Missing Purple Patten in the Park

Previous post for context

I am no longer withholding the purple-haired girl's identity because she turned out to be a public figure and small business owner, and I don't care if she finds out that I think she's hot. Her name is Amber. Like I said, she looks like an Amber and could only ever have been an Amber. She told me she would start speaking on the hill in Liberty Park every Saturday at one, so last week and this week, I went there and waited. Well, last week I was already at the park for an event to commemorate John Lewis, but this week I went there for one purpose alone. She didn't show. It was fine because last week I befriended an unusually brave squirrel, and this week I heard a guy playing cool music on a weird instrument. But she didn't show at the Sunday drum circle these past two weeks either, so I couldn't ask her what the hell.

I'm moving in a few days and will find it more difficult to get to the park, but I was so confident that I met her for a reason and couldn't let it end here that, without any help from drugs, I worked up the courage to ask someone about her even though he might think I was a stalker. I told myself I could live with someone thinking I was a stalker. Wouldn't be the first time. I'd seen this guy hanging out with her, looking like a shaman in his own right, and assumed they were close. It turns out he's only met her the same number of times I have, but he had her business card and let me look at it. Sometimes life is so confusing, and then sometimes things just fall into place!

As soon as I saw it, I was like, yeaaah... I don't believe the kind of stuff she believes, and I shouldn't pretend I do just because I think she's hot, even though that's the most logical course of action. But that doesn't mean I should be entirely close-minded and think she can't teach me anything, right? On an unrelated note, when this guy learned my name, he asked how old I was, then explained that when he was in third grade, a psychotic classmate named Christopher stabbed him in the hand with a pencil and the lead broke off inside. I did stab a classmate with a pencil once, but we were older, I didn't stab him that hard, and it was because he was harassing a girl, and when he told the teacher, she laughed at him. True story.

Amber Lynn Patten's website didn't work. I looked around her socials, and I found another web address that didn't work and one that did, but then the link to schedule a magic consultation didn't work. I saw something about reading auras, which reminded me of my delusional pathological liar neighbor who told me she could read auras, but that's whatever. I found a Facebook post about me. It also has pictures of her sitting in a tree, which I won't reproduce here because I'm more conscientious about photographers' and artists' copyrights than I was in my early days of blogging. Here's her side of part of the story that I told about her:

​Last Sunday at Liberty Park, someone asked me, "Do you give sermons?"

It caught me off guard. I smiled and replied, "Not sermons. I enjoy talking about spirituality, consciousness, and the metaphysical. People just seem to gather, and we end up having meaningful conversations."
​
That question stayed with me.

I've realized I don't want to preach or tell anyone what to believe. I want to create a space where people can come together to ask questions, share experiences, challenge ideas respectfully, and learn from one another.

Whether you've stepped away from organized religion and are searching for genuine community, you're simply curious about spirituality and want to explore different perspectives, you're skeptical but open-minded, or you've been walking your own spiritual path for years, you are welcome here.

Everyone has a voice. No one has all the answers. The goal isn't to convince anyone of anything—it's to create thoughtful conversations where we can all grow.

Join us every Saturday at Liberty Park.

Location: The gazebo by the pond.

Bring a chair or blanket if you'd like, an open mind, and whatever perspective you have to share. I look forward to meeting you.

She left out the part where she drugged me without my consent. Interesting. Jokes aside, since nothing bad happened to me, I decided it was hot that she did that, so maybe I'm a douche or something.

Anyway, I asked her about sermons because I thought she'd said she gave sermons, but in fairness, I was high at the time I thought she said that. I wasn't high when she said that she would give these "sermons" on the hill, which is very close to the gazebo by the pond but is not the same place. Also, I notice that in this post, she didn't say what time she'd be there. On the plus side, I guess she doesn't have the planning skills to be a cult leader.

"Skeptical but open-minded." Did you notice that phrase? I did, because I've used it to describe myself, and I didn't tell her that, so it's obviously a sign. No, but really. I'm skeptical because I don't believe in any of the magic stuff I read about on her pages, but I'm open-minded because I will believe in them if she gives me sufficient evidence. Not that I intend to challenge or argue with her, but I will ask and listen. I really don't care what people believe as long as they live by good values. Amber sells stuff, so maybe she's a grifter, but I'll reserve judgment on that point. I can imagine Mormons reading this and being all like "Yeah, bro, that's obvious priestcraft, and that's why women can't hold the priesthood" and then continuing to pay ten percent of their income and countless hours of free labor to a church that has hundreds of billions of dollars and tried really hard to keep people from knowing it.

I called the number on her business card, and she didn't answer, but at least it worked. So I texted her, and she hasn't responded yet, so I don't have anything juicy to share. Not that I intend, in the event of us having serious conversations about spirituality, consciousness, and the metaphysical, to share every word she writes or says, but I had to at least follow up on my previous post. Again, I'm not violating her privacy, I'm giving her free publicity. Not that she needs it from my woefully obscure little blog.

On an entirely unrelated note, on my way out of the park this evening, I encountered a friendly guy whom I had a little trouble understanding because English was his second language, but in the course of our interaction he asked me if I like men and invited me to go drink beer with him and then he'd suck my dick. The language barrier compounded my natural awkwardness and reluctance to emphatically say no to people. He asked questions about the shape and size of my dick. Oh, sir, it's very small, ridiculously small, much too small for you to bother with. I extricated myself from that by saying I needed to go home and get some work done. I should've just said, "I can't, I'm Mormon." He gave me a fist bump and never stopped smiling, which assuaged my guilt about rejecting him. It reminded me of the time as a kid when I was in the hayloft with an older (but still minor) cousin, and he whipped his out and told me he'd send me money when he got home if I sucked it, and I didn't think about it or realize how fucked up it was until years later. My family has issues, y'all. I still judge my cousin a hell of a lot less for that than for supporting Trump.

I confirmed from Amber's socials that she doesn't support Trump, but I would have bet my life on that anyway. And like I said, her values are more important than her beliefs. I know I can learn from her even if her beliefs are bullshit. (I said "if." Open-minded.)