One day the CEO of Kroger, the company that owns Smith's grocery stores, asked the board of directors, "Gentlemen, what can we do to make our self-checkouts more annoying? Currently, as we all know, when a person identifies himself and the fact that he has shopped at our store hundreds of times by scanning his shopper's card at a self-checkout, it nonetheless insists on repeating every instruction on its use as if he's never heard them before and can't read. That surely must be annoying, but I think we can do better. Any thoughts?" The room was silent for a moment. Then one man, who had been waiting his entire life for just such a stroke of genius, raised his hand. "Sir," he said, "What if the machine not only repeated every instruction, but also spoke aloud the price of every single item that was scanned, and the amount of every discount, where applicable, that the shopper was getting with his shopper's card, and the total? Even though we'd still have all those numbers actually on the screen like we used to, but you know, maybe he can only read Roman numerals?" The room was silent for a moment longer as the CEO stroked his chin. Then he shook his head, not in rejection but in wonderment. "That would be a level of annoyingness seldom achieved outside of a customer support hotline. I'm giving us all raises." I'm assuming that's more or less what happened, anyway, because no one could possibly do something that annoying unintentionally. Norma McCorvey, the "Jane Roe" of Roe vs. Wade, died a week ago, and in the aftermath I learned more about her. I already knew the basics of her story - that she lied about having been raped, that she was merely a pawn in something larger that would have happened regardless, that the court decision was moot for her because her child was two years old by the time it came out, and that some time later she had a complete change of heart and became "dedicated to spending the rest of my life undoing the law that bears my name." I didn't know that she was bisexual, that her early adult years were lonely and neurotic and spent on the fringes of society going from one lousy job to another struggling to survive, that her change of heart stemmed from a conversion to Christianity, or that she was alienated from and hated by both sides of the culture wars because she was a pro-life bisexual person. An interesting woman with an interesting life, to be sure. In other abortion-related news, and this is a bit older but I was preoccupied with the refugee ban and then I forgot because I was tired, Planned Parenthood (which, as a friendly reminder that you probably won't get anywhere else, is still in big trouble with Congress for violating federal law and good taste) has quietly removed mentions of "prenatal care" from several of its websites after Live Action made calls to several clinics around the country who explained that they do not, in fact, offer prenatal care. They don't need to because they offer abortions. It would have been nice of them to not lie about that in the first place, but of course their highly exaggerated reputation as an essential and irreplaceable source for all women's healthcare needs takes priority over little things like "the truth". (It turns out that Snopes, a website that was apparently trustworthy at one point, feels the same way.) PeanutsI like "Peanuts" all right - anyone who doesn't love Snoopy or Woodstock or Linus isn't human - but I have to confess that as far as comic strips go I've never found most of it particularly funny. Most of the punchlines don't seem to be actual jokes. As much as I love Charlie Brown closing his eyes and saying "I can't stand it... I just can't stand it!", that's not an actual joke. So when I found one of the first ever "Peanuts" books at work, titled simply "Peanuts" and originally published in 1952, and noted with surprise how funny the first couple comics were, I was fascinated. I was familiar with how the characters looked at this early stage but not how they behaved and interacted. Since it was going to end up in the invalid tote anyway I read it during lunch before putting it there. The only characters at this stage are Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Shermy, Violet, (non-Peppermint) Patty, and Schroeder. And Charlie Brown's mom, I suppose, who at one point is heard yelling offscreen in a normal voice instead of "wah wah wah". Weird stuff. This incarnation of Charlie Brown, occasionally just "Charlie" to his friends, has self-esteem and a bit of a mischievous streak - he opens the book yelling (paraphrase) "It's morning, mom and dad! Up and at 'em! Let's go! Rise and shine!" and then turns to the reader and says, "Boy, wouldn't you hate to have me around your house in the morning?" (Why, yes. Yes I would. You wouldn't be there for very long, if you catch my drift.) When Patty asks him if he thinks she's beautiful, he says, "Well, it's no secret you're getting on in years... but if I squint and cock my head like this..." As she chases him, he remarks to the reader, "It's risky, but I get my laughs!" That catchphrase is repeated in another comic later on. Apparently his confidence was somehow linked to his ability to break the fourth wall, and he lost them both at the same time. Poor good old Charlie Brown. Both of the girls vacillate between snubbing, mocking, and idolizing him, depending on their fickle female whims or whatever joke the cartoonist is trying to tell, I suppose. For example, one time Charlie Brown wonders how long it takes to shave, and Shermy says he supposes that depends on the size of one's face, and Violet interjects, "In that case, it would take Charlie Brown three hours!" At another point she also plants the seed for a future running gag (pun intended) when she holds a football and tells Charlie Brown to run up and kick it, though she panics and drops it by accident at the last minute, then wonders why he didn't kick it. In the strangest strip of the book, yet one of my favorites, she complains that he likes Snoopy more than he likes her. He assures her that isn't true. She says, "I bet you don't even have a picture of me in your room anymore." He assures her that he still does. He leads her into his room and shows her the wall where he has a small picture of her... next to an enormous picture of Snoopy. Ah, Snoopy. He looks different, of course, more like a puppy with his cute little upturned nose, and he demonstrates above-average intelligence but never "speaks" or has fantasies. His biggest claim to fame is the ability to smell and/or hear ice cream. Sometimes he seems to be Charlie Brown's dog but for the most part he seems to be a neighborhood dog of whom the kids share joint ownership. Violet introduces Charlie Brown to Schroeder partway through the book, and then it turns out he's a baby. Charlie Brown remarks, "I always feel so awkward around kids!" Schroeder quickly grows up into a mostly mute toddler, and history is made when Charlie Brown gives him a toy piano to play with. He soon begins to experience the myriad disappointments of life when, for instance, a radio DJ plays an accordion number in lieu of his request for Beethoven, or when his planned 8:30 concert has to be canceled on account of his 6:00 bedtime. It's kind of odd that Schroeder is the only character who ages at all, and I kind of wish he had been left a toddler. He's cute and more compelling as a character that way imho. Of course, that would be weird for Lucy... Crywolf - The Home We Made Pt. IISo I found this on my computer this week and I don't know how it got there. It says it was put on my computer on December 31 at 8:31:50, but I don't remember that or recognize it at all. I was traveling for most of that day and went to bed as soon as I got home. And on top of that it was in the "Star Wars Breakbeats" folder where it certainly doesn't belong and I certainly wouldn't have put it. Just one of life's little mysteries, I guess. Though not my favorite by a long shot I found it to be decent.
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Stephan Pastis gets it, and just this week released the above gem that perfectly describes how I feel sometimes, except that I don't share Rat's charming and amiable personality. Of the twenty or so "friends" that I've sent varying editions of my book to over the last three years, the same number of people have made the time to read it from start to finish. But all three of them loved it. That's a great track record, isn't it? The latest one may have loved it most of all. She apologized for taking a few weeks to read it and she wants to print a hard copy of all 400+ pages. I told her that it's going to be published in hard copies someday anyway, but she still wants to print it herself. And that's a pretty shrewd move because after it becomes a bestseller, her printed earlier version will become a collector's item and enable her to retire comfortably. I said sure. She also loved it enough to post about it on Facebook even though nobody would know what she's talking about: Looking at this now, I have no idea how she ostensibly wrote her comment nearly two hours before the post. And I'm also realizing, as I didn't when I wrote that quote, how much Jane is channeling the spirit of Captain Moroni. She would be mortified to realize that. Anyway, this one quote just by itself doesn't really give a feel for Jane's personality. She follows it up for good measure with "This - is - Sparta!" Then Lillis compliments her on her impromptu rallying speech and she admits, "I practice sometimes when no one is looking." My own favorite quote from the book is much shorter and simpler: Jane: Ladies first. Lillis: And you are? Jane: A slob. Not ladylike at all. I've also sent it out to a bunch of random famous people, and believe it or not, many of them took time out of their busy schedules to do so and give me feedback. For example, the next President of the United States had this to say: "This book - and it's a really great book, it really is. The words, make no mistake, we've got the best people and they all say the words are absolutely top-notch. The other people wish they were reading these words because, you know, I know words. I read. I'm a reader. You can rely on these words because they're great words. They're impressive." "Deceptively Edited"For anyone who is tuning into this blog for the first time, I did not vote for Drumpf and his flattering words are not enough to make me like him or support him . However, since I detest Hillary slightly more, I'm grateful that the electoral college didn't rebel and pick her instead this week like many were hoping. A lot of people are scared of a Drumpf presidency, especially Muslims, Latinos, black people, women, LGBT people, and environmentalists. I would share many of their fears if I hadn't resigned myself to this country's irreversible journey down the toilet regardless of who gets elected. There is one group, however, whose fears I relish like a child relishing presents at Christmastime - Planned Parenthood. They're terrified right now, their fears are completely justified, and I love it. Of course that's because I hate women and want them to shrivel up and die without the healthcare that only Planned Parenthood can provide. Actually, no, that's not it at all, but if you're going to assume that my real reasons are invalid because I'm male then the least I can do is offer an alternative, albeit a delusional one. Remember just over a year ago now when the Center for Medical Progress released undercover videos of Planned Parenthood illegally trafficking fetal parts? Remember when PP's defenders kept repeating a barefaced lie about the videos being "deceptively edited" (as if there were any conceivable context that would make its recorded statements acceptable), when even PP's own fact-checking team was forced to conclude (notwithstanding how hard they tried to obfuscate it) that they were not? Remember how a bunch of states defunded it and a bunch of businesses and hospitals cut ties? That was great. The momentum of public opinion is very much against this damnable organization and that damage to its finances is likely to be irreversible. Remember how the scandal just kind of faded away and people just assumed it was over and Planned Parenthood would continue on with business as usual because it hadn't done anything wrong this time? (As opposed to, say, when one of its managers expressed a policy of helping to cover up underage prostitution, but that's another story.) Yeah, well, the 500+ page report recently released by the Senate at conclusion of their investigation says otherwise. They have recommended Planned Parenthood and several of the organizations it does business with for FBI investigation for their flouting of the law. This may have something to do with the Senate being controlled by Republicans - or possibly with some of the documents they subpoenaed including thousands of invoices for the baby, I mean fetal parts that Planned Parenthood definitely was not selling. In fairness, Planned Parenthood had guidelines in place against that sort of thing, and when it realized after ten years that its clinics were ignoring those guidelines, it took swift action and deleted them. The guidelines, I mean, in case that wasn't clear. Oh, and you know who isn't talking about this? The same mainstream media outlets who didn't talk about Kermit Gosnell until the backlash forced them to. I'm shocked. Shocked, I tell you. I wonder how much longer it will take them to catch on that this isn't 1977 anymore and refusing to cover something doesn't keep people from finding out about it. Planned Parenthood is scared, and for good reason. Merry Christmas to me. New Year's Resolutions for White GuysDeleting things doesn't keep people from finding out about them, either. This week, as you may have heard, MTV released what I thought was going to be a music video, given that MTV stands for "Music Television", but actually turned out to be just a bunch of people talking. It was a video about New Year's Resolutions for White Guys. Since I fall into that target demographic on both counts to one degree or another, I started watching it, but after about thirty seconds I became discouraged and quit. They were asking me to make these changes that I would love but just can't, because I can't help that I automatically hold every single one of the viewpoints they were criticizing as a result of my sex (is that the right word? I'm not allowed to call it "gender" anymore, right? Or do I have that backwards?) and skin color. So I'm afraid it just added insult to injury for me. Enough people took it more seriously and got royally cheesed off, though, that in less than two days MTV removed the video from every platform they had posted it on - but there are at least two copies on YouTube from folks who had the foresight to grab it. Interestingly, the one that went with the original title still has about 59 times as many downvotes as upvotes, while the one titled "DUMBEST MOST RACIST VIDEO EVER" has about 138 times as many upvotes as downvotes (not to mention nearly twice as many views). It's all about marketing, people. So anyway, I guess MTV was as startled as I was to learn that the "it's okay to be racist against white people and especially if they're male" thing can be taken too far. I thought you could criticize us and blame us for all the world's problems with total impunity, but it turns out that after a certain point the majority of this country will rise up and tell you where you can stick it. Is there still significant racism against non-whites in this country? Yes. Is it dwarfed by whining social justice warriors' leg-humping obsession with skin color? Also yes. Are most people sick of their crap? Apparently also yes. Drumpf, among his many other flaws, is a racist. But when progressives have spent the last several years inventing racism where it didn't exist and accusing everyone and their dog of imaginary racism on the most absurd pretenses in an effort to stifle free speech and cop out of intelligent debate, it doesn't take a genius to figure out why their legitimate accusations of Drumpf being a racist fell on deaf ears. There's an absurdly stupid tweet by David Yankovich (I don't know who he is either, but in fairness, he would say the same about me) saying, "We hate Donald Trump like you hated President Obama. However, we hate Trump because he is racist, you hated Obama because you are racist." Because you see, prior to 2008, conservatives always adored left-wing presidents. And the liberal hatred of George Bush was completely different because he's white. Anyway, I've written more about this than I intended to so I'll leave it at that, except to also point out that his tweet should have had a semicolon, not a comma, because here the punctuation is taking the place of a conjunction. MormonWikiLeaksI'm giving this thing more publicity than it deserves, but only to demonstrate how totally unfazed by it I am. Ryan McKnight, the guy who leaked several behind-the-scenes briefing videos of top Mormon leaders that caused a stir on the internet for almost two whole days, has now set up a website to do more of the same with confidential documents. The YouTube channel with the videos is called "Mormon Leaks", but for this site he inexplicably went with the far less catchy and obviously derivative "MormonWikiLeaks". Ryan isn't stupid. He knows this won't bring down the LDS Church. He just wants to force it to be more transparent and let everyone see how the bureacracy operates. Frankly, I looked at some of the documents and they ranged from "stuff that no normal person would bother to read in their spare time" to "BOR-ING". And he acknowledges that too. He knows most of it's boring. So, you know, I would say let the bueacracy do its thing and be grateful we don't have to see how it operates. Ryan says he has thorough vetting processes in place to avoid publishing faked documents from anti-Mormons to make the Church look bad, or from Mormons to make his site's credibility look bad. He also says that if he gets documents showing the Church "engaged in some surprisingly ethical activity", he'll publish those too. So he's a man of honesty and integrity, other than the trifling matter of encouraging people to violate their nondisclosure and confidentiality agreements. I don't understand why that's even legal, but I guess I'm glad it is since it allows the real WikiLeaks to knock our richly deserving government down a few pegs. Anyway, somebody just wake me up when they find a document indicating that the LDS Church is a deliberate fraud and its leaders don't sincerely believe in it in private as well as public. Oh wait, that isn't going to happen, ever. Scott Andersen - Chewbacca Sings Silent NightSome years ago I downloaded a big batch of Star Wars songs from a site that had a bunch of Star Wars songs. And some of them had no attribution and had apparently just drifted around the internet since the mysterious distant past of the late nineties, and one of those was Chewbacca singing "Silent Night". I thought it would be a cute little thing to share this time around. Imagine my surprise when I checked to see if it was on YouTube and discovered that "How it Should Have Ended" just did a remake and it went viral. They also attributed the original, solving that mystery that I probably could have solved earlier on my own if I'd been sufficiently curious. Even though this new one sounds superior and has the actual movie clips to go with it, the original has a certain campy charm that you just don't get with modern technology. Take 45 seconds of your life to enjoy it. Last week I mentioned the Indian friend that I met at the institute Christmas concert a year ago. Of course I only mentioned his nationality because I love Indians, and I'm very excited that India is set to get its third LDS stake (Rajahmundry) this weekend and a fourth (New Delhi) sometime next year. Anyway, I hadn't talked him for a few months, but right after that post I contacted him again. As you can see, he still has his priorities straight. He has taken a lot of interest in my love life. When I met him, I also met the LDS white girl who had brought him to the concert, but I never spent much more time with her or got to know her like I did him. I inquired about her one time and he inquired back, "Do you like her or...?" And the truth was that a lot of times I don't categorize women as "I'm interested" or "I'm not interested" but just have them on a spectrum where they can move one way or the other as I get to know them more. But his English wasn't perfect and I didn't know if he would understand something so unusual, so I was just like, "A little bit", which was accurate enough. And then, before I ever told him about my depression he knew about it by deducing from my eyes that I had a lot in common with him. So somehow or other he got it into his head that I was obsessed with this girl and would slit my wrists or something if she broke my heart. He was really concerned and gave me a lot of pep talks about having self-esteem and not basing it on her. I never corrected him because I feel awkward about contradicting people because I associate disagreements with people hating each other, and also frankly it was good advice and I was super touched that he cared so much. After some time he had to bring me the news that she had gotten a boyfriend, and he was super worried and ready to be there for me. I really didn't care. I was just like, "Good for her." "Oh, good," he said. "I hope you are better and out of her now." I think he meant "over her". Biology 1010As I've been going through old posts trying to search engine optimize them, I realized that I wrote about dating a lot more than I thought and evolution a lot less than I thought. I'm writing about both right now so that ratio will remain the same. There are a couple of problems with this meme. First, "not meant to be"? Sure, maybe if you want to bring God into it and presume that God hates you, but if you're approaching it from a purely scientific angle, that's nonsense because evolution is guided by chance, not destiny. But the second problem is much bigger and basically ruins the whole thing. Many people mistakenly believe that evolution and/or Darwinism is synonomous with natural selection, but that's not the case. As early as his original book Darwin outlined another force known as sexual selection. Whereas the former is about survival, the latter is about reproduction and acts not just independently of, but sometimes in direct opposition to, natural selection. For example: Boy Moose: Hey there, girl moose. I just wanted to let you know that I'm really strong and adaptable and my genes would make a great contribution to your offspring, which I realize is something you get to be picky about because you will invest a lot more energy and resources into them. What do you say? Girl Moose: Hmph. Prove it. I'm really into big antlers - grow a pair, then we'll talk. Boy Moose: What?? But growing big antlers would be a total waste of my crucial resources, and they could get tangled in trees and bushes, making me more vulnerable to predators! Girl Moose: Hmph. If you're really as strong and adaptable as you say, those things shouldn't be an issue. Boy Moose: But – oh, fine. Hrrrrrnk... [Pop! Pop!] There. Two of the biggest antlers any woman could ask for. Happy? Girl Moose: Now use them to fight for me. It might seem silly, but she was a very cute moose. Made all the boy moose go "Whaaaaa!" Of course, humans are special and superior to other animals so sexual selection doesn't apply to us and has nothing at all to do with the evolutionary basis for archaic dating gender roles that I mentioned last week. No, actually it does, but I'm not going to complain about that again (for now) because it's pretty benign compared to many of mankind's other primitive "quirks". Can You Tag...There are a few demographics that it's still acceptable to be prejudiced against, such as mentally ill people (just don't be too blunt about it), anyone who doesn't share your political leanings (be as blunt as you want), and at least one of the Abrahamic religions depending on said leanings (Christians if you're liberal, Muslims if you're conservative, Jews if you're a conspiracy theorist). Oh yeah, and ugly people. Thousands of people consider it find and dandy to post Facebok memes of ugly people with captions like "Can you tag Dave? He left without paying last night" and then all laugh at the notion that Dave would have sex with someone so ugly. Because apparently once you cross a certain threshold of ugliness you no longer have feelings or dignity. All that stuff we say about "looks don't matter", "it's what's on the inside that counts", and "everyone is beautiful"? Yeah, we were just kidding. This form of prejudice is nothing more or less than another head of the same monster that spawned racism, sexism, nationalism, tribalism, homophobia, and all the other ways humans have been douchebags to other humans for as long as they've existed. I don't know anything about the people I've seen in these memes - except one. Believe it or not, she's a person and she's alive somewhere and she even has a name: Lizzie Velásquez. She has a disease so rare that it doesn't have a name, and she can't create body fat and she has to eat every twenty minutes and she's gone blind in one eye. Yes, she is aware that she has become the subject of one of these memes, and it isn't her first such discovery. One evening she was just browsing YouTube, minding her own business, when she stumbled upon a video called "The Ugliest Woman in the World". It wasn't really a video, just a picture, a picture of her. It had millions of views. People in the comments were saying things like "Kill it with fire!" (Hitler called. He wants you to please stop stealing his ideas.) I wouldn't trade all the suffering of my life for one experience like that. But Lizzie Velázquez is clearly stronger than a mere mortal, and instead of killing herself she went on to become an anti-bullying motivational speaker. I lump the people who bully her under the same term I use for tobacco company executives: "Satan's hemorrhoids." Speaking of images on the internet that promote extreme shallowness and insentivity to the actual humans in them for entertainment purposes... PornographyGovernor Gary Herbert of Utah, who declared pornography a public health crisis earlier in the year, is now putting our money where his mouth is with $50,000 out of a $16 billion budget devoted to anti-pornography education efforts. For perspective, that's 1/320,000 or 0.0003% of the budget. Naturally this has outraged some residents of Salt Lake who feel that Mormons and Republicans are legislating morality and infringing on their constitutional right to jack off to their hearts' content. This is a little odd, seeing as Governor Herbert has made no attempt to actually restrict distribution of or access to pornography, but it makes sense in their heads somehow. And of course it doesn't bother them in the slightest that pornography is being shoved in our faces to the point where children are first exposed to it at the average age of eleven. There is no conceivable way that this could affect their brain development, and if it does, who cares? That's their problem. Pornography is natural, pornography is harmless, pornography is healthy, pornography is great. Know how they know? Because they enjoy it, and therefore by logical inference it can't possibly have any negative consequences or repercussions whatsoever. QED. And of course all opposition to pornography is motivated by religion. That's why the United Kingdom, which is widely known for being a devoutly religious nation, has been at the forefront of opposing it in recent years. You know what, I know things sometimes don't come across as intended through text, so let me be perfectly clear: I'm being sarcastic and I think those people are idiots. Did I mention that these education efforts constitute 1/320,000 or 0.0003% of the budget? Kermit GosnellAs I've been going through old posts trying to search engine optimize them, I realized that I haven't written about abortion since February when NARAL had an aneurysm over the Doritos Super Bowl commercial. Good thing I was already planning on writing about it again - specifically, about Kermit Gosnell. Remember him? Or did you ever hear of him in the first place? If necessary, let Wikipedia refresh your memory: "Gosnell owned and operated the Women's Medical Society clinic in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and he was a prolific prescriber of OxyContin. In 2011, Gosnell and various co-defendant employees were charged with eight counts of murder, 24 felony counts of performing illegal abortions beyond the state of Pennsylvania’s 24-week time limit, and 227 misdemeanor counts of violating the 24-hour informed consent law. The murder charges related to an adult patient, Karnamaya Mongar, who died following an abortion procedure, and seven newborns said to have been killed by having their spinal cords severed with scissors after being born alive during attempted abortions. In May 2013, Gosnell was convicted of first degree murder in the deaths of three of the infants and involuntary manslaughter in the death of Karnamaya Mongar. Gosnell was also convicted of 21 felony counts of illegal late-term abortion, and 211 counts of violating the 24-hour informed consent law. After his conviction, Gosnell waived his right to appeal in exchange for an agreement not to seek the death penalty. He was sentenced instead to life in prison without the possibility of parole." How was this allowed to happen? Because the authorities in Philadelphia obviously cared so much about women's health that, despite multiple complaints, they couldn't be bothered to inspect his clinic or for how many years? Five? Ten? No, seventeen. Because holding the abortion industry to any sort of accountability or oversight, or enforcing any restrictions on it whatsoever, is seen by some as an all-out assault on women's health. Of course virtually everyone, regardless of their views on abortion, agrees that Gosnell is a monster. So why have so many people tried to keep us from knowing he exists? When his story broke, mainstream media outlets refused to cover it until they were forced to by the outrage of people who knew how to use the internet. I watched CNN spin excuses for why they hadn't covered it in the first place, and they were so lame that I felt embarrassed on their behalf. When filmmakers Magdalena Segieda, Phelim McAleer and Ann McElhinney decided to make a movie about Gosnell, Kickstarter refused to let them crowdfund on its website, claiming that the premise was too "graphic" while the pornography on the site apparently isn't. Because pornography is okay, remember? They crowdfunded on Indiegogo instead and set the record for the most successful film funded on that site. I contributed my widow's mite, which I mention only as a reminder that just liking Facebook pages and posts does virtually nothing to help any cause. Now all of Hollywood has refused to release the movie, claiming it's too "controversial", because apparently their pro-abortion films and all the other sewage they've put out in the last few years aren't controversial at all. But this isn't even really about abortion, right? It's just about one guy who broke the law and a bunch of spineless authorities who let him do it for a long time, right? Right? Ask yourself: what do all those people have to fear from the truth? So they're releasing the film independently sometime next year. In the meantime, they also have a book coming out in January. They want as many people as possible to pre-order it on Amazon so that it will show up on the New York Times bestseller list and be impossible to ignore. So if you're looking for some way to help, there's one. Now let's close on a more lighthearted note. Steven Cavanaugh - Walkers in a Winter WonderlandIn honor of "Rogue One" being released and Christmas soon to follow, here's a mashup that I can't believe I've never shared before. Steven Cavanaugh is from Australia, so he wrote this in June. It's brilliant and like many parodies I alway sing it instead of the original lyrics. The other day as I was waiting for my order at the Taco Time on campus a guy from my poetry class last semester, whom I shall be racist and refer to as "Texas", strolled by. I waved to be friendly. He's cool, but I'd only ever talked to him a couple times, so I was a little surprised when he enthusiastically stopped, exchanged a few pleasantries, and said, "When are you going to -" As he was still in mid-sentence the thought flashed through my mind, Do I have an unfulfilled obligation to this man? I don't think so... "- be published?" he finished. "It doesn't seem right in the eyes of God for you to not be published." And that totally made my day. Non-fiction Writing has turned out to be a breeze since I'm quite accustomed to sharing my life with the world whether they want to hear about it or not. Unlike my previous two classes in this vein, our peer reviews are done by the whole class instead of just groups of four, so I've gotten to read everyone else's essays. I can't help evaluating each person's writing skills to see whether they're equal to, greater than, or less than mine. But I try to see and encourage the potential in everybody because we're all in this together until we go out in the real world and have to compete. There has only been one essay in this class that, when the teacher asked "What can we do to make this better?", prompted me to think Put it through the shredder and turn it into confetti. Actually, I liked it because it made me laugh, but I'm pretty sure that's not what the author was going for. The only reason I'm making fun of it is because it was so arrogant and pretentious that it begged to be made fun of. It can be summarized by one brief line on the third page: "This makes of me, in my mind, a god." No kidding. Other than that, I don't put people's writing down because mine has lots of room for improvement too. It has become obvious that my need to continue revising my novel is not merely owing to self-deprecating perfectionism, but actual problems such as continuity errors, plot holes, and clichés. A lot of the continuity errors happened because I wrote many chunks of it completely out of order, and sometimes I changed things and forgot to change the repercussions references to them elsewhere in the story. As for the plot holes and clichés, watching CinemaSins on YouTube has been surprisingly helpful in noticing them. I listen to that guy absolutely skewering what I used to think was a good movie and then I imagine how he would skewer what I used to think was my good novel, and after I recover from the blow to my self-esteem I go in and make more changes. I didn't take this image, as you can probably tell, because you probably know by now that I wouldn't have bothered to censor their names or pictures. In all seriousness though, this discussion does raise a legitimate theological question which in all non-sarcastic seriousness troubles me. Why did God create this level of stupidity? Just as a test to see if I could still be humble? So far I'm failing. Here's another theological question I thought of that my fellow Mormon readers can use to derail a Sunday school lesson (though it will probably be of little interest to anyone else, sorry). You're welcome. It is generally understood by Mormons over the age of eighteen that "soul mates" as a general principle are not real and that almost anyone can make a marriage work and yadda yadda yadda. It is also generally understood by almost everyone that children's appearances are determined by a mixture of their parents' DNA. It is also generally understood by Mormons that our bodies look the same as our spirits and that our spirits predate them by a very long time. So how does that work? Obviously God, with His foreknowledge, could foresee which pairings would come together to reproduce and plan accordingly. But by accommodating those future choices, He would seem to be precluding any other choices and thwarting agency. What if my parents had each married someone else? Where would I be and what would I look like? Figure 1: My brand of apostasy resonates with a surprising number of Mormons. Public Service Announcement: My sister is home from her mission. Anyone who tries to date her and does not meet my approval will be punched in the throat by me. That is all. Americans, are you looking forward to this election? I'm not. I have no enthusiasm for any of the candidates and I don't understand how anyone does. I see that a lot of people are "feeling the Bern", and good for them, but I anticipate him being a disappointment regardless of his views or promises simply because he's a federal-level politician and it's in their nature to be corrupt, incompetent, or usually both. I would love to be pleasantly surprised but I'm not getting my hopes up. Dumbocraps suck, Repugnantcans suck, and our country is going to continue its moral, intellectual, and financial decline regardless of which group of thieves wins. No human empire has ever lasted forever. What makes ours any different? And with that cheery thought, let us move on. Someone blocked me on Facebook for agreeing with one of her posts. I can see how she might have misinterpreted my remark if she didn't read it carefully, but she could have discussed it instead of jumping to conclusions and acting like a twelve year old. Number of times I have blocked a friend for disagreeing with me: zero. Number of times I have unfriended a friend for disagreeing with me: zero. Sometimes I have unfriended them for being jerks about it (e.g. the girl after the 2012 election who said "If you're upset that Romney lost, you are RETARDED"). And a couple times when their posts have showed up in my news feed all the time and gotten really annoying, I've unfollowed them. But that's all. I think Facebook's blocking feature should be used to avoid harassment, not to avoid developing and avoiding conflict resolution skills like an adult, but that's none of my business. Speaking of controversy, it's a bit late, but this video in reference to NARAL's anti-baby gaffe made me laugh. Last night was the Ladies' Choice Dance at the institute, and someone unexpectedly asked me the night before that. Since I didn't think I was going to get asked this year I had been planning to talk about last year instead so that's what I'm going to do. I didn't expect to get asked last year either and that was fine. Most guys didn't, because most girls weren't asking anyone, either because they were hypocrites or they just wanted revenge. When the dance was announced in class my teacher felt confident saying, "Guys, go ahead and make other plans, because none of you are getting asked to that," and none of them argued. When some unknown number texted me to ask if I had a date for it I thought I was about to become the victim of some tasteless prank, but I wasn't. She did that thing where you make the person look up scripture verses and pick out certain words to string together a sentence. In the meantime I was wondering who this could be that could have gotten my number without being a total stalker, and I suppose it was kind of arbitrary to add that caveat but she turned out to be one of the seven roommates of this girl I had met like a month ago and hung out with a few times. I didn't know if she was interested in me or just lost a bet. There was one time when we were all walking past the cemetery at night and I scooped up a plastic flower on the sidewalk and gave it to her, and she kept it, but who knows if that meant anything. All the roommates and their dates were going together. I made sure to show up on time, but then we had to wait nearly an hour for one of the dates to show up. Everyone was in the lobby talking but I just sat on the floor and listened because I'm not talkative in big groups. Then we walked over to the institute on the opposite end of campus, and my date and I were soon two blocks ahead of everybody else because she was the only girl not in high heels. This allowed us to talk freely and that was really nice. Then there was a lot of food at the dance, and I'm a slow eater, so I spent too much time eating and probably annoyed her. And then we were all planning to leave early and make pancakes, but we ended up only leaving like five minutes early, so I had to go home because my perpetual sleep problems didn't leave me in a position to stay up late on the weekends like a normal college student. "Just sleep in tomorrow," one of them suggested. Ha! If it were only that simple... But after I got to bed I just lay wide awake for three hours, so I might as well have stayed. In decorating for that dance as part of the Service Committee, I had stuck cheap old records to the gymnasium walls. One of them - I wish I could remember its title - had a painting of a couple cuddling under a tree on a hill at night, looking down at an orchestra in the valley. I noted that the year of release was 1963, and when I think of 1963 I automatically think of the civil rights movement. So on a whim, I looked more closely at the orchestra. To my astonishment, although their heads were just dots of paint, still it was quite unmistakable that every single orchestra member was white, yet the conductor was - wait for it - black. I thought that was really interesting. I told my date later while we were walking there. I don't think she thought it was interesting. She just kind of smiled and nodded as if to say "Oh, I didn't realize you were one of those people." Well, after that night I didn't know what to do, so to stall for time I invited her to my stake's dance that was conveniently the following week. I don't understand the purpose of having dances for only one stake in Utah. It's like deliberately narrowing down the options. Oh well. Anyway, she couldn't make it and then she went on a mission and that was the end of that. I'm still on the Service Committee so I was in on the planning and decoration for this one as well. I don't participate much in those meetings, though. They were like, "Okay guys, think of some fifties and sixties themed decorations." And I immediately thought, A sign that says "Whites Only". There's a reason I keep most of my thoughts to myself. This week I decided to continue the theme of love songs in foreign languages. Even my French friend Marie, whom I asked about the meaning of the lyrics, thinks this one is weird. But I like it, and the video is full of non-stop action. Will Elli open the window? Watch and find out! Elli et Jacno - Anne Cherchait l'AmourI heard a florist commercial on the radio that was technically just as manipulative as the jewelry commercials I despise, but it was more forgivable because it was just a seasonal thing, flowers are much cheaper, and the person teased prospective customers instead of kissing their butts. "You'll come out smelling like roses," she says, "which is much better than what you usually smell like!" I respect that kind of gumption. Speaking of commercials... The kind of football I like is the kind that everyone who isn't American has in mind when they use that word. You know, soccer, where the players actually use their feet to kick the ball. Make sense? I'm not crazy about American football. I went to the first game during my freshman year of college and never bothered to go again, because the action stopped about every five seconds. Woohoo! Not. But I can agree to disagree. If you like American football, good for you. Anyway, I wouldn't have bothered watching the Super Bowl except that my neighbors invited me and it was a good opportunity for food and and male bonding, two things I could use more of in my life. The price I paid was that the puppymonkeybaby will now haunt my dreams forever. Would you just sit there and let that thing dance on your coffee table and give you drinks and lick your face? I wouldn't. I'd be like, "Hey, you little abomination against God, get out of my house." So, I just thought this Doritos commercial was whatever... ...but now I absolutely love it, because it's angered some people who deserve to be angry. 1. The term "anti-choice" is moronic and I can't believe people actually use it in complete seriousness. You don't see me calling pro-choicers "anti-life", do you? Though it would clearly be appropriate in some cases, but we'll get to that in a moment. 2. Sexist though it may be, I actually was clueless. I didn't, and still don't, understand what's wrong with eating Doritos or any other snack item during an ultrasound. 3. The doctor in this commercial clearly said "any day now", which even I, an Aspie with limited understanding of metaphors and slang and hints and implications, clearly understood to mean that the baby, I mean fetus, was going to be born very soon. Yet the toolbags at NARAL have a problem with "humanizing" it nonetheless. According to their logic, I suppose the baby, I mean fetus, is not human and has no rights as long as it remains inside its mother, but the birth canal is lined with fairy dust that magically turns it into a human as it emerges. Strange how a mindless obsession with "choice" can lower your IQ by 70 points. Then this bit... ...apparently upset one of their smaller affiliates. Go on, try to convince me that these are decent and well-intentioned people who just happen to be slightly misguided. I dare you. Their astonishingly lame attempt at backpedaling: And maybe... just maybe... it's none of their business. Their idea of "family planning" is to kill unborn family members. Anyway, NARAL ProChoice Ohio got something else to complain about just a few days later when Ohio joined the list of states that have defunded Planned Parenthood. That $1.3 million will be redirected to other women's health initiatives that are not affiliated with abortion providers, but mainstream media coverage has unsurprisingly "forgotten" to mention that. Of course this commercial was my favorite owing to the sci-fi elements. Knowing me, you might expect that I hate Valentine's Day with a passion, but you would be wrong. It's just whatever, and I actually find the people who complain about it to be more annoying. Having said that, I have to agree with the assessment of self-proclaimed dating doctor David Coleman, who has come to speak at USU a few times but was unable to help me because darn it, he's a doctor, not a miracle worker. He doesn't like Valentine's Day because romance is supposed to be spontaneous and surprising and Valentine's Day is the exact opposite of spontaneous and surprising. He has a work-around for that, though. He suggests that guys (or girls who believe in equality) get their significant other something the day before and say "I just couldn't wait another day to show how much I love you." And then if she hates it, he says, you can be like "Haha, I was totally kidding" and you still have time to get something else. Though personally I would suggest you just dump her and find someone who isn't an entitled brat. Also, like most holidays, it provides an opportunity for me to buy myself candy without guilt. Spending money usually feels like tearing away little pieces of my soul, but this time I can justify it by pointing out that I'm only spending a fraction of what I would be spending anyway if somebody loved me. And that's not even taking into account the post-holiday sale on the seasonal stuff. I love those little powdery candy hearts with the banal little messages. They need to come in a jumbo size with messages like "I want to have thoughtful, intelligent conversations with you." In homage to Valentine's Day I am going to repost this clip from "The Red Green Show" that I posted months ago, because I had fewer readers then and those who have already seen it may have forgotten it sufficiently by now to find it funny again. As always, I hope that by watching it here you will come to subconsciously associate it with me and find me funny by extension. Probably no one loves Valentine's Day more than my old roommate. Last week he bore his testimony about how we should change our perspective to think about all kinds of love and not just romance, and think about our friends and family and all the people who love us and that we love. He said that if he could, he would visit each and every one of us to show us that he cares. And then he gave the congregation a conspiratorial grin and said, "Some of you know what I do for Valentine's Day." To anyone who didn't, it must have sounded much creepier than it actually is. This is what it actually is. I was excited by a table outside the campus store advertising $2 cremations, but then I realized they were actually "carnations". I don't even have any dead people to take care of, but I would've had to find some, because how could someone pass up a deal like that? I'm not even going to be cynical, but I will be lazy and recycle something I've already posted again. In homage to Valentine's Day, here is a song whose title translates as "Salute to Love", already featured on my racist page about Indians because I danced to it in the finale of USU's Diwali Festival in 2011. I've listened to it too many times and now I don't get the same thrill I felt the first time I heard it, but it still seems like the best choice with its generic yet all-encompassing theme. Ignore the risqué bit. Salaam-E-Ishq |
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- Amelia Whitlock "I don't know how well you know Christopher Randall Nicholson, but... he's trolling. You should read his blog. It's delightful." - David Young About the AuthorC. Randall Nicholson is a white cisgender Christian male, so you can hate him without guilt, but he's also autistic and asexual, so you can't, unless you're an anti-vaxxer, in which case the feeling is mutual. This blog is where he periodically rants about life, the universe, and/or everything. Archives
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