I neglected to mention last time that as of the day after Labor Day, I have now worked at Jenson Online for a year. It went by faster than my less than four months at the call center. My worst day here (Valentine's Day, when none of my equipment was working right and there was a new quality control guy who was stupidly strict and I felt like I was being eaten alive all day) was better than most days there. I can't say all days there because I did enjoy doing surveys for the Office of Medicare Hearings and Appeals, and near Independence Day we had a picnic. But mostly it sucked so I always try to remember and be grateful for what I have now. I feel that it's like a marriage. You start out all excited and happy and in love, but as the months and years go by the novelty wears off and the more mundane realities of life set in and take over, and you need to make a proactive effort to remember how blessed you are and how wonderful your spouse is. But I'm not married so I wouldn't know that for a fact. There's a Facebook page called USU Memes that doesn't really do anything anymore, but during my freshman year when I discovered it, around the same time I discovered what memes are, it posted a lot of stuff. I made a few of my own and shared them to the page, and now I feel like sharing them again because what else am I supposed to do here? I couldn't find them, so I recreated them from memory. If there were more I've forgotten about them. Like, every other week it was broken again. One time there was a note that said: "Seriously guys? If the elevator won't go down, you do not jump on the floor to make it go down. This is why we can't have nice things." That was the first time I'd heard the expression "This is why we can't have nice things" and I thought he was being original. But this story has a happy ending! After I stood there silently for a couple minutes, she noticed her mistake. Christian Thrapp was his name. He became USUSA president. I wish he were USA president too, because I'm 99% sure he'd be more qualified than our current tool. This was by far my most popular contribution and Christian himself was quite pleased with it. Here is my take on the wedding cake thing that everybody, by which I mean nobody, was asking for. First of all, it's quite annoying that people keep misrepresenting what the issue actually is, claiming that the businesses in question are "refusing to serve gay people". As if they make prospective customers fill out a survey on their sexual orientation and then refuse to sell any goods or services to the gay ones. In reality, they are merely declining to provide goods and services for a specific ceremony that violate their religious beliefs. To my knowledge, every one of them is perfectly willing to serve these same customers under any other circumstances, and has done so. Now from a fairness point of view, both sides have a compelling argument. But from a legal point of view, it appears to me that the businesses have it hands down. The First Amendment protects their religious practice as well as belief. It doesn't include a caveat that says "only in church" or "unless you own a business" or "unless your beliefs are deemed to be discriminatory". The Fourteenth Amendment that many people have fallaciously cited refers only to the State, and says literally not one word about citizens or privately owned businesses. Many people who have never looked at the Constitution don't seem to realize that it actually tells the government what it can and can't do, not the citizens. I'm not sure why a constitutional right that actually exists (practicing your religion) is now considered to be trumped by one that doesn't (getting cake/flowers/whatever from whichever business you want). Myself, I would have no problem serving a same-sex wedding because I really couldn't care less, just like I would provide birth control for employees, and of course this is all very hypothetical because I don't anticipate ever owning a business or being able to bake a cake. But I don't believe the government has any right to coerce anyone else to if it violates their conscience. Just like it has no right to force anyone to buy there. If you think they're being discriminatory, take your business elsewhere. Why would you want to give money to people you hate anyway? Also, this is a thing that happened: a teenager with Down syndrome confronted German chancellor Angela Merkel over the fact that nine of ten German babies with Down syndrome are aborted. I thought Germany was super paranoid about not letting anything resembling Nazi stuff happen ever again, but here it is embracing eugenics again. Herpa derp derp. FiredanceMy family used to have a VHS tape (ask your parents what that is) of Riverdance that my sister watched all the time. I made fun of her for watching it all the time but secretly liked it. Shhhh. This was my favorite part and it still is. The good bit starts about 1:49, but it isn't the same without the buildup. Then about 3:22 (SPOILER ALERT) Michael Flatley comes along like "A powerful, independent woman? I must put her in her place." And then he's like, "You can twirl around? That's cute. I literally have the fastest feet in the world." As a kid this part where they stare each other down made me think of taming a tiger. Unfortunately, this video omits the bit at the end where he kisses her on the cheek and they walk off stage with their arms around each other. That's how every mixed-sex battle for supremacy should end.
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Although we're only supposed to get books delivered at work, we get all kinds of other junk too. Sometimes I find interesting clothes and put them on as a desperate cry for attention, like so: This week someone handed me a bra. I had some difficulty putting it on because it wasn't like the one I wore in Spain eight years ago. This one had a clasp in the front and went on like a backpack. And I immediately found this clasp to be rather irritating. I realized later that it was probably because I had a shirt underneath and it was pressing the fabric into my skin, but at the time I thought maybe this was normal and that wearing it was perhaps, in all seriousness, an opportunity to empathize with the opposite sex. I was just listening to Madonna's "What it Feels Like for a Girl" earlier that day, too. "But secretly, you'd love to know what it's like, wouldn't you?" she asked. No, I thought, believe it or not I'm okay with not knowing what menstruation and childbirth feel like. But this I could handle. I found a blouse and put that on over it to preserve my modesty. Eventually Dory came along and said, "I like your shirt." Because that's what she called my blouse. For some reason I know more about female clothing than she does. I said, "That's not all I've got," and showed her my bra. She said, "I feel like I've just been sexually harassed." And it took some fast talking to get out of that one. At the end of the day, I had to throw my clothes away because we aren't allowed to take anything out of the warehouse. And wouldn't you know it, the clasp of my bra got stuck. I asked Dory to help me open it. She laughed at me and refused. This experience just goes to show that when you get into sticky situations, you find out who your real friends aren't. School has started once again for those people who are in school, and with it comes a new wave of recruits for the USUSA Game Design Club. Twenty-three males and one female*, because the first thing I learned in college is that most stereotypes exist because they're true. During the two hours when I manned the booth by myself, I wasn't able to show the game demos we've created because Unity won't work on my computer for some reason, so it was kind of lame and hopefully that means we only got the really dedicated people. The game I'm most excited about is our as-yet-unnamed pizza platformer, which we hopefully will now have the resources to expand into something ambitious. I came up with the plot and wrote a script some time ago for opening cutscenes that we haven't made but hopefully will at some point, and I'm going to copy-paste it here now because I still don't feel like writing much. *I didn't actually ask, so this ratio may be a little off, but I'm sure it's a good approximation. Pizza Platformer Opening CutscenesCutscene: secret lair of the Corporation for Arbitrary, Lascivious, Zany, Offensive, and Nefarious Enterprises (CALZONE) Leader: I have gathered you all here for a most important matter. As we all know – Henchman: If we all know it, why do we need to go over it again? Leader glares at Henchman, then pushes a button. A trapdoor opens under Henchman and he disappears. Henchman: Aaaah! My spleen! Leader: As we all know, the Preservers of All Sources of Truth and Affection (PASTA) have foiled our evil plans over and over again, and gone around doing nice things instead, and now they've tightened security and are transmitting their plans in a new code. Our spies inform us that one of these coded messages is hidden in a box of pizza at Papa Giovanni's Pizza Paradise, waiting for their agents to pick it up. We must intercept that pizza, break the code, and figure out what they're plotting. Another Henchman: But boss, they must have dozens of pizzas. How will we know – Leader: The same way they will. It has peas and mayonnaise on it. No one else would order that! Henchmen say things like “Hahaha!” and “Ew, yuck!” Henchman in trapdoor: Can I come out now? Cutscene: Papa Giovanni's Pizza Paradise A few hours later... Jon (on phone): Buon giorno, Papa Giovanni's Pizza Paradise! What-a can I a-do for you on this-a fine-a day? (pause) Jon: Special order? No problema! We make-a the special for you just right, no? (pause) Jon: Si... si... Mama mia, that's-a what you want? Molto bene, that comes-a to nineteen ninety-nine with-a the tax, and we have it for you in thirty minutes or it's-a on us! Grazie! Ciao! He hangs up. Jon: Annie! Get your stupid kiester in here right now! These pizzas ain't going to deliver themselves! Anne Chovi (Annie) runs in from the kitchen. Annie: Yes, I mean no, sir. How many? Jon: We just got another freak calling in for peas and mayonnaise pizza, so that makes an even ten. Jon puts the gross pizza on the counter next to nine others. Annie: Oh good, I love round numbers. But didn't those guys earlier ask us to save this one for them? Jon: Like they'll know the difference! This other address is thirty blocks away and we're already running behind! I'll make another one. And so help me, you'd better get these all delivered on time this time or you're out of here, capische?? Annie: I'm right on it. Annie stacks the pizzas with the gross one on the bottom, takes them in one arm, heads to the door, and pauses. Annie: Love you, dad. Jon: *grunt* Cutscene: outside Annie gets into the delivery van and starts to drive away. After just a few feet it sputters and comes to a halt. Annie: Aw shitake mushrooms, not again! Good thing I have strong legs... She gets out and goes offscreen on foot. A moment later, two spies pop up inside the dumpster. Spy 1: There she goes with the gross pizza! We'd better grab it! Spy 2: Yeah! But wait, which one is it? Spy 1: Um... I don't know! We'd better grab them all! Spy 2: Yeah! Spy 1 stares at him. Spy 1: Is that... tomato sauce on your chin? Spy 2: Maybe... Spy 1 looks down in the dumpster. Spy 1: Have you been... eating out of here? Spy 2: Maybe... Title Screen: Anne Chovi in GIVE PIZZA CHANCE Also, Annie's dad's full name is Jon Bon Chovi. And just today I decided she should have some kind of animal sidekick named Pizzachew. That's a pun on Pikachu (I'm not sure how obvious that is because my pun on "Give peace a chance" went over the club president's head). And at some point we want to have a sewer level with Samurai Salamanders instead of Ninja Turtles. That part wasn't my idea but it's still a good one. Pogo - There You ArePogo, one of my favorite artists, is best known for sampling dialogue and other audio bits from movies, TV shows, speeches, etc. to make nonsensical but ridiculously catchy tunes. But this relatively recent one is just him singing with his voice pitched up, and it's so beautiful I sometimes listen to it twice or thrice in a row. Last week I finally looked up the lyrics and realized he was saying "Wanna melt the ice" instead of "What a lovely ice", a mishearing that had been a source of some confusion for me. These items are presented in the opposite of chronological order because I think they flow better that way. If you clicked on this post because of its provocative title, congratulations! To myself, I mean. Because my ploy worked. Befriending a Fake ProstituteI've felt for a few years now that prostitutes are actually people. It all started when I included one as a minor character in my novel "Space Girls". Originally she was just there as a symbol of how depraved Earthling society had become by 2153, but then I decided to enlarge her role just a bit with hopes and dreams and a bit of a character arc. Then, since her introduction is from the POV of an alien arriving on Earth for the first time who has no idea what she's talking about, I realized during a revision that she shouldn't be referred to as a "prostitute" at all, and now she isn't. I like her as a character and would gladly be her friend if she were real, and I would gladly be friends with any real prostitute that I happen to encounter in real life. I'd try to persuade her to change her ways, of course. "Roxanne -" I'd say. "Will you stop calling me that?" she'd interrupt. "My name is Katie." "Right, Katie, you should come work at Jenson Online instead. I've worked there since September and I love it so much that I may never leave. You get to see all kinds of interesting books, you get to listen to music the whole time (unless you're driving a forklift, which is awesome in and of itself), they give you food once a week, and they do monthly drawings where you can get gift cards and stuff. I heard they're hiring a bunch of people right now. You should apply and send your resume to waco@jensononline.com." "Okay," she'd say. But I don't want to be friends with a fake prostitute who doesn't exist. That's where I draw the line. So the dozens of Facebook requests I've received from them in the last month or so have gotten to be pretty dang annoying. I have accepted requests from people I don't know, with no mutual friends, and I've met some great people that way and that, for example, is how I got invested in Entebbe Alpha & Omega Development Organization Uganda. But I only did so when I was reasonably certain that they were real people. I'm honestly a bit insulted that someone or some computer program thinks I'm stupid enough to believe that dozens of scantily clad women looking for sex live in my city and have all decided to join Facebook this month. Or even one, really. And who says I'm into that sort of thing, anyway? If someone did, they were grossly mistaken. But I did recognize that either the women in the profile pictures were real women, or CG humans have already advanced dramatically since "Rogue One". Where did the pictures come from? I Google Imaged one from a profile named Dakota Donna Merritt and found that it originally came from woman not named Dakota Donna Merrett, on a social media site I'd never heard of. I assume the rest of them are a similar story of theft. But they'd worn me down by this point. I was tired of clicking "Delete Request" and "Mark as Spam" almost every day, and thought maybe I could try having some fun instead. I was inspired by a woman I recently read about who severely trolled a Nigerian scammer. I accepted Dakota Donna Merrett's request and messaged "her" to see what would happen. Alas, I don't have a hilarious story to share about that because the only thing that happened was that "she" deleted "her" account. So much potential wasted. I was already thinking of additional things to say. If she just didn't answer then I would have messaged her again every day until I got tired of it. I would have started off, "Oh, did I come on too strong? I'm sorry. It's just, I can see in your eyes that you're really intelligent and I would love to have a thoughtful discussion with you." And if "she" asked me to click on "her" link that would probably destroy my computer, I would have said, "Sorry, I'm asexual and also Mormon. How much do you know about Mormons? Would you like to know more?" Arguing with a JackassI've done so much better at not getting into fruitless arguments with strangers on the internet. It used to be arguably my biggest vice, which is saying a lot. The last major incident that I remember was chronicled on this very blog in December 2015. On that occasion, I screenshotted the whole thing and didn't bother to blur Mike Poole's name because he didn't deserve it. This time, I won't go to the trouble because there wasn't that much to it in the first place, and if anyone doubts my version of events then I don't actually care. This is for posterity. Last weekend, Apostle Dale G. Renlund gave a Q&A broadcast to LDS youth throughout Africa. Then the Salt Lake Tribune ran an article about it, and the excerpt they chose as a blurb for the Facebook post was this: "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints did not begin sending missionaries to black Africa until 1978, when the Utah-based faith ended a long-standing ban on ordaining black men and boys to its all-male priesthood and excluding black women from entering its temples." I didn't mind them having this historical information in the article, despite it having literally nothing whatsoever to do with the actual story, but putting it as the blurb when it has literally nothing whatsoever to do with the story was just a pathetic, shameful display of the Tribune's bias that I've come to depend on. Obviously one can be forgiven for finding this ban disturbing - not just at face value, but even more so for how poorly understood, inconsistently applied, and racistly rationalized it was from the very beginning. I found it so disturbing that I spent years grappling with it. I read and watched everything I could about it, pro-LDS, anti-LDS, source documents whenever possible. I'm confident that there are very few people in the world who have read and watched as much about it as I have, and that the historical overview I compiled in the process is the most extensive and thorough one ever published. I even had that on my resume for a while, but took it off because no one seemed to care. And I know most people have neither the need nor the desire to read that much about it, but for those who do, I've made it super convenient. You're welcome. So it's pretty cute when critics who haven't studied this topic a hundredth as much as I have purport to lecture me on it, telling me things that a. I already know or b. simply aren't true. In a reply to a comment I referred to the priesthood ban as "a policy that ended nearly 40 years ago", and then a condescending jackass named Brandon Trujillo took it upon himself to educate me. "Christopher Randall Nicholson, policy? Oh my dear child... Policy?" he said. "Try foundational doctrine that will never change and was received by direct revelation to the Prophets and first presidency. See for yourself, the OFFICIAL correspondence between Nelson Lowry and the first presidency. From the archives of Utah State University. So who is lying? The Prophets then, or the Prophets now?" I didn't want to bother trying to answer his accusation poorly disguised as a question, as I don't accept the assumption loaded into it. But contrary to his assumption, this "dear child" has not only read the correspondence between Nelson Lowry and the First Presidency multiple times but included every word of it in my historical overview. As unpalatable as it is, and I won't downplay that, it doesn't say what he thinks it says. This is a little prideful of me, but I wish I could have seen his face when he realized he had picked the wrong Mormon to patronize. Of course he just dismissed my "little write-up", which I'm sure he didn't actually read that quickly unless he has literally nothing else to do with his time, as having "spewed the same apologists [sic] talking points that all the others before you have" and reiterated his "question" without engaging with anything in it. This is a pretty consistent theme among those who claim to be critical thinkers while their opponents are brainwashed. To use his own words back at him, "Someone in wilful [sic] denial of facts isn't exactly someone I expect to have any meaningful conversation with." The priesthood ban was ended by a revelation to LDS Church president and prophet Spencer W. Kimball after years of prayer. (A previous president, David O. McKay, also prayed for such a revelation but got a negative response. Nonetheless, he did everything in his power to reduce the ban's scope.) Critics who don't accept the veracity of this revelation insist that the Church just caved to social or political pressure. But unfortunately for them, the facts don't line up with this hypothesis by any stretch of the imagination. Aside from a couple incidents, pressure over this issue evaporated after 1970. Therefore an astonishing number of critics have resorted to parroting the barefaced lie that the federal government was threatening to revoke the LDS Church's tax-exempt status. This time around I saw a less common but equally false variation: that the ACLU was threatening a lawsuit. Of course I don't let such things stand unchallenged when I see it, and of course it does no good because they aren't concerned about truth. Don't tell me to "check my facts" when I call you out for making crap up, Donna Kani. The burden of proof is on you. Actually, one can deny the veracity of the revelation without appealing to non-existent external factors. It's no secret that the LDS Church was trying to expand into black Africa, especially West Africa where tens of thousands of people had read LDS literature, become converted and started meeting in unofficial congregations while waiting for someone to come baptize them; or that it was about to dedicate a temple in Brazil where an extensive history of race mixing would make it essentially impossible to screen out members with African ancestry. The latter item is one of the things that critics like Paul Savallion wrongly assume I don't know, and the former is one of the things they don't want to know. Of course, internal factors like this raise the question of why the ban wasn't lifted years earlier. Haven't the church leaders always wanted more converts, or tithing payments depending on how cynical you are? Why would they shoot themselves in the foot by not letting that happen? It's almost as if their hands were tied because they sincerely believed they needed a revelation to do so... but nah. A couple months afterward, non-Mormon scholar of Mormonism Jan Shipps wrote, "Despite the persuasiveness of this interpretation, the June 9 revelation will never be fully understood if it is regarded simply as a pragmatic doctrinal shift ultimately designed to bring Latter-day Saints into congruence with mainstream America. The timing and context, and even the wording of the revelation itself, indicate that the change has not to do with America so much as with the world... Predicting the impact of the June 9 revelation on the growth pattern of the Church would be risky. But the fact that this revelation came in the context of worldwide evangelism rather than domestic politics or American social and cultural circumstances is yet another indication that Mormonism can no longer be regarded as a 19th-century religio-cultural artifact and dismissed as a footnote to the story of American religion. Mormonism is here to stay. Where did it come from? And more important, how and why is it growing at such a rapid pace?" Some African-American Mormons are very bothered by the priesthood ban while others don't seem to care much at all. African Mormons, who mostly don't share their heritage of racial prejudice from white people within their own countries, by and large don't care much at all - and yes they do know about it, despite the insistence of critics that because they don't have as much internet access they're cut off from the rest of the world and kept in ignorance of "the truth" about Mormonism. It's pretty common knowledge even if the nitty gritty details aren't. The thousands who waited for baptism in the 1960s knew about it somehow - it's almost as if they had other ways of disseminating information - and didn't care. Modern members know because it's mentioned in the Doctrine and Covenants (canonized scripture), a Gospel Topics essay that's now required reading for all institute of religion students, and sometimes in church talks and articles. So I don't think they need white people in Utah to feign self-righteous outrage on their behalf over a policy that ended nearly forty years ago. Oh, what's that, Carol Clayton? Donny Osmond was asked about the priesthood ban in a television interview shortly before it was lifted? I had no idea whatsoever that such a thing ever happened. Which makes me wonder how a YouTube clip of it got embedded in my my historical overview. Sistas in Zion - Lord, I PrayA song with some relevance to one of the topics of the post, because I like to do that occasionally. This video is also embedded in my historical overview. I'm actually not crazy about it, but I like the theme, obviously. "'Normal' American men are homophobic, afraid of close friendships with other men. The moment we begin to feel warmly toward another man, the 'homosexual' panic button gets pressed. It makes us nervous to see French or Italian men strolling down the street arm in arm. Must be queer! From a cross-cultural perspective it is we who are odd; close male friendship is the norm in most societies and is usually considered a more important source of intimacy than romantic relationships... We need same-sex friends because there are types of validation and acceptance that we receive only from our gender-mates. There is much about our experience as men that can only be shared with, and understood by, other men. There are stories we can tell only to those who have wrestled in the dark with the same demons and been wounded by the same angels. Only men understand the secret fears that go with the territory of masculinity." - Sam Keen, Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man, 174-75 "I know you're not comfortable hanging out with guys because you don't want people to think you're gay, but really, hanging out with girls all the time is what will make people think that." - Kami Wilson, personal conversation This partially explains why I consciously chose to bring a guy friend to my work's movie night. The other reasons are that he's been nice to me so I wanted to be nice to him, and I wanted to make sure it didn't end up being misconstrued as a date despite following that formula to the letter besides the gender thing. But whether because of how our culture has evolved in just a few years or increased confidence on my part, I no longer care one iota whether people think I'm gay. As awful as this may be, sometimes I almost wish they did because I feel like they'd pay more attention to me. I decided, in fact, that if anyone that night asked about that guy, I would introduce him as my boyfriend. I knew he would have gotten a kick out of that. Sadly, no one did because they only cared about themselves. The movie was "Spider-Man: Homecoming". It was only the second Marvel movie I've ever seen, the first being "Thor: Dark World", and I liked it much better. I mean, the other one had Natalie Portman in it, so that was a few hundred points in its favor, but it wasn't nearly as funny or easy to follow. Of course I was still lost on a few things in this one because it's interconnected with all the other ones but after the first ten minutes or so it was self-contained enough. Unfortunately, I can't take movies very seriously anymore since binge-watching CinemaSins, so I often catch myself thinking things like "That's racist." "Roll credits." and "Sixty-six seconds of ------- logos." Since I've already betrayed my ignorance, I feel no further shame in asking, does Spider-Man have super strength in addition to his climbing and web shooting abilities? I ask because I felt like every bone in his body should have been broken a few times over by the end. If he does have super strength, that seems like kind of a cop-out because that's not a spider power. Spiders can, like all bugs, fall or be thrown insane distances without injury, but that's because their small size results in ten times greater air resistance than driving force. So it wouldn't work for Peter, is what I'm saying. Then yesterday I went on my own initiative to see "Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie" because it's in the cheap theater now. I read all the books as a kid and have skimmed through them a bit as an adult encountering them again at work, and they really are more clever and sophisticated than one would expect. Dav Pilkey is a legitimately funny writer who apparently just stoops to lowbrow humor to trick kids into reading. His ploy has worked magnificently. And ironically, because this movie has no sexual content (unless I just didn't notice it because I'm so innocent), it's far more appropriate for children than any other Dreamworks movie I can think of. Seriously, if I had kids I wouldn't let them watch most of that garbage. Also, the theme song is by "Weird Al" Yankovic, my favorite artist of all time, so I think I have to buy the soundtrack just for that. He also did a parody of "Piano Man" about the first Spider-Man movie back in 2002, which I've never seen and don't need to thanks to his plot summary. I haven't seen "Wonder Woman" either. Shame on me. I just don't watch a lot of movies. In a case of truth being stranger than fiction, her current status as a feminist icon is not an ironic re-contextualization, but faithful to her origins. I don't remember if I read it somewhere or it just seemed like a no-brainer, but I had assumed that the males who created her in 1941 did so as fanservice for male comic book readers. Nope! She was a feminist icon all along! Except that the psychologist who created her had a strange way of expressing it by having her getting constantly tied up (which previously I assumed was part of the aforementioned fanservice). I feel like some psychologists need psychologists. Then in the 1970s she became a "real" feminist as she still remains today. I just learned all of this just now while undergoing the thorough research that is the hallmark of every blog post I write. This is so obvious I'm sure it's been suggested many times before, but the superhero I really want to see is Captain Canada. A superhero who drives a bulletproof Zamboni, uses a curling broom as a bo staff, and apologizes whenever he hits a villain. I can say these things because I'm practically half-Canadian after breathing their air, drinking their water and watching their broadcasting corporation during my formative years. His arch-nemesis would be Captain Quebec, his jerkface brother who has always grown up in his shadow and takes great pains to demonstrate his independence and differentiate himself. He's petty and callous and amoral and often says bad words in French that the MPAA just lets slide because they're in French. I can say these things because one of my best friends is Quebecois and she finds it funny. Yes, Marie still exists even though I haven't mentioned her in a while. I should have written about how, a couple months ago, she was rear-ended by an idiot teenager, which totaled her car and exacerbated her scoliosis. She's been in near-constant severe pain since then, facing significant medical expenses and losing money from missed work. And here, despite being petty and callous and amoral in most of my conversations with her, she has shown her true colors. If this had happened to me, I would be consumed with rage 24/7. But she's just shrugged it off and kept chugging like a champ. Wow. So the other night she was tormenting me as I kept making stupid spelling mistakes for some reason. The first two were "mayke" (make) and "messager" (message) and they are not included in the following screenshots because that part of the conversation is classified. But I share these screenshots to teach myself humility. Mackenzie finally read the last post about her and gave me the only feedback that really matters. Until she mentioned it, I assumed she had opted for a "don't ask, don't tell" and just hoped she wasn't upset. I never know when she's going to be upset. "Kid", she called me, even though we're basically the same age. the great Luke Ski - Peter ParkerBecause it's catchy. FeedbackThe follow-up story I heard from Clara last week was that she spent all day one day reading my blog, and then her roommate and some friends came over in the evening to go somewhere and she was like "I can't, I'm reading this" and they were like "Reading what?" and she read some out loud for them and then they all stayed in reading it instead of going somewhere. So she and three other people were gushing about it to me and all I could do was blush and say thank you and then brag about it on my blog which they will undoubtedly read again and create a vicious cycle. It was probably the second most flattering reaction I've ever gotten to my writing; the first, which will be difficult to top, was when Emily squealed like a twelve year old meeting Justin Bieber when I handed her a draft of a short story to read. It was this story, which I don't think is that good but oh well. Anyway, Clara's only complaint was that she didn't like the Rammstein song I posted because it was too "yelly". I had to explain to her that she's racist because that's just what German people sound like. Also, I had to email the bishop about some stuff that's been going on in the ward with a certain individual that I've turned a blind eye to for too long, and I put a lot of effort into this email because it needed to include all the pertinent details and for all I know it might show up on MormonLeaks someday. I wrote it out as a narrative, organized chronologically overall but also subdivided by topic so as to give it more coherence, with thoughtfully chosen words and strategically placed paragraph breaks. So the next day, the same day the bishop and one of his counselors both not only thanked me for sharing this issue with them, but also remarked on how well-written it was. Because it's obviously confidential you'll just have to take my/their word for it. Would I lie to you? Also this. Other HappeningsOkay, so looking back through my old posts I saw three blank lines in this space. I don't remember what I originally wrote and I have no idea what happened to it. This is annoying for me personally and a heart-wrenching loss for future historians and biographers. Auralnauts - Darth TrumpOne day it came to my attention that Coworker Jess, for obscure reasons beyond my comprehension, is not Drumpf's biggest fan. I don't know what's not to like about such an intelligent and morally upstanding guy, but I try to find common ground with everyone so I was like "Have you seen this video called 'Darth Trump'? It's a bunch of scenes from Star Wars with Darth Vader's voice dubbed over by Trump quotes." And she said she would watch it, but she forgot, and that set the pattern for the next few months. It really isn't even that good to justify the hype that was getting built up over this timer period, but eventually she gave herself an ultimatum and swore on her life that she would watch it. Hoping she understood the gravity of such a commitment, I asked, "Are you saying that if you don't watch it, I'm supposed to kill you?" She said that's exactly what she was saying. She forgot again. This put me in a very awkward position because, as much as I've wanted to sometimes, I've never killed anyone on purpose. Don't ask about the other instances because my lawyer has advised me not to discuss them at this time. But, you know, she made a vow with full understanding of what she was getting into and now for the sake of her own honor I was obligated to help her go through with it. I already failed years ago to break my friend Cece's pinkies after she forgot to fulfill a pinky promise, so she lost her honor, and I didn't want to make a mistake like that ever again. But I chickened out and gave her another day even though I shouldn't have. This time she had the brilliant idea to put a reminder in her phone, and she remembered to watch it, and I asked if it had been worth the wait and she said "Yeah, but actually I've never seen Star Wars, so a lot of it went over my head, but it was still good though." Oh. Okay then. The video is from December 2015, long before Drumpf became the nominee, and seems to treat his campaign as an ill-fated joke. After how events have transpired since then, one could perhaps point and laugh derisively at it for being so wrong. But here's the thing: his campaign should have been an ill-fated joke, and the fact that it wasn't is not something to be proud of by any stretch of the imagination. I was being sarcastic earlier when I called him an intelligent and morally upstanding guy. He's actually an embarrassment to his party and to this nation. Just be glad this video was made before his "locker room talk" comments (made as a young and foolish 59-year-old) became public, so they aren't included. Auralnauts also do amusing dubs of the Star Wars movies re-envisioned as a conflict between the drug-abusing dance-loving party animal Jedi and the responsible businessman Palpatine who's tired of them ruining his franchise with their antics. |
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- Amelia Whitlock "I don't know how well you know Christopher Randall Nicholson, but... he's trolling. You should read his blog. It's delightful." - David Young About the AuthorC. Randall Nicholson is a white cisgender Christian male, so you can hate him without guilt, but he's also autistic and asexual, so you can't, unless you're an anti-vaxxer, in which case the feeling is mutual. This blog is where he periodically rants about life, the universe, and/or everything. Archives
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