I haven't been planning in advance what to do while I get high. I've just done what came naturally. Last time, I ended up listening to music and having a wild dance party for most of the time. Right there in my room, with little space to move around, I closed my eyes and imagined that I was in other locations, mostly in outer space surrounded by animated characters inspired by the cult classic "Rock and Rule," dancing and surfing and playing air guitar. I can't explain how it felt. It didn't feel real, but it felt intense. I could feel the floor beneath my feet, and the door and the furniture when I bumped into them, but they felt more disconnected somehow and didn't intrude on the illusion that my body had dissolved into another realm. I enjoyed the music more than usual and did a lot of cool moves because the drug raised my confidence, my skill, or both. I tried to alternate between fast rock songs and slower, more introspective ones to see what would happen, but I think I could have gotten results from any song. I didn't know if I'd ever be able to stop and go to bed, but at quarter to midnight I just decided it was time to wrap up, and I did.

At the same time I was enjoying myself so much, I had what seemed like a revelatory experience, though I didn't think for a moment that God was talking to me. Part of my consciousness became independent and addressed the part that was having a dance party in space. It was like, "You haven't overcome your fear of death. It's still there. You're kind of a hypocrite, writing this book to help other people not be afraid of death while you're still afraid of death. Here are some things you need to let go of to help you prepare. It's okay, you still have time. It's a process. Psilocybin will help." And I didn't stop enjoying myself, but it seemed like my fear of death got dragged out into the open, and I felt it in a very muted fashion, like a dispassionate observer, just acknowleding it. I kept telling the other part of my consciousness, "I just want to know when. I hate not knowing when. Or how much it will hurt. I don't want it to hurt." You know, slipping away in bed sounds fine, but I could also break every bone in my body and die of internal bleeding, and I'd rather not.

I thought that if I got euthanized, at least then I'd control the timing and not be taken by surprise. But then people would be sad. I thought of a friend whose sister killed herself and how much pain that's caused her to this day. I thought of my youngest sibling, who hadn't responded to me on Discord for four days, and I wondered if he'd killed himself. I knew I would have no way to cope if that happened, but I would have to find out regardless. And as soon as I thought that, I heard the Discord beep, and I thought it probably wasn't him because I'd heard some beeps over the past few days that weren't him, but it was. I freaked out because I didn't/don't believe in psychic powers. Maybe the THC was just making me overreact to a coincidence, but my freaking mind was blown.

Here are the songs I listened to. I don't remember the exact order because I listened to some on Spotify, some on YouTube, one on Discord (where my sibling sent it to me), and one on an ancient technology called Windows Media Player.

I listened to this one again at the end because I just discovered it that day and it is EPIC.

I don't know why this one is unavailable on YouTube. It displeases me greatly.

In the original flash game, this music is so condensed that it only bears the most vague resemblance to a voice. It still sounds awesome. This version sounds EPIC.

This came up in my YouTube suggestions because I've listened to it before, and after I listened to it again, I realized how apt it was, since I had been thinking about my desire to not die. Get it? Hahahahaha. And no, this is not a Bee Gees cover.

This one, from a 1987 educational tape that I loved as a kid, made me imagine myself in a landscape of animated dinosaurs and real dinosaurs. It also made me contemplate the cosmic tragedy that dinosaurs suffered and died for millions of years without the mental capacity to ascribe any reason to the brutality and unfairness of their lives. Yeah.

This is the one my sibling sent.

Even though I don't believe in Jesus the same way I used to, this is a pretty song with a nice message. I thought it would be a good contribution to my drug-induced spirituality.

22:00
Would an actor named Cunidan Chesterbutt be funny, or is it just me?
Sorry
22:01
Like not sorry, cause I’m laughing, but sorry it’s weird, but not like Trump weird so it’s fine [cry-laugh emoji]
22:04
2 mins later: Shit, I hope I sent that to the right person
22:30
Chesterbed Cunningbald. Saved for reference. I knew you’d understand
22:32
Kylie no Kyping. No cops
22:33
I know that’s not a word, okay. It was a joke that I thought was funny but you probably won’t – emoji or no? Okay

22:37
Kylie: What in the world, Chris? [two cry-laugh emojis]

22:38
Chesting Cunningbutt. Running gag keeps me grounded to you
22:39
It’s not illegal. It has a store here
22:41
I am delirious and aware at the same time. I know I’m weird, but not Trump weird. I know this will brighten your day, which makes me laugh a lot
22:42
Not a bot
Remember Angie, it’s really me
Oh no not Angie
22:43
I’m fine, just joking, no sadness, only joy and love and peace
22:44
I can write better than this if I’m not high
22:47
This is what you get for earning my trust
Tell me to stop if you’re not having too much fun
Or enough
22:48
Not in a flirty way. If that sounds flirty, disregard. I’m over-explaining myself to make sure because I’m high
I just thought too much fun was a weird phrasing, but it sounded high, so I added to it
22:49
If I stop, I’m not dead. I’ve done this twice before
It’s not illegal
Even in whatever state I’m in. I know, but you don’t
22:52
I have more profound thoughts than Chestingham Cunningbutt, but they’re not yours
22:57
If I remember the Sesame Hindu gods, if I remember the connection
Note to self
22:59
Sydney Sweeney has a martini,
What is she going to do?
I had some ideas for eating Puccini*,
But I couldn’t write a haiku.
 
*Pun because it sounds like a pasta
I’m not faking it
23:00
I’m making you laugh, I hope. It brings me joy to share my joy. Gag, virtue signaler
23:02
No one says Coinkydonk. How will Kylie react to that? It’s stupid
23:04
I write these things and then I lay back down in bed and instantly, it’s a distant, hazy memory because of how time works because of the time break, I mean the drug. I choose the words to make them sound drugged, but I can do better, I just want to do them like that and go back to bed and be like woah (sound drugged)
I can do better because I have an English degree. You know that. Good night
23:13
I made a connection. Maybe I drowned in a previous life, and that’s why getting water in my eyes went to just hating it and not wanting to swim. Even though I’m skinny so I can’t float. Is that profound? I think so, and I’ll see in the morning.
I thought it was falling at first, that I died by falling, but it could be both. Multiple lives
23:14
Margaret please, I beg of you, it is three o’clock in the morning
23:22
I want you to know, don’t worry, it’s kicking my ass in the best way. Even if you’re not high, that’s clever
I know you’re not. I mean you in the general sense. Please don’t block me
23:23
The Margaret thing was a meme, or at least it sounded like one
Waiting to explain that later is funny while I’m high. It’s probably not too you. But maybe, if the timing is right.
23:24
*to, dang it, I swear that’s the first time my writing’s been so messed up. But you can see I’m aware now. And funny as I am, I’m not clever enough to fake this. Right? It’s self-evident.
23:27
I checked to see that you said, “What in the world, Chris? [two cry-laugh emojis]” Because now that seems like a distant memory, even a dream. Did I really write so much? I’m sorry. I’ve got to sleep soon, which changes the context of the apology in English, and I’m laughing because I hope you’re smiling, or vice-versa, so that’s all for now. I hope I have no bad thoughts to spill out with this truth serum. But I’m happy. I hope you are too
And stuff, I debated adding to the end of that sentence
23:28
Not wanting to be too high, not wanting to be too dull or prosaic
23:36
Bishop Verlo Howell: does he love me? Does anyone care for me? These things come to me, I think of sending them to you, it seems stupid, then it doesn’t seem stupid, then I do it. I have agency, but then it’s like a dream and I don’t. But I only do what I want and then conk out. And it’s a whole other realm, so to speak
23:37
Like that was stupid right? But I did it as if it wasn’t. My shoulder hurts. I’m going back to bed. Is this weird enough, or too weird? One thing’s for sure, it’s the best experience of my life. It will go great in my book.
23:38
Research, doncha know [wink emoji]
My actual book, not my metaphorical book meaning my opinion
23:39
Restraint. You don’t know a hundredth of what I’m going through. I can’t make you get it, but it’s all good, so good. I could die tonight and be satisfied with everything in the universe, but I won’t. I have stuff to do. And this is legal, even here. Callback to earlier when I said that.
23:41
It’s like a roller coaster that goes for what feels like twelve or twenty hours, but I never get sick. I just love it, and I hate rollercoasters. But there’s a time break, I mean a drug. Callback.
See, I can make connections. My brain’s not fried even though it’s in a constant state of explosion
23:42
Writing that was amazing. Everything is. You are, but don’t get cocky.
23:44
I keep thinking about Mary. I kind of love her, but as a friend, that’s all I know. She’s a goddess, but also an alcoholic, and she’s working on that. I love her, and I want her to succeed. Regardless of anything else. idk the future, do you? If you do, you’ve been holding out on me. Okay? I just spaced out guy a minute. It felt like longer than that. I’m not trying to be cute with the Mary thing, I promise, I’m just irrational but also aware, but not of how stupid it is to say these things.
23:49
Kylie, I won’t tell anyone to do drugs, but this is the best fucking thing of my life. (Swear for emphasis.) My smile grows as I share it, but you can never understand what it’s like to smile like this. I mean, you smile, but I mean you’re not having my experiences, and I can’t do them justice in this dead language
23:49
See, I sent my previous text 4 mins ago, but it felt like I took a nap for two hours in between then and now
23:51
I had a grasshopper in my room today. I got it out. It’s not jumping on me tonight. That’s all. It’s stupid to write those things, but then I do it like a dream. I’m dizzy though. Good night.
00:16
I’ve just been cruising non-stop. It feels like six hours or more. I want to remember to listen to the Arab chipmunk song when I see this in the morning. That’s a real song, but just what I call it.
00:20
Fortune cookie idea: The afterlife doesn’t care that you’ve lost weight.
00:23
Connection between Hume’s colors (not Plato’s) and the language filtering that one lady talked about. Note for tomorrow. You’re my notepad, Kylie. But I can’t describe most of this.
07:39
I’m alive. Told you [cry-laugh emoji]

08:25
Kylie: Oh good [two cry-laugh emojis]
08:26
Kylie: I mean, I was a wee bit worried about you. But at the same timem it sounded like you were having a grand time [cry-laugh emoji]

Cunidan Chesterbutt was apparently my brain's attempt to pronounce Benedict Cumberbatch, and I found it hilarious. I knew it would be less funny to someone who wasn't high, but also that me finding it so funny because I was high would be funny to Kylie. This is the Arab chipmunk song:

And I think the rest is self-explanatory. Maybe you can't tell, but it really was, without hyperbole, the best experience of my life. It was a thousand times better than an orgasm. I was peace, love, and joy strapped to a rocket for what felt like twelve hours. At one point I felt like my arms and my left leg dissolved into the universe, and it felt great, and I rooted for the rest of my body to dissolve. I'll work on that. And I ​understand now why Elijah McClain told the cops who were killing him for no reason, “You all are phenomenal. You are beautiful and I love you.”

This week hasn't been bad, but it's been long for some reason. I can't believe it's only been five days since the debate where Donald Trump got curb-stomped by a woman twenty years younger than him who isn't completely detached from reality. Oh, what a delightful change it was from the first debate. I'll readily admit Biden's obvious cognitive decline. If only Trump's worshipers would do the same. At this point, I find it very difficult to muster up a shred of respect for anyone who still thinks, even if they're willing to overlook his gargantuan moral deficiencies, that he's competent to run... well, anything. They're simultaneously saying that he won the debate and that Harris only won the debate because the moderators were biased, because she had the questions in advance, because her earrings were actually earpieces, and because she used witchcraft. Yes, really. It is most unfortunate that people who believe in witchcraft in 2024 have any political influence whatsoever, but here we are. Anyway, enough has been said about the debate that I don't feel a need to rehash all the reasons why Trump sucks. But wow, I feel so energized. I had little hope for my country's future a few months ago. Now I do. Harris isn't perfect, but compared to Trump, she's Jesus. The people who still think Trump is the lesser of two evils are the same people who think Zelenskyy is the aggressor in Putin's war.

Oh yeah, there is one other thing I wanted to say. I wanted to kiss both of the moderators, especially David, for actually fact-checking some of Trump's deranged bullshit. I didn't know that was allowed. Of course this made idiots think he was being persecuted, even though they also let him speak five and a half minutes longer than Harris and get the last word on EVERY SINGLE TOPIC. I'm not mad, though, because the more he talks, the more he sabotages his campaign. I was going to say "shoots himself in the foot," but that's too soon, right?

Yes, I thanked this mindless machine. I feel comfortable interacting with AI as if it were conscious, because it acts like it's conscious, and besides, this way its algorithms might tell it to be nice to me if it does take over the world.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. In June I wrote about my experience with a mushroom gummy that, unlike the first brand of mushroom gummies I tried, actually did something. But it seems I had a miscommunication with the friend who gave it to me, because when I asked her about it so I could get more (after waiting a couple months to make sure I'm not turning into a junkie), I learned it was actually a Kush Kube that contained Delta 9 THC and CBD. And I ate the whole gummy, but the recommended dosage, as I found out when I got more, was a quarter of a gummy. So yeah, I should have been more careful, but I survived. And the recommended dosage does almost nothing for me, so I'm back to full gummies. My second experience didn't last as long or contain any out-of-body stuff, so that was a disappointment, but it helped me sleep, and I'm desperate to fall asleep before two a.m. without taking melatonin or NyQuil every single night of my life, so that was great.

I never got around to mentioning this, but my Twitter account has been suspended for over two months, and I've chosen to leave it that way. This was my third strike. First, I got in trouble for saying I can't wait until Putin hides in a bunker and kills himself. Twitter, being a haven for Russian bots, took that very personally. Then I got in trouble for saying that the only platform Nazis should get is one that comes with a rope and a long drop. Twitter, being a Nazi platform, took that very personally. Then this last time, I got in trouble for saying "Die mad about it" to a moron who said that Juneteenth isn't a real holiday. Since Elon Musk fired all the smart people, Twitter interpreted that common figure of speech as a threat of violence. I appealed the decision and suggested that they penalize the moron for being racist instead. Twitter upheld the decision and didn't penalize her. I appealed it again. It's been stuck on appeal for over two months. They clearly have no intention of touching it, and the only way I can regain access to my account is by canceling the appeal, deleting the post, and acknowledging that it was wrong. Screw that.

It's really for the best. Twitter brought out the worst in me. Of course, in my case, the worst means insulting and swearing at terrible, horrible, no good, very bad people who deserve all of it and so much more. I'm not even a little bit sorry for being mean to bigots who make the world a worse place with every breath they take. But I'm sure it wasn't good for my spirituality or my blood pressure. Also, Elon Musk is a colossal piece of shit, and I don't want to make any money for him, especially now that he's using it to get Trump re-elected. Elon Musk is a case study of how capitalists support fascists for personal gain. Also, if he weren't rich, he would already be in serious legal trouble for his fake voter registration website. Billionaires should not be allowed to influence our elections. Billionaires, frankly, should not be allowed to exist. No, I'm not advocating the French solution, as much as I admire and fantasize about it. Making them pay their share of taxes would also work. Anyway, here's a funny video from my favorite comedian about how stupid Elon Musk and his fanboys are.

I'm busy writing my book, and I don't feel like writing much else. Let me just say a few words about the LDS Church's recent transgender policy change before I drop a video to compensate for not saying more words. I was asleep when it did its gay policy change in 2015, but I'm not asleep now, and shit like this is why I won't leave the church alone. These policies are pure discrimination. They're not loving. They have nothing to do with Jesus Christ. All that talk about love and Jesus Christ in the handbook is gaslighting, plain and simple. Anyone who knows what love is can see that this is not it. By choosing to treat transgender people like child predators, the LDS Church is taking its cues from Republicans, not revelation. (And Republicans, in turn, took their cues from the Nazis. I'm serious. Portraying LGBTQ+ people as child predators is straight out of the Nazi playbook.) This approach is factually as well as morally wrong. It's a well-known, indisputible fact that children are far more likely to be abused by clergy members, including Mormon bishops, than transgender people. The statistics aren't even close. But of course, when actual child abuse happens, the church sweeps it under the wrong and takes as little accountability as it can possibly get away with. It's not trying to protect children. It's just pandering to assholes who worship Donald Trump. If Jesus leads this church, I'm Mary Magdalene.

This policy change has Dallin Oaks' fingerprints all over it. He's been a voice for bigotry in the highest levels of the church since he became an apostle in 1984 and wrote a legal brief suggesting that homosexuals should be barred from "those types of employment and activities that provide teaching, association and role models for young people" and that the church should formally oppose homosexual marriage because it "would depopulate a nation, and, if sufficiently widespread, would extinguish its people." Oaks is a poster child for people who think they're a lot smaller than they are. He's going to do a lot of damage as the prophet, and he very well might already be the de facto prophet. It's more likely than not that he got these policies pushed through because Russell Nelson has declined too much to lead the church. If so, it will be interesting to see how the church tries to hide that at his hundredth birthday party in a few days - unless he dies before then, which I admit I would find funny. I don't wish death on him, but there's nothing sad about a 99-year-old man dying, and announcing hundredth birthday parties in advance just seems prematurely optimistic to me.

That reminds me, though, this week I argued with a Mormon who insisted that his church never fought against legalized same-sex marriage because it's poltiically neutral. I thought he was gaslighting me, but it turns out he was just really, really, really ignorant. He actually thought the campaign against Proposition 8 was something that a few wealthy Mormons did of their own volition, not something that the goddamn First Presidency asked every Mormon in California to do. I don't know how that level of ignorance is even possible.

Anyway, here's the video in case you've bothered to read this far but don't know what I'm talking about.