Not only are religion and science compatible, so are religion and science fiction. To benefit from it you should at least know the basic plotline of "A New Hope"; and links to Wookieepedia are provided throughout the text for further information. I hope they aren't too distracting. One of the jokes doesn't work anymore because of Disney's improvements to racial diversity, but I like it too much to get rid of it. Real life LDS/Star Wars connection: Dave Wolverton, author of The Courtship of Princess Leia, the short story "Payback; The Tale of Dengar," and the first book in the Jedi Apprentice series, was LDS. Fun bogus not true urban legend LDS/Star Wars connection: Spencer W. Kimball was the model for Yoda.
Excerpts from the Holo-Diary of Elder Antilles
0 BBY
4/18
[start recording]
Is this thing recording? Oh, I guess that's what the little green light means. Okay, great. Um...
I finally sent in my mission papers today, and I can't wait to find out where I'm going. I don't know how I'll manage to sleep at night for the next few weeks. I'll go wherever the Lord wants me, of course, but like everyone else I've given a lot of thought to some of the main places I'd like to go.
Coruscant
Pros: There are opportunities to reach beings from every corner of the galaxy, including areas where the Church isn't established yet. And the sheer number of people virtually guarantees a steady supply of converts.
Cons: The Empire has spies everywhere just waiting for an excuse to arrest people like us. Secularism has risen dramatically since the Republic fell.
Bespin
Pros: Beautiful sky, beautiful clouds. Beneath their gruff exterior, I bet the Ugnaught immigrants are humble and more receptive to the gospel than average.
Cons: I hate the smell of Tibanna gas. And what if something goes wrong with Cloud City and it falls out of the sky? Has anyone thought about that?
Kamino
Pros: The natives are very polite.
Cons: Rain, rain, rain. And I'm still not sure about the ethical ramifications of teaching and baptizing clones who are genetically conditioned to obey orders.
Naboo
Pros: Beautiful waterfalls, beautiful fields, beautiful architecture, beautiful women. Oops, scratch that last one. I'll be a missionary. I meant 'friendly people'.
Cons: Giant carnivorous fish, and there's always a bigger one. Rumor also has it that Jar Jar Binks is still alive somewhere.
Kashyyk
Pros: The Wookiees are very friendly, peaceful, and in tune with nature. I think we could find a lot of common ground between our beliefs and theirs.
Cons: Giant bugs. I'm not particularly squeamish around insects, but seriously - yikes. Also, how the fetch am I supposed to learn the language?
Forest moon of Endor
Pros: The Ewoks are so receptive to the gospel and eager to join the Church that we could baptize entire villages if we wanted to. But of course, we try to emphasize personal conversion.
Cons: The Ewoks are, well, Ewoks.
Alderaan
Pros: Like Naboo – beauty and friendliness. Alderaan is so peaceful it doesn't even have any weapons.
Cons: None that I can think of. What could possibly go wrong?
But really, like I said, I'll go anywhere the Lord wants me. I'm just glad there are no missions on Hoth or Dagobah.
4/24
Today I almost had a heart attack when I got a mission call to Mustafar, but it was just Gavin playing a prank. I resisted the urge to punch him, but I was pretty mad. You don't joke about these things. Okay, I guess it's not that big a deal, but it just stings more than it should because it seemed so... passive-aggressive. He hasn't been to church in months and, though he won't say anything, I think he's even antagonistic toward it. What to do? How can I help others if I can't help my own family members? He was my brother! I loved him!
5/2
Finally, my real mission call is here! I opened it in front of my girlfriend Bria and my whole family, even Gavin. I could tell he just wanted to make fun of wherever I got sent. I find his lack of faith disturbing. Anyway, here's what it said: "Dear Elder Antilles: You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Tatooine Mos Eisley North Mission (Bocce-speaking). It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of twenty-four months" and so on and so forth.
Wow...
Okay, can I just say one thing real quick? I don't get why mission names are always in reverse. "Tatooine Mos Eisley North". Why not just say "Assigned you are to labor in the Tatooine Mos Eisley North Mission. Anticipated it is that for a period of twenty-four months you will serve." Actually, that sounds really profound and wise, somehow. Imagine if somebody actually talked like that.
Anyway, moving on to business...
Tatooine? Really? I hadn't even considered that. That's like... way out in the Outer Rim. If there's a bright center to the universe, that's the planet it's farthest from. I mean, I'm not complaining, but I just...
I have a bad feeling about this.
7/5
Today was my first day in Mos Eisley, and I don't think I'll ever find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Smugglers, bounty hunters, jazz musicians... I know I shouldn't judge by outward appearances, and maybe some of them will be humble and receptive to the gospel, but I think in most cases their hearts are just too hard to even give us a chance, and none of them are likely to be interested in the Word of Wisdom. If our less-than-stellar success at tracting today is any indication, this is going to be a long two years.
I got stuck with a lousy senior companion too. Elder Tano's a nice enough guy I guess, but his heart's not in the work and he's not very good at following mission rules. He just got transferred here from Mos Espa, where he got in big trouble for betting on the Podraces, which aren't even legal anymore. I'm not sure why they didn't send him home. But if I had to guess, I'd say it's because keeping him on Tatooine is a much worse punishment.
This apartment they hooked us up with is a dump too. I swept away the sand but half an hour later it was back again. I guess that's to be expected anywhere on the planet, but they could have given us a bit more space. I think we're actually in retrofitted slave quarters. It isn't fit for -
[unidentified voice, indistinct]
Huh? Just recording in my holo-diary.
[unidentified voice, indistinct]
Because the prophet has told us to keep a journal.
[unidentified voice, indistinct]
Well I'm sorry it's annoying you, but what else am I supposed to do for a journal? When was the last time you saw any paper in this galaxy? And you're not supposed to be in bed yet anyway.
[unidentified voice, indistinct]
Watch your mouth, Elder! Look, I'll finish this entry some other time. Obviously I need to resolve a few things around here first.
7/6
So, Elder Tano wanted me to do all my holo-recording outside, but we're supposed to stay in the same room at all times and I think people like him are the reason that rule was invented. I finally agreed to just buy him earplugs since it isn't worth the fuss. Dragging him out of bed this morning was worse than pulling ears off a gundark, but now that I'm over the ship-lag and the culture shock, I have a better attitude about this whole thing. This is where the Lord wants me so I'm going to make the best of it. All these people are children of God – even the really ugly ones. And some of them must be golden investigators. They just don't realize it yet.
Finding them will be tricky, because the few spaceports like these are havens for those who do not wish to be found. We're not having any success yet, but it's only the second day so I can be patient. Really, it's become clear that Elder Tano is the one who's going to be exasperating. He wanted to go to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. I told him he could waste time when his mission was over, and he said we were wasting our time anyway and it only took one of us to knock on doors. He doesn't even try. If he knocks on a door and doesn't get an answer within a few seconds, he just says, "Door is locked, move on to the next one." I feel like he doesn't want to actually deal with anybody.
7/9
Still no luck tracting, and I'm getting discouraged, but I try to have a positive attitude and look at everything through spiritual eyes, to have a new hope. Even on this barren wasteland of a planet, Alma's words ring true; indeed, "all things denote there is a God". Take this gorgeous twin sunset, for instance. Science tells us it's impossible for planets to form in orbit around a binary star, due to its deep gravity well, but guess what? Christians 1, Atheists 0.
7/11
Today a Jawa stole my holo-diary and I had to chase him all the way out of town to his sandcrawler. When I cornered him, he insisted that he'd thought someone had "lost" it, and that it's my own problem if I'm careless enough to leave my things lying around for more than five seconds. At least, I think that's what he said. I didn't understand a word of his jabbering so he had to use a lot of gestures. Note to self: look up "Utinni" in a dictionary. He says that a lot.
The other Jawas in the sandcrawler seemed really curious and interested in us, but we couldn't exactly teach the discussions in their language. I decided we should try to come back when they'd found a protocol droid who could translate for us, before they got a chance to sell it. I can't help but think that Jawa stealing my holo-diary might turn out to be a hidden blessing. Maybe we've found our golden investigators. Hey, they don't smell great, but at least they're sober.
7/13
Besides the Jawas, we haven't gotten a single foot in a single door, so President Shrike said we could take a landspeeder and try some of the outlying settlements. When the gospel was first restored it spread really quickly among farmers and menial laborers. So I figured maybe the same would apply here.
I was right – sort of. We got mixed results from the first family of moisture farmers we met. The husband didn't seem happy to see us at all, and he was probably about to slam the door, but his sweet wife insisted on letting us in and bringing us delicious blue milk. We gave the first discussion with him rolling his eyes and her staring at us with wide-eyed fascination. Their nephew was there, too, but he just kind of sulked in the corner. There's something intriguing about him. I get the feeling he's really unsatisfied with his life here, that he's missing something inside. The gospel is the perfect thing to fill that emptiness.
I just wish I wasn't so bad with names. It makes things kind of awkward. The kid had a really unique and memorable name, too. His last name was "Starkiller", or something like that, and his first name was from the New Testament or something... Matthew? No. Mark? No. John? Ah, fetch, I'll just have to record it next time.
7/15
Elder Tano suggested we give the city another try, since there are people coming and going all the time and we might find someone more receptive this time. As soon as we got there, though, he wanted to go to the cantina. He said some people spend all their time there and we'd never meet them otherwise. He's right, but how stupid does he think I am? At best, he wants to listen to the Modal Nodes, which is against mission rules. At worst, he wants to get stoned, which is also against mission rules. So I said no. He was kind of upset about that. Well, let him be upset. I'm kind of upset about having him as a companion.
7/16
Elder Tano kept pestering me about going to town, so I relented, but I made sure we stayed away from the cantina. We ended up near one of the docking bays and actually found someone who would talk to us for more than thirty seconds, but apparently he just wanted to make fun of us. He was a wisecracking smuggler with a Wookiee copilot, and after listening to the part of the first discussion with a bemused expression he interrupted and told us that he'd been from one side of this galaxy to the other and seen a lot of strange stuff, but nothing to make him belief some all-powerful God controls his destiny.
I said he must have faith in something, noting that his ship was a piece of junk and that he had to trust that it wouldn't fall apart in space. Elder Tano retorted that there was a difference between faith and stupidity. The smuggler flipped out and started going on about how it's a great ship and he made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs, and so on. I stopped listening because I realized two things: that we weren't going to get anywhere with this guy, and that he has delusions of grandeur. The poor idiot doesn't even realize that parsecs are a unit of distance, not time.
The Wookiee looked like he was more interested, but we couldn't talk to him without the smuggler's help, and that guy was in no mood to cooperate. Besides, the Wookiee seemed to be too much of a follower and probably wouldn't do anything without his approval anyway. I pity both of them. They'll never amount to anything. They'll be lucky if that ship can even get them off this planet one more time.
7/17
We actually got someone else to talk with us, but he was just looking for an argument too, and he was a lot less pleasant about it. He gave us a hard time about the Church not letting black people have the priesthood until 22 BBY. Why the heck does he care? There are only, like, five black people in the galaxy anyway.
7/18
We met with the moisture farmer family again and challenged them to be baptized. I know we're supposed to "invite" people to be baptized, not "challenge" them, but it kind of is a challenge on this planet seeing as there's no large enough areas of standing water. I suggested they could set aside ten percent of their vaporator harvest every day until they had enough. The husband got really upset about that idea so we decided not to push the baptism thing quite yet.
Then we used the ten percent idea to segue into a lesson about tithing. The husband got really mad about that, especially when I read the scripture in D&C that says "He that is tithed shall not be burned". He said he can take care of himself and doesn't need that kind of protection. What a grouch! Why does he take everything so personally? I feel like there's something slightly dysfunctional about this family and he's under a lot of stress for some reason. I wanted to ask about his nephew's father, but something told me that wasn't a good idea.
7/19
Today, while we were driving, Elder Tano tried to bulls-eye some womp rats. Never mind why he has a gun – what I want to know is, how could he do such a thing? What kind of sick monster abuses God's creatures like that?
7/21
We're still alternating between the city and the outlying settlements. I thought that was a waste of time and we should just focus on the settlements, but Elder Tano's idea, if not his motives, turned out to be right for once. Today we finally found someone who would listen to our message and take it seriously. He was a strange old man in a robe, buying something in the marketplace, and he agreed to let us come to his house and talk.
Once we arrived at his house, which was way out in the Dune Sea, we realized that he was probably just really lonely and desperate for anyone to talk to. But he listened intently anyway. He has this strange piercing gaze that's both compelling and unnerving, if that makes sense. I feel like he knows more about us than he lets on, somehow. But I was afraid to ask.
7/23
Today I turned my back on Elder Tano for a minute and he disappeared. It didn't take me long to figure out where he'd gone, and sure enough, there he was in the cantina drinking shots with a Rodian. I dragged him out, kicking and protesting all the while that Greedo bought him a shot first. Somehow I find that hard to believe. Anyway, of course I had to tell President Shrike what had happened, but still he isn't getting sent home. Weird.
7/25
We wanted to visit the moisture farmers again, but I felt like the husband might need a few more days to calm down. So we went to see the old man again instead. To be honest, I was secretly really glad about all the time it took to drive out there, because staring at the endless waves of sand is about as productive as knocking on doors in Mos Eisley, and less discouraging.
This time the old man decided to teach us a lesson about the ways of the Force. That's when I realized he's a little messed up in the head, which explains a lot. The suns probably baked his brains years ago. He must be the only person in the galaxy who doesn't realize the Jedi have been extinct for almost twenty years. I asked him why he was telling us all this now, and he said he was "just practicing". Is he going to be a Jedi missionary or something?
We tried to draw a connection between the Force and the Holy Ghost or the priesthood - it was difficult, because we're mostly trained to teach people with a Christian background, but I took a "Gospel and Galactic Religions" institute class that really helped. The Holy Ghost and the priesthood, I tried to explain, are superior because they can't be used by the dark side and don't rely on freakish little creatures in your cells. But he was in his own little world and not really listening. Before we left he tried to do a Jedi mind trick and make us forget the whole conversation. Silly old man – everyone knows mind tricks don't work on Hutts, Toydarians, or Mormons.
7/26
That same Jawa stole my holo-diary again, but I didn't mind this time, because when we got back to the sandcrawler we found that they had a protocol droid this time. I don't think it was quite the droid we were looking for, because it was rather prissy and whiny and annoying, but it got the job done. The Jawas insisted on going through all six first lessons and by the time we were done they were so enthusiastic they presented us with a pile of useless mechanical parts as tithing. At least they don't have a problem with it.
We talked about baptism, but again the dilemma of water presented itself. The Jawas asked if the oil bath for their droids would suffice, but we had to tell them no. It was heartbreaking. But we'll figure this out somehow. I asked President Shrike why there isn't a solution to this issue in place already, and he said it's because no one on Tatooine has ever been baptized. Oh.
7/27
There were a lot of stormtroopers in Mos Eisley today. What's going on? We tried to engage one in conversation while he was off-duty, but he said he didn't want to talk to Latter-day Saints. He was only interested in Druids.
7/28
The Jawas, despite their enthusiasm, didn't show up to our appointment today. I hope they're all right. We went to check on the old man again, but he wasn't home. We were going to see the moisture farmers when President Shrike called and told us to get back to the city and stay there. He said the Sand People have been acting up a lot today and it's not safe.
But the city wasn't safe today either, apparently. I didn't catch all the details, but somebody was wounded in the cantina and Elder Tano's drinking buddy died. I knew we needed to stay away from there. Then there was some kind of firefight in the docking bay where a bunch of stormtroopers died trying to stop a freighter from taking off, which of course they failed at because they shoot like, well, stormtroopers. But after that we decided to just stay in our apartment and study.
7/29
Still no word from the Jawas or the old man, but when we went to visit the moisture farmers... wow. I'm still speechless. Curse those Sand People. Why do they do these things? How would they like it if someone killed them and destroyed their homes? Sorry, I shouldn't think about things like that. I'm just so angry.
Anyway, there was nothing we could do but try to tidy up the remains. Then it hit us – everyone who was investigating the Church is now missing and/or dead. I think maybe we should stay in our apartment again tomorrow. Then, maybe next week, we'll give the smuggler and the Wookiee another try. Oh joy. You know, sometimes it seems like everything is going according to the Lord's plan, and then it all implodes. Is that according to the Lord's plan too, or is it just something we did wrong? Probably the latter. With Elder Tano around it's a wonder we aren't being smitten with sandstorms everywhere we go.
Oh, and word on the street is that Alderaan's suddenly gone. I don't know how these rumors get started. The entire Imperial star fleet couldn't destroy a planet.
7/30
We stayed in our apartment today but couldn't avoid the commotion outside. Apparently the Empire had some kind of doomsday weapon and the Rebellion just blew it up. Everyone in town was chattering about it, but I knew better than to ask for too many details. We're not supposed to talk about politics. I'll just say that millions of innocent stormtroopers, technicians are so on are in the spirit world now, and they'll have a chance to hear the gospel that they were blinded to in mortality.
7/31
Something else has blown up – my heart. I just got a holo-tape from my girlfriend Bria. Or should I say, ex-girlfriend. Here I am serving the Lord and she dumps me for some scruffy-looking nerf herder. Why don't girls ever go for the nice guys? They always fall for smugglers and pirates, just because they've got charisma or something.
Oh well, I shouldn't complain. Folks around here have it a lot worse than me – they live on Tatooine, for Sith's sake. But right now, especially, everybody's panicking. The regional governor, Grand Moff Tarkin, is dead, and they're worried that the Empire will strike back. With this kind of unrest brewing I don't feel safe in the streets, but maybe it will make them more receptive to the gospel.
8/3
Work has been as slow as ever around here since all of our golden contacts disappeared, and we couldn't even find the smuggler or the Wookiee, but today we received a referral from someone ordering a free King James Bible. When we brought it to the address, we discovered that this referral lives in Jabba's palace. I did not want to go in there. If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably go insane. But Elder Tano was all gung-ho about it, and thrilled that finally something exciting was happening.
I was surprised to find that he knows Huttese - I don't want to know where he learned it. So he did all the talking, and got us past the weird robotic eyeball out front, and then persuaded the Gamorrean guards and creepy Twi'lek guy to leave us alone. We were just standing there inside the entrance when our referral stepped out of the shadows and introduced himself. He was a B'omarr monk. It makes sense, I guess, since the palace used to be one of their monasteries, but I'm not sure why they still hang around. It's not exactly the most spiritual or reverent place anymore.
We gave him the Bible and then talked for a while. I think we can find a lot of common ground between our belief systems. One thing that troubles me, though, is the need to teach him that our bodies are temples. He obviously doesn't think highly of his own body since he had his brain cut out of it and placed in a mechanical spider.
8/4
We went back to see the B'omarr monk again. Big mistake. This time the Twi'lek insisted on taking us to see Jabba himself, and with the Gamorreans breathing down our necks we were in no position to refuse. So there we were, standing in front of a corpulent foul-smelling slug with an immodestly dressed dancing girl chained to him, trying to explain our purpose here. It was going well until Jabba suddenly interrupted and asked Elder Tano if he had ever bet on a Podrace. Elder Tano said no and that he must be mistaken, but Jabba persisted, said Elder Tano still owed him money, and then opened a trapdoor under his feet. I felt a spiritual prompting and jumped back just in time, but Elder Tano was eaten by a rancor. I guess that's one reason why gambling is bad for you.
I don't remember much of what happened next. I just know that I ran and ran and ran without stopping, and somehow found my way outside. Then it started to dawn on me what had just happened – Jabba the Hutt had murdered a representative of the Lord. Okay, so the guy brought it on himself, but still. I had the idea to shake the dust off my shoes at the palace (and there was a lot of it) like it says in Doctrine and Covenants. I think it's mostly a symbolic thing, though, and won't have any tangible effect in mortality. Lots of people have tried to kill Jabba but he's pretty much invincible.
May the Force be with you, Elder Tano, and may I finally get a decent companion.
8/5
Today President Shrike decided that due to all the goings-on lately, instead of assigning me a new companion, he's going to transfer me to another planet entirely. I'm excited about that. I'm tired of the sand and the heat and the dry air, and it's not like any investigators are going to miss me. Well, the B'omarr monk might be disappointed, but I wouldn't be going back there any time soon anyway. Even a missionary's dedication has its limits.
I have no idea what to expect in my next area, though. I've never even heard of Geonosis.
[end of recording]
Tune in on Stardate 41153.7 and read about Elder Lemli's two-year mission to proselytize a strange new world, to seek out incomplete lives and start new congregations, to boldly go where no church presence has been established before.
4/18
[start recording]
Is this thing recording? Oh, I guess that's what the little green light means. Okay, great. Um...
I finally sent in my mission papers today, and I can't wait to find out where I'm going. I don't know how I'll manage to sleep at night for the next few weeks. I'll go wherever the Lord wants me, of course, but like everyone else I've given a lot of thought to some of the main places I'd like to go.
Coruscant
Pros: There are opportunities to reach beings from every corner of the galaxy, including areas where the Church isn't established yet. And the sheer number of people virtually guarantees a steady supply of converts.
Cons: The Empire has spies everywhere just waiting for an excuse to arrest people like us. Secularism has risen dramatically since the Republic fell.
Bespin
Pros: Beautiful sky, beautiful clouds. Beneath their gruff exterior, I bet the Ugnaught immigrants are humble and more receptive to the gospel than average.
Cons: I hate the smell of Tibanna gas. And what if something goes wrong with Cloud City and it falls out of the sky? Has anyone thought about that?
Kamino
Pros: The natives are very polite.
Cons: Rain, rain, rain. And I'm still not sure about the ethical ramifications of teaching and baptizing clones who are genetically conditioned to obey orders.
Naboo
Pros: Beautiful waterfalls, beautiful fields, beautiful architecture, beautiful women. Oops, scratch that last one. I'll be a missionary. I meant 'friendly people'.
Cons: Giant carnivorous fish, and there's always a bigger one. Rumor also has it that Jar Jar Binks is still alive somewhere.
Kashyyk
Pros: The Wookiees are very friendly, peaceful, and in tune with nature. I think we could find a lot of common ground between our beliefs and theirs.
Cons: Giant bugs. I'm not particularly squeamish around insects, but seriously - yikes. Also, how the fetch am I supposed to learn the language?
Forest moon of Endor
Pros: The Ewoks are so receptive to the gospel and eager to join the Church that we could baptize entire villages if we wanted to. But of course, we try to emphasize personal conversion.
Cons: The Ewoks are, well, Ewoks.
Alderaan
Pros: Like Naboo – beauty and friendliness. Alderaan is so peaceful it doesn't even have any weapons.
Cons: None that I can think of. What could possibly go wrong?
But really, like I said, I'll go anywhere the Lord wants me. I'm just glad there are no missions on Hoth or Dagobah.
4/24
Today I almost had a heart attack when I got a mission call to Mustafar, but it was just Gavin playing a prank. I resisted the urge to punch him, but I was pretty mad. You don't joke about these things. Okay, I guess it's not that big a deal, but it just stings more than it should because it seemed so... passive-aggressive. He hasn't been to church in months and, though he won't say anything, I think he's even antagonistic toward it. What to do? How can I help others if I can't help my own family members? He was my brother! I loved him!
5/2
Finally, my real mission call is here! I opened it in front of my girlfriend Bria and my whole family, even Gavin. I could tell he just wanted to make fun of wherever I got sent. I find his lack of faith disturbing. Anyway, here's what it said: "Dear Elder Antilles: You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Tatooine Mos Eisley North Mission (Bocce-speaking). It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of twenty-four months" and so on and so forth.
Wow...
Okay, can I just say one thing real quick? I don't get why mission names are always in reverse. "Tatooine Mos Eisley North". Why not just say "Assigned you are to labor in the Tatooine Mos Eisley North Mission. Anticipated it is that for a period of twenty-four months you will serve." Actually, that sounds really profound and wise, somehow. Imagine if somebody actually talked like that.
Anyway, moving on to business...
Tatooine? Really? I hadn't even considered that. That's like... way out in the Outer Rim. If there's a bright center to the universe, that's the planet it's farthest from. I mean, I'm not complaining, but I just...
I have a bad feeling about this.
7/5
Today was my first day in Mos Eisley, and I don't think I'll ever find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Smugglers, bounty hunters, jazz musicians... I know I shouldn't judge by outward appearances, and maybe some of them will be humble and receptive to the gospel, but I think in most cases their hearts are just too hard to even give us a chance, and none of them are likely to be interested in the Word of Wisdom. If our less-than-stellar success at tracting today is any indication, this is going to be a long two years.
I got stuck with a lousy senior companion too. Elder Tano's a nice enough guy I guess, but his heart's not in the work and he's not very good at following mission rules. He just got transferred here from Mos Espa, where he got in big trouble for betting on the Podraces, which aren't even legal anymore. I'm not sure why they didn't send him home. But if I had to guess, I'd say it's because keeping him on Tatooine is a much worse punishment.
This apartment they hooked us up with is a dump too. I swept away the sand but half an hour later it was back again. I guess that's to be expected anywhere on the planet, but they could have given us a bit more space. I think we're actually in retrofitted slave quarters. It isn't fit for -
[unidentified voice, indistinct]
Huh? Just recording in my holo-diary.
[unidentified voice, indistinct]
Because the prophet has told us to keep a journal.
[unidentified voice, indistinct]
Well I'm sorry it's annoying you, but what else am I supposed to do for a journal? When was the last time you saw any paper in this galaxy? And you're not supposed to be in bed yet anyway.
[unidentified voice, indistinct]
Watch your mouth, Elder! Look, I'll finish this entry some other time. Obviously I need to resolve a few things around here first.
7/6
So, Elder Tano wanted me to do all my holo-recording outside, but we're supposed to stay in the same room at all times and I think people like him are the reason that rule was invented. I finally agreed to just buy him earplugs since it isn't worth the fuss. Dragging him out of bed this morning was worse than pulling ears off a gundark, but now that I'm over the ship-lag and the culture shock, I have a better attitude about this whole thing. This is where the Lord wants me so I'm going to make the best of it. All these people are children of God – even the really ugly ones. And some of them must be golden investigators. They just don't realize it yet.
Finding them will be tricky, because the few spaceports like these are havens for those who do not wish to be found. We're not having any success yet, but it's only the second day so I can be patient. Really, it's become clear that Elder Tano is the one who's going to be exasperating. He wanted to go to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. I told him he could waste time when his mission was over, and he said we were wasting our time anyway and it only took one of us to knock on doors. He doesn't even try. If he knocks on a door and doesn't get an answer within a few seconds, he just says, "Door is locked, move on to the next one." I feel like he doesn't want to actually deal with anybody.
7/9
Still no luck tracting, and I'm getting discouraged, but I try to have a positive attitude and look at everything through spiritual eyes, to have a new hope. Even on this barren wasteland of a planet, Alma's words ring true; indeed, "all things denote there is a God". Take this gorgeous twin sunset, for instance. Science tells us it's impossible for planets to form in orbit around a binary star, due to its deep gravity well, but guess what? Christians 1, Atheists 0.
7/11
Today a Jawa stole my holo-diary and I had to chase him all the way out of town to his sandcrawler. When I cornered him, he insisted that he'd thought someone had "lost" it, and that it's my own problem if I'm careless enough to leave my things lying around for more than five seconds. At least, I think that's what he said. I didn't understand a word of his jabbering so he had to use a lot of gestures. Note to self: look up "Utinni" in a dictionary. He says that a lot.
The other Jawas in the sandcrawler seemed really curious and interested in us, but we couldn't exactly teach the discussions in their language. I decided we should try to come back when they'd found a protocol droid who could translate for us, before they got a chance to sell it. I can't help but think that Jawa stealing my holo-diary might turn out to be a hidden blessing. Maybe we've found our golden investigators. Hey, they don't smell great, but at least they're sober.
7/13
Besides the Jawas, we haven't gotten a single foot in a single door, so President Shrike said we could take a landspeeder and try some of the outlying settlements. When the gospel was first restored it spread really quickly among farmers and menial laborers. So I figured maybe the same would apply here.
I was right – sort of. We got mixed results from the first family of moisture farmers we met. The husband didn't seem happy to see us at all, and he was probably about to slam the door, but his sweet wife insisted on letting us in and bringing us delicious blue milk. We gave the first discussion with him rolling his eyes and her staring at us with wide-eyed fascination. Their nephew was there, too, but he just kind of sulked in the corner. There's something intriguing about him. I get the feeling he's really unsatisfied with his life here, that he's missing something inside. The gospel is the perfect thing to fill that emptiness.
I just wish I wasn't so bad with names. It makes things kind of awkward. The kid had a really unique and memorable name, too. His last name was "Starkiller", or something like that, and his first name was from the New Testament or something... Matthew? No. Mark? No. John? Ah, fetch, I'll just have to record it next time.
7/15
Elder Tano suggested we give the city another try, since there are people coming and going all the time and we might find someone more receptive this time. As soon as we got there, though, he wanted to go to the cantina. He said some people spend all their time there and we'd never meet them otherwise. He's right, but how stupid does he think I am? At best, he wants to listen to the Modal Nodes, which is against mission rules. At worst, he wants to get stoned, which is also against mission rules. So I said no. He was kind of upset about that. Well, let him be upset. I'm kind of upset about having him as a companion.
7/16
Elder Tano kept pestering me about going to town, so I relented, but I made sure we stayed away from the cantina. We ended up near one of the docking bays and actually found someone who would talk to us for more than thirty seconds, but apparently he just wanted to make fun of us. He was a wisecracking smuggler with a Wookiee copilot, and after listening to the part of the first discussion with a bemused expression he interrupted and told us that he'd been from one side of this galaxy to the other and seen a lot of strange stuff, but nothing to make him belief some all-powerful God controls his destiny.
I said he must have faith in something, noting that his ship was a piece of junk and that he had to trust that it wouldn't fall apart in space. Elder Tano retorted that there was a difference between faith and stupidity. The smuggler flipped out and started going on about how it's a great ship and he made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs, and so on. I stopped listening because I realized two things: that we weren't going to get anywhere with this guy, and that he has delusions of grandeur. The poor idiot doesn't even realize that parsecs are a unit of distance, not time.
The Wookiee looked like he was more interested, but we couldn't talk to him without the smuggler's help, and that guy was in no mood to cooperate. Besides, the Wookiee seemed to be too much of a follower and probably wouldn't do anything without his approval anyway. I pity both of them. They'll never amount to anything. They'll be lucky if that ship can even get them off this planet one more time.
7/17
We actually got someone else to talk with us, but he was just looking for an argument too, and he was a lot less pleasant about it. He gave us a hard time about the Church not letting black people have the priesthood until 22 BBY. Why the heck does he care? There are only, like, five black people in the galaxy anyway.
7/18
We met with the moisture farmer family again and challenged them to be baptized. I know we're supposed to "invite" people to be baptized, not "challenge" them, but it kind of is a challenge on this planet seeing as there's no large enough areas of standing water. I suggested they could set aside ten percent of their vaporator harvest every day until they had enough. The husband got really upset about that idea so we decided not to push the baptism thing quite yet.
Then we used the ten percent idea to segue into a lesson about tithing. The husband got really mad about that, especially when I read the scripture in D&C that says "He that is tithed shall not be burned". He said he can take care of himself and doesn't need that kind of protection. What a grouch! Why does he take everything so personally? I feel like there's something slightly dysfunctional about this family and he's under a lot of stress for some reason. I wanted to ask about his nephew's father, but something told me that wasn't a good idea.
7/19
Today, while we were driving, Elder Tano tried to bulls-eye some womp rats. Never mind why he has a gun – what I want to know is, how could he do such a thing? What kind of sick monster abuses God's creatures like that?
7/21
We're still alternating between the city and the outlying settlements. I thought that was a waste of time and we should just focus on the settlements, but Elder Tano's idea, if not his motives, turned out to be right for once. Today we finally found someone who would listen to our message and take it seriously. He was a strange old man in a robe, buying something in the marketplace, and he agreed to let us come to his house and talk.
Once we arrived at his house, which was way out in the Dune Sea, we realized that he was probably just really lonely and desperate for anyone to talk to. But he listened intently anyway. He has this strange piercing gaze that's both compelling and unnerving, if that makes sense. I feel like he knows more about us than he lets on, somehow. But I was afraid to ask.
7/23
Today I turned my back on Elder Tano for a minute and he disappeared. It didn't take me long to figure out where he'd gone, and sure enough, there he was in the cantina drinking shots with a Rodian. I dragged him out, kicking and protesting all the while that Greedo bought him a shot first. Somehow I find that hard to believe. Anyway, of course I had to tell President Shrike what had happened, but still he isn't getting sent home. Weird.
7/25
We wanted to visit the moisture farmers again, but I felt like the husband might need a few more days to calm down. So we went to see the old man again instead. To be honest, I was secretly really glad about all the time it took to drive out there, because staring at the endless waves of sand is about as productive as knocking on doors in Mos Eisley, and less discouraging.
This time the old man decided to teach us a lesson about the ways of the Force. That's when I realized he's a little messed up in the head, which explains a lot. The suns probably baked his brains years ago. He must be the only person in the galaxy who doesn't realize the Jedi have been extinct for almost twenty years. I asked him why he was telling us all this now, and he said he was "just practicing". Is he going to be a Jedi missionary or something?
We tried to draw a connection between the Force and the Holy Ghost or the priesthood - it was difficult, because we're mostly trained to teach people with a Christian background, but I took a "Gospel and Galactic Religions" institute class that really helped. The Holy Ghost and the priesthood, I tried to explain, are superior because they can't be used by the dark side and don't rely on freakish little creatures in your cells. But he was in his own little world and not really listening. Before we left he tried to do a Jedi mind trick and make us forget the whole conversation. Silly old man – everyone knows mind tricks don't work on Hutts, Toydarians, or Mormons.
7/26
That same Jawa stole my holo-diary again, but I didn't mind this time, because when we got back to the sandcrawler we found that they had a protocol droid this time. I don't think it was quite the droid we were looking for, because it was rather prissy and whiny and annoying, but it got the job done. The Jawas insisted on going through all six first lessons and by the time we were done they were so enthusiastic they presented us with a pile of useless mechanical parts as tithing. At least they don't have a problem with it.
We talked about baptism, but again the dilemma of water presented itself. The Jawas asked if the oil bath for their droids would suffice, but we had to tell them no. It was heartbreaking. But we'll figure this out somehow. I asked President Shrike why there isn't a solution to this issue in place already, and he said it's because no one on Tatooine has ever been baptized. Oh.
7/27
There were a lot of stormtroopers in Mos Eisley today. What's going on? We tried to engage one in conversation while he was off-duty, but he said he didn't want to talk to Latter-day Saints. He was only interested in Druids.
7/28
The Jawas, despite their enthusiasm, didn't show up to our appointment today. I hope they're all right. We went to check on the old man again, but he wasn't home. We were going to see the moisture farmers when President Shrike called and told us to get back to the city and stay there. He said the Sand People have been acting up a lot today and it's not safe.
But the city wasn't safe today either, apparently. I didn't catch all the details, but somebody was wounded in the cantina and Elder Tano's drinking buddy died. I knew we needed to stay away from there. Then there was some kind of firefight in the docking bay where a bunch of stormtroopers died trying to stop a freighter from taking off, which of course they failed at because they shoot like, well, stormtroopers. But after that we decided to just stay in our apartment and study.
7/29
Still no word from the Jawas or the old man, but when we went to visit the moisture farmers... wow. I'm still speechless. Curse those Sand People. Why do they do these things? How would they like it if someone killed them and destroyed their homes? Sorry, I shouldn't think about things like that. I'm just so angry.
Anyway, there was nothing we could do but try to tidy up the remains. Then it hit us – everyone who was investigating the Church is now missing and/or dead. I think maybe we should stay in our apartment again tomorrow. Then, maybe next week, we'll give the smuggler and the Wookiee another try. Oh joy. You know, sometimes it seems like everything is going according to the Lord's plan, and then it all implodes. Is that according to the Lord's plan too, or is it just something we did wrong? Probably the latter. With Elder Tano around it's a wonder we aren't being smitten with sandstorms everywhere we go.
Oh, and word on the street is that Alderaan's suddenly gone. I don't know how these rumors get started. The entire Imperial star fleet couldn't destroy a planet.
7/30
We stayed in our apartment today but couldn't avoid the commotion outside. Apparently the Empire had some kind of doomsday weapon and the Rebellion just blew it up. Everyone in town was chattering about it, but I knew better than to ask for too many details. We're not supposed to talk about politics. I'll just say that millions of innocent stormtroopers, technicians are so on are in the spirit world now, and they'll have a chance to hear the gospel that they were blinded to in mortality.
7/31
Something else has blown up – my heart. I just got a holo-tape from my girlfriend Bria. Or should I say, ex-girlfriend. Here I am serving the Lord and she dumps me for some scruffy-looking nerf herder. Why don't girls ever go for the nice guys? They always fall for smugglers and pirates, just because they've got charisma or something.
Oh well, I shouldn't complain. Folks around here have it a lot worse than me – they live on Tatooine, for Sith's sake. But right now, especially, everybody's panicking. The regional governor, Grand Moff Tarkin, is dead, and they're worried that the Empire will strike back. With this kind of unrest brewing I don't feel safe in the streets, but maybe it will make them more receptive to the gospel.
8/3
Work has been as slow as ever around here since all of our golden contacts disappeared, and we couldn't even find the smuggler or the Wookiee, but today we received a referral from someone ordering a free King James Bible. When we brought it to the address, we discovered that this referral lives in Jabba's palace. I did not want to go in there. If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably go insane. But Elder Tano was all gung-ho about it, and thrilled that finally something exciting was happening.
I was surprised to find that he knows Huttese - I don't want to know where he learned it. So he did all the talking, and got us past the weird robotic eyeball out front, and then persuaded the Gamorrean guards and creepy Twi'lek guy to leave us alone. We were just standing there inside the entrance when our referral stepped out of the shadows and introduced himself. He was a B'omarr monk. It makes sense, I guess, since the palace used to be one of their monasteries, but I'm not sure why they still hang around. It's not exactly the most spiritual or reverent place anymore.
We gave him the Bible and then talked for a while. I think we can find a lot of common ground between our belief systems. One thing that troubles me, though, is the need to teach him that our bodies are temples. He obviously doesn't think highly of his own body since he had his brain cut out of it and placed in a mechanical spider.
8/4
We went back to see the B'omarr monk again. Big mistake. This time the Twi'lek insisted on taking us to see Jabba himself, and with the Gamorreans breathing down our necks we were in no position to refuse. So there we were, standing in front of a corpulent foul-smelling slug with an immodestly dressed dancing girl chained to him, trying to explain our purpose here. It was going well until Jabba suddenly interrupted and asked Elder Tano if he had ever bet on a Podrace. Elder Tano said no and that he must be mistaken, but Jabba persisted, said Elder Tano still owed him money, and then opened a trapdoor under his feet. I felt a spiritual prompting and jumped back just in time, but Elder Tano was eaten by a rancor. I guess that's one reason why gambling is bad for you.
I don't remember much of what happened next. I just know that I ran and ran and ran without stopping, and somehow found my way outside. Then it started to dawn on me what had just happened – Jabba the Hutt had murdered a representative of the Lord. Okay, so the guy brought it on himself, but still. I had the idea to shake the dust off my shoes at the palace (and there was a lot of it) like it says in Doctrine and Covenants. I think it's mostly a symbolic thing, though, and won't have any tangible effect in mortality. Lots of people have tried to kill Jabba but he's pretty much invincible.
May the Force be with you, Elder Tano, and may I finally get a decent companion.
8/5
Today President Shrike decided that due to all the goings-on lately, instead of assigning me a new companion, he's going to transfer me to another planet entirely. I'm excited about that. I'm tired of the sand and the heat and the dry air, and it's not like any investigators are going to miss me. Well, the B'omarr monk might be disappointed, but I wouldn't be going back there any time soon anyway. Even a missionary's dedication has its limits.
I have no idea what to expect in my next area, though. I've never even heard of Geonosis.
[end of recording]
Tune in on Stardate 41153.7 and read about Elder Lemli's two-year mission to proselytize a strange new world, to seek out incomplete lives and start new congregations, to boldly go where no church presence has been established before.
Main Page: Short Stories by C. Randall Nicholson
