The End of Alvin and the Cracrofts (Probably)

Back in 2016, I had the idea for a comic strip that became "Alvin and the Cracrofts." Since writing is much easier and faster than drawing, I wrote hundreds and hundreds of scripts that never came to fruition. I shared several of them in blog posts that are listed under the category "Alvin and the Cracrofts." It's been three years almost to the day since I shared any, and the last time before that was in 2017. It was a fun idea for a while, but I've basically moved on from any dreams of making it a reality, though in a year or two I'll probably be able to generate strips to my heart's content with AI. I haven't ruled out that possibility.

Unlike most comic strips, I decided that the characters in this one would age. It spanned twenty years from 2004 to 2024. As the characters aged, they often commented on and participated in real life events. I wrote strips going out all the way to 2024, assuming I could insert the real life events after they happened. I didn't anticipate any big world-changing events that would force me to rewrite a bunch of stuff. The big world-changing events that would force me to rewrite a bunch of stuff is one reason I don't bother with it anymore. But because the year is now 2024 and won't be for much longer, I want to share the ending of the series, which will be incomprehensible to anyone encountering it for the first time. You can read the previous posts, and you can read about all the characters and a timeline of major familial events on this page. I'm not going to explain everything again here. Sorry. The central characters are Alvin Cracroft, his mentally challenged wife Rachel, their slightly evil daughter Tyler, and their pet Komodo dragon Steve.

As always, some of these are still brilliant, some are meh, and some are "What the hell was I thinking?" That's normal, though. Real cartoonists also have awful ideas that they refine or discard when they actually draw the cartoons, and I never got that far, so give me a break.

This One is Probably Problematic Now

​Panel 1
Tyler: Time to Facebook stalk my upcoming college roommate.
Panel 2
Tyler: She looks like a prostitute.
Alvin: That’s not a nice thing to say.
Panel 3
Alvin (looking over Tyler’s shoulder): ...even if it’s accurate.
Tyler: Or a clown, but she’s a little too scary for that.

Prom?

​Panel 1
Tyler: Any advice for prom, Aunt Susan?
Susan: Afraid not. I went to prom alone.
Panel 2
[Awkward silence]
Panel 3
Tyler: Now I’m depressed.
Susan: You’re depressed??
 
Panel 1
Rachel: I went to prom with Steve.
Tyler: Him, really? Wasn’t he way out of your league even then?
Panel 2
Rachel: We just went as friends, of course. Sometimes that’s the best way.
Tyler: I’m sure it wasn’t awkward at all.
Panel 3
(Flashback)
Student: Your date is the ugliest guy I’ve ever seen.
Rachel: Steve, let her smell your breath.
 
Panel 1
David: Do you think Mary would go to prom with me?
Tyler: No, David.
Panel 2
David: If I came up with some really clever way of asking her? Some brilliant science pun? Something about the periodic table?
Tyler: No, David.
Panel 3
David: “I’m attracted to you like a proton. Yes, I’m positive.”
Tyler: Read my lips, David.
 
Panel 1
Becky: No one’s asked me to prom yet. No one wants me. Guess I’ll go drink bleach.
Tyler: Hey hey, none of that, Becky. Time to be assertive.
Panel 2
Becky: You think I should ask someone myself?
Tyler: Heck yeah! It’s the twenty-first century, Becky! Be a liberated woman!
Panel 3
Tyler: You know, David still needs a –
Becky: Bleach it is then.
 
Panel 1
Becky: Hi David. Tyler says you need a prom date because you won’t ask anyone who isn’t Mary.
David: Well… yeah… and I’m too scared to ask even her.
Panel 2
Becky: As you should be. Look, I’m not Mary, and I don’t want to go with you, but since time is running out and I’m getting desperate and Tyler said we could hang with her and Zack…
David: What are you saying, Becky?
Panel 3
Becky: Will you… uh… forget it, I can’t keep a straight face.
David: Hey, I just had an idea. Want to go to prom with me?
 
Panel 1
Alvin: Like most things, prom was way cheaper when I was a kid. They try to make it a bigger deal every year, don’t they?
Panel 2
Alvin: Look at this. Look at how much prom dresses cost. How come girls can’t rent them? How come boys can rent tuxedos but girls can’t rent dresses? It’s discrimination, and I’m the one hurting from it.
Panel 3
Rachel: I still have my old one in the attic.
Alvin: The one that Steve drooled on? It smells like a locker room in hell.
 
Panel 1
Tyler: None of that pretentious limousine crap for me, Dad. I’m picking up Zack and David and Becky in Diana.
Alvin: That thing?? She’s enough of a road hazard without four idiot teenagers partying inside.
Panel 2
Tyler: I suppose we could get a limo… I wonder how much they cost these days…
Alvin: Drive safely.
 
Panel 1
Tyler: Ready to go, Zack?
Zack: Tyler! You’re beautiful!
Panel 2
Tyler: Thanks, so are you. Ready to go?
Zack: Yeah. Bye Mom! Bye Dad!
Panel 3
Tyler: We have time for a quick makeout session before we get Becky and David.
Zack: Let’s get out of my parents’ driveway first.
 
Panel 1
(In the car)
Tyler: Guys, I have an idea. Let’s skip stupid old prom and go to dinner and a movie and stargazing instead.
Panel 2
Zack: Whatever you say, dear.
Becky: Let’s go.
David: Fine with me.
Panel 3
David: Wait, what if Mary is chaperoning at prom?
Tyler: Then we’re doing you and her both a favor.
 
Panel 1
(At prom)
Audrey: Mary, have you seen Tyler Cracroft?
Mary: Nope.
Panel 2
Audrey: Ugh. Great. I just know she's planning some kind of awful prank. I can't relax until I find her.
Mary: I'll check the ventilation system.
Panel 3
Audrey: But at least that friend of hers isn't here drooling over you either, eh?
Mary: Who?
 
Panel 1 (and only)
(Stargazing)
Becky: Wow… you know, David, the stars are so big and vast that my problem of being stuck here with you seems insignificant.
David: Thanks.
Zack (to Tyler): You thinking what I’m thinking?
Tyler: Star Wars marathon tonight? Oh yeah.
 
Panel 1
Alvin: How was prom, sweetie?
Tyler: Prom! Prom! Prom! That’s all anyone talks about anymore! It was all right. We didn’t go.
Panel 2
Alvin: Didn’t go?
Tyler: There’s something to be said for spontaneity and non-conformity.
Panel 3
Alvin: Tyler… do you have any idea how much that dress cost?
Tyler: I’ll wear it on Easter.

Miscellaneous

Panel 1 (and only)
Rachel: You know, I always felt like Amelia Bedelia was the only sane person in a world gone mad.
Alvin: You know, the older I get, the more I agree with you on that.
 
Panel 1
Alvin: There are some exceptions, and some overlap, but I’ve noticed that most music videos fall into three chronological categories. Fifties to seventies: “Look, we’re singing a song!”
Panel 2
Alvin: Eighties: “This is art and it doesn’t have to make sense, dang it!”
Panel 3
Alvin: Nineties to present: “I’m awesome and women are objects!”
Rachel: I give up, what does chronological mean?

Graduation

Panel 1
Audrey: Tyler, this is a little unorthodox, but I’d like the Purple Stars to perform at graduation.
Tyler: Awesome. How much will you pay us?
Panel 2
Audrey: I was thinking you could do it out of school spirit.
Tyler: Right, right. Whatever.
Panel 3
Tyler: Of course, paying us would reduce the risk of any, shall we say, not school-appropriate surprises in the show.
Audrey: Do you want to get your diploma in one piece, Tyler?
 
Panel 1
Tyler: Okay guys, I’m thinking Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out”, Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall”, and Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher” – great drum solo for you, David – not necessarily in that order.
Panel 2
Tyler: Any other ideas?
David: You’re asking us for ideas?
Becky: I’m thinking Kool & The Gang’s “Celebration” because that’s how most of us feel about graduating.
Panel 3
David: Can we do a Schoolhouse Rock greatest hits medley?
Tyler: David... okay, whatever.
 
Panel 1
Tyler: Hey guys, you know what would be funny? At the end of our show, let’s moon the audience.
David: Yeah!
Becky: Sure.
Panel 2
(Tyler and Becky walk away without David)
Becky: We’re going to let David do it alone, aren’t we?
Tyler: If he hasn’t figured me out by now, that’s his problem.
 
Panel 1 (and only)
Audrey: Tyler, Audrey Three would like to guest star in your concert for a rendition of “Mean Green Mother from Outer Space”.
Tyler: My life just keeps getting cooler.
 
Panel 1
Tyler: Graduation is tomorrow, Grandma Jerry. Not gonna lie, I’m scared.
Jerry: You’re taking your first step into a larger world, Tyler.
Panel 2
Jerry: When I graduated high school back in ‘45, there weren’t many opportunities for women. The war was just winding down, so even the factory jobs and such that had opened were closing off.
Panel 3
Jerry: Of course, Ivan came to provide for me and he was wonderful, but I would’ve liked to be an astronaut. You have so many options these days.
Tyler: That’s part of what scares me.
 
Panel 1
Audrey: Welcome one and all to the graduation ceremony for the class of 2024. I’m sure none of you want to hear a boring speech, so in lieu of that, please welcome the Purple Stars!
Panel 2
Audrey: For those of you who don’t know, which is probably most of you, the Purple Stars is a local music group composed, pun intended, of Tyler Cracroft, Becky Forbes, and David Kowalski.
Panel 3
Audrey: Prepare to have your socks knocked off.
Tyler: I wonder if the valedictorian is relieved or pissed off.
 
Panel 1 (and only)
Becky: I can’t believe David actually went through with it.
Tyler: I can.
Audrey: What’s the big idea, young man??
 
Panel 1
Audrey: Tyler, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye, but you’re a great kid with a lot to offer the world.
Tyler: Thank you, Principal Donaldson.
Panel 2
Audrey: When the Purple Stars make it big, and you excel in whatever other career you may choose, I hope you won’t forget your roots. Stay humble even in your triumph.
Tyler: Thank you, Principal Donaldson.
Panel 3
Audrey: I never thought I would miss you, but I... I...
Tyler: You’re holding up the line, Principal Donaldson.
 
Panel 1
Mr. F: Tyler! I have gleaned bits of information about this ceremony you call “graduation” and used my vacation time and traveled this long distance just to celebrate with you!
Tyler: I’m flattered, Mr. F.
Panel 2
Mr. F: From what I understand, this ceremony is similar to one we have on Tobin where the young ones metamorphose into their adult form and enter the Sorting Machine to be fitted to their new occupations.
Tyler: Sounds about right.
Panel 3
Student: Who in the –?
Tyler: This is my charmingly eccentric cousin Fred. He never takes the costume off.
Mr. F: When do we get to, how do you say, “slam shots”?
 
Panel 1
Alvin: Sweetie, we’re so proud of you... for making it to graduation, and for putting on a spectacular show as always.
Tyler: Of course, Dad.
Panel 2
Alvin: And that was the most realistic Audrey Two puppet I’ve ever seen.
Rachel: Was that what it was? I was gonna say, that’s one ugly kid.
 
Panel 1
Bill: Hello, Audrey. It’s been a while.
Audrey: Yes. Yes it has, Bill.
Panel 2
Bill: I’m recently divorced.
Audrey: Of course you are.
Panel 3
Bill: Wanna make out?
Audrey: I thought you’d never ask.

Graduation Party and Cast Reunion

​Panel 1
Camille: See you at my graduation party tonight, Tyler!
Tyler: Huh?
Panel 2
Camille: Oh wait, I forgot, you're not invited! Hahaha!
Tyler: Pffft. Whatever.
Panel 3
Tyler: My party will kick her party's butt anyway.
Becky: Promise? Cause she did invite me...
 
Panel 1
Rachel: ...and five hundred parfaits. That should do it.
Meg: Sweet lord 'n butter. The little lady sure knows how to throw a shindig.
Panel 2
Meg: But you don't even wanna know the price tag on this, hun.
Rachel: No sweat, I borrowed Alvin's credit card.
Panel 3
(Later)
Tyler: Did you remember the five dozen parfaits, Mom?
Rachel: Yeah, I just need to make a few more trips for them.
 
Panel 1 (and only)
Alvin: Tyler, I’m overjoyed for you to cut loose on this special occasion, but please leave the house still standing when it’s over, okay?
Tyler: Yeah, yeah. How many kegs of Mountain Dew do you think we’ll need?
Mr. F: At least a dozen. This party gon’ be off da hook, fo’ shizzle!
Nadia: Hey, that's my line!
Rachel: You wanted llamas, right, Tyler? Cause I got some.
 
Panel 1
Tyler: Pastor Hartgraves! Glad you could make it!
Pastor Hartgraves: Anything for you, Tyler.
Panel 2
Tyler: Dr. Pitts! Mary! Make yourselves at home!
Dr. Pitts: Good grief, you really do have a Komodo dragon.
Mary: He’s so cute!
Panel 3
Tyler: What are you doing here, Emily? You’re not my friend.
Emily: Bill said I could come if I brought my special brownies, mmkay?
 
Panel 1
Tyler: What's up, doc? Thanks for delivering me!
Dr. Hu: Hey hey hey! The doctor is in!
Panel 2
Dr. Pitts: D'oh! I should have said that.
Mary: There's always the next party.
Panel 3
Dr. Pitts: This is the only one I got invited to.
Mary: Really? I mean me too.
 
Panel 1
Tyler: What the –
People (off-screen): Hi! We’re the –
Panel 2
(Tyler slams the door)
[SLAM!]
Panel 3
(Outside, the former Elders Brighton and Njagi are standing on the porch)
Brighton: We’re not missionaries anymore! We just came to party!
Tyler (behind door): My bad. Come in.
 
Panel 1 (and only)
Tyler: Can I get you guys a soda? Can Mormons drink Dr. Pepper?
Brighton: No.
Njagi: Yes.
Mr. F: Dr. who?
Dr. Hu: Yes?
Emily: Like, that's my favorite show!
 
Panel 1
David: This is it. Tonight’s the night I tell Mary how I feel about her.
Tyler: She’s right over there, Romeo.
Panel 2
David: All right... one more shot of Mountain Dew for courage...
Tyler: Come on, David, what’s the worst that could happen besides total humiliation?
Panel 3
Becky: Should we film this?
Tyler: You’re just awful, Becky. Yes we should.
 
Panel 1
David: H-hi, Mary.
Mary: Oh hey! Uh...
Panel 2
[Silence]
Panel 3
David: Right then.
Mary: Don’t tell me... all right, what letter does it start with?
 
Panel 1
David: Listen, Mary, uh, I want to tell you something that I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time... see, I was never really that into science...
Panel 2
David: And the reason I wanted to be a part of Dr. Pitts’ lab in the first place was... uh... well... it was because of love. Because of you.
Panel 3
Mary: I instilled you with a love for science? That just makes my day!
David: Let me start over.
 
Panel 1
David: Mary Sue Hollenbaugh, I’ve been madly in love with you for years.
Panel 2
[Silence]
Panel 3
[Silence]
 
Panel 1
Tyler: Well. That was an interesting turn of events.
Becky: Right?
Zack: Tyler! Sorry I’m late!
Panel 2
Tyler: Hey, perfect timing, Zack. I need a break from the noise right about now. What say we disappear for a few minutes?
Zack: That sounds like a perfect idea to me.
Panel 3
Becky: Well. And then there was one.
Mr. F: Becky Forbes, right? Ever ridden in a spaceship before?
 
Panel 1
Connie: Alvin, it’s probably none of my business, but I thought you’d want to know that I just saw Tyler and Zack sneak upstairs together.
Alvin: Oh no...
Panel 2
(Flustered and angry, Alvin hurries up the stairs)
Panel 3
(Alvin bursts in on Tyler and Zack playing Minecraft)
Tyler: Dad! Ever heard of knocking??
Zack: Right with you, Mr. Cracroft, I’ve just got a few Creepers to deal with.
 
Panel 1
Emily: YOUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS ARE BEYOND YOUR COMMAND, YOUR OLD ROAD IS RAPIDLY AGIN’...
Tyler: A karaoke machine? What the crap, Dad?
Alvin: I thought it would be fun!
Panel 2
Emily: PLEASE GET OUT OF THE NEW ONE IF YOU CAN’T LEND YOUR HAND, FOR THE TIMES THEY ARE A-CHAAAAANGIN’!
Tyler: Yes, well, I’m afraid you were wrong.
David: Ooh, a karaoke machine! I want to go next!
Panel 3
David: MAN! I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!
Tyler: I’m getting my air rifle.
 
Panel 1 (and only)
Alvin: It’s times like this that I get a real sense of perspective on what a normal, boring family we are and what a normal, boring community we live in.
Rachel (petting Steve): And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Dr. Pitts (to Ivan): Yes, real live dinosaurs.
Ivan: That’s nothing! I used to ride one to school! Ha! Ha! Heh...
Audrey: More fondue, Mr. Audrey, sir?
Audrey Three: Feed me!
Emily (to Mr. F): So you’re, like, a real Star Child! Far out!
Mr. F: Well, I’m not really from “space” per se, just another planet like yours.
 
Panel 1
(Steve is outside with the llamas)
Steve: Sniff sniff
Panel 2
Velociraptor: Chirp!
Steve: Hiss!
Panel 3
(A heart appears in the air between them)
 
Panel 1
Tyler: This has been the greatest night of my life, Zack, and there's only one thing left to make it complete.
Zack: Er...
Panel 2
Woman (on phone): Blue Haven Police Department, Laura speaking.
Tyler: Yes, I'd like to report several cases of underage drinking at the Swenson household, 366 Morgan Drive.
Panel 3
Zack: How did you...
Tyler: Call it an educated guess.
 
Panel 1 (and only)
Rachel: Thanks again for the llamas, Farmer Jones, and here's a little extra for the one Steve ate.
Farmer Jones: I already included that in the rental fee, Mrs. Cracroft.

Off to USU

​Panel 1
Pastor Hartgraves: Tyler, before you go off to college I want to warn you against succumbing to the evils of the world.
Panel 2
Pastor Hartgraves: Some of your atheist professors will be very persuasive. They may convince you to accept homosexuality, abortion, transgenderism, and even evolution.
Panel 3
Pastor Hartgraves: And if you have Mormon professors... even worse.
Tyler: I’ll keep my guard up.
 
Panel 1
Tyler: Steve, you’re forty-two. No Komodo dragon has ever been known to live this long. I’m so grateful you’ve been here for my entire life.
Panel 2
Tyler: I don’t know how long our luck will hold out. You might not be here when I come home to visit. This might be my last time speaking to you. So...
Panel 3
(Tyler embraces him)
Tyler: Goodbye, my friend.
 
Panel 1
(In the driveway with Diana)
Tyler: And if I don’t hear from you at least every other day, I’ll come back here and kick your trash.
Zack: Sure thing.
Panel 2
Tyler: And if I hear about you messing around with other girls, I’ll have my dad grind you up into dragon meat.
Zack: Gotcha.
Panel 3
Tyler (hugging him): Oh, Zack, I’m gonna miss your face.
Zack: Yeah. I’ve never heard you so emotional before.
 
Panel 1
Tyler: Bye, Grandpa George.
George: Take care, kiddo.
Panel 2
Tyler: Bye, Grandma Connie.
Connie: Please, please please call me!
Panel 3
Tyler: Bye, Grandpa Ivan.
Ivan: Utah?? What are you smoking, Tyler?
 
Panel 1
Tyler: Bye, Aunt Susan.
Susan: It’s been real, Tyler.
Panel 2
Tyler: Yeah, figures you’d say something lame like that.
Susan: What?
Bill: TC! I brought you a present!
Panel 3
Tyler: Really, Uncle Bill? You shouldn’t have.
Bill: Don't get pulled over while you have it, okay?
 
Panel 1
Tyler: Bye, Grandpa Jordan. Bye, Grandma Trisha.
Trisha: Come on, hug us like you mean it!
Jordan: Oh, Tyler... it seems like you just came into our lives yesterday and now you’ll be gone...
Panel 2
Alvin (off-screen): You don’t realize how blessed you were not to have dealt with her all those years.
Tyler: Real funny, Dad.
 
Panel 1
Tyler: So... Mom, Dad, I guess I owe you for, you know, creating me and stuff.
Alvin: About time you noticed that.
Rachel: And you owe George Lucas! And Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman!
Panel 2
Tyler: Yeah, yeah, TMI. Anyway, thanks, and I guess I’ll be back for Christmas.
Alvin: We always have some crazy adventures around Christmas, don’t we?
Panel 3
Tyler: Take darn good care of Steve for me.
Rachel: Girl, please. I was taking care of him long before you were born.
 
Panel 1
Alvin: It seems like our little baby was born just yesterday... and now here she is set to go off into the world, make a career, start a family of her own...
Panel 2
Alvin: I thought I would be overjoyed for this day, but it’s bittersweet. We’ve had some good times with her. Why can’t she stay young for just a while longer?
Panel 3
Rachel: There’s still time to have another kid.
Alvin: Nah, I’m good.
 
Panel 1
(Alvin and Rachel are sitting on the couch)
Panel 2
(Alvin and Rachel are sitting on the couch)
Panel 3
Rachel: My land, I’m bored.
Alvin: Me too! Isn’t it wonderful?

Rachel's Solo Space Adventure

​Panel 1
Mr. F (outside the window): Psst! Rachel!
Rachel (in bed): Mm?
Panel 2
Mr. F: So sorry to disturb your sleep cycle, but it's an emergency. We need you.
Rachel: I'm happy to help anytime, Mr. F.
Panel 3
Mr. F: Off-topic, but what's that creature Alvin is snuggling with?
Rachel: We call him Mr. Fuzzybottom.
 
Panel 1
Mr. F: Rachel, Tobin is under attack by evil forces from the Killian system. We are no match for their superior technology.
Panel 2
Mr. F: You scored higher on our intelligence test than anyone else in the galaxy. You must deliver us from our aggressors. You are the chosen one.
Panel 3
Rachel: Thanks, but I don't believe in that cliché mumbo-jumbo.
Mr. F: No, really! 57% of Tobinians chose you in a recent poll!
 
Panel 1
Rachel: I'll come, Mr. F, on condition that Steve comes too. We work best as a team.
Mr. F: But of course.
Panel 2
Mr. F: Just please let's not bring Alvin. No offense, but he'll only get in the way.
Rachel: Yeah, I figured as much.
 
Panel 1
(Aboard the flying saucer)
Mr. F: I have noticed your affinity for “Star Wars”, so I made this lightsaber for you.
Rachel: Ooh! This is the happiest moment of my life!
Panel 2
Mr. F: I'm sure I don't need to remind you that because the blade is weightless, this weapon is very difficult to handle and requires caution.
Panel 3
(Rachel has cut off her own hand)
Rachel: You can sew that back on, right?
Mr. F: Of course, Rachel, but this is hardly the time for jokes.
 
Panel 1
Mr. F: There's the invaders' mothership.
Rachel: My land, look at the size of that thing!
Panel 2
Mr. F: I'm going to move in closer and let them capture us. Then you can work your magic.
Rachel: I'll take half the stormtroopers, Steve, and you take the other half.
Panel 3
Rachel: Can Steve have a lightsaber too?
Mr. F: Based on the invaders' physiology, I believe his breath will be a more potent weapon.
 
Panel 1
Alien (over speaker): Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork.
Rachel: What did he say?
Mr. F: He said to pull over or they'll blow us out of the sky. Of course we won't comply, because we've got to make this convincing.
Panel 2
Rachel: Right. SCREW ALL Y'ALL!
Mr. F: Gleeb fogo, binderzunk!
Panel 3
(Exterior view of Mr. F's ship as it veers away from fighters)
Rachel (in ship): What did you say?
Mr. F (in ship): Uh, it's better I don't translate.
 
Panel 1
Mr. F: We've lost the aft plasma destabilization calibrator! Can you do anything with it, Rachel?
Rachel: I've got just the thing.
Panel 2
Mr. F: I knew you wouldn't let me down.
Rachel: Okay, which of these is more applicable here?
(Rachel is holding two books, “The Star Wars Guide to Technobabble” and “The Star Trek Guide to Technobabble”)
 
Panel 1
Mr. F: They've got us in their tractor beam! Time to come up with the plan!
Rachel: Let's ask them nicely to stop invading Tobin.
Panel 2
Mr. F: Ah, your sense of humor under stress is admirable!
Rachel: That was random, but thanks.
Panel 3
Mr. F: Now, I'm thinking I can stay behind you and shout directions as we fight our way to the main reactor, then destroy it and hold the mothership hostage.
Rachel: Can't we ask them nicely to move out of our way?
 
Panel 1
(Within the cavernous bowels of the mothership)
Alien: Mee teesa rodda co pana pee choppa chawa.
Mr. F: He says he'll have to scan us, confiscate our weapons, and imprison us below deck.
Panel 2
Rachel (igniting lightsaber): I have a better idea...
Panel 3
(Rachel holds the lightsaber up so it illuminates her stoic face in a frightening and cool manner)
Rachel: Take me to your leader.
Steve: Hiss.
 
Panel 1 (and only)
Alien: <Boss is right in here... I hope he doesn't eat me for my failure like he did my comrade yesterday.>
Mr. F: Uh, I'll stand guard outside, Rachel.
Rachel: You're a champ, Mr. F.
 
Panel 1
Boss: I conveniently speak English. So, Ray-chull and Steve, you've come to kill me.
Rachel: No, no, I've never killed anyone on purpose. Let's talk over our differences.
Panel 2
Boss: What are you then, like lawyers for the Tobinians?
Rachel: Judas Priest, you're right, I should have invited Mr. Sidarsky!
Panel 3
Boss: Mr. Who?
Rachel: Just call him Mr. S if you can't pronounce it.
 
Panel 1
Boss: It's like this, Ray-chull. My people have run out of tofu burgers. We must take them from Tobin.
Rachel: Oh! Why didn't you just say so? I'm afraid Tobin doesn't have enough tofu burgers left to be worth your while.
Panel 2
Boss: No? That's what they claimed, but...
Rachel: No, look, if you want tofu burgers, Earth is the place to go. Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha.
Panel 3
Boss: Earth... good to know.
Rachel: Here's an idea though, why not ask nicely?
 
Panel 1
Alvin (thinking): Hmm... Rachel's gone... she must be out for a jog.
Panel 2
Alvin (thinking): I hope she doesn't get lost. And I hope she remembered to put clothes on this time. She's been better about that lately, but...
Panel 3
(Aboard the mothership)
Alien 1: <Gratz! You beamed her down to the wrong continent!>
Alien 2 (staring at pile of Rachel's clothes): <Uh, that's not the only problem.>
 
Panel 1
Alvin: Morning, Steve. You seen Rachel?
Steve: Hiss!
Panel 2
Alvin: She hasn't fed you yet? That's not a good sign. I'm not going to like what I see if I turn on the television, am I?
Panel 3
Bryan (on TV): A nude American tourist has somehow disrupted peace talks in Kitarostan...
Alvin: Hooboy. Hope my passport is up-to-date.
 
Panel 1 (and only)
(In the foreground is a sign reading “Welcome to Blue Haven / Population 34,742 / Established 1802 / A Nice Place to Come Home To”, and a statue with the plaque “Joseph Middlebrook 1778-1845”. Beyond it we see a winding sidewalk and beside it, a rear view of a somewhat older couple – whom we now recognize as Rachel and Alvin – on a park bench with a Komodo dragon – whom we now recognize as Steve – snuggling with a Velociraptor at their feet, admiring a beautiful Southern suburb.)

Epilogue - Thirty Years Later

I added this part after my heart was broken in 2019, but I never finished it.

Panel 1
Alvin (as narrator): After Tyler left home, it seemed like I blinked and thirty years went by. And yet it seemed at the same time like I had been with my beloved wife forever.
Panel 2
Alvin (as narrator): Of course she aged just like I did, albeit a bit more gracefully. Wrinkles, grey hair, weight gain, the whole deal. But she remained as beautiful to me as the first day I laid eyes on her.
Panel 3
Alvin (as narrator): She went senile too, but I honestly couldn't tell the difference.
Rachel: Pardon me, sir, what are you doing in my house?
Alvin (thinking): Aw, just like our wedding night.
 
Panel 1
Alvin (as narrator): Of course my nostalgia only got worse, Tyler's mockery notwithstanding. I never stopped preferring music from the eighties and nineties. I made an exception for Bollywood though.
Panel 2
Alvin (as narrator): Old friends and older family members passed on. The landmarks of Blue Haven changed around us. I accepted long ago that this would happen.
Panel 3
Alvin (as narrator): And yet, I never expected the cause to be a zombie apocalypse.
Rachel: Didn't everyone expect a zombie apocalypse?
Alvin: It was more wishful thinking.
 
Panel 1
Alvin (as narrator): Yes, zombies had overrun the world, and my house was one of the few buildings left standing in this region. But for how long?
Panel 2
Alvin (as narrator): Oh, and lest I forget. These were no ordinary zombies. These were no human zombies. The plot twist that definitely no one expected...
Panel 3
Alvin (as narrator): ...is that these zombies were dinosaurs.
Rachel (looking out window): That big mutant rhinoceros knocked over our car, Alvin.
Alvin: Ah, brings back repressed memories of parenthood.
 
Panel 1
Alvin (as narrator): We had little contact with the outside world. No internet, no cell service, and Nadia hadn't brought us mail in weeks.
Alvin (looking out window): She's got to be out there. “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor zombie dinosaur apocalypses...” or something like that.
Panel 2
Alvin (as narrator): We got out a distress signal to Mr. F, but his people wouldn't get involved. He was coming on his own in the slim hope that he could do something for us.
Rachel: You told him to bring floogwjagf, right?
Alvin: I would have if I could pronounce it.
Panel 3
Alvin (as narrator): The military and law enforcement had collapsed. It was every man for himself.
Rachel: Judas Priest, this is like Black Friday every day.
Alvin: Except the dinosaurs are more civil.
 
Panel 1
Alvin (as narrator): Bill and Audrey lost their home, but they were still alive and, even more miraculously, still together.
Bill: Hey, Al, can we crash here for a few days?
Audrey: I brought granola bars and ammo.
Panel 2
Alvin (as narrator): Rachel and I were already stretched thin, but I couldn't turn away family. Besides, we survivors needed to stick together.
Alvin: This is just until the apocalypse is over, okay?
Bill: Sure thing, Al.
Audrey: You won't even know we're here.
Panel 3
Alvin (as narrator): I almost immediately regretted my decision.
Bill: Al, help a brother out. My idiot wife thinks zombie Spinosaurus would beat zombie T. rex in a fight.
Audrey: Do you want to sleep on the other couch tonight, Bill?
 
Panel 1
Alvin (as narrator): Susan arrived the next day with her orchid, Chanticleer.
Susan: He's the sole survivor... a herd of Stegosauri took almost everything I had. I only managed to grab this guy and avoid getting trampled.
Alvin: I'm so sorry, Susan... we don't really have plant food or anything, but...
Panel 2
Susan: We're not beaten. Chanticleer and I will come back from this, and we will rise up, and we will avenge our fallen brothers and sisters. We'll get those damned herbivores if it's the last thing we do.
Panel 3
Alvin: No offense, Susan, but herbivores aren't the main concern for the rest of us.
Susan: Nice moat and booby traps. Mind if I add poisoned salt licks?
 
Panel 1
Alvin (as narrator): A few stragglers took refuge in our home as well. Mary, er, Dr. Hollenbaugh, worked tirelessly on a way to counter the menace outside.
Mary: You can't prove these dinosaurs had anything to do with me, Mr. Cracroft.
Alvin: Mary, you're an inspired scientist, but you're a terrible liar.
Panel 2
Alvin (as narrator): Dr. Pitts' brain in a jar, long since demoted to her assistant, offered whatever services he could.
Dr. Pitts: For the last time, I am not a hat rack!
Rachel: But you look so cute, Dr. Pitts!
Panel 3
Alvin (as narrator): And Meg the waitress did her thing.
Meg (firing two machine guns): GUESS WHAT'S ON THE MENU? THAT'S RIGHT! EAT LEAD, YOU UNDEAD PREHISTORIC FREAKS!
[RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT!]
Alvin: Meg, could you practice more quietly?
 
Panel 1
Alvin (as narrator): Tyler and Becky were the last to arrive. My heart swelled to see them alive and well. Mary had told me David was gone, but only now did I get the full story.
Becky: Eaten by Troodons.
Tyler: Screamed like a little girl.
Panel 2
Alvin (as narrator): We didn't need another biologist at the moment, so they tried to keep our morale up with a Purple Stars reunion show.
Alvin: You took the time to pack your guitars? Instead of, oh I don't know, food?
Tyler: I'd rather die of starvation than boredom, Dad.
Panel 3
Alvin (as narrator): Still, with their lineup reduced to two, their hearts just weren't in it.
Tyler: Come on, zombie dinosaurs should be the perfect muse for our music!
Becky: Maybe if they were cyborgs too...
 
Panel 1
Alvin (as narrator): Though she maintained her usual flippancy, I knew Tyler was disturbed to see how few of us remained. And though it was hard, we discussed the others to give her closure.
Tyler: Emily?
Alvin: Carcharadontosaurus.
Panel 2
Tyler: Oof.
Alvin: She didn't notice it coming. She didn't notice us shouting and waving our arms at her. She didn't even scream when it scarfed her down in two bites.
Panel 3
Alvin: Then it stumbled around a bit, made some weird noises, and took a nap.
Tyler: I'm sorry, but that's awesome.
 
Panel 1
Alvin (as narrator): I'd been strong for Rachel, but now, in front of Tyler, I started to break.
Alvin: I just don't know anymore, sweetie... you expect loss at this age, but... I mean...
Tyler (patting his shoulder): Hey, Dad, it's not all bad... you remember Camille Swenson? You'll never believe this, but I was driving behind her. A Diplodocus was blocking the road. She got out of her car and kicked it.
Panel 2
Alvin: Oh... and?
Tyler: Let's just say “Instant Crush” is more than an underrated Daft Punk song.
Panel 3
Tyler: You see, Dad, even in the worst of times, God gives us tender mercies.
Alvin: I barely knew her, Tyler.
 
Panel 1
Alvin (as narrator): With everyone settled, we took stock of supplies and weapons.
Tyler: Look what I found, Dad. My Red Ryder Carbine Action 200-shot Range Model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time.
Panel 2
Alvin: What good will that do?
Tyler: At least I can shoot their eyes out.
 
Panel 1
Alvin (as narrator): We could have shunned Mary, er, Dr. Hollenbaugh, and to a lesser extent Dr. Pitts, for getting us into this mess. But they were the only ones who could get us out of it.
Mary: Your attention please. According to my calculations, the zombie dinosaur activity is centered around a queen – probably something cool like a Tyrannosaurus rex – in the vicinity of Costa Rica.
Panel 2
Alvin: A queen? Controlling all of them? What, are they part alien now?
Mary: Of course not! That would be ridiculous!
Panel 3
Alvin: Right, that would be ridiculous.
Mary: But if something weird latches onto your face, I'd recommend killing yourself.
 
Panel 1
Alvin (as narrator): I stopped interrupting and listened intently to Mary's plan.
Mary: The good news is I've developed an antidote to the zombie virus. If we inject it into the queen, it should spread to all the dinosaurs and “deactivate” them.
Panel 2
Mary: The bad news is that the most effective vector for this antidote is Komodo dragon saliva, and even if they weren't extinct, there's no way we could get to Komodo and then to Costa Rica in time.
Panel 3
Mary: Now if only there were, say, a Komodo dragon buried in the backyard, I could make a zombie out of it...
Alvin: Ew.
Rachel and Tyler: Cool! Zombie Steve!
 
Panel 1
Alvin (as narrator): I didn't like it. I considered it sacrilegious to dig up our old friend and desecrate his body like this. But there was no time to come up with another option.
Mary: Right, I'm gonna need five meters of coaxial cable, a Betamax player, a USB cord, three television aerials, and a live chicken.
Panel 2
Alvin (as narrator): Before we could even start on the real quest to face the zombie dinosaur queen, there would be another mission that could just as easily prove fatal.
Mary: So if someone could collect all that while Dr. Pitts and I exhume and prepare the cadaver, that would be great.
Panel 3
Alvin (as narrator): And though this wasn't exactly the moment I envisioned my whole life leading up to, I knew in a moment what I had to do.
Alvin: I'll go. I've lived a full life.
Mary: Thanks, Mr. Cracroft. I didn't want to be awkward by singling you out.
 
Panel 1
Rachel (grabbing Alvin's hand): I'm coming with you, Alvin!
Alvin: What? No! You can't!
Panel 2
Tyler (grabbing Alvin's other hand): You can't get rid of me that easily, Dad!
Alvin: What? Sweetie, you – oh, there's no point arguing with you, is there?
Panel 3
Alvin (as narrator): I should have insisted harder, but I was old and weak, and I wanted my family with me.
Bill (grabbing Tyler's hand): Cracroft road trip! Woot woot! Leave the plant here, Susan.
Susan (grabbing Bill's hand): Over my dead body, Bill.
Dr. Pitts: Oh darn, I'd love to come, but I left my body in my other pants.
 
Panel 1
Alvin (as narrator): Our friends watched us go with heavy hearts.
Meg: Heh, looks like we got rid of the brat and the useless old people.
Panel 2
Becky: The brat is my best friend, and you're older than any of them.
Meg (pulling out machine guns): I said useless old people. Get a load of this.
 
Panel 1
Alvin (as narrator): Audrey would have liked to come too, but there wasn't room in Tyler's car.
Bill: Don't worry, Oddball. I'll be fine.
Audrey (holding him): And if you're not? Who's left to honor my life insurance policy?
Panel 2
Alvin (as narrator): Speaking of prehistoric things, Tyler was defying all laws of reason and physics by still driving Diana.
Alvin (getting into driver's seat): I guess I'd rather explode than be eaten or trampled.
Rachel (in passenger's seat): I mean, in Star Wars it doesn't look like exploding even hurts much.
Panel 3
Tyler: For your information, Diana got me and Becky here without incident. None of the dinosaurs will attack her.
Alvin: Even the stupidest dinosaur won't eat something that looks like it's got twelve diseases.
 
Panel 1
Alvin (as narrator): We got the coaxial cable without too much trouble, but as I returned to the car with the Betamax player, I found myself being chased by some irate Velociraptors.
Alvin (thinking): They look like big skinny chickens, but they've still got a nasty bite to them.
Panel 2
Alvin (as narrator): Back at the car, my beloved wife cheered me on.
Rachel (singing): Give me a Mesozoic mind, / Bring me away from all mankind! / You can keep your Cenozoic, / But I'll take that Mesozoic! / Give me a Mesozoic mind!
Panel 3
Tyler: Mom, are you going to sing every time we see dinosaurs?
Rachel: What dinosaurs?
 
Panel 1
Alvin (as narrator): As I fled, time seemed to slow, and I waxed philosophical. Perhaps these dinosaurs were an allegory for trying too hard to revive the past at the expense of the present.
Panel 2
Alvin (as narrator): Whether millions of years or mere decades ago, the past is gone for a reason. That is the way of things. And perhaps pining after it, romanticizing it, is more danger than it's worth.
Panel 3
Alvin (as narrator): Perhaps the real dinosaur... was me.
Bill: Al seems pretty serene about getting nibbled to death.
Tyler (aiming air rifle): He knows I got this.
 
Panel 1
Velociraptor (off-screen): YIP!
Tyler: I got one!
Rachel: Aw, its friends are gathering around to help it!
Panel 2
[Awkward silence]
Panel 3
Bill: Just like “Galaxy Quest”.
Tyler: The R-rated version.
Rachel: Why are they giving mouth-to-mouth all over its body?
 
 
Music hath charms to soothe the savage beast