Circa 2008 I had a Sansa Sandisk mp3 player with recording capabilities, and had the idea to make my own little audio drama. Naturally it would be sci-fi and naturally it would be an attempt at comedy. The title was a rather lame riff on "Star Trek". I experimented with performing each of the characters by recording "The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog" in different voices, but that and these unfinished scripts that no one in their right mind would bother to read are as close as it ever got to existing. The name Dirk Lightstar, of course, came from this cartoon. Once again, the robot KC-1138 makes an appearance.
Not to be confused with the much, much better but less family-friendly "Star Wreck" fan film series.
Not to be confused with the much, much better but less family-friendly "Star Wreck" fan film series.
Star Wreck
Captain Dirk Lightstar: A long
First Mate Dwight Oxley: Um, sir? Sir?
Captain: Huh? Oh, uh, yes, Lieutenant Oxley. What is it?
Dwight: Well, sir, we’re in orbit around Magravar. We’re ready to pick up the new trainee.
Captain: What? I thought we were getting an ambassador!
Dwight: Well, Fleet Command sent us revised orders at 0300. We’re to pick this guy up first and then head straight to Zircon 12. Didn’t I tell you?
Captain: *sigh* No, you didn’t. No one ever tells the captain anything.
Dwight: Well, hurry up and grant me permission to do it. We’re on a tight schedule here.
Captain: *sigh* Permission granted, Lieutenant Oxley.
Dwight: Yes, sir. It’s about time something exciting happened. The crew was about to mutiny just so something exciting would happen.
Captain: What, both of you?
Second Mate Barbara Dwire: Yes, sir. It was my idea mostly.
Captain: Heh. I could take both of you.
Barb: Hey, you wouldn’t dare touch a woman, would you?
Captain: Don’t press me to find out.
Barb: Let’s not forget that I’m in charge of every weapon on this ship.
Captain: Point taken.
Dwight: Sir, his pod is docking with us. Permission to let him come aboard.
Captain: Permission granted.
Maxwell Campbell: Hey folks! Wow, a real starship! Far out!
Captain: You must be the new trainee.
Max: Huh? Oh, yeah, I guess so.
Captain: Welcome aboard the Solar Majesty. I’m Captain Dirk Lightstar.
Max: Pleasure.
Captain: This over here is my first mate, Lieutenant Dwight Oxley.
Dwight: How do you do.
Max: ‘Sup.
Captain: And this, the token female and my second mate, Lieutenant Barbara Dwire.
Barb: Hi.
Max: “Barbed wire?”
Barb: *sigh* Yeah. And they wonder why I hate my parents.
***
Captain: Kaycee! Translate for us!
Kaycee: Why yes sir, there is nothing I would enjoy more. Grumble.
Captain: Ahem. Greetings Ambassador, and welcome aboard the humble starship Solar Majesty. I am Captain Lightstar, at your service.
Kaycee: “Ahem. Castoo Tunakywa, lut ungrey satapuju chiktee Solar Majesty jumply. Coon sut ceridchi, Droigon Lightstar.”
Chewie:
Kaycee: “You moron, has it never occurred to you that being an ambassador to Earth, I just might possess a slight grasp of English, and maybe, just maybe, a few other languages, including, but not limited to, Spanish, French, German, Russian, Japanese, Mandarin, and Basque?”
***
Chewie: You have half an hour to explain to me why my people shouldn’t blow your planet out of this continuum.
Captain: Wait, what? I wasn’t aware of this development…
Chewie: Time is ticking.
Captain: Surely there must be a misunderstanding. Lieutenant Oxley, did you know about this?
Dwight: No! Fleet Command just said he was on a peacekeeping mission!
Chewie: And so I am. Even though you Earthlings are the ugliest, stupidest, most pointlessly destructive beings in the Milky Way, I have a bit of an irrational fondness for you. I don’t want to see Earth destroyed. So please, come up with a good reason.
Captain: Wha - ? Ugliest? How - ?
Chewie: To my people, that is. The Squiggy-Zibs of Jacton 9 find you quite attractive. But in stupidity and pointless destructiveness, the verdict is unanimous that you have no match.
Captain: But how - ?
Chewie: Let me sum it up for you, at least in my opinion. One word: hair.
***
Dwight: Captain! Small pod off the starboard bow! Unidentified type! Life signs aboard! Does not appear to be operating under its own power! Request permission to check it out!
Captain: Permission granted. Pull it into the main hangar bay!
Dwight: Yes sir!
***
Max: Barb? Barb? Oh, hey, uh, wow, uh, that’s a pretty big gun.
Barb: This, my fine friend, is a double bolt-action personal emag railgun firing 32mm gyro-stabilised plasma smart slugs at hypersonic velocities, 120 rounds per second, switchable to shaped-charge ammo for maximum armour penetration using gestalt AI feedback, with laser sighting and IR target tracking, palm-print recognition system, over-and-under particle beam blasters with disintegration capability, and integral tac-nuke grenade launcher.
Max: Oh… so it’s not a gun?
Barb: *sigh* Yes, it’s a gun. A pretty big gun. And if whatever’s down there tries anything cute, this baby will turn it into soup.
Max: And half the ship with it, right?
Barb: You’re thinking, for once. But shhh… no one else has thought of that. And there are other uses that are even more useful. Watch this. Captain!
Captain: Yes, Lieutenant Dwire?
Barb: Captain honey, have you reached a decision about that promotion I wanted?
Captain: Well, the thing is, I can’t –
Barb: Just a minute doll, I seem to have carelessly forgotten the safety on this thing.
Captain: – possibly refuse! You know what, I’ve decided you can be Captain.
Barb: I don’t wanna be captain of this stupid little scow.
Captain: First mate, then. Lieutenant Oxley, you’re demoted. So sorry.
Dwight: Fine with me.
Barb: With my new authority, I request permission to check out the pod we have acquired.
Captain: Permission granted. Let’s go.
Barb: What Fleet Command doesn’t know won’t hurt them, eh?
Max: You said it, sister!
Captain: Wait, hold it! Where do you think you’re going, young man?
Max: Down to the hangar bay like everyone else, duh!
Captain: No. You stay here.
***
Australians all let us rejoice,
For we are young and free;
We've golden soil and wealth for toil,
Our home is girt by sea;
Our land abounds in Nature's gifts
Of beauty rich and rare;
In history's page let every stage
Advance Australia fair.
Advance Australia fair.
Beneath our radiant southern Cross,
We'll toil with hearts and hands;
To make Commonwealth of ours
Renowned of all the lands;
Renowned of all the lands;
For those who've come across the seas
We've boundless plains to share;
With courage let, us all combine
To advance, Australia fair.
In joyful strains, then let us sing yes let us sing
Advance Australia fair!
Captain: What’s Australia?
Max: She was a Ventrusian princess who killed her suitors with a variety of arcane torture devices. I can’t imagine why this man idolizes her.
Captain: Never mind, I’ll ask Kaycee.
Max: I mean I wouldn’t go near that for all the hotness in the world…
***
Kaycee: Sir, I believe have translated the strange hieroglyphs on the second pod.
Captain: And?
Kaycee: It says, “Take good care of my baby. Eats anything but whatever you do, do not feed it bananas or milk.”
[Pause]
Captain: You know, I didn’t have to be a starship captain. I had it made as a dental assistant.
Barb: Uh, Captain…
Captain: My girlfriend always thought I should be a mechanical engineer.
Barb: Captain…
Captain: Sanitation! My ninth-grade English teacher said I was only good for picking up trash! Man, that would be the life! Why didn’t I –
Barb & Kaycee: Captain!
Captain: What?
Barb: Don’t turn around. Just come towards us very slowly.
Captain: Oh, joy. If I turned around, hypothetically, would I happen to see a ten foot tall bulwark of muscle, rippling with claws and dripping saliva from razor sharp meter-long fangs?
Barb: Well, it’s more like fifteen feet tall, and you left out a scorpion-like tail of nearly equal length, but other than that you have an uncanny guess!
Captain: Sanitation. Why’d I settle for less?
***
Captain: Come on, we have to get him to Dr. Stanton.
Max: Who?
Captain: Dr. Paula Stanton. She’s our medical officer.
Max: How come we’ve never seen this chick before?
Captain: She prefers to remain isolated in her quarters and study quietly.
Barb: With this lot, can you blame her?
***
Captain: What’s the verdict, Doc?
Paula: Not good.
Captain: I know that. But what –
Paula: To put it bluntly, sir, most of his bones and organs have been crushed into an unidentifiable jelly. His heart continues to beat, but he isn’t technically alive, not really.
Max: Ew…
Captain: Isn’t there some hope!? Come on, Paul, you’re a brilliant woman! Surely there must be something you can do!
Paula: Well…
Captain: Yes!?
Paula: First of all, never call me Paul again, please.
Captain: Eh, right.
Paula: Secondly… although I don’t recommend it… his brain is still intact. We may be able to rebuild him as a cyborg, if we act quickly.
Kaycee: That’s it then.
Paula: What?
Kaycee: I’ll give him my parts. There should be more than enough to complete the operation.
Captain: That is the sweetest, most generous –
Kaycee: You shut the *#%$ up, before I change my mind!
Captain: Yes sir.
***
Max: Man, is it really hot in here or what?
Barb: Oh for the love of –
Max: No, seriously, it’s really hot in here! Can’t you feel it?
Barb: Yeah, come to think of it…
First Mate Dwight Oxley: Um, sir? Sir?
Captain: Huh? Oh, uh, yes, Lieutenant Oxley. What is it?
Dwight: Well, sir, we’re in orbit around Magravar. We’re ready to pick up the new trainee.
Captain: What? I thought we were getting an ambassador!
Dwight: Well, Fleet Command sent us revised orders at 0300. We’re to pick this guy up first and then head straight to Zircon 12. Didn’t I tell you?
Captain: *sigh* No, you didn’t. No one ever tells the captain anything.
Dwight: Well, hurry up and grant me permission to do it. We’re on a tight schedule here.
Captain: *sigh* Permission granted, Lieutenant Oxley.
Dwight: Yes, sir. It’s about time something exciting happened. The crew was about to mutiny just so something exciting would happen.
Captain: What, both of you?
Second Mate Barbara Dwire: Yes, sir. It was my idea mostly.
Captain: Heh. I could take both of you.
Barb: Hey, you wouldn’t dare touch a woman, would you?
Captain: Don’t press me to find out.
Barb: Let’s not forget that I’m in charge of every weapon on this ship.
Captain: Point taken.
Dwight: Sir, his pod is docking with us. Permission to let him come aboard.
Captain: Permission granted.
Maxwell Campbell: Hey folks! Wow, a real starship! Far out!
Captain: You must be the new trainee.
Max: Huh? Oh, yeah, I guess so.
Captain: Welcome aboard the Solar Majesty. I’m Captain Dirk Lightstar.
Max: Pleasure.
Captain: This over here is my first mate, Lieutenant Dwight Oxley.
Dwight: How do you do.
Max: ‘Sup.
Captain: And this, the token female and my second mate, Lieutenant Barbara Dwire.
Barb: Hi.
Max: “Barbed wire?”
Barb: *sigh* Yeah. And they wonder why I hate my parents.
***
Captain: Kaycee! Translate for us!
Kaycee: Why yes sir, there is nothing I would enjoy more. Grumble.
Captain: Ahem. Greetings Ambassador, and welcome aboard the humble starship Solar Majesty. I am Captain Lightstar, at your service.
Kaycee: “Ahem. Castoo Tunakywa, lut ungrey satapuju chiktee Solar Majesty jumply. Coon sut ceridchi, Droigon Lightstar.”
Chewie:
Kaycee: “You moron, has it never occurred to you that being an ambassador to Earth, I just might possess a slight grasp of English, and maybe, just maybe, a few other languages, including, but not limited to, Spanish, French, German, Russian, Japanese, Mandarin, and Basque?”
***
Chewie: You have half an hour to explain to me why my people shouldn’t blow your planet out of this continuum.
Captain: Wait, what? I wasn’t aware of this development…
Chewie: Time is ticking.
Captain: Surely there must be a misunderstanding. Lieutenant Oxley, did you know about this?
Dwight: No! Fleet Command just said he was on a peacekeeping mission!
Chewie: And so I am. Even though you Earthlings are the ugliest, stupidest, most pointlessly destructive beings in the Milky Way, I have a bit of an irrational fondness for you. I don’t want to see Earth destroyed. So please, come up with a good reason.
Captain: Wha - ? Ugliest? How - ?
Chewie: To my people, that is. The Squiggy-Zibs of Jacton 9 find you quite attractive. But in stupidity and pointless destructiveness, the verdict is unanimous that you have no match.
Captain: But how - ?
Chewie: Let me sum it up for you, at least in my opinion. One word: hair.
***
Dwight: Captain! Small pod off the starboard bow! Unidentified type! Life signs aboard! Does not appear to be operating under its own power! Request permission to check it out!
Captain: Permission granted. Pull it into the main hangar bay!
Dwight: Yes sir!
***
Max: Barb? Barb? Oh, hey, uh, wow, uh, that’s a pretty big gun.
Barb: This, my fine friend, is a double bolt-action personal emag railgun firing 32mm gyro-stabilised plasma smart slugs at hypersonic velocities, 120 rounds per second, switchable to shaped-charge ammo for maximum armour penetration using gestalt AI feedback, with laser sighting and IR target tracking, palm-print recognition system, over-and-under particle beam blasters with disintegration capability, and integral tac-nuke grenade launcher.
Max: Oh… so it’s not a gun?
Barb: *sigh* Yes, it’s a gun. A pretty big gun. And if whatever’s down there tries anything cute, this baby will turn it into soup.
Max: And half the ship with it, right?
Barb: You’re thinking, for once. But shhh… no one else has thought of that. And there are other uses that are even more useful. Watch this. Captain!
Captain: Yes, Lieutenant Dwire?
Barb: Captain honey, have you reached a decision about that promotion I wanted?
Captain: Well, the thing is, I can’t –
Barb: Just a minute doll, I seem to have carelessly forgotten the safety on this thing.
Captain: – possibly refuse! You know what, I’ve decided you can be Captain.
Barb: I don’t wanna be captain of this stupid little scow.
Captain: First mate, then. Lieutenant Oxley, you’re demoted. So sorry.
Dwight: Fine with me.
Barb: With my new authority, I request permission to check out the pod we have acquired.
Captain: Permission granted. Let’s go.
Barb: What Fleet Command doesn’t know won’t hurt them, eh?
Max: You said it, sister!
Captain: Wait, hold it! Where do you think you’re going, young man?
Max: Down to the hangar bay like everyone else, duh!
Captain: No. You stay here.
***
Australians all let us rejoice,
For we are young and free;
We've golden soil and wealth for toil,
Our home is girt by sea;
Our land abounds in Nature's gifts
Of beauty rich and rare;
In history's page let every stage
Advance Australia fair.
Advance Australia fair.
Beneath our radiant southern Cross,
We'll toil with hearts and hands;
To make Commonwealth of ours
Renowned of all the lands;
Renowned of all the lands;
For those who've come across the seas
We've boundless plains to share;
With courage let, us all combine
To advance, Australia fair.
In joyful strains, then let us sing yes let us sing
Advance Australia fair!
Captain: What’s Australia?
Max: She was a Ventrusian princess who killed her suitors with a variety of arcane torture devices. I can’t imagine why this man idolizes her.
Captain: Never mind, I’ll ask Kaycee.
Max: I mean I wouldn’t go near that for all the hotness in the world…
***
Kaycee: Sir, I believe have translated the strange hieroglyphs on the second pod.
Captain: And?
Kaycee: It says, “Take good care of my baby. Eats anything but whatever you do, do not feed it bananas or milk.”
[Pause]
Captain: You know, I didn’t have to be a starship captain. I had it made as a dental assistant.
Barb: Uh, Captain…
Captain: My girlfriend always thought I should be a mechanical engineer.
Barb: Captain…
Captain: Sanitation! My ninth-grade English teacher said I was only good for picking up trash! Man, that would be the life! Why didn’t I –
Barb & Kaycee: Captain!
Captain: What?
Barb: Don’t turn around. Just come towards us very slowly.
Captain: Oh, joy. If I turned around, hypothetically, would I happen to see a ten foot tall bulwark of muscle, rippling with claws and dripping saliva from razor sharp meter-long fangs?
Barb: Well, it’s more like fifteen feet tall, and you left out a scorpion-like tail of nearly equal length, but other than that you have an uncanny guess!
Captain: Sanitation. Why’d I settle for less?
***
Captain: Come on, we have to get him to Dr. Stanton.
Max: Who?
Captain: Dr. Paula Stanton. She’s our medical officer.
Max: How come we’ve never seen this chick before?
Captain: She prefers to remain isolated in her quarters and study quietly.
Barb: With this lot, can you blame her?
***
Captain: What’s the verdict, Doc?
Paula: Not good.
Captain: I know that. But what –
Paula: To put it bluntly, sir, most of his bones and organs have been crushed into an unidentifiable jelly. His heart continues to beat, but he isn’t technically alive, not really.
Max: Ew…
Captain: Isn’t there some hope!? Come on, Paul, you’re a brilliant woman! Surely there must be something you can do!
Paula: Well…
Captain: Yes!?
Paula: First of all, never call me Paul again, please.
Captain: Eh, right.
Paula: Secondly… although I don’t recommend it… his brain is still intact. We may be able to rebuild him as a cyborg, if we act quickly.
Kaycee: That’s it then.
Paula: What?
Kaycee: I’ll give him my parts. There should be more than enough to complete the operation.
Captain: That is the sweetest, most generous –
Kaycee: You shut the *#%$ up, before I change my mind!
Captain: Yes sir.
***
Max: Man, is it really hot in here or what?
Barb: Oh for the love of –
Max: No, seriously, it’s really hot in here! Can’t you feel it?
Barb: Yeah, come to think of it…
