has included: dinosaurs, Star Wars, Neopets, Zoo Tycoon, Indiana Jones, Johnny Thunder and the Adventurers, LDS temples, LDS apologetics, LDS church growth, politics, music, and my alien encyclopedia. The duration of each obsession ranges from a few weeks to half a year. The Star Wars obsessions now center around the movies and how I want to restore all the deleted scenes and add my own with as-yet-unreached technology, because the whole world of comics and novels and video games and whatnot is just too vast for me to wrap my brain around anymore. The alien encyclopedia is particularly useful as it allows me to incorporate all sci-fi under one umbrella and appreciate it at the same time.
Sometimes in middle/high school my obsession would be whatever girl I had a crush on that month. Often I wanted to talk to her but couldn't think of a non-contrived way to approach her and break the ice, so I just ended up following her around a lot. Thank God I grew out of that before I got myself arrested. (When a policewoman came to our door one day looking for someone else, I almost wet myself.) But it wasn't always bad - after high school, one girl recalled, "You used to stalk me. It was adorable. It made me feel special." (More context on that can be found here.)
While we're talking about narrow obsessions, I should add that I can rarely focus on more than one task at a time, no matter how simple the tasks are. If I'm at church walking to the closet to put my gloves away and the bishop intercepts me and starts a conversation, it completely messes my brain up. I try not to lose focus on the task at hand so I end up smiling and nodding and probably coming across as disinterested and rude. In situations where I'm expecting to be social, that becomes the task at hand and I can handle it, unless I have to converse with more than two people at once. This is why I try to take long walks alone with certain friends that I can't bond with much in public.
Actually, I guess I do have at least one narrow, strange obsession - maps. I love to look at political maps of countries and continents and just pore over the borders and cities. An atlas can entertain me for hours.
While I don't talk a lot as a general rule, it is true that when I get going on a favorite subject I don't know when to shut up, and those are the definition of one-sided conversations. Verbalizing internal thoughts is probably the largest on a list of reasons that I creep people the heck out, because I don't always instinctively know which things are just not meant to be spoken in public. The instruction manual in most peoples' brains is lacking in mine and I have to write it myself as I go through life screwing things up. I did figure out in second grade that saying you want to eat humans and blow up your school is frowned upon.
To ride a bike, yes, but that was probably due more to my recalcitrant attitude than anything. I've never been good at sports or anything requiring hand-eye coordination, and though I've improved a bit with practice anyone on my Spikeball team is still guranteed to lose. Sorry. My walk is or was indeed awkward, as my classmates helpfully pointed out, mostly because of these dang long arms that I have no idea what to do with. My handwriting is actually very good though - not quite like a girl's, but good enough that people have taken notice.
I didn't think, for a long time, that this one applied to me. Since I grew up in the middle of nowhere with a quiet family, it was only in my first semester at college that I realized how sensitive to noises I am, and the disclaimer "loud" is unnecessary. I couldn't sleep through anything - not through voices in the hall, not through my roommate turning over too roughly. It also explains why, when I'm trying to read or sleep or focus on everything, every sound hits me like nails on a chalkboard. Actually I think I have full-blown misophonia. I have to wear earplugs every night and sometimes during the day too. It works about half the time.
Perhaps if humans lived like a "natural" species this would be an advantage in detecting predators and whatnot, but since we're not, the only end result is that I haven't felt well-rested since late April 2009 (and I can't remember the last time before that). It's ridiculous and annoying and I hate it but what can you do? I'm seriously considering getting myself hypnotized so that the only things that can wake me up are an alarm in my own room, a smoke detector/carbon monoxide alarm, a scream of pain or terror, a gun shot, breaking glass, or someone shouting my name. I'm still working on this list because I'd hate for some horrible and unanticipated incident to ruin everything.
As I discovered while researching my presentation, there are also allegedly a number of Aspie traits that can endear one to the opposite sex. I'm not aware that I have any of them, but I wouldn't notice if a woman were attracted to me anyway.
The following are some symptoms of what used to be Asperger's syndrome but is now just autism. Some call it "high-functioning" to distinguish it from original autism, but I don't like that term because it's very dismissive of the challenges and stigma people like me still face. You may recognize these symptoms in somebody you know and then you can be a decent human being instead of shunning them for being "weird" or "creepy". Not everyone has all the symptoms, and not always in the same ways as mine, and in fact the classification system for this and similar disorders is downright sloppy. It's very male-centric, too, as autism in girls and women has received very little attention and often goes undiagnosed well into adulthood. But hopefully this list will give you a general idea. I took this list from WebMD.com some years ago.
- Not pick up on social cues and may lack inborn social skills, such as being able to read others' body language, start or maintain a conversation, and take turns talking.
Where do I even start? I think that when God was downloading the "Instinctive Comprehension of Human Interaction" software into my brain He ran into some compatibility issues. On purpose, of course, because He doesn't make mistakes. Seriously, navigating a social situation is usually like walking through a minefield blindfolded, and about as much fun, and with about as high of a success rate. Beyond the Internet where I can act almost normal or at least weird in a socially acceptable way, I prefer to stick with a small circle of friends who have proven their loyalty in spite of my shortcomings. My best friend was my dog Milo. And yes, taking turns talking is virtually impossible. If I'm in a conversation with more than one other person, I say nothing or almost nothing because focusing on them both is overwhelming and I feel like no one ever pauses long enough for me to say something without cutting someone off.
- Dislike any changes in routines.
Kind of. I like getting up, doing morning stuff, going to work, then coming home and doing writing stuff and whatever else is going on depending on the day of the week. I have no desire for that to change. When exciting and really wild things that don't involve a lot of social interaction with any but my closest friends come up, though, I welcome the interruption. Like watching Craig Karges blow everybody's mind, for instance. He didn't pay me to say that.
- Appear to lack empathy.
While everyone else at my EFY testimony meeting was bawling their eyes out, including the other guys, I remained stone-faced. That isn't to say that I never cry at emotional moments - Star Wars, particularly Episodes III and VI, suggests otherwise - but in general my feelings stay inside. This made it awkward when trying to comfort a friend who's bawling because her grandmother's on the brink of death. There she was pouring her heart out and I just stared, having no idea what to say and not showing much emotion at all even though I really felt for her. Eventually, desperate to let her know that I'm not really a heartless, callous wretch, I admitted, "I'm trying to decide if I should put my arm around you or not". She laughed through her tears a bit. For a moment, having this disorder was worthwhile.
There are times when I really do lack empathy on an emotional level. I can't identify very well with written accounts of human suffering, such as All But My Life and Night, which describe firsthand Gerda Weissmann and Elie Wiesel going through years of hell during the Holocaust. From a rational standpoint I read them and understood that if I had to go through such things I would kill myself or, more likely, attack my guards and let them do it for me. I understood that it was a horrible atrocity and must never be allowed to happen again. But on a deeper level, it just didn't elicit emotion. The descriptions of suffering are just so far beyond anything I've experienced that I find them abstract and impossible to wrap my mind around.
But on the other hand, I can barely think about the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki without my eyes watering. And when I think that they may have been necessary to teach the world a sobering lesson that would dissuade it from jumping into a nuclear war, I weep openly for the wickedness and folly of mankind. Some things just resonate like that for some reason. And when I read accounts of people with similar struggles, like John Elder Robison's Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger's, I feel deep sorrow and sympathy because I understand exactly what he's describing internally (though I was blessed with a much better home life).
- Be unable to recognize subtle differences in speech tone, pitch, and accent that alter the meaning of others' speech. So your child may not understand a joke or may take a sarcastic comment literally. And his or her speech may be flat and hard to understand because it lacks tone, pitch, and accent.
As a child I was really bothered by metaphors like "Can I see that?" Sure, you're looking right at it, aren't you? Nowadays I generally understand and appreciate jokes, especially puns and dark humor. And sarcasm, but it really helps if someone uses a sarcastic tone of voice. If they don't I'm sometimes left wondering. My speech does often tend to be flat as far as I'm aware. Only occasionally do I become conscious of it, and then self-conscious as I try to add a tone, pitch and accent appropriate to the circumstances, with the same care that one would use to defuse a nuclear bomb. Speaking of hard to understand, though, I have this ridiculous habit of speaking quietly and then getting slightly annoyed when people ask me to repeat myself. It's an obnoxious thing to do and I'm annoyed at myself for it.
- Have a formal style of speaking that is advanced for his or her age. For example, the child may use the word "beckon" instead of "call" or the word "return" instead of "come back".
Perhaps to a certain extent. In my youth I remember a visiting sister missionary remarking on my amazing vocabulary, to which I ruined the moment by asking "what's a vocabulary?" I've certainly never used "beckon" in casual conversation, but perhaps there have been other examples. It's hard to say now that I'm more or less grown and people are expected to show some degree of literary sophistication (but often fail to do so). When I write books my characters sometimes talk like that even though I know it's unrealistic, just because I like the flow of it. I used to not use any contractions here on my website, but now I hate the way that looks and I'm trying to fix it. Sometimes I feel that many important words in the English language have been overused to the point of losing their meaning, and that I have to use hyperbole to convey the intensity of my emotions. That's just one reason why it's not a good idea for me to tell loved ones how I feel about them.
- Avoid eye contact or stare at others.
I instinctively avoid eye contact because I feel self-conscious about people looking at my face. This is obviously irrational seeing as they're far less likely to notice my dorky face if their eyes are focused on mine, and especially seeing as several girls who in spite of my hopes turned out to not really be interested in me have told me that I have gorgeous eyes, but no one ever said this was a rational disorder.
- Have unusual facial expressions or postures.
My posture usually just indicates my extreme discomfort at being in public. My facial expression ranges from nothing at all to flustered and embarrassed about being in public. Of these, the former is actually worse when interacting with people, especially friends. "Oh, she's happy to see me... and I'm happy to see her... but I don't look like I'm happy to see her. She's going to think I don't like her and then she's going to feel bad. But I can't make myself look happy because then she'll think I have a crush on her and freak out. Wow, she's still happy; is she completely oblivious to my conundrum here?"
- Be preoccupied with only one or few interests, which he or she may be very knowledgeable about. Many children with Asperger's syndrome are overly interested in parts of a whole or in unusual activities, such as designing houses, drawing highly detailed scenes, or studying astronomy. They may show an unusual interest in certain topics such as snakes, names of stars, or dinosaurs.
My obsessions haven't been quite that narrow or strange so they tend more towards the "certain topics" part. They come and go in a random cycle which thus far has included: dinosaurs, Star Wars, Neopets, Zoo Tycoon, Indiana Jones, Johnny Thunder and the Adventurers, LDS temples, LDS apologetics, LDS church growth, politics, music, and my alien encyclopedia. The duration of each obsession ranges from a few weeks to half a year. The Star Wars obsessions now center around the movies and how I want to restore all the deleted scenes and add my own with as-yet-unreached technology, because the whole world of comics and novels and video games and whatnot is just too vast for me to wrap my brain around anymore. The alien encyclopedia is particularly useful as it allows me to incorporate all sci-fi under one umbrella and appreciate it at the same time.
Sometimes in middle/high school my obsession would be whatever girl I had a crush on that month. Often I wanted to talk to her but couldn't think of a non-contrived way to approach her and break the ice, so I just ended up following her around a lot. Thank God I grew out of that before I got myself arrested. (When a policewoman came to our door one day looking for someone else, I almost wet myself.) But it wasn't always bad - after high school, one girl recalled, "You used to stalk me. It was adorable. It made me feel special." (More context on that can be found here.)
While we're talking about narrow obsessions, I should add that I can rarely focus on more than one task at a time, no matter how simple the tasks are. If I'm at church walking to the closet to put my gloves away and the bishop intercepts me and starts a conversation, it completely messes my brain up. I try not to lose focus on the task at hand so I end up smiling and nodding and probably coming across as disinterested and rude. In situations where I'm expecting to be social, that becomes the task at hand and I can handle it, unless I have to converse with more than two people at once. This is why I try to take long walks alone with certain friends that I can't bond with much in public.
Actually, I guess I do have at least one narrow, strange obsession - maps. I love to look at political maps of countries and continents and just pore over the borders and cities. An atlas can entertain me for hours.
- Talk a lot, usually about a favorite subject. One-sided conversations are common. Internal thoughts are often verbalized.
While I don't talk a lot as a general rule, it is true that when I get going on a favorite subject I don't know when to shut up, and those are the definition of one-sided conversations. Verbalizing internal thoughts is probably the largest on a list of reasons that I creep people the heck out, because I don't always instinctively know which things are just not meant to be spoken in public. The instruction manual in most peoples' brains is lacking in mine and I have to write it myself as I go through life screwing things up. I did figure out in second grade that saying you want to eat humans and blow up your school is frowned upon.
- Have delayed motor development. Your child may be late in learning to use a fork or spoon, ride a bike, or catch a ball. He or she may have an awkward walk. Handwriting is often poor.
To ride a bike, yes, but that was probably due more to my recalcitrant attitude than anything. I've never been good at sports or anything requiring hand-eye coordination, and though I've improved a bit with practice anyone on my Spikeball team is still guranteed to lose. Sorry. My walk is or was indeed awkward, as my classmates helpfully pointed out, mostly because of these dang long arms that I have no idea what to do with. My handwriting is actually very good though - not quite like a girl's, but good enough that people have taken notice.
- Have heightened sensitivity and become overstimulated by loud noises, lights, or strong tastes or textures. For more information about these symptoms, see sensory integration dysfunction.
I didn't think, for a long time, that this one applied to me. Since I grew up in the middle of nowhere with a quiet family, it was only in my first semester at college that I realized how sensitive to noises I am, and the disclaimer "loud" is unnecessary. I couldn't sleep through anything - not through voices in the hall, not through my roommate turning over too roughly. It also explains why, when I'm trying to read or sleep or focus on everything, every sound hits me like nails on a chalkboard. Actually I think I have full-blown misophonia. I have to wear earplugs every night and sometimes during the day too. It works about half the time.
Perhaps if humans lived like a "natural" species this would be an advantage in detecting predators and whatnot, but since we're not, the only end result is that I haven't felt well-rested since late April 2009 (and I can't remember the last time before that). It's ridiculous and annoying and I hate it but what can you do? I'm seriously considering getting myself hypnotized so that the only things that can wake me up are an alarm in my own room, a smoke detector/carbon monoxide alarm, a scream of pain or terror, a gun shot, breaking glass, or someone shouting my name. I'm still working on this list because I'd hate for some horrible and unanticipated incident to ruin everything.
As I discovered while researching my presentation, there are also allegedly a number of Aspie traits that can endear one to the opposite sex. I'm not aware that I have any of them, but I wouldn't notice if a woman were attracted to me anyway.