BONUS: More Cracroft Comic Strip Scripts

Surprise! This is the first time in well over a year that I've posted not on a Saturday, but I just couldn't wait to share some more complete storylines! Since I already wrote this stuff and just had to copy-paste it, writing a lengthy bonus post took very little time at all and serves to magnify my efforts. If you read the previous post and liked it, I hope you will like this one too. If you didn't read the previous post, do so now to reduce your confusion and increase my page views. If you read the previous post and didn't like it, I thank you for giving me another chance.

To recap: Alvin Cracroft is normal, his wife Rachel is dim-witted but wonderful, his daughter Tyler is a cunning brat, his pet Steve is a Komodo dragon, his sister Susan is forever alone and his brother Bill is only briefly alone between wives. When a co-worker asked what my comic was about I just summarized it as "a dysfunctional family", and then reflected on how true that is. But they're lovable! Right? Right?

Unca Bill Comes to Visit

Is it cute for Tyler to call him "Unca Bill"? I think it is. I stole it from Huey, Dewey, and Louie, but don't tell anyone. Tyler is three years old.

​Panel 1
Alvin (on phone): Hello?
Bill: Hey, Al, how's it going? Listen, the missus kicked me out of my apartment. Can I come crash at your place for a few days?
Panel 2
Alvin: Bill, I have a wife and a kid and a life of our own. You need to keep quiet and get out of here as soon as you can, capische?
Bill: No sweat. It'll just be for a few days!
Panel 3
Alvin: Well, this is the third time this year. What are you doing to set them off?
Bill: Beats me. You'd think they've never seen socks in the kitchen sink before.

Panel 1
Tyler: Unca Bill! Unca Bill! Did you bring me a present?
Bill: Sure did, kiddo!
Panel 2
Bill: Here, see if you can find something fun to do with these firecrackers!
Tyler: Wow! Thanks, Unca Bill!
Panel 3
Alvin: Bill, are you familiar with the term “fratricide”?
Bill: Nah. Are you familiar with the term “karma”?

Panel 1
Bill: Ah, and here's the famous Steve the Komodo Dragon! Can I pet him?
Rachel: By all means.
Panel 2
Bill: Oh, he's a beaut! I hope he doesn't like “to serve man”, if you catch my drift!
Panel 3
Alvin: He only eats houseguests who overstay their welcome.
Bill: Ha! Ha! Noted.

Panel 1 (and only)
(long vista of destruction)
Bill: I notice you often call Tyler “sweetie”.
Alvin: I just hope that if I say it enough times, it will become true.

Panel 1
Bill: Rachel, on behalf of the entire Cracroft family, I want to apologize for misjudging you.
Panel 2
Bill: It's clear to me now that you're a great wife to my brother and a great mother to my niece. You're doing a great job.
Panel 3
Bill: Obviously you're a sharper tack than we gave you credit for.
Rachel: Hm? Sorry, were you talking to me?

Panel 1
Tyler: Will you tell me a story, Unca Bill?
Bill: No problem, kiddo! What kind of story do you wanna hear?
Panel 2
Tyler: Well, dad says you like loose women with low standards and questionable morals. Tell me a story about them!
Bill: Uh...
Panel 3
Bill: He says that, does he?
Alvin: Whoa, sweetie, it's way past your bedtime! How about “The Three Little Pigs”?

Panel 1
Bill: In his last moments of life, the third little pig felt the unique sensation of his own warm, slimy intestines in his hooves. Like his brothers, he welcomed oblivion.
Panel 2
Bill: The next day, the Big Bad Wolf went to court and legally changed his name to “the Big Nice Wolf Who's Just Gotta Eat Like the Rest of Us”. The end.
Panel 3
Tyler: That was beautiful.
Bill: Tune in tomorrow night for “The Three Little Pigs Part II: Revenge, Unlike Bacon, is a Dish Best Served Cold”.

Panel 1
Alvin (in bed): Ugh. I love him and all, but I don't think I can stand Bill for another day.
Rachel (in bed): Hm? Who's Bill?
Panel 2
Alvin: You know, my brother?? The other man who's been in our house for the last week??
Rachel: That's not our son Skippy home from college?
Panel 3
Alvin: Oh for the love of –
Bill: Can you guys keep it down in here? I'm trying to watch TV.

Panel 1
Bill: Bye, everyone! Catch you on the flip side!
Alvin: Take care of yourself, Bill!
Panel 2
Tyler: You seemed in a hurry for him to leave.
Alvin: Nonsense.
Panel 3
Tyler: Are you just jealous because I love him a lot more than you?
Alvin: Go to bed, Tyler.

Tyler Gets Babysat

I wrote the Unca Bill storyline to give his character a chance to shine, so it was only fair to do the same for Auntie Susan. Tyler is four years old.

Panel 1
Alvin: Rachel, when was the last time we went on a date?
Rachel: Ummm...
Panel 2
Alvin: I think it was before Tyler was born. We've been so busy taking care of her that we've neglected our relationship.
Rachel: Hmmm...
Panel 3
Alvin: We need to fix that this week.
Rachel: I give up. Is this a trick question?

Panel 1
Rachel: So we're going on a date. For nostalgia purposes, let's go to where we had our first date ever.
Alvin: We can't. It burned down.
Panel 2
Rachel: Oh yeah. Second?
Alvin: That one burned down too.
Panel 3
Rachel: Oh yeah. Third?
Alvin: That one burned down too, but by then you were beginning to catch on that Molotov cocktails are not a dinner beverage.

Panel 1
Alvin (on phone): Susan! How's it going? Listen, Rachel and I are going out to dinner and a movie this Friday and we were wondering if you would mind watching Tyler for a few hours?
Panel 2
Susan: This Friday? Gosh, you know I'd love to, but I already have plans.
Panel 3
Alvin: No you don't.
Susan: Sigh. No I don't.

Panel 1
Rachel: Help yourself to anything in the fridge, the number for 911 should be somewhere on this sticky note by the door, and don't let her burn down the house. Bye!
Panel 2
(door slams)
Panel 3
Susan: So, I guess it's you and me, Tyler.
Tyler: Just as long as nobody cool finds out.

Panel 1
Tyler: Auntie Susan, have you got a husband?
Susan: Nope.
Panel 2
Tyler: A boyfriend?
Susan: Nope.
Panel 3
Tyler: A male friend who not-so-secretly wants to be more than friends?
Susan: Let's stop talking and watch TV.

Panel 1
Tyler: Why don't you have a man, Auntie Susan? Is it because you killed him and took his money?
Susan: Ha! Nope, I wouldn't still be hanging around here if I had.
Panel 2
Tyler: Is it because you like women?
Susan: Uh... no... have you been talking to my parents?
Panel 3
Tyler: Is it because men just don't find you attractive?
Susan: Let's stop talking and watch TV.

Panel 1
Tyler: This is my favorite show.
Susan: Yeah? What's it about?
Panel 2
Tyler: That guy is the hero, and he shoots all the bad guys. Bang bang! Blood everywhere! The special effects are great.
Susan: Er...
Panel 3
Tyler: It turns the ladies on. There's one now. Oh, look, she's in the mood already!
Susan: Let's stop watching TV and read a book.

Panel 1
Rachel: Do you think Susan and Tyler are having a good time?
Alvin: I'm sure they are. Susan is great with kids.
Panel 2
Rachel: Probably better than we are. Hey, let's have her do this every week.
Alvin: That might be a bit excessive.
Panel 3
Rachel: Well, you said she never has anything else going on.
Alvin: But she does have most of her sanity, and I don't want to take that away.

Panel 1
Tyler: Listen up, Auntie Susan. I may not know much, but I know that you can be complete and happy without a man.
Panel 2
Tyler: Life is too short to wait for a knight in shining armor. Learn. Explore. Discover. Create. Be your best you and like it.
Panel 3
Susan: Thank you, Tyler. That was beautiful.
Tyler: Worth at least another helping of ice cream, wouldn't you say?

Panel 1
Alvin: Hey, Susan! I hope Tyler didn't give you too much trouble.
Susan: Oh, not at all. She was pretty mellow and went to bed when she was asked.
Panel 2
Alvin: Ha, ha! What a sense of humor! Here, you've earned this.
Susan: You're paying me??
Panel 3
Alvin: Well, duh! You didn't think I was exploiting you for free favors just because you're family, did you?
Susan: Well, Bill makes me do his laundry...

Tyler in Seussville

This one is weird because it switches between putting character dialogue in speech bubbles and including it in the narration which, of course, is too long to fit in standard comic panels so I'll just have to draw really big ones. Tyler is five years old.

​Panel 1
Narrator: The writings of Roald Dahl, Jan Brett, Robert Munsch / Have all been beloved by kids a whole bunch. / Joy Cowley, Shel Silverstein, old Mother Goose – / But no one can top the acclaimed Dr. Seuss.
Panel 2
Narrator: For Seuss has a certain good kind of a charm / That seizes their minds (though it does them no harm). / From Austin to Boston to Kalamazoo, / Chicago, Weehauken, and Washington too...
Panel 3
Narrator: With fabulous creatures and strange far-off lands, / He frees them from life and its cold, harsh demands. / And so after hearing his books read, it seems, / Young Tyler Anne Cracroft was having strange dreams...
Tyler: I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore, Steve.

Panel 1
Narrator: “Hello! How are you?” asked the six-foot-tall cat. / “What's your name? My name is the Cat in the Hat! / I'm so pleased to meet you! We'll have so much fun! / Come on then, the day has just barely begun!”
Tyler: My parents say not to talk to strangers.
Panel 2
Narrator: “No, no, silly girl! You don't talk here like that! / You must speak in rhyme!” laughed the Cat in the Hat.
Tyler: Okay, I'll give it a shot.
Panel 3
Tyler: The big creepy cat with his dumb-looking hat, / Decided to go take a nap on a mat. / But then an enormous mutated fat rat, / Came and sat on the cat and squashed him flat. Splat!
Cat in the Hat: Yes, like that, you little brat.

Panel 1 (and only)
Narrator: The cat stroked his chin as he thought for a while. / “There must be some method of making you smile! / I have an idea! Yes, here's what we'll do! / Let's play with my friends here, Thing One and Thing –”
Steve (spitting out skull): Ptoo!

Panel 1
Narrator: “Your beast ate my friends!” cried the cat in a rage. / “Time out! That's not right! Reader, turn back the page!” / But just before Tyler could make a retort, / They heard a strange noise of a terrible sort.
Panel 2
Narrator: “Oh, crap! It's the Grinch!” said the cat. “Let's get packing!” / Then Tyler and Steve were a hatted cat lacking. / “The Grinch?” Tyler said. “Why, he isn't so bad. / He's ugly and mean, but then so is my dad.”
Panel 3
Narrator: Then Steve hissed a bit, and she said, “That is scary. / I forgot that execrable film with Jim Carrey.”

Panel 1
Narrator: “I'm the Grinch!” said the Grinch. “Little girl, be afraid! / I'll squeeze out your juices to make lemonade!” / But Tyler just gave him a look that just said, / “Just try it, you freak, if you want to be dead.”
Panel 2
Narrator: “Why aren't you scared?” he said. “Why aren't you running? / I'm here! The cat's gone! This is not time for funning!” / “Oh please,” Tyler said. “I've read all about you. / You're frightened of toddlers like Cindy Lou Who.”
Panel 3
Narrator: And then the Grinch deeply looked into her eyes, / And saw that her cunning belied her small size. / With great trepidation of what she might say, / He asked “Will you join forces with me today?”
Tyler: Sure, on condition that we can knock off this rhyming crap.

Panel 1
Rachel: Tyler, wake up! You can't sleep all day!
Tyler: Zz... mph... Sneetches storming the beaches...
Panel 2
Rachel: Oh, you're dreaming about Shel Silverstein! How sweet! I guess I'll leave you to it a while longer.
Tyler: Zz... Lorax cutting down the rebel troops... falling back...
Panel 3
Rachel: Ah, to be young and innocent with a boundless imagination!
Tyler: Zz... we meet again, Horton... but this time I brought my elephant gun...

Bully Trouble

One of the first ideas I had for the strip, though when I sat down and wrote it the ending surprised me. Tyler is six years old.

Panel 1
Alvin (doing Tyler's hair): So how was your day at school, sweetie?
Tyler: Meh. Becky told me that I'm not beautiful.
Panel 2
Alvin: Oh, sweetie... I'm so sorry...
Tyler: Meh, it's fine. I don't think she's beautiful either.
Panel 3
Alvin: No?
Tyler: Not after I got through with her, anyway.

Panel 1
Alvin: Do you mean to tell me you beat up another girl?
Tyler: That's exactly what I mean to tell you.
Panel 2
Alvin: But – but you can't –
Tyler: Relax, dad, I did it after school so I wouldn't get caught. I'm not stupid.
Panel 3
Alvin: Look, sweetie, I understand she hurt your feelings, but you can't just –
Rachel: Woot! That's my girl!

Panel 1
Alvin (in bed): Rachel, we can't encourage Tyler to beat up other kids.
Rachel (in bed): But she's gotta stick up for herself!
Panel 2
Rachel: This Becky person needs to learn that she can't go around bullying people with impunity. Especially a Cracroft.
Panel 3
Alvin: But you know Tyler. She takes everything too far.
Rachel: If this Becky person can still breathe without a machine, I'm not worried.

Panel 1
Tyler: Hey, Becky, I'm sorry I cleaned your clock yesterday.
Panel 2
Tyler: I'm sure you were only mean to me because you're insecure and have problems at home.
Becky: It's true.
Panel 3
Tyler: Want to be best friends?
Becky: Sure.

Panel 1
Becky: I don't feel very feminine, let alone beautiful. Hunting, fishing, sports... that's all my parents want to do with me. They have no interest in helping me with makeup, fashion, cooking or anything.
Panel 2
Tyler: Maybe they just want to free you from the strictures of traditional gender roles.
Becky: By moving me from one to the other? Nah, I think it's pretty obvious they wanted a boy.
Panel 3
Becky: And by your name, I'm guessing your parents did to.
Tyler: Actually, my mom wanted a Velociraptor.

Panel 1
Tyler: I apologized to Becky today and we became best friends.
Alvin (doing her hair): Wow! I'm so proud of you, sweetie! Doesn't that feel good?
Panel 2
Tyler: Yeah. It looks like you and mom were both wrong. Violence was only part of the solution.
Alvin: Well... I suppose... but...
Panel 3
Tyler: So a few years from now when some boy snaps my bra strap –
Alvin: Pulverize that #$@% and skip the apology.

Close Encounter

Here I am again attempting to take a humorous look at one of those experiences that happens to all normal families, and in the process introducing what I hope to be another recurring character. Tyler is thirteen years old.

​Panel 1
[Ding-dong!]
Rachel: I'll get it!
Panel 2
Rachel: Hi. Can I help you?
Alien: Greetings, Earthling.
Panel 3
Rachel: Oh, how cute! Alvin, I forgot Halloween was tonight! Do we have any candy?
Alvin (off-screen): It's July, Rachel.

Panel 1
Rachel: So what are you then, a Mormon or something?
Alien: You may call me Mr. Flglmyyysphtsx. I hail from Tobin, the fourth planet of what you call the Zeta Reticuli system.
Panel 2
Mr. Flglmyyysphtsx: May I come in for a few moments? I have something of great importance to discuss with everyone who lives here.
Rachel: Well, of course! Mi casa es su casa.
Panel 3
Mr. Flglmyyysphtsx: Thank you.
Rachel: I can't quite place your accent. Albanian, is it?

Panel 1
Mr. Flglmyyysphtsx: I'll cut the crap, as you say. Your planet is abundant in resources. My race wishes to wipe yours out and seize it.
Panel 2
Mr. Flglmyyysphtsx: However, we are civilized and ethical, and would never deliberately wipe out another intelligent race. Therefore we are in the process of determining your intelligence first.
Panel 3
Mr. Flglmyyysphtsx: For a start, we have been monitoring this thing you call “the internet”.
Alvin, Rachel and Tyler (thinking): We're screwed.

Panel 1
Alvin: Look, Mr. Fulg – Mr. Fuggle – er –
Panel 2
Alvin: Do you mind if I just call you Mr. F?
Mr. Flglmyyysphtsx: You're not helping your case.

Panel 1
Alvin: Mr. F, our species covers a wide spectrum of intelligence. On the whole, I'd say the larger the group, the less intelligent we are. But you can't just wipe us out.
Mr. F: Well, that's where you come in.
Panel 2
Mr. F: The next phase of our investigation is to examine actual specimens. I would like your family to come with me in my ship, just for a few hours.
Panel 3
Tyler: You're asking permission to abduct us?
Mr. F: Of course. Abduction without consent is a huge no-no.

Panel 1
Alvin: Why us? What's so special about us?
Mr. F: Nothing. That's the point. You seem like a standard, normal Earthling family.
Tyler: Snrk.
Panel 2
Mr. F: Anyway, we have other agents approaching other Earthlings too. And you weren't even my first choice. Some of my previous specimens weren't very helpful.
Panel 3
(flashback)
Mr. F: So we're considering wiping out your race.
Person: I work at a call center. Please do.

Panel 1
(everyone is getting beamed up)
Alvin (thinking): Wow. The whole human race is depending on us. No pressure. No pressure.
Panel 2
Tyler (thinking): This is probably the coolest thing that will ever happen to me or anyone I know.
Panel 3
Rachel (thinking): I like waffles.

Panel 1
Tyler: Wow. A real live honest-to-goodness spaceship.
Mr. F: Don't touch anything, please.
Panel 2
Tyler: Why not?
Mr. F: You might crash the ship and kill us all.
Panel 3
Tyler: Got any laser guns? Can we dust the Kremlin and blame Drumpf?
Mr. F: I can't tell if you're unintelligent or just a brat.

Panel 1 (and only)
Rachel (holding apparatus): I don't see how these probes would help determine intelligence.
Tyler: Well, lots of people do have their heads up their –
Alvin: Tyler, how about you stay quiet until this whole thing is over.
Mr. F: Guys, we're not using those. Put them back.

Panel 1
Rachel: Lying in a room aboard an alien ship, going on a trip...
Panel 2
Rachel: Of all the people on the Earth why did they choose me, for their laboratory?
Panel 3
Alvin: Thanks for setting the mood, Rachel, but could you try something a little more upbeat?
Rachel: How about Weird Al's “Slime Creatures from Outer Space”?
Mr. F: Hey!

Panel 1
Mr. F: Rachel, your results are in and –
Rachel: No need, Mr. F. I know I'm not the brightest star in the solar system. But maybe that's not what's most important.
Panel 2
Rachel: I care. I love. These two people here with me, and the Komodo dragon we left behind, are my world. And I also love every other person and animal on this planet you want to take over.
Panel 3
Rachel: I'd like to think that what I lack in brain, I make up for in heart.
Mr. F: Not according to the X-ray.

Panel 1
Mr. F: Rachel, there's no need for your impassioned speech because you scored higher than the other two put together.
Rachel: Oh, cool.
Tyler: What??
Panel 2
Mr. F: I can't make any promises, but the results are, uh, promising. It's looking like we'll have to get our tofu burgers elsewhere.
Panel 3
Mr. F: Thank you for your time. I'll just take you back home and be on my way.
Tyler: Wait! Can you take Justin Bieber with you?

Panel 1
Alvin: Good old Steve, slept through the whole thing! Glad to know we can count on him to protect us.
Rachel: He knew we couldn't have saved the Earth if he kept us from leaving.
Panel 2
Alvin: Well, this was certainly a memorable night.
Rachel: We'll be talking about it for years to come.
Tyler: My classmates will be so jealous.
Panel 3
(aboard mothership)
Alien Leader: And you wiped their memories afterward?
Mr. F: Zark! I knew I forgot something!

Panel 1
Rachel: I'm going to call Rhonda and tell her that –
Man in Black: There's no such thing as aliens. Or UFOs.
Panel 2
Rachel: Then what was that thing we were just in?
Man in Black: A weather balloon.
Panel 3
Rachel: Oh, yeah. I should have realized.
Man in Black: And you two keep your mouths shut too or I'll kill you.

Meet the Mormons

Last but not least... I had a lot of fun writing this one, obviously, but I've put it on hold for a while because the story started taking too much precedence over the humor (insert your own quip about none of them being humorous here) and I don't even know where I want the story to go anyway. Though I'm thinking maybe Tyler needs to convert because it's the only way to keep her from making poor choices that will haunt her well into her adult life. She is fourteen years old.

​Panel 1
Missionary 1: Good afternoon, ma'am! We're from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Rachel: The what with the who now?
Panel 2
Missionary 2: You might know us better as “the Mormons”.
Rachel: Oh yeah? I knew some Mormon girls in high school.
Panel 3
Missionary 2: Really? That's great!
Rachel: They relentlessly bullied me.

Panel 1
Missionary 1: I'm so sorry you had that experience. Mormons aren't perfect and unfortunately sometimes we don't live up to our beliefs.
Rachel: Hey, I know how it goes. What are your beliefs, anyway?
Panel 2
Missionary 2: Well, we –
Rachel: I'm just so curious. I'm sure you're really busy, but do you think you could stick around a while and tell me all about them?
Panel 3
Missionary 1: Well, we –
Rachel: Sorry, I know that's a lot to ask. What if I had you over for dinner tonight, would that make it up to you? My whole family will be home then...

Panel 1
Rachel: I invited some nice well-dressed Mormon boys to eat dinner with us and tell us about their religion.
Alvin: Oh, joy. Just what I always wanted.
Panel 2
Rachel: I don't know what Mormons are allowed to eat, though. I decided to play it safe and just do the whole “kosher” thing.
Panel 3
Alvin: What do you have so far?
Rachel: Not much. There aren't many things you can make with just pickles.

Panel 1
Missionary 2: Pleased to meet you all. I'm Elder Brighton from Pocatello, Idaho.
Missionary 1: And I'm Elder Njagi from Lira, Uganda.
Panel 2
Rachel: Wow, opposite sides of the world, and you have the same first name and now here you are together! That's nuts!
Panel 3
Elder Njagi: Actually, it's –
Alvin: And I didn't know there were Mormons in Uganda.
Rachel: I didn't know there were people in Uganda.

Panel 1
Elder Brighton: Oh wow, who's this fellow?
Rachel: His name is Steve. He's a Komodo dragon.
Panel 2
Elder Brighton: A Komodo dragon, eh? I've been chased by plenty of big dogs, but nothing as scary as this!
Alvin: Hey, Steve, that dinner we ordered for you is here!
Panel 3
(Elder Brighton runs)
Alvin: Just kidding.

Panel 1
Elder Brighton: Do you folks have any sort of religious or spiritual background?
Alvin: I was raised evangelical, but I'm not super into it now. Things like science and LGBT issues became too problematic for me.
Panel 2
Alvin: Still, I appreciate the values I got from it, and I like to think there's a God out there watching over us.
Panel 3
Tyler: If there's a God, why is there so much suffering in the world?
Alvin: You should know. You've caused more than your share of it.

Panel 1
Elder Brighton: As you feel the Holy Spirit and know that our message is true, will you will accept our invitation to follow the Savior's example and be baptized by one having authority from God?
Panel 2
Alvin: Eh, not so fast.
Rachel: We'd have to make some lifestyle changes, wouldn't we? Don't you guys do that whole polygamy thing?
Panel 3
Elder Njagi: No, ma'am, we haven't practiced polygamy for well over a century.
Rachel: Drat. I could use some help around the house.

Panel 1 (and only)
Elder Njagi: We believe that families can be together forever.
Tyler: No, please! I'll repent, I promise!

Panel 1
Elder Njagi: It's all right if your family situation isn't where you want it to be right now. Christ Himself came from a long lineage of family problems.
Panel 2
Elder Njagi: Cain, one of the first people on Earth, killed his brother Abel. Solomon was conceived in adultery just before his dad killed his mom's husband.
Panel 3
Elder Njagi: Lot's daughters got him drunk and –
Elder Brighton: Let's stick with the approved lesson plan, Elder.

Panel 1
Elder Brighton: Two hundred years ago, a young boy named Joseph Smith had these same questions. He was only fourteen...
Tyler (thinking): Fourteen?
Panel 2
Tyler (thinking): What's all this about God and angels coming out of the sky? And these guys actually believe it? How could anyone believe such a crock?
Panel 3
Elder Njagi: ...and you can hold this book, the Book of Mormon, in your hands, read it, and pray to know for yourself of its truth.
Tyler: No need. I've already heard the soundtrack to the musical adaptation.

Panel 1
Rachel (in bed): What do you think of that book they gave us, huh?
Alvin (in bed): Hmph. I couldn't get through five pages of it. I'll go back to it next time I have insomnia.
Panel 2
Alvin: You?
Rachel: I was very impressed, not just by the internal consistency amid such complexity, but also the Hebraic literary patterns and allusions to Mesoamerican culture and geography woven seamlessly throughout.
Panel 3
Alvin: Rachel, you're scaring me.
Rachel: I also like the tanned buff guys in the illustrations.

Panel 1
Susan (on phone): Mom says you guys have gotten involved in some kind of cult. I don't remember, the J. Dubs, the Scientologists, or...
Alvin: The Mormons.
Panel 2
Alvin: We're not really “involved” with them, though. Rachel's just had the missionaries over a couple times.
Susan: What are they like?
Panel 3
Alvin: Oh, you know, just a couple friendly young men in suits and ties... just boys, really, barely out of high school.
Susan: You don't say? Have I ever mentioned how curious I am about the Mormon religion?

Panel 1
Tyler: Hey, Pastor Hartgraves, I need a good anti-Mormon book – er, better make it a pamphlet. My mom's getting mixed up with them.
Pastor Hartgraves: I think I have just the thing in my office!
Panel 2
Pastor Hartgraves: It's so wonderful of you to look out for your mother's eternal welfare and fight to preserve her soul for Christ! You'll go far, young lady!
Tyler: Thank you.
Panel 3
Pastor Hartgraves: So, will we see you back in church on Sunday?
Tyler (leaving with pamphlet): Piss off.

Panel 1
Tyler: So, mom, I thought you'd want to take a look at this before you listen to the missionaries anymore.
Rachel: “The Truth About the Mormons”? I dunno, it's giving me a yucky feeling already.
Panel 2
Tyler: That's probably just the dawning realization that you're getting duped.
(Rachel tears pamphlet to shreds)
Panel 3
Tyler: What was that for?
Rachel: Oops, my fingers slipped.

To be continued sometime... somehow...

The Chipmunks feat. Celine Dion - Petit Papa Noel

Confession - this was the song that I actually wanted to feature last Saturday, but I discovered at the last minute that it wasn't on YouTube and had to make a hasty replacement, intending to upload it myself later. Then it turns out that it was actually uploaded two days before I needed it and just wasn't showing up on Google yet. How annoying/funny. Anyway, what better way to celebrate Christmas than with a collaboration between one of the greatest artists of the modern era and Celine Dion? In French, no less? We also get to hear Alvin (the chipmunk, not my character) show off his proclivity for human females, which becomes less amusing and more disturbing if you think about it too deeply.

All I want for Christmas is for people to like my Facebook page: