One fine autumn Tuesday I was at work listening to Palette-Swap Ninja's "Princess Leia's Stolen Death Star Plans", a brilliant parody of the Beatles' entire "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" album that follows the plot of "A New Hope", when I had the brilliant idea to do my own Star Wars parody. The Cracrofts are all Star Wars fans and have referenced it many times, of course...
Tyler (on Santa's lap): “Good” is a point of view, Santa. The Sith and the Jedi are similar in almost every way, including their quest for greater power.
Santa: Sorry, that's not how it works, kid.
Tyler (waving hand): You will bring me everything on my list.
Santa: Look, kid, there's a line here, so if we could wrap this up...
Tyler: Whatever. I bet you're not even the real Santa.
Santa: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Alvin: Disney has decided that most of the Star Wars Expanded Universe is no longer canon. More than thirty years of books, comics, video games, and just like that none of them count...
Tyler: So, they're saying that those fictional events in that made-up universe didn't actually happen? The horror!
Alvin: Please let me grieve in peace, Tyler.
...but never so extensively as now, in what is by far the longest storyline I've ever written for this franchise. I churned out twenty-eight strips and then went back and inserted several more because, despite its obvious dependence on the source material, I wanted to have a complete self-contained story with no significant gaps. Though I tried not to totally rip off anyone else's jokes - a daunting task given that this territory has been trodden for forty years - I was heavily influenced by, in addition to the movie itself (duh), the Star Wars stylings of "Phineas and Ferb", "Robot Chicken" (NSFW), "Irregular Webcomic!", "Darths and Droids", and "Surf Rat & Spencer". Sadly, the "Surf Rat & Spencer" website disappeared this year (even though merchandise is still available at Cafe Press) and many of the comics fail to load in Wayback Machine's archive, including the "Surf Wars" saga. This saga recapped the entirety of "A New Hope" leading up to "The Phantom Menace" and was probably my biggest inspiration for this general idea. One of those strips survives because I used it in a blog post last year, so here it is again.
And of course, like most parodies, mine makes fun of Star Wars. I always make fun of the people and franchises I love.
Alvin Cracroft as Luke Skywalker
Rachel Cracroft (Alvin's wife) as Princess Leia Organa
Tyler Cracroft (Alvin and Rachel's daughter) as C-3PO
Steve the Komodo Dragon (the Cracrofts' pet) as R2-D2
Bill Cracroft (Alvin's brother) as Han Solo
Susan Cracroft (Alvin's sister) as Chewbacca
Ivan Cracroft (Alvin's grandfather) as Obi-Wan Kenobi
Geraldine "Jerry" Cracroft (Alvin's grandmother) as Yoda - who isn't in this movie, sorry
George Cracroft (Alvin's father) as Darth Vader
Connie Cracroft (Alvin's mother) as Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin
Some of the characters were chosen because of their similarity to the movie roles, and others because of their contrast. The main reason I put the relations in parentheses is in case anyone needs reminding that Tyler is a girl. And yes, unfortunately there just wasn't a spot for Jerry. I already had to gender-swap three characters to fit the other females.
A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far, Far Away...
Opening Crawl: It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire, if you don't count the “Rebels” cartoon series. During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans for the Empire's ultimate weapon...
Opening Crawl: ...the Death Star, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet. Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Leia races home aboard her starship, custodian of the secret plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy...
Opening Crawl: For those of you keeping track at home, this is a fine example of the storytelling technique known as “in media res”, which is Latin for “into the middle of things”.
What? Breaking the fourth wall in my comics? It can't be... also, yes, I have the opening crawl memorized, not from watching the movie but from listening to this.
Tyler/Threepio: Did you hear that? They've shut down the main reactor. We'll be destroyed for sure. This is madness!
Tyler/Threepio: They'll be no escape for the Princess this time. Serves her right for getting us into this mess.
Tyler/Threepio: You're right, Artoo, it is convenient how none of these laser blasts are hitting us as we take our sweet time waddling through them.
Rachel/Leia: Here, Artoo, I wrote the Death Star plans on this napkin. Keep it in your mouth and regurgitate it when you find Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Stormtrooper 1: There's one! Set for stun!
Rachel/Leia: Welcome to my ship, guys! Can I help you?
Stormtrooper 1: She'll be all right. Inform Lord Vader we have a prisoner.
Stormtrooper 2: I almost feel bad for how easy that was.
George/Vader: You weren't on any mercy mission this time. Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by Rebel spies. I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you.
Rachel/Leia: I don't know what you're talking about.
George/Vader: Don't give me that bantha –
Stormtrooper: Wait, Lord Vader. I think she really means it.
(In the escape pod)
Tyler/Threepio: I almost feel bad, leaving Vader alone with her.
George/Vader (off-screen): You know, the Rebellion that's been going on for fifteen years?? Ring a bell??
Praji: Lord Vader, the battle station plans are not aboard this ship, and no transmissions were made. An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting, but no life forms were aboard.
George/Vader: What?? Bring me Captain Bolvan at once!
George/Vader: You ordered Lieutenant Hija to hold his fire, captain?
Bolvan: Yes, Lord Vader. I figured there was no way she could have hidden the plans in the escape pod, and it's not like there's such a thing as mechanical beings that don't give life readings, so... uh... so...
Bolvan: I'll just submit my resignation now.
George/Vader (raising fist): That won't be necessary.
Tyler/Threepio: Nice landing, Artoo. Now let's see... our best strategy is to meet up with some Jawas, have them sell us to Obi-Wan Kenobi, and pickpocket the money for ourselves.
Tyler/Threepio: Hello there, Jawas, I wonder if –
Jawa 1: Utinni!
Jawa 2: Utinni!
Tyler/Threepio: I foresee a complication.
Jawa 3: Utinni utinni utinni!
Also, all Jawas look the same to me. I'm sooo racist.
Alvin/Luke: Do you speak Bocce?
Tyler/Threepio: As far as you know.
Alvin/Luke: I'll take these two.
Tyler/Threepio: Do you have family or roommates?
Alvin/Luke: No, I live alone.
Tyler/Threepio: Good, because the Empire will probably burn this place to the ground.
I did some summarizing and simplifying, especially with the Tatooine scenes and end battle, to keep this from going on as long as the actual movie. Even I would get sick of that.
Tyler/Threepio: Artoo! That message was meant for Obi-Wan Kenobi!
Alvin/Luke: Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Alvin/Luke: I wonder if he means old Ben Kenobi?
Tyler/Threepio: We'll find out. So long, sucker!
Alvin/Luke: I haven't even told you where he lives, Threepio.
Tyler/Threepio: Fine. You can come too.
Alvin/Luke: Sand People! They're the worst.
Tyler/Threepio: Are they, Master Luke? And you assume they're all the same? Have you ever taken the time to get to know one?
Alvin/Luke: Well, I – gyah!
(Tusken Raider jumps up and knocks him back)
Tusken Raider: Graah!
Tyler/Threepio: I'm just saying, maybe if you made the first move toward mutual respect...
Tusken Raider: Uuuuur ur ur ur ur!
Tyler/Threepio: Bwahahaha! “Ur ur ur” to you too!
In a short story called "The Moisture Farmer's Tale", Ariq Joanson does make an attempt to befriend the Sand People, and it does work, until... well, just read it.
Panel 1 (and only)
(The Tusken Raiders are fleeing)
Alvin/Luke: Ben? Ben Kenobi? Boy, am I glad to see you!
Tyler/Threepio: Are Sand People easily startled?
Ivan/Obi-Wan: Not in general, but those ones owe me a lot of money.
Alvin/Luke: You fought in the Clone Wars?
Ivan/Obi-Wan: Yes. I was once a Jedi Knight, the same as your father. Which reminds me...
Ivan/Obi-Wan: I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, and since we're about to go on a fool idealistic crusade, well... Your father's lightsaber.
Alvin/Luke: Ooh! What's this button do?
Ivan/Obi-Wan: POINT IT THE OTHER WAY! POINT IT THE OTHER WAY!
Alvin/Luke: How did my father die?
Ivan/Obi-Wan: A young Jedi named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights. Vader was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force.
Alvin/Luke: The Force?
Ivan/Obi-Wan: Well, the Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.
Tyler/Threepio: Tell him about the midi-chlorians, Obi-Wan!
Ivan/Obi-Wan: Whelp, look at the time. We'd better deliver those plans.
Little-known fact: George Lucas created the midi-chlorians way back with the original movie, but felt that there wasn't time to explain them, so they went unmentioned for twenty-two years. Contrary to popular misunderstanding, midi-chlorians do not create the Force, but just make it accessible to the beings in whose cells they live. The Force itself is still unexplained. I think they actually make sense as a reason for why some people can use the Force and others can't. Also, a real-life mitochondrial bacteria is now named after them. In the Auralnauts universe, midi-chlorians are heroin.
Motti: Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the Rebels' hidden fort...
George/Vader (choking him): I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Connie/Tarkin: Actually, he has a point.
George/Vader: What?? Whose side are you on, Tarkin?
Connie/Tarkin: I'm just saying, we haven't gotten the plans back or found the base. That's all I'm saying.
George/Vader: Perhaps you'd like to talk with the Princess? She's forgotten everything, and she isn't bluffing!
Motti: Hello! Dying here!
Ivan/Obi-Wan: Mos Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Except for Jabba's palace. And the Playboy Mansion.
Alvin/Luke: I'm ready for anything.
Ivan/Obi-Wan: These aren't the droids you're looking for.
Stormtrooper: These aren't the droids we're looking for.
Ivan/Obi-Wan: Bring me a taco.
Alvin/Luke: Ah, Obi-Wan, let's move along.
"Tacos rule!" - George W. Bush
Also, I wrote this jab at the Playboy Mansion the day before Hugh Hefner's death, but out of respect for said death, I now pose this philosophical question: What's the difference between Jabba the Hutt and Hugh Hefner? Answer: Jabba the Hutt is a fictional character.
Wuher: Hey! We don't serve their kind here!
Tyler/Threepio: Bite my shiny metal –
Alvin/Luke: Listen, why don't you wait out by the speeder. We don't want any trouble.
Evazan: I don't like you either. You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence on twelve systems.
Alvin/Luke: Yeah? I wouldn't go around advertising that fact on a planet crawling with bounty hunters.
(Outside the cantina)
Tyler/Threepio: Listen to them, Artoo, they're having fun without us. Typical.
Wuher (off-screen): No blasters! No blasters!
"Futurama" reference for the win.
Bill/Han: Han Solo. I'm captain of the Millennium Falcon. Chewie here tells me you're looking for passage to the Alderaan system.
Susan/Chewie: Graawr! (Cough cough.) Sorry.
Ivan/Obi-Wan: Yes, indeed, if it's a fast ship.
Bill/Han: Fast ship? You've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
Ivan/Obi-Wan: Should I have?
Bill/Han: It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs.
Ivan/Obi-Wan: Whoa, Luke, we almost got taken in by this scam artist. Everyone knows a parsec is a unit of distance, not time.
Of course the explanation come up with for this is that the Kessel Run involves going around black holes, and the closer one is willing to get to the black holes, the shorter the route and the faster the time. But in the movie, the look Obi-Wan gives Luke clearly says he doesn't believe a word of it. And hires him anyway. Also, I think the idea of Susan/Chewbacca being able to talk and just having something stuck in her throat is funny. I stole it from "Robot Chicken".
Ivan/Obi-Wan: You'll have to sell your speeder.
Alvin/Luke: Oh, great! What am I supposed to drive when I get back?
Ivan/Obi-Wan: Er... get back?
Alvin/Luke: Yeah. This trip's only going to take a few hours, right?
Tyler/Threepio: Well I'm never coming back to this craphole again.
See, it's funny because in the movie Luke wants to get away from Tatooine... yeah.
Greedo: Oona goota, Solo?
Bill/Han: Yes, Greedo, as a matter of fact, I was just on my way to see your boss.
(Bill/Han shoots Greedo)
Susan/Chewie: Seriously, Han?
Bill/Han: What? Like I'm gonna give him a chance to shoot first?
This one is obvious to any true fan, but I'm not sure about normal people. See here for an explanation of the controversy. Also, in the movie you can see that Chewbacca is only a couple meters away when Greedo confronts Han. Either his hearing isn't very good or he knows how seriously to take Greedo.
Alvin/Luke: What a piece of junk!
Bill/Han: She'll make point five past light speed. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid. I've added some special modifications myself.
Alvin/Luke: Modifications? Like what?
Bill/Han: Well, secret floor compartments for smuggling contraband, a backup hard drive, fuzzy dice in the cockpit...
Alvin/Luke: Fuzzy dice? Where'd you get those? I've been meaning to get some for my T-16, but Tosche Station is always out of stock.
Bill/Han: We're a little rushed, so if you'll hurry aboard we'll get out of here.
Stormtrooper (off-screen): Stop that ship! Blast them!
The Millennium Falcon does canonically have a backup hyperdrive, albeit much slower than the main one, which is the post hoc explanation for why it didn't take them years to get to Bespin in Episode V. Because it turns out space is actually really big.
Rachel/Leia: Governor Tarkin! I love what you've done with this place! Lots of gray, with gray highlights.
Connie/Tarkin: Charming to the last. You don't know how hard I found it signing the order to terminate your life!
Rachel/Leia: Well, thanks for making the effort just for me.
Connie/Tarkin: Princess Leia, I'm going to put this in simple words. Tell us where the Rebel base is, or we'll blow up your home planet, Alderaan. Understand?
Rachel/Leia: Well, a tragedy of that magnitude is just too big to register on an emotional level.
George/Vader: You see what I've been dealing with, Tarkin?
Alvin/Luke: What's the matter, Obi-Wan? Did you feel a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced?
Ivan/Obi-Wan: Either that, or I had too much to drink at the cantina.
Ivan/Obi-Wan: You'd better get on with your exercises.
Alvin/Luke: Right. Feel the Force, feel the Force...
Bill/Han: Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other. I've seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've never seen anything to make me believe there's one all-powerful “force” controlling everything.
Ivan/Obi-Wan: Han, the Jedi were fighting to save the galaxy nineteen years ago, and you must be at least twenty-five. Don't you remember?
Bill/Han: I didn't pay much attention in school.
Han is actually twenty-nine in "A New Hope", so he was CIRCA TEN YEARS OLD when the Jedi were exterminated. And he's from Corellia, a Core World, not some obscure backwater. Very strange.
Susan/Chewie: Aw, crud.
Tyler/Threepio: He made a fair move. Screaming about it can't help you.
Susan/Chewie: I wasn't screaming, I just –
Bill/Han: Let her have it. It's not wise to upset a Wookiee.
Tyler/Threepio: But sir, no one worries about upsetting a droid.
Bill/Han: That's 'cause droids don't pull people's arms out of their sockets when they lose. Wookiees are known to do that.
Tyler/Threepio: Yeah? I'm made of metal. I'll “let her have it” all right...
Susan/Chewie: Forget it! I'll let the droid win!
Cass: Our scout ships have reached Dantooine. They found the remains of a Rebel base, but they estimate that it has been deserted for some time.
Connie/Tarkin: She lied! She lied to us!
George/Vader: I think she honestly just remembered wrong.
Connie/Tarkin: Terminate her! Immediately!
Connie/Tarkin: And by “immediately”, of course I mean wait a bit in case someone comes to rescue her.
George/Vader: Of course.
Yeah, it was only a couple minutes before the Millennium Falcon showed up and Vader decided that "she may yet be of some use to us", but why did it even take that long? How hard was it to radio Detention Block AA-23 and say "Shoot the Princess"?
Bill/Han: Stand by, Chewie, here we go. Cut in the sublight engines.
Susan/Chewie: Roger roger.
Bill/Han: What the – aw, we've come out of hyperspace into a meteor shower. Some kind of asteroid collision. It's not on any of the charts.
Alvin/Luke: What's going on? Where's the planet?
Bill/Han: Either it's been totally blown away, or we're looking in Alderaan places.
Susan/Chewie: Too soon, Han.
(TIE Fighter zooms past)
Alvin/Luke: It followed us!
Ivan/Obi-Wan: No, it's a short range fighter.
Bill/Han: Well, he ain't going to be around long enough to tell anyone about us.
Alvin/Luke: Look at him. He's headed for that small moon.
Ivan/Obi-Wan: That's no moon. It's a planet.
Bill/Han: You sure? I think it's just an asteroid. Depth perception can be wonky in space.
Ivan/Obi-Wan: It's too smooth to be an asteroid.
Alvin/Luke: I still think it's a moon. Alderaan had a moon, right?
Bill/Han: Well there certainly couldn't have been another planet this close to it.
Susan/Chewie: Hello, guys? Tractor beam?
Rachel isn't the only one who has her moments. Even I can't resist the "men are stupid and women are smart" trope sometimes.
George/Vader: Send a scanning crew on board. I want every part of this ship checked.
Khurgee: Yes, sir.
Stormtrooper 1: We have faster-than-light technology, but our scanning equipment is as big as the Ark of the Covenant?
Stormtrooper 2: The what now?
Bill/Han (beneath floor): They're coming! Okay, when they get here we'll jump them, then lure the guards up and take their uniforms.
Alvin/Luke (beneath floor): They'd better hurry. Chewbacca is sitting on my face.
Susan/Chewie (beneath floor): Sorry about that.
I tried to think of what's the size of the scanning equipment, and all I could think of was the Ark of the Covenant. I initially didn't like that because it's very jarringly not a Star Wars item. But then I figured it was a crossover tribute to "Raiders of the Lost Ark" to reciprocate the hieroglyphic carvings of R2-D2 and C3-PO in that film. (They're not obvious, but you can see them if you look closely.) And besides, I already broke out of the Star Wars galaxy by referencing the Playboy Mansion.
Tyler/Threepio: The tractor beam is coupled to the main reactor in seven locations. A power loss at one of the terminals will allow the ship to leave.
Ivan/Obi-Wan: I don't think you boys can help. I must go alone.
Bill/Han: Whatever you say. I've done more than I bargained for on this trip already.
Alvin/Luke: I want to go with you.
Ivan/Obi-Wan: Your destiny lies along a different path than mine. The Force will be with you... always!
Alvin/Luke: Thank goodness. It'll be nice and safe in here. Did I sound convincing enough?
Bill/Han: You could have waited until he left to do your happy dance.
Alvin/Luke: The Princess? She's here?
Bill/Han: Princess? What's going on?
Tyler/Threepio: I'm afraid she's scheduled to be terminated. Serves her right for getting us into this mess.
Alvin/Luke: Oh no! We've got to do something! They're gonna kill her!
Bill/Han: Better her than me!
Alvin/Luke: She's hot.
Bill/Han: Well why didn't you say so? Let's go!
Tyler/Threepio: Artoo and I will stay here, far away from you idiots.
Some versions of the script actually included this brief exchange that I think should have been kept:
Luke: She's beautiful.
Han: So's life, kid.
Panel 1 (and only)
Childsen: Where are you taking this... thing?
Susan/Chewie: That's hurtful, man.
Rachel/Leia: Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?
Alvin/Luke: Huh? Oh, the uniform.
Alvin/Luke: I'm Luke Skywalker, I'm here to rescue you.
Rachel/Leia: Skywalker? That's a sexy name. Did I mention I'm into short guys?
Bill/Han: Can't get out that way!
Alvin/Luke: I'm flattered, Princess, but let's save the flirting for later.
Rachel/Leia: Can you put your helmet back on, Luke? You look better with it.
I wouldn't know flirting if it bit me in the face, but that's what David Morgan-Mar claims "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?" is. He wonders whether Leia is making a ploy to escape, or just already suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.
George/Vader: He is here.
Connie/Tarkin: Obi-Wan Kenobi? What makes you think so?
George/Vader: A tremor in the Force. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master.
Connie/Tarkin: Surely he must be dead by now.
Connie/Tarkin: I mean, he would be what, 57 now? Yeesh.
George/Vader: At least I'm pretty sure that old geezer Yoda is dead.
57 is Obi-Wan's canonical age in "A New Hope". Many people think he aged too quickly, but he was only 5-6 years younger than Sir Alec Guinness (the actor playing him), and seeing everyone you know die and then living on Tatooine for nineteen years probably takes a toll on you. I never quite understood Tarkin's logic here. He's well aware that Vader didn't kill Obi-Wan, and none of the Inquisitors etc. have bragged about killing Obi-Wan, so why does he make this assumption?
Bill/Han: He's the brains, sweetheart.
Alvin/Luke: Well I didn't –
Rachel/Leia: Hey, let's see where this grate leads to.
(Rachel/Leia shoots the grate)
Bill/Han: The garbage chute was a really wonderful idea. What an incredible smell you've discovered!
Rachel/Leia: It could be worse. At least there's not an enormous squid-thing to eat us, or moving walls to flatten us.
Dianoga (off-screen): Groan!
Alvin/Luke: There's something alive in here!
Bill/Han: It's your imagination, kid.
Alvin/Luke: Something just moved past my leg! Look! Did you see that?
Rachel/Leia (digging through garbage): Hey, I had a Twi'lek doll just like this when I was little!
I wanted to have Rachel/Leia say "Hey, somebody threw away a perfectly good bantha burger!" but then I remembered that would be a rip-off of "Phineas and Ferb". Sigh. Why is there a Twi'lek doll in the Death Star trash compactor? I imagine that Chief Bast kept it at his desk to remember his little girl who died of space cancer. But then Darth Vader saw it and, not wanting his men to be "soft", threw it away. The distraught and enraged Bast escaped the Death Star's destruction in Tarkin's shuttle, then returned to the Empire claiming to have been gone on a supply run, and after a year or so of patient waiting he got his revenge by recommending the forest moon of Endor as a site for the second Death Star's shield generator, citing the harmlessness of the primitive natives. This needs to be canon, Disney.
Alvin/Luke: The walls are moving!
Rachel/Leia: Oh, good. I've been meaning to do a crash diet.
Alvin/Luke (over comlink): Threepio! Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level!
Tyler/Threepio: What's in it for me?
Alvin/Luke (over comlink): Threepio, just do it, you stupid bantha fodder!
Tyler/Threepio: I'd be more respectful if I were in your position, Master Luke.
Ivan/Obi-Wan (thinking): Dum de doo... don't mind me... just deactivating the tractor beam... I'm sure there's no monitors or readouts to alert someone when I do...
Ivan/Obi-Wan (thinking): All these years and still no safety railings? This place is a lawsuit waiting to happen. Where's OSHA when you need them?
Stormtrooper 1: Give me regular reports, please.
Stormtrooper 2: Do you know what's going on?
Stormtrooper 3: Maybe it's another drill.
Ivan/Obi-Wan (thinking): I could use the Force to distract them... or fling them into this bottomless shaft. Hmm...
Ivan/Obi-Wan would be excellent at CinemaSins.
Rachel/Leia: You came in that thing? You're more macho than I thought.
Bill/Han: I don't look macho?
Stormtrooper: It's them! Blast them!
Bill/Han (running after stormtroopers): Get back to the ship!
Susan/Chewie: Oh bother.
Alvin/Luke: Where are you going? Come back!
Rachel/Leia: He certainly has courage.
Alvin/Luke: Good thing we don't actually need him. I'm not such a bad pilot myself.
Alvin/Luke: I think we took a wrong turn!
Rachel/Leia: Ooh, there's an echo! Hello! My name is Rach– I mean Princess Leia!
Alvin/Luke (preparing cable): These stormtroopers don't shoot very well, do they?
Rachel/Leia: Yeah, it's almost like they're letting us go or something. But that would just be silly.
(Rachel/Leia kisses Alvin/Luke)
Rachel/Leia: For luck.
Alvin/Luke: Better give me more luck just to be safe.
George/Vader: I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master.
Ivan/Obi-Wan: Only a master of evil, Darth.
(They begin lightsaber dueling)
George/Vader: Well, yeah. I'm second - er, third in command of the entire galaxy. I have thousands of ships, millions of troops, and a planet-destroying superweapon at my disposal. It's not a bad gig.
Ivan/Obi-Wan: Your point is well taken.
George/Vader: Sheesh, this is the lamest swordfight ever. Remember our last one? When did we get so old?
Ivan/Obi-Wan: Force Shmorce. It hasn't done jack for my arthritis.
Ivan/Obi-Wan (thinking): There's Alvin and the others... if I sacrifice myself, it will distract the Imperials long enough for them to escape, as long as none of them yell really loud or something stupid like that.
Alvin/Luke (off-screen): NO!
George//Vader: What? He disappeared? Qui-Gon didn't disappear. None of the Jedi I saw die in the Clone Wars, or killed myself afterward, disappeared. Why did this jerk disappear?
Stormtrooper: Lord Vader, the Rebels are escaping!
George/Vader: You can't just pull a stunt like this without explaining it, Obi-Wan!
It was supposed to be explained at the end of "Revenge of the Sith". Right before Obi-Wan shows up at Polis Massa, Qui-Gon's spirit was supposed to speak to Yoda while the latter was meditating, and explain that he had discovered a way to live on after death from a Shaman of the Whills, and that he would teach Yoda and Obi-Wan. For some unfathomable reason this scene was cut before Liam Neeson was even brought in to dub it. Of course it remains in the novelization. This was later explained - kind of - in one of the last episodes of "The Clone Wars", also featuring Qui-Gon, where Yoda goes on some kind of vision quest slash acid trip and learns the wisdom to begin obtaining immortality.
Alvin/Luke: I can't believe he's gone...
Rachel/Leia: I can relate a little bit. My planet blew up today. That's kind of similar, right?
Bill/Han: Come on, buddy, we're not out of this yet!
Susan/Chewie: Here they come!
Rachel/Leia: Here they come! Strange that the moon-sized space station only has four TIE Fighters.
Tyler/Threepio: Hey! Master Luke, I called dibs on that turret!
Who knows what Chewie is growling at this point in the movie, but I figured why not have Susan/Chewbacca saying "Here they come!", making Rachel/Leia's repetition of the line useless?
Willard: You're safe! When we heard about Alderaan we feared the worst.
Rachel/Leia: Yeah, fortunately it was just my adopted parents, two billion other people, and countless irreplaceable plant and animal species.
Rebel Technician: So... this droid has the Death Star plans? How do we... uh... retrieve them?
Tyler/Threepio: Spit them out, Artoo. Oh dear. You seem to have swallowed them.
Rebel Technician: Er, so...
Tyler/Threepio: We just need to wait a bit. You're not in a hurry, are you?
Two billion is the canonical population of Alderaan before "A New Hope". Zero is the canonical population of Alderaan after "A New Hope". Is Rachel being dumb, callous, or sarcastic? You decide.
Dodonna: An analysis of the plans provided by Princess Leia shows that we just need to shoot our proton torpedoes into a two-meter-wide thermal exhaust port, and the Death Star will explode.
Wedge: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!
Alvin/Luke: No, actually it makes sense.
Alvin/Luke: A laser powerful enough to destroy a planet must generate tons of waste energy. It has to be shunted out somehow. Actually, it's impressive that they could keep the port down to two meters.
Bill/Han: Kid, you are such a nerf herder.
Alvin/Luke: And I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my T-16 back home. They're not much bigger than two meters.
Wedge: That's messed up, Luke.
As much as I love "Rogue One" (How could I not? My wife was in it), I didn't see any particular need to "justify" the Death Star's weakness. They would have done better to explain why there's a long, wide freaking trench leading up to it.
Alvin/Luke: So... you got your reward and you're just leaving then?
Bill/Han: That's right, yeah! My make-out session with the princess was great, but I've got other girls waiting for me. Even if I didn't, you don't think I'd be fool enough to stick around here, do you?
Alvin/Luke: Come on! Why don't you take a look around? You know what's about to happen, what they're up against. They could use a good pilot like you. You're turning your back on them.
Bill/Han: Hm. I am a pretty good pilot, aren't I?
Bill/Han: Why, you sly dog, you almost got me with flattery.
Susan/Chewie: Keep trying! Say something about his abs!
In the original cut of the cantina scene, Han observes Obi-Wan's swordsmanship but is more interested in kissing a woman named Jenny, whom he dismisses with the word "Sweetheart" as Luke and Obi-Wan arrive at his table. It kind of puts a damper on his relationship with Leia to realize that he just abandoned another woman.
Red Leader: All wings report in.
Red Ten (over radio): Red Ten standing by.
Red Seven (over radio): Red Seven standing by.
Red Three (over radio): Red Three standing by.
Red Six (over radio): Red Six standing by.
Red Nine (over radio): Red Nine standing by.
Red Two (over radio): Red Two standing by.
Red Eleven (over radio): Red Eleven standing by.
Alvin/Luke: Red Five standing by. How does this numbering system work, anyway? Why do we report out of order? Why is my number not the highest one, since I'm new?
Red Leader: The previous Red Five died while he was asking questions instead of paying attention.
This probably wasn't worth devoting a strip to.
Wedge (over radio): Heavy fire, boss! Twenty degrees.
Red Leader (over radio): I see it. Stay low.
Alvin/Luke: This is Red Five; I'm going in!
Biggs (over radio): Luke, pull up! Are you all right?
Alvin/Luke: I got a little cooked, but I'm okay. That was so worth it!
Biggs (over radio): I bet I can make a bigger explosion than that!
Alvin/Luke: Yeah? Let's see you try!
Red Leader (over radio): Keep it together, boys.
Goren: Squad leaders, we've picked up a new group of signals. Enemy fighters coming your way.
Rachel/Leia: Judas Priest, this is bad.
Tyler/Threepio: What are you so worried about? Those ships don't even have deflector shields and their pilots are a credit a dozen. We took out four and barely got a scratch, remember?
Rachel/Leia: You're right. It's a good thing they don't have any phenomenal pilots who can use the Force.
(Aboard the Death Star)
George/Vader: Several fighters have broken off from the main group. Come with me!
Red Nine (over radio): It's a hit!
Red Leader (over radio): Negative! It didn't go in. Just impacted on the surface.
Alvin/Luke: Well, stang.
(George/Vader destroys Red Leader's X-Wing)
Red Leader (over radio): Eeeyaaaaaaah!
Alvin/Luke: I should be upset that he's dead, but I'm more upset about me being in charge now.
Wedge (over radio): Me too.
"Stang" is a canonical Star Wars swear word. This blog post is now rated R. But seriously, why does the Rebellion's newest pilot get put in charge while Biggs and Wedge are still around? He may be the best pilot, but he has the least experience working with the squadron.
Alvin/Luke (thinking): Everyone is dead but me. Darth Vader is on my tail. I have to make this shot or the Rebellion will be destroyed forever. This is why I never wanted to leave Tatooine.
Ivan/Obi-Wan (disembodied voice): Use the Force, Luke.
Alvin/Luke: What the –
Ivan/Obi-Wan (disembodied voice): Let go, Luke.
George/Vader: The Force is strong with this one. Which reminds me, I've always hoped that my child is alive... but Obi-Wan would have changed his last name and hidden him on some planet I've never heard of.
Yes, I know Wedge isn't dead, he's just gone, but that takes too long to explain. And the reason Yoda and Obi-Wan hid Luke on Anakin's home planet is that they assumed Vader would stay the heck away from it because of his painful memories there. And that seems reasonable enough. However, Disney has now established that he built a fortress on the planet where he strangled his pregnant wife, lost his remaining three limbs, and became a Crispy Critter, so their assumption may have been a little off. And I see no excuse for the name thing. "Luke Lars"... is that so difficult?
Alvin/Luke (thinking): This is crazy. I barely started my training. But here goes nothing...
Rebel Technician (over radio): His computer's off. Luke, you switched off your targeting computer, what's wrong?
Alvin/Luke (thinking): They must be even more scared than I am.
Alvin/Luke (over radio): Nothing! Nothing, I'm all right!
Rachel/Leia: Luke, Luke, he's our man! If he can't do it, we're all screwed!
Tyler/Threepio: I'm gonna go check the shuttles for, uh, maintenance.
For some reason I found myself needing to pad out space here, and therefore showed more of Alvin/Luke's thought process. This had the unusual effect of making the moment at least as serious, if not more so, than the movie equivalent, in stark contrast to most of this storyline. Which I guess is kind of a nice twist.
(Aboard Death Star)
Loudspeaker: Rebel base in range.
Connie/Tarkin: You may fire when ready. Nothing can stop us now.
Officer: Knock on wood! Knock on wood!
Bill/Han (over radio): Yeehoo!
Bill/Han (over radio): You're all clear, kid! Now let's blow this thing and go home!
Rachel/Leia: I wonder how many deaths he could have prevented if he'd been here from the beginning? Eh, whatever.
And then there's the small matter of Endor. The first time Han tries to plant the charges and destroy the shield generator, he's in a hurry because the Rebel fleet is going to arrive at any moment. But on his second and more successful attempt, while the fleet is in the process of being exterminated, he takes his sweet time and pauses to give the Imperials his sarcastic smile and shrug. How much blood is on his hands?
Panel 1 (and only)
(Alvin's X-Wing and the Millennium Falcon fly away from the explosion of the Death Star)
Bill/Han: Great shot, kid! That was one in a million!
Ivan/Obi-Wan (disembodied voice): Remember, the Force will be with you... always.
Alvin/Luke: You're right, Artoo, it was convenient how they took so long to fire this time.
The novel Death Star explains that Master Chief Gunnery Officer Tenn Graneet was actually stalling because he had felt like crap ever since he realized he was the biggest mass murderer in the history of the galaxy. Thanks to Disney, this wonderful novel is no longer canon. Deleted scenes from "Return of the Jedi" also show the Emperor ordering Moff Jerjerodd to destroy the forest moon of Endor if the Rebels succeed in taking out the shield generator, and then the latter's hesitation in carrying out this order because several of his own men are down there. It raises the stakes for the Rebellion and shows the humanity of a high-ranking Imperial officer, and I think it should have been kept in. How did Artoo and Luke know how long it took to destroy Alderaan? Leia told them, obviously. In the original novelization of "Star Wars", Luke becomes sort of unconscious while using the Force to fire the torpedoes, so the story skips ahead several seconds to when he's actually flying away. I liked that and imitated it here.
Tyler/Threepio: Oh yeah! We bad! We bad! Death Star? More like Dead Star! Suck it, Palpatine! We're coming for you next!
Alvin/Luke: Thanks for the support, Threepio.
Rachel/Luke: Well, you are both very attractive men and it's going to be difficult choosing between you. Right now I'm leaning toward Luke. We seem to have a lot in common.
Bill/Han: A little too much in common, if you ask me.
Rachel/Leia: I'm so sorry, Chewbacca, but I forgot to get you a medal.
Susan/Chewie: No worries, I'm sure it has nothing to do with your latent racism.
Alvin (thinking): Too bad there wasn't room for Grandma Jerry in my dream... I guess she can be Yoda in the sequel.
Alvin: Rachel, I just had the most incredible dream. I dreamed that you and I and Tyler and Steve and a bunch of other family members were characters in the original Star Wars.
Rachel: Eh. Lame.
Rachel: Star Wars parodies have been done to death. Try something original next time.
Ohhh, so that's why they were breaking the fourth wall. Good, I was worried for a while... Anyway, I hope you liked it.
Darthenshmirtz - The Sith-inator
If anyone is still reading at this point, here's a real catchy number from the Phineas and Ferb special. It was a toss-up between this and stormtrooper Candace's "In the Empire", which I will probably share some other time.
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About the Author
C. Randall Nicholson is a white cisgender male and a Latter-day Saint, so you can hate him without guilt, but he's also autistic, so you can't. Unless you're an anti-vaxxer, in which case the feeling is mutual. This blog is where he periodically rants about life, the universe, and/or everything.