Review of "Solo: A Star Wars Story"
By C. Randall Nicholson

With "Solo: A Star Wars Story", Disney accomplished something I once thought was literally impossible: they made a theatrically-released Star Wars movie flop. Chuck Wendig's pathetic lies notwithstanding, it's an unqualified box office disaster worldwide. There have been some good reasons and some stupid reasons thrown around to explain this. To cut to the chase: "Solo" is not a bad movie, in my opinion, but merely a mediocre one. It had the misfortune of being released at the wrong time and taking the brunt of fan backlash against "The Last Jedi", Kathleen Kennedy's SJW agenda, and Lucasfilm's childish bullying of fans who dare to criticize either. On its own merits, it's enjoyable enough to watch, but would be mostly forgotten within a couple years if it didn't have the words "Star Wars" in its title. Myself, I'll watch literally anything with the words "Star Wars" in its title. I need help. Anyway, if this review seems overwhelmingly negative, it's not because I didn't like the movie, but because it could have been so much better with just a little effort.

First, the positive: Donald Glover looks great and oozes charisma as Lando Calrissian. Now, the negative: Alden Ehrenreich does neither of those things as Han Solo. For the movie's title character, one of the most beloved in movie history, Lucasfilm opted to go with literally the first person who auditioned because Steven Spielberg said something nice about him. At least two other actors auditioned who look like they could be Harrison Ford's clones (see here for a cool fan film made by one of them), but they opted to go with someone who couldn't even pass for his brother. They said they weren't looking for a Harrison Ford impersonation. They wanted a fresh take on the character. That's all fine and dandy, but this is meant to be physically the same person as the character heretofore portrayed by Harrison Ford, so making them similar enough for audiences to believe that is kind of crucial. And what's with the dumb smile he has plastered on his face for most of the movie?

After that, the main weakness of this movie is predictability. Everyone knows the main plot points. They know that Han will meet Chewbacca, meet Lando, win the Millennium Falcon from Lando in a sabacc game, make the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs, not end up with his love interest, and not die. Knowing how a movie is going to end up isn't necessarily a bad thing. Going into "Revenge of the Sith", virtually everyone knew that Anakin Skywalker would turn to the Dark Side and that most of the Jedi were going to die, and where everyone would go in their exile. But the specifics beyond that, and most of the movie's run time before that point, were up in the air. "Solo" is a bit too predictable as it goes through a checklist of things we already knew, and that's one reason why casual fans weren't interested. At least they subverted expectations a little bit with the first sabacc game.

In the original Expanded Universe, Han was kicked out of the Imperial Academy for rescuing a Wookiee slave named Chewbacca, who then owed him a life debt and consequently insisted on following him around everywhere. At first, according to Han, "it annoyed the Corellian rats out of me that I couldn't ditch the furry beast", but the rest is history. In "Solo", Han is thrown to a chained and starved Chewbacca, but for some reason he speaks Shyriiwook and is able to reason with him. Uh, what? And why is that even necessary when Chewbacca understands English, I mean Basic? Okay, so they escape together and Han learns his name. Han's bit of dialogue is painful to listen to: "Chewbacca? I’m not gonna say THAT every time. You’re gonna need a nickname!" Who asked for this? Who thought this was important? I've introduced myself to hundreds of people as Christopher, and the vast majority of them have defaulted to calling me Chris. Not once has anyone said, "Christopher? I’m not gonna say THAT every time. You’re gonna need a nickname!"

They have some adventures with their little crew, and afterward in this version I guess Chewbacca just follows Han around for kicks and giggles. This crew, Lando and Tobias Beckett and some other people, are all right. Lots of people hate one in particular, but I'll get to her later. I liked the four-armed guy. The name of Han's love interest is pronounced Kira, spelled Qi'ra. She must be from planet Utah. Other than that there's not much distinctive or interesting about her to show why Han is in love with her. I thought she was going to die. I was a bit surprised that she turned her back on Han of her own volition. But not shocked, because like I said, we already knew who Han was really going to end up with.

The movie feels a need to reference seemingly everything and everyone in the galaxy - Aurra Sing, Glee Anselm, Felucia, Teräs Käsi, mynocks, and colo claw fish, to name a few. Jon Kasdan literally browsed Wookieepedia for a few minutes to find these references. In the theater, I geeked out exactly like I was supposed to every time one of them was mentioned, but afterward I realized their excessive use was kind of dumb and speaks to a broader problem of Disney Star Wars. The current movies rely far too heavily on references and inside jokes, trying to minimize their workload by coasting on nostalgia from the previous movies they exploit. It's getting to the point where Star Wars is starting to feel... incestuous, for lack of a better word. This sort of thing is great in moderation, balanced with original content, but Disney goes much too far. And it's not working anymore.

Most of the humor falls flat in my judgment. On the bright side, it isn't overused and out of place like in "The Force Awakens" and "The Last Jedi", but most of it for me just elicited awkward smiles as I realized it was supposed to be funny. There was so much potential for Han's wisecracking, but hey, they didn't want to impersonate Harrison Ford. The scene I found funniest was later implied to not actually be a joke. And a reviewer helpfully pointed out later that it violates the Bechdel Test, as it depicts the two women (if a robot with child-bearing hips can be considered a woman) alone in the Millennium Falcon's cockpit talking about a man. This is an outrage against feminism and a woeful step backward for equality that never should have passed Kathleen Kennedy's approval. It's not like the original Star Wars movie had two men alone in the Millennium Falcon's cockpit talking about a woman...

A more positive observation: the aliens. Some of the aliens, including those in the scene where Han and Lando first meet, were some of the coolest aliens I've ever seen in my life. The lobster thing and the two-headed sea worm thing and the big one-eyed thing... yeah. I appreciated the previous Disney Star Wars movies' efforts to expand the width and breadth of races in the galaxy, but their lack of familiar ones made them feel a lot less like Star Wars. In "Solo", alongside the new ones, we finally see a Rodian, and also Twi'leks. "Rogue One" has Twi'leks but they're difficult to spot on the first viewing. Another thing this movie does right is limiting the involvement of the Empire. As far as I'm concerned, the Empire/"First Order" is as overused in Star Wars as the Nazis are in Indiana Jones. They're in the movie, of course, since they rule the galaxy, but Han mostly goes up against crime lords and underworld scum, as he should.

There were two major complaints about Kennedy and friends' SJW agenda manifesting in the film. First, the unsubtle droid rights activist L3-37. Before seeing the movie I heard from multiple sources that she was more annoying than Jar Jar Binks, and even heard from multiple sources that their entire theater burst into applause when she died. Maybe it's because I never found Jar Jar Binks annoying either, but I didn't find her annoying either. If she had been in the movie any longer, I would have, but I felt like she was in it just the right amount of time to prevent that. The other complaint also relates to her. A few days before the movie's release, Jon Kasdan asserted that Lando is pansexual and then responded with self-righteous sarcasm to fans who complained about his gratuitous injection of identity politics into Star Wars. That certainly didn't do the movie's box office take any favors. Look, I don't want to know about Lando's or any other character's sex life, period, end of story. I don't want the mental image of him getting nasty with a robot. I just don't.

Oh... and why did Darth Maul have to show up? In the theater, I was shocked exactly like I was supposed to be. Like everyone else in the world, I knew he was retconned to ridiculously survive being cut in half and stick around for several more years, but his arc was already concluded with no loose ends. It makes little or no sense to go back in time from there and stick him in here just for the obligatory surprise twist that every movie is obligated to have now. And just when I was thinking this was the first theatrical Star Wars movie without a lightsaber. I know I said earlier that "Solo" is otherwise too predictable, but this cameo is just silly.

Disney is probably even more surprised than me to learn that they can't just produce anything they want under the name "Star Wars" and have a guaranteed success. Though I think "Solo" deserved more sucess, and I feel sorry for the people who made it, except for Jon Kasdan, and I regret not getting to see where a sequel might have gone with its unfettered freedom to be an original story, this is probably a hidden blessing for the Star Wars franchise. Disney is seriously reconsidering how it will make the several movies it has lined up, and will be forced to start respecting the desires and opinions of long-time fans that Kathleen Kenndy and her ilk have openly derided since they took over Lucasfilm. Whatever happens, from now on they're definitely going to try a lot harder.