Still More Cracroft Comic Scripts

I sketched out three comics for the first time a couple weeks ago, and they came out so awful that I gave them to my co-worker Dory as a passive-aggressive symbol of my barely hidden contempt for her. I should have thought to scan them and share them here as a passive-aggressive symbol of my barely hidden contempt for humanity, but I didn't. Oops.

Alvin was intended to be the main character, but Tyler has been taking over as she grows up, being the most popular character among both of those polled (me and the woman she's named after and inspired by). My document has page after page of Tyler this, Tyler that. At times I have to consciously resist this trend and re-insert Alvin and Rachel. Also, in case you forgot or weren't around when I posted it, the Cracrofts are friends with an alien from Tobin named Mr. Flglmyyysphtsx, whom they call by the nickname "Mr. F" for some reason. Remember that because he'll be important again later. That is, if you even care. I don't know how much anyone besides me cares about these, but I like making posts out of them because it's like doubling the output of my effort.

Jerry Dies (2016)

Regardless of how they may turn out in practice, I want my comics to be funny, yet they're also supposed to cover real world and realistic events that are often not funny. And sometimes that's okay. I think of how "Calvin and Hobbes" sacrificed humor in some storylines, like when their house was robbed or when Calvin found an injured raccoon, and was all the richer for it. I tried to find a balance here because I believe in respecting the deceased, unless of course they were total sacks of crap while alive (cough Hugh Hefner cough), but I haven't got much respect for death itself at all. If it comes painlessly, it could come to me five minutes from now and I'd be fine with that. Geraldine "Jerry" Cracroft is named for my great-grandmother Geraldine "Jerry" Jensen, who died in 2010.

​Panel 1
Alvin: Sweetie, I'm sorry to tell you this, but... Grandma Jerry died last night.
Tyler: What? Nooooo!
Panel 2
Alvin: I know it's hard, sweetie. But she was struggling with health problems. It was time, and she's much happier now.
Tyler: Waaaaah!
Panel 3
Alvin: I know that doesn't make it any easier...
Tyler: Yeah. Piss off and just let me be sad.

Panel 1
Tyler (in bed): God, I don't know if you exist, and frankly I have my doubts, but if you do, explain something.
Panel 2
Tyler: Why did you take Grandma Jerry away from me? Don't you know that I need her? Don't you know that she understands me?
Panel 3
Tyler: If you just need an old lady, I'll trade you Mrs. Philbinski.

Panel 1
Ivan: Jerry had her requested funeral arrangements all right here. I can't bear to look at them... George?
George: Sure, dad.
Panel 2
George: “Don't waste your money on an expensive fancy coffin. Those are a scam. Most coffins are chosen for their appearance – hello, idiots! It's going to be buried underground!”
Panel 3
Ivan: Heh. Classic Jerry.
George: “'Lifetime guarantee'? Who the crap is going to check on it?”

Yes, they are a scam. Taking advantage of grievers is all too easy. When I die, I'm perfectly content for my body to be thrown in a compost heap, fed to wolves, used for target practice by my enemies, and/or literally anything else. I died. I'm dead. I'm not using it anymore. I'm just speaking for myself, of course, and not advocating doing that to other people's bodies, but there's got to be a middle ground between that and stupidly expensive coffins.

Panel 1
Pastor Hartgraves: We gather this day to celebrate the life of Geraldine Cracroft, who has gone home to the rest of our Lord.
Panel 2
Pastor Hartgraves: Jerry accepted Jesus into her heart, so y'all have nothing to worry about. No fire and brimstone for her.
Panel 3
Pastor Hartgraves: On that note, this is the first time in a while I've seen many of y'all in church...
Ivan: Stay on topic, Pastor Hartgraves.

Panel 1
Alvin: Jerry was a wonderful grandmother. I'll never forget the feeling of love in her house every Sunday dinner, and how it made me want to live up to it.
Panel 2
George: Jerry was the best mother a guy could ask for. I thank God for blessing me with this woman to make me the man I am today.
Panel 3
Ivan: Jerry was a pain in the butt, but she was my pain in the butt.

Panel 1 (and only)
Ivan (to casket): What gives, Jerry?? You can't just leave me in this crazy, mixed up world all alone!

Panel 1
Sid: Dis 'ere's da las' will an' testamen' o' Jerry Cracroft, what's recently deceased.
Bill: Did she leave anything good for me? Her dolls, maybe?
Panel 2
George: Bill! Really!
Susan: I'd be satisfied with just her toaster oven.
Sid: Y'know, mebbe 'er demise was brought on premature by da reindeer incident... Dat was 'er, wasn' it? We could sue Santy Claus agin.
Panel 3
Ivan: I'd like a different lawyer and different grandchildren.
Alvin: What? I didn't say anything!
Sid: Looks like she stiffed y'all anyway. Dere's a buncha charities listed 'ere.

Oh yeah, there was a "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" storyline that I never posted.

Panel 1
Jerry: Hello, Tyler.
Tyler (in bed): What? Grandma Jerry?
Panel 2
Jerry: I'll always be with you, in your heart.
Tyler: Yeah, yeah. That's not the same and you know it.
Panel 3
Jerry: Well, I'm also here as a ghost.
Tyler: That is significantly better.

Panel 1
Jerry: Tyler, death is a part of life. It comes for all of us. We shouldn't fear it or worry about it.
Panel 2
Jerry: I hope you don't even need to think about it for a long time. You have so much potential ahead of you. But when it does come, just think of it as a portal to the next phase of your existence.
Panel 3
Tyler: That's easy for you to say. You died in your sleep.
Jerry: The same principle applies to being eaten alive. Find a happy place.

Ivan Turns 100

I wanted a death for story purposes, but I also like having a super old person who's always just super old and still around. I think specifically of Grandpa from "The Simpsons". Since I'm being semi-realistic here, I had to give mine an actual age. In doing research I was surprised to learn that while living to 100 is obviously now more common than ever, it's still not very common at all. Don't count on living that long because in all likelihood you won't. You're welcome. Ivan Cracroft is named after my great-grandfather Ivan Nicholson, who died in 2005, and incorporates elements of him, his son my grandfather Eugene Nicholson (still living), and my great-grandfather Russell Jensen (husband of the aforementioned Jerry Jensen), who died in 2016 (I used his death year for Jerry's in the story) and was commemorated in this blog post. Of all my great-grandparents, he was around the longest so I knew him best, which unfortunately still isn't saying much.

​Panel 1
Alvin: Grandpa Ivan will turn one hundred years old this month.
Rachel: Being a bit prematurely optimistic, aren't you?
Panel 2
(Alvin stares at her)
Panel 3
Rachel: What?

This is the thought I've always had when I read early centenarian announcements in the Deseret News. One of the refreshing examples of Rachel being more sensible than other people.

Panel 1
Alvin: I want to do something special for Grandpa Ivan's birthday. Something big.
Panel 2
Rachel: Let's get a ton of people to hide in his house and jump out and yell, “Surprise!”
Panel 3
Alvin: Er – he's very old, Rachel.
Rachel: Good point. We'll have to yell real loud.

Panel 1
Tyler: I'm happy for Grandpa Ivan, but I don't understand why people treat one hundred like a sacred number. Just because it's big and round?
Panel 2
Tyler: And why do we idolize multiples of five and ten, for that matter? Why is a twenty-fifth anniversary more significant than a twenty-sixth?
Panel 3
Rachel: It's because we have five fingers on each hand and five toes on each foot, for a total of ten each!
Tyler: Sure, but you're the only person I know who still needs them to count.

Panel 1 (and only)
Rachel (to store worker): Do you have any Lego sets without an age limit of 99?

Panel 1
Ivan: I never expected to be this old. I never wanted to be this old. Life is funny that way.
Panel 2
Ivan: I've seen a lot of changes over my lifetime. Some of them good, some not so much. One of them was losing my companion. I wish she were still here to celebrate this milestone with me.
Panel 3
Ivan: But if she were here today, she'd want us to cut short the pretentious speeches and eat cake.
Tyler (holding plate): You heard the man! Fill 'er up!

Panel 1
Ivan: Another train! Most excellent!
Alvin: I can help you set it up.
Panel 2
Ivan: I know how to set up model trains, Alvin. I've been doing it for over seventy years.
Alvin: Er, right – I just thought –
Panel 3
Ivan: That my eyesight is too poor? That my fingers are too shaky? That I forgot how?
George: Hey, dad, there's another present over here! Let's open it!

Ivan has a huge model train layout, like my grandpa Eugene. I did a story about that which I probably should have shared before this one, but I didn't because I'm just jumping all over the place. Sorry.

Panel 1
Tyler: Grandpa Ivan, I feel like I've been around forever, but I can't imagine being around as long as you.
Ivan: Yeah, it's really something.
Panel 2
Ivan: Every year goes by faster, though. It seems like I was forty just yesterday. And it seems like I've done everything and seen everything and I'm ready to be done.
Panel 3
Tyler: I'd miss you, though.
Ivan: When you get to be a hundred, you may as well just die, but you don't die until you die, you know?

Ivan's punchline is taken verbatim from Charlotte, a woman I knew from the Rocky Mountain Care nursing home. She's gotten her wish since then. She also once said, "When you can't remember how old you are, you're too damn old."

Panel 1
Tyler (in bed): Why didn't you visit Grandpa Ivan for his birthday, Grandma Jerry?
Jerry: But I did, Tyler!
Panel 2
Jerry: It takes a special mind like yours to see, let alone converse with visitors from the beyond. But I often visit him too. I take a great interest in his life.
Panel 3
Tyler: You should murder him so he can be with you again.
Jerry: I thought of that too, but it's against the rules.

Awww.

Introducing Audrey (2016)

I felt like Tyler needed another nemesis and a powerful figure to run her school. But I always felt sorry for Principal Skinner, so this one has a different dynamic. Principal Donaldson dishes out as well as she takes, so her conflict with Tyler is really a battle of wills with each gaining the upper hand at times. It's also a relationship of mixed feelings as she holds Tyler in high regard despite her exasperation, and tries to encourage her to fulfill her potential. With her introduction, the comic now has three mentor figures for Tyler, the others being Pastor Hartgraves and the ghost of Grandma Jerry. Of course her parents also try to mentor her but she doesn't take them seriously. She only asks Rachel's advice for entertainment purposes.

​Panel 1
Audrey: Hey everyone. Thanks for coming out tonight. I'm the new middle and high school principal, Audrey Donaldson, and I'd like to be the first to welcome you all to the next chapter of your lives.
Panel 2
Audrey: Ah yes, Tyler Cracroft. I've heard a lot about you.
Alvin: Uh...
Tyler: I'm flattered.

Panel 1
Audrey: Tyler, I do hope we're going to be friends. You'll want me as a friend.
Tyler: How are you so sure of that?
Panel 2
Audrey: Because if I'm not your friend, I can be very... unpleasant.
Tyler: I see.
Panel 3
Audrey: I hope we understand each other, Tyler.
Tyler: Of course. You're challenging me to be more unpleasant than you.

Panel 1
Tyler: So, Audrey –
Audrey: Bzzt. Wrong. You will address me as “Miss Donaldson” or “Principal Donaldson”.
Panel 2
Tyler: Why should I?
Audrey: Because I am an adult and you will treat me with respect.
Panel 3
Tyler: Seventeen-year-olds aren't really adults.
Audrey: I'm twenty-three!

Panel 1
Alvin: Miss Donaldson, I'm so sorry about Tyler.
Audrey: Nothing to be sorry about, Mr. Cracroft.
Panel 2
Audrey: I knew when I took this job that some of the students would be more difficult than others. I relish this challenge and opportunity to make a difference in her life.
Panel 3
Audrey: If she's not a respectable young lady by the time she graduates, I'll resign.
Alvin: But I'm worried you'll commit hara-kiri before then.

Audrey tries various approaches with Tyler, hoping to find something that sticks:

​Panel 1
Audrey: Look, Tyler, I understand. You're a teenager. You've got to blow off steam. I was young once too, believe it or not.
Panel 2
Audrey: Listen up, you wretched little delinquent, if we have any more of these unacceptable shenanigans from you there will be serious consequences, capische?
Panel 3
Tyler: I think you're supposed to have two people for “good cop, bad cop”, Principal Donaldson.
Audrey: My secretary took the day off.

Strangely enough, I have several scripts of Tyler in Audrey's office, but have yet to write any explaining what she actually does to get in trouble. Maybe it's better left to the imagination. And also I'm not that creative because I was a very good boy in high school and the only time I went to the principal's office was when my "friends" joked that I had broken a computer when I hit it because it was being slow. (I did hit a computer because it was being slow, but someone else had broken a different one.)

A Couple More Involuntary Celebrity Guest Stars (2018/2019)

Audrey wants her students to have a fun and enriching high school experience, so sometimes she brings in celebrities to talk to them. The real reason is that I think putting real people in my comics is funny.

Panel 1
(At school assembly)
Audrey: Please welcome our special guest, Lea Thompson, here to teach us about the dangers of doing drugs!
[clap clap clap clap clap]
Panel 2
Lea Thompson: Hi, I'm Lea Thompson. You might remember me from such roles as Marty McFly's mom in “Back to the Future”, Marty McFly's mom in “Back to the Future Part II”, and Marty McFly's great-great-grandmother in “Back to the Future Part III”.
Panel 3
Tyler: Weren't you also in “Howard the Duck” and “The Beverly Hillbillies Movie”?
Lea Thompson: Heh heh, I don't know what you're talking about!

​Panel 1
(At school assembly)
Audrey: And now please welcome our very special guest, Gal Gadot, star of the “Wonder Woman” mov–
Tyler (off-screen): SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Panel 2
Tyler (off-screen): EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Panel 3
Tyler (off-screen): EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Audrey: We have a fangirl in our midst.
Gal Gadot: You don't say?

Audrey's New Friend (2022)

Yeah, maybe I'm running out of ideas.

Panel 1
Mary: Hello, Tyler, good to see you again. What brings you back here?
Tyler: Hey Mary. Are you familiar with the musical “Little Shop of Horrors”?
Panel 2
Mary: Sure. I played Chiffon in my high school's production.
Tyler: Really? Wow. Okay, so, do you think you could work up something like Audrey II for Principal Donaldson? Not to actually like eat her, but just scare the crap out of her, hopefully.
Panel 3
Tyler: You know, just a harmless little prank. Could you have it in like a week?
Mary: A week? You mock my abilities. See me after school.

I had to think about this. Would Tyler actually try to murder her principal? She's a brat, sure, but not a monster...

Panel 1
Mary: Here's your Audrey II, Tyler, complete with the voice of Levi Stubbs. It does eat meat, but not human. So just feed it sausage or something.
Tyler: Excellent. You're the best, Mary.
Panel 2
Tyler: Et tu, Audrey II?
Audrey II: Feed me, Cracroft! Feed me now.
Panel 3
Tyler: I'm getting chills.
Mary: Thank you.
Audrey II: Did I stutter, punk?

Panel 1
Audrey II: I'm quite comfortable in my masculinity, yet here I am stuck with a cutesy feminine name. There's nothing quite like the embarrassment of having a name from the opposite sex.
Panel 2
Audrey II: Do you get where I'm coming from, Tyler?
Tyler: I can't say that I do.

Panel 1
Audrey II: Feed me, Alvin! Feed me all night long!
Alvin: That's a cute little toy you've got there, Tyler.
Tyler: Thanks, dad.
Panel 2
Steve: Hiss!
Tyler: Don't be jealous, Steve, he'll only be here tonight.
Audrey II: What?? You're getting rid of me already?? I promise to be good and not eat anything sentient...
Panel 3
Tyler: I'm sorry, Twoey, but the top predator niche in this house has already been filled.
Audrey II: I talk! I sing! I produce oxygen! Can your lizard do that?

Panel 1
Tyler: So that's the movie you came from. Cool, huh?
Audrey II: Yeah. But I think it would have been better if the plant ate Audrey and Seymour, and then its cuttings rampaged through major cities that were conveniently devoid of children and infants.
Panel 2
Tyler: Well, that's exactly what happened in the original ending, but test audiences hated it. So it was replaced with this light-hearted, romantic ending.
Audrey II: Romantic? Pfeh! It's obvious that Seymour never really loved Audrey.
Panel 3
Tyler: No?
Audrey II: No. He just wanted to get into her plants.
​
If you haven't seen the original ending, do so. The rampaging sequence goes on for like ten minutes, is some of the most expensive deleted footage ever filmed, and is all the more impressive for having used no CGI. A lot of people have now come to prefer that ending. I guess my biggest problem with its replacement is how Audrey gets chewed on by a mouth bigger than her whole body and emerges without so much as a scratch. I'm sorry, but she should have died.

Panel 1
Tyler: Hey, Principal Donaldson, I know you don't like me to call you “Audrey”, but that is your name, so I got you this plant named Audrey II.
Audrey: Oh! How immensely flattering and not creepy at all!
Panel 2
Audrey: My classmates were always making dumb jokes about that movie. “Audrey, how's Seymour doing?” “Audrey, how's the plant life?” “Audrey, has your sadistic dentist boyfriend broken your arm lately?”
Panel 3
Tyler: You're taking this in good stride, Principal Donaldson.
Audrey (to Audrey II): And aren't you just the cutest widdle fing! Yes you are! Yes you are!
Audrey II: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Panel 1
Tyler: Well, Principal Donaldson wasn't scared at all. Lame.
Mary: I've failed you? I don't understand... I'm so sorry.
Panel 2
Tyler: No, no, you did great. But she loves that movie and she thinks the plant is cute.
Mary: Well, to each her own. Though I'm surprised, seeing as the characteristics of cuteness are pretty uniform across mammalian species and that plant doesn't have them.
Panel 3
Audrey: More spam, Mr. Audrey, sir?
Audrey II: This is demeaning but I can't help liking it.

"Mr. Audrey, sir" is what the Bride of Frankenstein allegedly called Audrey II after their first encounter, according to the lyrics of "Bad", a song demo that eventually evolved into "Mean Green Mother from Outer Space".
#obscuretriviathatnoonecaresabout

Panel 1
Audrey: Thank you again for the gift, Tyler. I appreciate your thoughtfulness, and I hope you can forgive my suspicions, but... given your track record...
Panel 2
Audrey: I can't be certain this was a true act of altruism. I feel like you may have put Audrey II in my office to cause trouble or incriminate me somehow.
Tyler: What are you saying, Principal Donaldson?
Panel 3
Audrey: I'm saying I think he might be a plant.
Tyler: I'm leaving.

The Cracrofts Go to Comic-Con (2023)

The selection process of the previous comics in this post may have seemed random, but they actually all provided necessary backstory for this story. Maybe it isn't worth the payoff since this one probably appeals to a very narrow demographic, but it appeals to me and this is my blog so here it is. In the interest of space I will keep the rest of my annoying commentary to a minimum.

​Panel 1
Alvin: Okay guys, time to plan a vacation. Money's a little tight this year, but I'm sure we can find something fun to do.
Rachel: Let's go see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota!
Tyler: Let's not and say we did.
Panel 2
Tyler: Let's go to Disneyland.
Alvin: You mean Disney World, right? That's much closer.
Mr. F: Let's go to Comic-Con.
Panel 3
Alvin: Gah! Mr. F, you scared the crap out of me!
Mr. F: My apologies. I thought I was one of the family by now.

Panel 1
Mr. F: My latest assignment is to study the phenomenon of “nerd culture”. I have secured five tickets to Comic-Con, and I would like to bring y'all with me.
Tyler: Count us in! Unless my parents want to be lame.
Panel 2
Alvin: Er – this is most kind of you, Mr. F. I don't know how to thank you.
Mr. F: No thanks necessary. I'm just doing my job.
Panel 3
Alvin: You're literally getting paid to go to Comic-Con?
Mr. F: It's a hard job at times, but someone has to do it.

Panel 1
Tyler: Mr. F, there's only four of us here – I mean, Steve can't come. So I'd like to bring my boyfriend, Zack.
Rachel: Who says Steve can't come? He could be a dewback!
Mr. F: That should be fine. But he doesn't know about me, does he?
Panel 2
Tyler: No. We're not at that point in our relationship.
Mr. F: The more Earthlings know about me, the harder it will be to conduct objective studies. You all must tell him that I am an Earthling in a costume.
Panel 3
Tyler: You're asking me to lie to my boyfriend?
Mr. F: My studies indicate that dishonesty is a vital component of dating.

Panel 1
Tyler: Zack, this is my cousin Fred. Fred, this is my boyfriend Zack.
Zack: A pleasure! That's the sickest costume I've ever seen!
Mr. F: Thank you, Zack. I made it myself.
Panel 2
Tyler: We've got a long way to go, so if you'll get in the car...
Alvin: Nice to see you again, Zack.
Zack: Hey, Mr. Cracroft.
Panel 3
Tyler (off-screen): Nine hundred bottles of Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters on the wall, nine hundred bottles of Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters...
Alvin (to Rachel): I still don't understand what he sees in her.

Panel 1
CD Player: And we're, banned from Argo, every one... banned from Argo just for havin' a little fun...
Mr. F: What is this?
Alvin: Leslie Fish. One of the great filkers of all time. My brother Bill and I saw a bunch of them at cons back in the day... Bill Roper, Frank Hayes, Julia Ecklar, Kathy Mar, Roberta Rogow...
Panel 2
Mr. F: Filkers?
Alvin: “Filk”, originally a typo for “folk”, was the music of nerd culture. Sci-fi and fantasy parodies of songs sometimes hundreds of years old. People would sing it at cons and distribute their homemade tapes.
Rachel: Bill has dozens of those tapes. We got some transferred to CD.
Panel 3
Alvin: Sadly, it peaked in the eighties. There probably won't be many filkers at this one.
Tyler: You've gotta be filking kidding me.
Rachel: Tyler...

Filk music is real and I love it.

Panel 1 (and only)
(Alvin is dressed as Darth Maul, Rachel as Rey, Tyler as an Amazon warrior, Zack as Harry Potter, Mr. F as himself)
Alvin: At last we will reveal ourselves to the Comic-Con. At last we will have tickets.
Tyler: Don't quit your day job, dad.
Rachel: I just realized that I'm Rachel Rey! Hahahahaha!
Zack (to Mr F): I can't see, like, a zipper or anything!
Mr. F: No offense, Zack, but you're making me uncomfortable.

Panel 1
Alvin: Tyler... promise not to squeal really loud if I tell you some good news.
Tyler: Sure, whatever.
Panel 2
Alvin: Gal Gadot is at this con.
Tyler: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Panel 3
Tyler: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Alvin: You literally just promised not to do that, Tyler!

Panel 1
Alvin: Looks like the few modern filkers are here. Vixy & Tony, the great Luke Ski... Ooh! Jonathan Coulton!
Tyler: If Gal Gadot is here, they can invite the Doodlebops for all I care.
Panel 2
Alvin: Hey, Tom Smith is playing in fifteen minutes.
Tyler: There's a big filking surprise.
Panel 3
Alvin: Tyler Anne Cracroft – actually, that's a good one.
Rachel (to Mr. F): It's funny because he's fat.

Tom Smith has referred to himself as having "an equator instead of a waistline", so I think I'm allowed to call him fat.

Panel 1
Alvin: Okay, Tyler, you and Zack can go see Gal Gadot if you want. Rachel and I will go see Tom Smith. Er, Fred, what do you want to do?
Mr. F: I'm undecided.
Panel 2
Mr. F: This Gal Gadot person must be pretty special, from Tyler's reaction, but I'm very intrigued by this filk music... I suppose I'll watch Tom Smith and leave if I get bored.
Rachel: You probably won't. He's quite the entertainer.
Panel 3
Alvin: Excellent. Okay, Tyler, don't get lost, and meet us back here in – crap.
(Tyler and Zack are gone)

Panel 1
(Becky is dressed as Buffy the Vampire Slayer, David as Dr. Who)
Tyler: Becky! David! Fancy seeing you here.
Becky: Yeah, no thanks to you.
Panel 2
Tyler: We didn't have room in our car for you guys. We took my boyfriend Zack, here, and my cousin Fred.
Zack: Sorry about that.
David: Are you Dr. Who too, Zack?
Panel 3
Zack: No, Harry Potter. Common mistake.
Tyler: I'm actually surprised you guys would come together without me as the “glue”.
Becky: Our parents are under the impression that we don't hate each other.

Panel 1
(At the Tom Smith performance)
Mr. F: Would you consider yourself a typical nerd?
Hot Girl: Oh, totally. I wear glasses sometimes.
Panel 2
Mr. F: I see. And that's all it takes?
Hot Girl: Well, I also saw a Star Wars movie once.
Panel 3
Mr. F: Which one?
Hot Girl: I don't even remember now... oh, and sometimes I play Candy Crush.
(Alvin and Rachel are visibly wincing)

Panel 1
(Ivan is dressed as Gandalf, Bill as Indiana Jones, Susan as Catwoman)
Tyler: Grandpa Ivan! I didn't expect to see – er –
Ivan: A 101-year-old guy walking? As long as I've got my trusty chaperones, I'm fine.
Bill: That's us.
Panel 2
Tyler: Cool, cool. So who are you, Dumbledore?
Ivan: Gandalf.
Panel 3
Tyler: That would have been my second guess.
Ivan: My options are kind of limited since I'm not willing to shave.

Panel 1
Alvin: Shoggoth went ticka-lee-lee!
Rachel: When timbers are shivered and lilies are livered...
Mr. F: Now he's Fenton... lamb of the inferno...
Panel 2
Alvin: No sign of Tyler... I hope she's not harassing poor Gal too much...
Rachel: Who cares? Better her than us. What else is there to go to?
Mr. F: I've got the schedule here.
Panel 3
Alvin: “The Avengers as an Allegory for Anarcho-Communism”. Sounds promising.
Rachel: I'd like to see “In Defense of Hobbit Hunting”.
Mr. F: Hey look, “Fictional Aliens Through the Ages”. I could use a good laugh.

Panel 1
Tyler: Grandpa George. I'm not even surprised anymore. Nice Spock ears.
George: I'm actually Sarek, his father.
Panel 2
Tyler: Right. And Grandma Connie, you must be some kind of discount Amazon warrior. No offense, but mine is better.
Connie: I'm Xena, Warrior Princess.
Panel 3
George: I told her she's too old for it, but there was no stopping her.
Connie: You know it's what Jerry would have worn if she were here.

Panel 1
Mr. F: So, would you describe yourself as a typical nerd?
Bystander 1: Hmm, not so much a nerd as a geek.
Panel 2
Mr. F: I see. Can you explain the difference between those terms?
Bystander 1: Well, many use them interchangeably, but the main difference is that, unlike nerds, geeks like me have social skills and talk normal.
Bystander 2: Hey! Take that back!
Panel 3
Alvin: Try not to start a war while you're here, Mr. F.
Mr. F: Yes, the council would frown on that.
Bystander 1 (off-screen): Kiss my Wookiee!
Bystander 2 (off-screen): By Grabthar's hammer, I shall avenge myself!

Panel 1
Audrey (off-screen): Hello, Tyler. Hello, Zack.
Tyler: Gyaaaah!
Panel 2
Tyler: Principal Donaldson. What a pleasant surprise.
Zack: I didn't know you were into Comic-Con stuff.
Audrey (off-screen): Always. And conveniently enough, I already had an Audrey II, so...
Panel 3
Tyler: So you dressed up as Seymour Krelbourne.
Audrey: Well, yeah. I hate to do the obvious thing.

Panel 1
Bystander: So what actual franchise are you from?
Mr. F: Er, I'm just a generic alien, representing the universal lore from which all sci-fi springs.
Panel 2
Bystander: Right, but you know those generic aliens are actually an unconscious manifestation of first world guilt, right? Ever noticed how they look like malnourished children?
Mr. F: Er... not as such, no...
Panel 3
Alvin: Can you guess what franchise I'm from?
Bystander: The most overdone one in history?

Panel 1
Tyler: I thought she'd never leave us alone... okay, Gal Gadot should be just up these stairs, second door on the left.
Zack: Hey, can we check this out?
Panel 2
Zack: A panel discussion of Star Trek vs. Star Wars! I've always wanted to see one of those!
Tyler: Seriously? They don't fill the same niche just because they both have “Star” in their name, you know!
Panel 3
Tyler: They may as well discuss X-Men versus X-Files.
Zack: That's up next.

Panel 1
Alvin: Ooh, James Roday and Dulé Hill have a booth!
Rachel: Right next to Felicity Jones and that other guy nobody cares about!
Panel 2
Alvin: And then if we hurry, we can catch Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillion, and Felicia Day!
Rachel: Back from the dead now, is she?
Panel 3
Mr. F: I'm unfamiliar with these people. Are they nerd deities?
Alvin: You could say that.
Rachel: Ooh, Robert Downey Jr.! I wonder if he'll make “that face you make when”?

Panel 1
Zack: That was very interesting. I'd never considered whether or not Scotty could kick Kylo Ren's butt.
Tyler: Yeah, yeah, it was an intellectual tour de force. Let's hurry.
Panel 2
Zack: Which way were we headed when we came in here?
Tyler: Up these stairs.
Panel 3
Zack: You're sure it was the second door on the left?
Bystander (to Tyler): Gal Gadot? She's in the other end of the building.

Panel 1
Judge 1: Your attention please! The winner of this year's costume contest is –
Judge 2: Wait! Look!
Panel 2
Judge 2 (off-screen): You there!
Mr. F: What? Me?
Panel 3
Judge 2 (off-screen): Get up here!
Mr. F: Is my cover blown?
Alvin: Just the opposite, I think.

Panel 1
Tyler: Hey! Where did this crowd come from? Move it! Scootch your bootches!
Zack: Excuse us, please, we're in a bit of a hurry.
Panel 2
Tyler: What the heck is going on here?
Bystander: Michael Bay is going to mud-wrestle JJ Abrams in ten minutes.
Panel 3
Tyler: Nerd culture has hit a new low.
Bystander: It's for charity.

I wanted Stan Lee to be in this, but it turns out he'll probably be dead by the time it takes place, since most people don't live to be 100.

Panel 1
Judge 1: Your attention please! The winner of this year's costume contest is Fred, for his incredibly seamless and lifelike generic alien costume!
Mr. F: Well, thank you kindly, sir.
Panel 2
Alvin: Way to go, Fred!
Bystander: That rotten little... I worked on this costume for five weeks! I was a cinch to win!
Panel 3
Rachel: What are you supposed to be, Captain Picard?
Bystander: Lex Luthor, genius!

Panel 1
Alvin: There you are, sweetie! Did you – oh no...
Tyler (crying): She's gone! We were too late, and she's gone!
Panel 2
Alvin: Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry...
Tyler: I'm gonna go back to the hotel and cry for a few days.
Panel 3
Rachel: Zack, I have an idea for how you can be Tyler's Jedi Knight in shining armor, but I ought to mention that it could get you arrested.
Zack: I'm game.
Mr. F: May I tag along?

Panel 1
Rachel: Help! Help! This psycho is going to shank me!
Zack: Give me all your “Firefly” merchandise, or else!
Panel 2
Rachel: Oh, if only WONDER WOMAN were here to save me!
Zack: Ha! Wonder Woman isn't real!
Panel 3
Rachel: Well, I can always hope for –
Gal Gadot: The mugger's right, you doofus.

Panel 1
Gal Gadot: Cute little stunt you guys pulled. But you should leave the acting to the professionals.
Rachel: Ouch.
Zack: But it worked, didn't it?
Panel 2
Gal Gadot: The only reason I'm giving you weirdos two seconds of my time is that I wanted to meet the winner of the costume contest.
Mr. F: I'm just an innocent bystander who's too scared to intervene.
Panel 3
Zack: Well, since you're here, will you come talk to my girlfriend? She's your biggest fan.
Mr. F: I'll let you touch my costume.
Gal Gadot: Sure, whatever.

Panel 1
[Knock knock]
Zack: Hey, Tyler, there's someone here to see you.
Tyler (off-screen): Tell them to piss off and just let me be sad.
Panel 2
Zack: I'm afraid Wonder Woman doesn't take no for an answer.
Tyler (off-screen): Say what?
Panel 3
Tyler (off-screen): SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Rachel: You did good, Mr. F.
Mr. F: Most peculiar. I've never heard another Earthling make that noise.

Panel 1
Gal Gadot: I remember you. I came to your school a few years ago.
Tyler: You remember me?
Panel 2
Gal Gadot: Yeah, not sure that's a good thing, but whatever.
Tyler: Gal – can I call you Gal? – I look up to you more than you can imagine. Not just because of the Wonder Woman character, but because you're also a wonder woman in real life.
Panel 3
Gal Gadot: Well, as we say in the industry, flattery will get you everywhere. If you promise not to squeal, I'll give you an autographed photo of us together.
Tyler: SQU– okay.

Panel 1
Gal Gadot: It feels weird to be idolized. I'm just a person.
Panel 2
Gal Gadot: Just a ridiculously attractive, strong, attractive, rich, attractive, famous, attractive person...
Panel 3
Gal Gadot: Hm, maybe not that weird.
Tyler (stupefied, thinking): I'm breathing the same air as her right now.

Dory was telling me about how all women have self-esteem problems and she said that even Gal Gadot is probably self-conscious about her appearance, so I thought it would be funny if she actually wasn't. Of course as always I made no attempt to emulate the person's real-life personality.

Panel 1
Mr. F: Well, Cracrofts, it's been a pleasure as always. I shall treasure these memories, along with the fraudulently obtained contest prize money.
Alvin: Come back soon! Our door is always open!
Panel 2
Mr. F: I think I will come back soon. If I tell the council that there's much more information for me to obtain, they may allow me to attend the next Comic-Con.
Rachel: You poor thing. Work, work, work.
Panel 3
Tyler: Mr. F, thank you so much for helping me meet Gal Gadot. You're the best – er, second best.
Mr. F: How come you've never asked for an autographed photo with me?

Iceferno - Lost Woods Remix

I think this sounds kind of Halloween-y and also I just love it. The original is one of the best compositions ever created, and this takes it in a whole new direction worthy of its legacy.