Naturally, the first order of business is to express my grief at the untimely death of Carrie Fisher, age 60. Why do we treat celebrity deaths as such a big deal? Frankly, because they are, especially this one. With her timeless portrayal of the not-so-distressed damsel in one of the most successful franchises of all time, Carrie Fisher has touched probably billions of lives, certainly more than I ever could hope to even if my wildest dreams of writing success come to fruition. Now there's no need to make up a bunch of sentimental pretentious filler here. Suffice it to say that I love Star Wars and I love Princess Leia Skywalker Organa Solo. Of course the question now is what they'll do with Episode IX, and that's not a selfish or insensitive question at all. Star Wars is Carrie Fisher's biggest legacy and it will keep her memory alive for as long as human civilization exists. Which might not be much longer, but let's not think about that. Steve Martin Tweeted this tribute: "When I was a young man, Carrie Fisher was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. She turned out to be witty and bright as well." He deleted his kind and thoughtful Tweet after feeling the venom of several cyber-denizens who purport to be feminists but are in reality a special breed of demon, because they felt that it was sexist. Fun fact: very few people have magic vision to see your personality and intelligence when they first notice you. Another fun fact: most people want to be attractive and appreciate it when someone says they are. Someday if my wildest dreams of writing success come to fruition, I'll commit a "gaffe" of this magnitude, and when people become outraged I'll tell them in no uncertain terms to bite me. But if Steve wants to not offend people, he should have said something like, "What? Carrie Fisher had like a mortal physical body and stuff? Weird, I never noticed because since I was a young man I've been too busy looking at her personality and intelligence. I just assumed it would live forever." As Pauly Van Nostrand wrote, "Only in 2016 can a compliment offend people who have nothing to do with the compliment." Yesterday I went with my father and sister to watch “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story”. Without getting into any details or spoilers, permit me to say that while time will tell whether this film ranks in my judgment just behind “The Empire Strikes Back” as the second greatest Star Wars film of all time, but I can say that I consider it to be a hundred times better than “The Force Awakens”. That film was decent but it didn't feel like Star Wars to me and I wasn't impressed with how it ripped off virtually every element of the plot and settings from "A New Hope" and still fit in an overabundance of ridiculously obvious wink-wink-nudge-nudge moments to it. I think this one has more of a Star Wars feel while still being new and fresh and pushing the boundaries of special effects technology as far as they can go. Boy, did it ever. I'm still in awe. The Christmas church service involved six hymns and a musical number. It was a little excessive, to be honest, but I did thoroughly enjoy the spirit there. I have nothing against white people, but I do love the rare opportunities I get to see people of multiple ethnic backgrounds gathered together because frankly it's beautiful. My parents' ward has more diversity than my entire Utah stake, even though the student body at USU has equal or greater diversity. I noted two black people, one with five mixed-race children, and at least twenty Asians, mostly Chinese I think, one of them also with five mixed-race children. No Hispanics because they have their own branch (for language, not ethnic, reasons). I enjoyed it so much that for the first time in years I felt like going back to a family ward someday, with or without a family, may not be so bad. My sleep patterns motivate me sometimes to cry out, “What idiot designed this thing?” There's no correlation between when I get up and when I can fall asleep, I don't have any say in when my brain decides to wake up the next morning, it takes me a week to recover from Daylight Savings Time or a time zone shift, and I can be woken up by someone talking on the sidewalk outside my window. While I'm wearing earplugs. Which I do every night. Other times, I just wake up for no reason and can't get back to sleep for two hours or so. I try not to be a jealous person, but when I see someone able to fall asleep in public, within less than an hour, I immediately despise them. Oh, you like to sleep, do you? How would you like to sleep forever? So getting up at quarter to five after already having woken up twice for no reason while still sick after a week of being sick so I could catch the bus to catch the plane to go to Indiana and be woken up by honking trains thrice nightly and then a final time by the creak of a floorboard as one of my sisters gets up at 7ish, which is still 5ish for me, was an adventure of sorts. I remember the last time I woke up feeling refreshed and energized. It was in April 2009 the morning after a nine-day trip to Spain. Somehow the major time zone shift and our crazy schedule canceled each other out. I yearn to achieve that feeling again, and that's another reason why I don't concern myself about getting married, because I think one impossible goal is enough for a person. In the meantime I wake up every morning feeling like a dead battery and fantasizing about having an "off" switch that makes the same distinctive sound as our old computer when it shut down. Before I get up and adrenaline/the grace of God takes over and gives me some semblance of functionality, I'm in a state of mind where I couldn't be held accountable for anything I think or do. I'm being completely serious when I tell you that this was my last thought before getting out of bed on Monday: "The girl I was watching spontaneously combusted, Anakin. Don't you hate when that happens?" The Cracrofts' First ChristmasIt's been a few weeks since I shared anything from this scripted-but-not-drawn comic series, so to recap, it's a scripted-but-not-drawn comic series (previous posts here). This is the storyline I alluded too once that's loosely based on "The Gift of the Magi", and it's the first Christmas that Alvin, his dim but lovable wife Rachel, and their pet Komodo dragon Steve all spend together, so that sets it in 2004, which turns out to be relevant in this case. It went unfinished for over a month until I threw the rest of it together yesterday and today, so it needs work and I'm not at all satisfied with the humor but I wanted to share it now instead of waiting almost a year for another suitable time. Panel 1 Alvin (looking at bills, thinking): Well, crud. It looks like money's gonna be real tight this end-of-year. I hope I can still get Rachel something great for Christmas. Panel 2 Alvin (thinking): I bet she'd like a swing set in the front yard... I could push her, she could push me, we could ride side by side... but looks like we'd be cutting it real close, budget wise. Panel 3 Alvin (thinking): Aaargh! Why must money get in the way of everything? Rachel: Thanks for taking care of all this financial stuff, Alvin. It always stresses me out. Panel 1 Alvin (thinking): Hmm... I bet my Lego Star Wars Ultimate Collector Series 10019-1 Rebel Blockade Runner would fetch a decent price on eBay... Panel 2 Alvin (thinking): Good thing it didn't come with any minifigures so I don't have to look into their distraught little faces... Panel 3 Alvin (thinking): I never fancied myself the bounty hunter type, yet here I am selling the Rebels to the highest bidder. Panel 1 George (on phone): A swing set? How old is she? Alvin: Dad... Panel 2 George: I got your mother a book on zoology and a collection of poetry. You know, intellectual stuff. Alvin: She doesn't like to take herself too seriously. Are you going to help me move it or not? Panel 3 George: Does it gotta be on Christmas Eve? We could do it any other day; she wouldn't know the difference... Alvin: Who pissed in your eggnog, dad? Panel 1 Rachel: Steve, I think I know exactly what to get Alvin for Christmas. Promise not to tell? Panel 2 Rachel: A Lego Star Wars Ultimate Collector Series 10030-1 Imperial Star Destroyer would look great chasing his Lego Star Wars Ultimate Collector Series 10019-1 Rebel Blockade Runner. Eh? Steve: Hiss... Panel 3 Rachel: Hmm, you're right, it's not in its usual spot. He must be cleaning it. Panel 1 Rachel: I don't want to spend Alvin's money on his own present, but I haven't got any of my own. Panel 2 Rachel: Think, Steve. We'll have to be creative. I must have some natural asset that I can sell for a quick buck. Panel 3 Woman (on phone): I'm sorry, ma'am, but we are not interested in your saliva. Rachel: What about Komodo dragon saliva? It has over fifty kinds of bacteria. Panel 1 Alvin: No need to get me anything, Rachel. I got you this year and that's enough for a lifetime. Rachel: Oh, shush. Panel 2 Alvin: No, really, it's fine... Rachel: I'm not listening. Panel 3 Alvin: Well, just saying. By the way, you've been wearing that hat for three days now, haven't you? Rachel: It's all the rage this season. Panel 1 Alvin: Open your eyes! Merry Christmas, Rachel! Rachel: A swing set! Alvin, you're such a doll! Panel 2 Rachel: I can't wait to tell everyone that we're swingers now! Alvin: Maybe we should keep this to ourselves. Panel 1 Alvin: A Lego Star Wars Ultimate Collector Series 10030-1 Imperial Star Destroyer! Rachel, you shouldn't have! Rachel: Told you I wasn't listening. Panel 2 Alvin: This must have cost a small fortune... Rachel: I guess I can take this off now. My head is getting itchy. Panel 3 Alvin: Ah. That explains a lot. Rachel (bald): Good thing you didn't get me a hairbrush or something, huh? That would have been awkward. Panel 1 TV headline: 9.3 Magnitude Tsunami Strikes Southeast Asia Reporter (on television): Preliminary estimates have at least a hundred thousand dead or missing... Rachel: Judas Priest... Panel 2 Rachel: Alvin, would you be terribly offended if I sold the swing set and donated the money? (Alvin looks at her in awe of her kindness) Panel 3 Alvin: I guess that's the true meaning of Christmas. I'll pitch in the Star Destroyer too. Rachel: And what about you, Steve? That's your neck of the woods, right? Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia - Life Day SongI intend no disrespect or tastelessness with this tribute to Carrie Fisher. Yes, the Star Wars Holiday Special, which has come to be associated with Christmas even though its one and only broadcast was during the Thanksgiving season, sucks beyond comprehension. And it has the distinction of being the only film where Mark Hamill was prettier than her, owing to the excessive makeup necessitated by his recent car crash. And she was visibly coked up for the duration of her small role (who can blame her?). But I've always honestly kind of liked this part. She prefaces it by announcing, "This holiday is yours but, we all share with you the hope that this day brings us closer to freedom, and to harmony, and to peace. No matter how different we appear, we're all the same in our struggle against the powers of evil and darkness. I hope that this day will always be a day of joy in which we can reconfirm our dedication and our courage. And more than anything else, our love for one another. This is the promise of the Tree of Life."
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Stephan Pastis gets it, and just this week released the above gem that perfectly describes how I feel sometimes, except that I don't share Rat's charming and amiable personality. Of the twenty or so "friends" that I've sent varying editions of my book to over the last three years, the same number of people have made the time to read it from start to finish. But all three of them loved it. That's a great track record, isn't it? The latest one may have loved it most of all. She apologized for taking a few weeks to read it and she wants to print a hard copy of all 400+ pages. I told her that it's going to be published in hard copies someday anyway, but she still wants to print it herself. And that's a pretty shrewd move because after it becomes a bestseller, her printed earlier version will become a collector's item and enable her to retire comfortably. I said sure. She also loved it enough to post about it on Facebook even though nobody would know what she's talking about: Looking at this now, I have no idea how she ostensibly wrote her comment nearly two hours before the post. And I'm also realizing, as I didn't when I wrote that quote, how much Jane is channeling the spirit of Captain Moroni. She would be mortified to realize that. Anyway, this one quote just by itself doesn't really give a feel for Jane's personality. She follows it up for good measure with "This - is - Sparta!" Then Lillis compliments her on her impromptu rallying speech and she admits, "I practice sometimes when no one is looking." My own favorite quote from the book is much shorter and simpler: Jane: Ladies first. Lillis: And you are? Jane: A slob. Not ladylike at all. I've also sent it out to a bunch of random famous people, and believe it or not, many of them took time out of their busy schedules to do so and give me feedback. For example, the next President of the United States had this to say: "This book - and it's a really great book, it really is. The words, make no mistake, we've got the best people and they all say the words are absolutely top-notch. The other people wish they were reading these words because, you know, I know words. I read. I'm a reader. You can rely on these words because they're great words. They're impressive." "Deceptively Edited"For anyone who is tuning into this blog for the first time, I did not vote for Drumpf and his flattering words are not enough to make me like him or support him . However, since I detest Hillary slightly more, I'm grateful that the electoral college didn't rebel and pick her instead this week like many were hoping. A lot of people are scared of a Drumpf presidency, especially Muslims, Latinos, black people, women, LGBT people, and environmentalists. I would share many of their fears if I hadn't resigned myself to this country's irreversible journey down the toilet regardless of who gets elected. There is one group, however, whose fears I relish like a child relishing presents at Christmastime - Planned Parenthood. They're terrified right now, their fears are completely justified, and I love it. Of course that's because I hate women and want them to shrivel up and die without the healthcare that only Planned Parenthood can provide. Actually, no, that's not it at all, but if you're going to assume that my real reasons are invalid because I'm male then the least I can do is offer an alternative, albeit a delusional one. Remember just over a year ago now when the Center for Medical Progress released undercover videos of Planned Parenthood illegally trafficking fetal parts? Remember when PP's defenders kept repeating a barefaced lie about the videos being "deceptively edited" (as if there were any conceivable context that would make its recorded statements acceptable), when even PP's own fact-checking team was forced to conclude (notwithstanding how hard they tried to obfuscate it) that they were not? Remember how a bunch of states defunded it and a bunch of businesses and hospitals cut ties? That was great. The momentum of public opinion is very much against this damnable organization and that damage to its finances is likely to be irreversible. Remember how the scandal just kind of faded away and people just assumed it was over and Planned Parenthood would continue on with business as usual because it hadn't done anything wrong this time? (As opposed to, say, when one of its managers expressed a policy of helping to cover up underage prostitution, but that's another story.) Yeah, well, the 500+ page report recently released by the Senate at conclusion of their investigation says otherwise. They have recommended Planned Parenthood and several of the organizations it does business with for FBI investigation for their flouting of the law. This may have something to do with the Senate being controlled by Republicans - or possibly with some of the documents they subpoenaed including thousands of invoices for the baby, I mean fetal parts that Planned Parenthood definitely was not selling. In fairness, Planned Parenthood had guidelines in place against that sort of thing, and when it realized after ten years that its clinics were ignoring those guidelines, it took swift action and deleted them. The guidelines, I mean, in case that wasn't clear. Oh, and you know who isn't talking about this? The same mainstream media outlets who didn't talk about Kermit Gosnell until the backlash forced them to. I'm shocked. Shocked, I tell you. I wonder how much longer it will take them to catch on that this isn't 1977 anymore and refusing to cover something doesn't keep people from finding out about it. Planned Parenthood is scared, and for good reason. Merry Christmas to me. New Year's Resolutions for White GuysDeleting things doesn't keep people from finding out about them, either. This week, as you may have heard, MTV released what I thought was going to be a music video, given that MTV stands for "Music Television", but actually turned out to be just a bunch of people talking. It was a video about New Year's Resolutions for White Guys. Since I fall into that target demographic on both counts to one degree or another, I started watching it, but after about thirty seconds I became discouraged and quit. They were asking me to make these changes that I would love but just can't, because I can't help that I automatically hold every single one of the viewpoints they were criticizing as a result of my sex (is that the right word? I'm not allowed to call it "gender" anymore, right? Or do I have that backwards?) and skin color. So I'm afraid it just added insult to injury for me. Enough people took it more seriously and got royally cheesed off, though, that in less than two days MTV removed the video from every platform they had posted it on - but there are at least two copies on YouTube from folks who had the foresight to grab it. Interestingly, the one that went with the original title still has about 59 times as many downvotes as upvotes, while the one titled "DUMBEST MOST RACIST VIDEO EVER" has about 138 times as many upvotes as downvotes (not to mention nearly twice as many views). It's all about marketing, people. So anyway, I guess MTV was as startled as I was to learn that the "it's okay to be racist against white people and especially if they're male" thing can be taken too far. I thought you could criticize us and blame us for all the world's problems with total impunity, but it turns out that after a certain point the majority of this country will rise up and tell you where you can stick it. Is there still significant racism against non-whites in this country? Yes. Is it dwarfed by whining social justice warriors' leg-humping obsession with skin color? Also yes. Are most people sick of their crap? Apparently also yes. Drumpf, among his many other flaws, is a racist. But when progressives have spent the last several years inventing racism where it didn't exist and accusing everyone and their dog of imaginary racism on the most absurd pretenses in an effort to stifle free speech and cop out of intelligent debate, it doesn't take a genius to figure out why their legitimate accusations of Drumpf being a racist fell on deaf ears. There's an absurdly stupid tweet by David Yankovich (I don't know who he is either, but in fairness, he would say the same about me) saying, "We hate Donald Trump like you hated President Obama. However, we hate Trump because he is racist, you hated Obama because you are racist." Because you see, prior to 2008, conservatives always adored left-wing presidents. And the liberal hatred of George Bush was completely different because he's white. Anyway, I've written more about this than I intended to so I'll leave it at that, except to also point out that his tweet should have had a semicolon, not a comma, because here the punctuation is taking the place of a conjunction. MormonWikiLeaksI'm giving this thing more publicity than it deserves, but only to demonstrate how totally unfazed by it I am. Ryan McKnight, the guy who leaked several behind-the-scenes briefing videos of top Mormon leaders that caused a stir on the internet for almost two whole days, has now set up a website to do more of the same with confidential documents. The YouTube channel with the videos is called "Mormon Leaks", but for this site he inexplicably went with the far less catchy and obviously derivative "MormonWikiLeaks". Ryan isn't stupid. He knows this won't bring down the LDS Church. He just wants to force it to be more transparent and let everyone see how the bureacracy operates. Frankly, I looked at some of the documents and they ranged from "stuff that no normal person would bother to read in their spare time" to "BOR-ING". And he acknowledges that too. He knows most of it's boring. So, you know, I would say let the bueacracy do its thing and be grateful we don't have to see how it operates. Ryan says he has thorough vetting processes in place to avoid publishing faked documents from anti-Mormons to make the Church look bad, or from Mormons to make his site's credibility look bad. He also says that if he gets documents showing the Church "engaged in some surprisingly ethical activity", he'll publish those too. So he's a man of honesty and integrity, other than the trifling matter of encouraging people to violate their nondisclosure and confidentiality agreements. I don't understand why that's even legal, but I guess I'm glad it is since it allows the real WikiLeaks to knock our richly deserving government down a few pegs. Anyway, somebody just wake me up when they find a document indicating that the LDS Church is a deliberate fraud and its leaders don't sincerely believe in it in private as well as public. Oh wait, that isn't going to happen, ever. Scott Andersen - Chewbacca Sings Silent NightSome years ago I downloaded a big batch of Star Wars songs from a site that had a bunch of Star Wars songs. And some of them had no attribution and had apparently just drifted around the internet since the mysterious distant past of the late nineties, and one of those was Chewbacca singing "Silent Night". I thought it would be a cute little thing to share this time around. Imagine my surprise when I checked to see if it was on YouTube and discovered that "How it Should Have Ended" just did a remake and it went viral. They also attributed the original, solving that mystery that I probably could have solved earlier on my own if I'd been sufficiently curious. Even though this new one sounds superior and has the actual movie clips to go with it, the original has a certain campy charm that you just don't get with modern technology. Take 45 seconds of your life to enjoy it. Last week I mentioned the Indian friend that I met at the institute Christmas concert a year ago. Of course I only mentioned his nationality because I love Indians, and I'm very excited that India is set to get its third LDS stake (Rajahmundry) this weekend and a fourth (New Delhi) sometime next year. Anyway, I hadn't talked him for a few months, but right after that post I contacted him again. As you can see, he still has his priorities straight. He has taken a lot of interest in my love life. When I met him, I also met the LDS white girl who had brought him to the concert, but I never spent much more time with her or got to know her like I did him. I inquired about her one time and he inquired back, "Do you like her or...?" And the truth was that a lot of times I don't categorize women as "I'm interested" or "I'm not interested" but just have them on a spectrum where they can move one way or the other as I get to know them more. But his English wasn't perfect and I didn't know if he would understand something so unusual, so I was just like, "A little bit", which was accurate enough. And then, before I ever told him about my depression he knew about it by deducing from my eyes that I had a lot in common with him. So somehow or other he got it into his head that I was obsessed with this girl and would slit my wrists or something if she broke my heart. He was really concerned and gave me a lot of pep talks about having self-esteem and not basing it on her. I never corrected him because I feel awkward about contradicting people because I associate disagreements with people hating each other, and also frankly it was good advice and I was super touched that he cared so much. After some time he had to bring me the news that she had gotten a boyfriend, and he was super worried and ready to be there for me. I really didn't care. I was just like, "Good for her." "Oh, good," he said. "I hope you are better and out of her now." I think he meant "over her". Biology 1010As I've been going through old posts trying to search engine optimize them, I realized that I wrote about dating a lot more than I thought and evolution a lot less than I thought. I'm writing about both right now so that ratio will remain the same. There are a couple of problems with this meme. First, "not meant to be"? Sure, maybe if you want to bring God into it and presume that God hates you, but if you're approaching it from a purely scientific angle, that's nonsense because evolution is guided by chance, not destiny. But the second problem is much bigger and basically ruins the whole thing. Many people mistakenly believe that evolution and/or Darwinism is synonomous with natural selection, but that's not the case. As early as his original book Darwin outlined another force known as sexual selection. Whereas the former is about survival, the latter is about reproduction and acts not just independently of, but sometimes in direct opposition to, natural selection. For example: Boy Moose: Hey there, girl moose. I just wanted to let you know that I'm really strong and adaptable and my genes would make a great contribution to your offspring, which I realize is something you get to be picky about because you will invest a lot more energy and resources into them. What do you say? Girl Moose: Hmph. Prove it. I'm really into big antlers - grow a pair, then we'll talk. Boy Moose: What?? But growing big antlers would be a total waste of my crucial resources, and they could get tangled in trees and bushes, making me more vulnerable to predators! Girl Moose: Hmph. If you're really as strong and adaptable as you say, those things shouldn't be an issue. Boy Moose: But – oh, fine. Hrrrrrnk... [Pop! Pop!] There. Two of the biggest antlers any woman could ask for. Happy? Girl Moose: Now use them to fight for me. It might seem silly, but she was a very cute moose. Made all the boy moose go "Whaaaaa!" Of course, humans are special and superior to other animals so sexual selection doesn't apply to us and has nothing at all to do with the evolutionary basis for archaic dating gender roles that I mentioned last week. No, actually it does, but I'm not going to complain about that again (for now) because it's pretty benign compared to many of mankind's other primitive "quirks". Can You Tag...There are a few demographics that it's still acceptable to be prejudiced against, such as mentally ill people (just don't be too blunt about it), anyone who doesn't share your political leanings (be as blunt as you want), and at least one of the Abrahamic religions depending on said leanings (Christians if you're liberal, Muslims if you're conservative, Jews if you're a conspiracy theorist). Oh yeah, and ugly people. Thousands of people consider it find and dandy to post Facebok memes of ugly people with captions like "Can you tag Dave? He left without paying last night" and then all laugh at the notion that Dave would have sex with someone so ugly. Because apparently once you cross a certain threshold of ugliness you no longer have feelings or dignity. All that stuff we say about "looks don't matter", "it's what's on the inside that counts", and "everyone is beautiful"? Yeah, we were just kidding. This form of prejudice is nothing more or less than another head of the same monster that spawned racism, sexism, nationalism, tribalism, homophobia, and all the other ways humans have been douchebags to other humans for as long as they've existed. I don't know anything about the people I've seen in these memes - except one. Believe it or not, she's a person and she's alive somewhere and she even has a name: Lizzie Velásquez. She has a disease so rare that it doesn't have a name, and she can't create body fat and she has to eat every twenty minutes and she's gone blind in one eye. Yes, she is aware that she has become the subject of one of these memes, and it isn't her first such discovery. One evening she was just browsing YouTube, minding her own business, when she stumbled upon a video called "The Ugliest Woman in the World". It wasn't really a video, just a picture, a picture of her. It had millions of views. People in the comments were saying things like "Kill it with fire!" (Hitler called. He wants you to please stop stealing his ideas.) I wouldn't trade all the suffering of my life for one experience like that. But Lizzie Velázquez is clearly stronger than a mere mortal, and instead of killing herself she went on to become an anti-bullying motivational speaker. I lump the people who bully her under the same term I use for tobacco company executives: "Satan's hemorrhoids." Speaking of images on the internet that promote extreme shallowness and insentivity to the actual humans in them for entertainment purposes... PornographyGovernor Gary Herbert of Utah, who declared pornography a public health crisis earlier in the year, is now putting our money where his mouth is with $50,000 out of a $16 billion budget devoted to anti-pornography education efforts. For perspective, that's 1/320,000 or 0.0003% of the budget. Naturally this has outraged some residents of Salt Lake who feel that Mormons and Republicans are legislating morality and infringing on their constitutional right to jack off to their hearts' content. This is a little odd, seeing as Governor Herbert has made no attempt to actually restrict distribution of or access to pornography, but it makes sense in their heads somehow. And of course it doesn't bother them in the slightest that pornography is being shoved in our faces to the point where children are first exposed to it at the average age of eleven. There is no conceivable way that this could affect their brain development, and if it does, who cares? That's their problem. Pornography is natural, pornography is harmless, pornography is healthy, pornography is great. Know how they know? Because they enjoy it, and therefore by logical inference it can't possibly have any negative consequences or repercussions whatsoever. QED. And of course all opposition to pornography is motivated by religion. That's why the United Kingdom, which is widely known for being a devoutly religious nation, has been at the forefront of opposing it in recent years. You know what, I know things sometimes don't come across as intended through text, so let me be perfectly clear: I'm being sarcastic and I think those people are idiots. Did I mention that these education efforts constitute 1/320,000 or 0.0003% of the budget? Kermit GosnellAs I've been going through old posts trying to search engine optimize them, I realized that I haven't written about abortion since February when NARAL had an aneurysm over the Doritos Super Bowl commercial. Good thing I was already planning on writing about it again - specifically, about Kermit Gosnell. Remember him? Or did you ever hear of him in the first place? If necessary, let Wikipedia refresh your memory: "Gosnell owned and operated the Women's Medical Society clinic in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and he was a prolific prescriber of OxyContin. In 2011, Gosnell and various co-defendant employees were charged with eight counts of murder, 24 felony counts of performing illegal abortions beyond the state of Pennsylvania’s 24-week time limit, and 227 misdemeanor counts of violating the 24-hour informed consent law. The murder charges related to an adult patient, Karnamaya Mongar, who died following an abortion procedure, and seven newborns said to have been killed by having their spinal cords severed with scissors after being born alive during attempted abortions. In May 2013, Gosnell was convicted of first degree murder in the deaths of three of the infants and involuntary manslaughter in the death of Karnamaya Mongar. Gosnell was also convicted of 21 felony counts of illegal late-term abortion, and 211 counts of violating the 24-hour informed consent law. After his conviction, Gosnell waived his right to appeal in exchange for an agreement not to seek the death penalty. He was sentenced instead to life in prison without the possibility of parole." How was this allowed to happen? Because the authorities in Philadelphia obviously cared so much about women's health that, despite multiple complaints, they couldn't be bothered to inspect his clinic or for how many years? Five? Ten? No, seventeen. Because holding the abortion industry to any sort of accountability or oversight, or enforcing any restrictions on it whatsoever, is seen by some as an all-out assault on women's health. Of course virtually everyone, regardless of their views on abortion, agrees that Gosnell is a monster. So why have so many people tried to keep us from knowing he exists? When his story broke, mainstream media outlets refused to cover it until they were forced to by the outrage of people who knew how to use the internet. I watched CNN spin excuses for why they hadn't covered it in the first place, and they were so lame that I felt embarrassed on their behalf. When filmmakers Magdalena Segieda, Phelim McAleer and Ann McElhinney decided to make a movie about Gosnell, Kickstarter refused to let them crowdfund on its website, claiming that the premise was too "graphic" while the pornography on the site apparently isn't. Because pornography is okay, remember? They crowdfunded on Indiegogo instead and set the record for the most successful film funded on that site. I contributed my widow's mite, which I mention only as a reminder that just liking Facebook pages and posts does virtually nothing to help any cause. Now all of Hollywood has refused to release the movie, claiming it's too "controversial", because apparently their pro-abortion films and all the other sewage they've put out in the last few years aren't controversial at all. But this isn't even really about abortion, right? It's just about one guy who broke the law and a bunch of spineless authorities who let him do it for a long time, right? Right? Ask yourself: what do all those people have to fear from the truth? So they're releasing the film independently sometime next year. In the meantime, they also have a book coming out in January. They want as many people as possible to pre-order it on Amazon so that it will show up on the New York Times bestseller list and be impossible to ignore. So if you're looking for some way to help, there's one. Now let's close on a more lighthearted note. Steven Cavanaugh - Walkers in a Winter WonderlandIn honor of "Rogue One" being released and Christmas soon to follow, here's a mashup that I can't believe I've never shared before. Steven Cavanaugh is from Australia, so he wrote this in June. It's brilliant and like many parodies I alway sing it instead of the original lyrics. "Some of them may even display selective mutism, speaking not at all to most people and excessively to specific people. Some may choose only to talk to people they like." - from Wikipedia's article on Asperger syndrome. As I look at it in isolation just now I realize that "excessively" is a very biased and subjective term that probably shouldn't be in a Wikipedia article. But the reason I copy-pasted it in the first place is that I find it amusing. Do normal, sorry, "neurotypical" people regularly choose to talk to people they don't like? How dumb. What a strange feeling it is when an old Facebook status about your crush is liked by a total stranger who upon investigation turns out to be your crush's mother, though at first you think it's her sister because she looks twenty years younger than she must be. Yes, what a strange feeling, especially when you weren't aware that your crush's mother even knew that you existed because you didn't know that your crush had ever mentioned you to her family because you thought you were out of sight, out of mind. But what a good feeling it is when you realize that you had nothing to hide, except for that one status that she liked, but nothing "bad". Yes, perhaps you would want to hide some of these things if you had any shame, but you don't, which is why your profile is on its most public setting. By "you" I mean "me" and the rest is pretty much literal. This actually happened a month or so ago, but I didn't know whether it was prudent to mention or not, but now I think it's okay. I told a couple people, and I asked Marie, and I asked if I should message her, and Marie was like "No, that would be weird", so I didn't, but then I decided to do it anyway because I have decided that as long as my behavior is respectful I shouldn't have to be dictated by society's arbitrary whims of whether or not it's "weird". So that was a good feeling. A slightly more disturbing one is when strangers are arguing with me and feel the need to look at my profile and then bring it up. (Ex. Mike Poole from last week, "It's ok, I'm sure the leadership will give you bonus missionary points for having a Jesus cover photo.") Why are they so obsessed with me? I couldn't care less what's on their profiles. Grammatical note: "I couldn't care less" is the proper term. "I could care less" makes no sense at all in the contexts where it's used, which people would realize if they thought about what they were saying for two seconds instead of just running on autopilot. Facebook's reporting system is really a piece of work, isn't it? I wonder about the logic behind it. (All of the following are based on real instances.) Mook 1: Oh dear, someone has reported a meme of a woman with tape over her mouth that says "Don't wrap it and tap it, tape her and rape her". How should we handle this? Mook 2: Mmm, well, I myself do not for a moment share the viewpoint expressed in this image, but we can't just go around censoring everything we disagree with. After all, America was founded on the free exchange of ideas. Mook 1: Right then. It stays up. Mook 2: Here's another one. It's a meme of a nuclear explosion that says "Some cancers need radiation treatment. Islam is one of them." Mook 1: Ooh, tough call. Some of my best friends are Muslims. But, you know, maybe they just meant that sometimes Muslims get cancer and they need radiation treatment, and then they did a Google search for "radiation" and grabbed the first picture they found even though it doesn't really match. Mook 2: Yeah, that makes sense. Not our place to judge others' mistakes. It stays up. Mook 1: Let's see here, what else do we - SWEET JUDAS PRIEST, IT'S A PICTURE OF A MOTHER BREASTFEEDING AN INFANT. AAAAAAH! Mook 2: AAAAAAAH! TAKE IT DOWN TAKE IT DOWN TAKE IT DOWN! I'D DO IT MYSELF BUT I'M BUSY BLEACHING MY EYES! You're supposed to be able to appeal the decision or whatever, and sometimes that accomplishes nothing but sometimes it does. One time I reported a blatantly pornographic page, they said it didn't violate their community standards, I politely asked if they were retarded, and then they took it down. I suspect that no one actually, you know, looked at it the first time. Or read what it was called. I thought this was amusing, especially the bit about Planned Parenthood. Christmas was good. The highlight was receiving another crocheted R2-D2 hat from my sister to replace the one she gave me last year that got stolen (at church no less). This one fits better anyway. Another highlight was what I discovering on my grandparents' bookshelf in the basement, which I have looked over many times but obviously not paid close enough attention to. My grandfather pointed out a picture of him with his parents and sister when he was four or so, and though I had seen it many times, this time I noticed partially obscured behind it not one, not two, not three, but four books by Mary Frances Sturlaugson Eyer, the first black sister missionary, who was once a celebrity among Mormons but has since faded into obscurity for whatever reason. Since I am enthralled with this kind of topic this was a veritable treasure trove. These were evidently owned by my great-grandmother, Geraldine Jensen, and three of them were autographed. On a related note, I recently recently added in its entirety this story that has also faded into obscurity for some reason even though it deserves to be famous. Because we live in a cruel and horrible world, wonderful luck sometimes happens to the wicked and undeserving, and so it was that on Monday I won two tickets to see "The Force Awakens" from Kool 103.9's contest. I was so happy that for a while all I could do was walk around the house clapping my hands like one of those toy monkeys with cymbals. The tickets were for the next day. So you see, I do not regret my decision to wait for a while because free tickets that aren't for opening night are better than opening night tickets that aren't free. To enter the contest all one had to do was comment on their Facebook page that one wanted tickets, and I made a point of asking very politely and deferentially, so I don't know if I was chosen randomly or if that had something to do with it. Pros: The movie was hilarious The pacing, action etc. was exciting and superior to that of the prequels The special effects were very good and superior to those of the prequels Kylo Ren was a unique villain and not merely a Darth Vader clone Cons: It felt more like "Guardians of the Galaxy" than a Star Wars movie (largely because it was so hilarious) Except for Chewbacca, there were no familiar aliens until near the end (would it have killed them to add a few Rodians and Twi'leks?) Much of the plot was clearly a reboot of the first film I felt like too much of what happened between "Return of the Jedi" and this one was left unexplained (why, for example, are the New Republic and the Resistance two separate entities and what is the relationship between then?) I wonder how long I have to wait before I can comment on the major earth-shattering spoilers without being a waste of skin who doesn't deserve to live. On the whole, I considered it worth watching, though it wasn't quite what I expected from Disney. I thought it would be something more like this. the great Luke Ski - When You Wish Upon a Death StarNow that Christmas is over and everyone else will have forgotten about it, I am taking the opportunity to post this video which remains as applicable as ever. I happen to particularly like this one. Sometimes I find them hokey because I'm cynical and I can't help it, but I like the artistry and the discount Morgan Freeman narrator voice. I suppose this is probably my last post of 2015. Pity it's nothing spectacular, but then I suppose most of them aren't anyway. Not fishing for compliments, but I'll take them if you have any to give...
With no disrespect intended toward my many friends who went and saw it on opening night. Opening night is as good a time as any to go see it. I just don't understand why some people feel a need to. Look, I'm not the only one who's gotten 12 am and 12 pm mixed up, but at least I didn't act like this. Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon. My laptop is busted, but one of my old roommates left behind a desktop computer that he was using to run a Minecraft server. It's an older model with Windows XP, only 20 GB or so of memory, and no sound, but I still consider it a blessing. It has Pinball. I decided that playing Pinball as part of my exercise routine in the morning was a good idea because it makes my brain focus, and I discovered that I tend to do much better while lying on my stomach (the computer is on the floor). I don't know what kind of scores are typical for this game, but this morning I beat my previous best and broke three million points, so that put me in a good mood and if I were superstitious I would consider it a reason to be optimistic about the whole day. One of the stupidest things I've read this week: "Virginity is a social construct rooted in misogyny that shames women with expectations of purity and men with expectations of masculinity." I was going to start drinking shots every time someone uses the word "misogyny" in a context where it doesn't belong, but then I realized that would be suicide. Anyway, this was in response to a guy from high school posting about how he's waiting for marriage, and he's not even LDS, which you could have guessed based on the fact that he went to my high school, so I was very impressed with his courage. Because according to society's logic, the proper solution to "slut-shaming" is virgin-shaming. Just like the proper solution to fat-shaming is skinny-shaming. And the proper solution to black-shaming is white-shaming. Let's face it, society is really stupid. Well, here's something that I wish I didn't have to share but I do. I'm not bothering to make him anonymous because he's already shared it in a group of 31,000+ people and I don't think I have quite that many people reading my blog, so this is really just me spitting in the ocean and saying I helped. Anyway... I have seen this man demonstrate his strong and firm testimony many times. I know there is a huge double standard in our society between how men and women are "supposed" to show compliments and affection. In my home branch, it was quite normal and common for guys to hug each other. We also touched each other in other (mostly non-sexual) ways and frequently joked about each other's sexuality or gender identity, which in hindsight was probably ignorant and insensitive, but at least we were comfortable with each other. Now I'm not even comfortable lightly touching a girl on the shoulder to show friendship, even if she does it to me first and thereby gives me implicit permission to do so. You can't tell by looking at people which ones are the reasonable human beings and which ones are constantly on the lookout for reasons to be offended or charge someone with harassment. This post served to remind me that my paranoia about touching is a perfectly reasonable one. Alas, as I've mentioned before, touching is one of my three-way tie of love languages, so that really sucks. So I don't have 31,000+ readers, but how many people do visit my site? Here are the most recent stats. If these are accurate, my little map at the bottom of the site is tracking only a small fraction of visitors, which is really annoying, but what can you do? ("the dinosaur renaissance article" could only be this one, which for me shows up on the second page of results for that term. I'm surprised but not displeased.) When I recently got into an argument on the internet with a stranger I realized that it had been a long time since I got into a heated argument on the internet with a stranger, and I was disappointed with myself for relapsing. What happened was that I commented on a Salt Lake Tribune article (and we all know the comments sections of most Salt Lake Tribune articles are cesspools), and some jackass who had commented quite some time earlier but obviously had nothing better to do than continue lurking there jumped on it, and I, instead of ignoring him as I should have, stuck around for a bit to express my contempt. I think I have made amply clear on this blog (just last week for example) how little I am bothered by the opinions of morons about me or my religion. Mike is one of those sad little people who has nothing better to do with his life than try to make Mormons angry, and so when I declined to take him seriously he attempted, somewhat pathetically and unconvincingly in my opinion, to project his own anger onto me and pretend he had succeeded. He stopped replying after this. Several other people commented but (knowing they would likely be of a similar caliber) I didn't bother to read those even when I went back to take these pictures, which I did so that you wouldn't have to place blind trust in my description of the event, so never say I don't make sacrifices for you. I will plead guilty to the charge of being a coward. I hope someday I can be brave like Mike Poole, who despite being a jackass is clearly not a coward at all, because it takes so much courage to pick fights with strangers from behind the safety of an electronic screen. And speaking of "cult behavior"... Anyway, I'm a jerk sometimes, in case you haven't figured that out yet, but the entire reason I'm bringing it up is because that makes me humble and that makes it okay. I struggle because, while I should follow the admonition and example of Jesus to love everybody regardless of what they do, I see no reason why I should feel respect toward people who don't deserve it. I try not to insult people to their faces (and at least in theory, not behind their backs either) but I see no reason why I should abstain from sarcasm when they are saying rude and asinine things. Pretending to respect them would be dishonest, after all, and I highly doubt that Jesus respects everybody either. But He probably doesn't hold contemptuous thoughts toward them or use the phrase "leg-humping obsession" (which I can't help but love because it perfectly encapsulates the mindlessness and contemptability of some people's behavior). I struggle to find a balance and will probably continue to do so for the foreseeable future. I've decided to cut hypocritical Mormons a little more slack, though, since I am one. P.S. Sometimes I wink at married women online, too. But on the plus side, I noticed that I no longer feel compelled to argue about evolution when it comes up. I used to get very heated on the topic, mainly because I still resented having been brainwashed with creationist baloney for a few years, but now I just kind of feel like whatever, if they want to delude themselves about the nature of reality that's their right. As long as they don't try to get it taught in schools. I don't know why I've mellowed out in this area. I find that when I undertake any effort to eliminate one of my major flaws, I crash and burn and become discouraged within a couple weeks at most, yet I occasionally discover that one of the smaller ones has vanished on its own without me doing anything. Nice. So anyway, here you see me only bothering to comment once, and not even using actual words. It helped that someone even smarter than me was there to do the talking, and now I am sharing it here so you can get a free science lesson whether you need/want it or not. (This was in our group, Latter-day Saints Who Love Latter-day Science, which you should totally join.) Trending this week for whatever reason has been a thirteen year old story about a forensic reconstruction of what Jesus may have looked like. Apparently it's gone viral because people had totally forgotten about it and then someone rediscovered it and all heaven broke loose on social media. I guess I missed my chance. I read this article a year or two ago and I guess if I had shared it I could have been the one to start this firestorm. It's been a little disturbing to see some Mormons getting their tights in a wad over this. "No! The Savior does not look like that!" Evidently some of them are too attached to the undoubtedly inaccurate Western European Jesus we're used to seeing in paintings. We should worship the living Christ, not artistic depictions of Him. The forensic reconstruction may be way off too, but my point is that it doesn't matter either way. Perhaps some of them resent that this depiction is a teensy bit goofy-looking and not nearly so majestic. If they resent that the Savior could be goofy-looking, then they literally believe that physically attractive people are in some way superior to not physically attractive people. Yet the Bible says that "he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him, there is no beauty that we should desire him." (Isaiah 53:2) This strongly suggests to me that Jesus is, if not "ugly", then at least rather plain and certainly not as handsome as he is usually portrayed. And so what? We claim to believe that looks don't matter, and that's true even though most of us have a hard time fully believing it, and it doesn't matter if the only perfect man who ever lived was also the ugliest person in the history of the planet. Except that if He was, He wouldn't have gotten any followers because humans are shallow, but you know what I mean. There's an urban legend in Mormondom that this painting by Del Parson was said by a prophet to be the most accurate depiction. The only truth in this legend is that Del Parson was asked by the Curriculum Committee to go through a few revisions for whatever reason, but the extrapolation is kind of laughable. Why would church leaders be so concerned about the accuracy of this one painting or this one artist and none of the others, or of their own videos for that matter, which over the years haven't even consistently portrayed Jesus with the same hair color? The Jesus of the recent Bible Videos looks nothing like this painting. And why would they never bother to actually tell the membership, “Hey, by the way, this is what Jesus really looks like”? Anyway, I got into another argument about that. Sigh. And so on along those lines. I could get used to that kind of logic. Me: The prophet has said that you should date me. Lindsey Stirling: Oh really. What were his exact words? Me: If you need a quote then you might want to strengthen your faith in a prophet and him being a revelator of truth and visions of what he sees. Now time to answer a reader's question! Bracelets, age 22, of Farmington, Utah, asks, “Do you consider yourself more of an optimist or pessimist?” She actually asked via text message, but I'm answering in this public forum because I know everyone else has been wondering this too and just been afraid to ask. Also, I wanted to write more than could reasonably be put in a text message, and also add some comics. Well, Bracelets, notwithstanding all evidence to the contrary, I have to say that on the whole I'm an optimist. The reason for this is my faith in God and in Jesus Christ. Because of them I know that everything will turn out all right in the end and I'll be more than compensated for everything I've had to go through. Because of them I can keep trying and become better despite my myriad flaws and wrongdoings. If you exclude them and focus only on a secular angle, then as you can probably guess, I'm a pessimist. The reason for this is the state of the world and my own experiences. And in fact, this, too, is doctrinally sound; I will be impressed if you can show me even one scripture verse that has anything flattering to say about human nature or the natural trajectory of civilizations. I will go so far as to say that I think faith in humanity is a mental disorder (and I can say that because I know a thing or two about having mental disorders). To be sure, there are plenty of good people doing good things, and plenty of examples in the scriptures as well, but they get our attention precisely because they're going against the grain. Have faith that such people exist, not in humanity as a whole, which doesn't deserve it. I'm an optimist about my prospects for making a successful career out of writing, because I'm a great writer, and that's just a fact. But still in the back of my mind I recognize that at any time I could suffer a terrible accident and lose the use of my hands. Then I'd have to dictate or learn to type with my feet or something, and then I could become a motivational speaker about overcoming adversity and yadda yadda yadda. Don't get any ideas, God, this is just a hypothetical. But anyway, Bracelets, in general I try not to be an optimist if it means expecting certain events or outcomes that may or may not happen. As you know, misplaced optimism has brought me a lot of grief, notwithstanding how well-founded it seemed at the time. I think one should always at least half-expect the worst plausible outcome (or in the case of dating, something worse and so contrived that it would ruin a work of fiction) because one can avoid a lot of soul-crushing disappointment that way. That doesn't mean one has to feel negative and depressed all the time. It just means one should avoid getting one's hopes up whenever possible. And maybe this doesn't work for everybody. Maybe there are those who need to always expect success in order to make it happen. But that works for me in Pinball and nowhere else. As you know, I don't even like to trust people if I don't have to because too many have proven to be untrustworthy. I trust you, though, because the Holy Ghost said I could, and who am I to argue with that kind of endorsement? And again, that's because you go against the grain. You're an exception because you're exceptional. In summary, I'm wary of attaching labels to my views because they can lead people to make all kinds of assumptions that may or may not be accurate (the same reason I try to stay away from terms like "conservative", "liberal", or even "moderate"), but my faith in God and Jesus Christ overshadows all the rest so you may consider me an optimist on the whole. And that's what Christmas is all about. As long as I'm addressing you here, Bracelets, I would like to express my appreciation to you for reading all of my blog posts. More than one week during this past semester, I really didn't feel like writing anything at all, but I did because I knew you would be disappointed if I didn't. So thank you for bringing that additional stress into my life. Now, here is another song for Star Wars and another song for Christmas. In case you (meaning everyone now and not just Bracelets) couldn't guess, I've had so much Star Wars and Christmas music that I've wanted to share during this brief seasonal window of opportunity, but I've sadly been limited by the weekly posting format. If you don't typically even bother to listen to the music I post, please at least push play on this one and mute the sound, because it's on my own channel. And then go subscribe to my channel. King - She's into Star WarsYou may recognize this tune from a parody done by The Police that surpassed the original in popularity. Robert Lund - Every Toy You BreakMerry Christmas, or Happy Holidays if you prefer, whatever, I really don't care!
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"Guys. Chris's blog is the stuff of legends. If you’re ever looking for a good read, check this out!"
- Amelia Whitlock "I don't know how well you know Christopher Randall Nicholson, but... he's trolling. You should read his blog. It's delightful." - David Young About the AuthorC. Randall Nicholson is a white cisgender Christian male, so you can hate him without guilt, but he's also autistic and asexual, so you can't, unless you're an anti-vaxxer, in which case the feeling is mutual. This blog is where he periodically rants about life, the universe, and/or everything. Archives
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