Although we're only supposed to get books delivered at work, we get all kinds of other junk too. Sometimes I find interesting clothes and put them on as a desperate cry for attention, like so:
This week someone handed me a bra. I had some difficulty putting it on because it wasn't like the one I wore in Spain eight years ago. This one had a clasp in the front and went on like a backpack. And I immediately found this clasp to be rather irritating. I realized later that it was probably because I had a shirt underneath and it was pressing the fabric into my skin, but at the time I thought maybe this was normal and that wearing it was perhaps, in all seriousness, an opportunity to empathize with the opposite sex. I was just listening to Madonna's "What it Feels Like for a Girl" earlier that day, too. "But secretly, you'd love to know what it's like, wouldn't you?" she asked.
No, I thought, believe it or not I'm okay with not knowing what menstruation and childbirth feel like. But this I could handle.
I found a blouse and put that on over it to preserve my modesty. Eventually Dory came along and said, "I like your shirt." Because that's what she called my blouse. For some reason I know more about female clothing than she does.
I said, "That's not all I've got," and showed her my bra.
She said, "I feel like I've just been sexually harassed." And it took some fast talking to get out of that one.
At the end of the day, I had to throw my clothes away because we aren't allowed to take anything out of the warehouse. And wouldn't you know it, the clasp of my bra got stuck. I asked Dory to help me open it. She laughed at me and refused. This experience just goes to show that when you get into sticky situations, you find out who your real friends aren't.
School has started once again for those people who are in school, and with it comes a new wave of recruits for the USUSA Game Design Club. Twenty-three males and one female*, because the first thing I learned in college is that most stereotypes exist because they're true. During the two hours when I manned the booth by myself, I wasn't able to show the game demos we've created because Unity won't work on my computer for some reason, so it was kind of lame and hopefully that means we only got the really dedicated people. The game I'm most excited about is our as-yet-unnamed pizza platformer, which we hopefully will now have the resources to expand into something ambitious. I came up with the plot and wrote a script some time ago for opening cutscenes that we haven't made but hopefully will at some point, and I'm going to copy-paste it here now because I still don't feel like writing much.
*I didn't actually ask, so this ratio may be a little off, but I'm sure it's a good approximation.
Pizza Platformer Opening Cutscenes
Cutscene: secret lair of the Corporation for Arbitrary, Lascivious, Zany, Offensive, and Nefarious Enterprises (CALZONE)
Leader: I have gathered you all here for a most important matter. As we all know –
Henchman: If we all know it, why do we need to go over it again?
Leader glares at Henchman, then pushes a button. A trapdoor opens under Henchman and he disappears.
Henchman: Aaaah! My spleen!
Leader: As we all know, the Preservers of All Sources of Truth and Affection (PASTA) have foiled our evil plans over and over again, and gone around doing nice things instead, and now they've tightened security and are transmitting their plans in a new code. Our spies inform us that one of these coded messages is hidden in a box of pizza at Papa Giovanni's Pizza Paradise, waiting for their agents to pick it up. We must intercept that pizza, break the code, and figure out what they're plotting.
Another Henchman: But boss, they must have dozens of pizzas. How will we know –
Leader: The same way they will. It has peas and mayonnaise on it. No one else would order that!
Henchmen say things like “Hahaha!” and “Ew, yuck!”
Henchman in trapdoor: Can I come out now?
Cutscene: Papa Giovanni's Pizza Paradise
A few hours later...
Jon (on phone): Buon giorno, Papa Giovanni's Pizza Paradise! What-a can I a-do for you on this-a fine-a day?
Jon: Special order? No problema! We make-a the special for you just right, no?
Jon: Si... si... Mama mia, that's-a what you want? Molto bene, that comes-a to nineteen ninety-nine with-a the tax, and we have it for you in thirty minutes or it's-a on us! Grazie! Ciao!
He hangs up.
Jon: Annie! Get your stupid kiester in here right now! These pizzas ain't going to deliver themselves!
Anne Chovi (Annie) runs in from the kitchen.
Annie: Yes, I mean no, sir. How many?
Jon: We just got another freak calling in for peas and mayonnaise pizza, so that makes an even ten.
Jon puts the gross pizza on the counter next to nine others.
Annie: Oh good, I love round numbers. But didn't those guys earlier ask us to save this one for them?
Jon: Like they'll know the difference! This other address is thirty blocks away and we're already running behind! I'll make another one. And so help me, you'd better get these all delivered on time this time or you're out of here, capische??
Annie: I'm right on it.
Annie stacks the pizzas with the gross one on the bottom, takes them in one arm, heads to the door, and pauses.
Annie: Love you, dad.
Annie gets into the delivery van and starts to drive away. After just a few feet it sputters and comes to a halt.
Annie: Aw shitake mushrooms, not again! Good thing I have strong legs...
She gets out and goes offscreen on foot. A moment later, two spies pop up inside the dumpster.
Spy 1: There she goes with the gross pizza! We'd better grab it!
Spy 2: Yeah! But wait, which one is it?
Spy 1: Um... I don't know! We'd better grab them all!
Spy 2: Yeah!
Spy 1 stares at him.
Spy 1: Is that... tomato sauce on your chin?
Spy 2: Maybe...
Spy 1 looks down in the dumpster.
Spy 1: Have you been... eating out of here?
Spy 2: Maybe...
Title Screen: Anne Chovi in GIVE PIZZA CHANCE
Also, Annie's dad's full name is Jon Bon Chovi. And just today I decided she should have some kind of animal sidekick named Pizzachew. That's a pun on Pikachu (I'm not sure how obvious that is because my pun on "Give peace a chance" went over the club president's head). And at some point we want to have a sewer level with Samurai Salamanders instead of Ninja Turtles. That part wasn't my idea but it's still a good one.
Pogo - There You Are
Pogo, one of my favorite artists, is best known for sampling dialogue and other audio bits from movies, TV shows, speeches, etc. to make nonsensical but ridiculously catchy tunes. But this relatively recent one is just him singing with his voice pitched up, and it's so beautiful I sometimes listen to it twice or thrice in a row. Last week I finally looked up the lyrics and realized he was saying "Wanna melt the ice" instead of "What a lovely ice", a mishearing that had been a source of some confusion for me.
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About the Author
C. Randall Nicholson is a white cisgender male and a Latter-day Saint, so you can hate him without guilt, but he's also autistic, so you can't. Unless you're an anti-vaxxer, in which case the feeling is mutual. This blog is where he periodically rants about life, the universe, and/or everything.