The Texts I Sent While I Was High

I got high from a THC gummy for the third time a week ago, and barring any unforeseen complications, I should be getting high from a THC gummy for the fourth time in just a few minutes. Last time, I texted my friend Kylie because I knew she would find it funny and not judge me. I don't know what I'll do this time. These gummies do weird things to my brain, but I don't think they can make me do anything that contradicts my values. Every time I wrote one of these texts I felt like I was in full control, choosing every word with great care, but as soon as I finished, I felt like the drug had made me do it. I wrote out a transcript of these texts to include in my upcoming book, and I'm going to include them here as well so I don't have to write a post.

21:44
Girl on dating app: “What’s the last thing that made you smile?”
 
Me, currently smiling from ear to ear because I’m high:

22:00
Would an actor named Cunidan Chesterbutt be funny, or is it just me?
Sorry
22:01
Like not sorry, cause I’m laughing, but sorry it’s weird, but not like Trump weird so it’s fine [cry-laugh emoji]
22:04
2 mins later: Shit, I hope I sent that to the right person
22:30
Chesterbed Cunningbald. Saved for reference. I knew you’d understand
22:32
Kylie no Kyping. No cops
22:33
I know that’s not a word, okay. It was a joke that I thought was funny but you probably won’t – emoji or no? Okay

22:37
Kylie: What in the world, Chris? [two cry-laugh emojis]

22:38
Chesting Cunningbutt. Running gag keeps me grounded to you
22:39
It’s not illegal. It has a store here
22:41
I am delirious and aware at the same time. I know I’m weird, but not Trump weird. I know this will brighten your day, which makes me laugh a lot
22:42
Not a bot
Remember Angie, it’s really me
Oh no not Angie
22:43
I’m fine, just joking, no sadness, only joy and love and peace
22:44
I can write better than this if I’m not high
22:47
This is what you get for earning my trust
Tell me to stop if you’re not having too much fun
Or enough
22:48
Not in a flirty way. If that sounds flirty, disregard. I’m over-explaining myself to make sure because I’m high
I just thought too much fun was a weird phrasing, but it sounded high, so I added to it
22:49
If I stop, I’m not dead. I’ve done this twice before
It’s not illegal
Even in whatever state I’m in. I know, but you don’t
22:52
I have more profound thoughts than Chestingham Cunningbutt, but they’re not yours
22:57
If I remember the Sesame Hindu gods, if I remember the connection
Note to self
22:59
Sydney Sweeney has a martini,
What is she going to do?
I had some ideas for eating Puccini*,
But I couldn’t write a haiku.
 
*Pun because it sounds like a pasta
I’m not faking it
23:00
I’m making you laugh, I hope. It brings me joy to share my joy. Gag, virtue signaler
23:02
No one says Coinkydonk. How will Kylie react to that? It’s stupid
23:04
I write these things and then I lay back down in bed and instantly, it’s a distant, hazy memory because of how time works because of the time break, I mean the drug. I choose the words to make them sound drugged, but I can do better, I just want to do them like that and go back to bed and be like woah (sound drugged)
I can do better because I have an English degree. You know that. Good night
23:13
I made a connection. Maybe I drowned in a previous life, and that’s why getting water in my eyes went to just hating it and not wanting to swim. Even though I’m skinny so I can’t float. Is that profound? I think so, and I’ll see in the morning.
I thought it was falling at first, that I died by falling, but it could be both. Multiple lives
23:14
Margaret please, I beg of you, it is three o’clock in the morning
23:22
I want you to know, don’t worry, it’s kicking my ass in the best way. Even if you’re not high, that’s clever
I know you’re not. I mean you in the general sense. Please don’t block me
23:23
The Margaret thing was a meme, or at least it sounded like one
Waiting to explain that later is funny while I’m high. It’s probably not too you. But maybe, if the timing is right.
23:24
*to, dang it, I swear that’s the first time my writing’s been so messed up. But you can see I’m aware now. And funny as I am, I’m not clever enough to fake this. Right? It’s self-evident.
23:27
I checked to see that you said, “What in the world, Chris? [two cry-laugh emojis]” Because now that seems like a distant memory, even a dream. Did I really write so much? I’m sorry. I’ve got to sleep soon, which changes the context of the apology in English, and I’m laughing because I hope you’re smiling, or vice-versa, so that’s all for now. I hope I have no bad thoughts to spill out with this truth serum. But I’m happy. I hope you are too
And stuff, I debated adding to the end of that sentence
23:28
Not wanting to be too high, not wanting to be too dull or prosaic
23:36
Bishop Verlo Howell: does he love me? Does anyone care for me? These things come to me, I think of sending them to you, it seems stupid, then it doesn’t seem stupid, then I do it. I have agency, but then it’s like a dream and I don’t. But I only do what I want and then conk out. And it’s a whole other realm, so to speak
23:37
Like that was stupid right? But I did it as if it wasn’t. My shoulder hurts. I’m going back to bed. Is this weird enough, or too weird? One thing’s for sure, it’s the best experience of my life. It will go great in my book.
23:38
Research, doncha know [wink emoji]
My actual book, not my metaphorical book meaning my opinion
23:39
Restraint. You don’t know a hundredth of what I’m going through. I can’t make you get it, but it’s all good, so good. I could die tonight and be satisfied with everything in the universe, but I won’t. I have stuff to do. And this is legal, even here. Callback to earlier when I said that.
23:41
It’s like a roller coaster that goes for what feels like twelve or twenty hours, but I never get sick. I just love it, and I hate rollercoasters. But there’s a time break, I mean a drug. Callback.
See, I can make connections. My brain’s not fried even though it’s in a constant state of explosion
23:42
Writing that was amazing. Everything is. You are, but don’t get cocky.
23:44
I keep thinking about Mary. I kind of love her, but as a friend, that’s all I know. She’s a goddess, but also an alcoholic, and she’s working on that. I love her, and I want her to succeed. Regardless of anything else. idk the future, do you? If you do, you’ve been holding out on me. Okay? I just spaced out guy a minute. It felt like longer than that. I’m not trying to be cute with the Mary thing, I promise, I’m just irrational but also aware, but not of how stupid it is to say these things.
23:49
Kylie, I won’t tell anyone to do drugs, but this is the best fucking thing of my life. (Swear for emphasis.) My smile grows as I share it, but you can never understand what it’s like to smile like this. I mean, you smile, but I mean you’re not having my experiences, and I can’t do them justice in this dead language
23:49
See, I sent my previous text 4 mins ago, but it felt like I took a nap for two hours in between then and now
23:51
I had a grasshopper in my room today. I got it out. It’s not jumping on me tonight. That’s all. It’s stupid to write those things, but then I do it like a dream. I’m dizzy though. Good night.
00:16
I’ve just been cruising non-stop. It feels like six hours or more. I want to remember to listen to the Arab chipmunk song when I see this in the morning. That’s a real song, but just what I call it.
00:20
Fortune cookie idea: The afterlife doesn’t care that you’ve lost weight.
00:23
Connection between Hume’s colors (not Plato’s) and the language filtering that one lady talked about. Note for tomorrow. You’re my notepad, Kylie. But I can’t describe most of this.
07:39
I’m alive. Told you [cry-laugh emoji]

08:25
Kylie: Oh good [two cry-laugh emojis]
08:26
Kylie: I mean, I was a wee bit worried about you. But at the same timem it sounded like you were having a grand time [cry-laugh emoji]

Cunidan Chesterbutt was apparently my brain's attempt to pronounce Benedict Cumberbatch, and I found it hilarious. I knew it would be less funny to someone who wasn't high, but also that me finding it so funny because I was high would be funny to Kylie. This is the Arab chipmunk song:

And I think the rest is self-explanatory. Maybe you can't tell, but it really was, without hyperbole, the best experience of my life. It was a thousand times better than an orgasm. I was peace, love, and joy strapped to a rocket for what felt like twelve hours. At one point I felt like my arms and my left leg dissolved into the universe, and it felt great, and I rooted for the rest of my body to dissolve. I'll work on that. And I ​understand now why Elijah McClain told the cops who were killing him for no reason, “You all are phenomenal. You are beautiful and I love you.”