This is a chapter taken from ...I Thee Wed written by Rex A. and Knell S. Skidmore in 1956. I was pleasantly surprised to see that Mormons sixty years ago were more candid about sex than Mormons today. This is probably because the decreasing standards of the world have forced us to go on the defensive, and as a result sex has become so dirty and taboo in our culture that even when it is discussed in a wholesome and uplifting context, it is inappropriately labeled with the euphemism “intimacy”. As one unable to view sex with anything other than revulsion, this chapter depresses me a little, but I think it would be benefit Mormons preparing for marriage and save them a lot of potential awkwardness.
Affection in Marriage
A man and woman usually enter marriage very much in love. They want to be with each other and share each other in nearly every way. A touch of the hand or a wink of the eye may bring a romantic thrill and a “pounding heart.” Affection between them is personal and important.
Within the sanctity of marriage, society gives the "green light" to the display of affection; in fact, it recognizes that affection is one of the real resources within the marital bond. Without affection the marriage may wither and die or at least turn into a humdrum existence lacking in color and interest. With affection expressed and enjoyed by husband and wife, a deep glow may permeate the marriage and bring happiness to both. Affection in one sense is a personal witness to the closeness of the two, an indication that love is holding sway and all is right with the world.
Some brides and grooms, and even husbands and wives who have been married for some time, harbor misconceptions regarding physical affection within the bonds of marriage. Yet this is one of the important aspects of living together – not all important as a few claim – but still important. With the proper attitudes and attention, affectionate mates may unlock the door to each other's inner feelings – precious in every regard. The right key or combination is very rewarding; the opposite invites tension and heartbreaks.
First in importance is the attitude toward love-making in marriage. There are, of course, many kinds and degrees of affection. Although husbands and wives vary somewhat in regard to affectional needs, nevertheless, most like to be kissed and held closely at least a few times a day, especially at times of parting. In addition, words of endearment should be expressed. Both husband and wife need to be told – often – how much they are loved and mean to their mate. This builds security and unity and brings contentment and a glow within. Wanting to love and be loved is so important.
Between husband and wife sexual relations, the most intimate kind of affection, is a desirable resource. Although the main function of physical union may be for bringing children into the world, nevertheless it serves in other ways to bring meaning to marriage. Husband and wife may attain a oneness physically that unites them in other ways. The sex relation within marriage is a personal witness of the love of two people who have promised their trust and help to each other. As such it strengthens the marriage, bringing joy and security.
Sexual union within the sanctity of marriage is not wrong, as some claim; it is not something that "has to be endured." The sex urge is God-given and is in man and woman for important purposes within marriage. Intelligent mates understand that intimate union between them is something sacred, beautiful, and meaningful, and may strengthen the marriage in many ways. Dr. James E. Talmage, in The Marriage Institution, explains: "Inasmuch as the union of the sexes is the only way by which perpetuity of the race is possible, such union is essentially as beneficent as it is necessary. Lawful, that is to say righteous association of the sexes is an uplifting and ennobling function to the participants, and the heritage of earth-life to pre-existent spirits who are thereby advanced to the mortal state."
Intimate physical affection should be engaged in when mutually desirable. This means that both husband and wife need to be sensitive to the delicate feelings and interests of each other. The husband who forces his attentions on his wife may gradually destroy her affection for him. Sensitivity, patience, and understanding insure satisfaction in the art of love-making.
Learning to adjust physically takes time just as adjustment in other areas takes time. Also, there is no more perfection in love-making than in other aspects of living together. Many couples take months, and some, years, to adjust adequately to each other. Others never get along very well in this regard; yet it is interesting to note that most of these persons consider their marriages successful. This emphasizes again the idea that the sex relation is not the all-important part of marriage that some claim it is.
Here are a few ideas married couples should keep in mind, to help them get along better affectionately:
1. Courtesies and "the little things" do much to develop and maintain affection between husband and wife. The wife who says, "The only time my husband is interested in me is when we go to bed" is saying that her husband is a failure as a lover. He needs to be more attentive and romantic in regard to many of the little things which can mean so much to both.
2. Men are more easily aroused than are women. This needs to be kept in mind in understanding the interests of each. At the same time, the wife, ordinarily, when once aroused, stays that way longer than does the man; the glow is slower to ebb away.
3. Simultaneous sexual climax is not so important as some claim. Psychiatrists and other experts indicate that this is a goal to work toward, but it has been greatly overemphasized. Contentment, resulting from physical oneness, tenderness, and words of endearment, is of utmost importance.
4. Some variety in show of affection between man and wife is desirable. Wise mates keep romance alive and nourish affection by special courtesies, surprises, and new ways of expressing their love. Mates who find contentment and satisfaction affectionately at home are not prone to go elsewhere to seek it.
5. There needs to be psychological preparation for love-making. Particularly does the man need to initiate romantic overtures and use words of endearment to help prepare his mate for intimate union.
6. Control is needed in marriage. Certainly a mature mate understands that physical affection is not appropriate at certain times, such as when either is ill, during the latter part of pregnancy and after delivery (most doctors suggest that couples refrain from physical union at least two months before delivery and for two months afterwards, and much longer if there are any complications) or when either is tired or depressed. Personal affection should be used to build a marriage, not to enslave or destroy it. Resentment rather than feelings of love may develop if wisdom and sensitivity are pushed aside.
If a couple are not making satisfactory adjustment in their intimate relations, there are several things they might do.
1. Both read a good book on the physical side of marriage. Oftentimes, the trouble is merely a lack of understanding and information.
2. Talk things over. The husband and wife who discuss their feelings and problems have a good chance of working them through.
3. Consult a competent medical doctor. Talking with a doctor and getting a careful physical examination is often helpful. This provides an excellent opportunity for asking personal questions and receiving accurate answers.
4. Go to another specialist. If the first three steps do not bring the desired results, then the doctor may well encourage the couple to go to a specialist who may help them with their particular problems – a marriage counselor, a psychiatrist, a geneticist, or someone else.
Most couples are able to get along satisfactorily in their physical adjustment after they have been married for some time, especially if they maintain a spontaneous and courteous attitude toward affection and each other. Affection is one of the most delicate and sensitive of all social experiences; it needs tender cultivation and use to grow and blossom. It also needs a warm, carefree attitude. Trying too hard may bring the opposite of the results desired; just like trying to force oneself to go to sleep may keep a person awake.
Affection within the bonds of matrimony is a wonderful resource for strengthening the family. If used properly, it can bring warmth, romantic glow, and unity, welding husband and wife together.
Within the sanctity of marriage, society gives the "green light" to the display of affection; in fact, it recognizes that affection is one of the real resources within the marital bond. Without affection the marriage may wither and die or at least turn into a humdrum existence lacking in color and interest. With affection expressed and enjoyed by husband and wife, a deep glow may permeate the marriage and bring happiness to both. Affection in one sense is a personal witness to the closeness of the two, an indication that love is holding sway and all is right with the world.
Some brides and grooms, and even husbands and wives who have been married for some time, harbor misconceptions regarding physical affection within the bonds of marriage. Yet this is one of the important aspects of living together – not all important as a few claim – but still important. With the proper attitudes and attention, affectionate mates may unlock the door to each other's inner feelings – precious in every regard. The right key or combination is very rewarding; the opposite invites tension and heartbreaks.
First in importance is the attitude toward love-making in marriage. There are, of course, many kinds and degrees of affection. Although husbands and wives vary somewhat in regard to affectional needs, nevertheless, most like to be kissed and held closely at least a few times a day, especially at times of parting. In addition, words of endearment should be expressed. Both husband and wife need to be told – often – how much they are loved and mean to their mate. This builds security and unity and brings contentment and a glow within. Wanting to love and be loved is so important.
Between husband and wife sexual relations, the most intimate kind of affection, is a desirable resource. Although the main function of physical union may be for bringing children into the world, nevertheless it serves in other ways to bring meaning to marriage. Husband and wife may attain a oneness physically that unites them in other ways. The sex relation within marriage is a personal witness of the love of two people who have promised their trust and help to each other. As such it strengthens the marriage, bringing joy and security.
Sexual union within the sanctity of marriage is not wrong, as some claim; it is not something that "has to be endured." The sex urge is God-given and is in man and woman for important purposes within marriage. Intelligent mates understand that intimate union between them is something sacred, beautiful, and meaningful, and may strengthen the marriage in many ways. Dr. James E. Talmage, in The Marriage Institution, explains: "Inasmuch as the union of the sexes is the only way by which perpetuity of the race is possible, such union is essentially as beneficent as it is necessary. Lawful, that is to say righteous association of the sexes is an uplifting and ennobling function to the participants, and the heritage of earth-life to pre-existent spirits who are thereby advanced to the mortal state."
Intimate physical affection should be engaged in when mutually desirable. This means that both husband and wife need to be sensitive to the delicate feelings and interests of each other. The husband who forces his attentions on his wife may gradually destroy her affection for him. Sensitivity, patience, and understanding insure satisfaction in the art of love-making.
Learning to adjust physically takes time just as adjustment in other areas takes time. Also, there is no more perfection in love-making than in other aspects of living together. Many couples take months, and some, years, to adjust adequately to each other. Others never get along very well in this regard; yet it is interesting to note that most of these persons consider their marriages successful. This emphasizes again the idea that the sex relation is not the all-important part of marriage that some claim it is.
Here are a few ideas married couples should keep in mind, to help them get along better affectionately:
1. Courtesies and "the little things" do much to develop and maintain affection between husband and wife. The wife who says, "The only time my husband is interested in me is when we go to bed" is saying that her husband is a failure as a lover. He needs to be more attentive and romantic in regard to many of the little things which can mean so much to both.
2. Men are more easily aroused than are women. This needs to be kept in mind in understanding the interests of each. At the same time, the wife, ordinarily, when once aroused, stays that way longer than does the man; the glow is slower to ebb away.
3. Simultaneous sexual climax is not so important as some claim. Psychiatrists and other experts indicate that this is a goal to work toward, but it has been greatly overemphasized. Contentment, resulting from physical oneness, tenderness, and words of endearment, is of utmost importance.
4. Some variety in show of affection between man and wife is desirable. Wise mates keep romance alive and nourish affection by special courtesies, surprises, and new ways of expressing their love. Mates who find contentment and satisfaction affectionately at home are not prone to go elsewhere to seek it.
5. There needs to be psychological preparation for love-making. Particularly does the man need to initiate romantic overtures and use words of endearment to help prepare his mate for intimate union.
6. Control is needed in marriage. Certainly a mature mate understands that physical affection is not appropriate at certain times, such as when either is ill, during the latter part of pregnancy and after delivery (most doctors suggest that couples refrain from physical union at least two months before delivery and for two months afterwards, and much longer if there are any complications) or when either is tired or depressed. Personal affection should be used to build a marriage, not to enslave or destroy it. Resentment rather than feelings of love may develop if wisdom and sensitivity are pushed aside.
If a couple are not making satisfactory adjustment in their intimate relations, there are several things they might do.
1. Both read a good book on the physical side of marriage. Oftentimes, the trouble is merely a lack of understanding and information.
2. Talk things over. The husband and wife who discuss their feelings and problems have a good chance of working them through.
3. Consult a competent medical doctor. Talking with a doctor and getting a careful physical examination is often helpful. This provides an excellent opportunity for asking personal questions and receiving accurate answers.
4. Go to another specialist. If the first three steps do not bring the desired results, then the doctor may well encourage the couple to go to a specialist who may help them with their particular problems – a marriage counselor, a psychiatrist, a geneticist, or someone else.
Most couples are able to get along satisfactorily in their physical adjustment after they have been married for some time, especially if they maintain a spontaneous and courteous attitude toward affection and each other. Affection is one of the most delicate and sensitive of all social experiences; it needs tender cultivation and use to grow and blossom. It also needs a warm, carefree attitude. Trying too hard may bring the opposite of the results desired; just like trying to force oneself to go to sleep may keep a person awake.
Affection within the bonds of matrimony is a wonderful resource for strengthening the family. If used properly, it can bring warmth, romantic glow, and unity, welding husband and wife together.
