From an old blog post of January 10, 2014. I saw this guy again during Common Hour shortly before Valentine's Day 2015. Much of his routine was the same but it was shortened due to time constraints and most of the risque bits had been toned down or omitted altogether. That evening he also hosted a speed dating event, which gave me a sore throat from talking more in a couple hours than I usually do in a week. It was an interesting experience but didn't actually accomplish anything so I'm not sure what the point was.
Review of "Dating Doctor David Coleman"
By C. Randall Nicholson
This guy was one of the featured events of back-to-school week. Notwithstanding I knew it would be fascinating stuff, at first I hadn't planned on going because dating is not and never has been a real priority in my life, I had another thing in the same time slot that seemed more important, and when I checked out his website to see where he gets off proclaiming himself a "Dating Doctor" it had a bunch of dirty pickup lines and stuff. But as events and circumstances turned out I ended up going anyway. The other thing fell through and I came to realize, somewhat forcefully, that talking to women without making them hate me could be an important life skill. I decided not to worry about the dirty stuff because after all, I'm the kind of person who sometimes gleans spiritual insights from militant atheists.
It was indeed fascinating. I should have taken notes. I guess I didn't bother committing all the stuff to memory because if I actually put it into action and tried harder it would make failure all the more hurtful. Bad attitude, I know, but it keeps me safe. First of all, it turns out he uses the pickup lines as examples of what not to say, but he still says several of them to get laughs, so he has his cake and eats it too.
One intriguing part was when the floor had opened for questions and this guy asked "What does it mean when a girl says such-and-such a thing?" And before Mr. Coleman could call on someone to answer this girl popped up and said "It means such-and-such a thing." The room burst into applause and she looked very pleased with herself. And I thought, "But that's so obvious. Even I knew that, which means it has to be the most obvious thing in the world." I guess other people are so good at understanding the complicated things with regard to this topic that they inadvertently complicate the simple things.
One awkward part was when he started to describe a certain technique of hugging women that really turns them on. There were risque bits scattered throughout the presentation and as this was somewhat near the end, I didn't know how far he was going to go with it and I started to panic a little inside, not so much out of a sense of moral objection as out of a sense that sex is gross. I oriented myself just a bit more toward the exit. He concluded, "Now, notice that most of the women in this room have stopped breathing." The raucous laughter which followed was an apparent confirmation of this observation, but I didn't join in because I was a little distracted. I'd noticed that I'd stopped breathing, too. Oops.
One of the most useful parts for me was the description of why girls don't like "nice guys". I already knew that "nice" was a code word for unattractive and uninteresting, because I read a forum comment where some girl said "'Nice' is a code word for unattractive and uninteresting." As far as I understand it I have all the reputation and disadvantages of being a "nice guy", notwithstanding anyone who reads a few of my blog posts will quickly figure out that I'm really not that nice after all. But I digress. The useful thing was that Mr. Coleman provided a list of reasons why "nice guys" lose out to "bad boys", and one of the things that caught my attention was that "nice guys" treat all women the same and put them on a pedestal.
I try not to put them on a pedestal. I know that's unhealthy. But I end up doing it anyway. Actually, I don't treat all women the same. Some of them, through their varying personalities or circumstances of meeting me or whatever, bring out different aspects of me, not because I'm consciously tailoring myself to the situation but because it just kind of naturally happens. Perhaps I could enlist one of them to help me dispel any ideas that I'm a "nice guy". "Danielle, could you come hang out with me for a while and let these other women see me being snarky and sarcastic to you?" In a friendly way, of course. I would never be deliberately rude to the wonderful person who volunteered to use her day off of work to drive me to the airport.
"Now," he continued, "I'm not saying you should go around being a jerk to every woman on campus and then go to the one and say 'Look, I pissed off all these other women to show how much I love you.'" It was good to have that clarified. But what, then, should I do to not treat all women the same? Should I stop giving them right-of-way? Stop holding doors for them? Stop shoveling their driveways? Should I pretend to be something I'm not, or actually become something I'm not, so as not to be deceitful? I pondered this mystery long and hard, but I think I discovered a clue. After the event I saw a bunch of women struggling to push big stacks of chairs out the door. The old me would have rushed to help, but the new me pretended not to notice. It's a small start but I can tell I'm going to be attractive in no time.
Perhaps the most poignant advice came at the beginning of the presentation. "If you tell yourself that someone is 'out of your league'," he said, "then they are. This stops now. Turn, point at the person next to you, and say it - 'This stops now.'" He also said "If you wouldn't want to date yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? Repeat - 'I would so date me.'" Now that I think about it, it brings to mind one unusual incident in my high school days. I was a freshman crushing hard on a senior (whom, of course, I had placed on a pedestal) and confided this in another guy who'd already graduated. He said "Dude, aren't you WAY the **** out of her league?" I pretended to misunderstand, so he clarified, "No, YOU are out of HER league." And I still didn't believe it but it was nice that someone thought so, though I prefer the rare opinion of another long-distance friend that "Leagues are ridiculous". And would I, in fact, date me? I really don't know. There would be so many strange and unpredictable factors at work in any scenario that would cause that to happen; presumably someone else would be me and I would be someone else. So I don't know.
We also learned how to make "Johari squares" or whatever they're called. I don't trust their accuracy because I'm pretty sure I don't see myself as a tiger. Or do I, deep down? Perhaps, as Marianne Williamson wrote, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Afterward, he generously took another forty-five minutes or so to answer the questions from people who came up to him. I was second-to-last. I asked the girl behind me if she wanted to go first and she said no, that was all right. When it was actually my turn I asked if she was sure, she said yes, but Dr. Coleman said "Let her go first. Ladies first." And I wondered, okay, but wouldn't that make me a "nice guy"? Anyway, he quickly redirected her to his fiancee for her question, which was this: "People tell me I send out vibes of being interested whether I am or not. How can I fix this?" I should have told her not to feel bad, because as far as I can tell at least half the girls in the Western hemisphere have that same problem.
Then he looked at me as if to say "Dang it kid, I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker", I asked him my question, he gave me an answer I didn't want to hear that was probably true, and that was that. I went home a little wiser, at least in theory.
It was indeed fascinating. I should have taken notes. I guess I didn't bother committing all the stuff to memory because if I actually put it into action and tried harder it would make failure all the more hurtful. Bad attitude, I know, but it keeps me safe. First of all, it turns out he uses the pickup lines as examples of what not to say, but he still says several of them to get laughs, so he has his cake and eats it too.
One intriguing part was when the floor had opened for questions and this guy asked "What does it mean when a girl says such-and-such a thing?" And before Mr. Coleman could call on someone to answer this girl popped up and said "It means such-and-such a thing." The room burst into applause and she looked very pleased with herself. And I thought, "But that's so obvious. Even I knew that, which means it has to be the most obvious thing in the world." I guess other people are so good at understanding the complicated things with regard to this topic that they inadvertently complicate the simple things.
One awkward part was when he started to describe a certain technique of hugging women that really turns them on. There were risque bits scattered throughout the presentation and as this was somewhat near the end, I didn't know how far he was going to go with it and I started to panic a little inside, not so much out of a sense of moral objection as out of a sense that sex is gross. I oriented myself just a bit more toward the exit. He concluded, "Now, notice that most of the women in this room have stopped breathing." The raucous laughter which followed was an apparent confirmation of this observation, but I didn't join in because I was a little distracted. I'd noticed that I'd stopped breathing, too. Oops.
One of the most useful parts for me was the description of why girls don't like "nice guys". I already knew that "nice" was a code word for unattractive and uninteresting, because I read a forum comment where some girl said "'Nice' is a code word for unattractive and uninteresting." As far as I understand it I have all the reputation and disadvantages of being a "nice guy", notwithstanding anyone who reads a few of my blog posts will quickly figure out that I'm really not that nice after all. But I digress. The useful thing was that Mr. Coleman provided a list of reasons why "nice guys" lose out to "bad boys", and one of the things that caught my attention was that "nice guys" treat all women the same and put them on a pedestal.
I try not to put them on a pedestal. I know that's unhealthy. But I end up doing it anyway. Actually, I don't treat all women the same. Some of them, through their varying personalities or circumstances of meeting me or whatever, bring out different aspects of me, not because I'm consciously tailoring myself to the situation but because it just kind of naturally happens. Perhaps I could enlist one of them to help me dispel any ideas that I'm a "nice guy". "Danielle, could you come hang out with me for a while and let these other women see me being snarky and sarcastic to you?" In a friendly way, of course. I would never be deliberately rude to the wonderful person who volunteered to use her day off of work to drive me to the airport.
"Now," he continued, "I'm not saying you should go around being a jerk to every woman on campus and then go to the one and say 'Look, I pissed off all these other women to show how much I love you.'" It was good to have that clarified. But what, then, should I do to not treat all women the same? Should I stop giving them right-of-way? Stop holding doors for them? Stop shoveling their driveways? Should I pretend to be something I'm not, or actually become something I'm not, so as not to be deceitful? I pondered this mystery long and hard, but I think I discovered a clue. After the event I saw a bunch of women struggling to push big stacks of chairs out the door. The old me would have rushed to help, but the new me pretended not to notice. It's a small start but I can tell I'm going to be attractive in no time.
Perhaps the most poignant advice came at the beginning of the presentation. "If you tell yourself that someone is 'out of your league'," he said, "then they are. This stops now. Turn, point at the person next to you, and say it - 'This stops now.'" He also said "If you wouldn't want to date yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? Repeat - 'I would so date me.'" Now that I think about it, it brings to mind one unusual incident in my high school days. I was a freshman crushing hard on a senior (whom, of course, I had placed on a pedestal) and confided this in another guy who'd already graduated. He said "Dude, aren't you WAY the **** out of her league?" I pretended to misunderstand, so he clarified, "No, YOU are out of HER league." And I still didn't believe it but it was nice that someone thought so, though I prefer the rare opinion of another long-distance friend that "Leagues are ridiculous". And would I, in fact, date me? I really don't know. There would be so many strange and unpredictable factors at work in any scenario that would cause that to happen; presumably someone else would be me and I would be someone else. So I don't know.
We also learned how to make "Johari squares" or whatever they're called. I don't trust their accuracy because I'm pretty sure I don't see myself as a tiger. Or do I, deep down? Perhaps, as Marianne Williamson wrote, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Afterward, he generously took another forty-five minutes or so to answer the questions from people who came up to him. I was second-to-last. I asked the girl behind me if she wanted to go first and she said no, that was all right. When it was actually my turn I asked if she was sure, she said yes, but Dr. Coleman said "Let her go first. Ladies first." And I wondered, okay, but wouldn't that make me a "nice guy"? Anyway, he quickly redirected her to his fiancee for her question, which was this: "People tell me I send out vibes of being interested whether I am or not. How can I fix this?" I should have told her not to feel bad, because as far as I can tell at least half the girls in the Western hemisphere have that same problem.
Then he looked at me as if to say "Dang it kid, I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker", I asked him my question, he gave me an answer I didn't want to hear that was probably true, and that was that. I went home a little wiser, at least in theory.