I'm over my head cold! Now I just have the usual cough that I've had off and on since March 2014. Yes, I saw a doctor. He said it was nothing to worry about, just inflammation. He gave me medicine that tasted like motor oil. I had to drink it every day. It didn't do jack for me. I stopped worrying about it. It's just part of my life now. I may as well have smoked.

I went to a wedding reception on Wednesday. It was for me and my beautiful new bride, Felicity Nicholson (nee Jones). You may be familiar with her. She was recently in a moderately successful film in a moderately popular franchise. She'll probably keep using her maiden name for publicity purposes. There is a bit of an age difference, but when you're in love that's just a number. And I made all that up except for the wedding reception part. It was for a friend from church. I know him a little bit and his new wife not at all. I think the reception was the first time I ever spoke to her, but what do I know? People say "Hi Chris" to me and I don't even recognize their faces, so I'm not a reliable source on that. He said to her "Do you know Chris?" and she was like "Yeah, we've met" so maybe that's a more accurate statement.

As I was riding back, the two people in the front seats discussed marriage and how they aren't super into it. I was shocked. Of course, I noticed long ago that most of the Mormons at church don't seem to be nearly as obsessed with marriage as Mormons are stereotypically supposed to be. Watching "The Singles Ward" didn't make me think "Wow, this is so relatable!", it made me think "Wow, Provo Mormons are freaks." (No offense, Provo Mormons.) But I thought I was the only one who didn't have any particular desire for it. Let me be clear. Sometimes I find a really incredible woman whose company I prefer to being alone and I think that sure, I'd like to marry her. But the concept of marriage per se, with no particular candidate in mind, holds very little appeal for me. I'm certainly not motivated to spend one iota of effort looking for such a candidate. I would want to get married because of a woman, not vice-versa. And I guess I'm not as unusual in that as I thought. But I'm not "anti-marriage" as someone once insinuated. Marriage is anti-me.

I didn't participate much in their conversation because I have difficulty inserting my comments in conversations with more than one other person. People don't usually pause at all between remarks, so I can't say anything without cutting someone off, and I'd feel guilty about that. So I mostly just listened. It was good stuff. "Most guys," the girl said to the guy, "I'm not saying you, but most guys only care about three things in a girl. Do I want to have sex with her, is she fairly righteous - she says she wants a temple marriage, and does she agree with and validate everything I say?" I only care about one of those things. I must be really exceptional. She also expressed her appreciation that she doesn't have to pretend to be stupid around her current boyfriend. She said lots of guys are intimidated by intelligence. That's understandable, but the alternative is worse. Talking to stupid people saps my will to live. But other guys are into that? Whatever.

She noticed me typing on my laptop and said, "I assume you're doing homework." And I had to admit that I was actually writing comics.

Remember those comics that I wrote but never drew? (See the post category entitled "The Cracrofts".) I started writing them again, but after I cranked out at least fifty on Saturday and realized it would take much much longer to draw the same number, they may never get drawn after all. We'll see. In coming weeks I may share several more like I did last year, which conveniently saves me having to write much in the posts, but here are just a couple for now. Of course, I try to share the ones I'm actually proud of, and there are others that range from mediocre to downright lame. Sometimes I get too focused on moving a story along or preaching my viewpoints and sacrifice actual humor in the process (insert your own quip about me always doing that here). Also, I changed the title from "The Cracrofts" to "Alvin and the Cracrofts" as a chipmunk homage.

There have been a few other changes. It's become more "cartoony" overall as its world now canonically includes not just aliens and cloned dinosaurs but also ghosts and Santa Claus. This is largely because at the end of every year (the comic takes place in real time from 2004 to 2024) I wanted to have a different Christmas parody/homage - I posted the first one, "The Gift of the Magi", last year - and these more often than not have fantasy elements. With her having encountered all these things, Tyler's atheism became less plausible and she's been downgraded to an agnostic. One line I will never cross is having characters break the fourth wall, but they come dangerously close by recognizing the tropes at play around them.

But tropes are our friend. I changed the backstory so that Rachel acquired her pet Komodo dragon, Steve, at age five instead of twenty-four. I thought it made a much better story for her to grow up with him and form a lifelong bond and face the world together. But then I realized that made him too old and he would have to die during the comic's timeframe, because Komodo dragons only live up to thirty years in captivity. I tried to think of a way around this - perhaps yet another fantasy element like the Holy Grail or the Fountain of Youth. But in the end I decided, instead of resolving it, to just "hang a lampshade on it". This is the trope whereby writers draw attention to the implausibility of something without actually explaining it, to make the audience okay with it. This usually works because implausible things do happen in real life, but not without drawing attention. So I just have characters occasionally remark on Steve's incredible longevity a few times over the years. This had the unfortunate side effect of creating one of the least cynical moments I've ever written.

Panel 1
Alvin: Speaking of longevity... Steve's been around forty years, which is ten years longer than most Komodo dragons in captivity. That's just as amazing.
Panel 2
Rachel: Well, most Komodo dragons in captivity have never received as much love as ours.
Alvin: …
Panel 3
(They silently watch Tyler playing with Steve)

To compensate for that emotion, here's a more autobiographical one. The name of the company involved has NOT been changed.

Panel 1
Alvin: #@$%! CenturyLink should be embarrassed to charge money for this #@$% wi-fi service.
Panel 2
Alvin: It should not take me eight #@$% minutes to load a five second long gif. There's no excuse for this #@$%. Screw this abomination of a company.
Panel 3
Alvin: Sorry about that, Rachel. I'm just stressed.
Rachel: And you're trying to relax by staring at a blank white webpage?

I don't think I shared this one yet. If I did, it's worth sharing again. If I had to pick only one strip to get drawn, this would probably be it. My sister thought it was gross, but what does she know?

Panel 1
Alvin: Playing with your dolls, sweetie?
Tyler: No duh.
Panel 2
Alvin: What's Barbie doing today?
Tyler: Removing Ken's head with a meat cleaver.
Panel 3
Alvin: That's... not very nice.
Tyler: If she's told him once to get his dirty underwear off the floor, she's told him a thousand times.

This is another one that I'm very pleased with and don't think I've shared. Mary is a college student interning with a high school biology teacher, and Tyler and David are her helpers.

Panel 1
Tyler: Hello, Mary. Up to any fun projects lately?
Mary: I've been testing a new perfume that simulates pheromones more thoroughly than anything before. It should be super effective.
Panel 2
Tyler: Oh, are you testing it on yourself?
Mary: Ha! Not yet. It's not in the stage where it can be used on humans.
Panel 3
Mary: That's a side project, though. We've got some real work to do today.
Tyler: Right. David?
David (off-screen): Just a minute. Have you ever noticed how cute these lab mice are?

I finally put one of my favorite ideas ever into writing. It was a stand-alone idea featuring Katy Perry herself, but I figured it still works without her so I added it to this franchise:

Panel 1
Alvin: Why so happy, Rachel?
Rachel: I almost ran over a bushy-tailed rodent. I swerved just in time, and I was so relieved that I got a feeling of intense euphoria.
Panel 2
Alvin: So what you're saying is –
Rachel: Right. I missed a squirrel and I liked it.

One of my very first ideas when I decided I wanted to write comics is never going to be used because it doesn't fit how the characters ended up. So this will probably be the only place you'll ever see it. Feel privileged!

Panel 1
(A bunch of people are being held hostage in a bank)
Criminal: All right, everybody stay down and be quiet!
Alvin: Please, sir... I have a wife and seven kids at home.
Panel 2
Criminal: Are you asking me to let you go?
Alvin: I'm asking you to shoot me.

Aaand a sneak peek at a new character! I figured Tyler needs authority figures to drive crazy at school as well as home. But don't worry, the new character will dish it out as well as she takes it.

​Panel 1
Bill: Tyler, Al tells me you talk to your principal a lot. She's quite a looker. Do you know if she's single?
Tyler: Yeah, I think so.
Panel 2
Bill: Excellent.
Tyler: With all due respect, Uncle Bill, Principal Donaldson is a fine, classy lady. She deserves better than your nonsense.
Panel 3
Bill: Oh.
Tyler: But since I hate her guts, I'd be happy to arrange it.

^ Inspired by Erica, a really classy and attractive barber I went to as a kid. More than once I heard my dad say that it blew his mind that she was still single, and that he wanted to set her up with one of his friends but none of them were worthy of her.

Me: I found a book to help me with you.
Her: Do you have a marker?

She thinks she's so funny. You know, I do think it's funny how she threatens physical violence against me while I would never dream of doing the same to her. I understand why this double standard exists and I'm okay with it. I have joked about hurting her on accident. One time she was inside a box to cut it up and I was like, "Who left this box laying around here? I'd better flatten it. I'd better stomp on it to make it flat." She, by contrast, has threatened to stomp on me on purpose. Specifically on my throat.

I shared cartoons a few times and then just stopped but now for some reason this cartoon has been on my brain lately. It's one of my favorite Popeye cartoons because it's just cute and breaks away from the usual plot formula. Olive sassing Popeye by mimicking his unique speech pattern under her breath is priceless too imho. Ignore the one teensy little racist part. After I looked this up, I kept looking and accidentally stayed up way past my bedtime watching Looney Tunes/Merry Melodies ("Pigs in a Polka", "Robinson Crusoe Jr.", "Ali Baba Bound", "Porky's Railroad", "We, the Animals Squeak!", "The Henpecked Duck", and "The Coy Decoy", in case you were wondering).

Naturally, the first order of business is to express my grief at the untimely death of Carrie Fisher, age 60. Why do we treat celebrity deaths as such a big deal? Frankly, because they are, especially this one. With her timeless portrayal of the not-so-distressed damsel in one of the most successful franchises of all time, Carrie Fisher has touched probably billions of lives, certainly more than I ever could hope to even if my wildest dreams of writing success come to fruition. Now there's no need to make up a bunch of sentimental pretentious filler here. Suffice it to say that I love Star Wars and I love Princess Leia Skywalker Organa Solo. Of course the question now is what they'll do with Episode IX, and that's not a selfish or insensitive question at all. Star Wars is Carrie Fisher's biggest legacy and it will keep her memory alive for as long as human civilization exists. Which might not be much longer, but let's not think about that.

Steve Martin Tweeted this tribute: "When I was a young man, Carrie Fisher was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. She turned out to be witty and bright as well." He deleted his kind and thoughtful Tweet after feeling the venom of several cyber-denizens who purport to be feminists but are in reality a special breed of demon, because they felt that it was sexist. Fun fact: very few people have magic vision to see your personality and intelligence when they first notice you. Another fun fact: most people want to be attractive and appreciate it when someone says they are. Someday if my wildest dreams of writing success come to fruition, I'll commit a "gaffe" of this magnitude, and when people become outraged I'll tell them in no uncertain terms to bite me. But if Steve wants to not offend people, he should have said something like, "What? Carrie Fisher had like a mortal physical body and stuff? Weird, I never noticed because since I was a young man I've been too busy looking at her personality and intelligence. I just assumed it would live forever."

As Pauly Van Nostrand wrote, "Only in 2016 can a compliment offend people who have nothing to do with the compliment."

Yesterday I went with my father and sister to watch “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story”. Without getting into any details or spoilers, permit me to say that while time will tell whether this film ranks in my judgment just behind “The Empire Strikes Back” as the second greatest Star Wars film of all time, but I can say that I consider it to be a hundred times better than “The Force Awakens”. That film was decent but it didn't feel like Star Wars to me and I wasn't impressed with how it ripped off virtually every element of the plot and settings from "A New Hope" and still fit in an overabundance of ridiculously obvious wink-wink-nudge-nudge moments to it. I think this one has more of a Star Wars feel while still being new and fresh and pushing the boundaries of special effects technology as far as they can go. Boy, did it ever. I'm still in awe.

The Christmas church service involved six hymns and a musical number. It was a little excessive, to be honest, but I did thoroughly enjoy the spirit there. I have nothing against white people, but I do love the rare opportunities I get to see people of multiple ethnic backgrounds gathered together because frankly it's beautiful. My parents' ward has more diversity than my entire Utah stake, even though the student body at USU has equal or greater diversity. I noted two black people, one with five mixed-race children, and at least twenty Asians, mostly Chinese I think, one of them also with five mixed-race children. No Hispanics because they have their own branch (for language, not ethnic, reasons). I enjoyed it so much that for the first time in years I felt like going back to a family ward someday, with or without a family, may not be so bad.

My sleep patterns motivate me sometimes to cry out, “What idiot designed this thing?” There's no correlation between when I get up and when I can fall asleep, I don't have any say in when my brain decides to wake up the next morning, it takes me a week to recover from Daylight Savings Time or a time zone shift, and I can be woken up by someone talking on the sidewalk outside my window. While I'm wearing earplugs. Which I do every night. Other times, I just wake up for no reason and can't get back to sleep for two hours or so. I try not to be a jealous person, but when I see someone able to fall asleep in public, within less than an hour, I immediately despise them. Oh, you like to sleep, do you? How would you like to sleep forever? So getting up at quarter to five after already having woken up twice for no reason while still sick after a week of being sick so I could catch the bus to catch the plane to go to Indiana and be woken up by honking trains thrice nightly and then a final time by the creak of a floorboard as one of my sisters gets up at 7ish, which is still 5ish for me, was an adventure of sorts.

I remember the last time I woke up feeling refreshed and energized. It was in April 2009 the morning after a nine-day trip to Spain. Somehow the major time zone shift and our crazy schedule canceled each other out. I yearn to achieve that feeling again, and that's another reason why I don't concern myself about getting married, because I think one impossible goal is enough for a person. In the meantime I wake up every morning feeling like a dead battery and fantasizing about having an "off" switch that makes the same distinctive sound as our old computer when it shut down. Before I get up and adrenaline/the grace of God takes over and gives me some semblance of functionality, I'm in a state of mind where I couldn't be held accountable for anything I think or do. I'm being completely serious when I tell you that this was my last thought before getting out of bed on Monday: "The girl I was watching spontaneously combusted, Anakin. Don't you hate when that happens?"

It's been a few weeks since I shared anything from this scripted-but-not-drawn comic series, so to recap, it's a scripted-but-not-drawn comic series (previous posts here). This is the storyline I alluded too once that's loosely based on "The Gift of the Magi", and it's the first Christmas that Alvin, his dim but lovable wife Rachel, and their pet Komodo dragon Steve all spend together, so that sets it in 2004, which turns out to be relevant in this case. It went unfinished for over a month until I threw the rest of it together yesterday and today, so it needs work and I'm not at all satisfied with the humor but I wanted to share it now instead of waiting almost a year for another suitable time.

​Panel 1
Alvin (looking at bills, thinking): Well, crud. It looks like money's gonna be real tight this end-of-year. I hope I can still get Rachel something great for Christmas.
Panel 2
Alvin (thinking): I bet she'd like a swing set in the front yard... I could push her, she could push me, we could ride side by side... but looks like we'd be cutting it real close, budget wise.
Panel 3
Alvin (thinking): Aaargh! Why must money get in the way of everything?
Rachel: Thanks for taking care of all this financial stuff, Alvin. It always stresses me out.

Panel 1
Alvin (thinking): Hmm... I bet my Lego Star Wars Ultimate Collector Series 10019-1 Rebel Blockade Runner would fetch a decent price on eBay...
Panel 2
Alvin (thinking): Good thing it didn't come with any minifigures so I don't have to look into their distraught little faces...
Panel 3
Alvin (thinking): I never fancied myself the bounty hunter type, yet here I am selling the Rebels to the highest bidder.

Panel 1
George (on phone): A swing set? How old is she?
Alvin: Dad...
Panel 2
George: I got your mother a book on zoology and a collection of poetry. You know, intellectual stuff.
Alvin: She doesn't like to take herself too seriously. Are you going to help me move it or not?
Panel 3
George: Does it gotta be on Christmas Eve? We could do it any other day; she wouldn't know the difference...
Alvin: Who pissed in your eggnog, dad?

Panel 1
Rachel: Steve, I think I know exactly what to get Alvin for Christmas. Promise not to tell?
Panel 2
Rachel: A Lego Star Wars Ultimate Collector Series 10030-1 Imperial Star Destroyer would look great chasing his Lego Star Wars Ultimate Collector Series 10019-1 Rebel Blockade Runner. Eh?
Steve: Hiss...
Panel 3
Rachel: Hmm, you're right, it's not in its usual spot. He must be cleaning it.

Panel 1
Rachel: I don't want to spend Alvin's money on his own present, but I haven't got any of my own.
Panel 2
Rachel: Think, Steve. We'll have to be creative. I must have some natural asset that I can sell for a quick buck.
Panel 3
Woman (on phone): I'm sorry, ma'am, but we are not interested in your saliva.
Rachel: What about Komodo dragon saliva? It has over fifty kinds of bacteria.

Panel 1
Alvin: No need to get me anything, Rachel. I got you this year and that's enough for a lifetime.
Rachel: Oh, shush.
Panel 2
Alvin: No, really, it's fine...
Rachel: I'm not listening.
Panel 3
Alvin: Well, just saying. By the way, you've been wearing that hat for three days now, haven't you?
Rachel: It's all the rage this season.

Panel 1
Alvin: Open your eyes! Merry Christmas, Rachel!
Rachel: A swing set! Alvin, you're such a doll!
Panel 2
Rachel: I can't wait to tell everyone that we're swingers now!
Alvin: Maybe we should keep this to ourselves.

Panel 1
Alvin: A Lego Star Wars Ultimate Collector Series 10030-1 Imperial Star Destroyer! Rachel, you shouldn't have!
Rachel: Told you I wasn't listening.
Panel 2
Alvin: This must have cost a small fortune...
Rachel: I guess I can take this off now. My head is getting itchy.
Panel 3
Alvin: Ah. That explains a lot.
Rachel (bald): Good thing you didn't get me a hairbrush or something, huh? That would have been awkward.

Panel 1
TV headline: 9.3 Magnitude Tsunami Strikes Southeast Asia
Reporter (on television): Preliminary estimates have at least a hundred thousand dead or missing...
Rachel: Judas Priest...
Panel 2
Rachel: Alvin, would you be terribly offended if I sold the swing set and donated the money?
(Alvin looks at her in awe of her kindness)
Panel 3
Alvin: I guess that's the true meaning of Christmas. I'll pitch in the Star Destroyer too.
Rachel: And what about you, Steve? That's your neck of the woods, right?

​I intend no disrespect or tastelessness with this tribute to Carrie Fisher. Yes, the Star Wars Holiday Special, which has come to be associated with Christmas even though its one and only broadcast was during the Thanksgiving season, sucks beyond comprehension. And it has the distinction of being the only film where Mark Hamill was prettier than her, owing to the excessive makeup necessitated by his recent car crash. And she was visibly coked up for the duration of her small role (who can blame her?). But I've always honestly kind of liked this part. She prefaces it by announcing, "This holiday is yours but, we all share with you the hope that this day brings us closer to freedom, and to harmony, and to peace. No matter how different we appear, we're all the same in our struggle against the powers of evil and darkness. I hope that this day will always be a day of joy in which we can reconfirm our dedication and our courage. And more than anything else, our love for one another. This is the promise of the Tree of Life."

More of the thrilling future series discussed here, here, and here. This time I will go back to what is thus far the very beginning, and you also get to meet Alvin's parents since I know you've been burning with curiosity about them. There are a few scripts here that I already posted in the initial announcement, but now you get to read them in context which will make them more enjoyable (insert your own quip about that not saying a lot here). Yes, I know some of them suck but you're seeing the creative process underway here. So without further ado...

Panel 1
Alvin: Dad, I've decided I want to marry Rachel. I know you don't like her very much, but –
George: Now just hold it right there, son.
Panel 2
George: You're right, I don't like her very much, but your opinion is the one that matters. You do what you want to do.
Panel 3
George: And I'll do what I want to do, which is write you out of my will.
Connie: George!

Panel 1
George: Look, son, marriage isn't just about you, but also your future kids. You need someone who can teach them and take care of them.
Panel 2
George: And to do that, she needs to first know her stuff and be able to take care of herself.
Alvin: Rachel knows stuff! Rachel can take care of herself!
Panel 3
George: Son, last week she tried to tie her shoes and almost strangled herself to death.
Alvin: Well, have you seen her laces? They're freakin' long!

Panel 1
George: And then there's the genetic aspect! If your kids don't get good genes, no amount of external circumstances can compensate, and you're putting them in the race of life behind everyone else.
Panel 2
George: It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and as much as we like to consider ourselves civilized, survival of the fittest still very much applies to us.
Panel 3
Alvin: Need I remind you that Rachel has survived three years with a pet Komodo dragon?
George: Obviously he doesn't eat junk food.

Panel 1
Alvin: Mom, what do you think about this?
Connie: Your father was right the first time. Your opinion is the one that matters. I'll support you in whatever decision you make.
Panel 2
The important thing, that no one else can do for you, is to follow your heart. Heaven knows I wish I had.
Panel 3
George: Wait, what?
Connie: Oops.
Alvin: Uh, I'll leave you two alone for a while.

Panel 1
Bill: Yo, Al! Dad tells me you're fixin' to pop the question! You've come to the right place!
Alvin: Uh, thanks Bill, but I didn't –
Panel 2
Bill: Come on, we'd better have a little chat. I'll tell you everything you gotta do. Not to brag or anything, but I'm a freakin' expert on marriage.
Panel 3
Alvin: I should hope so, after you've done it five times.
Bill: Six, but who's counting?

Panel 1
Bill: I've been in a lot of fights over money. Who pays the bills? How much beer can you afford? Do you each keep your own money, or pool it together and split it evenly?
Panel 2
Alvin: She'll stay home while I earn the money, and we'll split it as needed.
Bill: Huh. I didn't know that was still allowed.
Panel 3
Bill: So you've already discussed it with her?
Alvin: No, but I've seen her resume.

Panel 1
Susan: Look, I get what you see in Rachel. She's kind, honest, fun, humble, and beautiful. But she's also stupid and psychotic.
Alvin: Susan...
Panel 2
Susan: Don't be so in love with being in love, or so desperate to get married, that you settle for less than you deserve.
Panel 3
Alvin: Susan, you once told me you'd marry a lamppost if you had the chance.
Susan: At least lampposts are fairly bright!

Panel 1
Susan: Are you as good as gone once you're married?
Alvin: Nope, we're getting a house nearby and I'll still be helping dad at the print shop.
Panel 2
Susan: Oh, good, I guess. I would have missed you terribly. But I wouldn't blame you for wanting to get out of this place.
Alvin: What can I say? It's home. My family is here.
Panel 3
Susan: That's why I wouldn't blame you for wanting to get out of this place.
Bill: Have you finished yakking at Al yet? I need to teach him about bachelor parties.

That exposition about Alvin's place of work is smoother than the cream cheese on your bagel, isn't it? The print shop is called "Prints Charming" but I'm not sure how to work that in naturally. Just show it written on the window, I guess.

Panel 1
Alvin: Rachel, these last six months have been the happiest of my –
Rachel: Let's cut the crap, Alvin. You got the goods?
Panel 2
Alvin: Uh, yeah. Here.
Rachel: A Ring Pop??
Panel 3
Alvin: There's more where that came from.
Rachel: Mm, cherry! You just bought yourself a wife, my friend.

Panel 1
Alvin: I assume you aren't interested in a real ring?
Rachel: My land, no. What a waste of money on something so intrinsically useless.
Panel 2
Rachel: Instead, we could go on a Caribbean cruise... buy a home theater system... take flying lessons...
Panel 3
Rachel: ...eat our weight in lasagna a dozen times over...
Alvin: I love you, Rachel.

Panel 1
Alvin: Well then, we can go almost anywhere for our honeymoon. What would you like?
Rachel: Hmm... well... I've always wanted to go to Venice and see the Eiffel Tower.
Panel 2
Alvin: The Eiffel Tower is in Paris, Rachel.
Rachel: Drat those Spaniards. It's just like them to steal it.

Before you get on Rachel's case for being racist, realize she's no worse than Wesley in "The Princess Bride", and everyone loves him.

Panel 1
George: Who's going to pay for this thing, anyway? Rachel's parents are still MIA, yeah?
Alvin: You could just think of it as a replacement for Susan's wedding that you'll never have to pay for.
Panel 2
[silence]
Panel 3
Alvin: I didn't mean that to be as cruel as it sounded.
George: No, you've made a valid point, son.

Rachel's parents are MIA because that gives me two fewer major characters to worry about, especially during the wedding when everyone is together. I've decided that they were explorers and got lost in the jungle somewhere, and at some point there will be a storyline to track them down. But not yet.

Panel 1
Alvin (at computer): I really like these wedding invites I designed for the Martins, dad. Could I just swap out the names and pictures and print some extras for me and Rachel?
George: Sure. I'll give you a discount.
Panel 2
Alvin: Hm. On second thought, I bet Square One could do a better job.
George: Fine. I'll make them free, you backstabber.
Panel 3
Alvin: Thanks, dad, you're a champ.
George: But take out the "George and Connie are pleased to announce" part.

Panel 1
George: Well, congratulations, son. You're taking a huge step into the next chapter of your life.
Panel 2
George: Someday you'll look back on this as the happiest day of your life.
Panel 3
Alvin: The wedding is tomorrow, dad.
George: I know.

Panel 1
George: Normally I'd tell you to just say "Yes, dear" to everything your wife says, but in your case that could get you in a full-body cast or in trouble with the law. Of multiple countries.
Panel 2
Alvin: What do you recommend instead?
George: Scream and run away as fast as you can.
Panel 3
Alvin: Thanks, dad, I'll keep that in mind.
George: Even better, run in the direction of Bill's divorce lawyer.

Panel 1
George: And when she asks "Does this make me look fat?" you say –
Alvin: Rachel would never ask me if something makes her look fat. Phat, yes. Fat, no.
Panel 2
[silence]
Panel 3
George: She's already messed you up, son.
Alvin: What? Most guys would love that in a wife!

Panel 1
Pastor Hartgraves: Do you, Alvin Cracroft, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?
Alvin: I do.
Panel 2
Pastor Hartgraves: And do you, Rachel Sparks, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?
Rachel: I do, I do, I do, I do, I do!
Panel 3
Rachel (dancing): I can't conceal it, don't you see, can't you feel it? Don't you too?
Pastor Hartgraves: Um, ma'am?
Alvin: No use. We just have to wait it out.

Panel 1
Pastor Hartgraves: If anyone has any reason why this couple should not be be joined together in matrimony, let them keep quiet and mind their own dang business, preferably forever.
Panel 2
George: Hang on, I've got a whole alphabetized – wait, what?
Panel 3
Alvin: Thanks, Pastor Hartgraves. I owe you one.
Pastor Hartgraves: Hahaha! The look on his face!

Pastor Hartgraves was made to look foolish in his first appearance on this blog, and antagonistic in the second, in both cases mocking evangelical fundamentalism. But he is a multifaceted character with redeeming qualities. Also, guess what I learned while researching this strip. Though the call for objections is usually omitted from weddings nowadays, in Anglican church weddings in England the minister is legally required to include it. There are very narrow legal criteria for what constitutes a valid objection, and "I'm an ogre, she's a part-time ogre, I'm in love with her and he's just marrying her so he can be king" does not fall under them. If somebody raises an objection, the minister is legally obligated to stop the wedding and call in the police. If the objection is found to be invalid, the objector faces a prison sentence and/or steep fine and will probably also be sued by the other guests. England is weird.

Panel 1
Pastor Hartgraves: By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss your bride.
Rachel: He doesn't need your permission, pal.
Panel 2
Pastor Hartgraves: Er, right.
Alvin and Rachel: (kissing)
Panel 3
Pastor Hartgraves: Now, for the exchanging of the rings...
Rachel: Judas Priest, I already ate mine.
Alvin: Relax, I got you covered.

Panel 1
Susan (thinking): I'm ready. This time I'm going to catch the bouquet if it kills me.
Panel 2
Susan (thinking): Come on, Rachel, what are you waiting for? Throw it! Throw it!
Panel 3
Susan (thinking): Or eat it. That's cool too.

Why do I make light of Susan's hopeless love life? Because I enjoy her suffering? No, because I think it's therapeutic for all singles everywhere who can relate to some degree or another, and also because it's therapeutic for me to disregard the optimistic bull pucky we tell each other in an attempt to believe that life is fair on some level. You'll find someone... unless you don't. Just being honest.

Panel 1
Alvin: Great. Now's the part where we have to stand here and shake hands with eighty people I don't care about.
Rachel: Leave it to me.
Panel 2
Rachel: HEY, SCREW ALL Y'ALL!
Panel 3
Alvin: Rachel...
Rachel: There. Now only our true friends will want to shake hands with us.

Panel 1
Bill: Any of y'all seen “The Wedding Singer”? I'll be playing the same minor role as Steve Buscemi, getting drunk and sharing awkward stories about my brother's less-than-perfect past.
Panel 2
Bill: But first, I'd like to propose a toast to him and his beautiful new bride!
Panel 3
Alvin: Rachel, what are you looking for?
Rachel: I left my toaster at home. There's probably one among the wedding presents.

Panel 1
Speakers: Maahi ve! Maahi ve! That's the way... Maahi ve!
Alvin: Aw yeah, this is my jam! This is the one thing I insisted on having!
Panel 2
Speakers: Tere maathe jhumar damke, tere kaanon baali chamke, hai re! Maahi ve!
Alvin: You just put your hands together like so and move your arms like so!
Panel 3
Speakers: Tere haathon kangna khanke, tere pairon paayal chhanke, hai re! Maahi ve!
White Person: What the – hey! This is cultural appropriation!
Indian Person: Eh, blow it out your ear.

When Chelsea shared this song with me it surpassed "Salaam-E-Ishq" as my favorite Bollywood song, and that wasn't easy to do. If you haven't heard it, FIX THAT RIGHT NOW. It's the perfect song for letting your best friend marry the woman of your dreams because you're terminally ill. And also in the video you can see the brilliant hand/arm choreography Alvin refers to.

Panel 1
Connie: Well, that wasn't a total disaster, was it?
George: Hmph.
Panel 2
Connie: I mean short-term. Look, nothing exploded, no one got sent to the hospital, and Alvin is happy.
George: I suppose you're right.
Panel 3
Connie: We'd better give Bill a ride home, though.
Bill (staggering): You are the worst wedding singer in the world! Sir, one more outburst and I will strangle you with my microphone, you understand?

Panel 1
Alvin: Wow. My wedding night. I felt like this moment would never come.
Rachel: Let's make it a night to remember, if you catch my drift.
Panel 2
Alvin: You mean –
Rachel (lunging): Yep! Tickle fight of the century! Raaawr!

Panel 1
Alvin: Rachel! Did you see the "Revenge of the Sith" teaser trailer they released today?
Rachel: Duh! My land, it was epic!
Panel 2
Alvin (pantomiming starships): Pew pew! Boom!
Rachel (pantomiming lightsaber): Voom! Voom!
Panel 3
Alvin: I'm so excited I almost wet my pants!
Rachel: I'm so excited I did wet my pants!

Panel 1
Alvin: I was only five, but I still remember being in awe when “Return of the Jedi” was released. I felt that way when "The Phantom Menace" came out and I feel that way now.
Panel 2
Alvin: A lot of my coworkers are lukewarm about this, but not me. Sure, the prequels are far from perfect, but so what? I'm just going to relax and be a kid again.
Panel 3
Alvin: Hopefully George Lucas has learned his lessons. No more Jar Jar Binks. No more painfully wooden and awkward "romance" scenes.
Rachel: I love Jar Jar Binks! He's hilarious!

I have the same nostalgic attachment to the prequels as older folks do to the original trilogy, so I can't hate them if I try. Several scripts, including a Christmas story based on "The Gifts of the Magi", are omitted here because of course there was a lengthy period between the teaser and the actual movie.

​Panel 1
Alvin: I can't decide what costume I want to wear to the theater... Have you decided?
Rachel: I'm thinking maybe Princess Leia in that metal bikini.
Panel 2
Alvin: Er, well... you'd look great, of course, but wouldn't you rather play a more powerful role? One more in control of things and not being exploited for eye candy?
Panel 3
Rachel: Princess Leia in that metal bikini strangling Jabba the Hutt with her chain.
Alvin: Not gonna lie, that would be awesome.

Panel 1
Screen: 20th Century Fox logo
Rachel (thinking): It's starting! It's starting!
Alvin (thinking): Ohmygosh. Ohmygosh.
Panel 2
Screen: Lucasfilm Ltd. logo
Rachel and Alvin (thinking): I felt like this moment would never come...
Panel 3
Screen: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...
Alvin (thinking): I should probably start breathing again at some point.
Rachel (thinking): There's something I'm forgetting to do, I just know it.

Panel 1
Alvin: You were the chosen one!
Rachel: Not if anything to say about it I have!
Panel 2
Alvin (pantomiming lightsaber): Voom! Voom!
Rachel: Pew pew! Boom!
Panel 3
Rachel (tickling): No, no, you will die! Zap zap!
Alvin: Ack! Hahaha! Activate ray shields!

Panel 1
Rachel (in bed): Anakin and Padme's kids saved the galaxy... do you think it's a good time for us to start having kids?
Panel 2
Alvin (in bed): Well, sure. We're financially stable, there's a good school nearby, the house has plenty of space... I don't see why not...
Panel 3
Alvin: ...other than the petition that all our neighbors signed.
Rachel: I don't even know half those people.

Panel 1
Rachel: Alvin, do you happen to have the number for Baby Island? I can't find anything on Google.
Alvin: The number for what??
Panel 2
Rachel: Baby Island. You know, where babies come from.
Alvin: Where babies come – what??
Panel 3
Alvin: Rachel...
Rachel: My land. Your parents never gave you “the talk”, did they?

Panel 1
Rachel: No one knows the location of Baby Island. It's a heavily guarded secret. But when people wish for a baby, their wishes travel there.
Panel 2
Rachel: The caretakers of the island listen to the wishes and create babies to fulfill them.
Panel 3
Alvin: And who are these caretakers, the Baby Fairies?
Rachel: No, genetic engineers. What are you, seven?

Panel 1
Rachel: When an embryo is ready, one of the genetic engineers packs it into his dirigible and flies off.
Panel 2
Rachel: One night while we're asleep, he'll sneak into our room and inject it into my uterus.
Alvin: Fine. Whatever.
Panel 3
Alvin: So, do we want a boy or a girl?
Rachel: If we leave a note and a couple thousand bucks under the pillow, I bet they'd give us a Velociraptor.

Yeah, I kind of referenced this already in one of the storylines that I showed out of chronological order, but hopefully you knew Rachel well enough by then that no explanation was necessary.

Panel 1
Rachel: Alvin! I'm pregnant! I'm pregnant!
Alvin: Wonderful! Is it a boy or a girl?
Panel 2
Rachel: I haven't checked yet. It must be a Velociraptor.
Alvin: Rachel, it is not a Velociraptor.
Panel 3
Rachel: You're right. The money was still under our pillow the next morning.
Alvin: Thank goodness genetic engineers still have some scruples.

Panel 1
Alvin: Now, Rachel, this is going to be like nothing you've experienced before. Or me either, of course, but I've read about it.
Panel 2
Alvin: There will be a lot of pregnancy hormones swirling around in your head, clouding your brain. You'll have weird cravings and strange behaviors.
Panel 3
Rachel: I feel like eating a nutritious, well-balanced meal and going to bed before one thirty.
Alvin: Hooboy. Here we go already.

Panel 1
Alvin: I'm not comfortable with the way entertainment media portrays husbands and fathers. Everywhere from “The Simpsons” to "The Berenstain Bears".
Panel 2
Alvin: Such male figures are almost always portrayed as silly idiots who make messes and get into trouble. Their families love them, but look down on them at the same time.
Panel 3
Alvin: At the very least, for the sake of equality we should see women portrayed like that once in a while.
Rachel: Pfft. Who would find that entertaining?

Alvin and Rachel come dangerously close to breaking the fourth wall, but I will never succumb to that temptation because I think it's cheap writing (insert your own quip about all my writing being cheap here.) Now obviously pregancy is a long process but I haven't written all of it yet so now it just cuts to the chase.

Panel 1
Alvin: Push, honey! Push!
Rachel: Really? Are you sure I shouldn't pull?
Panel 2
Alvin: No, you need to push. You want the baby to come out.
Rachel: Well, it isn't working. I'm going to pull for a minute and see what that does.
Panel 3
Alvin: Nurse, can you talk to her?
Rachel: Judas Priest, this hurts. Are you sure it isn't a Velociraptor?

Sometimes I don't invent character traits so much as discover them. Here, for example, I discovered that Rachel has a high tolerance for pain, which is good because she's so sweet and innocent I don't want her to suffer. It comes in handy for giving birth to her daughter but far more for actually raising her.

Panel 1 (and only)
Baby: Waaaaaah!
Nurse: It's a girl!
Rachel: No, that's a big red screaming potato if I've ever seen one.
Alvin: That's what newborns look like, Rachel.

Panel 1
Alvin: Well, what shall we name our little bundle of joy?
Rachel: I like Tyler.
Panel 2
[silence]
Panel 3
Alvin: That's a boy's name.
Rachel: And you have a chipmunk's name. What's your point?

Panel 1
(door slams)
Rachel: We're home, Steve! Please welcome Tyler Anne Cracroft to the family!
Panel 2
Rachel: I know she looks like a big potato with clothes, but don't eat her, okay?
Panel 3
Rachel: Wait, what am I saying? You don't eat potatoes anyway! Ha ha!
Alvin: That's immensely comforting.

On the island of Komodo, people build their houses on stilts to protect their children from the dragons, so Rachel's flippancy is perhaps in poor taste and certainly absurd, but remember that it's meant to be a freaking cartoon. Here I omitted several more scripts because I've taken up too much space already and they're kind of lame. Yeah, if you think these ones are lame, imagine how bad those must be.

Panel 1
Tyler (offscreen): Waaaaah!
Alvin (in bed): Mmph.
Rachel (in bed): Mmph.
Panel 2
Tyler: Waaaaah!
Alvin: This is what, the seventh time tonight?
Rachel: I'll take your word for it.
Panel 3
Tyler: Waaaaah!
Alvin: I was just dreaming about the sweet, sweet kiss of death.
Rachel: You're cheating on me in your dreams??

Inspired by a real experience staying at an relative's house and being awakened what felt like seven times by a cry, starting out low and steadily rising in pitch and volume, followed by the sound of someone above me rolling out of bed and walking across the floor to attend to it. What felt like the seventh time, I wondered if I was trapped in a horrible time loop for eternity.

Now, you may want to skip this next one and I hesitated to even share it but maybe someone can offer feedback on the debate I'm having about whether it's irredeemably crass.

​Panel 1
Rachel: My land. I took Tyler to the petting zoo today and they kicked me out for breastfeeding in public. Threatened legal action, even.
Alvin: What? That's absurd!
Panel 2
Alvin: I can't believe there's so much ignorance in this country about something so natural and innocent. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.
Panel 3
Alvin: Don't let them get to you. All that matters is that Tyler appreciated it.
Rachel: The baby llamas actually, but yeah they did.

I wanted to make a point, but I can't just spout my opinions in a comic strip. That's what my blog is for. So I had to hide it in a joke, or an attempt at one, and given the subject matter and the opinion being expressed about it, that was difficult to do in a tasteful manner that wasn't ironically counterproductive to said opinion, so I tried and probably failed... also, I discovered that Rachel is kind to animals.

No song today since this has gone on long enough already, but there is still room for another plea for donations of likes to my Facebook page.

​First of all, as I announced two weeks ago, yesterday was legendary actor Kirk Douglas' 100th (one hundredth) birthday. I'm so very happy for him even though I myself have no desire to live that long. Some highlights: he's lonely because his Hollywood friends are dead (I can relate), he's not worried about death (I can relate), he writes more nowadays since a stroke left him unable to communicate verbally as well as he used to (I can relate), and he kind of just wants to relax and be left alone until he does more interviews when he turns 200 (I can relate).

Of far less significance, a couple days earlier marked the one year anniversary of the last time I asked a girl out. After I realized that I hadn't done it for several months, I decided to see if I could make it a whole year, and now I've accomplished my goal and I know I can do anything I set my mind to. I almost slipped up a couple months ago when I fell head over heels for a coworker, but she saved me by strategically mentioning her boyfriend. Over the summer, when I was hanging out with Debbie at least thrice a week, we did a bunch of things that would have been dates if I hadn't already agreed that they weren't. Lots of people thought we were dating and I made no attempt to correct their misconception. I realize now that was very selfish of me. But dang, it was a great summer.

So much drama gone. So much stress gone. So much money no longer gone. And every time I asked a girl out, I felt like I was following someone else's script and not doing a particularly good job of it, reading lines that someone else wrote without my input or consent, but that I was expected to follow just because I was born.

This last time was for the Latter-day Voices Christmas concert, which happened again last night and will happen again tonight. Since Emily is now on a mission and unlikely to ever read this, I can finally all of the juicy details, except that there really aren't any. It was pretty standard. She was in Creative Fiction Writing with me, but I had to ask her via Facebook because she was never alone, and she said she would love to and she gave me her number and I was so sleep-deprived that I put it in under my own name and then stared at it for a long while as it slowly dawned on me that something wasn't right. Also, it was the wrong number because she transposed two of the digits even though I repeated it back for confirmation. But I still found her place all right. She said no one ever found it without calling for clarification, but I made a beeline right to it because I'm a genius.

The choir put on a stellar performance as always. "I had a great time tonight," she said afterward. "I had a great time tonight," she said again when I dropped her off. "I had a great time tonight," she texted me a few minutes later.

So I felt that it had gone very well and inquired about the possibility of doing something again after the break.

"I don't know," she said. "I'm going to be pretty busy next semester. Also I feel I should tell you that I've kind of started dating someone."

I've been emailing her on her mission, lest anyone think there are any hard feelings. The next night I went again by myself and met another great Indian guy who's been a great friend since then. I love Indians.

I have gone on one date since then, though. Chick-Fil-A was giving out free food to college students. It took like an hour to get there because winter weather had knocked out the power on half of Main Street, and then it was super crowded and there was a big line, but that was all right because I had nothing better to do. I got to the line and then I ordered and wandered over somewhere to wait some more. Then this other girl from Creative Fiction Writing, the one who was usually glued to Emily, walked over to me alongside a friend who was unsuccessfully suppressing giggles for some reason. "Christopher," she said, "will you go to the Ladies' Choice dance with me tomorrow?"

She seemed pretty confident that I hadn't already been asked even though it was, you know, tomorrow. Which I hadn't. But there was no shame in that. Most guys don't. But I said sure and then I said, "Did you ask me because I just happened to be here?"

"Yeah," she said. "And I do like you, so..." Then she and her friend turned and walked away as if with an invisible mic drop.

In one episode of "Psych", there's a part where Shawn says "Desperaux is alive!" and Woody looks at the tray full of plastic baggies ostensibly containing Deperaux's remains, pokes one of them, turns back to Shawn and says, "I'm quite sure that's impossible." That was the line that popped into my head in response to her disclosure. "I'm quite sure that's impossible." So I did what any normal person does when faced with inexplicable cognitive-dissonance-inducing circumstances, and decided not to think about it. My food arrived soon afterward and I ran into another friend and that was that.

We went to the dance but after that night, although she sometimes likes my Facebook posts she never responded to my messages again. I have no idea what happened to restore the universe to its natural order, but maybe it was because afterward I said something to the effect of, "Are you going to leave now?" It was a very poor choice of words, but all I meant was that I didn't think she would want to stick around for another half hour while I helped clean up.

Recently I was hanging out with a friend and he mentioned that he hadn't gone on a date in about a year but that it wasn't for lack of trying. He wasn't upset but just felt that he was doing what he needed to be doing so the results weren't his problem. I mentioned that I hadn't asked a girl out in almost a year. He said, "If you give up, nothing is going to happen." I didn't point out that without trying I had gone on more dates in that time period than he had. And also, maybe I prefer nothing happening to the somethings that were happening before. Did you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

One of my other friends got kind of mad at me. "You are withholding a wonderful blessing from a special young lady!" he said. Which, first off, is easy for him to say because he looks like freaking Adonis. And secondly... I'm not stopping this special young lady from stepping forward and claiming this wonderful blessing for herself. When I want a blessing, I don't just wait for someone to give it to me and get depressed when nobody does.

This is a societal problem. The very existence of "Ladies' Choice" events indicates that the rest of the time they don't have a choice. Another friend (I have a lot of friends) mused on this the other night as he was driving me home. I had interrupted a conversation between him and his sister to offer them pizza, and she kind of looked like she wanted to go home and sleep forever, so I asked if she was all right and he started talking about her dating problems. I went on a date with her once by accident. When I say "by accident" I don't mean that I minded it, not in the slightest, but I just didn't realize that taking her to Freedom Fire counted as a date until I brought her home and her landlord was there and he asked "Is this your date?" and she said yes. Anyway, her brother talked about her dating problems and he said, "Dating must be real hard for girls. I mean, it's hard enough for guys to date who you want, but to feel like you don't really have a choice..."

Why does it have to be that way? It doesn't. If he would have said "Doing James Earl Jones impressions must be real hard for girls" or "Growing ZZ Top beards must be real hard for girls" or "Peeing while standing up must be real hard for girls" I would have just shrugged it off as part of the inevitable fairness of life. But there is nothing sacred about these traditions our forebears have built up. They are not mentioned in "The Family: A Proclamation to the World". Most people can't give a real reason for them at all. Once I heard an institute teacher opine that it's unnatural for girls to ask guys out because the hunter doesn't like it when he has his prey in his sights and then suddenly feels eyes on his shoulders and looks back and sees another predator stalking him. I do have to concede that point because yes, strangely enough, most animals including humans want to eat and don't want to be eaten. It would be more accurate to imagine that the prey has a brain parasite that can only reproduce after it's been digested, so it makes the prey run toward the hunter and ask to be eaten.

Taking the metaphor this far just exposes how stupid it actually is. Hunting and dating are not analogous. There is an evolutionary basis for these traditions, which arguably does render the role reversal "unnatural", but who says we need to let evolution tell us what to do? I say, if you want to ask someone out then ask them out and if you don't then don't. The end.

I'm not going to explain the premise of this series or introduce the characters a third time. If you're confused, see here where it was introduced and here where more of it was shared. This storyline was omitted last time for space considerations but seems relevant now. Like "Meet the Mormons", it isn't finished because I don't know how I want it to finish. Zach Burns is named after Zack Burns, a guy I met at EFY who sadly is no longer with us. Tyler is sixteen years old, so this takes place in 2022.

Panel 1
Tyler: Hey, Zach! I was wondering...
Panel 2
Tyler: You? Me? Chick-Fil-A? Tomorrow? 7?
Panel 3
Zach: Sure, I'd love to.
Tyler: Great. Here's my address. Don't be late picking me up.

Panel 1
Zach: Hi, I'm Zach Burns. I'm taking Tyler on a date tonight.
Rachel: Thank you, Zach, but your princess is in another castle!
Panel 2
Zach: Ha, ha, classic! You're awesome, Mrs. Cracroft!
Rachel: Congratulations, you passed that test.
Panel 3
Zach: Phew! That's a load off my shoulders!
Rachel: Yeah, I don't think I could let my daughter go out with someone who's never played the Zelda games.

Director's Commentary: The joke, whether funny or not, is that the line is from a Mario game, not Zelda. If you didn't know that then you should also be made aware that the green-clad protagonist is named Link, not Zelda.

Panel 1
Zach: Hi, I'm Zach Burns. I'm taking Tyler on a date tonight.
Alvin: Hi, Zach. Nice to meet you. I'm Alvin Cracroft.
Panel 2
[silence]
Panel 3
Zach: So... that's it? You're not going to threaten to shoot me or anything?
Alvin: No, but you'll probably beg me to later.

Panel 1
Zach: Good night, Tyler. Thanks for the wonderful time.
Tyler: Same back atcha, Zach.
Panel 2
Alvin (from bushes): Pssst! Zach! Are you all right? How did it go?
Zach: Oh, it was just marvelous. I can't wait to take her out again next week.
Panel 3
Alvin: Did she threaten or blackmail you into that? I can have a talk with her.
Zach (spreading arms): I'm in love, Mr. Cracroft!

Panel 1
Alvin (in bed): Zach seems like a kind, polite young man with a good head on his shoulders and a promising future.
Rachel (in bed): That he does.
Panel 2
[silence]
Panel 3
Alvin: Explain to me what he sees in our daughter?
Rachel: Well, she has nice eyes.

Panel 1
Rachel: Zach, my boy, if you wanna score with Tyler then you gotta be a great kisser.
Panel 2
Rachel: And today's your lucky day, because I'm a great kisser and I'll teach you everything I know. C'mere.
Panel 3
Zach: Er... is your husband okay with this, ma'am?
Rachel: He put his face in his hands and sighed. I took that as a yes.

Director's Commentary: That was loosely based on a real experience when my roommate's wife, who had also become a de facto roommate despite never paying rent or utilities, argued with him to let me kiss her "so that he can say he's kissed a black girl, and I can say I've kissed a white guy". So she was like "Come here" and he was like "Don't you dare" and I, unable to obey both of these conflicting orders, just about short-circuited. Isaac Asimov's laws of robotics never covered anything like this.

Panel 1 (and only)
Rachel (doing Tyler's hair): Each night I ask the stars up above, why must I be a a teenager in love?
Tyler: And the stars whisper back, “First world problems much?”

In honor of you-know-who, here is a clip of him in Disney's "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" (1954) where he portrayed Canadian whaler Ned Land. There is a recorded version of this song with completely different lyrics for the last verse. Maybe some people found them offensive, but not offensive enough to redub the actual movie? Who knows. I mean, I'm sure somebody knows and I could know to if I bothered to look it up.

As always, please like my Facebook page. Do it do it do it!

Surprise! This is the first time in well over a year that I've posted not on a Saturday, but I just couldn't wait to share some more complete storylines! Since I already wrote this stuff and just had to copy-paste it, writing a lengthy bonus post took very little time at all and serves to magnify my efforts. If you read the previous post and liked it, I hope you will like this one too. If you didn't read the previous post, do so now to reduce your confusion and increase my page views. If you read the previous post and didn't like it, I thank you for giving me another chance.

To recap: Alvin Cracroft is normal, his wife Rachel is dim-witted but wonderful, his daughter Tyler is a cunning brat, his pet Steve is a Komodo dragon, his sister Susan is forever alone and his brother Bill is only briefly alone between wives. When a co-worker asked what my comic was about I just summarized it as "a dysfunctional family", and then reflected on how true that is. But they're lovable! Right? Right?

Is it cute for Tyler to call him "Unca Bill"? I think it is. I stole it from Huey, Dewey, and Louie, but don't tell anyone. Tyler is three years old.

​Panel 1
Alvin (on phone): Hello?
Bill: Hey, Al, how's it going? Listen, the missus kicked me out of my apartment. Can I come crash at your place for a few days?
Panel 2
Alvin: Bill, I have a wife and a kid and a life of our own. You need to keep quiet and get out of here as soon as you can, capische?
Bill: No sweat. It'll just be for a few days!
Panel 3
Alvin: Well, this is the third time this year. What are you doing to set them off?
Bill: Beats me. You'd think they've never seen socks in the kitchen sink before.

Panel 1
Tyler: Unca Bill! Unca Bill! Did you bring me a present?
Bill: Sure did, kiddo!
Panel 2
Bill: Here, see if you can find something fun to do with these firecrackers!
Tyler: Wow! Thanks, Unca Bill!
Panel 3
Alvin: Bill, are you familiar with the term “fratricide”?
Bill: Nah. Are you familiar with the term “karma”?

Panel 1
Bill: Ah, and here's the famous Steve the Komodo Dragon! Can I pet him?
Rachel: By all means.
Panel 2
Bill: Oh, he's a beaut! I hope he doesn't like “to serve man”, if you catch my drift!
Panel 3
Alvin: He only eats houseguests who overstay their welcome.
Bill: Ha! Ha! Noted.

Panel 1 (and only)
(long vista of destruction)
Bill: I notice you often call Tyler “sweetie”.
Alvin: I just hope that if I say it enough times, it will become true.

Panel 1
Bill: Rachel, on behalf of the entire Cracroft family, I want to apologize for misjudging you.
Panel 2
Bill: It's clear to me now that you're a great wife to my brother and a great mother to my niece. You're doing a great job.
Panel 3
Bill: Obviously you're a sharper tack than we gave you credit for.
Rachel: Hm? Sorry, were you talking to me?

Panel 1
Tyler: Will you tell me a story, Unca Bill?
Bill: No problem, kiddo! What kind of story do you wanna hear?
Panel 2
Tyler: Well, dad says you like loose women with low standards and questionable morals. Tell me a story about them!
Bill: Uh...
Panel 3
Bill: He says that, does he?
Alvin: Whoa, sweetie, it's way past your bedtime! How about “The Three Little Pigs”?

Panel 1
Bill: In his last moments of life, the third little pig felt the unique sensation of his own warm, slimy intestines in his hooves. Like his brothers, he welcomed oblivion.
Panel 2
Bill: The next day, the Big Bad Wolf went to court and legally changed his name to “the Big Nice Wolf Who's Just Gotta Eat Like the Rest of Us”. The end.
Panel 3
Tyler: That was beautiful.
Bill: Tune in tomorrow night for “The Three Little Pigs Part II: Revenge, Unlike Bacon, is a Dish Best Served Cold”.

Panel 1
Alvin (in bed): Ugh. I love him and all, but I don't think I can stand Bill for another day.
Rachel (in bed): Hm? Who's Bill?
Panel 2
Alvin: You know, my brother?? The other man who's been in our house for the last week??
Rachel: That's not our son Skippy home from college?
Panel 3
Alvin: Oh for the love of –
Bill: Can you guys keep it down in here? I'm trying to watch TV.

Panel 1
Bill: Bye, everyone! Catch you on the flip side!
Alvin: Take care of yourself, Bill!
Panel 2
Tyler: You seemed in a hurry for him to leave.
Alvin: Nonsense.
Panel 3
Tyler: Are you just jealous because I love him a lot more than you?
Alvin: Go to bed, Tyler.

I wrote the Unca Bill storyline to give his character a chance to shine, so it was only fair to do the same for Auntie Susan. Tyler is four years old.

Panel 1
Alvin: Rachel, when was the last time we went on a date?
Rachel: Ummm...
Panel 2
Alvin: I think it was before Tyler was born. We've been so busy taking care of her that we've neglected our relationship.
Rachel: Hmmm...
Panel 3
Alvin: We need to fix that this week.
Rachel: I give up. Is this a trick question?

Panel 1
Rachel: So we're going on a date. For nostalgia purposes, let's go to where we had our first date ever.
Alvin: We can't. It burned down.
Panel 2
Rachel: Oh yeah. Second?
Alvin: That one burned down too.
Panel 3
Rachel: Oh yeah. Third?
Alvin: That one burned down too, but by then you were beginning to catch on that Molotov cocktails are not a dinner beverage.

Panel 1
Alvin (on phone): Susan! How's it going? Listen, Rachel and I are going out to dinner and a movie this Friday and we were wondering if you would mind watching Tyler for a few hours?
Panel 2
Susan: This Friday? Gosh, you know I'd love to, but I already have plans.
Panel 3
Alvin: No you don't.
Susan: Sigh. No I don't.

Panel 1
Rachel: Help yourself to anything in the fridge, the number for 911 should be somewhere on this sticky note by the door, and don't let her burn down the house. Bye!
Panel 2
(door slams)
Panel 3
Susan: So, I guess it's you and me, Tyler.
Tyler: Just as long as nobody cool finds out.

Panel 1
Tyler: Auntie Susan, have you got a husband?
Susan: Nope.
Panel 2
Tyler: A boyfriend?
Susan: Nope.
Panel 3
Tyler: A male friend who not-so-secretly wants to be more than friends?
Susan: Let's stop talking and watch TV.

Panel 1
Tyler: Why don't you have a man, Auntie Susan? Is it because you killed him and took his money?
Susan: Ha! Nope, I wouldn't still be hanging around here if I had.
Panel 2
Tyler: Is it because you like women?
Susan: Uh... no... have you been talking to my parents?
Panel 3
Tyler: Is it because men just don't find you attractive?
Susan: Let's stop talking and watch TV.

Panel 1
Tyler: This is my favorite show.
Susan: Yeah? What's it about?
Panel 2
Tyler: That guy is the hero, and he shoots all the bad guys. Bang bang! Blood everywhere! The special effects are great.
Susan: Er...
Panel 3
Tyler: It turns the ladies on. There's one now. Oh, look, she's in the mood already!
Susan: Let's stop watching TV and read a book.

Panel 1
Rachel: Do you think Susan and Tyler are having a good time?
Alvin: I'm sure they are. Susan is great with kids.
Panel 2
Rachel: Probably better than we are. Hey, let's have her do this every week.
Alvin: That might be a bit excessive.
Panel 3
Rachel: Well, you said she never has anything else going on.
Alvin: But she does have most of her sanity, and I don't want to take that away.

Panel 1
Tyler: Listen up, Auntie Susan. I may not know much, but I know that you can be complete and happy without a man.
Panel 2
Tyler: Life is too short to wait for a knight in shining armor. Learn. Explore. Discover. Create. Be your best you and like it.
Panel 3
Susan: Thank you, Tyler. That was beautiful.
Tyler: Worth at least another helping of ice cream, wouldn't you say?

Panel 1
Alvin: Hey, Susan! I hope Tyler didn't give you too much trouble.
Susan: Oh, not at all. She was pretty mellow and went to bed when she was asked.
Panel 2
Alvin: Ha, ha! What a sense of humor! Here, you've earned this.
Susan: You're paying me??
Panel 3
Alvin: Well, duh! You didn't think I was exploiting you for free favors just because you're family, did you?
Susan: Well, Bill makes me do his laundry...

This one is weird because it switches between putting character dialogue in speech bubbles and including it in the narration which, of course, is too long to fit in standard comic panels so I'll just have to draw really big ones. Tyler is five years old.

​Panel 1
Narrator: The writings of Roald Dahl, Jan Brett, Robert Munsch / Have all been beloved by kids a whole bunch. / Joy Cowley, Shel Silverstein, old Mother Goose – / But no one can top the acclaimed Dr. Seuss.
Panel 2
Narrator: For Seuss has a certain good kind of a charm / That seizes their minds (though it does them no harm). / From Austin to Boston to Kalamazoo, / Chicago, Weehauken, and Washington too...
Panel 3
Narrator: With fabulous creatures and strange far-off lands, / He frees them from life and its cold, harsh demands. / And so after hearing his books read, it seems, / Young Tyler Anne Cracroft was having strange dreams...
Tyler: I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore, Steve.

Panel 1
Narrator: “Hello! How are you?” asked the six-foot-tall cat. / “What's your name? My name is the Cat in the Hat! / I'm so pleased to meet you! We'll have so much fun! / Come on then, the day has just barely begun!”
Tyler: My parents say not to talk to strangers.
Panel 2
Narrator: “No, no, silly girl! You don't talk here like that! / You must speak in rhyme!” laughed the Cat in the Hat.
Tyler: Okay, I'll give it a shot.
Panel 3
Tyler: The big creepy cat with his dumb-looking hat, / Decided to go take a nap on a mat. / But then an enormous mutated fat rat, / Came and sat on the cat and squashed him flat. Splat!
Cat in the Hat: Yes, like that, you little brat.

Panel 1 (and only)
Narrator: The cat stroked his chin as he thought for a while. / “There must be some method of making you smile! / I have an idea! Yes, here's what we'll do! / Let's play with my friends here, Thing One and Thing –”
Steve (spitting out skull): Ptoo!

Panel 1
Narrator: “Your beast ate my friends!” cried the cat in a rage. / “Time out! That's not right! Reader, turn back the page!” / But just before Tyler could make a retort, / They heard a strange noise of a terrible sort.
Panel 2
Narrator: “Oh, crap! It's the Grinch!” said the cat. “Let's get packing!” / Then Tyler and Steve were a hatted cat lacking. / “The Grinch?” Tyler said. “Why, he isn't so bad. / He's ugly and mean, but then so is my dad.”
Panel 3
Narrator: Then Steve hissed a bit, and she said, “That is scary. / I forgot that execrable film with Jim Carrey.”

Panel 1
Narrator: “I'm the Grinch!” said the Grinch. “Little girl, be afraid! / I'll squeeze out your juices to make lemonade!” / But Tyler just gave him a look that just said, / “Just try it, you freak, if you want to be dead.”
Panel 2
Narrator: “Why aren't you scared?” he said. “Why aren't you running? / I'm here! The cat's gone! This is not time for funning!” / “Oh please,” Tyler said. “I've read all about you. / You're frightened of toddlers like Cindy Lou Who.”
Panel 3
Narrator: And then the Grinch deeply looked into her eyes, / And saw that her cunning belied her small size. / With great trepidation of what she might say, / He asked “Will you join forces with me today?”
Tyler: Sure, on condition that we can knock off this rhyming crap.

Panel 1
Rachel: Tyler, wake up! You can't sleep all day!
Tyler: Zz... mph... Sneetches storming the beaches...
Panel 2
Rachel: Oh, you're dreaming about Shel Silverstein! How sweet! I guess I'll leave you to it a while longer.
Tyler: Zz... Lorax cutting down the rebel troops... falling back...
Panel 3
Rachel: Ah, to be young and innocent with a boundless imagination!
Tyler: Zz... we meet again, Horton... but this time I brought my elephant gun...

One of the first ideas I had for the strip, though when I sat down and wrote it the ending surprised me. Tyler is six years old.

Panel 1
Alvin (doing Tyler's hair): So how was your day at school, sweetie?
Tyler: Meh. Becky told me that I'm not beautiful.
Panel 2
Alvin: Oh, sweetie... I'm so sorry...
Tyler: Meh, it's fine. I don't think she's beautiful either.
Panel 3
Alvin: No?
Tyler: Not after I got through with her, anyway.

Panel 1
Alvin: Do you mean to tell me you beat up another girl?
Tyler: That's exactly what I mean to tell you.
Panel 2
Alvin: But – but you can't –
Tyler: Relax, dad, I did it after school so I wouldn't get caught. I'm not stupid.
Panel 3
Alvin: Look, sweetie, I understand she hurt your feelings, but you can't just –
Rachel: Woot! That's my girl!

Panel 1
Alvin (in bed): Rachel, we can't encourage Tyler to beat up other kids.
Rachel (in bed): But she's gotta stick up for herself!
Panel 2
Rachel: This Becky person needs to learn that she can't go around bullying people with impunity. Especially a Cracroft.
Panel 3
Alvin: But you know Tyler. She takes everything too far.
Rachel: If this Becky person can still breathe without a machine, I'm not worried.

Panel 1
Tyler: Hey, Becky, I'm sorry I cleaned your clock yesterday.
Panel 2
Tyler: I'm sure you were only mean to me because you're insecure and have problems at home.
Becky: It's true.
Panel 3
Tyler: Want to be best friends?
Becky: Sure.

Panel 1
Becky: I don't feel very feminine, let alone beautiful. Hunting, fishing, sports... that's all my parents want to do with me. They have no interest in helping me with makeup, fashion, cooking or anything.
Panel 2
Tyler: Maybe they just want to free you from the strictures of traditional gender roles.
Becky: By moving me from one to the other? Nah, I think it's pretty obvious they wanted a boy.
Panel 3
Becky: And by your name, I'm guessing your parents did to.
Tyler: Actually, my mom wanted a Velociraptor.

Panel 1
Tyler: I apologized to Becky today and we became best friends.
Alvin (doing her hair): Wow! I'm so proud of you, sweetie! Doesn't that feel good?
Panel 2
Tyler: Yeah. It looks like you and mom were both wrong. Violence was only part of the solution.
Alvin: Well... I suppose... but...
Panel 3
Tyler: So a few years from now when some boy snaps my bra strap –
Alvin: Pulverize that #$@% and skip the apology.

Here I am again attempting to take a humorous look at one of those experiences that happens to all normal families, and in the process introducing what I hope to be another recurring character. Tyler is thirteen years old.

​Panel 1
[Ding-dong!]
Rachel: I'll get it!
Panel 2
Rachel: Hi. Can I help you?
Alien: Greetings, Earthling.
Panel 3
Rachel: Oh, how cute! Alvin, I forgot Halloween was tonight! Do we have any candy?
Alvin (off-screen): It's July, Rachel.

Panel 1
Rachel: So what are you then, a Mormon or something?
Alien: You may call me Mr. Flglmyyysphtsx. I hail from Tobin, the fourth planet of what you call the Zeta Reticuli system.
Panel 2
Mr. Flglmyyysphtsx: May I come in for a few moments? I have something of great importance to discuss with everyone who lives here.
Rachel: Well, of course! Mi casa es su casa.
Panel 3
Mr. Flglmyyysphtsx: Thank you.
Rachel: I can't quite place your accent. Albanian, is it?

Panel 1
Mr. Flglmyyysphtsx: I'll cut the crap, as you say. Your planet is abundant in resources. My race wishes to wipe yours out and seize it.
Panel 2
Mr. Flglmyyysphtsx: However, we are civilized and ethical, and would never deliberately wipe out another intelligent race. Therefore we are in the process of determining your intelligence first.
Panel 3
Mr. Flglmyyysphtsx: For a start, we have been monitoring this thing you call “the internet”.
Alvin, Rachel and Tyler (thinking): We're screwed.

Panel 1
Alvin: Look, Mr. Fulg – Mr. Fuggle – er –
Panel 2
Alvin: Do you mind if I just call you Mr. F?
Mr. Flglmyyysphtsx: You're not helping your case.

Panel 1
Alvin: Mr. F, our species covers a wide spectrum of intelligence. On the whole, I'd say the larger the group, the less intelligent we are. But you can't just wipe us out.
Mr. F: Well, that's where you come in.
Panel 2
Mr. F: The next phase of our investigation is to examine actual specimens. I would like your family to come with me in my ship, just for a few hours.
Panel 3
Tyler: You're asking permission to abduct us?
Mr. F: Of course. Abduction without consent is a huge no-no.

Panel 1
Alvin: Why us? What's so special about us?
Mr. F: Nothing. That's the point. You seem like a standard, normal Earthling family.
Tyler: Snrk.
Panel 2
Mr. F: Anyway, we have other agents approaching other Earthlings too. And you weren't even my first choice. Some of my previous specimens weren't very helpful.
Panel 3
(flashback)
Mr. F: So we're considering wiping out your race.
Person: I work at a call center. Please do.

Panel 1
(everyone is getting beamed up)
Alvin (thinking): Wow. The whole human race is depending on us. No pressure. No pressure.
Panel 2
Tyler (thinking): This is probably the coolest thing that will ever happen to me or anyone I know.
Panel 3
Rachel (thinking): I like waffles.

Panel 1
Tyler: Wow. A real live honest-to-goodness spaceship.
Mr. F: Don't touch anything, please.
Panel 2
Tyler: Why not?
Mr. F: You might crash the ship and kill us all.
Panel 3
Tyler: Got any laser guns? Can we dust the Kremlin and blame Drumpf?
Mr. F: I can't tell if you're unintelligent or just a brat.

Panel 1 (and only)
Rachel (holding apparatus): I don't see how these probes would help determine intelligence.
Tyler: Well, lots of people do have their heads up their –
Alvin: Tyler, how about you stay quiet until this whole thing is over.
Mr. F: Guys, we're not using those. Put them back.

Panel 1
Rachel: Lying in a room aboard an alien ship, going on a trip...
Panel 2
Rachel: Of all the people on the Earth why did they choose me, for their laboratory?
Panel 3
Alvin: Thanks for setting the mood, Rachel, but could you try something a little more upbeat?
Rachel: How about Weird Al's “Slime Creatures from Outer Space”?
Mr. F: Hey!

Panel 1
Mr. F: Rachel, your results are in and –
Rachel: No need, Mr. F. I know I'm not the brightest star in the solar system. But maybe that's not what's most important.
Panel 2
Rachel: I care. I love. These two people here with me, and the Komodo dragon we left behind, are my world. And I also love every other person and animal on this planet you want to take over.
Panel 3
Rachel: I'd like to think that what I lack in brain, I make up for in heart.
Mr. F: Not according to the X-ray.

Panel 1
Mr. F: Rachel, there's no need for your impassioned speech because you scored higher than the other two put together.
Rachel: Oh, cool.
Tyler: What??
Panel 2
Mr. F: I can't make any promises, but the results are, uh, promising. It's looking like we'll have to get our tofu burgers elsewhere.
Panel 3
Mr. F: Thank you for your time. I'll just take you back home and be on my way.
Tyler: Wait! Can you take Justin Bieber with you?

Panel 1
Alvin: Good old Steve, slept through the whole thing! Glad to know we can count on him to protect us.
Rachel: He knew we couldn't have saved the Earth if he kept us from leaving.
Panel 2
Alvin: Well, this was certainly a memorable night.
Rachel: We'll be talking about it for years to come.
Tyler: My classmates will be so jealous.
Panel 3
(aboard mothership)
Alien Leader: And you wiped their memories afterward?
Mr. F: Zark! I knew I forgot something!

Panel 1
Rachel: I'm going to call Rhonda and tell her that –
Man in Black: There's no such thing as aliens. Or UFOs.
Panel 2
Rachel: Then what was that thing we were just in?
Man in Black: A weather balloon.
Panel 3
Rachel: Oh, yeah. I should have realized.
Man in Black: And you two keep your mouths shut too or I'll kill you.

Last but not least... I had a lot of fun writing this one, obviously, but I've put it on hold for a while because the story started taking too much precedence over the humor (insert your own quip about none of them being humorous here) and I don't even know where I want the story to go anyway. Though I'm thinking maybe Tyler needs to convert because it's the only way to keep her from making poor choices that will haunt her well into her adult life. She is fourteen years old.

​Panel 1
Missionary 1: Good afternoon, ma'am! We're from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Rachel: The what with the who now?
Panel 2
Missionary 2: You might know us better as “the Mormons”.
Rachel: Oh yeah? I knew some Mormon girls in high school.
Panel 3
Missionary 2: Really? That's great!
Rachel: They relentlessly bullied me.

Panel 1
Missionary 1: I'm so sorry you had that experience. Mormons aren't perfect and unfortunately sometimes we don't live up to our beliefs.
Rachel: Hey, I know how it goes. What are your beliefs, anyway?
Panel 2
Missionary 2: Well, we –
Rachel: I'm just so curious. I'm sure you're really busy, but do you think you could stick around a while and tell me all about them?
Panel 3
Missionary 1: Well, we –
Rachel: Sorry, I know that's a lot to ask. What if I had you over for dinner tonight, would that make it up to you? My whole family will be home then...

Panel 1
Rachel: I invited some nice well-dressed Mormon boys to eat dinner with us and tell us about their religion.
Alvin: Oh, joy. Just what I always wanted.
Panel 2
Rachel: I don't know what Mormons are allowed to eat, though. I decided to play it safe and just do the whole “kosher” thing.
Panel 3
Alvin: What do you have so far?
Rachel: Not much. There aren't many things you can make with just pickles.

Panel 1
Missionary 2: Pleased to meet you all. I'm Elder Brighton from Pocatello, Idaho.
Missionary 1: And I'm Elder Njagi from Lira, Uganda.
Panel 2
Rachel: Wow, opposite sides of the world, and you have the same first name and now here you are together! That's nuts!
Panel 3
Elder Njagi: Actually, it's –
Alvin: And I didn't know there were Mormons in Uganda.
Rachel: I didn't know there were people in Uganda.

Panel 1
Elder Brighton: Oh wow, who's this fellow?
Rachel: His name is Steve. He's a Komodo dragon.
Panel 2
Elder Brighton: A Komodo dragon, eh? I've been chased by plenty of big dogs, but nothing as scary as this!
Alvin: Hey, Steve, that dinner we ordered for you is here!
Panel 3
(Elder Brighton runs)
Alvin: Just kidding.

Panel 1
Elder Brighton: Do you folks have any sort of religious or spiritual background?
Alvin: I was raised evangelical, but I'm not super into it now. Things like science and LGBT issues became too problematic for me.
Panel 2
Alvin: Still, I appreciate the values I got from it, and I like to think there's a God out there watching over us.
Panel 3
Tyler: If there's a God, why is there so much suffering in the world?
Alvin: You should know. You've caused more than your share of it.

Panel 1
Elder Brighton: As you feel the Holy Spirit and know that our message is true, will you will accept our invitation to follow the Savior's example and be baptized by one having authority from God?
Panel 2
Alvin: Eh, not so fast.
Rachel: We'd have to make some lifestyle changes, wouldn't we? Don't you guys do that whole polygamy thing?
Panel 3
Elder Njagi: No, ma'am, we haven't practiced polygamy for well over a century.
Rachel: Drat. I could use some help around the house.

Panel 1 (and only)
Elder Njagi: We believe that families can be together forever.
Tyler: No, please! I'll repent, I promise!

Panel 1
Elder Njagi: It's all right if your family situation isn't where you want it to be right now. Christ Himself came from a long lineage of family problems.
Panel 2
Elder Njagi: Cain, one of the first people on Earth, killed his brother Abel. Solomon was conceived in adultery just before his dad killed his mom's husband.
Panel 3
Elder Njagi: Lot's daughters got him drunk and –
Elder Brighton: Let's stick with the approved lesson plan, Elder.

Panel 1
Elder Brighton: Two hundred years ago, a young boy named Joseph Smith had these same questions. He was only fourteen...
Tyler (thinking): Fourteen?
Panel 2
Tyler (thinking): What's all this about God and angels coming out of the sky? And these guys actually believe it? How could anyone believe such a crock?
Panel 3
Elder Njagi: ...and you can hold this book, the Book of Mormon, in your hands, read it, and pray to know for yourself of its truth.
Tyler: No need. I've already heard the soundtrack to the musical adaptation.

Panel 1
Rachel (in bed): What do you think of that book they gave us, huh?
Alvin (in bed): Hmph. I couldn't get through five pages of it. I'll go back to it next time I have insomnia.
Panel 2
Alvin: You?
Rachel: I was very impressed, not just by the internal consistency amid such complexity, but also the Hebraic literary patterns and allusions to Mesoamerican culture and geography woven seamlessly throughout.
Panel 3
Alvin: Rachel, you're scaring me.
Rachel: I also like the tanned buff guys in the illustrations.

Panel 1
Susan (on phone): Mom says you guys have gotten involved in some kind of cult. I don't remember, the J. Dubs, the Scientologists, or...
Alvin: The Mormons.
Panel 2
Alvin: We're not really “involved” with them, though. Rachel's just had the missionaries over a couple times.
Susan: What are they like?
Panel 3
Alvin: Oh, you know, just a couple friendly young men in suits and ties... just boys, really, barely out of high school.
Susan: You don't say? Have I ever mentioned how curious I am about the Mormon religion?

Panel 1
Tyler: Hey, Pastor Hartgraves, I need a good anti-Mormon book – er, better make it a pamphlet. My mom's getting mixed up with them.
Pastor Hartgraves: I think I have just the thing in my office!
Panel 2
Pastor Hartgraves: It's so wonderful of you to look out for your mother's eternal welfare and fight to preserve her soul for Christ! You'll go far, young lady!
Tyler: Thank you.
Panel 3
Pastor Hartgraves: So, will we see you back in church on Sunday?
Tyler (leaving with pamphlet): Piss off.

Panel 1
Tyler: So, mom, I thought you'd want to take a look at this before you listen to the missionaries anymore.
Rachel: “The Truth About the Mormons”? I dunno, it's giving me a yucky feeling already.
Panel 2
Tyler: That's probably just the dawning realization that you're getting duped.
(Rachel tears pamphlet to shreds)
Panel 3
Tyler: What was that for?
Rachel: Oops, my fingers slipped.

To be continued sometime... somehow...

Confession - this was the song that I actually wanted to feature last Saturday, but I discovered at the last minute that it wasn't on YouTube and had to make a hasty replacement, intending to upload it myself later. Then it turns out that it was actually uploaded two days before I needed it and just wasn't showing up on Google yet. How annoying/funny. Anyway, what better way to celebrate Christmas than with a collaboration between one of the greatest artists of the modern era and Celine Dion? In French, no less? We also get to hear Alvin (the chipmunk, not my character) show off his proclivity for human females, which becomes less amusing and more disturbing if you think about it too deeply.

All I want for Christmas is for people to like my Facebook page: