While I was high some weeks ago, I got a prompting of sorts to reestablish a relationship with my dad, whom I haven't proactively talked to since he pissed me off six years ago. If you go back far enough through my blog, you can find some information about why he pissed me off. But even if I let that go, we still don't have the same beliefs, values, or interests, and he's not a safe person to open up to about personal things that don't fit his worldview, and I wouldn't likely choose to associate with him at all if we weren't related, so I really struggled to find the motivation or a reason why I should. Eventually I did reach out, and it turned out he and my mom were nearby visiting my sister who just had a baby. My sister said she got a prompting before she even got pregnant that the baby wanted to be named after our grandmother "for her valiant example." I'm sure the "valiant example" my sister has in mind is that our grandmother has stayed faithful to the LDS Church long after her husband and five of her six children left. Of course, it's easy for a woman born in the 1940s to not care about the LDS Church's racism, misogyny, or queerphobia. I don't have that luxury. But yes, it's cool that she sticks to her convictions.

Anyway, my parents came to visit me, my dad graciously fixed my bike with his engineering expertise, and then they let me tag along with them to visit my mom's dad in Idaho. They laughed goodnaturedly at my "White Dudes for Harris" cap, which I wore to be provocative. My mom said, "I could vote for Harris if she wasn't an idiot." I opted not to say anything about how Trump literally has dementia or how Harris handed his fat dirty ass to him in their debate. My parents recognize that he's a horrible person, but I'm sure they're still going to vote for him because they think Republicans are always the lesser of two evils. I think Trump's movement is the biggest threat to democracy and liberty that this country has ever faced, I'd rather get a blow job from a piranha than vote for him, and I've considered suicide if he wins. So my parents and I are from different planets. At least they're not hardcore MAGAts. If they were, I wouldn't even consider trying to have relationships with them.

Last night I briefly considered joining them, my grandfather, and my aunts in the living room, but they were just talking about church crap. My mom said she's encountered a lot of women in the LDS Church who put up with abusive husbands to keep the peace, partly because of the church's all-male leadership, so she gave a talk to tell them that's not okay. I appreciate that. I'm just perplexed that she recognizes the church's all-male leadership as a factor but still doesn't think it's a problem. The church absolutely creates a safe space for abusers of women and children to thrive. She mentioned one specific abusive man who ended up leaving the church, and her response to that was "Well, duh, he was obviously never 'all in' to begin with." I know that my parents both know about their church protecting child sex abusers and fighting against the victims in court, because I sent them an article about it when the scandal in Arizona broke two years ago, but they've been deafeningly silent about it. Anyway, most of that discussion was about more benign church stuff that I just don't give a crap about, so that reminded me how isolated I am in this family.

Then somehow their discussion transitioned to politics. My grandpa, who watches Fox News, complained that society is really bad lately, about pretending  that men and women are the same when they're not the same. When people say that, they never seem to elaborate on it. What roles or rights should men and/or women be denied in society because of their differences? Honestly, it wouldn't be a bad idea to bar men from being doctors or cops, since it's been proven that female doctors and cops both kill fewer people. To his credit, my grandpa also said, "Not all men are the same, and not all women are the same." That's something I don't hear very much. It kind of goes against the LDS Church's "men are providers and women are nurturers" crap. Then there was some allusion to liberals' inability to answer the question "What is a woman," but fortunately it didn't verge into explicitly transphobic territory that would have pushed me to jump in and say something regrettable. I have a transgender sibling whom my parents consistenly misgender, but they're not raging assholes about it like most conservatives.

Then my dad said people forget that the United States is a republic, not a democracy, and people who want to abolish the electoral college are wrong. At this point I had to jump in because it's bullshit that the same seven states decide every presidential election. He said that California and New York shouldn't get to control everything because of their population sizes, but I don't see how Wisconsin and Pennsylvania controlling everything is an improvement. He was adamant that individual states should have most of the power and the federal government should stay out of their way. Right or wrong, I think he lost that argument centuries ago, and I feel like in his worldview, it would make a lot more sense for each state to just be its own freaking country. If we did that, of course, the same states that currently ban reproductive freedom, abortion rights, and quality education would still be racially segregated too. Anyway, I didn't argue for very long because it would have just been unpleasant for everyone involved, but I had to say something because "swing states" should not be a thing. He used healthcare as an example of something the federal government has no right to be involved in, and I restrained myself from saying how much I hate living in the only developed country in the world without universal healthcare. My 60-year-old roommate is getting evicted because she's broke from medical and dental bills. I don't go to the doctor. I could already have cancer and not know it.

Anyway, I can't relate to these people at all. I certainly don't think I have to agree with someone on everything to get along with them, or that I should live in an echo chamber, but I don't know what there is to even talk about with people whose worldviews are so alien to mine, particularly when the people they vote for are working tirelessly to destroy human rights and create a theocracy despite their claims to be about "freedom" and "small government." My dad says he appreciates living in "a free state" now, even though Indiana bans books, abortion, mairjuana, and gender-affirming healthcare. I don't want to live in that version of America. So after last night, I just feel lonelier than ever.

My sleep has been even worse than usual for the last two weeks. I don't know why, but I suspect it may be due to stress over the election. I've had two dreams about the election that I woke up from in the middle of the night. In one, I watched Harris winning in a landslide, and then Trump was right there in front of me. I wanted to punch him in the face, but I didn't want to get shot by the Secret Service, so I laughed at him instead. He just gave me this blank, empty look, and I laughed harder and mocked "the look on its face." I was so effing depressed when I woke up.

I do think Harris will win in a landslide, though. I think the polls, which have been wildly wrong before, are overrepresenting Trump's support because they're skewed toward old people who answer phone calls from unknown numbers. I don't answer phone calls from unknown numbers. I wait for them to leave a voicemail. I think women will carry Harris over the top because they're so pissed about losing their bodily autonomy. Abortion rights have won every time they've been on state ballots since then. Historian Allan Lichtman has used his "13 keys" model to successfully predict the outcome of every presidential election since 1984, except for 2000, and that's only because the Supreme Court intervened and threw out a bunch of Black Floridian votes for Al Gore, and he says Harris will win. If and when Harris wins, of course, Americans are still in for a rough time because Trump will throw another temper tantrum and spew a bunch more lies, and his supporters will get violent again like the angry zombies they are. I hope the Capitol police are prepared to use lethal force this time.

I'm sure Trump will win Utah because the values I was taught in Mormonism don't actually mean anything to most Mormons, but even here in Midvale, I've seen more Harris signs than Trump signs if I don't count this one psychopath who's made hating Biden his entire personality. Let's see, we have "I could shit a better president than Joe Biden," "Joe and the hoe [sic] gotta go," "Biden Harris" being shat on by a dog, "Even my dog hates Biden," and then I can't see what the flag under the American flag says, but it's anti-Biden, and he also has more anti-Biden signs on his driveway gate that didn't make it into the picture because it was open.

The little white signs are about how he'll kill you if you trespass on his property. And sure, I support property rights and all, but it's so obvious that he, like most Trump supporters, is just yearning for an excuse to be violent. He probably has wet dreams about shooting home intruders. These are not healthy people. I walked past his house in my "White Dudes for Harris" cap yesterday and felt very brave. I fully expect him to do some kind of domestic terrorism if and when his orange god loses.

If Trump doesn't lose, though... I don't know how I'll find any more will to live. It will be a disaster of legendary proportions not only for this country but for every country that isn't already ruled by dictators. It will set back social and environmental progress by at least half a century. I don't know if I'll have the strength to keep fighting anymore. I don't want to spend one day in the theocratic shithole that right-wing Christians are desperately trying to create with Trump's help. Hence my stress. I would be so satisfied with my life if this... former president would just have a fatal heart attack already. I never, ever, ever, ever want to hear his voice again. Did you get my joke? I paused and said "former president," which is the same thing Harris did during the debate when she clearly wanted to say "motherfucker," and it was priceless. Anyway, don't forget to vote, unless you're voting for Trump.

I had the best experience yet getting high last week, but I'm not getting high today because I've decided to take a break for at least two weeks so I don't destroy my brain's pleasure center. Some of my family members are wary about me using drugs, and some people get addicted and get into worse drugs and ruin their lives and stuff, and I ought to be more cautious about that. To be clear, though a part of me does enjoy telling people I got high because it's taboo and "bad," I don't do it for pleasure or to escape from my unpleasant emotions. I do get pleasure and escape from my unpleasant emotions, and I won't apologize for that, but I do it for spirituality. And though I can't prove it, I think the intentions and the preparation that I've brought to this have shaped the experiences I get out of it and made me less susceptable to the potential pitfalls. I came for spirituality, and I got it. I use the drugs as part of my journey, not a crutch or a shortcut. But drugs are not toys, and I'm sure they're not right for everyone even if they're right for me. I'm not encouraging anyone to use them.

This last time, I felt like I was in contact with the spirit world, reaching out to other people's consciousnesses, people I used to know and people I still know, learning about the plans we'd made in the premortal existence, apologizing for how I'd wronged them. I spoke to them with my thoughts. I'm sure none of them heard me. I'd love to know if any of them felt anything at all. I also got an impression that I might die in three days, and then I felt like I was pleading my case to some unseen, unheard personage (not God, I don't think, but maybe, who knows) about why I needed more time and could do so much more to bless people's lives while I'm here. I didn't die in three days, but I don't think that was ever really going to happen. I feel like I just needed to prove to myself how much I want to be here. (For now. After I do die, I sure as hell don't want to come back.) Even though it was just my own brain talking, it felt like a revelatory experience. I'm well aware that I might have just been delusional, but I've already lost much of my fear of death, made peace with a very traumatic past event, and made positive changes in my life as a result, so maybe the world could use more of that kind of delusions.

And I had another little psychic moment that helped to validate the experience for me. I'm not making any real effort to get a girlfriend, but once in a while I'll get on Bumble and swipe for a minute. I can always see that a few women have swiped right on me, but I can't see who they are because I won't pay for Premium, so I just have to hope I'll stumble across them in the natural course of things, which rarely happens. This time, I looked at the first woman who came up, reached out to her consciousness, and somehow found things to say about her profile for fifteen minutes or so. During this time I came to an implicit understanding that she had swiped right on me. And finally I was like Well, I'll feel pretty stupid if she didn't swipe right on me. I swiped right on her, and boom, we had a match. And then she never messaged me, but it was still cool. I also telepathically thanked a woman who had stopped messaging me for briefly coming into my life to tell me I had "the most soulful eyes." I also gently telepathically scolded a woman from Ukraine who said she was "apolitical" even though one American party supports her country and the other does not. I was nice about it, but I was in tears as I pleaded with her to take more civic responsibility.

I debated how much to share because this is my special personal experience that doesn't need to be broadcast to the world, but I do want to share things that might benefit and uplift others in their own spiritual quests. I decided to err on the side of not broadcasting it because I'm too lazy to try to describe this experience in words. You'd never be able to feel its intensity through words alone. So I'll just mention one more thing. I got the real or perceived revelation that Donald Trump chose to play a villainous role in this life so that others could have the opportunity to exercise moral goodness by fighting against him. Obviously I was inspired by the claims of near death experiencers that this life is like a play and we're all just performing roles. Whether my insight into Trump is objectively accurate, I can't say, but it makes me hate him less, so I'll stick with it. I thought, I hope I'm not a villain. And then I immediately thought, I am to some people.

This week hasn't been bad, but it's been long for some reason. I can't believe it's only been five days since the debate where Donald Trump got curb-stomped by a woman twenty years younger than him who isn't completely detached from reality. Oh, what a delightful change it was from the first debate. I'll readily admit Biden's obvious cognitive decline. If only Trump's worshipers would do the same. At this point, I find it very difficult to muster up a shred of respect for anyone who still thinks, even if they're willing to overlook his gargantuan moral deficiencies, that he's competent to run... well, anything. They're simultaneously saying that he won the debate and that Harris only won the debate because the moderators were biased, because she had the questions in advance, because her earrings were actually earpieces, and because she used witchcraft. Yes, really. It is most unfortunate that people who believe in witchcraft in 2024 have any political influence whatsoever, but here we are. Anyway, enough has been said about the debate that I don't feel a need to rehash all the reasons why Trump sucks. But wow, I feel so energized. I had little hope for my country's future a few months ago. Now I do. Harris isn't perfect, but compared to Trump, she's Jesus. The people who still think Trump is the lesser of two evils are the same people who think Zelenskyy is the aggressor in Putin's war.

Oh yeah, there is one other thing I wanted to say. I wanted to kiss both of the moderators, especially David, for actually fact-checking some of Trump's deranged bullshit. I didn't know that was allowed. Of course this made idiots think he was being persecuted, even though they also let him speak five and a half minutes longer than Harris and get the last word on EVERY SINGLE TOPIC. I'm not mad, though, because the more he talks, the more he sabotages his campaign. I was going to say "shoots himself in the foot," but that's too soon, right?

Yes, I thanked this mindless machine. I feel comfortable interacting with AI as if it were conscious, because it acts like it's conscious, and besides, this way its algorithms might tell it to be nice to me if it does take over the world.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. In June I wrote about my experience with a mushroom gummy that, unlike the first brand of mushroom gummies I tried, actually did something. But it seems I had a miscommunication with the friend who gave it to me, because when I asked her about it so I could get more (after waiting a couple months to make sure I'm not turning into a junkie), I learned it was actually a Kush Kube that contained Delta 9 THC and CBD. And I ate the whole gummy, but the recommended dosage, as I found out when I got more, was a quarter of a gummy. So yeah, I should have been more careful, but I survived. And the recommended dosage does almost nothing for me, so I'm back to full gummies. My second experience didn't last as long or contain any out-of-body stuff, so that was a disappointment, but it helped me sleep, and I'm desperate to fall asleep before two a.m. without taking melatonin or NyQuil every single night of my life, so that was great.

I never got around to mentioning this, but my Twitter account has been suspended for over two months, and I've chosen to leave it that way. This was my third strike. First, I got in trouble for saying I can't wait until Putin hides in a bunker and kills himself. Twitter, being a haven for Russian bots, took that very personally. Then I got in trouble for saying that the only platform Nazis should get is one that comes with a rope and a long drop. Twitter, being a Nazi platform, took that very personally. Then this last time, I got in trouble for saying "Die mad about it" to a moron who said that Juneteenth isn't a real holiday. Since Elon Musk fired all the smart people, Twitter interpreted that common figure of speech as a threat of violence. I appealed the decision and suggested that they penalize the moron for being racist instead. Twitter upheld the decision and didn't penalize her. I appealed it again. It's been stuck on appeal for over two months. They clearly have no intention of touching it, and the only way I can regain access to my account is by canceling the appeal, deleting the post, and acknowledging that it was wrong. Screw that.

It's really for the best. Twitter brought out the worst in me. Of course, in my case, the worst means insulting and swearing at terrible, horrible, no good, very bad people who deserve all of it and so much more. I'm not even a little bit sorry for being mean to bigots who make the world a worse place with every breath they take. But I'm sure it wasn't good for my spirituality or my blood pressure. Also, Elon Musk is a colossal piece of shit, and I don't want to make any money for him, especially now that he's using it to get Trump re-elected. Elon Musk is a case study of how capitalists support fascists for personal gain. Also, if he weren't rich, he would already be in serious legal trouble for his fake voter registration website. Billionaires should not be allowed to influence our elections. Billionaires, frankly, should not be allowed to exist. No, I'm not advocating the French solution, as much as I admire and fantasize about it. Making them pay their share of taxes would also work. Anyway, here's a funny video from my favorite comedian about how stupid Elon Musk and his fanboys are.