BONUS AGAIN: More Cracroft Comic Strip Scripts

More of the thrilling future series discussed here, here, and here. This time I will go back to what is thus far the very beginning, and you also get to meet Alvin's parents since I know you've been burning with curiosity about them. There are a few scripts here that I already posted in the initial announcement, but now you get to read them in context which will make them more enjoyable (insert your own quip about that not saying a lot here). Yes, I know some of them suck but you're seeing the creative process underway here. So without further ado...

First Comes Love,

Panel 1
Alvin: Dad, I've decided I want to marry Rachel. I know you don't like her very much, but –
George: Now just hold it right there, son.
Panel 2
George: You're right, I don't like her very much, but your opinion is the one that matters. You do what you want to do.
Panel 3
George: And I'll do what I want to do, which is write you out of my will.
Connie: George!

Panel 1
George: Look, son, marriage isn't just about you, but also your future kids. You need someone who can teach them and take care of them.
Panel 2
George: And to do that, she needs to first know her stuff and be able to take care of herself.
Alvin: Rachel knows stuff! Rachel can take care of herself!
Panel 3
George: Son, last week she tried to tie her shoes and almost strangled herself to death.
Alvin: Well, have you seen her laces? They're freakin' long!

Panel 1
George: And then there's the genetic aspect! If your kids don't get good genes, no amount of external circumstances can compensate, and you're putting them in the race of life behind everyone else.
Panel 2
George: It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and as much as we like to consider ourselves civilized, survival of the fittest still very much applies to us.
Panel 3
Alvin: Need I remind you that Rachel has survived three years with a pet Komodo dragon?
George: Obviously he doesn't eat junk food.

Panel 1
Alvin: Mom, what do you think about this?
Connie: Your father was right the first time. Your opinion is the one that matters. I'll support you in whatever decision you make.
Panel 2
The important thing, that no one else can do for you, is to follow your heart. Heaven knows I wish I had.
Panel 3
George: Wait, what?
Connie: Oops.
Alvin: Uh, I'll leave you two alone for a while.

Panel 1
Bill: Yo, Al! Dad tells me you're fixin' to pop the question! You've come to the right place!
Alvin: Uh, thanks Bill, but I didn't –
Panel 2
Bill: Come on, we'd better have a little chat. I'll tell you everything you gotta do. Not to brag or anything, but I'm a freakin' expert on marriage.
Panel 3
Alvin: I should hope so, after you've done it five times.
Bill: Six, but who's counting?

Panel 1
Bill: I've been in a lot of fights over money. Who pays the bills? How much beer can you afford? Do you each keep your own money, or pool it together and split it evenly?
Panel 2
Alvin: She'll stay home while I earn the money, and we'll split it as needed.
Bill: Huh. I didn't know that was still allowed.
Panel 3
Bill: So you've already discussed it with her?
Alvin: No, but I've seen her resume.

Panel 1
Susan: Look, I get what you see in Rachel. She's kind, honest, fun, humble, and beautiful. But she's also stupid and psychotic.
Alvin: Susan...
Panel 2
Susan: Don't be so in love with being in love, or so desperate to get married, that you settle for less than you deserve.
Panel 3
Alvin: Susan, you once told me you'd marry a lamppost if you had the chance.
Susan: At least lampposts are fairly bright!

Panel 1
Susan: Are you as good as gone once you're married?
Alvin: Nope, we're getting a house nearby and I'll still be helping dad at the print shop.
Panel 2
Susan: Oh, good, I guess. I would have missed you terribly. But I wouldn't blame you for wanting to get out of this place.
Alvin: What can I say? It's home. My family is here.
Panel 3
Susan: That's why I wouldn't blame you for wanting to get out of this place.
Bill: Have you finished yakking at Al yet? I need to teach him about bachelor parties.

That exposition about Alvin's place of work is smoother than the cream cheese on your bagel, isn't it? The print shop is called "Prints Charming" but I'm not sure how to work that in naturally. Just show it written on the window, I guess.

Panel 1
Alvin: Rachel, these last six months have been the happiest of my –
Rachel: Let's cut the crap, Alvin. You got the goods?
Panel 2
Alvin: Uh, yeah. Here.
Rachel: A Ring Pop??
Panel 3
Alvin: There's more where that came from.
Rachel: Mm, cherry! You just bought yourself a wife, my friend.

Panel 1
Alvin: I assume you aren't interested in a real ring?
Rachel: My land, no. What a waste of money on something so intrinsically useless.
Panel 2
Rachel: Instead, we could go on a Caribbean cruise... buy a home theater system... take flying lessons...
Panel 3
Rachel: ...eat our weight in lasagna a dozen times over...
Alvin: I love you, Rachel.

Panel 1
Alvin: Well then, we can go almost anywhere for our honeymoon. What would you like?
Rachel: Hmm... well... I've always wanted to go to Venice and see the Eiffel Tower.
Panel 2
Alvin: The Eiffel Tower is in Paris, Rachel.
Rachel: Drat those Spaniards. It's just like them to steal it.

Before you get on Rachel's case for being racist, realize she's no worse than Wesley in "The Princess Bride", and everyone loves him.

Panel 1
George: Who's going to pay for this thing, anyway? Rachel's parents are still MIA, yeah?
Alvin: You could just think of it as a replacement for Susan's wedding that you'll never have to pay for.
Panel 2
[silence]
Panel 3
Alvin: I didn't mean that to be as cruel as it sounded.
George: No, you've made a valid point, son.

Rachel's parents are MIA because that gives me two fewer major characters to worry about, especially during the wedding when everyone is together. I've decided that they were explorers and got lost in the jungle somewhere, and at some point there will be a storyline to track them down. But not yet.

Panel 1
Alvin (at computer): I really like these wedding invites I designed for the Martins, dad. Could I just swap out the names and pictures and print some extras for me and Rachel?
George: Sure. I'll give you a discount.
Panel 2
Alvin: Hm. On second thought, I bet Square One could do a better job.
George: Fine. I'll make them free, you backstabber.
Panel 3
Alvin: Thanks, dad, you're a champ.
George: But take out the "George and Connie are pleased to announce" part.

Panel 1
George: Well, congratulations, son. You're taking a huge step into the next chapter of your life.
Panel 2
George: Someday you'll look back on this as the happiest day of your life.
Panel 3
Alvin: The wedding is tomorrow, dad.
George: I know.

Panel 1
George: Normally I'd tell you to just say "Yes, dear" to everything your wife says, but in your case that could get you in a full-body cast or in trouble with the law. Of multiple countries.
Panel 2
Alvin: What do you recommend instead?
George: Scream and run away as fast as you can.
Panel 3
Alvin: Thanks, dad, I'll keep that in mind.
George: Even better, run in the direction of Bill's divorce lawyer.

Panel 1
George: And when she asks "Does this make me look fat?" you say –
Alvin: Rachel would never ask me if something makes her look fat. Phat, yes. Fat, no.
Panel 2
[silence]
Panel 3
George: She's already messed you up, son.
Alvin: What? Most guys would love that in a wife!

Then Comes Marriage,

Panel 1
Pastor Hartgraves: Do you, Alvin Cracroft, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?
Alvin: I do.
Panel 2
Pastor Hartgraves: And do you, Rachel Sparks, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?
Rachel: I do, I do, I do, I do, I do!
Panel 3
Rachel (dancing): I can't conceal it, don't you see, can't you feel it? Don't you too?
Pastor Hartgraves: Um, ma'am?
Alvin: No use. We just have to wait it out.

Panel 1
Pastor Hartgraves: If anyone has any reason why this couple should not be be joined together in matrimony, let them keep quiet and mind their own dang business, preferably forever.
Panel 2
George: Hang on, I've got a whole alphabetized – wait, what?
Panel 3
Alvin: Thanks, Pastor Hartgraves. I owe you one.
Pastor Hartgraves: Hahaha! The look on his face!

Pastor Hartgraves was made to look foolish in his first appearance on this blog, and antagonistic in the second, in both cases mocking evangelical fundamentalism. But he is a multifaceted character with redeeming qualities. Also, guess what I learned while researching this strip. Though the call for objections is usually omitted from weddings nowadays, in Anglican church weddings in England the minister is legally required to include it. There are very narrow legal criteria for what constitutes a valid objection, and "I'm an ogre, she's a part-time ogre, I'm in love with her and he's just marrying her so he can be king" does not fall under them. If somebody raises an objection, the minister is legally obligated to stop the wedding and call in the police. If the objection is found to be invalid, the objector faces a prison sentence and/or steep fine and will probably also be sued by the other guests. England is weird.

Panel 1
Pastor Hartgraves: By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss your bride.
Rachel: He doesn't need your permission, pal.
Panel 2
Pastor Hartgraves: Er, right.
Alvin and Rachel: (kissing)
Panel 3
Pastor Hartgraves: Now, for the exchanging of the rings...
Rachel: Judas Priest, I already ate mine.
Alvin: Relax, I got you covered.

Panel 1
Susan (thinking): I'm ready. This time I'm going to catch the bouquet if it kills me.
Panel 2
Susan (thinking): Come on, Rachel, what are you waiting for? Throw it! Throw it!
Panel 3
Susan (thinking): Or eat it. That's cool too.

Why do I make light of Susan's hopeless love life? Because I enjoy her suffering? No, because I think it's therapeutic for all singles everywhere who can relate to some degree or another, and also because it's therapeutic for me to disregard the optimistic bull pucky we tell each other in an attempt to believe that life is fair on some level. You'll find someone... unless you don't. Just being honest.

Panel 1
Alvin: Great. Now's the part where we have to stand here and shake hands with eighty people I don't care about.
Rachel: Leave it to me.
Panel 2
Rachel: HEY, SCREW ALL Y'ALL!
Panel 3
Alvin: Rachel...
Rachel: There. Now only our true friends will want to shake hands with us.

Panel 1
Bill: Any of y'all seen “The Wedding Singer”? I'll be playing the same minor role as Steve Buscemi, getting drunk and sharing awkward stories about my brother's less-than-perfect past.
Panel 2
Bill: But first, I'd like to propose a toast to him and his beautiful new bride!
Panel 3
Alvin: Rachel, what are you looking for?
Rachel: I left my toaster at home. There's probably one among the wedding presents.

Panel 1
Speakers: Maahi ve! Maahi ve! That's the way... Maahi ve!
Alvin: Aw yeah, this is my jam! This is the one thing I insisted on having!
Panel 2
Speakers: Tere maathe jhumar damke, tere kaanon baali chamke, hai re! Maahi ve!
Alvin: You just put your hands together like so and move your arms like so!
Panel 3
Speakers: Tere haathon kangna khanke, tere pairon paayal chhanke, hai re! Maahi ve!
White Person: What the – hey! This is cultural appropriation!
Indian Person: Eh, blow it out your ear.

When Chelsea shared this song with me it surpassed "Salaam-E-Ishq" as my favorite Bollywood song, and that wasn't easy to do. If you haven't heard it, FIX THAT RIGHT NOW. It's the perfect song for letting your best friend marry the woman of your dreams because you're terminally ill. And also in the video you can see the brilliant hand/arm choreography Alvin refers to.

Panel 1
Connie: Well, that wasn't a total disaster, was it?
George: Hmph.
Panel 2
Connie: I mean short-term. Look, nothing exploded, no one got sent to the hospital, and Alvin is happy.
George: I suppose you're right.
Panel 3
Connie: We'd better give Bill a ride home, though.
Bill (staggering): You are the worst wedding singer in the world! Sir, one more outburst and I will strangle you with my microphone, you understand?

Panel 1
Alvin: Wow. My wedding night. I felt like this moment would never come.
Rachel: Let's make it a night to remember, if you catch my drift.
Panel 2
Alvin: You mean –
Rachel (lunging): Yep! Tickle fight of the century! Raaawr!

Then Comes a Baby in a Baby Carriage - But First, Star Wars

Panel 1
Alvin: Rachel! Did you see the "Revenge of the Sith" teaser trailer they released today?
Rachel: Duh! My land, it was epic!
Panel 2
Alvin (pantomiming starships): Pew pew! Boom!
Rachel (pantomiming lightsaber): Voom! Voom!
Panel 3
Alvin: I'm so excited I almost wet my pants!
Rachel: I'm so excited I did wet my pants!

Panel 1
Alvin: I was only five, but I still remember being in awe when “Return of the Jedi” was released. I felt that way when "The Phantom Menace" came out and I feel that way now.
Panel 2
Alvin: A lot of my coworkers are lukewarm about this, but not me. Sure, the prequels are far from perfect, but so what? I'm just going to relax and be a kid again.
Panel 3
Alvin: Hopefully George Lucas has learned his lessons. No more Jar Jar Binks. No more painfully wooden and awkward "romance" scenes.
Rachel: I love Jar Jar Binks! He's hilarious!

I have the same nostalgic attachment to the prequels as older folks do to the original trilogy, so I can't hate them if I try. Several scripts, including a Christmas story based on "The Gifts of the Magi", are omitted here because of course there was a lengthy period between the teaser and the actual movie.

​Panel 1
Alvin: I can't decide what costume I want to wear to the theater... Have you decided?
Rachel: I'm thinking maybe Princess Leia in that metal bikini.
Panel 2
Alvin: Er, well... you'd look great, of course, but wouldn't you rather play a more powerful role? One more in control of things and not being exploited for eye candy?
Panel 3
Rachel: Princess Leia in that metal bikini strangling Jabba the Hutt with her chain.
Alvin: Not gonna lie, that would be awesome.

Panel 1
Screen: 20th Century Fox logo
Rachel (thinking): It's starting! It's starting!
Alvin (thinking): Ohmygosh. Ohmygosh.
Panel 2
Screen: Lucasfilm Ltd. logo
Rachel and Alvin (thinking): I felt like this moment would never come...
Panel 3
Screen: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...
Alvin (thinking): I should probably start breathing again at some point.
Rachel (thinking): There's something I'm forgetting to do, I just know it.

Panel 1
Alvin: You were the chosen one!
Rachel: Not if anything to say about it I have!
Panel 2
Alvin (pantomiming lightsaber): Voom! Voom!
Rachel: Pew pew! Boom!
Panel 3
Rachel (tickling): No, no, you will die! Zap zap!
Alvin: Ack! Hahaha! Activate ray shields!

Panel 1
Rachel (in bed): Anakin and Padme's kids saved the galaxy... do you think it's a good time for us to start having kids?
Panel 2
Alvin (in bed): Well, sure. We're financially stable, there's a good school nearby, the house has plenty of space... I don't see why not...
Panel 3
Alvin: ...other than the petition that all our neighbors signed.
Rachel: I don't even know half those people.

Panel 1
Rachel: Alvin, do you happen to have the number for Baby Island? I can't find anything on Google.
Alvin: The number for what??
Panel 2
Rachel: Baby Island. You know, where babies come from.
Alvin: Where babies come – what??
Panel 3
Alvin: Rachel...
Rachel: My land. Your parents never gave you “the talk”, did they?

Panel 1
Rachel: No one knows the location of Baby Island. It's a heavily guarded secret. But when people wish for a baby, their wishes travel there.
Panel 2
Rachel: The caretakers of the island listen to the wishes and create babies to fulfill them.
Panel 3
Alvin: And who are these caretakers, the Baby Fairies?
Rachel: No, genetic engineers. What are you, seven?

Panel 1
Rachel: When an embryo is ready, one of the genetic engineers packs it into his dirigible and flies off.
Panel 2
Rachel: One night while we're asleep, he'll sneak into our room and inject it into my uterus.
Alvin: Fine. Whatever.
Panel 3
Alvin: So, do we want a boy or a girl?
Rachel: If we leave a note and a couple thousand bucks under the pillow, I bet they'd give us a Velociraptor.

Yeah, I kind of referenced this already in one of the storylines that I showed out of chronological order, but hopefully you knew Rachel well enough by then that no explanation was necessary.

Panel 1
Rachel: Alvin! I'm pregnant! I'm pregnant!
Alvin: Wonderful! Is it a boy or a girl?
Panel 2
Rachel: I haven't checked yet. It must be a Velociraptor.
Alvin: Rachel, it is not a Velociraptor.
Panel 3
Rachel: You're right. The money was still under our pillow the next morning.
Alvin: Thank goodness genetic engineers still have some scruples.

Panel 1
Alvin: Now, Rachel, this is going to be like nothing you've experienced before. Or me either, of course, but I've read about it.
Panel 2
Alvin: There will be a lot of pregnancy hormones swirling around in your head, clouding your brain. You'll have weird cravings and strange behaviors.
Panel 3
Rachel: I feel like eating a nutritious, well-balanced meal and going to bed before one thirty.
Alvin: Hooboy. Here we go already.

Panel 1
Alvin: I'm not comfortable with the way entertainment media portrays husbands and fathers. Everywhere from “The Simpsons” to "The Berenstain Bears".
Panel 2
Alvin: Such male figures are almost always portrayed as silly idiots who make messes and get into trouble. Their families love them, but look down on them at the same time.
Panel 3
Alvin: At the very least, for the sake of equality we should see women portrayed like that once in a while.
Rachel: Pfft. Who would find that entertaining?

Alvin and Rachel come dangerously close to breaking the fourth wall, but I will never succumb to that temptation because I think it's cheap writing (insert your own quip about all my writing being cheap here.) Now obviously pregancy is a long process but I haven't written all of it yet so now it just cuts to the chase.

Panel 1
Alvin: Push, honey! Push!
Rachel: Really? Are you sure I shouldn't pull?
Panel 2
Alvin: No, you need to push. You want the baby to come out.
Rachel: Well, it isn't working. I'm going to pull for a minute and see what that does.
Panel 3
Alvin: Nurse, can you talk to her?
Rachel: Judas Priest, this hurts. Are you sure it isn't a Velociraptor?

Sometimes I don't invent character traits so much as discover them. Here, for example, I discovered that Rachel has a high tolerance for pain, which is good because she's so sweet and innocent I don't want her to suffer. It comes in handy for giving birth to her daughter but far more for actually raising her.

Panel 1 (and only)
Baby: Waaaaaah!
Nurse: It's a girl!
Rachel: No, that's a big red screaming potato if I've ever seen one.
Alvin: That's what newborns look like, Rachel.

Panel 1
Alvin: Well, what shall we name our little bundle of joy?
Rachel: I like Tyler.
Panel 2
[silence]
Panel 3
Alvin: That's a boy's name.
Rachel: And you have a chipmunk's name. What's your point?

Panel 1
(door slams)
Rachel: We're home, Steve! Please welcome Tyler Anne Cracroft to the family!
Panel 2
Rachel: I know she looks like a big potato with clothes, but don't eat her, okay?
Panel 3
Rachel: Wait, what am I saying? You don't eat potatoes anyway! Ha ha!
Alvin: That's immensely comforting.

On the island of Komodo, people build their houses on stilts to protect their children from the dragons, so Rachel's flippancy is perhaps in poor taste and certainly absurd, but remember that it's meant to be a freaking cartoon. Here I omitted several more scripts because I've taken up too much space already and they're kind of lame. Yeah, if you think these ones are lame, imagine how bad those must be.

Panel 1
Tyler (offscreen): Waaaaah!
Alvin (in bed): Mmph.
Rachel (in bed): Mmph.
Panel 2
Tyler: Waaaaah!
Alvin: This is what, the seventh time tonight?
Rachel: I'll take your word for it.
Panel 3
Tyler: Waaaaah!
Alvin: I was just dreaming about the sweet, sweet kiss of death.
Rachel: You're cheating on me in your dreams??

Inspired by a real experience staying at an relative's house and being awakened what felt like seven times by a cry, starting out low and steadily rising in pitch and volume, followed by the sound of someone above me rolling out of bed and walking across the floor to attend to it. What felt like the seventh time, I wondered if I was trapped in a horrible time loop for eternity.

The One That Might Cross the Line Too Far

Now, you may want to skip this next one and I hesitated to even share it but maybe someone can offer feedback on the debate I'm having about whether it's irredeemably crass.

​Panel 1
Rachel: My land. I took Tyler to the petting zoo today and they kicked me out for breastfeeding in public. Threatened legal action, even.
Alvin: What? That's absurd!
Panel 2
Alvin: I can't believe there's so much ignorance in this country about something so natural and innocent. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.
Panel 3
Alvin: Don't let them get to you. All that matters is that Tyler appreciated it.
Rachel: The baby llamas actually, but yeah they did.

I wanted to make a point, but I can't just spout my opinions in a comic strip. That's what my blog is for. So I had to hide it in a joke, or an attempt at one, and given the subject matter and the opinion being expressed about it, that was difficult to do in a tasteful manner that wasn't ironically counterproductive to said opinion, so I tried and probably failed... also, I discovered that Rachel is kind to animals.

No song today since this has gone on long enough already, but there is still room for another plea for donations of likes to my Facebook page.