Back without Popular Demand - Alvin and the Cracrofts

If you've been following my blog for longer than I think anyone except maybe one person has been following my blog, you remember that I created many scripts for comic strips that I had neither the time nor skill to actually draw. I more or less abandoned them because they weren't going to pay any bills, a lot of them weren't that funny, and the real-life events of the last couple years were kind of impossible to incorporate into the story I already had (which spans from 2004 to 2024 with an epilogue in 2054). But I was looking at my big document with all the scripts recently, and remembered the potential they had. I might have shared some of these, I don't remember, and I'm sure no one else does either. Previous blog posts about them may be found under this category, and holy crap, turns out the last one was over four years ago. Where does the time go?

To recap, the core cast of the Cracroft family is:

Alvin - the boring straight man
Rachel - his mentally challenged wife
Tyler - his bratty daughter
Bill - his serially divorced brother
Susan - his lonely sister
George - his right-wing father
Connie - his bland mother

Bigfoot Country (2008)

​Panel 1
Alvin: Bill, Rachel and I need a vacation. Could we borrow your camper?
Bill: Sure thing, Al. Just bring it back in one piece.
Panel 2
Bill: Where were you fixing to go?
Alvin: Camping in Oregon. We really need to get away from here.
Panel 3
Bill: Driving that distance with a two-year-old? Are you insane?
Alvin: No, just very poor.
 
Panel 1 (and only)
(in car)
Alvin: And we're on our way to Oregon! I sure hope we don't die of dysentery!
Rachel: Who's Terry, and why is he so sensitive?

That joke is so oblique and unfunny that I had to think about it. Dysentery - dissin' Terry - get it? Ugh.
 
Panel 1
(in car)
Tyler: WAAAAAAAAAH!
Panel 2
Tyler: WAAAAAAAAAH!
Panel 3
Tyler: WAAAAAAAAAH!
Alvin: Excuse me while I jump out into traffic.
Rachel: Don’t be silly, Alvin, you’ll get hurt.
 
Panel 1
Rachel: Wait, this is really Oregon? We just crossed the border illegally?
Alvin: No, it's just a state, Rachel, not another country. You just drive on through.
Panel 2
Rachel: So you're saying I brought our passports for nothing?
Alvin: Those are checkbooks, Rachel.
 
Panel 1
Ranger: You folks came at the right time. There’s been lots of Bigfoot sightings around here lately.
Alvin: How convenient. They bring the tourists, eh?
Panel 2
Ranger: Well, they’re probably just bears, but you never know. It doesn’t hurt to believe, does it?
Alvin: I suppose not. Bigfoots – er, Bigfeet have never hurt anybody.
Panel 3
Ranger: Well, actually there are some stories about –
Alvin: We’d better go get set up before dark. Thanks, sir!
 
Panel 1
Alvin: We’re here! Fresh air at last!
Rachel: About time!
Tyler: WAAAAAAAAAH!
Panel 2
Alvin: Look at all the beautiful trees, and – what’s this? An enormous footprint? Looks like Bigfoot’s been here! Heh heh... heh...
Tyler: WAAAAAAAAAH!
Panel 3
Alvin: Uh, how strong do you think this camper is?
Rachel: Alvin, you’re scaring the baby.
Tyler: WAAAAAAAAAH!
 
Panel 1
(In a boat, fishing)
Alvin: Remember in “A Goofy Movie” when Goofy hooked a steak and caught a Bigfoot with it? Heh... good thing that can’t possibly happen for real.
Rachel: You seem a little on edge, Alvin.
Panel 2
Alvin: It’s nothing... it’s just that when I was little, my family went camping and Bill pranked me pretending to be a skunk ape. I wet my sleeping bag. I still remember it vividly.
Rachel: Haha! I mean, aw, that’s rough.
 
Panel 1
(Night, around campfire)
Alvin: Bigfoot can’t possibly be real. There’s no way a population of animals that size could go undiscovered for so long... right?
Panel 2
Alvin: That footprint must have been from a bear. A bear with surprisingly humanlike feet. Granted, bears are dangerous, so that’s not very reassuring.
Panel 3
[SNAP!]
Alvin: Aaaugh! What was that??
Rachel: Dear, we came here to relax.
 
Panel 1
Alvin: Yawn. I slept so peacefully last night, Tyler’s screaming didn’t even wake me up.
Rachel: Yeah, me neither.
Panel 2
(Alvin and Rachel stare at each other)
Panel 3
Alvin: Aaaaaaaaaagh! Where is she??
Rachel: How rude. She didn’t even leave a note.

Now that I think of it, a two-year-old shouldn't still be screaming every night. I guess Tyler's just extra needy.
 
Panel 1
Alvin: Tyler! Tyler, where are you??
Panel 2
Alvin: Tyler! We’ll buy you any toy you want if you come out right now!
Panel 3
Alvin: Oh no... she must really be gone...
Rachel: Or she’s waiting for you to raise the jackpot.
 
Panel 1
Alvin (thinking): This is, without a doubt, the worst moment of my life. I never knew I could experience such a depth of despair.
Panel 2
Alvin (thinking): My baby, lost and alone and unprotected... she could be hurt, every bone in her body broken, crying out for help and finding none...
Panel 3
Tyler (playing with leaves): La la la la la...
 
Panel 1 (and only)
Alvin (kneeling): Dear Lord, I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but please... please keep our little girl safe and bring her back to us.
 
Panel 1
(In heaven)
St. Peter: Oho! Looks like Mr. Cracroft suddenly isn’t too good for us anymore!
Clara: What are you talking about?
Panel 2
St. Peter: He’s sent us a prayer for his little girl. She’s lost in the woods. Want to take care of it?
Clara: Tyler can take care of herself. But I’ll speed things along so her father doesn’t worry.
Panel 3
St. Peter: Actually, maybe he deserves to worry for a while.
Clara: Sometimes I feel like you’re not suited to this job.

Clara Cockcroft is Alvin's ancestor from the 1600s who was introduced as his guardian angel in a Christmas storyline where she stops him from killing himself, and then retconned into a bunch of other stuff. St. Peter is her boss and also kind of a jerk.
 
Panel 1
Bigfoot: Sniff!
Tyler: ?
Panel 2
Bigoot: Sniff sniff!
Tyler: Hewwo. Are you a Wookiee?
Panel 3
Bigfoot: Grrrrr...
Tyler: Yeah? Will you take me to your ship?
 
Panel 1
Rachel (crying): Judas Priest, this is all my fault... I’m the one who wanted to go camping...
Alvin: It’s not your fault, Rachel. Tyler is very cunning for her age.
Panel 2
Rachel (crying): I should have known, when I got to sleep for a whole hour uninterrupted, that something was wrong...
Alvin: We both should have. But blaming ourselves now won’t help anything.
Panel 3
Rachel: Well, what will help anything?
Alvin: I wish I knew.
 
Panel 1
(Bigfoot taps Rachel on the shoulder)
Rachel: Not now, Alvin, I’m trying to think.
Panel 2
(Bigfoot hands Tyler to Rachel)
Tyler: Aww... I wike you more than Mommy.
Rachel: Oh! Oh, thank you so much, Mr.?
Panel 3
Tyler: I call him Chewie.
Rachel: I’m glad he didn’t call you chewy.
 
Panel 1
Alvin: Tyler! My sweet baby! Thank God you’re okay!
Tyler: Of course, Daddy.
Panel 2
Alvin: But that – just now – was that – it couldn’t have been –
Rachel: Yeah, I didn’t think Wookiees were real either.
Panel 3
Alvin: It must have been a bear.
Tyler: I’m bored now. Can we go home?
 
Panel 1
Alvin: Yeah, so, all’s well that ends well. But you might want to check the lock on the camper.
Panel 2
Bill: Sheesh, Al, you must need a vacation after that vacation.
Alvin: You can say that again. But not until Tyler is older, I guess.
Panel 3
Bill: You think she’ll stop getting into trouble when she’s older?
Alvin: I can dream.

Occupy Wall Street (2011)

​Panel 1
Alvin: What do y’all think of this “Occupy” movement?
Bill: It looks like a lot of fun.
Connie: It looks unsanitary and dangerous.
George: Hmph!
Panel 2
George: It looks like a bunch of whiny brats who don’t even know what they’re protesting about and can’t be bothered to get a job.
Panel 3
Alvin: It looks like the sort of thing you did in the late sixties, Dad.
George: That was a long time ago!

I incorporated a lot of real-life events into the storyline, which got old fast for a few reasons. First of all, a lot of things are really difficult to joke about without crossing boundaries of good taste that even I'm reluctant to cross. Second, a lot of them are just plain repetitive (e.g. school shootings, police brutality). And perhaps worst of all, Alvin usually just ended up as a puppet for my own views, striving to be the most reasonable and nuanced character, which I found preachy and annoying.
 
Panel 1
Alvin: I have to admit I agree with some of the movement’s grievances... I mean, for those folks who do know what they’re protesting about.
Panel 2
Alvin: The income inequality in this country is pretty disgusting. I don’t think we should fix it by stealing money from the folks who rightfully own it, but there must be something to do.
Panel 3
Alvin: To say nothing about income inequality throughout the world. Most of the US is in the 1%.
George: Join a commune, son.

See what I mean?
 
Panel 1
Alvin: Where’s Bill today?
George: Oh, he went off to join that stupid protest. He thought it would be glamorous or something. I’m surprised you didn’t join him.
Panel 2
Alvin: Hey, I’m not a huge fan of this movement. I just said I understand some of where it’s coming from.
George: That gives you one up on Bill.
Panel 3
(New York City)
Bill: Yeah, I like money. Rich people suck. Where’s the food around here?
 
Panel 1
Emily: Dude, so you don’t actually know, like, why you’re protesting?
Bill: Uh, no.
Panel 2
Emily: Me neither! We can be, like, friends! I’m Emily Barnes, but my friends call me Star Child, mmkay? What’s your name?
Bill: Bill Cracroft.
Panel 3
Bill: Uh, is there a bathroom somewhere?
Emily: Like, try that spot over there. It totes worked for me.

Star Child and Emily were two different characters that I introduced at different times and then retconned into the same character. I retconned a lot of stuff. That's one advantage of not actually publishing things. I also recognize that if this were an actual comic strip, Emily would most likely be as hated as Jar Jar Binks, but I like her and I won't apologize for it.
 
Panel 1
Emily: Like, don’t tell anybody, but this is actually my first protest ever.
Bill: No way! Mine too!
Panel 2
Emily: Far out! We have so much in common! Hey, dude, want some special brownies? I, like, baked them myself.
Bill: Thanks! You know, it’s great how we’re walking the walk here. We’re like a big family, and we’re sharing our wealth.
Panel 3
Star Child: Just make sure to use them up so no one, like, shanks you for them tonight.
Bill: Wait, what?
 
Panel 1
(Emily takes out her guitar)
Bill: You’re a musician, Star Child?
Emily: Totes! This machine, like, kills fascists, as they say.
Panel 2
Emily: GATHER ‘ROUND PEOPLE, WHEREVER YOU ROAM! AND ADMIT THAT THE WATERS AROUND YOU HAVE GROWN!
Panel 3
(People throw tomatoes at her)
Emily: See? Sharing the wealth.
Bill: Let me try that. I’m starving.
 
Panel 1
Alvin: So how’s fighting the power going, Bill?
Bill (on phone): Michael Moore spoke at our protest today, cheering us on and bashing the 1%.
Panel 2
Alvin: The same Michael Moore who’s a fat millionaire from lying in documentaries?
Bill (on phone): Yeah, I didn’t get it either.
 
Panel 1 (and only)
Protesters: #@$% THE USA! #@$% THE USA! #@$% THE USA!
Bill: I’m suddenly a lot less comfortable with this whole thing.
Emily: They’re just, like, letting off steam, mmkay?
 
Panel 1
Bill: It was great to meet you, Em– er, Star Child. I hope I see you around. What are your plans?
Emily: Going back to college. I just started. I don’t actually, like, go to classes and stuff, but I gotta represent, mmkay? And you?
Panel 2
Bill: Going back to my dad’s print shop, Prints Charming. So if you ever need anything printed...
Emily: Hey, yeah! You can, like, print the signs and pamphlets for my next protest!
Panel 3
Bill: Well, if it’s a cause my dad approves of.
Emily: How’s he feel about baby seals?

Panel 1
Bill: I’m back! So, can I get my paycheck for the days that I missed?
Panel 2
(George stares at Bill)
Panel 3
George: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Bill: Right then.
Connie: Phyoo! You still smell like Occupy.

Emily Visits Blue Haven (2012)

​Panel 1
(At the door)
Bill: Star Child! What a surprise!
Emily: Hey Bill. I was just in the zone and thought I’d, like, stop by, mmkay?
Panel 2
Bill: It’s great to see you.
Emily: Likewise, dude.
Panel 3
Bill: Uh, what’s with all the suitcases?
Emily: I was hoping you needed, like, a roommate.
 
Panel 1
Bill: Well, I guess you could stay for a few days... there does happen to be a vacancy, since I just finalized my divorce.
Emily: Oh! Like, tragic! How long were you guys together?
Panel 2
Bill: About two months.
Emily: Uber tragic, dude!
 
Panel 1
Emily: So I’m, like, almost finished with classes and I need a job for the summer. I was hoping to find something around here so I could be near my best friend, mmkay?
Bill: You know, it so happens that I did just see something.
Panel 2
(Bill hands Emily a flyer)
Bill: There’s an opening for counselors at Camp Itchyfoot, just a few miles away. I noticed it because I have fond memories of that place. I visited every summer when I was twelve to eighteen.
Panel 3
Emily (reading flyer): So, like, there's a boys' camp and a girls' camp?
Bill: Guess which one I visited.

Camp Itchyfoot was the name of the camp in a story / sing-along cassette tape that a family in my hometown played in their car sometimes when I was with them. It had fun songs for kids, including the version of "The Cat Came Back" that ends with the human race, but not the cat, getting nuked out of existence. And speaking of existence, the only evidence of it for this cassette tape that I can currently find on the entire internet is a reddit post cross-posted in two subreddits asking about it with no success. What. The. Crap.
 
Panel 1
Bill: You remember I told you about Star Child, Mom. I met her at the “Occupy” rally last year.
Connie: I refuse to call her that. What’s her real name?
Panel 2
Bill: Emily, but –
Connie: Emily! So you’re living with a barely legal girl named Emily. That you met at a conglomeration of socialist riffraff. How delightful.
Panel 3
Connie: My son, cohabitating! Where did I go wrong?
Alvin: This bothers you more than all his divorces?
Emily: I’m, like, standing right here, dudes.
 
Panel 1
Connie: Well, George? You usually love to talk and criticize folks. Why didn’t you chime in?
George: I’m sorry, it’s just – I was having such a flashback. It’s incredible how much she reminds me of my high school girlfriend Moon Nugget – er, Stella.
Panel 2
Connie: Oh, by all means, don’t let me interrupt your daydreaming about Stella.
George: It’s not like that, Connie, it’s just – thinking back to when we were so young, and reckless... nostalgia burst, you know? I got a lot of fond memories with her.
Panel 3
(Connie is furious)
George: Er, but not that fond.
Alvin: Uh, I’ll leave you two alone for a while.
 
Panel 1
Bill: Sorry my parents are so – uh, square.
Emily: Hey dude, they’re just, like, looking out for their son, mmkay? I got mad respect for that.
Panel 2
Bill: They don’t think I can take care of myself at this age. They don’t think a man and a woman can be just friends. What kind of trouble do they think we’re getting into, anyway?
Panel 3
Emily: How’s about I bake you some of my special brownies, mmkay?
Bill: Oh, yes please!

Spoiler alert, Bill and Emily always remain just friends. I think that's kind of beautiful.
 
Panel 1
Emily: So, like, I got the camp job, and I’ll be moving there in a few weeks.
Bill: Great. I mean, great that you have a job.
Panel 2
Emily: Yeah. And then I’ll be back to college in Connecticut. So let’s make the most of our time together, mmkay?
Bill: Yeah. You wanna see the sights?
Panel 3
Emily: There are, like, sights around here? Like, no offense, but looks like a big long drag to me, dude.
Bill: Well, it’s better after a big long drag.

Hahaha, drugs.

Susan Gets Laid Off (2018)

​Panel 1
Boss: I’ll cut to the chase, Susan. My niece wants a job here. We’re going to have to let you go.
Susan: What??
Panel 2
Susan: But I need this job... I’ve put my heart and soul into it...
Boss: I know it’s hard. Times are tough all over. But you’ll bounce back! And I’m sure your husband can help with –
Panel 3
Boss: Oh. Right.

Susan is a real estate agent, in case anyone forgot or didn't care.
 
Panel 1
(Susan is cleaning out her office)
Susan (thinking): After all my time with this company, they just throw me out like a used tampon so some snot-nosed unqualified kid with a connection can take my place...
Panel 2
Susan (thinking): What could be more degrading than that?
Boss: Oh, can you train her before you go?
 
Panel 1
Susan: So, the first main principle you’ve always got to keep in mind is –
Niece: You can hold it right there, ma’am.
Panel 2
Niece: Save your time and I’ll just tell my aunt you trained me real good. I’m just going to be playing “Doom” on my office computer all day every day anyway.
Panel 3
Susan: Are you #@$% kidding me?
Niece: I know the graphics stink, but you can’t beat the classics, all right?

The only reason it's "Doom" is because of a Dilbert comic I read from one of my dad's books long before I had any idea what it was. Dilbert schedules one month to build the product and five months to play "Doom".

Panel 1
Susan: I always prided myself on having built my own successful career without depending on a man. Now here I am, forty-four years old, and suddenly I don’t have a man or a job.
Panel 2
Susan: I can’t find another real estate agency hiring in this state, and all the other decent jobs are asking for thirty years of experience in fields I know nothing about. I don’t know what to do.
Panel 3
Alvin: You could always come join the rest of us at the print shop.
Susan: I’ll keep looking.

Tyler Starts a Band (2018)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=VaEY7Z3QsOA​Panel 1
Tyler: You know what would be cool? Let’s start a band!
David: Yeah!
Becky: Sweet!
Panel 2
Tyler: We’ll be called “The Purple Stars” and play a mix of punk, metal and Gothic rock. I’ll be lead singer and guitarist, Becky will be on bass and backup vocals, and David will play drums.
Panel 3
Becky: You’ve already put a lot of thought into this, huh?
Tyler: I didn’t want you guys to ruin it with your lame ideas.
David: Can I have purple hair?

In fifth grade I had a crush on this girl who totally snubbed me, so in sixth grade when she started a band called the Purple Stars I started a rival band called the X-rays and determined that we would crush them. Each group wrote some songs and to my knowledge never got futher than that.
 
Panel 1
Tyler: Let’s see... we’ll need to come up with pretentiously nonsensical album titles and art, psychedelic music videos with no coherent plots, and provocative antics for our live shows.
Panel 2
Tyler: We’ll need a band logo and licensed merchandise... T-shirts, pencil cases and so on... a tour van, groupies, media coverage... anything I’m missing?
Panel 3
Becky: Instruments, musical abilities and a song repertoire?
Tyler: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
 
Panel 1
Alvin: Tyler, if you’re really serious about starting a band, I’d be happy to buy you a guitar. But I need to know you’re committed.
Panel 2
Alvin: Being a musician isn’t all fun and games. It takes hours and hours and hours of practice. You need to work on memorizing chords until your fingers are calloused.
Panel 3
Alvin: Will you do that?
Tyler: You lost me at “isn’t all fun and games”.
 
Panel 1
George: Hang on, Tyler, I think I’ve got my old guitar in the attic somewhere... I was in a band once, you know. “The Friendly Ogres”, we called ourselves.
Tyler: Wow.
Panel 2
(In attic)
George: Yep, here it is! We’ll just need to tune it and it should be good as new.
Tyler: Wow. It’s beautiful.
Panel 3
Tyler: How can I ever thank you?
George: By not practicing at my house.
 
Panel 1
Tyler: Dad, can the Purple Stars practice in our garage?
Alvin: Er... well...
Panel 2
Alvin: I guess you have to practice somewhere... I wouldn’t want to stifle your creativity... this is a great thing you’re doing... um... well... okay, sure.
Panel 3
Tyler: Good, because we’re already set up.
Alvin: Rachel, if you need me I’ll be out of town.
 
Panel 1
Tyler: So we haven’t written anything yet. I suggest we start out like most people do, with covers of already existing songs. Here’s a favorite: the 1992 version of “Temple of Love” by Sisters of Mercy.
Panel 2
David: A girl band?
Tyler: No, they’re all guys, though this song has guest vocals by “the Israeli Madonna”, Ofra Haza.
Panel 3
Becky: Never heard of her, but those sound like big shoes to fill.
Tyler: You’re doing her part. I’m the lead, remember?
 
Panel 1
Tyler (singing): With the fire from the fireworks up above / With a gun for a lover and a shot for the pain / You run for cover in the temple of love / Shine like thunder, cry like rain...
Becky: Wait... “shine like thunder”?
Panel 2
Becky: How is thunder shiny? It’s a sound. Did they mean “shine like lightning”? That would make more sense.
Tyler: Becky, it’s artistic. It doesn’t have to make sense.
Panel 3
David: But they put so much thought into the “shot” pun...
Tyler: You’ll be the one getting shot if you guys don’t quit interrupting!

For real though, I love this song.
 
Panel 1
Tyler: Do you guys think I sound most like Tarja Tarunen, Anette Olzon, or Floor Jansen?
David and Becky: Who?
Panel 2
Tyler: The original lead singer of Nightwish, and her successors. Their vocal styles are very different, because Tuomas Holopainen felt Tarunen was irreplaceable.
Panel 3
Tyler: Whichever one I sound most like will determine whether we do “10th Man Down”, “Escapist”, or “Endless Forms Most Beautiful”.
Becky: I feel like you started a band just to show off to us.

10th Man Down is the first Nightwish song I ever heard, Escapist is the second, and Endless Forms Most Beautiful is profoundly spiritual to me (as well as reflecting Tyler's interest in biology).

Susan, Tyler, and Becky Go to Camp (2018)

Panel 1
Tyler: Now that we don't have to go to school, we can go anywhere. I vote for China.
Becky: You can afford that?
Panel 2
Tyler: Well, no, but –
Becky: Do you speak Chinese?
Panel 3
Tyler: Stop trying to ruin my goals, Becky.
Becky: Would you settle for accompanying me to summer camp?

At the end of first grade I told my class I was going to China, and then I was upset that my mom made a liar out of me by saying no. Also, setting up this storyline, which I really loved when I looked at it again recently, is the whole reason I shared the above storylines.

Panel 1
Bill: Yo, Susan, Star Child’s working at Camp Itchyfoot again this summer and she says there’s still another opening. Want me to have her put in a good word for you?
Susan: Thanks, but no thanks. I’m looking for something more... respectable.
Panel 2
Bill: And what have you got so far?
Susan: Uh... well...
Panel 3
Bill: I guess you could always come join the rest of us at the print shop.
Susan: Tell Emily that I accept her generous offer.
 
Panel 1
Susan: Well, I got a job as a girls’ camp counselor for the summer. I guess it beats flipping burgers.
Panel 2
Alvin: Who knows? You may end up loving it.
Susan: Living out in the woods with a bunch of angsty, hormonal adolescent girls? Not likely.
Panel 3
Alvin: Hey, on that note, you can get Tyler away from us for a while! You’ll give us a discount, right?
Susan: I would if I didn’t know you were desperate.
 
Panel 1
Emily: Hey, dudettes. So, like, welcome to Camp Itchyfoot. I’m your counselor, Emily Barnes, aka Star Child, and this is my assistant, Susan Cracroft.
Susan: Hello ladies.
Panel 2
Emily: So, like, find your cabins and set up your stuff and, like, meet back here, mmkay? We’re gonna have a stellar time this week.
Susan: We have lots of fun activities planned!
Panel 3
Emily: Just be careful of snakes, skunks, skunk apes, bears, wolves, cougars, the lake monster, poison ivy...
Tyler: There’s poison ivy everywhere.
Susan: They don’t call it Camp Itchyfoot for nothing.
 
Panel 1
Emily: Right now, y’all put your cell phones and tablets and, like, electronic stuff in this basket here, mmkay? We’re gonna get friendly with nature this week.
Girls: Awwwwwww...
Panel 2
Susan: You’ll get used to it! You’ll have so much fun with nature, the week will be over before you know it!
Emily: Time for a hike, dudettes! And, like, we’re off!
Panel 3
Becky: I’m gonna die if I don’t check Instagram in the next thirty seconds.
Tyler: Do I even know you, Becky?
 
Panel 1
Emily: A-HIKING WE WILL GO, A-HIKING WE WILL GO...
Susan: Quite. Er, I’ll just go find Tyler and Becky.
Panel 2
Emily: They’re missing?
Susan: I can guarantee without turning around that they’re missing. Tyler’s my niece, remember?
Panel 3
Tyler: Ooh, paw prints! Let’s follow them!
Becky: I used to follow people... when I had a phone...
 
Panel 1
Susan: Tyler! Becky! There you are!
Tyler: Hi, Aunt Susan.
Becky: It was her idea, Mrs. Cracroft!
Panel 2
[Rustle Rustle]
Susan: I don’t doubt that. Look, Tyler, I know you’re not a group person, but stick with us, please? Your parents would skin me alive if anything happened. They wanted to get rid of you, not get rid of you.
Tyler (glancing at rustling): Sure thing. We’ll hurry back right away.
Panel 3
[RUSTLE RUSTLE]
Susan: W-what’s that?
Tyler: Probably whatever left the tracks. Coming?
 
Panel 1
(At the picnic tables)
Emily: So, like, what craft are you making, Tyler?
Tyler: An AK-47 that will shoot pinecones.
Panel 2
Emily: Ha! Mad respect for your ingenuity, dudette, but, like, give peace a chance, mmkay?
Tyler: A well-armed summer camp is a polite summer camp.
Panel 3
Emily: Ha! Cute! Like, Susan, come see what your niece is making!
Susan (off-screen): I don’t particularly want to know.
Becky: I made a phone. It’s better than nothing.
 
Panel 1
(Around the campfire)
Emily: Right, dudettes, it’s time for campfire songs! Like, what do y’all like? I can play Guthrie, Dylan, Lennon, Marley, Yankovic, Seeger...
Tyler: Hey, Becky and I are musicians too!
Becky: Well, we just started this year.
Panel 2
Emily: Far out! Nice to meet some sisters of soul! Listen, you wanna get far, you gotta, like, expand your mind and see things different, mmkay? All the great artists did it. But not ‘til you’re older, mmkay?
Tyler: Riiight.
Panel 3
Emily: Try this on for size, y’all. COME GATHER ‘ROUND PEOPLE, WHEREVER YOU ROAM...
Girl: Can we tell scary stories instead?
 
Panel 1
Emily: Y’all want scary stories? Like, I’ll tell you a scary story, mmkay? You think you’ll grow up and change the world, but it’s all, like, just a scam. Rigged by Big Brother and the fat cats who fund him.
Panel 2
Emily: They’ll never do what it takes to stop climate change. And even before then, their nukes will probably, like, melt us all like Popsicles. We have, like, maybe a century left on this planet, mmkay?
Panel 3
Becky: That is a scary story.
Tyler: Only if you think the human race is worth saving.
 
Panel 1
Becky: Emily, you said something about a lake monster, right? What’s that about?
Emily: Ah, I’m glad you asked! So the monster is, like, some kind of aquatic dinosaur or whatever, mmkay? And he lives just over there, like a half mile away, in the depths of Lake Gammagoochee.
Panel 2
Emily: This monster isn’t sociable like his cousin in Loch Ness. He’s, like, an actual carnivore. He’ll pin you down and start, like, tearing out your organs while you’re drowning.
Panel 3
Tyler: Good story, but you need to flesh out the juicy details, no puns intended.
Emily: Have you ever, like, dissected an innocent frog? It's like that, but messier.

"The Gamma Goochee" is a really weird song by Joe Walsh.
 
Panel 1
Emily: Night, dudettes! If y’all need anything, like, just come and holler at my cabin! But don’t ever, ever come in without, like, knocking first, mmkay?
Tyler: Fair enough.
Panel 2
(In the girls' cabin)
Tyler: Good night, Becky. Good night, Stanley. Wait – aw crap, he’s gone. Help me look.
Becky: Look for who? Who’s Stanley?
Panel 3
Tyler: A snake I met earlier.
Becky: Not funny, Tyler.
 
Panel 1
Emily: So, Susan, you have, like, a boy toy? Or, like, if you swing another way, I’m totally cool with that too. Just wondering.
Susan: Ah, no. I’m currently single.
Panel 2
Emily: Hey now sister, you’ve come to, like, the right place, mmkay? Star Child will show you all the, like, tricks of the trade. I’ll have the boys, or whomever, lined up around the block for you.
Susan: Er... thanks.
Panel 3
Emily: Oh, that reminds me, Frank, you can, like, come out now.
Frank (popping head out from under bed): Thanks. It’s stuffy down here.
 
Panel 1
Tyler: You know, Becky, this isn’t really my idea of a camp. Anything with showers and flushing toilets isn’t camping in my book.
Becky: Then screw camping. I happen to like modern plumbing.
Panel 2
Tyler: Well, I’d still like to up the ruggedness factor a bit. You down for a little midnight adventure?
Becky: What do you have in mind?
Panel 3
Tyler: Skinny-dipping in the lake.
Becky: I had to ask.
 
Panel 1
(Outside)
Susan: Tyler! Becky! You’re supposed to be asleep!
Tyler: So are you, Aunt Susan.
Panel 2
Susan: Yes, well, things got a little awkward in Emily’s cabin. Her boyfriend is with her, and they’re... uh... well...
Panel 3
Susan: …smoking pot.
Tyler: Thank goodness. For a second I thought it was something inappropriate.
 
Panel 1
Tyler: We’re going skinny-dipping in Lake Gammagoochee. Wanna come with us and feel youthful again?
Susan: Well, the thing is, “Jaws” long ago cured me of any desire to skinny-dip at night.
Panel 2
Tyler: There are no sharks in landlocked freshwater lakes, Aunt Susan. And even if there were, they never deliberately hunt humans like in that movie.
Susan: I know. It’s not a rational thing. You know how childhood fears can be.
Panel 3
Becky: Of course, there is the small matter of the lake monster...
Susan: Exactly! Er, just kidding, heh.
 
Panel 1
(In the water; everyone is shown from the neck up)
Tyler: A monster in this lake is even less plausible than in Loch Ness. It’s much too small for a population of surviving plesiosaurs or whatever the hypothesis is.
Susan: I’ll take your word for it.
Panel 2
Tyler: I don’t think any of the cryptids are real. They’re all too large to still be undiscovered by now.
Susan: Your mom says Bigfoot saved you when you were a baby.
Panel 3
Becky: Really? I wanna hear that story!
Tyler: She also says “Lord of the Rings” is a documentary on feudalism, so...

See, this is literally the whole reason I shared the Bigfoot storyline.
 
Panel 1
Becky: Ack! What was that?
Tyler: What was what?
Panel 2
Becky: Something just moved in the water over there!
Tyler: Relax, Becky, it's probably just Jason Voorhees.
Panel 3
Becky: Th-th-that's not f-f-funny, Tyler.
Tyler: I beg to differ.
Susan: I'm gonna swim away from you guys for a while.
 
Panel 1
Susan (off-screen): Tyler! Becky! Where are you??
Becky: Right here! Don’t worry!
Tyler: Now quick, head for shore and steal her clothes.
Panel 2
Becky: What? That’s terrible!
Tyler: It’s just a harmless prank. We’ll all laugh about it tomorrow.
Panel 3
(At the shore, still in the water)
Tyler: Unless, of course, she stole ours first.
Becky: I’ll laugh tomorrow if I haven’t frozen to death.
 
Panel 1
(Tyler sees a dark shape with eyes in the water ahead of them and talks to it)
Tyler: Well played, Aunt Susan, well played. I see you take after me more than I thought.
Susan (off-screen): Who’s that you’re talking to, guys?
Panel 2
(Tyler’s and Becky’s eyes bulge)
Panel 3
Susan (off-screen): Guys?
Becky (looking down): This water got real warm all of a sudden.
 
Panel 1
Susan: Emily! Did a couple of naked campers run through here? I tried to catch up, but –
Emily: Hey now, sister, be cool, be cool. We’re all, like, one big family, mmkay?
Panel 2
Susan: Pull yourself together, Emily! We have a responsibility for these girls! Gah, your breath reeks!
Emily: Have you ever looked at your hands, Susan? I mean, like, really looked at your hands?
Panel 3
Susan: Oh, never mind, I see them up in that tree.
Emily: Heh, of course! Like, where else would they be?
Tyler (off-screen): Can we agree to never speak of this moment again?
Becky (off-screen): I’m itchy.
 
Panel 1
Tyler (writing): Dear Mom and Dad, Becky and I went skinny-dipping at night, Aunt Susan stole our clothes, we almost got eaten by the Lake Gammagoochee monster, and we ran naked through poison ivy.
Panel 2
Becky (off-screen): AIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!
Panel 3
Tyler (writing): On the plus side, we found Stanley.
Becky (off-screen): TYLER CRACROFT!
 
Panel 1
Tyler: So one of our counselors gets high at night, which is horrifically negligent of her, and the other one is my aunt, which is lame. No offense, Aunt Susan.
Susan: Some taken.
Panel 2
Susan: You’re right, though, Tyler. Emily should be fired immediately. And I might just resign. I need a job, but this is even more stressful than I anticipated.
Panel 3
Susan: You know, I heard Principal Donaldson wanted this job too...
Tyler: I meant “negligent” and “lame” in the most affectionate possible way, of course.
 
Panel 1
Emily: Listen up, y’all! The boys across the lake have challenged us to, like, a multi-event sports tournament! So we’re gonna, like, grind up their kiesters into organic burger meat, mmkay?
Panel 2
Tyler: What happened to “Give peace a chance”?
Emily: Sports rivalries are, like, a special case.
 
Panel 1
Becky: There’s a boys’ camp across the lake?? Crap, Tyler, do you think they saw us skinny-dipping?
Tyler: Doubtful. It was pretty dark.
Panel 2
Tyler: Unless – of course! They pranked us! There was no monster! And tonight, we’ll go back and prove it!
Becky: Nuh-uh. I wouldn’t go back in that lake if you paid me.
Panel 3
Tyler: Learning from your mistakes now? That’s going to make you less fun, Becky.
Becky: Sue me.

"Sue me" is a great punchline that can be used in so many contexts. I first learned it from Gary Larson.
 
Panel 1
Susan: Do you girls wanna be in the three-legged race together? I heard you like to run.
Tyler: Hardy har har.
Panel 2
Susan: Oh, but can you still do it when you have clothes on?
Tyler: This is a new side of you, Aunt Susan.
 
Panel 1
Cheerleaders: Go team, go! Beat ‘em beat ‘em beat ‘em! / Go team, go! Defeat ‘em ‘feat ‘em ‘feat ‘em!
Panel 2
Cheerleaders: Call the plumber! And call the ‘lectrictian! / ‘Cause Camp Itchyfoot’s in a winning position!
Panel 3
Becky: I love how we’re so loyal to this place we’ve only been at for a few days.
Tyler: “Plumber”? “‘Lectrician”? What the crap?

This cheer comes verbatim from the aforementioned cassette tape. I guess in order to sue me, the creators would have to first prove its existence.
 
Panel 1
(Yelling at the boys’ camp counselors)
Emily: Are you, like, blind or something? That was totally in, mmkay?
Susan: Maybe if you paid attention to your own players instead of ogling ours!
Panel 2
Emily (off-screen): Not that I’m like, prejudiced against blind people...
Tyler: Sheesh. Adults get so worked up over sports. It’s just a game; who cares?
Panel 3
Becky: I think I see David on the other team.
Tyler: Really? Then let’s pulverize them.
Emily: Tyler, do you, like, still have that AK-47?
 
Panel 1
(Boy kicks a soccer ball)
[POW!]
Panel 2
Emily: And it’s going, and it’s going, and... oh no! That idiot boy kicked it, like, right into the lake!
Panel 3
Susan: Want to go get it, Tyler? I heard you like to swim in that lake.
Tyler: Okay, that’s actually pretty funny, Aunt Susan. Fine.
 
Panel 1
(At the lake)
Tyler (thinking): Don’t soccer balls float? Then why don’t I see –
(off-screen): [PTOOEY!]
Panel 2
(The deflated soccer ball lands at Tyler’s feet)
[Plop!]
Panel 3
(Back at the game)
Susan: Well? Did you find it?
Tyler: Anyone for chess instead?
 
Panel 1
Emily: And the winner is... everybody! Because, like, we’re all winners! Trophies for everybody, mmkay?
Susan: What??
Panel 2
Emily: Naw, just kidding. We totally, like, kicked your trash, boys. Suck it.
Susan: Yeah! Suck it!
Panel 3
Tyler: Sorry about that, David.
David: I think the swelling’s starting to go down.
Emily (off-screen): Dudettes, I’ll be in my cabin, like, celebrating.
 
Panel 1
Susan (thinking): I don’t know how Emily’s lasted six years here without getting fired, but that ends now. Tomorrow I’ll report her irresponsible behavior.
Emily: Susan?
Panel 2
Emily: I just wanna say that you’ve been, like, a great friend and I’m sure we’ll have a great summer together. And I’ll try to help you find a boy or whomever, mmkay? Though honestly, boys are cray-cray.
Panel 3
Emily: No offense, Frank.
Frank (under bed): None taken.
 
Panel 1
(Tyler is staring forlornly at the ground)
Becky: I know it’s difficult to let go of Stanley, Tyler. But it’s for the best. This is his home. Sometimes in life we have to let go of the ones we love for their own happiness.
Panel 2
Becky: He needs to make his own way in the world. He needs to travel, to explore, to find mice and mates and whatever his little snake heart desires. But even though he’s gone, he can always stay in your heart.
Panel 3
Tyler (pointing): Becky, he’s still right there.
Becky: Don’t ruin this moment for me, Tyler.

Based on a true story. On a Boy Scout camping trip, we found a salamander and named it Sam after a girl from our church district (equivalent to a stake which is equivalent to a diocese, is what I've heard, though I don't otherwise know what a diocese is) because that was a gender-neutral name. On the last day we released it back into the wild and one guy gave a little speech like this and another guy ruined the moment by pointing out that he was still right there.
 
Panel 1
Emily: Bon voyage, dudettes! Remember, fight the power and, like, stick it to the man, mmkay?
Susan: I’ll see you around, Tyler.
Tyler: Shh, I’m pretending I don’t know you.
Panel 2
Tyler: Why aren’t you checking everything on your phone?
Becky: Hey, yeah! I had so much fun with nature, I forgot all about that!
Panel 3
Tyler: I guess this story has a moral after all.
Becky: That was the only moral you got out of it?
 
Panel 1
Alvin: Thanks for taking care of Tyler, Susan. But I heard a rumor that the other camp counselor got drunk every night. Anything to that?
Panel 2
[Silence]
Panel 3
Susan (on phone): Ah, no. Emily did not get drunk.
Alvin: Well, that’s a relief.

Hahaha, drugs.