My Weird Eighties Movie Idea

2/2/2025

Right when I had started to do okay financially for the first time in my life - I say "okay," not "well," because I still had no chance of ever owning a home or retiring - the cost of everything in my country is about to skyrocket because the undocumented immigrants who pick our food are scared to go to work and the orange taint has put tariffs on our biggest trade partners. I take a lot of comfort in knowing that the morons who voted for this because they thought the orange taint would only hurt other people are going to suffer as much as I am, sometimes more. I have no patience or empathy left for them. If someone sets fire to the neighborhood to get warm, I'm not going to cry when her house burns down.

But here's something totally random and apolitical to lighten the mood. Sometimes I make movies in my head to entertain myself instead of interacting with people. They're not very effective because I'm not a very visual thinker, but if I live long enough, I'll be able to make them real with AI. Then I'll have to keep them to myself so I don't get sued for a bunch of stuff, but I'm not in it for the money anyway. I bring this up because I was clearing out my Downloads folder in a probably vain attempt to make my computer less crappy, and I found these pictures I made with AI to go with my favorite movie idea, and I decided to share because they're random and apolitical. I don't use image generators much anymore because they're bad for the environment. I hope that gets resolved by the time movie generators are a thing.

Synopsis (also partially AI-generated because I was lazy):

The movie is set in the eighties because everyone loves eighties nostalgia, and it's set in California because all eighties movies are set in California. It's a celebration of metal music and a satire of the Satanic panic that takes some inspiration from the eighties cult classics "Trick or Treat" and "The Gate." Emma Forbes (Kiernan Shipka) is a shy, nerdy, clumsy high school girl with a passion for anime and metal. She hides her true self and tries to act "normal." The movie opens with her performing "Cum On Feel the Noize" at a crowded concert. For some reason, I've long thought that would be a perfect movie opening. The screen is black, she yells "Baby baby baaaby!" Then the guitar kicks in as the studio logos appear, and then the opening credits play over the crowd rocking out. Perfection. Of course, it's just a dream, and her alarm wakes her up, and she's late for school. Womp womp.

She has a crush on Jake Rodriguez (Noah Centineo), but she's too shy to talk to him. Principal Victoria Harding (Sandra Bullock), a strong believer in discipline and order, rules the school with an iron fist wrapped in a velvet glove. Tiffany Wong (Chloe Bennet) is the school's reigning queen bee whose sharp tongue and icy stare could freeze the sun in its tracks. She wields her popularity like a weapon, using it to maintain her social dominance and strike fear into the hearts of those who dare to oppose her, particularly the "unconventional" Emma. Her entourage consists of two equally vindictive sidekicks who are as devoted to Tiffany's cruel cause as they are to their matching pink backpacks and designer sneakers. Brittany Hart (Sydney Sweeney) is the sly strategist, always whispering sweet nothings of spite into Tiffany's ear, while Hailey Castellanos (Madison Beer) is the brash enforcer, never one to shy away from a confrontation.

One day, following the strains of Black Sabbath, Emma enters an abandoned house and finds a demon named Azazel (voiced by John Mulaney), sort of an evil version of Robin Williams' genie, who promises to give her power to fulfill her dreams. With his help, Emma starts gaining confidence and standing up for herself. She gets into an escalating prank war with Tiffany. She starts a metal band with some other students. When Principal Harding hears them practicing, she comes out of the closet as a metalhead and asks them to perform at the Halloween dance. They're thrilled, but Azazel grows more powerful the more Emma plays, and her personality starts to change.

Tiffany goes to the dance with Jake just to make Emma jealous, but Jake secretly overhears her telling her friends that she's using him and doesn't care about him. Now, eager to get revenge for Emma's pranks, she's attempting to sabotage the band's performance out of spite. She sneaks backstage with Brittany and Hailey, trying to mess with their equipment. Emma, discovering Tiffany's meddling, confronts her. The tension rises as they argue, their conflict as jarring as the discordant strains of metal music that Emma adores.

Azazel takes over Emma completely. In a surprising twist, Emma drags Tiffany on stage by the ear and exposes her attempted sabotage to everyone. The crowd, initially shocked, starts to cheer for Emma. Brittany, ever the strategist, attempts to sweet talk her way out of trouble, offering to help Emma and become her new best friend. But Emma sees through her deceit, recognizing the venom behind the smile. With a flick of her hand, she sends a burst of demonic energy that knocks Brittany off her feet, her perfectly curled hair now a mess of tangles. Panicking, Hailey charges at Emma, but her brashness is no match for the supernatural forces at play. Emma catches her in mid-air and slams her to the ground.

Then Azazel does some bad stuff, and everyone, including Tiffany because I want everyone to have a happy ending, has to team up to defeat him in the final showdown, but I haven't figured that part out yet. And of course there will be lots of eighties metal and hard rock music in the soundtrack. "Living After Midnight," "Crazy Train," "It's Inevitable," "Heart of Steel," etc.

Sandra Bullock as Principal Victoria Harding

Chloe Bennet as Tiffany Wong

Kiernan Shipka as Emma Forbes

These are the pictures that I actually wanted to share. I don't know why, but Kiernan Shipka looks perfect as both a cute nerd and a hardcore guitarist. It's a crime against humanity that this movie doesn't exist.