From an old blog post of November 3, 2013.
Interview With the Ruler of the World (Me)
By C. Randall Nicholson
Reporter: Hello, I'm Connie Chunk for MSNBS. Since it's a slow news day and Miley Cyrus hasn't done anything exciting this week, I was wondering if I could ask you some questions.
Christopher Nicholson: Sure.
CC: Right then. Ah, so, recently it came to our attention that you're claiming to be the ruler of the world. Is this true?
CN: Yes.
CC: That you're claiming it, or that you actually are?
CN: Yes.
CC: Er, I see. And what makes you think this?
CN: What do you mean, what makes me think that? What makes you think you're a reporter?
CC: Um, right. So how long have you ruled the world?
CN: Since I was five. That's when I decided I wanted to do it.
CC: And how did you get the job?
CN: I just told you. I decided I wanted to do it.
CC: ...okay. And what do you actually do?
CN: Not much, actually. I'm mostly just a figurehead.
CC: But most people have never heard of you.
CN: I'm a low-profile figurehead. By choice, you understand. I'd never get a moment's peace if I was famous. And can you imagine the bribery and the flattery and the boot-licking I'd have to put up with? I might lose my values entirely.
CC: So, just the leaders of nations know they're supposed to report to you?
CN: Don't be stupid. They'd be the worst bribers, flatterers and boot-lickers of all.
CC: Then how do you communicate to them what you want?
CN: I don't. I feel that every nation should choose its own leaders and retain its own sovereignty. I'm not familiar enough with each culture and its circumstances to make a set of blanket decisions for everyone, or even individualized decisions. It just wouldn't work.
CC: What about your own country, the United States? I know you're rather upset about the direction it's been taking for the past - well, hundred years or so. Why don't you at least do something about that?
CN: Because that would be bias and favoritism. As a U.S. citizen this may be my favorite country, but as ruler of the world I can't pass that kind of judgment. I have to disconnect the two.
CC: Oh. That actually makes sense.
CN: Yeah. Just between us, though, Iran sucks.
CC: Is it frustrating to not be able to take a more active role sometimes?
CN: Sometimes. If I'd had my say, they would have caught Kony before it was cool. But my own biases are another reason to not get that involved. I mean, say there's a war between Russia and Ecuador. I have a spot in my heart for Ecuador because I used to Skype and flirt with a nice girl in Guayaquil. But I also feel like Russia gets demonized by everyone else and deserves a break once in a while. So whose side do I take?
CC: Well, as ruler of the world you could tell them to both knock it off and get along.
CN: Then Ecuador would listen to me, but Russia would only pretend to listen and then go in and crush them. You just can't trust those Russians.
CC: Wow, that actually makes sense too.
CN: You sound surprised.
CC: Well, I... I just didn't realize you were such a genius.
CN: Most people don't. That's why I'm perfect for the job. Everyone's worldview would be shattered if they realized there was such a thing as competent political leadership in this day and age.
CC: So, if you don't actually do anything, what are the perks of ruling the world? What do you get out of it?
CN: A sense of enormous satisfaction.
CC: Is there a salary, a living stipend, or something?
CN: No, because that goes back to the values thing. I do this in the spirit of selfless service. If I accepted payment, I would be compromising my integrity. Plus the IRS really has it in for me.
CC: Don't you control the IRS?
CN: No one controls the IRS. They're a bunch of loose cannons. Besides, my jurisdiction only applies to human beings.
CC: So you don't get anything out of this job besides "satisfaction"?
CN: Well, okay, just between us, I do get to choose where the Olympics are held and rig the outcome of the World Series. But I'm not really into sports, so I've never used those powers.
CC: I feel like someone in your position should at least get a scholarship named after you, or a building, or a Wikipedia article.
CN: I'm way too humble for that sort of thing. Haven't you figured that out yet?
CC: Right. So, um, what do you think of the United Nations?
CN: Pah. I spit on them.
CC: You don't have anything to do with them?
CN: You insult me. I would never attach my name to such a festering blob of corruption and stupidity. I could dissolve them with one executive order, but I must respect the wishes of the various nations that wish to participate with them. Besides, they're kind of interesting to watch. In the same way that roadkill teeming with maggots is interesting to watch.
CC: Um. Okay. I kind of lost my train of thought here... I guess we should wrap things up. What will you do once this interview goes public, and everyone knows that you rule the world?
CN: I don't think I'll need to do anything. I don't think anyone will notice. I'm not as interesting as Miley Cyrus, you know.
CC: What if they do? What if you have women piled up at your feet, and jealous boyfriends/husbands out to kill you? What then?
CN: I'll just tell them all to go away and leave me alone.
CC: And you think they'll listen?
CN: All of them will listen, as long as they're not Russians, because I'm the ruler of the world.
CC: I see. Well, thank you for your time. It's been interesting.
CN: My pleasure. I can't wait to see NewsBusters' take on this.
CC: Er, right. Have a good afternoon.
CN: Thanks. You too.
Main Page: Short Stories by C. Randall Nicholson
Christopher Nicholson: Sure.
CC: Right then. Ah, so, recently it came to our attention that you're claiming to be the ruler of the world. Is this true?
CN: Yes.
CC: That you're claiming it, or that you actually are?
CN: Yes.
CC: Er, I see. And what makes you think this?
CN: What do you mean, what makes me think that? What makes you think you're a reporter?
CC: Um, right. So how long have you ruled the world?
CN: Since I was five. That's when I decided I wanted to do it.
CC: And how did you get the job?
CN: I just told you. I decided I wanted to do it.
CC: ...okay. And what do you actually do?
CN: Not much, actually. I'm mostly just a figurehead.
CC: But most people have never heard of you.
CN: I'm a low-profile figurehead. By choice, you understand. I'd never get a moment's peace if I was famous. And can you imagine the bribery and the flattery and the boot-licking I'd have to put up with? I might lose my values entirely.
CC: So, just the leaders of nations know they're supposed to report to you?
CN: Don't be stupid. They'd be the worst bribers, flatterers and boot-lickers of all.
CC: Then how do you communicate to them what you want?
CN: I don't. I feel that every nation should choose its own leaders and retain its own sovereignty. I'm not familiar enough with each culture and its circumstances to make a set of blanket decisions for everyone, or even individualized decisions. It just wouldn't work.
CC: What about your own country, the United States? I know you're rather upset about the direction it's been taking for the past - well, hundred years or so. Why don't you at least do something about that?
CN: Because that would be bias and favoritism. As a U.S. citizen this may be my favorite country, but as ruler of the world I can't pass that kind of judgment. I have to disconnect the two.
CC: Oh. That actually makes sense.
CN: Yeah. Just between us, though, Iran sucks.
CC: Is it frustrating to not be able to take a more active role sometimes?
CN: Sometimes. If I'd had my say, they would have caught Kony before it was cool. But my own biases are another reason to not get that involved. I mean, say there's a war between Russia and Ecuador. I have a spot in my heart for Ecuador because I used to Skype and flirt with a nice girl in Guayaquil. But I also feel like Russia gets demonized by everyone else and deserves a break once in a while. So whose side do I take?
CC: Well, as ruler of the world you could tell them to both knock it off and get along.
CN: Then Ecuador would listen to me, but Russia would only pretend to listen and then go in and crush them. You just can't trust those Russians.
CC: Wow, that actually makes sense too.
CN: You sound surprised.
CC: Well, I... I just didn't realize you were such a genius.
CN: Most people don't. That's why I'm perfect for the job. Everyone's worldview would be shattered if they realized there was such a thing as competent political leadership in this day and age.
CC: So, if you don't actually do anything, what are the perks of ruling the world? What do you get out of it?
CN: A sense of enormous satisfaction.
CC: Is there a salary, a living stipend, or something?
CN: No, because that goes back to the values thing. I do this in the spirit of selfless service. If I accepted payment, I would be compromising my integrity. Plus the IRS really has it in for me.
CC: Don't you control the IRS?
CN: No one controls the IRS. They're a bunch of loose cannons. Besides, my jurisdiction only applies to human beings.
CC: So you don't get anything out of this job besides "satisfaction"?
CN: Well, okay, just between us, I do get to choose where the Olympics are held and rig the outcome of the World Series. But I'm not really into sports, so I've never used those powers.
CC: I feel like someone in your position should at least get a scholarship named after you, or a building, or a Wikipedia article.
CN: I'm way too humble for that sort of thing. Haven't you figured that out yet?
CC: Right. So, um, what do you think of the United Nations?
CN: Pah. I spit on them.
CC: You don't have anything to do with them?
CN: You insult me. I would never attach my name to such a festering blob of corruption and stupidity. I could dissolve them with one executive order, but I must respect the wishes of the various nations that wish to participate with them. Besides, they're kind of interesting to watch. In the same way that roadkill teeming with maggots is interesting to watch.
CC: Um. Okay. I kind of lost my train of thought here... I guess we should wrap things up. What will you do once this interview goes public, and everyone knows that you rule the world?
CN: I don't think I'll need to do anything. I don't think anyone will notice. I'm not as interesting as Miley Cyrus, you know.
CC: What if they do? What if you have women piled up at your feet, and jealous boyfriends/husbands out to kill you? What then?
CN: I'll just tell them all to go away and leave me alone.
CC: And you think they'll listen?
CN: All of them will listen, as long as they're not Russians, because I'm the ruler of the world.
CC: I see. Well, thank you for your time. It's been interesting.
CN: My pleasure. I can't wait to see NewsBusters' take on this.
CC: Er, right. Have a good afternoon.
CN: Thanks. You too.
Main Page: Short Stories by C. Randall Nicholson
