Main Page: Women
The New Girls
Throughout elementary school there was always a new girl in my class at some point, who had some kind of impact on me, profound or otherwise. Since I enjoy nostalgia and found some of the stories interesting I decided to make a page about them. Keep in mind that "interesting" in this context sometimes means "disturbing to anyone else".
Kindergarten - Laura?
I don't remember what her name was. I don't think it was Laura, but it was something like that and it wasn't Lauren either. So Laura is close enough. Ah, Laura. I had a crush on her, probably my first one ever if you don't count the divine sister missionaries who tickled me and let me sit on their laps. For reasons known only to the Creator, I expressed my feelings to her with a picture of her crying while my best friend held her upside down and I kissed the soles of her bare feet. For reasons unknown to me at the time, my teacher asked me not to draw pictures like that anymore. For reasons unknown to me now, she didn't send me to a psychologist.
I have only two other memory fragments of Laura, which is a shame. You'd think, having a crush on her and all, that I'd have paid better attention. One fragment is of when her parents came to school for some activity day or something and she said to them "There's that crazy boy I told you about", upon hearing which I became confused and mildly indignant. The other is of her sitting on me under the playground set. We were playing a game and I was her table or something. You know, in those days little kids could be little kids without getting sued for harassment.
I have only two other memory fragments of Laura, which is a shame. You'd think, having a crush on her and all, that I'd have paid better attention. One fragment is of when her parents came to school for some activity day or something and she said to them "There's that crazy boy I told you about", upon hearing which I became confused and mildly indignant. The other is of her sitting on me under the playground set. We were playing a game and I was her table or something. You know, in those days little kids could be little kids without getting sued for harassment.
First Grade - ?
I'm pretty sure there was one here, but I don't remember who or what happened. Obviously the memory is so horrible I've blocked it out completely, and she's probably done the same. I'm so sorry, whoever you are.
Second Grade - Courtney
Okay, she came in on the second day of school. She still counts. Maybe I had a crush on Courtney a la Calvin and Susie, but if I did it was hidden even from myself. I do know that even though I picked on her all the time I didn't actually hate her or anything. I don't think she hated me either. I hope not. But I do remember how happy I was when I wrote "Courtney Sucks" on a piece of paper and after she, from her desk next to mine, saw it and called the teacher over to complain, the teacher told her to mind her own business and leave me alone. (This must have happened after I found out what the word "sucks" meant, because for a long time I couldn't distinguish it from "sick", which people sometimes called me, and "sex", which had made my older cousin laugh once and had to mean something interesting. And gross, as it turned out.)
The only time she really upset me was when we were sitting together at lunch (I tried to avoid her, but the whole class was confined to a certain table and she got me sometimes) and I politely informed her that her underwear was showing. She flipped out on me for looking at her underwear and called over a lunch lady who proceeded to ignore my protests and yell incoherently at me. Courtney gleefully gloated "Lunch detention!" in a singsong voice, but that never happened, probably because the lunch lady got a clue and realized I was seven years old. Oh yeah, there was another time when we actually got along. She was reading a Goosebumps book and I asked what it was and she showed me and said in a spooky voice "The Haunted Mask II". I've still never read the whole thing. I should, in memory of my good friend Courtney.
The only time she really upset me was when we were sitting together at lunch (I tried to avoid her, but the whole class was confined to a certain table and she got me sometimes) and I politely informed her that her underwear was showing. She flipped out on me for looking at her underwear and called over a lunch lady who proceeded to ignore my protests and yell incoherently at me. Courtney gleefully gloated "Lunch detention!" in a singsong voice, but that never happened, probably because the lunch lady got a clue and realized I was seven years old. Oh yeah, there was another time when we actually got along. She was reading a Goosebumps book and I asked what it was and she showed me and said in a spooky voice "The Haunted Mask II". I've still never read the whole thing. I should, in memory of my good friend Courtney.
Carrie
Oh man, oh man. This is painful to write about but it's one of the reasons I created this page. I hope that someday, somehow, she sees it.
Carrie was tall by third-grade standards, blonde, and had glasses. I gave her a granola bar one day and she ate it in class. The teacher asked "What's that in your mouth?" and she said "I'm chewing on my tongue". She refused to change her story and was sent out of the room. The teacher then explained to the rest of us that Carrie had issues at home or something and had problems with telling the truth. I just felt guilty about having given her the granola bar to begin with.
We became friends, then more than friends. We were friends with benefits. We held hands. I know it's shocking for you to read that at one point in history I had any degree of success with the ladies. Heck, it's shocking for me to write, since I had even more issues in my childhood then I do now, like nervous tics and sociopathy for starters. But love conquers all somehow. After holding hands out to the buses, I got on mine and said in a happy voice to the girl who was one of the most vocal bullies (though I was obnoxious and probably had it coming), "True or false: I'm in love with Carrie". "I hope so," she growled, saying something along the lines of how it would probably make me less obnoxious.
But then... things changed. In a bad way.
On St. Patrick's Day of 2002 she said to me "Not very much green on". She didn't even pinch me. But I was irritable that day for some reason and retorted "Who asked you, Dr. Doom?" (I'd taken the phrase "Dr. Doom" from a Calvin and Hobbes comic and knew nothing more about it.) She was probably a bit miffed but I don't remember her reaction, and it was either that day or a few days later that I said something much worse. There was this after-school "Biddy Basketball" thing going on, whatever the heck "Biddy" means, and I was going to go, unaware that playing sports and staying after school would both prove to be completely out of character for me. I was with her and some friends and they asked if I was going and I said yes. Carrie said "I'm not". They didn't like her for some reason, so when they heard this they cheered.
And I don't know what came over me, but I cheered with them.
After that, the memories end. I don't remember her getting mad at me or avoiding me in the hallway or having an awkward rest of the year. I have no idea what happened. I do know she wasn't in school the next year. Fortunately I threw up the second night of that basketball thing and missed the rest of it, so karma was faster than usual, and it's been going overboard ever since then by making sure no woman is ever interested in me again. Anyway, whenever I think about this it wracks me with guilt, and the worst part is that I can never make it right because I don't know where she is or what her last name is or even what she looks like. If anyone has any clue, or if you ever read this, Carrie, please tell me. I want to apologize sometime before I die and do whatever else it takes to make up for it, and the sooner the better.
Carrie was tall by third-grade standards, blonde, and had glasses. I gave her a granola bar one day and she ate it in class. The teacher asked "What's that in your mouth?" and she said "I'm chewing on my tongue". She refused to change her story and was sent out of the room. The teacher then explained to the rest of us that Carrie had issues at home or something and had problems with telling the truth. I just felt guilty about having given her the granola bar to begin with.
We became friends, then more than friends. We were friends with benefits. We held hands. I know it's shocking for you to read that at one point in history I had any degree of success with the ladies. Heck, it's shocking for me to write, since I had even more issues in my childhood then I do now, like nervous tics and sociopathy for starters. But love conquers all somehow. After holding hands out to the buses, I got on mine and said in a happy voice to the girl who was one of the most vocal bullies (though I was obnoxious and probably had it coming), "True or false: I'm in love with Carrie". "I hope so," she growled, saying something along the lines of how it would probably make me less obnoxious.
But then... things changed. In a bad way.
On St. Patrick's Day of 2002 she said to me "Not very much green on". She didn't even pinch me. But I was irritable that day for some reason and retorted "Who asked you, Dr. Doom?" (I'd taken the phrase "Dr. Doom" from a Calvin and Hobbes comic and knew nothing more about it.) She was probably a bit miffed but I don't remember her reaction, and it was either that day or a few days later that I said something much worse. There was this after-school "Biddy Basketball" thing going on, whatever the heck "Biddy" means, and I was going to go, unaware that playing sports and staying after school would both prove to be completely out of character for me. I was with her and some friends and they asked if I was going and I said yes. Carrie said "I'm not". They didn't like her for some reason, so when they heard this they cheered.
And I don't know what came over me, but I cheered with them.
After that, the memories end. I don't remember her getting mad at me or avoiding me in the hallway or having an awkward rest of the year. I have no idea what happened. I do know she wasn't in school the next year. Fortunately I threw up the second night of that basketball thing and missed the rest of it, so karma was faster than usual, and it's been going overboard ever since then by making sure no woman is ever interested in me again. Anyway, whenever I think about this it wracks me with guilt, and the worst part is that I can never make it right because I don't know where she is or what her last name is or even what she looks like. If anyone has any clue, or if you ever read this, Carrie, please tell me. I want to apologize sometime before I die and do whatever else it takes to make up for it, and the sooner the better.
Fourth Grade: Amanda and Patience
I had a crush on Amanda. I wasn't sure if she noticed so I made it clear once by smiling and staring obsessively at her. She responded with a bemused look. Somehow, incredibly, we also became sort of kind of like sweethearts. She rode my bus and her mom was the new bus driver (with whom I had a bit of trouble when I demanded the return of a pencil which she had taken away after other kids who hated me erroneously reported that I had been using it to stab people, thus earning the first and only detention of my life, but I digress). So yeah, that was awesome. But as we rode the bus together I noticed that the awesome new song Sk8er Boi was playing quite frequently, and it turned out to be chillingly prophetic. One day she said to me "I really do like you, it's just that you're... ugly." And that was that, but after what I'd done to Carrie, I fully deserved it. In high school we got re-acquainted and became friends.
I had a crush on Paige too, though not till fifth grade even though she showed up in fourth. In fifth grade my friends and I could see her at her lunch table, and dang she was hot. We'd try to impress her by doing stupid stuff, like when I twisted my juice box into an abstract sculpture for her and she said "Sorry, I don't speak stupid". Mostly we just watched her, though. Once on the playground a guy was strangling me for some reason and it happened to be in front of her and she said "You guys, I'm not impressed" and I was upset at her arrogance because I was legitimately being strangled. Also once on the playground, a bunch of girls followed me around chanting "You like Paige... you like Paige..." and I was like, "Yeah, so? I'm not ashamed. I'm not denying it. So I don't see what your point is. So you might as well stop. Seriously, stop. Leave me alone! Get away from me!"
The next year Paige and her best friend started a band called the Purple Stars (side note: I was told that her best friend didn't like me because she thought I had a crotch piercing. Say what?). Some friends and I started our own band briefly called the Chris-rays and later the X-rays, based on my shirt that showed ribs when it was in the sunlight. Our two bands argued and fought but nothing came of it, though it was rumored that the Purple Stars once produced a demo which has since been lost. There was a bit of tension when I drew a cartoon of Paige and her friend being old and fat, drinking beer and watching the X-rays on TV, and Paige's friend saying to her "Whatever happened to the Purple Stars?" and Paige telling her to shut up. When Paige got hold of that cartoon and I saw her showing it to a teacher, I thought my life was over. But nothing happened.
By seventh grade, both bands were a memory. I felt guilty in perhaps contributing to the Purple Stars' downfall but Paige assured me I had nothing to do with it. She's probably right, since my mockery was more idiotic than hurtful. She once said "I used to be so mean to Chris and Bob. I feel bad about being mean to Chris, but not Bob." That was great to hear, but of course I deserved having her be mean to me. I started it, after all. And her forgiveness was wholehearted. She invited me to her Halloween/birthday party twice, making her one of about five people who have ever invited me to anything.
I had a crush on Paige too, though not till fifth grade even though she showed up in fourth. In fifth grade my friends and I could see her at her lunch table, and dang she was hot. We'd try to impress her by doing stupid stuff, like when I twisted my juice box into an abstract sculpture for her and she said "Sorry, I don't speak stupid". Mostly we just watched her, though. Once on the playground a guy was strangling me for some reason and it happened to be in front of her and she said "You guys, I'm not impressed" and I was upset at her arrogance because I was legitimately being strangled. Also once on the playground, a bunch of girls followed me around chanting "You like Paige... you like Paige..." and I was like, "Yeah, so? I'm not ashamed. I'm not denying it. So I don't see what your point is. So you might as well stop. Seriously, stop. Leave me alone! Get away from me!"
The next year Paige and her best friend started a band called the Purple Stars (side note: I was told that her best friend didn't like me because she thought I had a crotch piercing. Say what?). Some friends and I started our own band briefly called the Chris-rays and later the X-rays, based on my shirt that showed ribs when it was in the sunlight. Our two bands argued and fought but nothing came of it, though it was rumored that the Purple Stars once produced a demo which has since been lost. There was a bit of tension when I drew a cartoon of Paige and her friend being old and fat, drinking beer and watching the X-rays on TV, and Paige's friend saying to her "Whatever happened to the Purple Stars?" and Paige telling her to shut up. When Paige got hold of that cartoon and I saw her showing it to a teacher, I thought my life was over. But nothing happened.
By seventh grade, both bands were a memory. I felt guilty in perhaps contributing to the Purple Stars' downfall but Paige assured me I had nothing to do with it. She's probably right, since my mockery was more idiotic than hurtful. She once said "I used to be so mean to Chris and Bob. I feel bad about being mean to Chris, but not Bob." That was great to hear, but of course I deserved having her be mean to me. I started it, after all. And her forgiveness was wholehearted. She invited me to her Halloween/birthday party twice, making her one of about five people who have ever invited me to anything.
Fifth Grade - ?
I vaguely remember this girl, but not her name. I didn't have a crush on her but we sort of became friends anyway. I just remember I got a little upset with her when we were in art class together doing those scratch-off-the-black-to-reveal-color things and she told me the wrong way to do it so mine was ruined. Really, the annoyance should have been directed toward my art teacher. She was the most compelling case I've personally encountered for why the tenure system sucks and should be abolished. At the age of a hundred twenty-three, or something like that, she was still teaching and being a miserable old hag. The worst of it for me was that I learned to hate art and had my creativity sucked away by being forced to follow rigid guidelines on every project, but my little sister was literally scared to ask where the paste was because she knew she would be yelled at.
Sixth Grade - Molli and Kayla
Molli was an interesting character. I didn't get to know her until seventh grade, when I annoyed the bejeebers out of her. Something about her just made me become a pest, although I don't think it ever went too far until that time in study hall when I pretended to have a spider in my hand and the principal yelled at me to pretend to start doing homework. The only real tension between us was a theological argument when she claimed that the Bible says you aren't supposed to add to it and literally went "la la la la la" when I tried to explain why that was a misunderstanding. I gave her a Book of Mormon with my testimony but she didn't want it, although she wasn't rude or anything. I was pleasantly surprised that she agreed to be my Facebook friend a few years later after all the annoyance I'd caused her. She did unfriend me some time later for who knows what reason, but lots of people have done that, so no biggie.
I had a crush on Kayla in eighth grade, and boy did that go badly. I was a freak, always writing her long notes and stopping by her locker and stuff. She bore it with admirable stoicism. Afterward I tried to pretend nothing had ever happened and get on with life, but in twelfth grade my friends at the lunch table decided to bring it up again as if it were a current event. And they pretended I had a fetish with her feet (it's a long story). She was there with us and rarely said a word but rather smiled as if to say "Wow you guys are idiots". Oh, and over the summer somebody had been texting her pretending to be me and whining about how she should be mine instead of this other guy's, which would have been more assertive but no less pathetic than anything else I had actually done/said all those years ago. I didn't even have a cell phone at that time. Ah, youth. She did not agree to be my Facebook friend.
I had a crush on Kayla in eighth grade, and boy did that go badly. I was a freak, always writing her long notes and stopping by her locker and stuff. She bore it with admirable stoicism. Afterward I tried to pretend nothing had ever happened and get on with life, but in twelfth grade my friends at the lunch table decided to bring it up again as if it were a current event. And they pretended I had a fetish with her feet (it's a long story). She was there with us and rarely said a word but rather smiled as if to say "Wow you guys are idiots". Oh, and over the summer somebody had been texting her pretending to be me and whining about how she should be mine instead of this other guy's, which would have been more assertive but no less pathetic than anything else I had actually done/said all those years ago. I didn't even have a cell phone at that time. Ah, youth. She did not agree to be my Facebook friend.
Cassandra
She told me her name was Casanova and I briefly believed her because I didn't know that was a boy's name. After learning the truth I kept calling her that until she got exasperated. You know, Cassie was a nice girl. She pretended that I was sexy, put dirty thoughts in her head, etc. and even though it was a joke I really appreciated it because you wouldn't joke like that with someone you hate.
One time I was at a lunch table with her and some big girl came over and started yelling at her for some stupid reason. I looked away to see the reactions and was surprised to see all their mouths gaping in shock. When I looked back, I was surprised to see the big girl walking away as Cassie cradled her head. It took me a moment to realize that the big girl had punched her. And I would forever regret not having witnessed it so that I could have jumped up in an instant, given that girl a piece of my mind, and gotten pulverized in the defense of a good and true friend.
One time I was at a lunch table with her and some big girl came over and started yelling at her for some stupid reason. I looked away to see the reactions and was surprised to see all their mouths gaping in shock. When I looked back, I was surprised to see the big girl walking away as Cassie cradled her head. It took me a moment to realize that the big girl had punched her. And I would forever regret not having witnessed it so that I could have jumped up in an instant, given that girl a piece of my mind, and gotten pulverized in the defense of a good and true friend.
