Asexuality / Heteromanticism
Facebook group: Asexual/Aromantic Umbrella Mormons
Note: If you are squeamish about candid yet (hopefully) tasteful discussions of sexual issues, don't read this. Some parts culled from an old "coming out" blog post of January 31, 2015, which was one of my most popular (insert your own quip about that not saying a lot here; you aren't wrong).
"Men only have one thing on their minds." "Men think about sex every seven seconds." "Men's brains are between their legs." And so on and so forth. You've all heard it. Setting aside for the moment the special kind of incoherent hell that a man's mind would be if he thought about anything every seven seconds, and how incapable that man would be of performing the simplest of tasks, let alone driving a car or performing brain surgery, the basic point is that men are obsessed with sex. Not "many men", not "most men", just "men". And some of them don't even like women, but they're still obsessed with sex, because they're men. Man = obsessed with sex. Got it?
Society has been drilling this into my head for years, and telling me by implication that I'm not a man, or at least not much of one, because I would rather get a root canal than have sex. Actually, I could write a forty-page list of things that I'd rather do than have sex. I am not now and never have been the slightest bit interested in sex, and at this point the chances that I ever will be seem virtually nonexistent. I find the concept downright repulsive. For me, it would be an unwelcome emotional and physical violation in the same way that rape is for normal people. On top of that, I'm not comfortable with the thought of the critical thinking part of my brain being overridden by sex hormones (which is literally what happens, and where the word "horny" comes from.)
I am one of a small percentage of the population that most of the rest of the population doesn't acknowledge the existence of. I'm asexual (not to be confused with organisms that reproduce without having sex).
I prefer to focus on what I am, though rather than what I'm not, so I prefer the term "heteromantic" because I still like girls. Some asexual people have zero interest in the opposite (or same) sex, but I'm not one of those. That puts me into kind of an awkward situation, though, because contrary to popular belief, and society's pornographic mindset that sex exists for male pleasure, women enjoy sex too. And it will be very difficult to find a woman who would be willing to marry me but never have sex. Granted, I might end up doing it out of love just to please her. Some asexual people do and it works out fine for that. But I'd much rather die a virgin if I can help it. And that's just one more reason why dating sucks. I'm not anti-marriage; marriage is anti-me.
All I really want physically from a woman is to hold her tight, neck-to-neck, preferably with clothes on, and rub her back and run my fingers through her hair. Kissing is all right too. Does that make me sound sweet? If so, great, but I can't take any credit. It's just the way I'm wired. Of course, sex is the process whereby humans and most of the rest of the animal kingdom have perpetuated themselves for millions of years (because despite being extremely inefficient and wasteful, it increases genetic diversity), so from a biological standpoint something is as wrong with me as it could possibly be. One can debate whether autism is a flaw or just a difference, but from a biological standpoint, asexuality is the easiest way to remove yourself from the gene pool. Easiest because it doesn't require you to die or be unattractive. Well played, nature, well played.
Anyway, for that reason I understand that I will always be in a minority and I don't mind that, as long as people realize that minority even exists. All I really want in terms of treatment or privilege or whatever is to be acknowledged, and not be bombarded with the message that my masculinity is contingent on being obsessed with sex. Whenever I've explained this to people (when it's relevant - I don't go around just telling everybody for no reason), they're just like "Oh, okay" as they grasp the heretofore unconsidered but simple enough concept that those hormones just aren't there. The only people who refuse to accept it are my parents. They think that asexuality is a "buzzword" and that I'm totally normal and should just call myself "chaste" or "celibate". I guess either of those words would work if they didn't mean something totally different.
"Men only have one thing on their minds." "Men think about sex every seven seconds." "Men's brains are between their legs." And so on and so forth. You've all heard it. Setting aside for the moment the special kind of incoherent hell that a man's mind would be if he thought about anything every seven seconds, and how incapable that man would be of performing the simplest of tasks, let alone driving a car or performing brain surgery, the basic point is that men are obsessed with sex. Not "many men", not "most men", just "men". And some of them don't even like women, but they're still obsessed with sex, because they're men. Man = obsessed with sex. Got it?
Society has been drilling this into my head for years, and telling me by implication that I'm not a man, or at least not much of one, because I would rather get a root canal than have sex. Actually, I could write a forty-page list of things that I'd rather do than have sex. I am not now and never have been the slightest bit interested in sex, and at this point the chances that I ever will be seem virtually nonexistent. I find the concept downright repulsive. For me, it would be an unwelcome emotional and physical violation in the same way that rape is for normal people. On top of that, I'm not comfortable with the thought of the critical thinking part of my brain being overridden by sex hormones (which is literally what happens, and where the word "horny" comes from.)
I am one of a small percentage of the population that most of the rest of the population doesn't acknowledge the existence of. I'm asexual (not to be confused with organisms that reproduce without having sex).
I prefer to focus on what I am, though rather than what I'm not, so I prefer the term "heteromantic" because I still like girls. Some asexual people have zero interest in the opposite (or same) sex, but I'm not one of those. That puts me into kind of an awkward situation, though, because contrary to popular belief, and society's pornographic mindset that sex exists for male pleasure, women enjoy sex too. And it will be very difficult to find a woman who would be willing to marry me but never have sex. Granted, I might end up doing it out of love just to please her. Some asexual people do and it works out fine for that. But I'd much rather die a virgin if I can help it. And that's just one more reason why dating sucks. I'm not anti-marriage; marriage is anti-me.
All I really want physically from a woman is to hold her tight, neck-to-neck, preferably with clothes on, and rub her back and run my fingers through her hair. Kissing is all right too. Does that make me sound sweet? If so, great, but I can't take any credit. It's just the way I'm wired. Of course, sex is the process whereby humans and most of the rest of the animal kingdom have perpetuated themselves for millions of years (because despite being extremely inefficient and wasteful, it increases genetic diversity), so from a biological standpoint something is as wrong with me as it could possibly be. One can debate whether autism is a flaw or just a difference, but from a biological standpoint, asexuality is the easiest way to remove yourself from the gene pool. Easiest because it doesn't require you to die or be unattractive. Well played, nature, well played.
Anyway, for that reason I understand that I will always be in a minority and I don't mind that, as long as people realize that minority even exists. All I really want in terms of treatment or privilege or whatever is to be acknowledged, and not be bombarded with the message that my masculinity is contingent on being obsessed with sex. Whenever I've explained this to people (when it's relevant - I don't go around just telling everybody for no reason), they're just like "Oh, okay" as they grasp the heretofore unconsidered but simple enough concept that those hormones just aren't there. The only people who refuse to accept it are my parents. They think that asexuality is a "buzzword" and that I'm totally normal and should just call myself "chaste" or "celibate". I guess either of those words would work if they didn't mean something totally different.
