Review of "Callahan's Crosstime Saloon" (Game)
By C. Randall Nicholson

Jake: What's that big round thing?
Josie: Boulder.
Jake: Okay. Tell me what that big round thing is, right now!

Download it here. For DOSBox games in general, see The Joys of DOSBox.

In December 2015, while my laptop was broken and I was stuck using the desktop computer my roommate had left behind after using it to run a Minecraft server, I used a flash drive to download a super old (1997) game called "Callahan's Crosstime Saloon", obviously based on the short story series by Spider Robinson (though a great deal more family-friendly). You play as Jake Stonebender, itinerant folk singer and all-around good guy, who narrates and allegedly co-authors all of the stories. He's a patron at Callahan's place, a bar in New York City where anything can happen and usually does, where people and vampires and aliens from all walks of life mingle for some quality time and horrible pun sessions. On this particular night, Jake needs to help five of them out with their problems and then cap it off by saving the universe.

I recommend it to everybody because it's hands down one of the most hilarious things I've ever played, seen, or otherwise experienced. If you don't find me funny then you probably don't think much of my sense of humor and that endorsement probably means little to you, but if so, you're wrong. In any case my hope is that you will play the game and then subconsciously associate it with me and think I'm awesome even though I had nothing to do with it. Some of the jokes are brilliant in their own right and others are so stupid they're brilliant. There are a lot of choan (cheer + groan) inducing puns, witty cultural references, and just random stuff that's funny even if I can't put my finger on why. This part falls into the latter category, but it resonates with me for some reason.

​A couple minutes later I ran into this, which in hindsight has become just a little awkward.

Game Segments

After chatting with the bar patrons and figuring out all the answers to Riddle Night, Jake has to help his friends with various problems or quests that they have, and the game is divided into various segments mimicking the short story format of the books.

Josie's Sweet Addiction

Beautiful time-traveling cop Josie Bauer convinces Jake to come with her back in time to save a rare breed of cacao tree from being wiped out by Faxon Casteroga, a pencil company. What's so special about these trees? Only that their beans, through the secret recipe of an ancient tribe, produce the most delicious chocolate the world has ever known. The journey takes Jake and Josie from the Faxon Casteroga offices in downtown New York City to the heart of the Brazilian rainforest.

Adventures of a Lovesick Vampire

Pyotr, a vampire who helps the other bar patrons avoid hangovers by removing the alcohol from their systems, is missing. It turns out he returned home to Castle Florescu in Romania to end his life because he's depressed about his lover, Sasha, marrying another man. Callahan sends Jake to talk some sense into him, leading to a lighthearted romp through an outlandishly macabre Halloween town where cannibalism and curses are just normal parts of life.

How to Be a Real Man: Squish's Dilemma

"Squish", as the alien with the unpronounceable name is called - a character exclusive to this game who fits in perfectly with the originals - reveals that his people have created a satellite to deplete the testosterone of Earth, but that he feels remorseful about this and will do everything he can to help stop it without overtly betraying them. With semi-retired Suffolk County Bomb Squad member Noah Gonzalez in tow, Jake borrows Squish's spaceship and goes up to the satellite to disable it from the inside without anyone finding out. This is probably my least favorite of the segments, as it's unusually short and lacking in interesting details or characters.

Ralph's Rescue

Ralph von Wau Wau, an unusually intelligent German Shepherd with the power of human speech, has been kidnapped by government scientists. Jake is enlisted by his deaf friend, Joe, to sneak into the government base and rescue him.

The Man Who Heard Too Much

Time traveling salesman Al Phee purchased a formula that would give him the power to read minds, believing it would give him a huge advantage, but now he can't stop hearing everything and he's in agony. Jake takes his Time Sled into the future where the formula was purchased, and needs to find a way to reach the mad scientist and persuade him to share an antidote.

The Fate of the Universe

Now, it turns out that the mysterious stranger who arrived at the bar tonight is actually a god named Parabolous who needs help convincing the other gods that this universe is worth not shutting down. He takes Jake, Josie, Pyotr, Noah, Ralph, Joe, and Al into his dimension to present their case before the judges.