Writing posts about my life that will appeal to anyone is kind of freaking hard, because I have three main different audiences to keep in mind.

*My Utah friends who know me, are mostly conservative, and are mostly LDS or former LDS or are at least very familiar with the LDS Church

*My New York friends who know me, are mostly liberal, and are mostly not LDS and don't know the difference between LDS and LSD

*Strangers from who knows what religious and political backgrounds who stumble on me through Twitter or Google and don't know me at all

Each post is like another page in a narrative that started years ago and will continue until death or injury prevents me from writing more, but it may be the only post that a given person sees. If they happen to catch me criticizing liberals, they'll assume I'm a conservative. If they happen to catch me criticizing conservatives, they'll assume I'm a liberal. Because the way politics work in this country is that you're supposed to choose one of two crappy options and then pretend it's perfect while criticizing the other one. I shouldn't have to put in a disclaimer or counterexample every time I criticize one or the other. And how do I write about Mormon topics that roughly half of my audience is familiar with and roughly the other half is clueless about, without patronizing the one or making no sense to the other? Especially when I enjoy diving into apologetics and scholarship and cultural weirdness that goes way beyond the missionary discussions? I think I've failed spectacularly at that. I don't even know when to say "Mormon" and one to say "LDS". They're interchangeable in my mind but not in everyone else's.

So here's yet another bit that Mormons already know and others don't care about. A couple weeks ago Russell M. Nelson became the seventeenth President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints with Dallin H. Oaks and Henry B. Eyring as counselors. And in the press conference, Peggy Fletcher Stack of the Salt Lake Tribune asked, "So, under President Monson we saw some real advances towards gender equity the loering of the missionary age especially for sisters and also adding women to some of the executive committees but the Church leadership is still white, male, American. What will you do in your Presidency to bring women, people of color, and international members into decison making for the Church?"

President Nelson responded in part, "We are white, and we are American. But look at our Quorums of the Seventy and look at our leaders locally. Wherever we go, the leadership of the Church is from the local communities and those are the real leaders. The Twelve and the Seventy are not a representative assembly of any kind. That means we don't have representatives - how would you govern the church with a representative from all of the 188 countries? So somebody's gonna be left out, but it doesn't matter because the Lord's in charge and we'll live to see the day when there will be other flavors in the mix. But we respond because we’ve been called by the Lord. Not one of us asked to be here."
​
The leadership structure of the LDS Church is technically a hierarchy in that people have varying levels of responsibility and authority, but should not be viewed through the same lens as a traditional human hierarchy. Every role is supposed to be seen as equally important. The President of the entire Church is not entitled to any eternal blessing that isn't available to each and every member. Elder Uchtdorf's move from the First Presidency back into the Twelve and President Eyring's move from First to Second Counselor are not "demotions". We are not supposed to aspire to leadership positions, which is fine with me because I don't want any ever. So I fall in the category of those who love and sustain the leadership as presently constituted and also really, really would like to see them more reflect the makeup of modern global membership (even though they aren't a representative body).

And, as President Nelson promises here, that will happen soon. (Perhaps very, very soon - did he choose the word "we" carefully despite being 93 years old?) Because diversity has been trickling up through the General Authority ranks for many years and will continue to do so until it runs all the way through. To demonstrate this, I decided to occupy what little time I have outside of school and work to put together an overview of LDS leadership diversity that will probably be of interest to hardly anybody else in or out of the Church. I have chosen to focus on their states/provinces and countries of origin instead of skin color, which I don't think is the most useful lens to view the world through. There may be a few errors or ommissions with regard to where people were born versus where they grew up that I didn't have time to look into, but it should be accurate enough for most intents and purposes. If you find this terribly dull, go read the Book of Mormon instead and come back next week for hopefully something you'll like more. You think I'm joking but I'm not.

​Russel M. Nelson - Utah, Dallin H. Oaks - Utah, Henry B. Eyring - New Jersey, M. Russell Ballard - Utah, Jeffrey R. Holland - Utah, Dieter F. Uchtdorf - Germany (born in Czechoslovakia), David A. Bednar - California, Quentin L. Cook - Utah, D. Todd Christofferson - Utah, Neil L. Andersen - Utah, Ronald A. Rasband - Utah, Gary E. Stevenson - Utah, Dale G. Renlund - Utah (but first language is Swedish)

Recently deceased: Thomas S. Monson - Utah, Robert D. Hales - New York

Over the first few decades these bodies had members from Canada, England, Denmark, and several US states, but after they and the vast majority Mormons emigrated to Utah the diversity of their ranks took a de facto step backward. Diversity takes the longest to reach these upper echelons because the men here have been called after many years of church service and then stay here until they die. I completely understand why some people were angered by the calling of three more white men from Utah in 2015 and would be lying if I said I didn't feel disappointed at first too. But it's only a matter of time. I can't find it now, but I know I once saw a quote from President Spencer W. Kimball that has some relevance, in 1975 I believe, in which he told a gathering of Mormons in Japan that some of them would live to see a Japanese man in the Quorum of the Twelve. I thought it was in "From the East: A History The History of the Latter-day Saints in Asia, 1851-196" by R. Lanier Britsch, but then I couldn't find it in there. If anyone is familiar with this quote please let me know.

L. Whitney Clayton - Utah, Craig C. Christensen - Utah, Ulisses Soares - Brazil, Lynn G. Robbins - Utah, Gerrit W. Gong - California, Juan A. Uceda - Peru, Patrick Kearon - England

I once saw an internet commenter complain that ethnically Asian Gerrit W. Gong doesn't count because he's from California and that L. Whitney Clayton sounds like the name of a KKK Grand Dragonmaster. Here's some life advice: if you're that desperate to find similarities between Mormons and the KKK, you're an idiot.

Marcos A. Aidukaitis - Brazil, Jose L. Alonso - Mexico, Wilford W. Andersen - Arizona, Ian S. Ardern - New Zealand, Mervyn B. Arnold - Utah, W. Mark Bassett - California, David S. Baxter - Scotland, Randall K. Bennett - Alberta, Shayne M. Bowen - Idaho, Mark A. Bragg - California, Craig A. Cardon - Arizona, Yoon Hwan Choi - South Korea, Kim B. Clark - Utah, Weatherford T. Clayton - California, Carl B. Cook - Utah, Lawrence E. Corbridge - Idaho, Valeri V. Cordón - Guatemala, J. Devn Cornish - Utah, Claudio R. M. Costa - Brazil, Joaquin E. Costa - Argentina, LeGrand R. Curtis Jr. - Utah, Massimo de Feo - Italy, Benjamin de Hoyos - Mexico, Edward Dube - Zimbabwe, Kevin R. Duncan - Utah, Timothy J. Dyches - Utah, Larry J. Echo Hawk - Wyoming, Stanley G. Ellis - Idaho, David F. Evans - Utah, Enrique R. Falabella - Guatemala, Bradley D. Foster - Idaho, Randy D. Funk - Utah, Eduardo Gavarret - Uruguay, Robert C. Gay - California, Carlos A. Godoy - Brazil, Taylor C. Godoy - Peru, Christoffel Golden - South Africa, Walter F. González - Uruguay, C. Scott Grow - Idaho, O. Vincent Haleck - American Samoa, Donald L. Hallstrom - Hawaii, Kevin S. Hamilton - Washington, Allen D. Haynie - California (born in Utah), Paul V. Johnson - Florida, Larry S. Kacher - Minnesota, Jörg Klebingat - Germany, Joni L. Koch - Brazil, Erich W. Kopischke - Germany, Larry R. Lawrence - Maryland, Hugo E. Martinez - Puerto Rico, James B. Martino - Texas, Richard J. Maynes - California, Peter F. Meurs - Australia, Hugo Montoya - Mexico (born in California, Marcus B. Nash - Washington, K. Brett Nattress - Idaho, S. Gifford Nielsen - Utah, Brent H. Nielson - Idaho, Adrián Ochoa - California, Allan F. Packer - Utah, S. Mark Palmer -  Texas (born in New Zealand), Adilson de Paula Parrella - Brazil, Kevin W. Pearson - Utah, Anthony D. Perkins - Colorado, Paul B. Pieper - Idaho, John C. Pingree Jr. - Utah, Rafael E. Pino - Venezuela, Michael T. Ringwood - Utah, Gary B. Sabin - California (born in Utah), Evan A. Schmutz - Utah, Gregory A. Schwitzer - Utah, Joseph W. Sitati - Kenya, Steven E. Snow - Utah, Vern P. Stanfill - Montana, Brian K. Taylor - Utah, Michael John U. Teh - Philippines, José A. Teixeira - Portugal, Arnulfo Valenzuela - Mexico, Terence M. Vinson - Australia, Taniela B. Wakolo - Fiji, Scott D. Whiting - Utah, Larry Y. Wilson - Utah, Chi Hong (Sam) Wong - Hong Kong, Kazuhiko Yamashita - Japan (duh), Jorge F. Zeballos - Chile, Claudio D. Zivic - Argentina, W. Craig Zwick - Utah

Recently deceased: Von G. Keetch - Utah
​
Here we see that diversity can actually fluctuate within such a small group. There is only one Japanese General Authority, but not long ago there were three. Koichi Aoyagi and Yoshihiko Kikuchi aged out and now have emeritus status. In the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve, which typically only have a combined fifteen slots (there have been more First Presidency counselors at times in the past, but this is unlikely to ever happen again because of changes in the distribution of responsibility since then), diversity in future years will certainly fluctuate even more.

Gérald Caussé - France, Dean M. Davies - Utah, W. Christopher Waddell - California, Jean B. Bingham - Utah, Sharon Eubank - California, Reyna I. Aburto - Nicaragua, Bonnie L. Oscarson - Utah, Carol F. McConkie - Washington, Neill F. Marriot - Louisiana, Joy D. Jones - Oregon, Bonnie H. Cordon - Idaho, Cristina B. Franco - Argentina, Tad R. Callister - California, Devin G. Durrant - Utah, Brian K. Ashton - Utah, Stephen W. Owen - Utah, Douglas D. Holmes - Utah, M. Joseph Brough - Utah

Again, diversity fluctuates. Some have assumed that Reyna I. Aburto was the first woman of color in the Relief Society Presidency, but from 1990-97 it had a Japanese-Hawaiian named Chieko Okazaki. The late Sister Okazaki is still remembered and loved for her intimate description of the Atonement and her outreach to those of us who don't fit the cookie cutter of Utah Mormon culture. And I'm almost certain I saw her ghost in the Joseph Smith Memorial Building one time. Anyway...

These are not included in the chart because they are not global leaders. Unlike the General Authority Seventies in the First and Second Quorums, they keep their normal jobs and keep living in the same spot, presiding only over a local area. However, they are relevant to the discussion because General Authoritie Seventies are often pulled from their ranks. If diversity is trickling up in the LDS Church then we should see it beginning here, along with mission presidents and stake presidents that are obviously too numerous to get into. The quorum numbers are just for convenience and don't refer to actual rank. They are arranged somewhat geographically but then sometimes people are moved between them while staying in the same country/state so I don't know how that works.

Detlef H. Adler - Germany, Frederick O. Akinbo - Nigeria, Vladimir N. Astashov - Russia, Matthieu Bennasar - France, Hans T. Boom - The Netherlands, Christopher Charles - England, Walter Chatora - South Africa (born in Zimbabwe), M. T. Ben Davis - Ghana, Z. Dominique Dekaye - Cote d'Ivoire, Alessandro Dini Ciacci - Italy, Aleksandr A. Drachyov - Russia, Robert A. Dryden - England, I. Raymond Egbo - Ghana, Torben Engbjerg - Denmark, Mervyn C. Giddey - South Africa, Marcel Guei - Cote d'Ivoire, Yuriy A. Gushchin - Russia, Daniel P. Hall - South Africa, Clifford T. Herbertson - England, Tom-Atle Herland - Norway, Karl D. Hirst - England, David P. Homer - Utah (currently in Ontario), J. K. Chukwuemeka Igwe - Nigeria, Aniefiok Udo Inyon - Nigeria, Anthony M. Kaku - Ghana, Christophe Kawaya - Democratic Republic of Congo, John A. Koranteng - Ghana, Axel H. Leimer - Germany, W. Jean-Pierre Lono - Democratic Republic of Congo, L. Jean Claude Mabaya - Democratic Republic of Congo, Declan O. Madu - Nigeria, Tasara Makasi - South Africa, Khumbulani Mdletshe - South Africa, Artur J. Miranda - South Africa, Elie K. Monga - Republic of the Congo, Joaquim J. Moreira - Portugal, Adonay S. Obando - Mexico, Adeyinka A. Ojediran - Nigeria, Alan T. Phillips - England, Wolfgang Pilz - Germany, Gennady N. Podvodov - Ukraine, Gary S. Price - Utah? (currently in Saudi Arabia), Anthony Quaisie - Ghana, Francisco J. Ruiz de Mendoza - Spain, Alexey V. Samaykin - Russia, K. Roy Tunnicliffe - England, Jacques A. Van Reenen - ​South Africa, Daniel Yirenya-Tawiah - Ghana

I find it interesting that only one of these men is from Norway and therefore of value while several of the others, according to the President of the United States, are from "----hole countries" and therefore worthless. But that's none of my business.

Julio C. Acosta - Dominican Republic, Quilmer A. Agüero - Peru, Angel H. Alarcon - Peru, Omar A. Alvarez - Venezuela, Luis R. Arbizú - El Salvador, Nelson Ardila - Colombia, Carlos F. Arredondo - Guatemala, Winsor Balderrama - Bolivia, David A. Benalcázar - Ecuador, Hubermann Bien-Aimé - Haiti, Fernando E. Calderón - Ecuador, Wilson B. Calderón - Peru, Hernando Camargo - Colombia, Luis J. Camey - Guatemala, Armando Carreón - Mexico, Nicolás Castañeda - Mexico, Luis C. Chaverri - Costa Rica, Pablo H. Chavez - Honduras, Ulises Chávez - Mexico, Marion B. De Antuñano - Mexico, Fernando P. Del Carpio - Peru, Ángel A. Duarte - El Salvador, E. Xavier Espinoza - Ecuador, José A. Fernández - Mexico, Candido Fortuna - Dominican Republic, Sam M. Galvez - Guatemala, Claude R. Gamiette - Guadelupe, Jorge A. García - Mexico, Guillermo I. Guardia - Venezuela, Mathias Held - Colombia, José Hernández - Honduras, Bhanu K. Hiranandani - Venezuela, Jose L. Isaguirre - Mexico, Pedro X. Larreal - Mexico, Carlo M. Lezano - Peru, Alejandro Lopez - Guatemala, José E. Maravilla - Guatemala, Felix A. Martinez - Mexico, Joel Martinez - Mexico, Alexander T. Mestre - Venezuela, Alfredo Miron - Mexico, Helamán Montejo - Mexico, A. Fabio Moscoso - Peru, Jared R. Ocampo - Honduras, Jesús A. Ortiz - Mexico, A. Moroni Pérez - Guatemala, José C. Pineda - Mexico, Juan C. Pozo - Bolivia, Abraham E. Quero - Venezuela, Miguel A. Reyes - Mexico, Sandino Roman - Mexico, Rene Romay - Mexico, Johnny F. Ruiz - Panama, Luis G. Ruiz - Mexico, Jorge L. Saldívar - Mexico, C. Walter Treviño - Mexico, Ricardo Valladares - Honduras, Jesús Velez - Mexico, Moisés Villanueva - Mexico, Cesar E. Villar - Peru

 Ruben Acosta - California, Blake R. Alder - Idaho, Aley K. Auna Jr. - Hawaii, Steven R. Bangerter - Utah, Alan C. Batt - Idaho, Jorge T. Becerra - Utah, Lawrence P. Blunck - Oregon, Michael H. Bourne - Utah, Bradford C. Bowen - Idaho, Berne S. Broadbent - Utah, L. Todd Budge - Utah, Robert M. Call - Washington, Gene R. Chidester - Utah, Brent J. Christensen - Utah, Raymond A. Cutler - Utah, Douglas L. Dance - Utah, Marc C. Davis - California, Ralph L. Dewsnup - Utah, J. Scott Dorius - California, M. Dirk Driscoll - Idaho, Mark P. Durham - Utah, J. Kevin Ence - Utah, Jeffrey D. Erekson - Idaho, Gary F. Gessel - Washington, Bruce E. Ghent - California, Richard K. Hansen - Oregon, Todd B. Hansen - Arizona, Michael R. Jensen - Utah, Steven O. Laing - Utah, Bryan R. Larsen - Utah, John A. McCune - Utah, Kyle S. McKay - Utah, Kevin K. Miskin - California, Dale H. Munk - Utah, Michael R. Murray - Washington, Norman R. Nemrow - Utah, Mark L. Pace - Utah, Steven Merrill Petersen - Utah, Jay D. Pimentel - California, Steven K. Randall - Utah, James R. Rasband - Utah, Blake M. Roney - Utah, R. Scott Runia - Utah, Netzahualcoyotl Salinas - Mexico, Eric J. Schmutz - Utah, Edwin A. Sexton - Idaho, Alin Spannaus - ​Argentina, David L. Stapleton - Washington, David T. Warner - Utah, Paul H. Watkins - California, Gary K. Wilde - California, William B. Woahn - Utah, Kevin J. Worthen

René R. Alba - Georgia, Alain L. Allard - Quebec, Michael V. Beheshti - Arkansas, Grant C. Bennett - Massachusetts, R. Randall Bluth - Louisiana, David L. Buckner - New York, Kevin E. Calderwood - Virginia, Matthew L. Carpenter - Colorado, Douglas B. Carter - Florida, S. Marc Clay Jr. - New York, Michael M. Dudley - Virginia, Daniel F. Dunnigan - Michigan, James E. Evanson - Alberta, K. Mark Frost - Arizona, Michael A. Gillenwater - Indiana, Leonard D. Greer - Arizona, Raymond S. Heyman - Arizona, Paul F. Hintze - Missouri, Ren S. Johnson - Nevada, Daniel W. Jones - Texas, Jay B. Jones - Texas, Milan F. Kunz - Pennsylvania, Todd S. Larkin - Nevada, J Vaun McArthur - South Carolina, Fred A. Parker - Georgia, Thomas T. Priday - Colorado, Brian L. Rawson - Kansas, Robert C. Rhien - New Mexico, Ciro Schmeil - Brazil, K. David Scott - Illinois, Paul H. Sinclair - Indiana, Gordon H. Smith - Oregon (currently in Maryland), Michael L. Southward - Oklahoma, G. Lawrence Spackman - Alberta, Rulon F. Stacey - Minnesota, William H. Stoddard - Nevada, Stephen E. Thompson - Florida, Karl M. Tilleman - Arizona, William R. Titera - Ohio, Maxsimo C. Torres - New Mexico, Carlos Villarreal - Texas, C. Dale Willis Jr. - Arizona

Fred A. Parker is black. I know I'm not supposed to be focusing on skin color but I thought some people would like to know that.

P. David Agazzani - Argentina, B. Sergio Antunes - Brazil, José M. Batalla - Argentina, Rómulo V. Cabrera - Uruguay, José C. F. Campos - Brazil, Sergio Luis Carboni - Brazil, H. Marcelo Cardus - Argentina, Luciano Cascardi - Brazil, Aroldo B. Cavalcante - Brazil, José L. Del Guerso - Brazil, Osvaldo Rietra Dias - Brazil, Antonio F. Faúndez - Chile, Matías D. Fernández - Argentina, Paschoal F. Fortunato - Brazil, Carlos R. Fusco Jr. - Brazil, Patricio M. Giuffra - Chile, Maurício G. Gonzaga - Brazil, João Roberto Grahl - Brazil, Francisco D. N. Granja - Brazil, Sergio L. Krasnoselsky - Argentina, Luiz M. Leal - Brazil, Juan J. Levrino - Argentina, Geraldo Lima - Brazil, Eduardo A. Norambuena - Chile, Carlos E. Perrotti - Brazil, Raimundo Pacheco De Pinho - Brazil, Edvaldo B. Pinto Jr. - Brazil, Marco A. Rais - Brazil, Martin C. Rios - Argentina, Jorge Luis Romeu - Argentina, Alfredo L. Salas - Argentina, Pedro A. Sanhueza - Chile, Raúl H. Spitale - Argentina, Heber D. Texeira - Paraguay, Carlos R. Toledo - Brazil, Moroni B. Torgan - Brazil, Juan A. Urra - Chile, Juan Pablo Villar - Chile, Luis G. Zapata - ​Chile

Pedro U. Adduru - Philippines, Taiichi Aoba - Japan, Victorina A. Babida - Philippines, Richard Baquiran - Philippines, Dong Chol Beh - South Korea, Ting Tsung Chang - Taiwan, Zeno Chow - Hong Kong, Paul R. Coward - New Zealand, Robert J. Dudfield - Australia, Meliula M. Fata - Samoa, Daniel G. Hamilton - Australia, Toru Hayashi - Japan, Adolf J. Johansson - New Zealand, Tae Gul Jung - South Korea, Wisit Khanakham - Thailand, Seung Hoon Koo - South Korea, Ming-Shun Kuan - Taiwan, Paul N. Lekias - Australia, Johnny L. Leota - Australia, Tomas S. Merdegia Jr. - Philippines, Alvin F. Meredith III - ​Tennessee, Yutaka Onda - Japan, Andrew M. O'Riordan - Australia, Katsuyuki Oahara - Japan, Ryan V. Pagaduan - Philippines, Abenir V. Pajaro - Philippines, Ferdinand P. Pangan - Philippines, Jairus C. Perez - Philippines, Mark P. Peteru - Australia, Siu Hong Pon - Hong Kong, Carlos G. Revillo Jr. - Philippines, Maximo A. Saavedra Jr. - Philippines, Benjamin T. Sinjoux - French Polynesia, Benjamin Ming Zhe Tai - Hong Kong, David J. Thomson - New Zealand, George J. Tobias - Philippines, Seiji Tokuzawa - Japan, Steven L. Toronto - Utah (currently in China), 'Aisake K. Tukuafu - Tonga, Raul Edgardo A. Vicencio - Philippines, Raul S. Villanueva - Philippines, Keith P. Walker - Australia, Robert K. William - India, Hoi Seng Leonard Woo - ​Singapore

I first assumed from the name "Robert K. William" that he was a white man from Utah living in India, but nope, he's native and brown and I'm a little bit racist.

Since this took a long time to put together I don't feel like writing much more. So I will close by completely changing the subject with some of President Eyring's words from the broadcast preceding the press conference. "The growth in the number of members and their spread across nations, kindreds, tongues, and peoples are visible miracles, but the greater miracle - and the one which will accelerate - is the growth in faith in Jesus Christ. This is a great time in the history of the Church. And yes, the best is still to come."

How exciting!

If you don't accept that humans are a product of evolution and still subject to natural selection, then I don't know how you make sense of the fact that teenagers are daring each other to eat laundry detergent. If I'd ever had a shred of faith in humanity, I might be surprised that I'm putting those words in a sentance in that order, but I hadn't and I'm not. Some people see this as a problem. I don't. But in an effort to be more compassionate, I've tried to think of how I would feel if my own teenager died from eating laundry detergent.

Me: *sobs uncontrollably*
Bystander: I know, it's always hard to lose a loved one...
Me: No, I'm crying because my genetic material created something that stupid.

Actually, this is implausible because, like I said. my teenager would most likely be adopted. Anyway, on to the main portion of our program. How good it feels to be returning to school nearly three years after I was supposed to graduate. How good it feels to still see some familiar faces from a year and a half ago or more. The man whom I may have to kill if he turns out to be a better writer than me. The woman who always looks like she's wincing from a terrible pun. The man whom I never spoke with in the previous class we were in together but who now wants to be best friends. The woman who - wait, is that her, or is it a sister or something? She looks slightly different... I can't tell... The man with long, silky, flawless, sexuality-confusing hair. And so on and so forth. Here is an edge-of-your-seat-thrilling rundown of the classes I'm taking this semester. I'm already far busier than any semester before and it looks like homework is going to be my primary hobby six days a week for the next four months. I attracted a few stares in the bookstore as I shuffled to the register with my literally twenty books.

Bookstore Worker: Do you need help finding anything?
Me (out loud): No thank you.
Me (not out loud): I know how the alphabet works, thanks.

And also, every class requires participation as part of the grade.

So I've been proactive in each class at contributing something as soon as I can so I can relax, and most of my comments end up being kind of banal and useless and everyone probably thinks I'm a simpleton.

Me: It reminds me of "Shrek" because he said ogres are like onions and they have layers...
Professor: Ha, so you're saying [intellectual articulate stuff].
​Me: Yeah.

That's it, the class is just called "Shakespeare". It's a 4000 level class and about five minutes into it I was thinking, Uh, you do realize I have other classes, right? I had four days to read "The Taming of the Shrew", but I misunderstood and read it in two days, which was fine because I had no shortage of other homework. I'm not sure what to think of it. It's so misogynistic it makes Donald Drumpf look like Gloria Steinem, but it's also a thousand times more intelligently written than his Tweets. Obviously our female professor feels that it has some redeeming value somehow. We discussed at length the various mental gymnastics that can be employed to make Petruchio seem like less of a monster. I don't understand his methodology anyway. Being deprived of sleep doesn't make me more compliant, it makes me more homicidal. That's hyperbole. Mostly. I can't wait to read other, less repugnant Shakespeare plays because I actually quite enjoy him and wish people were still that smart.

Just another English student in the music building for a science class, that's me. I started out in the sciences. I majored in Wildlife Science for a few years and that's how I took a bunch of biology classes, came out of the closet as an evolutionist and gained the expertise to refute every creationist I've ever argued with on the internet. Even though I ultimately decided that I don't love science and would rather just stare at its butt as it walks by, I have no regrets about spending that time in that area. And I certainly never imagined that I would come back to it so near the end. This class meets some requirement or other. It's not entirely a science class, but wants to equip us to make science accessible to normal people through art, so obviously that's where the connection comes in. I definitely want to use art to convince people to agree with me on science, religion, politics, and which Star Wars movie is the best (but actually we all know what that is already).

We watched an hour and a half National Geographic documentary called "The Story of Earth". I was riveted. I knew many of these facts, of course, and had read a ton about dinosaurs, but to see the whole thing animated from start to finish was a new and enrapturing experience. The British narrator's pronunciations were occasionally a bit jarring, though. In his mouth algea was "AL-gee" and methane was "MEE-thane". I have to wonder, in a class like this, how many students are Mormons and how many of those Mormons are resisting what they're hearing because they don't believe in evolution. And I wonder how many are conservatives and how many of those conservatives are resisting what they're hearing because they don't believe in climate change. I didn't believe in either of those things when I took my first college biology class but I put aside my biases and listened to the material anyway and here I am now.

American culture is obviously difficult to define because, contrary to what the current admistration obviously believes, it's a melting pot that incorporates every other culture in the world. Yet at the same time, it's distinctive enough to be recognized as it in turn forces itself onto every other culture in the world. I've given some thought in the past to how I would define uniquely American culture: spirit of free enterprise, gun fetish, fast food, pornography, rap music, country music, cowboys, getting offended, lawsuits, Hollywood, leg-humping obsession with skin color, polarized mud-slinging politics, creationism, separation of church and state. Looks like I get to find out how close to the mark I was. I'm the least concerned about this class because it's only a 2000 level and the professor's name is Christopher so he's already biased in my favor. One day he showed us three songs and asked us to brainstorm what they say about American culture.

We seemed to reach a consensus that John Mellencamp had a bit of a White Savior complex and played into stereotypes a little too much, but his heart was in the right place, and this was back in the unenlightened days of 2007 before we'd ever had a black president and so on.

I actually love this song for both the melody and the nostalgia of hanging out with Cece, but I never paid much attention to the lyrics. Even now if you put a gun to my head all I could recite with total confidence is "You've got a fast car". So it turns out the lyrics tell a depressing story about being unable to achieve the American dream.

Kendrick Lamar speaks to my tortured soul. He seems to have some similar gripes to Tracy Chapman, but goes about expressing them in an altogether different way, focusing on raw emotion over storyline, arguably making his version more easily identified with by a broader range of people.

The professor asked us each to suggest a song we like that says something or other about American culture, to be sprinkled in throughout the rest of the semester. And that was a no-brainer if I ever heard one. 

Unsurprisingly, we've already talked about race issues every day. I want to apologize again for previously being ignorant of the depth of racism that still exists in this country, and again add the disclaimer that if a certain side of the political spectrum hadn't constantly exaggerated it and tried to weaponize it to shut down legitimate discourse I would have taken it seriously much sooner. The professor believes in free speech and thinks people should be able to air their views, no matter how repugnant, as long as everyone else then has the right to tell them their views are crap. I agree. We should give even the Nazis and white supremacists a platform, as long as it comes with a rope and a long drop.

I thought this would be like nineteenth century stuff, but we're going way, way back farther than that. We're reading contemporary writings about the Spanish conquistadors, and we're reading about the horrible abuses and genocide they dished out to the Native Americans, and it's disturbing and disgusting and depressing and gives me an idea for a novel. The best part, really the only part I liked, was when some Native Americans captured some Spaniards and held them down and poured melted gold down their throats and were like "You want gold? Here's your gold, Christians! Enjoy!" They weren't really Christians, of course, not by a long shot. Oh, and also my former co-worker Smile Girl is in this class. I call her that inside my head because she smiles at nothing and everything. I couldn't help wondering, for example, whether the muscles in her face were stuck or she just really got a thrill out of the soap dispenser. She must have missed the memo that she doesn't owe anyone a smile.

On the first day the professor was like, "I don't know what's in the stories I'm making you read and I'm not going to censor what you write. There might be rape scenes, convenience store robberies, '----' every other word... Consider that your trigger warning for the whole semester." But that was essentially the same trigger warning I got in Fiction Writing and Poetry Writing and Creative Non-Fiction Writing, each of which failed to deliver anything more scandalous than the average high school lunch period, so I wasn't too fazed. And it actually occurs to me just now that I became art of the reason those warnings were given. It actually occurs to me just now that my story about a lady who goes around cutting off people's hands and wearing them on her head could have been unsettling for some readers. My other stories and poems weren't all sunshine and lemondrops either. I guess I've been desensitized to a lot of things. I don't know how else to not be thoroughly miserable every waking moment on this planet.

Student: This part where the funny sidekick animal says 'He just needs an axe to the face' is kind of dark.
​Me: Oh, I hadn't thought of it that way.

We talk about all kinds of literary techniques - the aforementioned onion thing, for example, and stuff like facades and icebergs where people don't say what they mean or prove themselves to be unreliable narrators when you read between the lines. Putting this into practice may prove challenging for an Aspie. The closest I've come to understanding real people in this regard is to just assume they're lying most of the time. One student gave Drumpf's tweets as an example of facade. When he calls himself a "stable genius", you kind of get the opposite impression. "I'm not making a political statement, I just find it fascinating," he said. No, I get it. Drumpf's lack of character, morals or intelligence is hardly a political issue. Plot twist: Drumpf really is the greatest genius the world has ever known and the rest of us just aren't smart enough to see it. Getting back on topic...

This is of course the most exciting class because it relates most directly to what I want to do with my life. And, uncoincidentally, it's also the class that most makes me suddenly feel like not such a great writer after all. So it looks like it's going to be awesome and hellish at the same time. Which will probably also describe the whole semester.

"We'll start the year off," the Sunday School teacher announced, "by talking about eternal marriage..."

"...and families."

Mormons believe in eternal marriage and families. Hindus don't. Once a Hindu friend said to me in regard to his fiancee, "Naw, man, I'm just lucky. If you'd've gotten here first, she would've been all yours. But there's multiple lives, man. You can have her in the next one." So I'm kind of hoping that my religion is wrong and his is right. Even though I'll probably be reincarnated as a cockroach or something.

Because the topic was broader than just marriage, and because the bishop's wife was by the door, I decided not to get up and leave after all. At least this lesson, perhaps understanding the difficult situation some of us were in, reduced the discomfort by focusing more on the broader family thing. Marriage and associated stuff just came up now and again and I kept my rude comments to myself because I didn't want to drive the Spirit away and because the bishop's wife was by the door. "What's some of your biggest fears about marriage?" the teacher asked the class. My biggest fear about marriage was not appropriate to mention in that venue. "You've got to be all about that dating life; it's great," he said. I might have fallen for that lie if I had amnesia. "It might be worth it to drop a letter grade if you find your eternal companion," he said. It might indeed, but gambling is against my religion.

I like families. I like having a family. I devised a comic strip about a family. If hell freezes over and I do get married, I'd like to adopt teenagers that nobody else wants. If he had asked what's my biggest fear about raising a family, I would have said watching my kids suffer from the unfairness of life and/or their own poor choices. I've suffered more than a little from both and the thought of a loved one going through the same crap makes is unbearable. If you think about it, this is why God suffers more than anyone - because He chooses to love all of us, He makes Himself the most vulnerable being in the universe. He makes that sacrifice for our sake. You know who I really want to see again in heaven? My dead dog, Milo. He was the best friend I ever had, he died in 2016 and recently I've dreamed about him a couple times. I'd even like to see my previous dog, Trillian. My dad shot her because she was aggressive and violent, but that will be fixed after the Resurrection and we'll all get along great.

The young ladies next to me proved to be a bit of a distraction with their constant chatter. At one point, the one who reminds me of an aerobics instructor from 1989 (which, to be clear, is a compliment) started loudly messing around with some kind of pills or candies in her purse. I hoped they were candies and that she would give me some, so I stared at her until she noticed me. "I spilled my Ibuprofen," she explained. A likely story. Why would she need to carry around so much Ibuprofen? Oh wait, she's a schoolteacher. Point withdrawn.

​At some point the teacher jarred me into paying attention again when he said, "Family understands you like no one else."

Let's see, one of my sisters understands me because she's the same way, another shares my love of Star Wars and Tintin, and the rest of my family is from a different planet. I love my parents, but they aren't even in the top fifty people I would be comfortable sharing personal things with. I guess you could say I can't relate to my relations. Oh well.

On an average day at work, if I'm not doing other things, between one and three thousand books pass through my hands. Many of them are interesting, but few of them are memorable. So when people ask about interesting books I've seen I don't have much to say. But here are a couple I made sure to remember just for you! First, a children's picture book called "The Story of the Little Mole Who Knew it Was None of His Business", translated from German. I skimmed it while I was supposed to be working because I'm just that fast. In this story, the little mole pops his head out of his hole and immediately gets pooped on by some other animal, but because he's shortsighted he doesn't see which. So he goes around to each of the animals and asks if it was them, and they each say no and obligingly demonstrate that their poop looks nothing like what's on his head. I won't give away the ending because I know you're dying to read it and look at the illustrations for yourself.

Next, another children's picture book called "Tricking Tracy". A less confusing title would have been "Tracy's Tricks" or "Tracy the Trickster" or "Lyin' Tracy Meets the Lion". Tracy is a little girl who pranks people by pretending to be stuck or hurt and yelling "Help! Help!" And I am going to give away the ending of this one because it shocked me. Tracy is with her classmates at the zoo and decides to prank them by pretending her head is stuck between the bars of the lion's cage (this was in 1983 when you could do that). She yells "Help! Help!" and her classmates are like, "Just ignore her. She's only fooling." On the next and final page, the narrator concludes "...but this time, she wasn't!" Terror is plainly visible on Tracy's young face as she realizes her head is stuck for real and makes eye contact with the lion, about three feet away, who's giving her what I can only describe as a lecherous grin. Carnivore by birth, sadist by choice. The end.

Like, holy crap. That's the darkest children's book I can remember ever reading. And it's for young children, too. It's fifteen pages long with one or two sentences per page. Okay, so let's assume for the sake of argument that Tracy's implied fate is thoroughly deserved for her childish pranks. That still disregards her nearby classmates, shown on the previous pages, who are going to be scarred for life in a couple minutes at most. Or her family members, shown earlier in the book, who presumably love her. I can't deal with this. I have to write my own alternate ending for my own piece of mind. "Fortunately for our anti-heroine, a zookeeper who was unfamiliar with her trickery heard the shouts and came running. He was able to shoot the lion before it harmed her. Having learned a valuable lesson from this experience, Tracy vowed never to trick people again. Her relief was short-lived, however, as the lion's death went viral and she was soon receiving thousands of hate letters and threats a day, making her wish it had torn her head off after all." Crap, I made it worse! What is wrong with me??

Speaking of poop and dangerous animals that should be in cages, Donald Drumpf is back to showing his hideous true colors after an uncharacteristically classy and intelligent statement about Thomas S. Monson's death which, now that I think of it, was probably written by someone else. He escaped much scrutiny for saying that Haitians "all have AIDS" in late December, but couldn't just appreciate his good luck and instead decided to go farther, saying in reference to Haiti and Africa: "Why are we having all these people from ----hole countries come here?" He lamented that we aren't getting more from places like Norway instead. And, proving yet again that faith in humanity is a mental disorder, he has no shortage of worshipers defending this indefensible remark. I guess once you've defended "Grab them by the -----" it's a bit late to pretend you have principles.

The United States of America was founded by impoverished, uneducated immigrants and, in many cases, refugees fleeing to a land that was already inhabited. And now several white and orange descendants of those impoverished, uneducated immigrants and refugees have decided that this is exclusively their country and modern immigrants and refugees can go screw themselves. This attitude is about as un-American as you can get. To say nothing of un-Christian, though virtually all of these people claim somewhat implausibly to follow Christ. I don't purport to judge their hearts, but I wish to be on record now and forever as denouncing their ideology and their words for the festering goat vomit that they are. Oh, and it turns out that most Norwegians are well off enough to not have to move to a country run by a clueless xenophobic jackass. (That's you, Mr. President.) But hey, at least he speaks his small, disgusting, abominable mind.

Of course I'm still looking at ways to get more attention. Get a load of this.

Of course the pages being accessed here are "It Ain't Ogre Till It's Ogre", "Review of the Mata Nui Online Game", "Why Are Mormons So Hot?" and various parts of "LDS Racial History". The first is a story I wrote that says a little too much about how I see the world. The second refers to a game that defines my childhood and oozes nostalgia. It's true, my ward is full of hot Mormons, and I'm not just talking about the females and I'm not just talking about the young people. I daresay we have more heat per capita than the Sahara desert at noon. And my website has more information about Mary Frances Sturlaugson Eyer, the first black LDS sister missionary ever, than any other internet source. Not in a creepy way. It's all taken from her autobiographies that I borrowed from my grandparents a little over two years ago and should probably return now.

I do what I can with SEO and Facebook shares and stuff, but I think my most effective tool has been unsolicited word-of-mouth. Claire Warburton, Amelia Whitlock, and Allie Haas seem to have been my most enthusiastic proselytizers. Claire was the one who sparked it off. I mentioned the blog to her for some reason that I don't even remember now, thinking nothing more of it, and certainly not expecting her to binge-read it and share it with her roommates and sister and whoever came to her house. I think that, for better or worse, the blog appeals more to people who know me than strangers who stumble across it. And I want all the people who know me to read it so they'll know I'm smarter than I come across in person (especially this one girl at church who's very kind but keeps speaking to me like I'm a child). Granted, then they'll also realize that I'm not as nice or innocent as they think, but the tradeoff is worth it. I wouldn't mind a bit more unsolicited word-of-mouth. Hint, hint.

I went back to school at Utah State University, home of the true-blooded Aggies from Utah who love the spot where the sagebrush grows, this week. It took about five minutes of my first class to realize why my adviser warned me about taking fifteen credits this time. More on that in the next installment of my thrilling life.

Mormon millennial neo-apologist Jaxon Washburn writes, and graciously allows me to cut down on the work put into this post by sharing:

"One of my New Year's Resolutions (I have several others) is to be more kind, respectful, and charitable in my online interactions.

Social media represents a manner and stage of communication that society has yet to fix particular values of etiquette towards that are well understood by the majority. Contrary to face-to-face engagement, indicators of tone, facial expression, and body language are all but absent when messaging from behind a screen. Many experience a feeling of safety and isolation that can cause them to speak in a way that they would never imagine if in front of the person they are conversing with.

We've all seen it, and perhaps even participated in it. Interactions that are less-than-polite, are scathing, are snarky, and are condescending are all too common on social platforms such as Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, and others.

Seeing as I tend to focus on religious, spiritual, philosophical, political, or social topics for the majority of my posts, these kinds of interactions by both myself and others have certainly taken place at times.

So for 2018 I'm repenting and pledging the following:

I will not return snark for snark online.

I will ignore negative individuals, and if I must respond I will not do so out of anger.

I won't feed the trolls or be a troll.

I will extend the benefit of the doubt, assume good intent, and be charitable.

I'll be quicker to agree to disagree.

I'll remember that I am speaking to an actual person with actual feelings and experiences.

I won't write a comment at another's expense.

I will treat others how I wish to be treated.

For this night and all the nights to come, this is my resolution for 2018.

​Who else wants to join me? We can make the internet a more compassionate and positive place! 😊"

Jaxon is a friend of mine even though I'm jealous of him for being 19 and much smarter than me. And he is nothing if not kind, respectful, and charitable in his online interactions. Me? Not so much. I know that I have often been a jerk here and elsewhere and undoubtedly will continue to be, though in my defense I've been through a lot of crap and it's very difficult to be polite to people who are less intelligent than the dirt under my toenails. Not naming any names. I do think I've gotten a little better each year and I'll have to be satisfied with that rate of progress for now because surprisingly enough I have even more glaring defects to work on first. So while I would like to join Jaxon in this resolution, I have to start with smaller, more manageable ones, like flapping my arms and flying to the moon. I am grateful to all the friends who have tolerated my immaturity for so long.

We talked about resolutions/goals in Sunday school, and marriage in the temple was brought up as an example. Despite the stereotypes we don't actually talk about marriage very often and that's fine with me. I didn't say anything, since I don't want to be a jerk and derail lessons - actually, I do, but I let my better nature prevail - but I don't think marriage is a good goal, simply because I don't think one should make goals that are largely dependent on other people's choices over which one has little or no control. It's the same principle as missionaries not setting goals for a certain number of baptisms. So I think marriage is a fine aspiration, a fine thing to work toward and prepare for, but not a goal as such. As I mentioned, a missionary in Nigeria is, on his own initiative, praying for God to bless me with a nice wife to help me with exaltation. I'm immensely touched that someone wants that for me more than I want it for myself. I have never prayed for a wife. I think he's wasting his breath and should pray for something more reasonable, like world peace, but I'm keeping an eye out for spaceships just in case.

It seems only right to say something about the death of Thomas S. Monson, prophet, seer, revelator, and President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. But I don't know what to say. I must admit I never connected to him emotionally like I did to his predecessor, Gordon B. Hinckley, and his declining health for the last few years of his life was far more obvious. When President Hinckley died I was shocked and took several days to process it. This time it was just like, yeah, he was old and he died and that's that. Because I know that death is merely a gateway to the next phase of existence, I am not at all worried or sad for him. He's very happy right now. The LDS Church, which has been said to change at a pace that makes glaciers look speedy, changed an incredible amount during President Monson's tenure of nearly a decade, and mostly for the better. Most significant, in my opinion, were the increase in convert retention and reactivation and the increase in transparency about doctrine and history, which are both very exciting and crucial to Mormonism's continued viability in the years to come.

Since he disdained the notion that "all you need is love", I'm not sure how he'd feel about this, but his legacy in my mind and probably in millions of other minds will be summed up as "loving". The great love radiating from him whenever he spoke was obvious even to one so emotionally stunted as I. It was obvious even when I questioned the truth of the things he was saying. I couldn't doubt his sincerity for a moment. He loved all people the way I love people who don't piss me off. And he showed it, most importantly, not just with his words but with his actions of ministering and uplifting individuals throughout his life even as he became busier and busier and older and older. He treated all people the way I treat people who don't piss me off. You can tell he was a great man because the New York Times made his obituary a hit piece, with none of the admiration they reserve for pimps and murdering dictators.

In case you haven't noticed, I am not a fan of the current U.S. President. However, I want to give him credit where it's due for being brave enough to say something classy for a change even though it annoyed several of the evangelicals who voted for him. If he started behaving like this all the time, I would forgive the past and revise my opinion of him considerably.

And here's another tribute I liked from probably the LDS Church's greatest allies in the world.

President Monson loved telling stories to illustrate points, even more so than the average General Authority, which is of course also a major component of how Jesus taught and how most scriptures are set up. There was a brief period of time when I questioned whether it really entailed any divine inspiration for him to tell stories instead of something "deeper", or at least longer and more detailed sermons like all of his colleagues. But I know now that their power lay in their brevity and simplicity all along, so that anyone aged 5 to 105 from any walk of life can learn from them. When the Mormon people have applied the lessons he taught we can move on to something else. For me this is the most memorable story that I immediately associate with him, perhaps because one way or another I've stood alone my entire life.

In the last couple years of his life President Monson put an increased focus on reading the Book of Mormon and pleaded with members to do so. It may seem a simple thing, but I know it was very important to him and he wasn't saying it just to hear his own voice. So one of my goals for this year is to do that in the morning and spend significant time on it instead of hastily squeezing it in before bed, and that's been a challenge because I must admit there are things I'd rather be doing. The Book of Mormon is the most correct book on Earth but not the most exciting. Still, when I push myself and get into it and focus I find nuggets of wisdom and spiritual promptings to help me with my current trials and weaknesses. Every day that I start with it, I find temptation far less appealing. I'm sure that if I stick with it enough it will become easier and then a lifelong habit.

And of course the other main thing Thomas S. Monson will be remembered for is this: