I recently watched "The Princess Bride" for the first time in maybe almost a decade - the night before its thirtieth anniversary, as it happened - and finally noticed how useless Buttercup is. If I got mauled by a Rodent of Unusual Size and all my "true love" could think to do was watch from a considerable distance away, I would let Humperdinck marry her. They would deserve each other. Buttercup: Will you promise not to hurt him!? Wesley: Huh? Suddenly you're concerned about me getting hurt? That's funny, you didn't seem to mind a couple minutes ago when I was GETTING CHEWED ON BY A MONSTER! "Buttercup"? More like "Buttface"! At work on Wednesday, I was pondering the lack of justice in the world, as evidenced by (among other things) Hugh Hefner still being alive at a ripe old age. I got home to find that he is now dead at a ripe old age, and the world is now just a little bit better for it. Of course, the immeasurable damage he's done to American and probably global society and especially the women in it will last forever. But at least he's gone, away from us, somewhere else where in all likelihood his millions of ill-gotten dollars are suddenly of little or no use to him. RIP Hugh Hefner, who was a feminist in the same way that Colonel Sanders is a vegan. And by "RIP" I actually mean something entirely different that is not suitable for this blog. By the way, if you were outraged at Drumpf's misogynistic remarks but thought Hugh Hefner was a swell guy, you're a hypocrite of epic proportions. Now on to more comic scripts. You know, sometimes people ask what my series is about and I don't know how to sum it up so I say, "A family." Which makes it sound dull and unoriginal. "And they have a pet Komodo dragon." That about covers it. Preachy ComicsFor better or for worse (which is a different comic series altogether), Alvin is often reduced to a puppet for disseminating my views. Sometimes I'm able to weave this into an actual joke, and sometimes not so much. The hope is that with further revisions they will all be funny someday. Here are a few examples from the dozens that I have. Subtle Preaching Panel 1 Cashier: Whoops! Got stuck on “daddy duty”, eh? Alvin: No, ma'am. Panel 2 Alvin: For your information, spending time with my own child is not a duty, but a privilege. Panel 3 Tyler: Too bad I can't say the same about “daughter duty”. Less Subtle Preaching Panel 1 Rachel: My land. I took Tyler to the petting zoo today and they kicked me out for breastfeeding in public. Threatened legal action, even. Alvin: What? That's absurd! Panel 2 Alvin: I can't believe there's so much ignorance in this country about something so natural and innocent. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. Panel 3 Alvin: Don't let them get to you. All that matters is that Tyler appreciates it. Rachel: The baby llamas actually, but yeah they did. Blunt and Not Particularly Funny (Insert Your Own Quip About None of them Being Particularly Funny Here) Preaching Panel 1 Alvin: Oh no. The CIA will face global backlash and decreased influence if the Senate releases a report on their illegal, unconstitutional and immoral torture techniques. Panel 2 Alvin: Poor CIA. This must be so hard for them. What have they ever done to deserve this unjust and disproportionate suffering? Panel 3 Rachel: You're not making any sense, Alvin. Alvin: Good. A New One that I Cranked Out for this Special Occasion Panel 1 Alvin: I'm glad to see they gave Hugh Hefner a proper cremation. Panel 2 Alvin: It's just a shame they waited until he was dead. Rachel: Ha! Alvin, you're so funny! Creation Vacation (2007)Panel 1 Pastor Hartgraves: Alvin, I realize that you've had difficulties reconciling science and religion, and I'd like to offer my help. Alvin: Yeah? Panel 2 Pastor Hartgraves: When you have a greater understanding of science, the apparent contradictions will fade away. Alvin: I hope so too. You're a science expert then? Panel 3 Pastor Hartgraves: No, but a friend of mine is. You know the Creation Museum that just opened in Kentucky? Alvin: Hooboy. Panel 1 Alvin: So Pastor Hartgaves' close personal friend Ken Ham gave him a bunch of tickets to the “museum”, and he wants us to go. Rachel: We do need a vacation, Alvin. Panel 2 Alvin: That's true... and I suppose I should see it for myself and give it a fair hearing before I criticize. Rachel: That's the spirit! Panel 3 Alvin: I may need some alcohol to get me through it, though. Rachel: Think of your impressionable young child, Alvin. Panel 1 Alvin: You immediately get a general idea of what this “museum” is teaching from the displays – very pretty displays, I'll admit. Rachel: How do those people stand so still? Panel 2 Alvin: Humans and dinosaurs co-existed. And all dinosaurs were vegetarians before the Fall. You can't assume they ate meat just because they had teeth and claws designed for piercing and tearing flesh. Panel 2 Tyler: Waaaaaaaah! Alvin: My sentiments exactly, Tyler. Ken Ham doesn't seem to be aware that plants are also living things, so even if all dinosaurs were vegetarians, they were still killing stuff before the Fall. Panel 1 Alvin (reading): “Many 'living fossils', such as crocodiles, once shared the same world as dinosaurs.” Panel 2 Alvin (reading): “Since humans continue to live with crocodiles today, it is reasonable to believe that humans also shared the same world with dinosaurs.” Yes, that seems logical. Panel 3 Alvin: Grandpa Ivan once shared the same world as Winston Churchill. Since Grandpa Ivan is still alive today, it is reasonable to assume that I also shared the same world with Winston Churchill. Rachel: You did? Can you get me his autograph?? Originally was FDR, but then I thought Hitler was funnier, but then that violated Godwin's Law and also it was awkward for Rachel to want Hitler's autograph. Panel 1 Alvin (reading): “Can you tell how old this fossil is? Fossils don't come with tags on them that tell us how old they are.” No kidding. Rachel: The ones I saw at another museum did. Panel 2 Alvin (reading): “So we have to use the Bible as a starting point and use circular logic to determine that the evidence matches what we already believe.” Okay, that's a slight paraphrase. Rachel: I can read, Alvin. Panel 3 Alvin: That's the difference between real science and creation “science” in a nutshell. Rachel: How can there be atheists with evidence like this?? The scathing subtlety of Rachel's line is that it's the opposite of the way things are. There are atheists, in part, because of "evidence" like this. Panel 1 Alvin (reading): “When the Flood destroyed the world's forests, it must have left billions of trees floating for centuries on the ocean. These log mats served as ready-made rafts for animals to cross oceans.” Panel 2 Alvin: I can only assume these trees were made of plastic? And they could somehow support the weight of hippos and rhinos and elephants? Rachel: Yeah, it says that in Leviticus somewhere. Panel 3 Alvin: And all the marsupials just happened to go to Australia and nowhere else? Rachel: Silly marsupials, didn't they know about the poisonous spiders? Space prevented me from getting into this, but Answers in Genesis actually teaches that dinosaurs were on Noah's ark, therefore surviving the Flood and dying for some unknown reason later. So these "log mats" would also have had to support the weight of Apatasauruses (Apatasauri?). Yeah, no. And this is still only scratching the surface of why this hypothesis doesn't work. I can only fit so much in a three-panel comic. Panel 1 Tyler: Waaaaah! Rachel: Shush, shush. Your diaper's clean...you've got your binkie... are you hungry? No? Panel 2 Tyler: Waaaaah! Rachel: I can't calm her down, Alvin. Alvin: She's disturbing the other visitors, Rachel. Panel 3 Tyler: Waaaaah! Alvin: Unfortunately, it looks like we'll have to cut our visit short. Rachel: Then why are you smiling? Panel 1 Tyler: Waaaaah! Ken Ham: Hi, I'm Ken Ham, president of Answers in Genesis. Did you folks enjoy your visit to the Creation Museum today? Rachel: Yeah, we had fun. Alvin: It was interesting, I'll give you that. Panel 2 Tyler: Waaaaah! Ken Ham: Good, good. Well, I see you're in a hurry, but I hope you'll return when your child is old enough to understand it, and we have some great children's books in the gift shop. Alvin: Yeah, Tyler could use a good laugh. Panel 3 Tyler: Waaaaah! Ken Ham: Beg pardon? Alvin: I said thanks, Mr. Ham. Another involuntary celebrity guest star! With his soft-spoken Australian accent and love of Dr. Who, Ken Ham is impossible for me to hate, so I had no desire to portray him in a negative light. Panel 1 (in the car) Rachel: My land. I learned so many things at the museum that I never knew before. Alvin: Most of it was nonsense, Rachel. Panel 2 Rachel: Don't you believe in God, Alvin? Alvin: Of course I do! I even believe in most of the Bible. But science is pretty conclusive on a lot of things. We need to fit them into our paradigm, not throw them away out of fear and ignorance. Panel 3 Alvin: I don't know where or if Adam and Eve fit into the picture, but they did not live with dinosaurs. Rachel: Wait, are you saying “The Flintstones” isn't historically accurate? This was meant to be another evolution storyline, but there are so many other things wrong with young-earth creationism that I didn't even get around to mentioning it by name. Everything that Alvin reads from the signs, except for his slight paraphrase, is taken verbatim from the real-life Creation Museum. Scary, isn't it? Look, I don't care what you believe about the Earth or life on it, but don't pretend your views have any scientific plausibility if they blatantly don't. Rachel Explains Politics (2012)Rachel, in case you haven't noticed, is a gender-swapped version of the overused idiot husband trope (and therefore, in a perverse way, a feminist icon) taken to a ridiculous extreme a la Brewster Rockitt. (I feel now is as good a time as any to explain to a certain person named Rachel who may be reading this that yes, she is half named after you and half named after a coworker I barely knew who stared at me all the time, though her name was spelled Rachael, but the character herself, as a person, is not based on you at all and should not be construed as my opinion of your intelligence or your anything else. Okay? Okay.) But I like to have her subvert expectations sometimes, either by doing something that raises the question of whether she's really as stupid as she seems, or by accurately explaining something that normal people take for granted and thereby exposing how stupid it truly is. Here she does it with politics. Elsewhere she also does it with dating, but that may be too controversial to share. Panel 1 Tyler: How do politics work, mom? Rachel: Well, you can choose whether to be liberal or conservative, which determines whether you vote Democrat or Republican. Panel 2 Tyler: That's it? You only get two options? Rachel: You only need two options! Those two options are the entire spectrum of American political thought! Panel 3 Tyler: Well, that explains a lot. Rachel: Oh, and you're not allowed to be friends with anyone on the other side, so choose wisely. Whoopi Goldberg is pro-choice and a member of the NRA. Doesn't she know she can't do that? Panel 1 Tyler: Okay, suppose I pick one, let's say conservative/Republican. Rachel: Ooh, good choice, if you hate poor people. Panel 2 Tyler: Er, liberal/Democrat then. Rachel: So you hate freedom? All right then. Panel 1 Rachel: The states take turns holding primary elections, where the Democrats and Republicans each choose who they want to be the next president. Panel 2 Rachel: Of course, if your state has one of the later primaries, most of the options are already gone and its choice doesn't make any difference. This is perfectly fair because... um... because... Panel 3 Rachel: Because that's just how democracy works! Tyler: It's like you designed the system. Yeah, living in Utah, this really pisses me off. And I do realize the United States is actually a republic, because the Founding Fathers were afraid of pure democracy, because people are morons, but you don't expect these comic scripts to be that educational, do you? Panel 1 Rachel: So you end up with two options for president – well, more than two, but don't waste your time voting for another one because voting for another one is a waste of time. Tyler: That doesn't at all sound like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Panel 2 Rachel: So you pick whichever of the two options you hate less, and vote for him or her, but actually just him. Tyler: And whichever gets the most votes, wins? Panel 3 Rachel: Not exactly. There's this thing called the “electoral college”. I don't understand it because I went to a different college. Tyler: Thank God I don't have to vote for twelve more years. I actually agree with the electoral college - it got us a terrible president instead of a different terrible president, after all - but it does complicate things. Panel 1 Rachel: Voting for president is a very important civic duty. You should be grateful and proud to do it. Tyler: What's the chance of my vote affecting the outcome? Panel 2 Alvin: About 1 in 60 million. Almost 343 times smaller than the chance of you getting struck by lightning within the same four years. Rachel: She didn't ask you! Panel 1 Alvin: In fairness, you can have more of an impact voting for other people. Have you told her about those, Rachel? Rachel: Why would I? Nobody cares about those. Panel 2 Alvin: That's exactly the problem. See, Tyler, besides the President, there are also national and local Congress members and a governor and a mayor and town and school board members to choose. Panel 3 Alvin: Do either of you even know who our mayor is? Tyler: Nope. Rachel: We got a horse? Why didn't you tell me? Preachy as this one is, I'm chastening myself as much as anyone else. I do know who my mayor is but couldn't tell you one thing about his policies. I'ma go fix that right now as far as you know. Dinosaurs (2020)You may remember that last year I shared one script where Dr. Robert T. Bakker, real life originator of the Dinosaur Renaissance (but with a fictional personality just for fun), visited Tyler's and David's Biology class taught by Dr. James Pitts (named after a real professor of mine) and his assistant Mary Hollenbaugh (named after a real ridiculously gorgeous friend of mine). But that was just the beginning... Panel 1 Dr. Pitts: As promised, today we get to hear from Dr. Robert T. Bakker, who's largely responsible for the way we look at dinosaurs today. Dr. Bakker: Yep! “The dinosaur heresies”, I called them. Not so heretical anymore, are they? Panel 2 Dr. Pitts: Dr. Bakker has – Dr. Bakker: Everyone was so blinded by their confirmation bias and prejudice against reptiles that they scoffed at my radical new theories. Well, who's scoffing now, huh? Panel 3 Dr. Pitts: Yes, that's – Dr. Bakker: Suck it, orthodoxy! SUCK IT! Panel 1 Dr. Bakker: See, scientists are human like everyone else, and we aren't always objective and we make mistakes. But science is a self-correcting process, and the truth comes forward eventually. Panel 2 Dr. Bakker: There's a certain methodology that everyone has to follow. I couldn't just say “You're wrong!” to the orthodoxy. I had to demonstrate my case with logic and evidence. Panel 3 Student: Like Michael Behe? Other Student: Or Andrew Wakefield? Dr. Bakker: Let me start over. I wanted to take two potshots in one comic, but I realize it isn't entirely fair of me to put Michael Behe and Andrew Wakefield in the same category. Both of them are wrong, but only one of them is a lying pos with blood on his hands. (Hint: It's Andrew Wakefield.) Panel 1 Student: Mr. Bakker, you are an evolutionist, aren't you? Dr. Bakker: Sure am! If God didn't use evolution, he must have gone out of his way to make us think he did. Panel 2 Student: Wha? You believe in God too? Dr. Bakker: Sure do! In fact, I'm an Ecumenical Christian minister. I believe that faith and reason are fully compatible. Panel 3 Student: Well, that explains it. The ecumenical movement is of the devil. Dr. Pitts: Dr. Bakker, I'm terribly sorry, but the state board of education forbids the f-word in this classroom. Dr. Bakker: Yeah? They can suck it too. Bakker's line "If God didn't use evolution..." is a verbatim or almost verbatim quote from The Dinosaur Heresies. It really made an impact on me. I hope it's obvious that the f-word here is "faith". Not to be confused with the really, really bad f-word that rhymes with "end zone". Panel 1 Tyler: Dr. Bakker! You're still here! Dr. Bakker: Yeah, Dr. Pitts and I have something do discuss with you and David. Panel 2 Dr. Bakker: See, I wasn't just here to speak to your class today. How interested are you two in dinosaurs? Panel 3 Tyler: More interested than I am in boys, at least. David: That's not saying much. Panel 1 Rachel: Judas Priest, spring break is coming up. I don't know if I can stand having Tyler at home for an entire week. Panel 2 Tyler: Hi, mom. Dr. Pitts wants me and David to come on an expedition to an island off the coast of Costa Rica over spring break. I have the permission slip right here. Panel 3 Tyler: You didn't even read it. Rachel: If I just sold you into slavery, I apologize. Panel 1 (aboard the boat) Tyler: Wow. Going to an island off the coast of Costa Rica to study dinosaurs! Just like Jurassic Park! Dr. Bakker: Did you know the book was heavily based on my research, and I was the scientific adviser on the movie? Panel 2 David: You've mentioned that a few times, yeah. Tyler: Too bad these ones will just be fossils. Panel 3 Dr. Pitts: Er – there's something we should probably explain. Tyler: They're actually alive? Yeah, I read your lab notes. Panel 1 T. Rex (through binoculars): Rooooooooar! Panel 2 Tyler (holding binoculars): I just wet myself. But in a good way. David: Give me those! Tyler's quote was originally used by Jane Padgett in my unpublished manuscript "Space Girls" after she goes back in time and hears a T. Rex roar. I plagiarized myself because the line is just that good. Panel 1 Tyler: How did you guys do this? I know the mosquito thing in Jurassic Park was BS. Dr. Pitts: Actually, I don't even understand it. Mary did most of the calculations. Panel 2 Mary: It was childishly simple, but I'm keeping it to myself for now. There are all kinds of ethical concerns with this technology, and there are lots of people out there who would abuse it. Panel 3 Tyler: Someone would make a real Jurassic Park, and it would be a disaster. Mary: Right. Mesozoic Park will be nothing like that. More lampshade hanging. Panel 1 Mary: ...so then I thought, if we made this more like a national park, and didn't put the dinosaurs in cages, they won't feel a need to escape! They hopefully won't be restless and aggressive! Panel 2 Mary: The tourists will be in heavily armored vehicles, and once we learn more about the dinosaurs' psychology we'll hopefully be able to design ones that they won't attack. Panel 3 Tyler: What do we have so far? Mary: My dad's Jeep. We're low on funding. The national park thing is also an idea from "Space Girls". It could work, right? Cloned dinosaurs, mammoths, and passenger pigeons are all things in the year 2153, though they're not the focus of the story and mentioned only as worldbuilding details. Panel 1 David: Guys! Hey, guys – Mary: Not now, David, we're discussing important scientific matters. Panel 2 David: But it's – Mary: Just hold your horses and I'll be with you in a minute, okay? Panel 3 (The boat is drifting away) Tyler: Well? Did you tell them? David: I always turn to jelly when Mary speaks to me... Panel 1 Tyler: Welp, at least one of us is going to get eaten. That's just how these things go. Panel 2 Tyler: David and I are just kids. Mary is an attractive woman. Dr. Bakker is too famous and awesome. Panel 3 Tyler: Sorry, Dr. Pitts. Dr. Pitts: Hey! This is what I mean about the characters recognizing tropes and almost breaking the fourth wall. "Jurassic World" did blaze new territory by killing an attractive woman, in a ridiculous and thoroughly undeserved manner no less, but she wasn't a protagonist. Panel 1 Dr. Bakker: You know that paleontologist in the second Jurassic Park movie, Robert Burke, who gets eaten by a T. Rex? He was an affectionate caricature of me. David: Fascinating. Can we discuss this later? Panel 2 Dr. Bakker: I was glad to see him get eaten. I'd been arguing with Jack Horner about whether T. Rex was a hunter or a scavenger. Guess we saw who was right. Panel 3 (scene zooms out to show them driving a Jeep as a T. Rex chases them) David: That was just a movie! Dr. Bakker: Sure, but this isn't. Suck it, Horner! A recent analysis suggested that T. Rex couldn't actually run at all without breaking its bones. If that's accurate, my excuse is the same as why Jurassic Park dinosaurs don't have feathers: they're cloned and they got messed up. Panel 1 Alvin: I hope Tyler is having as much fun without us as we are without her. Rachel: Of course she is. She's doing dinosaur stuff. Panel 2 Alvin: Heh, but I wonder if she's getting disillusioned with it. Lying in the hot sun brushing rocks hour after hour? Sounds soul-crushingly dull if you ask me. Panel 3 (Back on the island) Dr. Bakker: There's a cliff up ahead. Tyler: Of course there is. Tyler the Troper at it again. Panel 1 (Jeep drives off the cliff) T. Rex: Roooooooar! David: I love you, Mary! I always have! Panel 2 (Jeep lands on another plateau a few feet below the first one) Panel 3 Mary: Sorry, what? David: What? Dr. Bakker: Smooth. Panel 1 Dr. Pitts: Velociraptors! As you can see, they look nothing like their movie counterparts. Dr. Bakker: I told Spielberg, but did he listen? Nooo! David: They look like big skinny chickens! Panel 2 Tyler: Hmm... I wonder if they taste like chicken too? Panel 3 (Tyler is sitting by a campfire with a homemade spear nearby and meat in her hands) David: Well? Tyler: Nah. More like fish, actually. The so-called Velociraptors in Jurassic Park are actually Deinonychuses (Deinonychi?) but like Norma Jeane Mortenson, they had to change their name for Hollywood appeal. Panel 1 Mary: Dr. Bakker, Dr. Pitts, bad news. I calculate that these creatures could produce enough methane to submerge their own island within thirty years. Dr. Pitts: Oh dear. Dr. Bakker: Crap. Panel 2 David: Huh? Mary: The methane will contribute to the greenhouse effect which will heat up the Earth and accelerate the melting of the polar ice caps, raising the level of the ocean until it covers the island. Panel 3 David: But what do you mean, 'produce methane'? Mary: Never mind. Yes, I realize climate change isn't real. Yes, that was sarcasm. Panel 1 Tyler: So what are you going to do about this methane problem? Mary: I don't know... I can't destroy the creatures I created, but I can't be responsible for hastening the planet's doom either... Panel 2 Tyler: You could be a true American and just ignore the problem until it becomes a crisis. Mary: And ask for more funding in the meantime? Brilliant! Originally Tyler said "You could be like a politician" but it isn't fair to always pretend they're the only ones. Panel 1 (and only) Dr. Pitts: The Jeep is almost out of gas. Our supplies won't last forever... David: Well, this is it then. We're going to get killed on this desolate rock. Tyler: Yeah, probably. But what a way to go! Dr. Bakker: I like your spunk, kid. Die with dignity. Mary: I just built an airship from a Triceratops carcass. Let's get out of here. This storyline went unfinished for a long time until I thought of how to get them off the island. It doesn't have to make sense. It's a comic. Or will be if I ever draw it. Panel 1 Dr. Pitts: Now remember, kids, as far as your parents know you've just been digging up fossils. Dr. Bakker (giving them wads of cash): To protect the dinosaurs until Mesozoic Park is opened, we need to keep it that way. Panel 2 David: I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with this... Dr. Bakker: Remember, it's for science. Tyler (admiring cash): Silly Dr. Bakker. I lie to my parents for free. Panel 1 Rachel: My land, spring break went by so fast without you! Did you have a good time? Tyler: Yeah, it was very educational. Panel 2 Rachel: That's good. Your dad and I were worried you might get bored. Tyler: Not at all. Oh, before I forget... Panel 3 Tyler: I brought you this, uh, fossilized Velociraptor egg. Rachel: Aw, you shouldn't have! Ooh, it's so warm! And now I'm not sure what to do about the Velociraptor egg. I don't want to just pretend it never happened, because I'm trying to be realistic, dang it. Charmer - Mesozoic MindWhile we're on the subject of dinosaurs and 1987 films starring Fred Savage, here's this. It's from "Dinosaurs! A Fun-Filled Trip Back in Time!", which my uncle owned on a VHS tape (now an extinct format) and which, many years ago, I watched at my grandmother's house until it wore out. It's actually a Claymation film from 1980 with later footage of Fred Savage, and this stunningly animated music video, seamlessly(ish) tacked onto the beginning of it. I was being sarcastic about the stunning animation but this song was and is still the best part. Watch the whole film next time you have a half hour to spare.
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One day one of my coworkers and sometimes bosses who normally doesn't work as late as me worked as late as me, and offered me a ride, and I had such a delightful time that at the next such opportunity I straight up asked her for one with no remorse for the mild inconvenience caused. What follows is my memory's best approximation of an exchange that occupied most of the journey to my house. Her: Are you working tomorrow? Me: Yeah. Every day... Her: It'll be a party. Me: Really? What's the occasion? Her: Ummm... we're still alive and making money. That's the only occasion I can think of. Me: But we don't know if we will be... you never know, we could crash thirty seconds from now and both die. Her: You mean in the car, or like planets colliding? Me: Uh... I guess either way. Her: I don't plan on it. Me: People usually don't. Her: Maybe they should. Maybe we should all plan on dying and live like it. Me: I would be such a jerk. I would tell so many people how I really feel about them. Her: Past people, or present? Me: Um... mostly past. I like most of my coworkers. Her: Haha! That's good. If you have something to say to me, the door is open. Me: Um... um... I hate... the way you do your hair. [Note: This is not true. But at the time, I was drawing for inspiration off of an Indiana Jones comic where he's being strangled to death and he thinks something to the effect of, "This is it... and I never got to tell Marion how much I... I... I hate those awful red shoes she always wears!" More about him in a bit.] Her: Haha! What's wrong with it? Me: It's like a crime against humanity. Her: Haha! This is how it naturally is. Me: Then I hate the way God does your hair. Her: Haha! Sometimes I hate the way God does my hair too. I'll do it differently tomorrow... Anything else? Me: I hate your clothes. Her: Everything? Me: Everything. Her: A lot of times I just wear the company uniform. Me: Well, it looks good on some people, but not you. Her: What should I wear then? Me: Um... a paper bag. Her: Haha! A paper bag? Me: I guess it would match your eyes... Her: My eyes aren't brown. Me: No? What are they then? Her: They're hazel. Which is what people with brown eyes say to make themselves feel better. Me: What's wrong with brown eyes? Her: They're just boring... Me: And what do you dislike about me? Her: Chris, I don't like your height. Me: My height? [Note: I assumed she just meant that she doesn't like that I'm taller than her because she's short.] Her: If you were just an inch shorter, or an inch taller, it would be fine, but this height just doesn't work for you. Me: What if I gained weight and expanded out a little, to kind of balance it, would that help? Her: Mm, no, I don't think there's really anything you can do about it. Me: I see... anything else? Her: Your socks. They're just boring. Me: Oh... well, I have some black socks with hamburgers on them. Her: Really?? That's great! Me: I usually wear them to church, because they're black, but I suppose I could wear them to work... Her: You should, and you should roll your pant legs up so everybody can see them. Me: Okay... and you know, you don't actually have to change your hair tomorrow... Her: I was thinking about straightening it, but now I'm going to just to make you feel bad. Me: Thanks. Her: Of course. So she did, and I did the sock thing, and now we're friends enough that I just go talk to her every day without needing to come up with an excuse, and I just keep insulting her. She insists that she likes being insulted as long as it's not serious, so it's okay that I'm being unkind because I'm also lying, and it makes her laugh and gives me a warm feeling. Are all humans this weird, or just Americans? Speaking of Dr. Jones...VidAngel, a company that has elicited a disproportionate amount of rage from people who can't think of anywhere better to direct it, is back for the time being and released this video about the crap in Hollywood. I agree with most of it. Female objectification makes me sick and Ferngully scared the bejeebers out of me as a kid. I loved Jar Jar Binks, though. He was intended as a comic relief device for children and whatever you may think of him, he fulfills that role just fine. I don't think we should "protect" our children from exposure to him. And the other bit I take issue with is their aspersion on Dr. Jones' character in their criticism of "scenes where it's the good guy forcing himself on a woman", briefly showing clips from Zorro and Indiana Jones and James Bond where the alleged good guys are allegedly doing that. And in the case of Zorro and James Bond, this criticism is entirely warranted. James Bond, in fact, in his very first film (Dr. No), also set the very first precedent for a movie protagonist to shoot someone in cold blood and still be considered a "good guy", so he's just kind of a jerk in general.
But in this clip from "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom", Indy is not forcing himself on Willy Scott. In both the film and the novelization (which states this explicitly) it's quite obvious that he isn't trying very hard to reel her in and she isn't trying at all to get away. She could just shrug it off and keep walking away if she wanted to, but she doesn't. You've seen him using that bullwhip on bad guys, right? You know what it looks like when he's actually trying, right? Maybe wrapping it around her in the first place is a jerk move regardless - certainly he must have broken some hips while practicing it on other occasions - but I don't think it would be any worse than an unsolicited hug, which may be objectionable but certainly not put him in a category with those other two jerks. A much better and equally famous, albeit less visually provocative example to use would have been Han "Stop what?" Solo in "The Empire Strikes Back". The same actor, no less. And then there's every single movie where the man kisses the woman without asking permission, aka virtually every movie that has kissing at all. This problem runs deep. Does Indiana Jones routinely flout even the 1930s' accepted standards of archaeology with reckless disregard for artifact preservation? Of course. Does he habitually break the laws of every country he travels through? Pretty much. Does he consistently leave a trail of death and destruction in his wake? More or less. Does he fail to provide the timely grading, personal mentorship, and full attention that his students deserve? Usually. Is he a rapist? No. That is all. Thank you for your attention. Last week I mentioned the Indian friend that I met at the institute Christmas concert a year ago. Of course I only mentioned his nationality because I love Indians, and I'm very excited that India is set to get its third LDS stake (Rajahmundry) this weekend and a fourth (New Delhi) sometime next year. Anyway, I hadn't talked him for a few months, but right after that post I contacted him again. As you can see, he still has his priorities straight. He has taken a lot of interest in my love life. When I met him, I also met the LDS white girl who had brought him to the concert, but I never spent much more time with her or got to know her like I did him. I inquired about her one time and he inquired back, "Do you like her or...?" And the truth was that a lot of times I don't categorize women as "I'm interested" or "I'm not interested" but just have them on a spectrum where they can move one way or the other as I get to know them more. But his English wasn't perfect and I didn't know if he would understand something so unusual, so I was just like, "A little bit", which was accurate enough. And then, before I ever told him about my depression he knew about it by deducing from my eyes that I had a lot in common with him. So somehow or other he got it into his head that I was obsessed with this girl and would slit my wrists or something if she broke my heart. He was really concerned and gave me a lot of pep talks about having self-esteem and not basing it on her. I never corrected him because I feel awkward about contradicting people because I associate disagreements with people hating each other, and also frankly it was good advice and I was super touched that he cared so much. After some time he had to bring me the news that she had gotten a boyfriend, and he was super worried and ready to be there for me. I really didn't care. I was just like, "Good for her." "Oh, good," he said. "I hope you are better and out of her now." I think he meant "over her". Biology 1010As I've been going through old posts trying to search engine optimize them, I realized that I wrote about dating a lot more than I thought and evolution a lot less than I thought. I'm writing about both right now so that ratio will remain the same. There are a couple of problems with this meme. First, "not meant to be"? Sure, maybe if you want to bring God into it and presume that God hates you, but if you're approaching it from a purely scientific angle, that's nonsense because evolution is guided by chance, not destiny. But the second problem is much bigger and basically ruins the whole thing. Many people mistakenly believe that evolution and/or Darwinism is synonomous with natural selection, but that's not the case. As early as his original book Darwin outlined another force known as sexual selection. Whereas the former is about survival, the latter is about reproduction and acts not just independently of, but sometimes in direct opposition to, natural selection. For example: Boy Moose: Hey there, girl moose. I just wanted to let you know that I'm really strong and adaptable and my genes would make a great contribution to your offspring, which I realize is something you get to be picky about because you will invest a lot more energy and resources into them. What do you say? Girl Moose: Hmph. Prove it. I'm really into big antlers - grow a pair, then we'll talk. Boy Moose: What?? But growing big antlers would be a total waste of my crucial resources, and they could get tangled in trees and bushes, making me more vulnerable to predators! Girl Moose: Hmph. If you're really as strong and adaptable as you say, those things shouldn't be an issue. Boy Moose: But – oh, fine. Hrrrrrnk... [Pop! Pop!] There. Two of the biggest antlers any woman could ask for. Happy? Girl Moose: Now use them to fight for me. It might seem silly, but she was a very cute moose. Made all the boy moose go "Whaaaaa!" Of course, humans are special and superior to other animals so sexual selection doesn't apply to us and has nothing at all to do with the evolutionary basis for archaic dating gender roles that I mentioned last week. No, actually it does, but I'm not going to complain about that again (for now) because it's pretty benign compared to many of mankind's other primitive "quirks". Can You Tag...There are a few demographics that it's still acceptable to be prejudiced against, such as mentally ill people (just don't be too blunt about it), anyone who doesn't share your political leanings (be as blunt as you want), and at least one of the Abrahamic religions depending on said leanings (Christians if you're liberal, Muslims if you're conservative, Jews if you're a conspiracy theorist). Oh yeah, and ugly people. Thousands of people consider it find and dandy to post Facebok memes of ugly people with captions like "Can you tag Dave? He left without paying last night" and then all laugh at the notion that Dave would have sex with someone so ugly. Because apparently once you cross a certain threshold of ugliness you no longer have feelings or dignity. All that stuff we say about "looks don't matter", "it's what's on the inside that counts", and "everyone is beautiful"? Yeah, we were just kidding. This form of prejudice is nothing more or less than another head of the same monster that spawned racism, sexism, nationalism, tribalism, homophobia, and all the other ways humans have been douchebags to other humans for as long as they've existed. I don't know anything about the people I've seen in these memes - except one. Believe it or not, she's a person and she's alive somewhere and she even has a name: Lizzie Velásquez. She has a disease so rare that it doesn't have a name, and she can't create body fat and she has to eat every twenty minutes and she's gone blind in one eye. Yes, she is aware that she has become the subject of one of these memes, and it isn't her first such discovery. One evening she was just browsing YouTube, minding her own business, when she stumbled upon a video called "The Ugliest Woman in the World". It wasn't really a video, just a picture, a picture of her. It had millions of views. People in the comments were saying things like "Kill it with fire!" (Hitler called. He wants you to please stop stealing his ideas.) I wouldn't trade all the suffering of my life for one experience like that. But Lizzie Velázquez is clearly stronger than a mere mortal, and instead of killing herself she went on to become an anti-bullying motivational speaker. I lump the people who bully her under the same term I use for tobacco company executives: "Satan's hemorrhoids." Speaking of images on the internet that promote extreme shallowness and insentivity to the actual humans in them for entertainment purposes... PornographyGovernor Gary Herbert of Utah, who declared pornography a public health crisis earlier in the year, is now putting our money where his mouth is with $50,000 out of a $16 billion budget devoted to anti-pornography education efforts. For perspective, that's 1/320,000 or 0.0003% of the budget. Naturally this has outraged some residents of Salt Lake who feel that Mormons and Republicans are legislating morality and infringing on their constitutional right to jack off to their hearts' content. This is a little odd, seeing as Governor Herbert has made no attempt to actually restrict distribution of or access to pornography, but it makes sense in their heads somehow. And of course it doesn't bother them in the slightest that pornography is being shoved in our faces to the point where children are first exposed to it at the average age of eleven. There is no conceivable way that this could affect their brain development, and if it does, who cares? That's their problem. Pornography is natural, pornography is harmless, pornography is healthy, pornography is great. Know how they know? Because they enjoy it, and therefore by logical inference it can't possibly have any negative consequences or repercussions whatsoever. QED. And of course all opposition to pornography is motivated by religion. That's why the United Kingdom, which is widely known for being a devoutly religious nation, has been at the forefront of opposing it in recent years. You know what, I know things sometimes don't come across as intended through text, so let me be perfectly clear: I'm being sarcastic and I think those people are idiots. Did I mention that these education efforts constitute 1/320,000 or 0.0003% of the budget? Kermit GosnellAs I've been going through old posts trying to search engine optimize them, I realized that I haven't written about abortion since February when NARAL had an aneurysm over the Doritos Super Bowl commercial. Good thing I was already planning on writing about it again - specifically, about Kermit Gosnell. Remember him? Or did you ever hear of him in the first place? If necessary, let Wikipedia refresh your memory: "Gosnell owned and operated the Women's Medical Society clinic in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and he was a prolific prescriber of OxyContin. In 2011, Gosnell and various co-defendant employees were charged with eight counts of murder, 24 felony counts of performing illegal abortions beyond the state of Pennsylvania’s 24-week time limit, and 227 misdemeanor counts of violating the 24-hour informed consent law. The murder charges related to an adult patient, Karnamaya Mongar, who died following an abortion procedure, and seven newborns said to have been killed by having their spinal cords severed with scissors after being born alive during attempted abortions. In May 2013, Gosnell was convicted of first degree murder in the deaths of three of the infants and involuntary manslaughter in the death of Karnamaya Mongar. Gosnell was also convicted of 21 felony counts of illegal late-term abortion, and 211 counts of violating the 24-hour informed consent law. After his conviction, Gosnell waived his right to appeal in exchange for an agreement not to seek the death penalty. He was sentenced instead to life in prison without the possibility of parole." How was this allowed to happen? Because the authorities in Philadelphia obviously cared so much about women's health that, despite multiple complaints, they couldn't be bothered to inspect his clinic or for how many years? Five? Ten? No, seventeen. Because holding the abortion industry to any sort of accountability or oversight, or enforcing any restrictions on it whatsoever, is seen by some as an all-out assault on women's health. Of course virtually everyone, regardless of their views on abortion, agrees that Gosnell is a monster. So why have so many people tried to keep us from knowing he exists? When his story broke, mainstream media outlets refused to cover it until they were forced to by the outrage of people who knew how to use the internet. I watched CNN spin excuses for why they hadn't covered it in the first place, and they were so lame that I felt embarrassed on their behalf. When filmmakers Magdalena Segieda, Phelim McAleer and Ann McElhinney decided to make a movie about Gosnell, Kickstarter refused to let them crowdfund on its website, claiming that the premise was too "graphic" while the pornography on the site apparently isn't. Because pornography is okay, remember? They crowdfunded on Indiegogo instead and set the record for the most successful film funded on that site. I contributed my widow's mite, which I mention only as a reminder that just liking Facebook pages and posts does virtually nothing to help any cause. Now all of Hollywood has refused to release the movie, claiming it's too "controversial", because apparently their pro-abortion films and all the other sewage they've put out in the last few years aren't controversial at all. But this isn't even really about abortion, right? It's just about one guy who broke the law and a bunch of spineless authorities who let him do it for a long time, right? Right? Ask yourself: what do all those people have to fear from the truth? So they're releasing the film independently sometime next year. In the meantime, they also have a book coming out in January. They want as many people as possible to pre-order it on Amazon so that it will show up on the New York Times bestseller list and be impossible to ignore. So if you're looking for some way to help, there's one. Now let's close on a more lighthearted note. Steven Cavanaugh - Walkers in a Winter WonderlandIn honor of "Rogue One" being released and Christmas soon to follow, here's a mashup that I can't believe I've never shared before. Steven Cavanaugh is from Australia, so he wrote this in June. It's brilliant and like many parodies I alway sing it instead of the original lyrics. Today in the never-ending thrill ride that is my life, I got a haircut! I always get it at the New Horizons Beauty College because they're in training so they do it super cheap, and I always try to get it from Abby because I know her and she knows how to do it. Anytime I get someone else they ask, "How do you want it?" and I'm like "I don't know... shorter? You're the expert, not me." But I worked it out with her and since then she remembers. Last time, some dude cut my hair and it looked fine but then it was too long again within a couple weeks, but I didn't want to go back so soon so I just waited and waited and waited. Then the other night I saw Abby in a crowd and decided it was time. I have a quiet (in addition to monotone) voice, so I followed her around saying "Abby. Abby. Abby. Abby. Abby." When she finally heard and turned around, her face lit up and she said "Oh hey!" and I suddenly felt guilty for just wanting a haircut and not talking to her just out of the goodness of my heart, so I felt like I should think of something else to say first, but I couldn't so I just stared at her with a dopey face for like ten seconds. I'm sure it was cute. I found out she's going to graduate soon, though, so I'll have to find someone else. I asked what she's doing after that and she said moving to Provo and I barely restrained myself from saying "Ew." No offense. Anyway, I got a haircut and then I left the beauty college and noticed that the street was lined with people waiting for the homecoming parade I totally forgot about. I'm not a patient man, so I walked down the street toward the parade so it would get to me faster. Along the way I witnessed some misplaced balloons headed to space, which was one of the most depressing sights ever as a child, to just imagine them going farther and farther and farther... It was a good parade. There was enough candy for me even after I let the children grab most of it first, maybe in part because I didn't have parents to stop me from going farther out into the road. After an hour, the parade concluded somewhat anticlimactically with a little car from S. E. Needham Jewelers. They threw out candy too, but it was just Tootsie rolls and stuff. They should have thrown out ring pops. That would have been so clever that I would have almost forgotten how much I hate them. I am deeply, madly, hopelessly in love with my job, but it isn't perfect all the time. After being told by the computer to accept a certain book, we must determine whether it's "Very Good", "Good", or "Acceptable". This involves skimming through the pages to check for writing, highlighting, or stains. Often we find bookmarks, receipts, flight stubs, etcetera. The other day I found porn. It was just a photograph that someone had gone to the trouble of laminating, but obviously hadn't bothered to keep track of. Though initially freaked out, I was glad to find it for two reasons: because I potentially spared some poor grandmother from finding it, and because it made me not hungry anymore. I threw it away, but when I emptied the bin at the end of the shift, it stuck to the bottom so that I had to touch it again and pull it out manually. I tried to tear it up, but I couldn't because it was laminated. That, unfortunately, was only the second most disgusting thing I saw that day. The first was a jackass claiming that, with "minute exceptions", only Muslims practice female genital mutilation, and obstinately sticking by his claim no matter how thoroughly I demonstrated that it has zero basis in fact. It is not primarily a religious practice and the vast majority of people who do it are not Muslims. If someone had said something so plainly false about Mormons I probably wouldn't have even bothered to respond, but I'm more defensive about other faiths, and I was all the more angry because this jackass is a Mormon himself. I hate it when Mormons think that being members of "the only true church" makes it okay for us to misrepresent and look down on others' beliefs. And the hypocrisy of crying foul when people consider themselves experts on their faith based on a handful of embarrassing quotes, but then doing the same to Islam, is almost too much to bear. Forget the Old Testament, Brigham Young said stuff that's worse than anything in the Quran. And the FGM thing isn't even in the Quran, but in the hadiths, where it's never a requirement. The reason this came up, incidentally, was that Elder Holland recently became the first top LDS leader to publicly denounce female genital mutilation, and that made me very happy because it really bothers me. I had to read quite a bit about it in an anthropology class and the whole time I felt like slitting my wrists to distract myself from thinking about it. I imagine it must have been addressed by mission presidents and/or area Seventies before, though, because they address other cultural practices that aren't in harmony with the gospel and that doesn't usually get talked about on a global level unless you happen to read one of their books (e.g. "Safe Journey" by Elder Glenn L. Pace, which I highly recommend), and one way or another, FGM isn't practiced by Mormons in Africa. Good for them. After some consideration, I am officially endorsing Gary Johnson for president. I would vote for Zaphod Beeblebrox before either of the mainstream candidates, so it pleases me that this alternative actually has a chance. He'll only win if Americans grow spines, though. Voting for the lesser of two evils so the greater evil doesn't win is cowardly, if not downright treasonous to the principles of democracy. If you deliberately vote for evil then that's what you'll get and that's what you deserve. Granted, I'm not sure Trump is mentally competent enough to have evil intent, but actual results are what matter. The Mormon SectionSome time ago I started occasionally drawing a cross on my hand to remind me of the biblical admonition to "take up [your] cross and follow me". During my call center job I did that almost every day and it helped me endure. Sometimes when I'm nervous I make the crossing gesture across my chest like Catholics do, and it has a calming effect. All of this makes me very weird because the LDS Church doesn't use crosses at all (with the exception of its military chaplains who follow the standard dress of Christian military chaplains). They never used it much to begin with, but the current unofficial official anti-cross stance only dates back to the McKay administration. And it's fine with me because it gives us a distinctive and refreshingly simple look. I'm not disputing it. But I see no harm in individual members (e.g. me) wearing it themselves, and I can't stand is Mormons misrepresenting and looking down on others' beliefs about it. So without further ado... Stupid Things that Mormons Say About the Cross"The cross is a symbol of torture and death." No, it isn't. Mainstream Christians believe that the Atonement transformed the cross into a symbol of hope. We don't get to tell other people what their symbols mean. "We don't use the cross because we don't focus on Jesus' death." Except for almost every week during the most important ordinance in the Church. And don't try to pretend you've never been in a lesson where they fixated on His suffering at great length to try and make everybody emotional about it. "If Jesus had been killed with a gun, would you wear a gun around your neck?" That would be a completely different context because guns have killed millions of people and are still frequently used to kill people today. Crosses, on the other hand, are no longer in use, and most people can name only one person who was killed on one: Jesus. Hence they can be adopted as a symbol while guns could not. Incidentally, I can only assume that anyone who thinks using the cross as a symbol is a recent or misguided innovation has never actually read the New Testament. Sisters of Mercy - Temple of LoveSigh. So romantic. Do you think, if I were ever to get married, that we could actually play this in the temple? It would be a temple of love because God is love. Facebook is Stupid -_-I am so tired of this crap from Facebook. Hitler's Jewish purge was not some sort of aberration, but a natural outgrowth of century after century of anti-Jewish bigotry, and this bigotry still exists. This is partially why I made a conscious decision to like and trust the Israeli girl at the mall and let her sell me those skin care products I couldn't really afford. Since Jews have been stereotyped by "Christians" as sleazy, cunning money-grubbers for so long, I chose to believe that she wasn't ripping me off and really would take me to the movies as promised. Someone told me a week later that she was probably long gone by now, so I went back to verify that she was still there, and she was, so my trust hasn't been shattered yet. Anyway... that isn't the worst of Facebook's stupidity. It really disturbs me when pornographers make a big deal about having models as young as they're legally allowed to be. I get the impression that they would use 15 year olds in a heartbeat if they could. Anyway, trained orangutans could literally do a better job than this at policing Facebook's "Community Standards". They could be trained to recognize the shapes of the letters in certain words indicating red flags, which is obviously more than Facebook's staff is capable of. Whatever they're being paid is too much. NormIt's heartwarming to see the faith, goodness, etcetera of the old people at the old people place in spite of their deteriorating bodies and/or minds. One old man named Norm stands out in this regard as he joins us in singing the hymns, even though he can't stand up without swaying around like a bobblehead, his voice is so weak as to be barely audible most of the time, and he has great difficulty even turning the pages of the book. I like his attitude about life too. Last week someone told him "Have a good day" and he responded, "It's a good day when I wake up. If I wake up." Having said that, I never, ever, ever want to be that old and frail myself, as it's probably a hundred times less fun to live through than to witness. I hope I die before then. JanetAbout three years ago I met this lady who I shall call "Janet" in an institute class and for whatever reason, she remembered me and always said hi from then on even though we never really talked or became close. This wouldn't have been a problem except that she was married and I was aware that I had in times past flirted with female friends without even realizing it, even when I wasn't actually interested, and I became super paranoid about that happening if I interacted with her too much, so I just felt super awkward every time and I think she thinks I'm "special" and she isn't really wrong. We never went beyond saying hi except for once when she was trying to use a computer terminal at the campus library and her baby was crying so I went over and made faces to calm her (the baby) down, and one time when she forgot to lock her front door so she asked me to go do it and let myself out the back since I lived close by. It took her like five minutes to ask because she kept oscillating between her worry about someone breaking into the house and her worry about inconveniencing me. One time a year or two later my ward was gathered at the church building near my house to carpool to a home evening activity, and being Mormons, of course, they were still gathered there twenty minutes after we were supposed to have left. I got frustrated and bored and didn't want to socialize like everyone else was doing so I wandered away to the other side of the building. Across the street, Janet was out with her toddler and newer baby playing hopscotch and eating popcorn and, seeing that I was all alone with no family and no home evening, invited me to join them. So I played hopscotch for a minute, feeling awkward all the while, and then her husband appeared in the doorway. A look of murderous rage came over his face. He stormed out, down the driveway, toward the sidewalk, past me, and moved the baby a little further from the road, and then turned and went back into the house without saying a word. I decided it was a good time to go rejoin my ward. Afterward I told myself that the look of murderous rage on his face must have been my imagination, driven by paranoia, because I hadn't been doing anything wrong and had never done anything wrong. I was just paranoid and everything was fine. But the next time I saw her she said, "Sorry my husband wasn't very nice. He thought I was flirting." Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because I saw them at Summerfest last night and accidentally made eye contact with him through some bushes as I walked past and slipped away into the crowd, and from what I could see through the bushes I felt like I should probably stay hidden. Predominantly, though, while I was scared the first time, this time I just felt like laughing. Maybe that makes me a bad person but, setting aside the fact that I've never done anything, he must be the most insecure person in the world if he feels threatened by me. The Mormon SectionLast week I mentioned Elder Glenn L. Pace's book "Safe Journey: An African Adventure" and his struggle to gain government approval for the temple in Ghana, and since it's such a good book I'm going to lift from it again. During this time period he also got church approval for the temple in Nigeria, albeit this was a much easier and less frustrating process. Church leadership hesitated to announce one because of the instability in the country. When he returned to Utah for General Conference in April 2000, they asked him about conditions and he responded: "We just had riots in the north over the passing of Sharia law, and several hundred Christians were killed. In retaliation, several hundred Muslims were killed in the south, including many right in Aba where the temple site is located. In the delta region, where the oil fields are located, many hundreds of people have been killed. Whole villages have been burned from explosions caused by sabotage of oil lines. Oil executives are being kidnapped and held for ransom. In Lagos there have been serious riots in the streets. Vigilante groups are springing up all over the country - and they are recognized, condoned, and even encouraged by the police and military. In summary, things are better than they have been in thirty years." I just have always wanted to share that quote. More seriously he continued, "Brethren, if we wait for Nigeria to be stable before we build a temple, we might as well forget it. I feel we have to move forward and support the people. I understand your apprehension. However, if I remember right, there was a lot of instability in Nauvoo when we built that temple." President Hinckley announced that temple at the end of conference a couple days later. The moral of this story, in case you didn't catch it, is that sometimes you just have to go ahead and do something and not wait to be ready for it because you never will be. The Music Section The choice paralysis described by Aziz Ansari in "Modern Romance" and mentioned here extends beyond marriage to several other aspects of life. For example, I have over three months' worth of music on the hard drive from my busted laptop, so when recently I was able to remove said hard drive and put it in an enclosure, I was faced with a real dilemma of which song to listen to first. (My life is horrible.) The winner ended up being "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" by Norah Jones, which was a free iTunes download in December 2012. There's a lot of legally free stuff available if you know where to look. The reason I accumulated so much music was that after the first time I had a laptop fry, and was without it for so long, I realized that was what I missed most of all. And as Aspies are prone to do with this or that, I developed an obsession with it. I became at least as fixated with accumulating music as with actually listening to it. I developed a mindset that I was moving toward a goal of "completeness" in my collection, which of course was nonsense given the sheer volume (pun intended) of music in the world. Of course I was already aware that I needed to re-balance my priorities and not spend so much time accumulating more, but being without a laptop again helped me to accomplish that more quickly. Now, with over three months' worth of music suddenly available at once instead of gradually, the thrill of accumulation is there again and I don't feel compelled to keep doing it so much. Of course I still have the list of albums that I intend to get someday, and tracking down obscure and out of print things on the Internet is still an adventure, but I'm doing it over a longer timeframe and not devoting so much time to it all at once. Listening to music, on the other hand, is good but not inherently productive, so the idea is to write stuff while doing so (like right now, for example). What I like most of all is to shuffle all three months plus of music at the same time. Then I never know what will come up and it removes the problem of choice paralysis or bias. When I first heard the concept of a "playlist" after getting my first mp3 player about ten years ago, I thought it was weird. Why limit yourself instead of playing it all? Now, continuing on with another alien invasion song, this one from UFO Phil, a strange individual "who has made a name for himself through appearances on national radio programs, television, films, and internet videos speaking on the subject of extraterrestrials and the paranormal. Whether Phil Hill is an actual believer in the paranormal or is engaging in a kind of performance art is the subject of some debate." (Wikipedia) UFO Phil - Alien Jam |
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- Amelia Whitlock "I don't know how well you know Christopher Randall Nicholson, but... he's trolling. You should read his blog. It's delightful." - David Young About the AuthorC. Randall Nicholson is a white cisgender Christian male, so you can hate him without guilt, but he's also autistic and asexual, so you can't, unless you're an anti-vaxxer, in which case the feeling is mutual. This blog is where he periodically rants about life, the universe, and/or everything. Archives
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