In eighth grade I had to write several poems for English class. For this one I channeled Dr. Seuss, but I never finished it and never included it in the project. Over eight years later, in late November 2015, I made a couple edits (for example, I removed the Paris Hilton reference because she's not really a thing anymore), added a couple stanzas, and submitted it for a mandatory class poetry contest. I didn't particularly care about winning but figured I might as well put forth an effort, and that my best chance was probably to go for uniqueness rather than sheer skill. To my surprise I got second place via the popular vote and third place via the guest judge's opinion. Then I had to plug my ears and wish I was dead as a classmate read it out loud.
Still later, I realize that this poem is cultural appropriation and possibly borderline racist, but please cut this eighth grader a little slack.
Still later, I realize that this poem is cultural appropriation and possibly borderline racist, but please cut this eighth grader a little slack.
The Brotherhood of Lao Ling Li
By C. Randall Nicholson
Welcome to the Brotherhood of Lao Ling Li.
Joining us is simpler than one, two, three.
You’ve passed many obstacles coming this far.
You’ve pain in your bones and no gas in your car.
But now here you are at the end of your trek,
At the summit of mighty Mount Chang-Chong-Chen-Chek.
Walk a few more miles, take a left, then you’ll see
The Temple of the Brotherhood of Lao Ling Li.
Go in, but remember to swerve, dodge and duck.
If those booby traps get you then you’re out of luck.
Good, you made it! I’m glad. Let me look at your arm.
Ah, a few lacerations won’t do any harm.
Look around at the wonders you’re here to behold.
Now look at the remnants of the last guy who told.
This is the sanctum of Lao Ling Li,
So sit in the front and repeat after me:
“On the graves of my fathers I solemnly swear,
To wear a white robe and to shave off my hair.
I’ll never eat arsenic, lead, or asbestos.
The future shall never say evil oppressed us.
“I’ll give up my business ties, love life, and friends.
They all will get postcards to make my amends.
My newly-found brethren are all that I need
To abstain from the evils of sloth, lust and greed.
To this end I will also cut down on TV.
We’ve very few channels, about two or three.
We haven’t got TiVo or cable; it’s dreck,
And reception is poor on Mount Chang-Chong-Chen-Chek.
I can watch raunchy shows like ‘Hey Baby, What’s Cookin’,
But only when Grand Abbot Wang Tzu ain’t lookin’.
“I only play games that are nice and nonviolent,
And if they have cuss words I must keep them silent.
And speaking of which, all my music must be
Of the type I’d be proud to let grandmother see.
For the most part ambrosial Oriental ditties,
That remind me of flowers and cute little kitties.
By no means am I to appreciate rap.
It’s not that it’s evil, it’s just that it’s crap.
And by now I am getting quite sick of this pledge,
So I’ll finish before I go over the edge.
“A is for aardvark and B is for bear.
If I learn this fast I may grow back my hair.
There’s fish in the seas and there’s birds in the skies.
It takes very little to make a man wise.
Steve Hawkings is brilliant. Al Yankovic’s funny.
Bill Gates is a nerd but he has lots of money.
I’ll learn martial arts and I’ll practice to fight
And contend against evil with all of my might.
I shall meditate now. If I need to know more,
I’ll turn in my pamphlet to page sixty-four.”
Yes, quite an amalgam of profound and witty,
But that’s what you get when you have a committee.
You’ve done a great job, and so – what’s that you say?
You’re not in the mood to fight evil today?
Never fear, never fret, never frown, never fry.
(Got mixed up with f’s there. I meant to say “cry”.)
Though that sloppy pledge trickles off at that part,
We have the best teachers in any fine art.
Try painting, try sculpting, try naked hang-gliding.
Meditation? Skip that. It’s not too exciting.
Now here in the mess hall we have lots to eat.
Please don’t be alarmed that it all smells like feet.
Our chef is the finest from here to Belize
And does some great things with Estonian cheese.
So please, stuff your face till you’re ready to burst,
Because then we’ll start fasting till March twenty-first.
And here’s where you’ll sleep with your new roommate Kevin.
He’s a dog. We like dogs. They all go to heaven.
We’re sorry about the ice shaver next door
And Kevin will bite you if you start to snore.
That’s it for the tour, so now let’s get started.
I hope that you know that our love is wholehearted.
Your homework tonight is to read Chapter 4
Of “How to Get Coffee Stains Off of the Floor”.
Please write a report and present it tomorrow.
Here, I have a peacock quill pen you can borrow.
The future is bright on Mount Chang-Chong-Chen-Chek
If you’re fast and can keep your head stuck to your neck.
On behalf of our faculty, Kevin, and me,
Welcome to the Brotherhood of Lao Ling Li.
Main Page: Poems and Songs by C. Randall Nicholson
Joining us is simpler than one, two, three.
You’ve passed many obstacles coming this far.
You’ve pain in your bones and no gas in your car.
But now here you are at the end of your trek,
At the summit of mighty Mount Chang-Chong-Chen-Chek.
Walk a few more miles, take a left, then you’ll see
The Temple of the Brotherhood of Lao Ling Li.
Go in, but remember to swerve, dodge and duck.
If those booby traps get you then you’re out of luck.
Good, you made it! I’m glad. Let me look at your arm.
Ah, a few lacerations won’t do any harm.
Look around at the wonders you’re here to behold.
Now look at the remnants of the last guy who told.
This is the sanctum of Lao Ling Li,
So sit in the front and repeat after me:
“On the graves of my fathers I solemnly swear,
To wear a white robe and to shave off my hair.
I’ll never eat arsenic, lead, or asbestos.
The future shall never say evil oppressed us.
“I’ll give up my business ties, love life, and friends.
They all will get postcards to make my amends.
My newly-found brethren are all that I need
To abstain from the evils of sloth, lust and greed.
To this end I will also cut down on TV.
We’ve very few channels, about two or three.
We haven’t got TiVo or cable; it’s dreck,
And reception is poor on Mount Chang-Chong-Chen-Chek.
I can watch raunchy shows like ‘Hey Baby, What’s Cookin’,
But only when Grand Abbot Wang Tzu ain’t lookin’.
“I only play games that are nice and nonviolent,
And if they have cuss words I must keep them silent.
And speaking of which, all my music must be
Of the type I’d be proud to let grandmother see.
For the most part ambrosial Oriental ditties,
That remind me of flowers and cute little kitties.
By no means am I to appreciate rap.
It’s not that it’s evil, it’s just that it’s crap.
And by now I am getting quite sick of this pledge,
So I’ll finish before I go over the edge.
“A is for aardvark and B is for bear.
If I learn this fast I may grow back my hair.
There’s fish in the seas and there’s birds in the skies.
It takes very little to make a man wise.
Steve Hawkings is brilliant. Al Yankovic’s funny.
Bill Gates is a nerd but he has lots of money.
I’ll learn martial arts and I’ll practice to fight
And contend against evil with all of my might.
I shall meditate now. If I need to know more,
I’ll turn in my pamphlet to page sixty-four.”
Yes, quite an amalgam of profound and witty,
But that’s what you get when you have a committee.
You’ve done a great job, and so – what’s that you say?
You’re not in the mood to fight evil today?
Never fear, never fret, never frown, never fry.
(Got mixed up with f’s there. I meant to say “cry”.)
Though that sloppy pledge trickles off at that part,
We have the best teachers in any fine art.
Try painting, try sculpting, try naked hang-gliding.
Meditation? Skip that. It’s not too exciting.
Now here in the mess hall we have lots to eat.
Please don’t be alarmed that it all smells like feet.
Our chef is the finest from here to Belize
And does some great things with Estonian cheese.
So please, stuff your face till you’re ready to burst,
Because then we’ll start fasting till March twenty-first.
And here’s where you’ll sleep with your new roommate Kevin.
He’s a dog. We like dogs. They all go to heaven.
We’re sorry about the ice shaver next door
And Kevin will bite you if you start to snore.
That’s it for the tour, so now let’s get started.
I hope that you know that our love is wholehearted.
Your homework tonight is to read Chapter 4
Of “How to Get Coffee Stains Off of the Floor”.
Please write a report and present it tomorrow.
Here, I have a peacock quill pen you can borrow.
The future is bright on Mount Chang-Chong-Chen-Chek
If you’re fast and can keep your head stuck to your neck.
On behalf of our faculty, Kevin, and me,
Welcome to the Brotherhood of Lao Ling Li.
Main Page: Poems and Songs by C. Randall Nicholson
