My search engine optimization spree several months ago (shout-out to Mark Bell for the advice) appears to have finally paid off, as I am finally satisfied with the page views I'm getting. Less than a year ago I struggled to consistently break 100 and now I'm always somewhere between 300 and 2000. Sometimes I see that sometimes people who Google reasons to support the war on drugs find my page of sarcastic reasons to support the war on drugs. And sometimes people find my site, not sure specifically which page, by searching for black/African porn. If I could figure out why and replicate it on purpose, I could be getting millions of hits a day. And my review of "David and the Magic Pearl" has spiked in popularity for some reason. To my surprise, "In Defense of Pedophiles" still hasn't garnered much attention. That disappoints me because I had hoped it would be controversial enough to trick people into learning about an important topic. My little map at the bottom of the site, which is supposed to track all visitor locations but misses most of them because cookies or whatever, broke 3000 locations last month and that was exciting.

I read this article about this documentary by an Indian featuring several other Indians claiming that "The Simpsons" character Dr. Apu Nahasapeemapetilon is racist. And I don't want that to be right, because I consider "The Simpsons" to be one of the best and most clever shows ever made, but I'm forced to concede that it probably is. I'm in no position to say it's not racist when I'm not on the receiving end of it. I'll just say this, that in my particular case, I don't feel that watching Apu had any detrimental effect on how I perceive Indians or their culture. On the contrary, it seemed to me that Apu was one of the smarter people in a world of mostly doofuses. In the episode "Much Apu About Nothing", for example, we have this exchange from his test to gain American citizenship:

Examiner: All right, here's your last question. What was the cause of the Civil War?
Apu: Actually, there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between the abolitionists and the anti-abolitionists, there were economic factors, both domestic and inter...
Examiner: Wait, wait... just say slavery.
Apu: Slavery it is, sir.

Prior to reading this article I didn't realize that Apu was voiced by a white guy. That certainly factors in. I think that in an world, we could all poke lighthearted fun at each other's accents and cultures and religions without being hurtful, as we do to a limited extent now. For example, in "Prisencolinensinainciusol", Italian Adriano Celentano sang a bunch of gibberish words that sound like English in a fake American accent. It wasn't controversial, I presume, because a. both groups are predominantly white European in makeup and b. Americans have never been oppressed by Italians, so no one would worry that this imitation was symptomatic of any deep-rooted prejudice. Imitating an Indian accent can have different connotations of the skin color difference and because Indians were oppressed by British for a long time. (It looks weird to not write "the British", but I'm not talking about all British people. How come I don't have to write "the Indians" but I have to write "the British"? That's stupid.)

It's not going to happen, but if humans ever got to the point of eradicating true prejudice altogether and all such teasing became acceptable, that would be great. We could eliminate all teasing instead, but where's the fun in that? I tease my friends, I tease my favorite franchises, I tease my own religion and its culture and usually find it hilarious when others do so as well. But we're not at that point with the human race, so yes, it does sadly appear to me that Apu is more or less racist, though like I said my opinion doesn't really matter.

I read this other article about how Hollywood drastically underrepresents and marginalizes women and non-white people. I won't call them "minorities" because that's increasingly an inaccurate term. Pretty soon white people will be the minority in the US, and since I'm not a Nazi I don't have a problem with that. Naturally, the asinine comments on the article by white and/or male people trying to rationalize why this isn't a problem were depressing to read. As much as I hate sounding like an SJW, defending this status quo is privilege at its finest. But, you know, it's ridiculous for these hoity-toity scientists to suggest that sexualizing women in the media causes women to have self-esteem problems, because men get sexualized too. Like all those muscular superhero guys. That's definitely the same thing, and since everyone knows men and women are exactly the same it's inconceivable that they could be affected differently. I wish I were making this idiocy up.

Star Wars, in particular, has made great strides in this area, leading some children to gripe that even Han Solo will be a woman in his upcoming solo film. I hope that in a future day there will be no need for conscious attempts to put more diversity in movies, because it will just be happening automatically. But Disney, the Imperial ranks are exactly the wrong place for more female representation. Part of their shtick is that with very few exceptions they don't like women or aliens. Maybe the First Order is different.

​I would like to point out that I made both the protagonists in my manuscript female over seven years ago. I did this because I discovered that women, aliens, robots, and fantasy creatures were the only characters I could write with any feeling of investment and authenticity. And I never intended this as a huge feminist statement or anything, though the working title "Space Girls" may suggest otherwise. I knew there was a need for it after someone heard about them and expressed incredulity that they weren't lesbians. At one point I gender-swapped some of the characters to have more female representation, and I suppose that was a feminist statement. But most of the Earthling characters are, at least in my mind, white, and that's because I grew up surrounded by mostly white people and I'm still surrounded by mostly white people, so it was a subconscious thing and when the movie version is underway I'll make sure casting is open to people of all races.

Speaking of my manuscript, here's the latest feedback from a test reader:

Send a message like this to someone and make their day. They probably won't know what you're talking about, but I'm sure it will make their day.

Moving on to even more cheery and uplifting things. I'm grateful to know that this attitude exists, and that some of my "friends" share it, because I wasn't afraid enough of women already and this really helps with that. (I'm being sarcastic.)

In fairness, her remarks have been taken out of context. She goes on to explain "that is a price I am absolutely willing to pay". The fact that she herself isn't paying jack should hardly detract from the sincerity of these words. And of course, "[i]t's a microscopic risk in comparison to the issue at hand", which should be a source of great comfort to all the men who have lost their jobs and reputations and been incarcerated on rape convictions. It's not that you don't matter, guys, it's just that you don't matter. Because microscopic. But if you're lucky you live in a state that, after your innocence is discovered, will reimburse you less than minimum wage for the years of your life that they stole. And it really bothers me that Emily Lindin looks like Felicity Jones in this picture. I don't want the respect I hold for Felicity Jones to be tainted by mental association with this other person.

Moving on again, don't be this guy. I haven't gotten so many likes on a comment in a while.

Here's Sarah Brightman again already to ring in the Christmas season. This version of this song is the sort of thing that, given the choice, I would listen to on my deathbed while happily drifting out of consciousness surrounded by my loving and beautiful dogs. Beautiful song + beautiful voice = aural perfection.

A couple weeks ago Mackenzie was back from California where she spends most of her weekends for some reason, and I was sitting by her in church and she was wearing a funky skirt with two rings of pom-poms around it. The top leftmost pom-pom, closest to me, was badly disfigured by (I assume) all the people who had played with it. I tried to manipulate it back into its proper shape, touching only the pom-pom and that's all, but she huffed, loudly enough for the strangers in front of us to turn around, "Could you maybe not touch my skirt?"

"I was just trying to fix the pom-pom..." I said. The strangers turned back around, their interest already dissipated.

"It's not fixable," she said. And then she gave me a quizzical look. "Are you afraid of me?"

"Kind of," I said.

"Sometimes I think maybe," she said, "but then I think no, he couldn't be..."

I mumbled something. Probably "sorry". I don't remember.

"Can you understand," she continued, "how it might be kind of awkward to talk to someone who's afraid of you?"

"Yeah," I said. (Of course, the context would be completely different. As Margaret Atwood is often paraphrased, "Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them." And Mackenzie, being an ardent feminist, must be acutely aware of this.)

"What if you were afraid of them and they were afraid of you?" she went on. "Would that be easier, or would that make it worse?"

"I don't know, I guess it would depend... When I talk to awkward people, it's just twice as awkward."

"I sat by someone in Relief Society that you should talk to."

"How do you know she would be scared of me?"

"I can just tell. Let's see... that's her, in the blue dress. You don't need to like date her or anything, but I just think it would be good for you to talk to her."

"Okay...

"Go up to her and say, 'I like your dress.' And if she doesn't respond much to that, say something like 'Did you make it yourself?' And if she doesn't respond much to that, you're off the hook."

"Okay."

Alas, she slipped away before we could say anything to her. "I don't see her anywhere," Mackenzie said as she scanned the crowd. I did, but I opted not to mention it.

Later that day, at ward prayer, I said, "Do you want to know why I'm scared of you?"

"Because I'm a girl?" she guessed without missing a beat.

"No," I said. "I mean, yes, that's part of it, but not the primary part."

"It's so strange that you're scared of girls but you feel more comfortable hanging out with them than guys," she said.

"Normally, by this point, having known you for so long, I would be relaxed with you, like with Debbie -"

"You aren't scared of Debbie?"

"No. Did I seem like it?"

"Yeah."

"When was that? Was it like at the beginning of last summer, before we hung out all the time, or?"

"I don't remember, it's been so long since we were all in one spot."

"Well, anyway, the main reason I'm scared of you is that I feel like I always have to walk on eggshells to -"

"Oh, yeah," she said, waving me to not continue, "you told me about that."

"And then, yes, the other reasons are that you're a girl, that you're pretty, that you're - never mind."

"What?"

"Never mind."

"No, what?"

"I just was going to say that you're 'powerful' and stuff, for lack of a better word, but then you would think it was sexist of me to be intimidated by -"

"No, i's only sexist if you - never mind."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"How come you get to change your mind and not say things, but I have to say them anyway?"

She smiled. "Because I have the power in this relationship." ("Relationship" in the generic sense, obviously.)

"And if I tried to seize more power, and be assertive and stuff, would you push back?"

"Of course," she said. "That's how relationships work. They're a power struggle until someone comes out on top."

Lesson learned.

In the car afterward, Mackenzie asked, "Would it be all right if I criticized you?"

"You do that all the time," I said.

"No, it's more of just that we disagree," she said. (I feel like we actually agree 95% of the time, but she fixates on the other 5% instead and badgers me about it, and then as a result sometimes I play stupid and pretend to disagree just to mess with her.) "I mean, are you one of those people who would rather be told you have spinach in your teeth, or just find out on your own later?"

"I believe it's important to know the truth, even if it sucks beyond belief. If you break me into a thousand pieces, I will rebuild myself into a better me." (Not really. Broken things don't rebuild themselves.)

She laughed nervously. And we went on like that until in a very roundabout way she managed to convey what she had in mind. But that's none of your business.

One day one of my coworkers and sometimes bosses who normally doesn't work as late as me worked as late as me, and offered me a ride, and I had such a delightful time that at the next such opportunity I straight up asked her for one with no remorse for the mild inconvenience caused. What follows is my memory's best approximation of an exchange that occupied most of the journey to my house.

Her: Are you working tomorrow?

Me: Yeah. Every day...

Her: It'll be a party.

Me: Really? What's the occasion?

Her: Ummm... we're still alive and making money. That's the only occasion I can think of.

Me: But we don't know if we will be... you never know, we could crash thirty seconds from now and both die.

Her: You mean in the car, or like planets colliding?

Me: Uh... I guess either way.

Her: I don't plan on it.

Me: People usually don't.

Her: Maybe they should. Maybe we should all plan on dying and live like it.

Me: I would be such a jerk. I would tell so many people how I really feel about them.

Her: Past people, or present?

Me: Um... mostly past. I like most of my coworkers.

Her: Haha! That's good. If you have something to say to me, the door is open.

Me: Um... um... I hate... the way you do your hair. [Note: This is not true. But at the time, I was drawing for inspiration off of an Indiana Jones comic where he's being strangled to death and he thinks something to the effect of, "This is it... and I never got to tell Marion how much I... I... I hate those awful red shoes she always wears!" More about him in a bit.]

Her: Haha! What's wrong with it?

Me: It's like a crime against humanity.

Her: Haha! This is how it naturally is.

Me: Then I hate the way God does your hair.

Her: Haha! Sometimes I hate the way God does my hair too. I'll do it differently tomorrow... Anything else?

Me: I hate your clothes.

Her: Everything?

Me: Everything.

Her: A lot of times I just wear the company uniform.

Me: Well, it looks good on some people, but not you.

Her: What should I wear then?

Me: Um... a paper bag.

Her: Haha! A paper bag?

Me: I guess it would match your eyes...

Her: My eyes aren't brown.

Me: No? What are they then?

Her: They're hazel. Which is what people with brown eyes say to make themselves feel better.

Me: What's wrong with brown eyes?

Her: They're just boring...

Me: And what do you dislike about me?

Her: Chris, I don't like your height.

Me: My height? [Note: I assumed she just meant that she doesn't like that I'm taller than her because she's short.]

Her: If you were just an inch shorter, or an inch taller, it would be fine, but this height just doesn't work for you.

Me: What if I gained weight and expanded out a little, to kind of balance it, would that help?

Her: Mm, no, I don't think there's really anything you can do about it.

Me: I see... anything else?

Her: Your socks. They're just boring.

Me: Oh... well, I have some black socks with hamburgers on them.

Her: Really?? That's great!

Me: I usually wear them to church, because they're black, but I suppose I could wear them to work...

Her: You should, and you should roll your pant legs up so everybody can see them.

Me: Okay... and you know, you don't actually have to change your hair tomorrow...

Her: I was thinking about straightening it, but now I'm going to just to make you feel bad.

Me: Thanks.

Her: Of course.

So she did, and I did the sock thing, and now we're friends enough that I just go talk to her every day without needing to come up with an excuse, and I just keep insulting her. She insists that she likes being insulted as long as it's not serious, so it's okay that I'm being unkind because I'm also lying, and it makes her laugh and gives me a warm feeling. Are all humans this weird, or just Americans?

VidAngel, a company that has elicited a disproportionate amount of rage from people who can't think of anywhere better to direct it, is back for the time being and released this video about the crap in Hollywood.

I agree with most of it. Female objectification makes me sick and Ferngully scared the bejeebers out of me as a kid. I loved Jar Jar Binks, though. He was intended as a comic relief device for children and whatever you may think of him, he fulfills that role just fine. I don't think we should "protect" our children from exposure to him. And the other bit I take issue with is their aspersion on Dr. Jones' character in their criticism of "scenes where it's the good guy forcing himself on a woman", briefly showing clips from Zorro and Indiana Jones and James Bond where the alleged good guys are allegedly doing that. And in the case of Zorro and James Bond, this criticism is entirely warranted. James Bond, in fact, in his very first film (Dr. No), also set the very first precedent for a movie protagonist to shoot someone in cold blood and still be considered a "good guy", so he's just kind of a jerk in general.

But in this clip from "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom", Indy is not forcing himself on Willy Scott. In both the film and the novelization (which states this explicitly) it's quite obvious that he isn't trying very hard to reel her in and she isn't trying at all to get away. She could just shrug it off and keep walking away if she wanted to, but she doesn't. You've seen him using that bullwhip on bad guys, right? You know what it looks like when he's actually trying, right? Maybe wrapping it around her in the first place is a jerk move regardless - certainly he must have broken some hips while practicing it on other occasions - but I don't think it would be any worse than an unsolicited hug, which may be objectionable but certainly not put him in a category with those other two jerks. A much better and equally famous, albeit less visually provocative example to use would have been Han "Stop what?" Solo in "The Empire Strikes Back". The same actor, no less. And then there's every single movie where the man kisses the woman without asking permission, aka virtually every movie that has kissing at all. This problem runs deep.

Does Indiana Jones routinely flout even the 1930s' accepted standards of archaeology with reckless disregard for artifact preservation? Of course. Does he habitually break the laws of every country he travels through? Pretty much. Does he consistently leave a trail of death and destruction in his wake? More or less. Does he fail to provide the timely grading, personal mentorship, and full attention that his students deserve? Usually. Is he a rapist? No. That is all. Thank you for your attention.

In the 2012 election, I stayed up late on pins and needles and was too depressed the next morning to get out of bed. This time, I simply didn't care about the result because I knew that, barring some miracle, I would hate it. So I'm not going to stress about it. Some of Trump's outlined policies for the first one hundred days look good to me. The rest are terrifying. At least there's no anti-vaccine crap on the horizon yet. The only bright side is that in order for him to win his opponent had to lose, and with any luck her political career is over. His never should have started. Obviously I didn't know what I was talking about when I said months ago that he wasn't going to be the nominee. I could go on and on about this but we've all had enough of that, haven't we? Yes, we have. Anyway, I'm not going to stress and if worst comes to worst I'm not married to the idea of staying in this country for the rest of my life. I did some research and found that some of the friendlier Middle Eastern countries have a surprising level of economic freedom.

But since I was obsessing over the election earlier, I forgot to post this back when it would have been more relevant. It's a friend from back home wearing what I think is the coolest Halloween costume ever. They called it Khardharsan Zuud, which is apparently Mongolian for "nightmare". I'll take their word for it.

Now want to see something really stupid? I knew you did. Here you go.

There you have it, folks, God isn't real because of atoms and planets. That makes perfect sense because reasons. Oh, and if you're going to attempt to demonstrate the perceived superiority of science over religion you could do better than to perpetuate an inaccurate representation wrongly believed by laypeople in general and creationists in particular. The timeline of human evolution looks nothing like that. It's more like this:

And this is the real relationship between humans and apes:

Contributing to the current discussion on sexual assault that surely has nothing to do with any political figures, Cracked.com recently published this very enlightening article on "7 Reasons So Many Guys Don't Understand Sexual Consent". The article gives Han Solo in "The Empire Strikes Back" as one of its examples of entertainment media portrayals that disregard the principle of consent. I kind of pointed this out last December, but didn't realize it was actually a factor in shaping real attitudes because any guy who isn't Harrison Ford who aspires to be like Han Solo has delusions of grandeur bigger than the third Death Star - sorry, I mean Starkiller Base. I also saw a couple of articles about inadvertently creepy things that "nice guys" do, and since people have often called me a "nice guy", apparently thinking I don't know that it's a thinly veiled insult, I figured I should read them. Neither was very helpful. I haven't done any of the things they listed because I'm not brain-dead.

Oh, and Mackenzie had tickets to a ski movie that she couldn't use because she was out of town. Apparently ski movies are a thing. So she asked if I wanted them and I could go on a date with someone. I had to think about it for a few hours before I remembered that I would rather shoot myself in the kneecaps. Besides, I've made it almost a year without asking any girls out and it would be a shame to give up now.

As much as I hate Mormon culture, most of the problems I've encountered with it and most of the people who have made me want to apostatize have been on the internet, not in any local congregation. I deal with a lot of pages and groups and their respective admins and members as I try to get my own foot in that door, and sometimes don't see eye-to-eye with them. Sometimes they downright disgust me. When several pages that knew better shared Rodney Meldrum's pseudoscience about Book of Mormon DNA, I protested, and their private responses were basically "Yes, I know this is a load of crap, but look how popular it is." Of course the fact that such things are popular because so many Mormons are gullible and scientifically illiterate enough to like and share them disgusts me too, but at least that doesn't evidence a lack of integrity.

There is a group called "1 Million Mormons on Fb" (which, despite having existed for at least seven years, has well under one twenty-fifth of that amount). I've clashed with some people there too, particularly those who denounce articles as anti-Mormon without bothering to read them first and those who think I'm an apostate because I don't see eye-to-eye with them on cultural matters. I know at least one of the admins isn't my biggest fan notwithstanding I never intentionally broke any rules, including the vague "common sense and decency" clause. The other day, subsequent to not breaking any rules or posting anything that should have been controversial to anyone, I was banned out of the blue. Confused, I inquired of some admins, most of whom proceeded to ignore me. The only response I got was from Josie Meechan Barnshaw, who said, "Hi Christopher, I believe you posted something political, which is against the group's rules."

To which the obvious response, though not the one I chose, would have been "Are you ------- kidding me?" I did not post anything political. I did not post anything that a person with a functioning brain and a first grade English reading level could possibly mistake for anything political. I certainly did not post any "DISCUSSION OF PARTY POLITICS OR CANDIDATES", which is what the rules actually forbid (caps in original). So the only conceivable origin of this accusation appears to be a deliberate, calculated lie by one of the admins. Which one? Was it W. Stephen Svedin, Brad Hill, Christine Sheets Bates, Donald E. Neighbors (though I know him from another setting and don't think he would do such a thing), Josie Meechan Barnshaw, Dan Owen, Cheri Murphy, Sheila Blume DuBois, Nikita Eden, or Toni Martin Owen? I have my suspicions about which one it was, but since I have no evidence, I shan't accuse him/her because that would lower me to his/her level. Of course I'll probably never know since he/she is too much of a coward to acknowledge my existence after banning me and making up a reason.

So anyway, I told Josie that I hadn't posted anything political and showed her the last thing I had posted which was not political, and in response she proceeded to ignore me. After a few attempts to rejoin the group I was blocked by someone or other. Now I know how the impoverished Zoramites felt when the self-righteous Zoramites kicked them out of the synagogues. Assuming, that is, that they weren't so much distraught as really pissed off. Anyway, if I needed a clearer message that I don't belong and am not welcome among Mormons of this ilk, I have one now. This is why I like Robert Kirby so much. Also, I know it might have been socially unacceptable for me to list everyone's names like that and I don't care.

At an institute dance in February last year I heard a song that I thought was impossibly beautiful, but didn't remember any of the words so I couldn't find it afterward. I requested a list of the songs they had played and they sent it to me and I checked all the ones I didn't recognize but it wasn't there. I gave up on it. Then, this week, I discovered that I had gotten it in my possession without even trying, on one of the albums I purchased during the Hastings clearance sale before they went out of business (may they rest in peace). It made my week. I was only really familiar with two Jordin Sparks songs, and between this and the rest of her two albums that I have I'm a fan now, and an even bigger fan after seeing what she had to say the day after the election:

Many people might think I'm overreacting to call this song impossibly beautiful, but to each their own.

I really don't understand why the recently released video of Trump being a misogynistic jackass caused such an uproar. All men say things like that because they can't control their words or actions and that's totally okay. Besides, he was only 60, and with people living longer than ever, 60 is the new 15. Even if it mattered then, it was over ten years ago so it doesn't matter now and certainly says nothing about his current character. And unlike some people, he's not responsible for anyone dying so that makes him a good person. Nah, but for real, I don't understand why the recently released video of Trump being a misogynistic jackass caused such an uproar because his views of women have been a matter of public record for quite some time. Next I suppose we'll be shocked by a video indicating that he has something against Muslims.

I sometimes forget how awful it must be to be a woman in this world. I go wherever I want, whenever I want, by myself, secure in the knowledge that my chance of getting raped is so small it isn't worth thinking about ever. When some older girls in high school started a running joke of calling me sexy and hitting on me, I liked it, and when women around here occasionally catcall me out their car windows, I like it, because I know I have nothing else to worry about from them. so I forget that women always have to worry about that stuff and how to protect themselves. Trump reminded me. Whether or not he has actually assaulted anyone, his words are not merely disrespectful but symptomatic of this problem, and the fact that so many are jumping to normalize them and minimize their significance is even worse. I would like to personally punch everyone using the phrase "locker room talk" in the throat, and then justify it as "locker room behavior". Maybe being viewed as an object is a bigger deal when people also try to use you as one.

I heard Evan McMullin speak in Logan the other night, and was favorably impressed that he is not a liar, a moron, or a misogynistic jackass, nor does he seem to hold many of the disgusting views (e.g. all Muslims are dangerous, climate change is a myth, poor people are poor because it's they're own fault) that made me embarrassed to call myself a conservative anymore in the first place. He candidly acknowledges that he has very little chance of winning, but his strategy is to stop either Trump or Hillary from getting the requisite number of electoral votes and then have Congress choose him because he has good relations already with the Republicans controlling it, and they obviously wouldn't choose Hillary, and then with that being the case the Democrats would much prefer him over Trump. With this strategy he could become president through an entirely legal means of bypassing the will of ninety-something percent of voters. So that would be cool.

I don't even know who I'm going to vote for anymore, but I have decided that their chance of winning will no longer be a determining factor. I will be voting strictly on principle and let the chips fall where they may. I'm not responsible for how other people vote. I don't care if me not voting for Trump makes it easier for Hillary to win. The people who voted for her would be responsible for that, not me. I predict that one of two things will happen to the United States in the near future: a miracle will bring an honest and capable leader to power who will then fix many of its problems, or it will disintegrate like every other empire in the history of the world. It really just depends on what the people choose and what kind of mood God is in. Now, since I don't feel like writing much more I'll finish with someone else's words.

The past several weeks have made one thing crystal-clear: Our country faces unmitigated disaster if the Other Side wins.

No reasonably intelligent person can deny this. All you have to do is look at the way the Other Side has been running its campaign. Instead of focusing on the big issues that are important to the American People, it has fired a relentlessly negative barrage of distortions, misrepresentations, and flat-out lies.

Just look at the Other Side’s latest commercial, which take a perfectly reasonable statement by the candidate for My Side completely out of context to make it seem as if he is saying something nefarious. This just shows you how desperate the Other Side is and how willing it is to mislead the American People.

The Other Side also has been hammering away at My Side to release certain documents that have nothing to do with anything, and making all sorts of outrageous accusations about what might be in them. Meanwhile, the Other Side has stonewalled perfectly reasonable requests to release its own documents that would expose some very embarrassing details if anybody ever found out what was in them. This just shows you what a bunch of hypocrites they are.

Naturally, the media won’t report any of this. Major newspapers and cable networks jump all over anything they think will make My Side look bad. Yet they completely ignore critically important and incredibly relevant information that would be devastating to the Other Side if it could ever be verified.

I will admit the candidates for My Side do make occasional blunders. These usually happen at the end of exhausting 19-hour days and are perfectly understandable. Our leaders are only human, after all. Nevertheless, the Other Side inevitably makes a big fat deal out of these trivial gaffes, while completely ignoring its own candidates’ incredibly thoughtless and stupid remarks – remarks that reveal the Other Side’s true nature, which is genuinely frightening.

My Side has produced a visionary program that will get the economy moving, put the American People back to work, strengthen national security, return fiscal integrity to Washington, and restore our standing in the international community. What does the Other Side have to offer? Nothing but the same old disproven, discredited policies that got us into our current mess in the first place.

Don’t take my word for it, though. I recently read about an analysis by an independent, nonpartisan organization that supports My Side. It proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that everything I have been saying about the Other Side was true all along. Of course, the Other Side refuses to acknowledge any of this. It is too busy cranking out so-called studies by so-called experts who are actually nothing but partisan hacks. This just shows you that the Other Side lives in its own little echo chamber and refuses to listen to anyone who has not already drunk its Kool-Aid.

Let’s face it: The Other Side is held hostage by a radical, failed ideology. I have been doing some research on the Internet, and I have learned this ideology was developed by a very obscure but nonetheless profoundly influential writer with a strange-sounding name who enjoyed brief celebrity several decades ago. If you look carefully, you can trace nearly all the Other Side’s policies for the past half-century back to the writings of this one person.

To be sure, the Other Side also has been influenced by its powerful supporters. These include a reclusive billionaire who has funded a number of organizations far outside the political mainstream; several politicians who have said outrageous things over the years; and an alarmingly large number of completely clueless ordinary Americans who are being used as tools and don’t even know it.

These people are really pathetic, too. The other day I saw a YouTube video in which My Side sent an investigator and a cameraman to a rally being held by the Other Side, where the investigator proceeded to ask some real zingers. It was hilarious! First off, the people at the rally wore T-shirts with all kinds of lame messages that they actually thought were really clever. Plus, many of the people who were interviewed were overweight, sweaty, flushed, and generally not very attractive. But what was really funny was how stupid they were. There is no way anyone could watch that video and not come away convinced the people on My Side are smarter, and that My Side is therefore right about everything.

Besides, it’s clear that the people on the Other Side are driven by mindless anger – unlike My Side, which is filled with passionate idealism and righteous indignation. That indignation, I hasten to add, is entirely justified. I have read several articles in publications that support My Side that expose what a truly dangerous group the Other Side is, and how thoroughly committed it is to imposing its radical, failed agenda on the rest of us.

That is why I believe 2016 is, without a doubt, the defining election of our lifetime. The difference between My Side and the Other Side could not be greater. That is why it absolutely must win on November 8.

This song doesn't include Obama, but is an easy way to memorize the rest of them.